Dear Listener, are you exhausted by the endless swipe-and-scroll cycle of dating apps? Do you wish potential matches could get to know the real you—not just a few photos and a character-limited bio? Well then, I’d like you to meet my friend, Date-Me Doc.

Date-Me Docs are standalone documents (typically housed in Google Docs or Notion) that live outside dating apps and give you space to share who you truly are, what you're looking for, and why you'd make a great partner.

But here's the twist: we believe creating a Date-Me Doc is valuable even if you never share it with anyone. Why? Because the process forces you to get crystal clear on what you want—and as we like to say, love favors the clear-sighted. That clarity will serve you whether you're swiping on Hinge, chatting someone up at a coffee shop, or asking friends to set you up.

In this episode, we walk you through our recommended structure, how to use photos effectively, why vulnerability attracts (not repels!) the right people, and how to share your Date-Me Doc with cuties you meet in real life (Josh even role-plays it for you!).

If you're craving a slower, more intentional approach to dating—one focused on depth over dopamine—this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways

00:00 Introduction and Overview

01:21 What is a Date-Me Doc?

05:21 Why should you create a Date-Me doc?

15:45 How to write a Date-Me Doc

22:22 Crafting Your Unique 'Me' Section

26:19 Describing Your Ideal Partner in the 'You' Section

29:29 Creating the 'We' Section and Final Tips

Resources and links

Tired of Dating Apps, Some Turn to ‘Date-Me Docs’ - NY Times

Date Me Directory

Date-Me Doc Template

Ep. 15 - Online Dating 102: Perfecting Your Profile & Photos

Ep. 2 - What to look for in a long-term partner

Downloadable Guide: What to look for in a long-term partner

Have a question or comment? Email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We love hearing from you!

If you’d like to work with one of the talented clinicians on our team, go to relationshipcenter.com/apply-now to apply for a free 30-minute consultation.

To get a monthly email with our best content, go to relationshipcenter.com/newsletter.

If something in this episode touched you, will you share it with a friend? That helps us reach more sweet humans like you.

Lastly, we’d love it if you would leave us a rating and review wherever you listen to podcasts. And be sure to hit subscribe while you’re there so you never miss an episode!

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor and

2

dating coach Jessica Engle, and this is I

Love You too, a show about how to create

3

and sustain meaningful relationships.

4

Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

5

On today's episode, we're

gonna talk about Date Me Docs.

6

We're so happy you're here.

7

And please remember that this show is

not a substitute for a relationship with

8

a licensed mental health professional.

9

Hello and welcome Dear listener.

10

We're so excited to have you join us today

for our conversation about Date Me Docs.

11

So this will be particularly

relevant for you if you're currently

12

dating and we're gonna be going

into, what is a Date Me doc?

13

Maybe this is the thing you've heard of,

maybe you've encountered it, maybe not.

14

Why you might want to

create a Date Me doc.

15

And then specifically how

do you go about doing that?

16

Uh, so that's where we're headed today.

17

And before we dive in,

18

Jessica: Yeah.

19

Before we get started, if you love

our show, dear listener, will you

20

please leave us a rating and review

in Apple Podcasts while you're there?

21

Hit subscribe.

22

So you never miss an episode.

23

Okay.

24

On with the show.

25

Josh: let's get started

with what is a Date Me Doc?

26

Jessica: Yeah, so a dating doc

is like an online dating profile,

27

but it lives outside any sort

of online dating app or site.

28

Oftentimes they live in Google Docs

or perhaps even in a Notion Doc,

29

for those who use Notion and they

include information about who you are.

30

What you're looking for in a

partner in a relationship, photos,

31

and a way to get ahold of you.

32

So as the title implies, it's

a document that says, date me.

33

Josh: It's

34

Jessica: You can think about Date

me Docs as sort of a hybrid between

35

online dating and IRL dating, right?

36

Meeting people in the flesh.

37

If you have a Date Me doc, you can

share that with people that you perhaps

38

match with on an online dating app.

39

And you can also share it with

somebody that you're getting

40

to know in real life or with a

friend who might match, make you.

41

One of the things that's great

about Date Me Docs is a lot of the

42

apps that people use now, there's

quite a character limit, right?

43

There's not a lot of information you

can put in there, and so you can sort

44

of think of the Date Me doc, as a little

bit of a callback to the era before.

45

2013 when all the apps came out, when

things like OkCupid were really big,

46

there's still, uh, an OkCupid out there.

47

There's still match.com,

48

these sites where you maybe

can put more information down.

49

But you and I, we met on OkCupid and I

think you and I really enjoyed that we

50

were able to read a lot of information

about one another before we even messaged.

51

Um, so it's a really great way to give

people more of that long form experience

52

and give a lot more nuanced information.

53

Uh, before either you match or meet or

if you're continuing to date to really

54

decide whether you are compatible.

55

So all of that means that with Date Me

Docs, you can date in a way that's maybe a

56

little bit more, uh, slower paced, right?

57

With apps, it's a lot of quick

swiping and quick assessing based

58

on not a lot of information, usually

59

Josh: very little information.

60

Jessica: Yeah, so it's less

image driven, which I think is

61

gonna appeal to a lot of people.

62

Uh, it's more about the

whole person, right?

63

There was a, a surge a few years ago

in sort of the media sphere exploring

64

date me docs, and I was quoted in a New

York Times article which will link to.

65

In the show notes that people can go

back and look because that one has

66

some really good information about

Date Me Docs and also some examples.

67

And there there is something called

a Date me Directory where Date Me

68

Docs are listed so that the idea

here, the original idea was these

69

are documents outside of the apps or

sites that we can share as we like.

70

We have control over the information and

other people who create Date Me docs.

71

Might be a good fit, right?

72

So there's a community of date

me, doc creators out there who

73

look at each other's profiles

and you can reach out to them.

74

And that's another way to meet, uh,

eligible singles and to know a lot about

75

somebody before you even reach out.

76

Josh: Hmm.

77

It's definitely a, a thing that I, when

I was dating, I loved about OkCupid,

78

like you said, of being able to have

a lot more information about somebody.

79

I mean, you, you really get, I mean, in

those days with OkCupid, you could get

80

a lot of information also about how much

somebody didn't write in their profile,

81

because there was room for both a lot and.

82

A little bit and some people

did not write a whole lot.

83

Yes.

84

Uh, but really the, the profiles like

yours in particular that I was drawn

85

to were people who, who took some

time to share about who they were.

86

And you just get such a better

sense of a person through that

87

kind of long form, uh, sharing.

88

So I love that we're talking about

Date Me Docs, and I think it's

89

such a useful tool in the arsenal

of finding your long-term partner.

90

Jessica: Yeah, absolutely.

91

Yeah.

92

Well, so why don't we talk about

why to create a dating doc.

93

We've already named some benefits.

94

Mm-hmm.

95

Um, the most important reason that

I see I would put under the, the

96

title Love Favors, the Clear Sighted.

97

Hmm.

98

So I really think that a Date Me Doc

is worth creating whether or not you

99

ever share it with anyone because it

really requires you to get clear on who

100

you are, what you're looking for, who

that person is, who that relationship

101

is, why you'd be a good partner.

102

All the things that we've talked about

a lot in all these different episodes.

103

A lot of the people who are

listening to this probably have

104

had the experience of coming across

people in the dating pool who.

105

Don't seem particularly clear mm-hmm.

106

About what they're looking for.

107

They're just kind of reacting.

108

Yeah.

109

I know that a lot of people have

difficult experiences in dating

110

because of reactivity, right?

111

Maybe you get entwined with somebody

really quickly 'cause there's

112

an intense passion between you.

113

And then a month or two months down

the line, there's a really clear

114

incompatibility that rises up.

115

Wouldn't it have been nice to avoid,

uh, that experience of everybody

116

just reacting to say a spark?

117

You might save yourself a lot of

heartache if you are clear about what

118

you want and can identify it more easily.

119

Josh: Yeah.

120

I love that.

121

I I love that using a Date Me doc even

just to help yourself be clear about what

122

you want, both in terms of a partner,

in terms of relationships, so that,

123

like you said, even if you never share

the Date Me Doc, if you're swiping on

124

the apps, you're going on dates, you

have this guiding light for yourself.

125

Of what you're looking for

126

Jessica: absolutely.

127

Yeah.

128

And you know, dear listener, you might

be thinking, well, couldn't I just

129

get clear on all that in my head?

130

Why do I need to write it all down?

131

And I would, I would challenge you on

that because I, at least for me, when I

132

am required to write something down, it

forces me to clarify things in a way that

133

I can't really do just in my own head.

134

Josh: Mm-hmm.

135

Jessica: Another good reason to

create a Date Me doc is it will

136

lead to better dates overall because

you are giving more information.

137

Or if you're reading a Date Me Doc,

you receive more information, right?

138

Again, there's no character limits.

139

We will talk later about how long

one of these documents should

140

be but you know, you're not as

limited as you are on the apps.

141

You get to add a lot more context upfront.

142

Um.

143

So you're gonna have fewer, like, why are

we on this date kind of moments, right?

144

Like, I know I was recently talking to a

client who was basically like, yeah, I've

145

just been going on a lot of dates where

I, I arrive on the date and I'm like.

146

What are we gonna talk about?

147

Josh: Mm.

148

Yeah.

149

Yeah.

150

Jessica: Um, so you're gonna have

more of those like enthusiastic

151

yeses, uh, and fewer of the,

like, this just wasn't even worth.

152

Trying.

153

Uh, you know, within that I think

more information means deal breakers

154

get on the table more quickly.

155

Uh, and I often do advocate,

particularly for those who are getting

156

into relationships repeatedly that

are not a good fit and perhaps the

157

same kind of relationship over and

over again to put your deal breakers.

158

And frame them positively, but

to put them maybe even upfront

159

in your, in your profile.

160

So for example, for me, in my profile,

I wrote, as you recall, Josh, that I was

161

looking for marriage, monogamy, and kids.

162

And I put it like pretty near the top,

which at the time felt super vulnerable.

163

Um, but was really key for breaking

a pattern of attracting people who

164

weren't aligned with those goals.

165

Josh: Yeah, absolutely.

166

And it, and it led to a conversation

for us early on about that to make

167

sure that we were on the same page

about what we were looking for.

168

And that, ended up beautifully for us, but

also if we had not been aligned on those

169

things could have saved you and me also a

lot of heartache if we'd discovered, oh,

170

we aren't actually aligned on these things

before the second or third date versus

171

six months or a year in or something.

172

Jessica: Absolutely.

173

I do find that date me Docs

often beget more date me.

174

Docs I've seen often when people

share Date me docs, the other people

175

who receive them go, this is so cool

176

Josh: I should read a date.

177

Me doc.

178

Hold on.

179

Let me, let me send you my draft.

180

Let's go.

181

Jessica: Yeah.

182

And I think that it really signals,

you know, to what the point you were

183

making earlier, Josh, about like.

184

Some people fill out the

profiles and some don't.

185

That's a big signal, isn't it?

186

Josh: Yeah.

187

I, I think we've talked probably on this

podcast at other times about like costly

188

signals versus low cost signals, right?

189

Like the whole idea being if it, it costs

you more to send this particular signal,

190

it's a more meaningful signal, right?

191

Saying some nice words on a date.

192

Pretty low cost signal, right?

193

Someone taking the time to write out

a one page, two page, thoughtful,

194

uh, introspective, clear date me doc.

195

A more costly signal, right?

196

That this person is engaged.

197

They're looking for

something long term, right?

198

These are more.

199

Useful and meaningful signals for

us about how this person is engaging

200

with dating, what they're here for.

201

What they're looking for.

202

Jessica: Absolutely.

203

And there's a, some research

that shows that a lot of singles

204

are looking for something that

is meaningful and long term.

205

And a lot of singles are

also not willing to say that.

206

Josh: it's scary.

207

It's like I'm gonna, I'm gonna scare

somebody off if I admit, if I say out loud

208

that I'm looking for something long term.

209

Jessica: And yet those profiles that

say they're looking for something long

210

term or that are in depth and show

effort tend to get a lot of interest.

211

Because it's, it stands out when

somebody's willing to be vulnerable

212

Josh: Yeah.

213

About that.

214

Yeah.

215

Anything else about why one

might want to create a date?

216

Me doc?

217

Jessica: Yes, I will say, I do

think that it actually makes making

218

online dating profiles easier.

219

Josh: was thinking about that.

220

Yeah.

221

Jessica: Yeah.

222

Tell me what you were thinking.

223

Josh: Well, if you've already

taken the time to articulate.

224

Who you are, what you want what kind

of partner you're looking for, what

225

kinda relationship you're looking for.

226

Then it's like, okay, I don't have to

do the hard work of recreating that.

227

I can pull things, even if I'm not

sharing all of it, because I don't

228

have character limits and whatnot.

229

I can pull things from that date me

doc specifically into a hinge profile

230

or a, you know, whatever profile so

that I don't have to recreate it.

231

Right.

232

I've done the work already.

233

Jessica: You've got it.

234

Uh, yeah.

235

To use a weird metaphor,

I think of it as the like.

236

The, the dating ocean from

when all your profiles flow,

237

all the profile rivers flow.

238

Josh: Is that how rivers work?

239

I think rivers flow into the sea.

240

Okay.

241

Jessica: Alright.

242

Okay, thanks Josh.

243

I think you got what I mean though.

244

Josh: but we get the point.

245

We get the point.

246

Jessica: Uh, yeah.

247

You know, as we run our business,

you talk about, we wanna make sure

248

we have what, what do you call it?

249

One true source or,

250

Josh: I'm not sure what I call it.

251

Jessica: Well, like instead of

having things in multiple places, ah,

252

Josh: yes, we have one source of truth.

253

Jessica: One source of truth.

254

Josh: Thank you.

255

Jessica: Yeah.

256

Yeah.

257

And so this can be Date, date, me,

doc, can be your one source of truth.

258

The document that you update, uh, I

do think of it as a living document.

259

As you learn more about yourself,

learn more about what you need.

260

And so that can be, again, the one source

of truth that you keep going back to.

261

If you do decide you need to update

your profiles so you're, again, not

262

starting from scratch every time.

263

Yeah.

264

Josh: Yeah, I love that.

265

Jessica: Okay.

266

Just a couple other reasons.

267

I do think that Date me Docs can help

with reducing dating app burnout.

268

Okay.

269

So apps, you know, they're very gamified.

270

Mm-hmm.

271

They're addictive.

272

They rely on intermittent

reinforcement, much like slot machines.

273

Yeah.

274

You, a dear listener, may have experienced

dating burnout, and for some people,

275

they just kind of want to be done with

late stage capitalism in their love life.

276

IE very fair.

277

Yeah, IE deleting the apps date me

talks are, about quality over quantity.

278

They're about depth over dopamine, right?

279

They're a way to have your information in

the way that you want it, where you want

280

it, instead of it being used for profit.

281

Now some people may choose to, of

course, stay on the apps and have a

282

date me doc, that's entirely fair.

283

And others may choose to just get

off the apps entirely and use this

284

as a way to supplement their meeting

people in real life or connecting with

285

people on the Date me directory or

through matchmaking as we talked about.

286

I will say that one of the

downsides of just doing Date me

287

Docs is that it's a small pool

of people who have Date Me docs.

288

So the, the numbers aren't there at, so to

speak, in terms of if it's a numbers game.

289

Okay.

290

And I think it's worthwhile.

291

Regardless of whether you ever

show anyone the Date Me Doc.

292

Right.

293

I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do it just

because you're really keen on accessing

294

the Date Me doc pool of singles.

295

Josh: Right.

296

That's, that's gonna be

a low, low probability.

297

Yeah.

298

Uh, chance for you, but the, the

benefits of creating it and other ways

299

you might use it, both in terms of the

clarity it brings you and the ways that

300

it might supplement your online dating

profiles and your IRL connections.

301

Yes.

302

Could be really valuable.

303

Jessica: absolutely.

304

And that's the last point I'll make

about Date Me Docs, which we've

305

already touched on a little bit.

306

It's really wonderful

for friend matchmaking.

307

Okay.

308

So I really recommend if you do make

a Date Me Doc, to send it to friends

309

who you think to yourself, like if

I could find somebody like them.

310

I would be golden, and you know,

it's one thing to say to a friend,

311

Hey, I'm looking for a partner.

312

Can you think of anyone?

313

And it's another thing to give them

a beautifully crafted document that

314

outlines exactly what you're looking for.

315

It's gonna really help them.

316

Think through more specifically the

people in their life who might be

317

a fit and more effectively match

you with people who are a good fit

318

Josh: and make it so easy for them to.

319

Make that connection also, right?

320

Like if we think about when we're asking

our friends for support in this area, we

321

wanna make it as easy as possible, right?

322

Exactly.

323

Jessica: Make it so easy.

324

Josh: So the question then, if you're

like, cool, I date me, docs sound great.

325

How do I write one?

326

Jessica: Yes.

327

How to write a Date Me doc.

328

Big picture.

329

We're gonna link you to a template

that you can use that includes all the

330

things I'm gonna go through in a moment.

331

Again, I wanna encourage you to check out

the New York Times article that I'm gonna

332

link you to and the date me directory.

333

Really look at all the examples to

get a sense of what you like, what

334

you're drawn to in, in these documents.

335

But to dive in a little bit more, you're

going to include just like in a dating

336

profile, written content and photos.

337

So, first thing I'm gonna have you.

338

Put in your date.

339

Me doc is your, is your name.

340

You can even do it in a cute way.

341

Hi, my name is whatever.

342

Exclamation point emoji.

343

Make it yours.

344

Right?

345

I would follow that up with a hook.

346

Okay.

347

So a hook being something that is

relatively short and compelling.

348

Your Damme doc overall, I'm gonna

recommend lands somewhere between

349

500 and 1500 words, which in

a Google Doc, 12 point, single

350

spaced is one to three pages.

351

That is the amount that people

can typically pay attention to

352

something that they've looked up

that they're super interested in.

353

Josh: Cool.

354

Jessica: And a lot of people

are gonna get bored quickly.

355

Josh: Mm-hmm.

356

Jessica: And so we want you to have

something really interesting up top.

357

With that hook, I think of that

as sort of like a subtitle, right?

358

That clarifies that the

document is a Date Me doc.

359

Okay.

360

And.

361

That might be something like Dog Dad

available for adoption immediately.

362

Cheerful, snugly, and clean.

363

Loves listening and giving high quality

hugs when you're having a bad day.

364

Josh: Cute.

365

Jessica: Yeah.

366

So this one was witty.

367

You can make it yours.

368

Um, I would avoid trite phrases, right?

369

Things like Adventure Lover looking for

a partner in crime who loves to laugh.

370

Josh: Well, you don't

think that's gonna hook

371

Jessica: people

372

Josh: in.

373

Jessica: I get it.

374

And I, I think a lot of

people have heard those words.

375

Josh: Yeah.

376

It's like when it's overused, it

starts to lose its meaning and we

377

just, our eyes just kind of glaze over.

378

Jessica: Exactly.

379

So we're looking for something

specific and memorable

380

after the hook, I, I would

encourage you to put a picture

381

of yourself, A closeup headshot.

382

Mm-hmm.

383

Smiling.

384

And then I would move into a me section.

385

Okay, so this is where you're

gonna describe yourself.

386

Again, we're aiming for one to three

pages, so this is probably a paragraph

387

to a page somewhere around there.

388

And I would encourage you to self

disclose to really build a deep

389

connection right off the bat.

390

Of course, there's a sweet spot.

391

Sometimes people overshare

and trauma dump up top.

392

One of the things that I've noticed

is some of the people who create date

393

me docs, I think, think that by saying

all of the negative things about them

394

up top, that's the way to filter.

395

Hmm.

396

Josh: Mm.

397

Jessica: And there's a, there's a nuance

in here, which is we wanna focus on the

398

positive within us while still naming

399

dealbreakers and flaws.

400

So the example I gave earlier is I was

looking for marriage, monogamy, and kids.

401

Notice I did not say, if you're non

monogamous and you wanna be child

402

free and you're into something

short term, get outta here.

403

Or, or if I were focusing on my flaws.

404

In a negative way, if I had said

something like, well, I, it's really,

405

um, important to me that my partner stays

really close and I don't really like

406

a lot of space and you should probably

know this up top about me, and, uh

407

Right.

408

That's probably not

going to land super well.

409

Josh: yeah.

410

Yeah.

411

I, I love the way you talk

about this because it's.

412

There is a sweet spot for us to

find where we are disclosing.

413

We're not holding back about who we are.

414

We're maybe sharing some things that

are a little bit vulnerable to share,

415

and yet we are not sharing all of our

trauma history from the beginning.

416

We're not sharing all of our, like,

most critical thoughts about ourselves.

417

Jessica: And

418

Josh: I think at the heart of it, who

you are and the reason someone will

419

want to be with you is not your flaws.

420

We all have flaws.

421

We all have things that aren't, are

hard to be with for some people.

422

And at the end of the day, you are a

lovely, loving, lovable person that

423

someone out there is gonna be really

excited to know, but they have to

424

know who you are in order to find you.

425

And if you lead with only the things

that are wrong with you or you think that

426

are wrong with you it's gonna be hard

for that person who's looking for you.

427

To find you.

428

Is that a, is that a

fair way of putting that?

429

It's a

430

Jessica: way of putting it, right?

431

You're only giving them the.

432

I want some sort of metaphor here.

433

Josh: warning label.

434

Jessica: you're only giving

them the warning label.

435

That's

436

Josh: disclaimer on the box, like,

437

Jessica: Yeah.

438

Yeah.

439

And a lot of things that have

warning labels, it's like a warning

440

label that's required by the state.

441

Right.

442

And the thing that's inside is lovely.

443

Yeah.

444

It's like chocolate.

445

Josh: like, oh, great.

446

I'm excited.

447

If I only saw the warning label

that was like, this chocolate might

448

contain lead or something, whatever.

449

It's like, okay.

450

And also there's chocolate

in this container.

451

Jessica: Yes.

452

Perfectly set.

453

So leading with vulnerability, I think

a good rule of thumb is what's something

454

that you would share on a first date?

455

Josh: Mm-hmm.

456

Jessica: Right.

457

And, and you listener might be

saying, well, I'm not sharing a ton

458

that's vulnerable on a first date.

459

Well, I would challenge you to consider,

460

Josh: might want to, might

461

Jessica: want to go back to

our dating skills, uh, series.

462

So finding a way to share about

yourself and, go beyond what

463

I call tacos and beer, right.

464

Or Machu Picchu and, um.

465

Rock climbing.

466

Mm-hmm.

467

All these things are lovely, believe me.

468

I, I like all of them.

469

And they're in a lot of profiles and they

don't necessarily speak to, what's inside.

470

So you wanna speak to your values,

your emotions, your dreams, and your

471

quirks in, in a positive or playful way.

472

So I would say that the headline

for this me section is be the U You.

473

You can be really own all of you,

including your quirks in a way that

474

helps you stand out and do it in

a way that's positive and warm.

475

A great question to ask yourself for

when you're writing this section is

476

what makes me unlike other people

477

if you struggle a lot with writing

about yourself, which a lot of

478

people do, I would encourage you

to actually talk to your friends.

479

Mm-hmm.

480

And ask things like, if you had to

share one memorable moment that like

481

perfectly captures who I am, what was

that moment and why are you choosing it?

482

Josh: Mm.

483

Jessica: Hmm.

484

Take notes.

485

Yep.

486

And then see if you can craft that.

487

I can give a an example.

488

It's relatively brief.

489

As per online dating profile, character

limits, this would not be your entire

490

section, but just as an example.

491

Your me section might say something

like, uh, me, dad jokes for days good

492

at cleaning up my messes promptly and

wildly attracted to women who feel deeply.

493

Josh: Beautiful.

494

Yeah, that's it.

495

It, it gives, there's like poetry and

depth to that, even in a few lines,

496

short lines that is more engaging.

497

It says more about this

person than I like.

498

Jessica: I like

499

Josh: To eat tacos and drink

beer and watch a game together.

500

Jessica: Yes, absolutely.

501

Josh: you know, going through the

process of writing a Date Me Doc may

502

challenge you to really like, get

to know yourself better too, and.

503

Appreciate yourself a little bit if

you are being forced to acknowledge

504

the wonderful things about yourself,

not just all of the things that

505

you think are wrong with you,

506

Jessica: you,

507

Josh: that might be a nice side

benefit to going through this process.

508

Jessica: Absolutely.

509

And to be clear, we are forcing you.

510

Josh: We are forcing you.

511

Yes, it is required.

512

If you've listened to this podcast this

far you, what are we forcing you to do?

513

Write the Date Me Doc.

514

Appreciate themselves.

515

Jessica: Yes.

516

Appreciate

517

Josh: Okay, good.

518

It's like, wait, I don't know if I can

actually get behind forcing people to

519

write a Date Me doc, but I can get behind

forcing you to appreciate yourself.

520

That's right.

521

Jessica: Okay.

522

So that's the me

523

Josh: Okay, great.

524

So any questions on that?

525

What if you just don't

feel like a good writer?

526

What if writing is not your strength?

527

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

528

Yeah.

529

This is a great question.

530

Particularly in the AI era

that we are currently in.

531

Josh: So you're gonna say

just chat, type in a chat.

532

GBT.

533

And

534

Jessica: how did you know,

535

Josh: whatever's in there?

536

Jessica: How did you know?

537

Josh: Please

538

Jessica: don't do that.

539

Dear listener.

540

No, don't.

541

How many profiles out there

have been written by Cha GBT?

542

Josh: and how sick

543

are you of reading profiles

that have been written by chat?

544

Bt?

545

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

546

Yeah.

547

So.

548

Josh: listen,

549

Jessica: there's a place for ai, um,

in writing and maybe even a place

550

sometimes with online dating for sure.

551

But I don't want you to start there.

552

I think I would encourage you, if you are

gonna use AI at all, to use it as kind

553

of an editor or a second set of eyes.

554

I would encourage you

instead to find a human.

555

That you trust who is also a

good writer who can support you.

556

And that might be a friend.

557

Uh, it might be, uh, a

dating coach or therapist.

558

Really just make sure you're

working with somebody who's good

559

at writing and, and also knows

you, knows what you're looking for.

560

Mm-hmm.

561

Great.

562

Josh: So let's talk about,

let's talk about you then.

563

Jessica: Yes.

564

So

565

Josh: and by you I mean

the you section Yes.

566

Of this

567

Jessica: U section that sounds sexual,

568

Josh: the you section,

569

go and

570

Jessica: shopping in the U section.

571

Um,

572

Josh: How does shopping come into this?

573

Jessica: Well, it's the

section where the yous are.

574

Are available.

575

Oh, like the, like the aisle.

576

Josh: Uhhuh.

577

Great.

578

Yep.

579

Jessica: It's good when you

have to explain a joke, it

580

means this is a really good one.

581

Um, right.

582

So after the me section, there's a you

section meaning, uh, it's titled you

583

and it describes your ideal mate, right?

584

So the person you're hoping

is reading the document.

585

Yes.

586

Okay.

587

I recommend going back to our what to

look for in a long term partner episode,

588

and we will link to our partner guide,

uh, in the show notes that will lead

589

you through identifying the traits that

you're looking for in a, in a mate.

590

And that should really be

what you are referencing when

591

you're writing this section.

592

Okay.

593

Again, I would, I phrase

things in the positive.

594

A short example of this might be you

pet every dog you come across, laugh

595

loudly and often, especially at yourself.

596

And wanna visit every state park in

the US with your future raucous clan

597

consisting of approximately one husband,

three kids, and two rescue pups.

598

Josh: Love it.

599

There's a lot of detail in that

already, even in a few short lines.

600

I noticed you didn't say things

like is loving, kind like you just

601

didn't just list a bunch of qualities

602

Jessica: basically.

603

Yes.

604

Josh: Yes.

605

Which.

606

It might be what people have after

they've completed the ideal mate exercise.

607

So there's a step in there to translate

like, here are the qualities that

608

I'm looking for in a partner into the

beautiful vivid specific imagery that

609

you are demonstrating in that example.

610

Jessica: Yeah.

611

Great catch.

612

So, what you're speaking to

there, Josh, is a trait loving,

613

caring kind, that's abstract.

614

And when people read a list of

abstract words, their eyes glaze over.

615

Yes.

616

So for every abstract word you

use, I want you to, pull in a,

617

use a specific example of that.

618

So you would want to think through,

okay, I'm looking for a loving partner.

619

What, what does that

specifically mean to me?

620

Yeah.

621

How would he or she, they

demonstrate that they are loving.

622

Mm-hmm.

623

Josh: Mm-hmm.

624

Jessica: And then you're

gonna describe that.

625

Yeah.

626

Josh: I love that, that because also

627

Jessica: in

628

Josh: addition to our, our eyes

just glazing over when we read

629

a list of abstract words, these

words also mean a lot of different

630

things to different people.

631

That's right.

632

And so to give an example of what that

looks like is gonna be so much more

633

useful, conveys a lot more information

than just using the word loving.

634

Jessica: Absolutely.

635

Josh: Okay.

636

Are we talking about the we?

637

Jessica: Let's talk about the we.

638

That's my favorite thing to talk

639

Josh: about.

640

Jessica: It sounds dirty again.

641

Does it?

642

Oh, okay.

643

Mm-hmm.

644

Ooh.

645

Josh: Okay.

646

Jessica: So we, we.

647

That is what the, the section can

be titled, listen, you can title

648

these different things if you

like, but I'm encouraging we, if

649

you can't think of anything else.

650

And this is the section where you

describe your ideal relationship.

651

So, uh, brief example I'll give you, and

then we'll talk a little bit about it.

652

We are best friends who can't keep

their hands off one another, uh,

653

passionate couples therapy goers.

654

Yay.

655

Growth, co-creative all day, every day.

656

For example, couples costumes, homemade

music videos, epic dinner parties, and

657

never hesitate to put one another first.

658

Josh: Another.

659

Mm-hmm.

660

It's, again, it's evocative, it's

specific, it's demonstrating the

661

values or the qualities of that

relationship, uh, in the examples

662

of how that might look together.

663

Just like what you were

talking about in the U section.

664

Jessica: You got it.

665

Absolutely.

666

This section could include a description

of your ideal day or date with

667

your partner, if you're looking for

sort of ways into being specific.

668

Mm-hmm.

669

I would definitely recommend, as we

discussed earlier, if you're looking

670

for something long term and deep,

something substantive say that,

671

Josh: Yep.

672

Jessica: That will actually probably

get you more engagement and more of

673

the engagement that you are looking

674

Josh: mm-hmm.

675

Jessica: Uh,

676

Josh: What if you're not sure what kind

of relationship you're looking for,

677

Jessica: for, well, then you need to

listen to the podcast episode that Josh

678

is going to be creating with me soon

679

Josh: coming attractions.

680

We'll be talking about how to articulate

your, uh, your partnership vision.

681

So stay tuned.

682

Jessica: The other thing to be including

throughout your document are pictures.

683

I recommend three minimum.

684

We already had that headshot up top.

685

I also recommend a full body shot,

ideally with you in date attire.

686

So they can see how you might

appear if you get a little fancy.

687

Mm-hmm.

688

Um, and what else?

689

I think it's great to have a picture

of you doing something you love.

690

That's the thing that we are

really going for in photos is

691

can we see that spark of joy in

692

you?

693

Mm-hmm.

694

Josh: Of that.

695

Jessica: You can include

other photos if you like.

696

And then lastly, I do recommend, uh,

including some contact info so that

697

this person can get ahold of you.

698

Josh: You're like, Ooh, this

person's cute and thoughtful and,

699

uh, deep and want something real.

700

How do I get in touch?

701

Jessica: That's right.

702

And you can do that however you like.

703

You can create a contact form.

704

You can give them a a, a sort of

spammy email address if that's pre

705

preferred over your usual email address.

706

You can give them your phone number

if you feel comfortable with that.

707

Um, I do encourage you to.

708

Potentially do it in a uh, playful way.

709

You can invite them to reach

out and share what you'd love to

710

do on your first date together.

711

I think it's great to give

people a sense of what they might

712

expect if they reach out to you.

713

Josh: Love that.

714

And then is there anything else for

us to say about how to use your date?

715

Me Doc, we've talked a little

bit about throughout, but yeah.

716

Is there anything else

we wanna say about that?

717

Jessica: Right.

718

So where should your Date Me Doc Live?

719

Yes.

720

Uh, again, Google Docs is a

great place for it to exist.

721

Notion's another common

option once you've created it.

722

I recommend requesting that it be

added to the date me directory.

723

It should also live in the inbox,

phone or computer of your trusted

724

friends who wanna help you match, make

725

Josh: Aka email it to them.

726

Yeah.

727

Or text it to them.

728

Jessica: yes, yes, yes, yes.

729

Yeah.

730

And you know, you can also text it to

Cuties that you're getting to know, uh,

731

who you want to know more about you and.

732

Josh: And how might you, uh, this

is a longer conversation, but let's

733

say you just met a cutie mm-hmm.

734

And you wanna get to know them.

735

How might you go about sharing that date?

736

Me, doc?

737

Jessica: Yeah, that's a great question.

738

I want, I wanna actually

bounce that back to you, Josh.

739

How would you do it?

740

Josh: Um.

741

I'll clear my throat first and

get into my lower register.

742

Jessica: Do you wanna do it badly first?

743

Josh: Sure.

744

Uh, well, uh, it has been

fun to get to know you.

745

Um, I have a document I'd like you

to read before I proceed any further.

746

Uh, please read this document

and send me comments.

747

Thank you.

748

Jessica: New choice.

749

Josh: Uh, this has been really lovely.

750

I've, I've been really

enjoying getting to know you.

751

Um, I really enjoy going on a date

with you if you're interested in that.

752

Jessica: I love that.

753

Josh: Cool.

754

I also have this, uh, date me doc

that I've put together that just

755

shares a little bit more about

who I am and what I'm looking for.

756

Um, can I send that your

way or are you interested in

757

Jessica: Oh, I'd love to see that.

758

Yeah.

759

Okay, cool.

760

That's so cool.

761

Josh: I'll text it to you then.

762

Uh, lemme get your digits.

763

Jessica: You get my digits.

764

Josh: That's what the kids say, right.

765

Digits.

766

Jessica: Probably not.

767

Josh: Uh,

768

Jessica: Yeah.

769

Beautifully, beautifully done.

770

Yeah.

771

Yeah.

772

I liked it.

773

It worked, worked for me.

774

I want you to do it one more time.

775

This time I want you to do it as

somebody who feels a little bit

776

nervous about sharing this document.

777

Josh: nervous.

778

Okay.

779

Yeah, it's, it's been really fun, uh,

getting to know you and, uh, I think

780

it'd be really fun to go on a, on a date

together if you're interested in that.

781

Jessica: I'd love to.

782

Josh: Okay.

783

Cool.

784

Um, I, I.

785

I feel a little vulnerable, uh, saying

this, but I have a, uh, a Date Me doc.

786

I dunno if you've have come

across Date Me Docs before.

787

It's like, it's basically like a

long online dating profile, but

788

you know, kind of not in an app.

789

It's just more about me and

what I'm looking for and that's

790

Jessica: Oh, cool.

791

Um,

792

Josh: And yeah, I just, it'd be fun to

share that with you if you're, if you're

793

interested, uh, just so you can get a

little more, get to know me a little

794

bit more and and see if I'm someone

that you're excited about dating more.

795

Jessica: Totally.

796

I would love that.

797

And thanks.

798

Thanks for being vulnerable.

799

Yeah, I can see how that

would feel a little risky.

800

Josh: Oh, thanks.

801

Thanks for receiving it so, so sweetly,

802

Jessica: Yeah,

803

Josh: I'm excited.

804

Jessica: Me too.

805

Josh: Me too.

806

Jessica: And scene.

807

Josh: How was that?

808

Oh.

809

Jessica: Beautiful.

810

How did, how did it feel?

811

Josh: You know, I felt

a little vulnerable.

812

Jessica: Yeah.

813

Yeah.

814

Understandably.

815

I, I was putting you on

the spot a little bit

816

Josh: you were.

817

Jessica: and I thank you for being

vulnerable in doing that because, I think

818

one of the things that I've heard has been

most helpful in this podcast for people

819

is the modeling and actually your modeling

often, like particularly the men who are

820

dating women, seem to really resonate

with your capacity to be in vulnerability

821

and still assert what you're wanting.

822

Josh: Well, thank you.

823

Yeah.

824

I appreciate that.

825

Yeah, it's, uh,

826

Jessica: I

827

Josh: think it can be a very attractive

thing to be willing to be vulnerable.

828

Like in the moment with

your vulnerability.

829

Mm-hmm.

830

Uh, to be, and it can be hard.

831

Listen, I, I've been there,

I've been there with you

832

Jessica: Mm-hmm.

833

Mm-hmm.

834

Josh: Uh, in our early dating and and

most of the time, especially if it's

835

somebody that is gonna be a good fit

for you, they will respond very kindly.

836

Jessica: very.

837

Yeah, absolutely.

838

It's a wonderful compatibility experiment.

839

Josh: And if they don't, you

go complain about it to your

840

friends and never see them again.

841

There you go.

842

There you go.

843

Jessica: You've got a story.

844

Yep.

845

You

846

Josh: You got a story

847

and you don't have to spend

any more time with them.

848

Mm-hmm.

849

Jessica: Yeah.

850

Josh, as you've been listening, yes.

851

You know about Date Me Docs,

but we really went in depth.

852

So I'm wondering what you're

taking from this conversation.

853

Josh: Well, I, I think one

of the things I love about.

854

Date me Docs and our

approach to date me docs is

855

Using

856

it for your own clarity, almost first

and foremost, as well as using it

857

for like clarity about what you're

looking for and also about who you are.

858

Like I think that's a beautiful

thing to be challenged to engage with

859

Jessica: mm-hmm.

860

Josh: Yeah.

861

So, if you've listened to, to all

of this at this point and you're

862

like, Ooh, I wanna go create a Date

Me doc, go check out our show notes.

863

We're gonna have links to the template

that we mentioned, as well as all the

864

other resources that we mentioned in

the show, so you can dig in and get

865

started and, and have some fun with this.

866

That's all for today.

867

You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we've mentioned

868

in this episode@relationshipcenter.com

869

slash podcast.

870

And if you have a question

or comment, email us at

871

podcast@relationshipcenter.com.

872

We love hearing from you.

873

if you'd like to work with one

of the talented clinicians on our

874

team, go to relationship center.com

875

to apply for a free 30

minute consultation.

876

Jessica: You can also sign up

for a monthly email of our best

877

content@relationshipcenter.com

878

slash newsletter.

879

Josh: and if something in this

episode touched you, will you share

880

it with a friend that helps us

reach more sweet humans like you.

881

Jessica: Lastly, we'd love it if you

would leave us a rating and review

882

wherever you listen to podcasts and

be sure to hit subscribe while you're

883

there so you never miss an episode.

884

Josh: Until next time, we love you

885

Jessica: love you too.

886

Josh: Bye.

887

beautifully.

888

Beautiful.

889

Beautifully

890

beautiful.