Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this episode, Robb and Tina delve into the complexities of cheating in relationships, exploring the reasons behind infidelity, the importance of communication, and the need for accountability. They discuss how loneliness and unmet emotional needs can lead to cheating and emphasize the significance of trust and reassurance in maintaining healthy relationships. The conversation also touches on the impact of societal labels on personal behavior and the necessity of playfulness in relationships to keep the connection alive. Ultimately, they advocate for open communication and understanding as key components to prevent infidelity and foster stronger partnerships.

Explicit

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This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Fisted. I am Rob along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm doing alright, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but I'm doing alright.

Yes, you're not alone. You're not alone. Yeah, always seems like it's it's not one thing. It's another. And that's basically how life is always going to be. And I think that's we're going to.

No, I think that's life again these days.

Mm -hmm.

It's okay, the alternative is not fun. So I will, I was not complaining, I just do that a lot. I realize that I push my agenda to the limits. Like I try to fit everything in, I don't try to say no. And I'm going, why the hell am I doing that? Because nobody else expects me to be like that, it's just me. So I'm having these realizations that I need to get my head out of my ass and start doing things just a little bit differently.

Hmm.

Awesome. Well, that's always a plus. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. That is very correct. Very, very true. Alrighty. So we, as always, do our ideas and shows on the fly, because that's always a good thing to do. But this one, I think, is probably across the board, easy to talk to and talk about because it's always around.

Yeah, I'll have to talk about that one day.

and no matter what you do. So we're going to talk about cheating in a relationship and either kind of every way about this being either the one who did or the one who got cheated on and how we justify some of those things and how we don't justify some of those things. think that it is definitely a

Mmm.

subject for everybody because I think everyone at some point has either been on one side, yeah, on one side of that equation because obviously it's prevalent and probably a lot more now because it's just easier to scroll and find someone. know, probably not as easy

cheated on or cheating.

Mm -hmm.

as you know, wasn't easy before. I I think yes and no.

Well, you weren't as accessible to as many people as we are now. Yeah.

We are now. For sure. Well, and I think the other flip side of that is it could have been easier not to because we didn't have a phone in our pocket. Right. But we also weren't weren't easily reached. So I guess it's probably very similar, but I just think it's much easier to to find someone now. You know, dating apps are are

Yeah, strap to our ass.

Mm

the thing and not that they're, although I did read something or see something yesterday that the dating apps are like at an all time low, like they're losing their ass when it comes to, yeah, I'll have to, I think it's just people don't believe in them now. So their stock is like dropping like flies. So.

Really? Did they say what the reason is or?

Wow.

And if you can believe this, there's really only two companies. There's Bumble, which is their own company, and then there's a subsidiary company that owns everyone else. Like every single app you can think of, they own. It's one big company. Yeah, it's kind of interesting. So let's go down the line of like, obviously, cheating is prevalent. There's no doubt about it. I think...

Really?

I don't wanna say less or more, you know, comparative to years. don't know if there's any statistics that it's more prevalent now than it was in the, you know, early 2000s, the 90s, the 80s. I don't know that, but it is prevalent now. We talked about it before, like, I think we've both, we've been on both sides of that. I've been the one who was the other person.

And I've also been the one who got cheated on but didn't know for sure for a very, very, very long time. So yeah, so I think by the time I found out, I wasn't as hurt. It was eight years later. So for me,

after the end of the relationship.

Correct. found out and I kind of put two and two together about

month or two after it kind of ended just because someone someone had come up to me and goes, Hey, you know, we're meeting in this mall and they're with somebody now. I was like, okay. So that the relationship kicked off pretty fast, but, you know, here's the thing. It's the

That one happened to me, you know, during my marriage. And I think that there was bigger problems much, much more before that. Being part of the one that I was part of, I think also had, there's so many stories behind that one. you know, the person, she was in a relationship that I would say wasn't the greatest. And

she was with somebody who she was with a woman and not a lesbian and there was issues with that and there's a lot of like much larger story to it and and i don't condone it like i i know now you know many years later like i was in the wrong and i probably hurt a lot of people because of it so definitely not proud of what i did but you know there's

there's a, there's sometimes there's bigger stories behind it. Not that it makes it right, but there are larger stories.

And I think that's what people do now is they justify their behavior because of the backstory or they find a reason for it to be okay. And I'm not saying you personally, I'm just saying that in these situations, people find a way to make it okay so that they can live with what they're doing, knowing that there's repercussions. But I think that, I was trying to look at the big picture, like why do people cheat?

And I've come up with the only answer I could come up with, and that is loneliness. It means that their relationships aren't working that they're in, or they're not in one, and they want to be with somebody that's got something more than they do. And there's 100 different reasons, but I think the core is loneliness. It's not being able to find that ultimate relationship where you can't live without each other.

And that's the problem, I think, in society today is that we're so superficial, we don't give people a chance to make that connection. Because everybody's got too many choices and too little time, so they're just packing them in.

Yeah, you know, and I think, look, there's, and again, I don't want to justify anything, but I've had several people who have stayed in relationships for the wrong reasons. And it's hard, like financial reasons, people, like I have a coworker that I used to work with and she stayed with her husband that was not the best.

Mm -hmm.

for years and years and years. And look, they had an off and on.

way of doing things. They both partied way too much, so they were codependent on each other. So when they were under the influence, it was great. And then every other time it wasn't. And then they would start drinking too much and then they would fight each other, you know, and like she went to jail and he went to jail and like there's a lot of like weird things, but

That sounds like a party, oof.

and it was, yeah, it was very, very hard. And then, you know, I've looked at other people that, know, the same thing, like alcohol is alcohol and drugs are, are a bad way, but you know, you become codependent on each other and then. You know, people feel bad, but they're doing something that they're doing. I think you're right. think loneliness or.

lack of what you're getting out of your relationship. Right? So, you know, and you can emotionally cheat. Don't get me wrong. Like, I think a lot of people do that, where it might not ever be physical, but it's an emotional thing that would probably lead to physical if it ever would get to that. Like, I think that there is something to that. But I think emotional relationships for sure. think

because we are missing something or we're lonely or that person's giving us something that our mate isn't and they're not ever going to. So you're continuously pushing towards that. So look, I get it. And I hate to say that, but because I wanna be in a relationship with somebody and I would love to like have that. But I also think that...

A lot that comes with that is that people aren't communicating anymore. People just shut down.

Mm -hmm Well, everybody's got a label for everything so no matter what you're feeling they got a label that justifies their bullshit and why you're wrong and I think that we got to quit that too like narcissists and and Bread crumbing and all these fucking terms, you know what that is That's a person just being going through their day and doing their thing Everybody's got issues. Everybody's got problems. But now that there's a label we could throw at somebody

Nobody wants to be in a position of being vulnerable because they're going to be blamed. And we need to stop that.

Yeah, I mean, look, I do agree with that. I think that there are, but here's the problem. I think that there's probably a lot more things out there that are true. Look, people do breadcrumb and there's no doubt about it. I think you also have to both understand what's going on. I think a lot of people understand both sides of that and they're in whatever they're doing because it...

I wasn't saying like any one label. It's just there's a thousand things that they could say about a person to make them wrong in the relationship.

well, yeah, that's very true for sure. But I.

And I'm like, really, what happened to the days where, I remember when my mom and dad were not getting along, my mom's friends would say, so how's it going? And my mom would just say, he's an asshole. And everybody was like, okay, typical man, typical husband behavior is what that translated to me. But now it's like, well, he's doing this and he's that. And there's all these, these.

diagnosis for people's bad behavior instead of saying no quit being an asshole quit doing what you're doing because that's not how you're supposed to be like we've gotten to a place where people aren't accountable so it makes sense that they would not stay faithful in a relationship

Yes, but I also think that there's so many people, and again, narcissism is a, look, we're all a little bit narcissistic to some degree.

we should be or else we wouldn't be able to live in this world.

But there are people who show narcissism on a clinical level that just hit every single thing.

Right, but this shouldn't be their mate diagnosing this.

No, but you're right, but some of these people will never ever go to therapy or because they don't think they're doing wrong. So, like there's people who have lack of empathy that just have no empathy built into them. And I think that we all are looking for the right mate.

I think that's why people end up cheating because you're, you may be in a relationship that has absolutely no empathy, no sympathy, no intimacy, and then someone shows you all those. I do it.

That's right there is not a relationship. You know what I mean? Why would you be in that if you're wanting to be in a relationship?

because maybe you've already got in so deep and then now they're showing you these things. Look, people wear masks from the very beginning, a lot of the time. So you end up finding someone who now fills the space that they're not doing. So of course you're going to go down that road.

The problem is that you never end up leaving the relationship you're in.

I don't think that's a relationship though. That's a situation that you need to get out of, period. And see, that's the thing. Instead of like going around the problem and trying to live with the problem and trying to help the problem or, you know, put a stamp on their bullshit, get out of the problem. That's the only thing you should be doing. And there's no excuse. Money is not an excuse. Time is not an excuse. Kids aren't an excuse.

for sure.

Nothing is an excuse. If you want to have a good family and you're putting your all in it and things are not going right and the person that you're with is not helping that and there is nothing that's changing no matter how much you try, you got to look at that and say, you know, enough is enough. You don't need to go out and cheat. You don't need to go out and find something else because that only creates a bigger problem.

Well, if you're not going to leave, why do you want another person? If you're not going to fix things, then why are you out gallivanting around? Like, get out of what you need to get out of and live a life that is more meaningful. And I was to blame for that. I stayed way longer than I probably should have. We weren't in the same place, and we weren't mean to each other. There was nothing like that. But we weren't...

for sure.

exactly watching out for each other's heart. And I think that when you have a partner, you need to watch out for their heart 24 -7. You always need to have in your mind that that is your responsibility. That is your job before anything else.

Right.

I think, look, how can I say it without? There's, you should, yes, you should have your mate's heart. Look, I'd rather break their heart and get out of it than, and look, to me it's like this. If I'm with somebody and they're contemplating cheating, I'd rather have them come to me before it ever happens and say, look, I can't do this anymore.

and that's the responsible thing to do.

because at least that's yeah because then that at least you're getting hurt for the reason of saying hey I you know I haven't done anything but this is where my I'm feeling

because it's hard enough to go through that thing. I got sent a video the other day. I'd have to, I don't know if I have it still, but it was very kind of good idea about how men will ruin their own relationship and that we, you know.

our own insecurities will do it and I think that it's a very true thing. I'd have to send it to you so you can see it but it's like we ruin our own shit all of us do with insecurities and if you if you're with somebody that you don't trust from the very beginning then it doesn't matter you know you're you can't send your your girlfriend out for a night with her friends if you don't trust her.

then you're just gonna ruin your own thing, because the whole time you're thinking, what's she doing? Is she with this guy? Blah, blah. The cheating part happens when there's nothing left in the relationship though. I don't think people just go out and cheat. That's not generally what happens. Can it happen? Sure. Alcohol is hell of a drug. You can go out and get drunk and the next thing you know, you're kissing somebody in a bar.

but if you, if you have that kind of tendency in you, you shouldn't be going out with your friends and getting drunk. Like most of us know that, like, you know, if that's your thing, don't put yourself in that situation. Don't go out, stop doing that because what's going to end up happening is you're going to find yourself with way too much booze in you. And you're doing something that you're not even doing for.

Mm -hmm.

the reason of like getting anything out of it. It's just you're doing it. And then look, I've seen people do it. Like there's booze that'll make people do dumb shit. But the real cheating I think happens because of you're missing something in your life. And before you ever get to even chasing somebody else, you have to be able to communicate with your mate and say,

I am not happy and then see if you can fix it way before that.

Yeah, see, I don't agree with the alcohol thing. I've been pissed drunk too many times and have never not known what I was doing. And I don't use, I don't, that's bullshit. Like everybody knows when they're drinking what they're doing. And if they're blacking out, they wouldn't be doing anything because they're blacked out. So I have an issue with people using alcohol as a...

an excuse. just don't, I don't get it. And I don't accept it.

I just think people can get very friendly with alcohol and I've seen it in front of me. Like I've had a friend who years ago, and I'm talking many, many years, I was married actually, get very drunk and start hitting on me to where I had to step back and go, now.

And I don't think there were any feelings there. There was just super duper intoxicated. Not blackout, but very close. But I've also been around people like I can drink and I may say something, but I know what I'm doing. If I act on it, it's because I know exactly what I'm doing, no matter how.

Mm -hmm.

But I don't get to that thing, but I'm talking a good buzz. So if I'm doing it, I know what I'm doing. I'm not kissing you because...

Everybody knows what they're doing. That's the point I'm saying. I'm like, don't give me bullshit. Because see, a lot of women will say, well, I didn't. I'm like, come on. You totally knew. Well, I knew this. I knew that. Yeah, you knew. Don't lie. See, that's the problem is like, women will say things to men. men will believe them for the most part. And I'm like, no, no, no. I do your hair. You're an asshole. Just take it for what it is and own it. Just own what you're saying.

Yeah, because I think it

Lying to me while I'm doing your hair just makes me want to mess it up.

Right, I think that what you're saying is that, like, you're not going to go out and do something with somebody that you have no feelings for. I think it's an uninhibitor. If you're with somebody that you like, you may be more apt to do something, right? Or you're more apt to say something or, you know, go down that road.

I believe that we all know what we're doing. I don't think that it's not that, because I've done it not too long ago, and I was very buzzed. And I ended up kissing somebody, but I knew what I was doing. As matter of fact, I was going to whisper in her ear that I wanted to kiss her, and it just went down that route. We kissed later on again.

And I think and I knew exactly what I was doing it wasn't like I was like, I'm I'm buzzed and I'm just gonna do this. No, I knew what I was doing. I I wanted to kiss them and that's what I did so This person is not in a relationship so to get out it's not even on the route of cheating but I think look we Cheating it has become easier

Mm -hmm.

but I think it's also becoming the biggest breakup point for anyone. And I'm talking about divorce, anything, that most of the divorces are unfortunately started by women. About 74 % are all started by women. So down that road, women cheat too. think, but...

statistically, at least what I've seen on a few other pods or videos, men cheat more though, by a lot.

But I think.

Well, I think that it's a sign of the times though the way that women treat men They can't possibly survive With staying with one person like I hear from him. he's such a jerk. He's such a this He's such a that I'm like when was the last time you told him he did anything good When was the last time you said thank you for thank you for helping when was the last time you said hey? You know

You look sexy putting those dishes in the dishwasher. You best believe when I have a man around, they know that I see them, that I'm encouraging them, that I'm loving them through whatever they're doing. I do that. And I make it so blatantly obvious that they just laugh at me. But I do that because if we don't build up each other, especially if women aren't building up men, if we're knocking them at the knees, they're going to be that tall. They're not going to be

Mm

They're not going to be anything more than what we make them. And I think that as a society, we treat men like they're less than. So it makes sense that they would go from one to the next. They got to get their needs met somehow. And if they're not getting them met at home, they'll get met somewhere. And that's the same for women, though.

Correct. Reassurance on both sides is everything. If you're not reassuring your mate, they're gonna have issues. Most men, I think, cheat for the satisfaction of just sex. Women cheat for emotion reasons. Because...

Mm -hmm.

Yep.

But I think men cheat for emotional reasons too.

I, for sure, but I don't think that, I think it's because they're not getting whatever they're looking for at home. So they go outside their marriage to just have sex and then come back because they probably still do love their mate.

I think when women cheat, they're already done. They've checked out emotionally. The person they're cheating with is giving them the emotional stability they're looking for. And sure, sex is part of that, but I think it's also intimacy. You're looking for that.

that fill of someone holding you, someone actually giving a shit about you. Men, I think, are just doing it because they're getting their socks knocked, and then after that, it has nothing to do with that. They go right back home, and they're right back in their life. So, and again, I'm just going by like statistics or what people have answered in the past in some kind of...

questionnaire.

get it. I am I've been on both sides of the the situation. I've been cheated on several times several times and it's funny thing is they've all come back and said wow you treated me better than anybody I've ever been with and I'm like that's good. I'm glad I did and I don't know what you want me to tell you now because it's not ever gonna happen again. You know I'm not I don't want to go back and do that again but

Thank you for telling me I did a good job and I was doing my part, you the best that I knew how. And then, and then I did cheat. And for me, for me, it was, it was, it was a loneliness. I was really freaking lonely. And, and in times where things were really bad in my life, my, my partner couldn't be there for me emotionally. And

anybody that knows me is I am such an emotional being. Like even though I'm not whacking out like my friends do and go and berserk, like I'll hold it together for the most part, probably more than most, but inside it doesn't matter. Inside I could be a total mess and, and the energy that I push out of me, my mates have always known how I felt even though I couldn't say anything, but

Very few were able to master the being supportive, the emotionally supportive person, you know, I think for men, anytime a woman gets wait, you know, when she's losing her shit, all men want to do is run. And I don't blame them. They should like women could be pretty crazy. But at the same time, it had I had I had somebody just say, I got you.

and hug me and hug me till I felt like they got me. I think I would have done much better and I wouldn't have had those those feelings of loneliness. Now I've been told I've been told that that I'm too needy and then I've been told that they wish that I was needy in any aspect. So I've been on both sides of the of the the picture. So I don't really know.

spectrum.

what is, which way works better, I don't know. just, was however I was feeling at the time and needed something I wasn't getting. And if you go, for me, going through that for a very long period of time, I just couldn't make it work anymore. I couldn't keep it together. The loneliness was exhausting and it was, it was.

Right.

I don't know, I think it made me less of a less I felt I had less.

felt less of a woman when I wasn't getting my needs met. I still needed to make sure everything was done and I had everything together and that I was doing my part as a partner. But then I felt like the part that was supposed to film me wasn't there. And it stayed there for a long time, which in fact did make me cheat. Not make me, because I really want to stop this like blaming other things and other people.

Mm

It because of that I cheated. I'm say it that way. So

Sure.

But I, but you know, the funny thing was I did say, don't you miss your, your, your freedom? Don't you, don't you want that? Like, we've been doing this a long time. Don't you miss that? Don't you, you know, I, I was saying things. I talked and said a few times that I wanted to break up and, for whatever reason, didn't do it. Like thinking things could be better, wanting things desperately to be better was part of it.

But I think it was a lack of having my shit together to be able to go on my own. Like I was still, would still be dependent on my partner for financial reasons instead of just saying, you know, fuck it, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna make sure I have my shit together.

Life where you can't have your shit together. You know, for whatever reason, I think that you should have your shit together enough that you should be able to take care of yourself whether you have a partner or not. But at the stage in my life that I did it, I did not have my shit together enough. And that made me stay when maybe I should have left earlier.

Maybe I should have cut us both loose and said, it could have been, you know, it was nice. I love you to pieces, but I don't want to do this anymore. I didn't do that. And I should have. And the look. when, when I went, it is the hard part, but you know what? That's the, that's the humane way to be with a partner. You know, I remember the look on his face when he found out and he confronted me. And to this day,

Mm

Mm

I mean, I think that's the hard part.

Mm

That killed me. It killed me. I couldn't fix his broken heart. You know what mean? And that's what I was supposed to be accountable for was his heart. And I hurt him deeply. so for me, as much as I had been cheated on and known that everybody survives it, I mean, everybody moves on, you know, it happens.

Mm

I didn't like being responsible for that look on his face. That, that to me stuck. And it does, it's definitely the driving force to where to this day I will not do that again. You know, if I make a commitment to somebody, that commitment is going to be the commitment and I'm going to walk the way that I've always walked before I did this and try to make things work because I do want to have a really mature

Mm

a really healthy, a really balanced relationship. I do want to trust my partner. I do want to love intensely. There's a lot of good by just having that. Now, I don't want to get married again. I could tell you, I don't need that. I don't need that. If somebody's coming home to me every day and they're dedicated to us just as I would be, I don't need that piece of paper, nor do I need the metal around my finger.

I just need that person to be my person and do as they expect me to do. And that's it.

Right. The flip side, I want to get married again. I would, I would definitely do it again. But I also believe that, you know, I, I've also been divorced a very long time. And I think, I think my views have changed. Look, is it going to be difficult to do that? Sure. And

You're crazy.

but I believe that if I'm finding the right one, I'll do it again. And I would do it without a care in the world. But I definitely think it's like dating. I talked to somebody the other day about dating, but that's what I'm gonna date for. I don't wanna date for fun. I'm past that. I wanna date for a relationship.

Hmm.

I'm not saying that either. I do want to date for fun. I do want to date somebody who is fun, but I also I want a life partner that will stay with me. But definitely doesn't have to be married.

that's different.

Yes.

Yeah, but it's like to me, I think that that's the ultimate commitment. But again, I think we're also in two different places. You haven't been divorced very long, or that's just the way you feel. I think the thing with being the other person in the cheating part, the hardest part of that is if you fall for them.

and and kind of realize that

As that's going, you know, you're pushing like, Hey, I'm the one. And all you have heard the whole time is, you know, I'm, I'm in this still it's one day at a time and let's see what happens. That's the hard part. Because if you're falling for somebody and then you, you want it to change and it never changes. That's the hardest part, at least to me being the person on the other side of it. And you're going, Hey,

Like, you know, I know you're not happy, but and this, but and look, there's there's always circumstances. I don't want to say that that, you know, I don't want to blame anyone. You know, she stayed for whatever her reason was. And and and later on, you know, the funny thing, if you look at it from the point of view, she ended up getting out of that relationship and getting in relationship with a guy. And I went my other way. And, know, we're friends.

to this day, she's single again and look, I would love to go down that road, but it's also things that have to be done correctly if that's gonna happen. But it sucked being, and.

I would say that I was in love with her then. Looking back on it, I was in like I and I like her now. I even said something to her one day that if if this was ever to happen, like I would have to fall in love with you because I don't think I was in super infatuated and I we have a good time together and there's a lot of good things about it. But I wasn't like with her and I'm in like with her now. But it did suck to have like very strong feelings and like.

always feeling that you, you know, you were, you were helping this whatever hole I was feeling, like this emotional gap. But I was never picked. It was like, you know, it's like being the, know, always a bridemaid, never the bride. But I think that, you know, going forward, you know, look.

Mm -hmm.

You have to have full trust in somebody. You have to be willing to get your heart broken to be in a relationship. At least that's how I feel. If you're not, then look, I would go with this person tomorrow and have no issue saying that she wasn't gonna cheat, even though she did. But I also believe that there's communication skills and if you believe the person,

you're going to try. Now, I think you're also going to get out of things much quicker. Like the first sign of anything, you're just going to go, got to go.

and be done, which I think is also not a bad thing. Like, some things just aren't meant to be and some are, and if they are, they're going to happen. You know, I'm not a very religious person, but I do believe that God puts you on the path of who you're supposed to be with. if you're supposed to, you're going to, and if you're not, you're not. Those are just part of the things that happen. I've never cheated on a mate, ever.

I've been the second to other relationships more than once and I won't go down that road again. So if the person I like got into another relationship, I will walk away because I don't want to be in that. That's it is not a good feeling to for one, I would do it for her and I would also do it for the guy she's with. When my friend got into this relationship with a guy, I disappeared. I didn't talk to her for two and a half years.

Mm -hmm.

I don't want to be that person again. And if you're not being picked, that's just part of it and you move on and that's okay. But it sucks to be the person on the other side and it sucks to be cheated on. It does. That's just, now, thankfully I didn't know about it.

Mm -hmm.

You know, my eight years later, I kind of shook my head when they told me for sure that that's what happened. And I went, yeah, I kind of thought that, no one ever told me. You also find out years later that a lot of people knew and they never said anything to you. And that's also kind of shitty.

kind of devastating, yeah. I had, the very first time I was cheated on was definitely the worst. And come to find out he had cheated with my cousin and my cousin flew him out there to visit her for the weekend and they were messing around that weekend. And...

Yeah, mean, happens.

wow.

The devastation that I felt because I was in love, you know, your first loves are crazy, intense. then and then to find out that my cousin was a part of that, that was like a that was like a double. I don't know, that was like. Yeah, it was a double whammy for sure. And that that feeling stuck with me forever, like I could I could go right back to that.

Mm -hmm. Yeah, they are.

Double whammy.

Yeah.

moment when I found out and I found out that it was with her a couple years later and when I found out that that memory is never going to leave my my DNA it's in there like it was devastating.

But then, like, as you get older and you've been through a few things and you look at life differently, it gets to the point where you can live through it, you know, and it's not devastating and you see the signs and you should be looking for the signs all along. You should be looking to the person that you're with and know that there's no question that they're there with you. And if you're seeing signs, you need to address that and just be honest and talk about it.

I saw something on TikTok, because I had to download it for people who send me things. But I thought there was something that was very prominent that kind of shook me pretty good, is that you have to continue to date your person. I told somebody today that I thought,

Mm

The whole thing is to never let the honeymoon stage go away. And I'm kind of a, I'm a hopeless romantic. So the person I like, think maybe a little,

flabbergasted by me, because like, I'm probably going to grab you from behind when you're cooking. I'm gonna wanna dance in the kitchen for no fucking reason. I'm gonna, you know, pick you up and walk around the house with you in the air. I'm gonna, well, I'm goofy. And I like that kind of thing. And...

To me, that's still the honeymoon stage. You have to continue to do that. If you continue to communicate and make sure that you're dating, even if you're married, and if you continue the honeymoon stage, regardless of how stupid it is to the person that's cooking, like, I'm cooking right now. It doesn't fucking matter. Turn the fucking heat off and I'm gonna dance with you.

These are the things that'll keep your relationship much more open and communicative. And you're still going, you're not gonna have to worry about intimacy.

But you can't do that if you can't do that if the person that you're with isn't that type of person. You want to find somebody that you could play with, like play, have that type of interaction, be with somebody who, who isn't always like, I got to do this or I got to do that. Cause that just, I was in that type of relationship where I got it. Well, I got this or I got that. And you know what? I don't, I don't want to be in that anymore. Cause

Correct.

Mm

If you can't stop and play, not saying I'd never get your work done. That's not what I'm saying. You should always try to get everything that you need to accomplish done. But if you can't stop in the middle of something and play, then that's the wrong type of person for you. Because you need that. You know, I used to tell my ex that we had our kitchen remodeled and I'd say, pull my pants down and just...

Correct.

Mm

If you.

have sex with me, I don't care if I'm cooking or what I'm doing." And he's like, no, because you'll tell me no, you'll shut me down. And for four years, I said the same thing. And in four years, you think he would just have said, OK, I'll try it, just to prove that I'm right. He in his mind already had it right, but he had no proof. He didn't give me a chance. And that became a thorn in my side that I just

Right.

I couldn't get over that. Just couldn't. I was like, why can't you do that for me, with me? You know?

Mm

So, you have, but some people are just not meant to be like that. And if they're not meant to be like that, that's not gonna be fun for you.

Yeah, you're correct. You have to be with somebody who's going to understand that if you can't give up five minutes for playtime, then you're going to end up not having the person that you wanna be with. It's a two -way street too. I do believe too that there is times where you have to be serious. Like there just is.

Mm -hmm.

And if your mate goes, it's serious time, you also have to be able to stand back and go, yeah, you're right, it is. It's a two -way street on both sides of that. Like if you have people coming over and you're trying to clean the house, you probably shouldn't fuck around. But if you're, you know, if you come home from work, come sit on my lap for five minutes. Yeah.

That's when I want to do it.

No, I agree. No, look, like you're saying, it's both sides of that. I think you have to be with the type of person. But I also think you have to be with the type of person that when you get home, every blue moon, it's like, come over here and sit down for five minutes and we can talk for five minutes before we get up and cook and get up and do this and get up and do that. You have to be able to show that intimacy so you don't lead them out the door to someone else.

Mm

this is where communication comes in. Or look, I was watching somebody where they said they started couple therapy when they started dating. Like early on in dating. So they had already, they went to therapy or whatever it was. And even though they weren't having problems, it was just, hey, this is what's going on and this is how we are. And they ended up.

Mm.

realizing the small things during these therapy sessions that helped them build a stronger relationship so it never got out of control. Cheating happens when things get out of control. One person shuts down, one person isn't getting something, and they find someone else to fill that hole. You have to be able to go to your mate and go, hey, we need to talk and...

Mm -hmm.

either side can't be defensive from the get -go. You have to listen to the person you're with. If you don't, they will find someone else who listens, period. And you will end up not having that great person in your life because you refuse to listen or you refuse to have empathy or you never said you were sorry or never said you were wrong.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

That that is utter bullshit. You're wrong and you and you know, we all have these issues I will I will say that i'm sure the person who cheated on me. I was probably not I wasn't in life enough. I was Go, you know in la la land. I wasn't there for her and I probably wasn't and that's what led to divorce

Mm -hmm.

You have to nip that in the bud very quickly and make sure that whatever your mate is looking for first can communicate that, my wants and needs, this is what I need, this is what I want. And if you can't fulfill those wants and needs, you need to step out before it ever gets to the cheating part. And you cannot get complacent. Getting complacent is the death of a relationship.

she's always going to be there. he's always going to do this. this is what's going to happen. As soon as you remember that, you stop fighting and you stop you stop playing. The playfulness goes away and everything becomes too serious. You stop trying. And I think the cheating will happen if you if you're not in their relationship enough.

You know what mean? Like it's just, you have to be able to be there emotionally, physically, mentally, and both sides have to make sure that they're telling their mate every single time, whatever it is that they can talk about. look, I think men see that as nagging.

Mm -hmm.

way too much. She's nagging. She's doing this. She's telling me that. She's not nagging.

Well, there's a way to say it too.

No, there is. Don't get me wrong. How they're saying something should always be the thing. And that's vice versa. Both sides need to say things without it being like you're shooting a cannon across the bow. Because if you're coming, if every time you're coming like that, it's never going to work.

There's definitely a way to say it.

You know.

And I think that we should start doing that with everybody. with my friends. My friends came over this weekend and they helped me out with some things. And I was so appreciative. I texted them and I was like, I love you guys so much. Thank you for being there. You didn't have to do it. And I saw how much you did. And I'm in awe of you. You know, like I made sure that I put the good in. Or I have a friend that every time I go and visit him,

He's a neat freak, like for real. And I'll see him on the floor, know, scrubbing the shower floor, which looked perfect when I got there anyway, but it was just his day to clean. And I always go, damn, look at how sexy you look. Like, I always try to like put, I want people to know I see them. And I wish that I felt more seen when I was in my marriage. I think that.

that that was part of the problem. Like I needed him to see me. I needed the kudos. I needed that thank you for taking care of me too. And I think if we start doing that, if we start being a little more vulnerable and just start being real with each other, we could have really amazing relationships. We just have to start putting the good back into them.

because everybody's waiting for somebody to screw him over, but nobody is expecting to have a good mate. And I always say, I want the next person that I meet that I want to be with, they're a good mate. And I want to encourage them to be a good mate. And I'm not going to sit there and dismiss them. And I'm not that way anyway. I listen to everybody. But the same token, I want to make sure that he knows that I see him.

because I think that men don't feel like they're seen enough.

Right. Yes, but I believe that both sides don't. There's women who also do a lot of shit and their men don't make them feel like they're appreciated. Like, you know, I'm glad you're in my life. You have to tell both sides of that. And I think for us, that is the thing, right? You're giving your side and my side is the same. I think everyone...

can feel underappreciated. And as long as you're pushing the narrative of telling them how you feel for having them in your life, you'll have way less cheating. Look, you have to look at the next relationship like it's going to work. If you don't, it'll never be okay. If you go into the next relationship going, this is gonna fail, because my last one did, it'll never work.

Mm -hmm.

So you'll end up failing and probably out and about looking for the next person before you're out of the relationship. So my thing is, look, don't cheat. Before you get to that and your relationship, it's okay. I think that...

It's going to fail, yeah.

Mm -hmm, absolutely.

Your mate will appreciate you coming to them going, look, we're not this isn't being, you know, you're not fulfilling my needs and I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to do this. So we should make sure that this doesn't happen. And it's going to hurt either way. No one wants to have that told to them either, but I would rather not find you with somebody because heaven forbid, you know.

People do crazy shit. People die over cheating. So that's a whole other thing. My dad knew somebody who got shot in his own front door, killed. So.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

I actually knew a person who killed his wife's lover when he walked in and found them in their bed. So, yeah. I get it.

Yeah, people do crazy shit. You see red and yeah. And then some people just walk out and never come back. So there's that too. Like literally just never ever see someone again. All right, well, we got cheating in the book. Don't do it. I think that's my only thing just and I think.

Mm -hmm.

Yep.

save yourself.

If you've been cheated on or you've been part of that, you have to realize that not it's not going to happen every time. It's just not just go into the relationship thinking it's going to be a great relationship and and people have flaws and they're they're OK.

A relationship will become as much as you work at it.

Correct, yes, agree. Alrighty, well, thanks for another week. Make sure you check us out on all socials and on everywhere you can listen to this podcast. And hey, it's an opinion show, don't get it twisted. Keep coming back, listening to me and my co -host Tina. We'll see you next week, bye.

See ya.