With 1 in 10 dads suffering after the birth of their baby, Elliott Rae of 'Music, Football, Fatherhood' talks about his PTSD, following the traumatic birth of his daughter. Elliott went on to found MFF (the "Dad's version of Mumsnet") to change the narrative on what it means to be a father. He has gone on to become one of the UK’s most prominent speakers on fatherhood, masculinity and mental health. Despite the serious subject matter, it was an incredibly inspiring, joyful and profound conversation. By chance, this episode was recorded on World Suicide Prevention Day, 2021.
*TRIGGER WARNING: BIRTH TRAUMA, SUICIDE RATES*
IN THIS EPISODE WE DISCUSS:
[00:40] Introduction to Elliott Rae
[02:11] The stigma of postnatal illness in fathers
[03:08] Elliott before fatherhood - from playing bass in a band to youth and D&I work
[05:55] The pregnancy and discovering his wife had Group B Strep
[09:00] The birth - from calm beginnings to concerns for their daughter
[11:50] Shock - like an outer body experience
[12:23] Elliott's dilemma - should he follow his daughter to intensive care or stay with his wife?
[12:51] Snapping out of his daze - "Fatherhood started there and then"
[13:39] Feelings of helplessness and not feeling prepared
[17:52] Further complications - the need for an emergency MRI scan
[21:03] Coming home from the hospital
[21:49] Elliott's wife diagnosed with Postnatal Anxiety
[24:22] Realising he needed help too
[25:01] Reliving events - how their daughter's severe wheat allergy triggered PTSD
[26:56] Not functioning at work - "I couldn't even say hello"
[28:20] Societal pressure - 'Boys don't cry'
[32:01] Writing about his experiences and getting diagnosed with PTSD
[34:13] 'Dad' the book
[37:29] Rethinking the role of fatherhood
[42:40] How to connect with Elliott and access support via MFF
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
- New dads can suffer from postnatal depression too - the number of men who become depressed in the first year after becoming a dad is double that of the general population. First time dads are particularly vulnerable. 1 in 10 dads-to-be will also become depressed during their partner’s pregnancy. (NCT)
- Around 25% of women carry Group B Strep (GBS) bacteria during pregnancy, yet it is not routinely tested in the UK. You can find out more information here: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/group-b-strep/
- It's helpful to prepare for the fact that your birth might not go according to plan.
- Very sadly 3 out of 4 suicides are carried out by men - it is the leading cause of death of men under 50, so there is a clearly an urgent need for greater support for fathers.
- http://musicfootballfatherhood.com/ is there to open up the conversation around fatherhood in a safe space.
- You can keep up with Elliott and buy copies of MFF's book 'Dad' here: https://linktr.ee/musicfootballfatherhood
- https://www.markwilliamsfmh.co.uk/ is a pioneer on paternal mental health and PND.
If you enjoyed this episode, please share, rate and subscribe. It really does make the difference in helping others find it – which means helping more parents in need.
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NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE:
In Episode 4 I’ll be talking to maternal mental health specialist Naomi Buffery, on her own experience of PND and how she's on a mission to empower other mums to beat anxiety and depression.
SUPPORT:
If you are struggling right now, please know that it’s okay to talk and reach out for help.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WILL NOT FEEL THIS WAY FOR EVER.
We hope these support services are helpful (please note we do not check or monitor them individually).
Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP)
Moderated Forum, click here to find out more.
Email: app@app-network.org
Tel: 020 3322 9900
Andy's Man Club
A non-judgemental talking group for men
https://andysmanclub.co.uk/club-information/clubs/
Email: info@andysmanclub.co.uk
Association of Postnatal Illness
Helpline: 10am – 2pm – 0207 386 0868
Email: info@apni.org
Live chat online facility
Best Beginnings
Free NHS-accredited Baby Buddy app offering
evidence-based information and self-care tools to help parents during pregnancy
and early stages of parenting.
App users also have access to a confidential, text-based Crisis Messenger which provides
24/7 support for new and expectant parents who are feeling extremely anxious or overwhelmed.
Birth Trauma Association
Email: support@birthtraumaassociation.org.uk
CALM
Contact CALM
on their national helpline: 0800 58 58 58 (5pm-midnight)
Cedar House Support Group
Email: lwise@talktalk.net (Liz Wise)
Mobile: 07773 283556
DadsNet
Offers support and knowledge through a community of dads on practical parenting and fatherhood.
Fathers Reaching Out
https://www.reachingoutpmh.co.uk/
Run by Mark Williams, campaigner, speaker and writer, offering support to dads.
Make Birth Better (Birth Trauma Support)
Maternal OCD
Peer support available, email info@maternalocd.org to
arrange
Muslim Women’s Network
Helpine: 0800 999 5786, open Mon-Fri 10am –
4pm with support offered in English, Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Putwari, Hindko,
and Bengali.
Email: info@mwnhelpline.co.uk
Online chat: www.mwnhelpline.co.uk
Text: 07415 206 936
Netmums
Netmums offer peer support via their Maternal Mental Health Drop-In
Clinic.
NHS
Contact your local GP surgery.
Call the NHS on 111
or contact a local NHS urgent mental health helpline
If you are in crisis, visit Accident & Emergency at your nearest hospital.
PANDAS
Helpline open from 9am-8pm every day – 0843 2898 401
Email support available – info@pandasfoundation.org.uk
Petals
Petals offers free-of-charge specialist counselling to anyone who has experienced pregnancy
or baby loss.
Web: petalscharity.org/counsellingcontact/
Email: counselling@petalscharity.org
Tel: 0300 688 0068
Samaritans
Tel: 116 123
(this is a free telephone number and will not appear on the phone bill)
Web: www.samaritans.org
Email: jo@samaritans.org
Shout
Text SHOUT to 85258 to start a confidential conversation with a trained Shout volunteer.
Twins Trust
Twinline is Twins Trust’s listening service for parents of twins, triplets and more. All
the calls are answered by volunteers who have multiples themselves.
Twinline is open Monday to Friday 10am to 1pm and from 7pm to 10pm. 0800 138 0509,
alternatively email asktwinline@twinstrust.org.
Web: twinstrust.org/let-us-help/support/twinline.html
Tommy’s
Tommy’s has a team of in-house midwives who offer free support and information for women and their families at any stage of pregnancy and after the birth.
Web: www.tommys.org
Helpline: Tommy’s
helpline has been closed temporarily but their midwives are answering questions
via email, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
Email: midwife@tommys.org
MUSIC by Joseph McDade
