Shownotes
• The best mindset to adopt in order to become a better communicator is the one that will best allow you to connect, meet your needs, solve problems, and express yourself.
• Begin by asking yourself what your default communication style is: aggressive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative. None of these styles actually achieves the ultimate goal of communication, however.
• The way you communicate is a choice. Assertive communication is the ability to express needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings directly without disrespecting or controlling others. Mature conversationalists are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open, and respectful.
• Communicating well is simple and easy, but we need to remove the formidable psychological barriers that stand in the way. With awareness, we can remove them and improve our communication skills.
#AggressiveCommunicator #Assertive #AssertiveCommunicator #Communication #CommunicationStyle #Communicator #Manipulation #Manipulative #ManipulativeCommunicator #Nonverbally #Passive #Passiveaggressive #PassiveAggressiveCommunicator #PassiveCommunicator #TheBasicsAreNotSoBasic #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching
Transcripts
Communication is everything.
Speaker:No matter who you are or what you are trying to achieve in your life, improving your communication
Speaker:skills is a must.
Speaker:It’s a strange fact that human beings are expected to just know how to communicate—despite
Speaker:so many of us finding it challenging or unpleasant!
Speaker:The truth is that good communication takes time, effort, and know-how.
Speaker:It follows known principles and laws.
Speaker:Luckily, being a charismatic speaker, empathetic listener, and skillful negotiator and mediator
Speaker:is not something reserved for the select few—it’s something that anyone can do if only you understand
Speaker:these laws.
Speaker:There is certainly not enough space in just one book to cover all the multifaceted ways
Speaker:that communication can be finetuned and tweaked.
Speaker:But in the following chapters, we’re going to explore some of the most popular concepts
Speaker:and principles so you feel empowered to start making positive changes right now.
Speaker:One idea that we will return to frequently is the overall purpose of communication.
Speaker:We reach out to one another to connect, to meet our needs, to express ourselves, and
Speaker:to solve problems.
Speaker:Therefore, the best mindset to adopt on our mission to become better communicators is
Speaker:the one that will best allow us to do just that: connect.
Speaker:Identify Your Communication Style
Speaker:When learning how to communicate better, it’s important to understand your exact starting
Speaker:point, i.e., how good is your communication ability currently?
Speaker:If you’ve picked up this book, chances are there are some aspects of the way you communicate
Speaker:that you’ve identified as needing improvement.
Speaker:But communication is not just one skill, but a complex mix of many.
Speaker:On top of that, there are different styles of communication.
Speaker:Even if you don’t consider yourself a good communicator currently, you have a unique
Speaker:and characteristic type of communication whether you’re conscious of it or not.
Speaker:As we move through the chapters of this book, we’ll be looking at concrete ways to consciously
Speaker:choose the best and most effective styles of communication rather than default to unconscious
Speaker:patterns that may not really be working for us.
Speaker:When you can communicate well, your relationships take on an extra dimension of quality and
Speaker:intimacy, you find yourself in conflict far less often, and you give yourself the gift
Speaker:of being seen and understood so that other people have the best possible chance of meeting
Speaker:your needs.
Speaker:But without good communication, everything—relationships, work, conflict resolution—becomes much,
Speaker:much harder, if not impossible.
Speaker:Before we learn the best ways to communicate, let’s ask ourselves: how do we communicate
Speaker:right now?
Speaker:Take a look at the following communication style profiles and see if you can recognize
Speaker:yourself in one (or more!) of them:
Speaker:The Passive Communicator
Speaker:For this kind of communicator, it’s all about what isn’t said.
Speaker:Passive communication avoids expressing needs and wants, avoids conflict, and doesn’t
Speaker:directly and obviously convey thoughts or feelings.
Speaker:Imagine two friends going out for a drink.
Speaker:The first asks the second where he’d like to go, the second says, “Oh, I don’t mind.
Speaker:You choose somewhere.”
Speaker:The first does choose somewhere, and the second doesn’t actually like it ... but doesn’t
Speaker:say so.
Speaker:Instead, he gets quietly annoyed and resentful.
Speaker:When the first friend asks what’s wrong, the second says, “Oh, nothing, I’m fine,”
Speaker:while very obviously not being fine!
Speaker:At the end of the evening, things come to a head and the passive friend has an emotional
Speaker:outburst, snapping rudely.
Speaker:Immediately, he apologizes and acts submissive and guilty.
Speaker:He goes home wondering how he keeps ending up in such emotionally fraught situations
Speaker:when he works so hard to avoid confrontation.
Speaker:Sound familiar?
Speaker:You might have a passive communication style.
Speaker:Here are some other clues:
Speaker:•You apologize for expressing yourself or sharing your wants and needs
Speaker:•You find it difficult to make decisions, lead, or take responsibility
Speaker:•You sometimes feel like a victim
Speaker:•You often prefer to opt out or let others take control
Speaker:•You sometimes don’t know what you really think or feel
Speaker:•You tend to blame others for bad things that happen
Speaker:•You don’t generally feel in control of situations, or your life generally
Speaker:Nonverbally, passive communicators tend to speak quietly and adopt a small, submissive
Speaker:posture, or else fidget nervously or avoid eye contact.
Speaker:The irony is that a passive communicator does not achieve the result they want with this
Speaker:behavior.
Speaker:Other people can feel frustrated, guilty, exasperated, or annoyed with you, or else
Speaker:they may see the passivity as an invitation to take advantage.
Speaker:On the other hand, a passive communicator can leave others feeling unwilling to help
Speaker:anymore since their efforts are often met with a passive, defeatist attitude that lacks
Speaker:energy and autonomy.
Speaker:The Aggressive Communicator
Speaker:Where the passive communicator expresses too little of their needs and wants, the aggressive
Speaker:communicator goes too far in the other direction.
Speaker:They know what they want, and they will be as demanding, intimidating, and even hostile
Speaker:as they need to be to get it.
Speaker:From this point of view, communication is a war, and the aggressive communicator is
Speaker:one who intends to win and beat down their opponent.
Speaker:This can be that office bully who is always loud, threatening, and abrasive, but it doesn’t
Speaker:always have to be as blatant as this.
Speaker:Sometimes, the one person in a family or friend group whom everyone is most afraid of is the
Speaker:one who is simply ruthless and unpredictable.
Speaker:An aggressive communicator might literally yell and scream, saying “Don’t be stupid!”
Speaker:or scoffing loudly at what you say, but they can also be aggressive in their body language
Speaker:or actions:
Speaker:•Sharp, sudden, or “big” gestures
Speaker:•Hogging space
Speaker:•Towering over others
Speaker:•Scowling, glaring, frowning
Speaker:•Invading people’s personal space
Again, the result is ironic:Most people might comply with an aggressive communicator, at
Again, the result is ironic:least at first, but they quickly can grow defensive, uncooperative, and resentful.
Again, the result is ironic:Nobody likes to be humiliated or hurt, and so the result is often less respect but more
Again, the result is ironic:defensiveness and pushback—the last thing an aggressive communicator actually wants.
Again, the result is ironic:The Passive-Aggressive Communicator
Again, the result is ironic:We all know someone like this!
Again, the result is ironic:This style of communication is as aggressive as the previous one, only it’s covert, i.e.,
Again, the result is ironic:hidden and indirect.
Again, the result is ironic:Things are not what they seem on the surface.
Again, the result is ironic:Someone who communicates this way may feel angry but powerless to act in direct or ordinary
Again, the result is ironic:ways—so they attempt to meet their needs and make themselves known passively instead.
Again, the result is ironic:They may use heaps of sarcasm, they may complain bitterly and make a nuisance of themselves
Again, the result is ironic:(without doing a thing to help themselves), or they may sulk until someone is forced to
Again, the result is ironic:do something about it.
Again, the result is ironic:Otherwise, they may gossip, issue false apologies, or give compliments that are actually insults
Again, the result is ironic:in disguise.
Again, the result is ironic:They may engage in “malicious compliance” (“I will give the appearance of cooperation
Again, the result is ironic:but actually not be compliant at all”) or be difficult or unreliable instead of saying
Again, the result is ironic:outright that they don’t want to do something.
Again, the result is ironic:There is a devious, almost two-faced feeling to this type of communication that leaves
Again, the result is ironic:other people feeling manipulated, exhausted, or confused.
Again, the result is ironic:Imagine our two friends are out for a drink, and the passive one says, “Oh, you can choose
Again, the result is ironic:a place.
Again, the result is ironic:I don’t mind."
Again, the result is ironic:Let’s say the other one has a passive-aggressive communication style, and although they resent
Again, the result is ironic:being forced to make decisions all the time, they don’t feel able to come out and say
Again, the result is ironic:that directly.
Again, the result is ironic:So instead, they say, “Oh no, I understand.
Again, the result is ironic:How could I forget that it’s always my job to sort these things out, right?"
Again, the result is ironic:As they deliver with a sugary-sweet smile, there is plausible deniability in this, and
Again, the result is ironic:when the other friend responds to the hidden aggression in it, the first one can act hurt
and confused:“Calm down ... It was just a joke!"
and confused:If pushed, the passive-aggressive friend may then apologize, but it will be an “apology”
with a sting in the tail:“Sheesh, I said I’m sorry.
with a sting in the tail:Forgive me for not being perfect all the time ... ”
with a sting in the tail:The Manipulative Communicator
with a sting in the tail:The above style has some overlap with one more style, that of the manipulative communicator.
with a sting in the tail:This is the person who uses cunning and fakery to get what they want.
with a sting in the tail:Manipulation is essentially an attempt to control other people and have them do, say,
with a sting in the tail:and think as you’d like them to.
with a sting in the tail:While the passive-aggressive communicator can hurt others indirectly in an attempt to
with a sting in the tail:express their needs without really expressing them, the manipulator is characterized by
with a sting in the tail:their ability to see others as tools, i.e., a means to an end.
with a sting in the tail:So, a manipulative communication will cry “crocodile tears” in order to make the
with a sting in the tail:other person feel sorry for them (instead of, for comparison, simply sharing their genuine
with a sting in the tail:experience and the other person responding with genuine, uncoerced empathy!).
with a sting in the tail:They may “ask without asking” or use emotional levers such as guilt and obligation to position
with a sting in the tail:people in ways that suit them.
with a sting in the tail:A manipulative communicator might see someone enjoying their lunch at work and say, seemingly
with a sting in the tail:to no one in particular in a high-pitched, condescending voice, “Oh, that looks delicious.
with a sting in the tail:Aren’t you lucky?
with a sting in the tail:I wish I could eat such fancy stuff like that for lunch every day.
with a sting in the tail:Oh well."
with a sting in the tail:If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone “fishing for compliments,”
with a sting in the tail:then know that this is another form of trying to control others—in these examples trying
with a sting in the tail:to force someone to give you a compliment.
with a sting in the tail:Manipulative communication can sometimes “work,” but more often than not it is rightly perceived
with a sting in the tail:by others as artificial, condescending, and untrustworthy.
with a sting in the tail:If outright tricks and lies are used, the communication style can fail badly and the
with a sting in the tail:person not only fails to get what they want, but they shut off potential genuine avenues
with a sting in the tail:of connection and understanding—shooting themselves in the foot, basically.
with a sting in the tail:Now, in reading about these four communication styles, you can probably see that you’ve
with a sting in the tail:been guilty of all of them at least at some point in your life.
with a sting in the tail:You can also probably see that they overlap one another and that the tactics in each style
with a sting in the tail:can vary in intensity.
with a sting in the tail:Few people use any single type exclusively in their communication, but it is worth asking
with a sting in the tail:honestly about patterns that you observe in yourself.
with a sting in the tail:There are countless shades and nuances possible when we think about how not to communicate.
with a sting in the tail:Ultimately, though, there’s one thing to keep in mind: None of them really WORK.
with a sting in the tail:In other words, the above four communication styles are “bad” not because they use
with a sting in the tail:lies, passivity, or force, but rather because they don’t achieve the main goal of communication.
with a sting in the tail:Why do people communicate?
with a sting in the tail:There are only a few primary reasons:
with a sting in the tail:•To get our needs met
with a sting in the tail:•To share our experience and express who we are
with a sting in the tail:•To solve problems
with a sting in the tail:•To connect with another human being
with a sting in the tail:The above communication styles are actually attempts to meet some or all of these goals.
with a sting in the tail:Usually, however, they achieve the exact opposite result.
with a sting in the tail:While it can be fun to identify annoying communication patterns in others, there is more to be gained
with a sting in the tail:by honestly asking where we ourselves fall short of ideal communication patterns.
with a sting in the tail:Do we have a tendency to be aggressive, passive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative?
with a sting in the tail:Or even all four?
with a sting in the tail:It helps to be aware of maladaptive communication strategies, but let’s also look at how we
with a sting in the tail:can best communicate, i.e., how we can meet our needs, express ourselves, and solve problems
with a sting in the tail:in a way that actually works.
with a sting in the tail:The Assertive Communicator
with a sting in the tail:This is a healthy, balanced, and conscious way of communicating.
with a sting in the tail:It’s the ability to express needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings in a direct and assertive
with a sting in the tail:way without ever disrespecting or controlling the way others think or feel, controlling
with a sting in the tail:what they do, or undermining what they need.
with a sting in the tail:This is the communication style that comes from a healthy self-esteem paired with a healthy
with a sting in the tail:sense of respect and compassion for others.
with a sting in the tail:In non-verbal expression, such people are self-controlled, balanced, relaxed, open,
with a sting in the tail:and respectful—and that means respect for themselves and others.
with a sting in the tail:Because of this, other people trust and like them, and if they don’t, at the very least
with a sting in the tail:they know where they stand.
with a sting in the tail:People do not feel obliged to take care of them or forced to do things they don’t want
with a sting in the tail:to in order to appease them.
with a sting in the tail:In the company of a person who communicates this way, things are clear, direct, mature,
with a sting in the tail:respectful, and relaxed no matter the kind of conversation unfolding.
with a sting in the tail:They can say, “You know what, to be honest, I don’t really feel like going out drinking
with a sting in the tail:tonight.
with a sting in the tail:I’m in the mood to just get some takeout and relax at home.
with a sting in the tail:What do you think?
with a sting in the tail:We could still pick up a couple of beers ... ”
with a sting in the tail:They can express their needs or desires clearly, directly, and politely (“Oh, wow, that looks
with a sting in the tail:amazing!
with a sting in the tail:Would you mind if I had a tiny taste?”) and simply don’t need to control others
with a sting in the tail:or get them to take care of them (for example, no fishing for compliments needed because
with a sting in the tail:you are happy and confident with your choices and don’t need external validation for them).
with a sting in the tail:Finally, assertive communicators are flexible and can set healthy boundaries when necessary,
with a sting in the tail:but they can also be open, trusting, and vulnerable at other times.
with a sting in the tail:The first thing to realize is that certain communication styles are simply not effective
with a sting in the tail:and will not get you the results you want.
with a sting in the tail:How you communicate is a choice.
with a sting in the tail:You can make the best choice when you consciously understand what you’re doing and why it’s
with a sting in the tail:not working ... so you can choose something that will work.
with a sting in the tail:Every endeavor to improve must begin with a level of self-awareness.
with a sting in the tail:There is no shame or blame in identifying the current limits and blind spots in your
with a sting in the tail:own communication style.
with a sting in the tail:The quality of our relationships with others comes down to the quality of our communication.
with a sting in the tail:And guess what?
with a sting in the tail:The quality of our communication comes down one hundred percent to us and what we consciously
with a sting in the tail:choose for ourselves.
with a sting in the tail:For now, be curious about what isn’t working for you communication-wise.
with a sting in the tail:Think back to conflicts or communication breakdowns in the past and see if you can identify some
with a sting in the tail:of these less-than-helpful styles in yourself, the other person ... or both.
with a sting in the tail:Before we continue, consider the attitude that inspires a healthy and assertive communication
with a sting in the tail:style.
with a sting in the tail:Read the following sentiments.
with a sting in the tail:Do any seem particularly alien to you or difficult to agree with?
with a sting in the tail:This might be a clue to the aspects of assertive communication you could develop in yourself:
with a sting in the tail:“All people are equally entitled to express themselves as long as they’re respectful.”
with a sting in the tail:“I’m confident in who I am, and I like myself."
with a sting in the tail:“I have choices.”
with a sting in the tail:“I take responsibility for getting my needs met."
with a sting in the tail:“I am comfortable speaking honestly and clearly.”
with a sting in the tail:“I am calm, positive, and measured when dealing with others.”
with a sting in the tail:“I don’t need to or want to control others—I am more interested in self-mastery.”
with a sting in the tail:“I like to seek compromise and balance.”
with a sting in the tail:“I value my rights immensely.
with a sting in the tail:I also wouldn’t dream of infringing on someone else’s rights."
with a sting in the tail:“Nobody owes me anything."
with a sting in the tail:In the interest of increasing self-awareness, ask yourself the following questions:
with a sting in the tail:What is my main style of communication?
with a sting in the tail:What aspect of assertive communication do I find most difficult?
with a sting in the tail:What would I most like to improve about the way
