Today, I've invited my friend and fellow coach, Jennifer Delliquadri, to come talk with me about midlife, post-motherhood, and being a woman at this time in our lives. 

You’ll Learn:

• Why it’s natural for transformation to be messy
• Times when Jennifer and I have experienced dissatisfaction in our own lives, and some of the shifts we made
• Pandemic challenges we’re still working through when it comes to community and friendships
• Two ways to get in touch with what you truly want in your life (that you can start right now)

Often, when you feel dissatisfied with something in your life, that first step looks like saying, “I don’t know what it’s gonna look like yet, but I need to find a different way.”

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Jennifer is a life coach who has worked primarily with teens and her parents, but she has has recently shifted into coaching women in midlife. The change was driven by her own “midlife wake-up call” and the method that she has used to transform her identity at different stages of life. She is also a mom of 2 and the host of the Subtle Shifts podcast.

What Even is Midlife? 

For many of us, this shift away from day-to-day parenting into more of a consulting role with our kids marks that transition to midlife. 

I am currently in a stage of life where I’ve pretty much retired from parenting. I’ve raised my kids. They are no longer living at home. I’m not thinking about what they’re going to eat or doing their laundry. 

These days, I’m pretty free, and my kids are doing pretty well. There’s a lot of open-ended excitement, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. 

Jennifer talks about why this happens. “For so long, we haven't had that freedom. And so it can feel unsettling, like something must be wrong if I have so much time or I'm not used to having this time, and I don't know what to do with it.”

I have also noticed that there is a gap in models. You may not really have a concept of what it looks like to be a woman post-child rearing and pre-grandmothering. Most of our models of womanhood revolve around caregiving. 

So if we see caregiving as our role and purpose, and then we don’t have anyone to care for, what value do we have to give?

Maybe you carved out all this time for other people, and now that it’s just you, you feel a little lost. 

If you’re feeling isolated, maybe thinking that you’re missing something or have done something wrong, know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who feel this way.

Going Into the Coccon

Jennifer shared a story about her own midlife confusion. She says, “there was a point where I was on vacation - I was in Hawaii with my family, and, you know, it's beautiful. And I was getting ready to turn 50 and, like, excited about that and proud about that. But at the same time, I have this kind of feeling like, ‘what the fuck?’” 

She was postmenopausal, her body didn’t feel like her body anymore, and she just generally didn’t feel like herself. She felt like there was nothing to look forward to or be excited about anymore. And with her kids getting older, she was just going to fade away.

She had everything she ever wanted in her life - a husband she loves, great kids, a business she enjoys and is proud of. She was on a trip in a beautiful place, and she still felt like shit. 

She says, “I could hear things that people say like, ‘Oh, this is where the magic begins,’ or, ‘This is when you finally have time to focus on yourself.’ But I'm like, I don't even know what that means for me. What do you mean focus on myself?”

She decided to take action, starting with dialing in her nutrition and exercise. She started going to therapy. Finding areas where she was dissatisfied and taking actions to work on them.  

Eventually, the cloud started to lift, and she started to feel optimistic for the first time in years. She started to feel like herself again. To feel excited and not so heavy about everything. 

She realized, “What I'm here for is beyond what I am doing. What I have to share is way beyond what I am sharing.”

Jennifer likes to call this “going in the cocoon." She says that “this is where the chaos happens,” because you’re unsettled. You’re uncomfortable and trying different things, but nothing is really changing (yet). Transformation isn’t something that feels soft and lovely. It takes time.

I love this concept of metamorphosis. When a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis, it doesn’t just shift directly into a butterfly. It dissolves and breaks down into this goop before the cells can be rebuilt into something new. And this is true for transformations in our lives, too.

There are periods in our lives - when you become a partner or wife, when you become a mother, when you change careers, when a parent dies - that you lose a piece of your identity and build a new identity. And it can get pretty messy. 

Often, when you feel dissatisfied with something in your life, that first step looks like saying, “I don’t know what it’s gonna look like yet, but I need to find a different way.”

Subtle Shifts

During our conversation, Jennifer also described what she calls her quarter-life crisis at the age of 25. And there are some similarities between the two stories. 

She says that in both cases, she was dealing with “society's version of what it means to have made it in the world and what success means and what it means to be a woman and all of these identities that have been imposed upon us. And some of them are not in alignment with our top values. We’re living someone else’s dream in some way.”

That feeling of something not quite being right, that area of dissatisfaction, can be an invitation to explore areas of our lives where we can make these subtle shifts and changes. Maybe you join a club or quit a friend group. It doesn't have to be a massive change, but there's more healing, more joy, more peace, more calm out there. And it’s available to you.

Jennifer describes a moment on her Peloton when her Subtle Shifts method came through to her so clearly. These are three phases that she’s been through so many times in her life, and now that she’s on the other side, it is so clear and easy to understand what’s going on. 

She says, “That's really how I live my life. I don't do everything all at once. You just make little changes, things that feel doable and sustainable, and you stick with it and you stick with it. And then eventually, a year down the road, things change drastically.”

Be willing to get uncomfortable. Jennifer says it all comes down to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 

One of the areas we talked about is community and friendships. In many ways, we’re still recovering from the pandemic in this area. We got so used to being at home, and it takes effort to go out and get together with people in real life - especially new people. And as kids grow up and move out, you no longer have school and sports events to meet and connect with other parents. 

We have to work harder to meet new people, make friends, and stay connected to our communities. Add working from home or rural living to the mix, and it can take a significant amount of effort and intention to be physically present with other people.

Jennifer says that she’s looking forward to being an instructor at an upcoming yoga festival. “I’m just putting myself in places where I can meet people who want to meet people, as well.” 

Connect and be present. Jennifer also encourages practicing embodied living - being connected to where your body is, going places, and connecting with people in person as much as possible. This can benefit you no matter what stage of life you’re in. 

Moms of young kids are always on the go, and it can become a habit of rushing and disconnection. Even everyday chores, like folding laundry, are an opportunity to be present where you are. Slowing down just a little bit and connecting to your body and what you’re doing will calm you and lead to better regulation for your kids, too.

When you start to feel loneliness or dissatisfaction. When you're on a beautiful vacation with your family and you're crying in the shower. That is an indication to you that maybe things aren't as great as you thought they were. 

It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you've done something wrong. 

I like to think of it as being “midlife curious”. Look at that dissatisfaction as an invitation to explore how you’re living your life and what you’re willing to adjust. As Jennifer reminds us, creating the life you want starts with a subtle shift.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect with Jennifer:

• Check out the Subtle Shifts podcast
• Learn about the Subtle Shifts Method and working with Jennifer on her website
• Follow along on Instagram @jennifer.delliquadri
• Subscribe to her YouTube Channel @subtle.shifts

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Marilyn Childress.

And on this episode, I've invited my friend and fellow

colleague, Jennifer Delacroix, to come talk to me

about midlife, post

motherhood, middle age, being a woman at

this time in our lives. She is a

life coach and for the past few years has been coaching teenagers

and has recently shifted into coaching women in

midlife. And we talk a little bit about her reason for

shifting and her shift in her podcast, which is called

subtle shifts. I think if you are midlife, you will

love to listen to this conversation and then also pop

over to Jennifer's podcast and listen to

her different topics around midlife, the different

challenges we have at this age, and that podcast is called subtle shifts. So

I hope you enjoy our conversation. Here we go.

Hello? Hey. Hey. I wanna set up my mic.

K. Oh, yeah. I need to do that too.

It's nice to see you. It's good to see you too. It's been a

while. I know. How was your mammogram? Got my

got my mammy. Got my little boobies all checked out.

Excellent. I feel like after getting a mammogram

and I also did some blood work, I was like, I am a champion.

Like, I wondered, I was like, I wondered if other people felt that way when

you do, like, this things you're supposed to do in life. Yeah, I

get like a little kick out of that. I'm like, very,

I'm good at I'm good at taking care of myself. Look at me. I'm on

top of stuff. Yeah. And also on top of stuff for me.

Mhmm. I've always been good about keeping on top of stuff for the kids.

Sure. But maybe not so much for myself. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Which is a very normal thing.

It is, isn't it? Uh-huh. Yeah. It's kinda like what I wanted to talk

about in some ways, because it's very interesting

this midlife stage. And I don't even

know what midlife is. I mean, I've raised my children. Right? This is for

me. I'm at that stage where I got them to 18.

You know? Like, yesterday, my youngest one turned 19 yesterday. Lincoln

turns 21 soon. I'm like, yeah. Okay. I did the

thing. Yeah. I know. Like I said before, yeah, you

graduated. Like, you should have graduation party due when your kid turns

18. Yeah. Or a retirement party, but then people didn't like that

idea because they're like, you're never retired from parenting. How long is it gonna be,

mom? And I'm like, well, no. I'm I'm pretty

retired from the, like, day to day mothering of them. Yeah.

Exactly. Yeah. I don't think about, like, what they eat or do their

laundry anymore. Right. You're just there as a

consultant when necessary. Yeah. They're like they look they don't live here.

Yeah. So it's like true. You're on

call. Uh-huh. I'm on call. Exactly. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, I wanted you to say a little bit about your

podcast, your new podcast, like Yeah. Your shift to it. Tell me

about it. So, is this it? Are we, are we

recording our podcast right now? Yeah, we are. Okay.

I'm into just like starting and just going. Let's just

talk. Okay. Yeah. So I've been on your

show before and you know me and we know each other. My past,

I was a coach for parents and for teens,

and I love doing that. But then I had

kind of like this I like to call it a midlife I don't

know. People call it a midlife crisis, but for me it was more like a

a midlife wake up call kind of. I've been calling it

midlife curious. Yeah. That works too. I

I also call it a midlife evolution, but at the time it

didn't feel like an evolution because I was like at the beginning, you know, it's

the beginning where this whole, like, it felt like it's a

burn it down in the, the, this first part is a burn it down.

Exactly. I, it was, like, not just for my direction and

my business, but there was a point where I was

on vacation. I was in Hawaii with my family, and, you know,

it's beautiful. And I was getting ready to

turn 50 and, like, excited about

that and proud about that. But at the same time, like, I have this kind

of feeling like, what the fuck? I

know. I'm in it because I I'm Yes. I turned 50 in

September, and this is April. So I'm, like, six months.

Yeah. There was just a moment there where I had already got

started hormone replacement therapy and, like, postmenopausal. So it

wasn't necessarily that I was in perimenopause, but my body did

not feel like my body anymore. Like, I had gained

weight. I was still working out, and I was still active. But I had

gained weight, and I just didn't feel like good about my the way I looked.

I didn't feel like myself. And there were I we could

definitely talk about this, but I just was like, well, what, like, what's

the what's the point? Like, what's what's going on in this life?

The point? I don't have anything to look forward to. Like, the I wasn't

excited about the future. I'm like, my whole life, I wanted to be a mom.

And so I was a mom and my kids are getting older now, and now

I'm turning 50. And then I'm like, so am I just gonna fade

off into Oh my god. I thought a hundred times about this topic. Like,

literally spent hours thinking about it. So yes.

I'm right there with you. So, you know, anyway, so back to the

trip, I was basically just hit this low point where I was just in the

shower and I was crying and I was like, why do I

feel so shitty? Why do I feel like shit? I

have everything I ever wanted in my life. I had this business that I wanted

and I grew and I feel really proud of. And I actually enjoy doing,

I'm married. I love my husband. I've got some great kids. I'm on a trip

with my family in this beautiful place, and I

still feel like shit. And I was like, there's gotta be something

different. I'm doing something wrong here. Like, there's something I'm missing, you

know, all of these things. And and I could hear things can people say

conceptually like, oh, this is where the magic begins or this is when you

finally have time to focus on yourself. But I'm like, I don't even know what

that means for me. Like, what do you mean focus on myself?

I have, like, 100 thoughts. I just, like, wanna hear you talking. I'm like,

uh-huh. Mhmm. Uh-huh. Mhmm. You do. You do. You do. Yeah. So it's

like that moment in the shower, and I was just like, this ain't this ain't

it. I don't know. And so I'm the type of person

who just I I cannot sit in that

discomfort for long before I I have had enough,

and I need to take action. And so for me, the action

for me, what that looked like was to start getting really,

like, dialed in on my nutrition. Mhmm. And, like,

that's triggering for me because I grew up in diet culture, and I don't even

like talking about, like, counting calories. Like, it but I

knew that what I was doing, everything that I had always done was no longer

working. So I'm like, okay. Obviously, my body is needing something different now.

I've always exercised, but I got a Peloton, and I

started, you know, just being a little bit more intentional with the way I was

eating. So that was like, step number one. Like, I'm gonna take charge

of this part. Yeah. This area of

dissatisfaction. I'm gonna take charge of that and do something. And so

that kind of started to it didn't work, quote, unquote,

meaning, like, it wasn't like I was started losing weight immediately. Like, I

didn't. It was a whole month, and I was like, I'm still not losing weight,

but I'm not quitting. And I just adjusted a few things.

Eventually, the weight started to come off, but it wasn't just about the weight. It

was like the past five years,

we've all been through this collective trauma Yep. Upon

trauma, upon trauma. And that on top of the fact that I

moved from my home that I lived in for thirty

five years to another state where I knew no one. And also,

lo and behold, here comes a pandemic where I can't even make friends. So it

was very isolating. I'd been through this big life transformation. My

body was holding onto a lot of it, a lot of the trauma. So

I got a therapist, and I started going to therapy again.

I'd I'd done it before, but I was like, this there's something nagging,

and I don't know what it is. So I enlisted help. I enlisted support. I

did what I could do to change things,

and I did like, I kind of did a what I like to call, like,

going in the chrysalis. Yep. Right? Like, I'm gonna do some

work here. And so that was gonna funny about the chrysalis thing real

quick is that that I did my training with Martha Beck, and she has a

lot of information about the change cycle. And what's

fascinating about the chrysalis is that when a caterpillar goes into the

chrysalis builds it, it actually turns into goop.

Yeah. It doesn't just become a butterfly. It doesn't change form. It

actually dissolves completely and then rebuilds itself.

Yeah. We often think of it just like this transformation

that I'm gonna go and, like, turn my fat little

cutter caterpillar self and like the wings just sprout out. But

no, you go into this, like primordial

goop situation where all the cells are there and it gets

rebuilt. Yeah. And that's meaning dissolving, like breaking

stuff down so that it is quiet. It is

you kind of need to have a chrysalis and no one can see you turn

into goop. Exactly doing all that internal work.

And it's not like the things that I'm currently

building are being built on my old identity.

Like, the Correct. It's Right. All the way broken down to build

a new identity. Yes. That's and we can we I think we do this

as women in a variety of periods of our lives. Like it

happens when you become a mother, it becomes it could happen if you become a

partner or wife, change career. Like there's different periods of

time. If your parent dies or something like that, you lose a

piece of your identity or you're building a new identity. And it's very

little messy. Oh, yeah. So that is,

you know, a part of the work. I did a lot of different types of

things in in the internal work. And what's so funny is when I look

back, I can see clearly what was going on. But when I'm in

it when I was in it, it it felt chaotic. It was, like,

uncomfortable talking about things that I never liked to even

address. Like, I'm actually gonna talk about these things in a therapeutic

setting and it and, like, look at it. Yeah. And work

on starting to heal these things. Stories I've been telling myself since

I was a kid. Right? Like, that's still echo in my life

today. Right? So

that whole thing happened. And then to go back to my

podcast transition, after all of that, I started to

really actually feel better in my life. Like, it was

like the cloud started to lift, and I started

to like, feel optimistic for the first time in

years. It'd been a couple of years

where I just was kinda like, what what's the point? Like,

what's, what's there to do? I don't know. I actually started to

feel like myself again, like, oh, there she

is. And then

be excited about and like not

feel so heavy all of the time. So great

metaphorically and physically. Yes, exactly.

And to go back to the business with all that I went through and all

that, I like the self reflection, it's

kind of hard to describe without sounding too

woo woo, but I'm gonna sound woo woo. Who cares? It's

like the messages were very clear to me.

Mhmm. What I'm here for is beyond what I

am doing. What I am here for what I have to

share, I should say, is way beyond what I am sharing.

I for a while, I had felt kind of constrained in what I would talk

about. Mhmm. Because I would be like, well, this doesn't really have to do with

parenting a teenager. You know? So This is exactly why I have

this new format of calm mama confessions, because

I have so much to offer and so

much other things I think about besides parenting, which I'm still

100 people listening are like, she could have quit. Nope. Not me.

I'm stunned. I'm in it to continue my mission of healing the next

generation in advance. It's It's very clear to me. I'm on it. But

that, yeah, the other pieces of healing

journey and interests and this life

stage that I'm in, that's not focused on my children as

much. And, yeah, it's fascinating to me. And I'm like, I'm right

there with you. I just kind of created added just added

another segment of my podcast. Yeah. Exactly.

And the purpose of the things that I talk about

now on my podcast directly can relate

to parenting. For sure. But it for me, it

felt more expansive to be speaking to

women in midlife. Yeah. Who also happen to

maybe have teenagers. Mhmm. So it still is

going to help them be a good mom and help them raise a teenager, but

that's not all I'm talking about. Yeah. It's so freeing and, like,

expansive. Yeah. So go kinda back to the woo. It was

like it was, internal knowing, but also,

like, there was a moment when I was on the Peloton, and this is

oftentimes I'll get, like, thought downloads, I guess, you could say,

just downloads in general with, like, inspiration is hitting me so fast

and, like, I have to grab my phone and, like, start taking notes because I'm

like, oh, this is good. This is good. Yeah. I've heard it described as,

trying to catch a tiger by the tail and pull it

back. Like, when you have a lot of inspiration at one time, sometimes that

poetry can be that way where you're like, I I only know the back, the

last I can't remember all of it, but let me try to pull pull from

the tail back into some sort of harnessed way. So

I Yeah. Exactly. And so that's where the subtle

shifts method came through to me. And I'm like, that's exactly what I

went through this year. And then when I look back on my life, I'm like,

I've been through those three phases many times.

Yeah. Many different situations, and it was just very clear to me

like the, oh, these are the three phases. So this is what happens, and it's

very easy to understand now on the other side that that's what was

going on. Mhmm. And then you know really

clearly what you might wanna walk someone through or what they might need to be

walking themselves through and guiding that. Mhmm. Yeah.

So all of that kind of came through and it was scary

as as heck to just be like, I'm going

to change the name of my podcast. That was

hard. Yeah. Right. Because I had built that.

I think it was maybe 150 plus episodes in,

three years in. And, like, well, gosh. Am I just, like, throwing

it all in the trash? But then I thought, you know what? All of those

150 episodes are still there. And it's still me and it's

still my advice and my thoughts and support. But now I'm also

talking about these other things and it just felt so right that even

though it was scary, it was like, well, I don't really have a choice because

this is what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. We started a podcast

similar time. And sometimes I do think about, like, I I still have a lot

of content to teach, but then I'm like, do I really have another,

like, a hundred and sixty hours of,

like, content? Is it necessary when there's all of it is sitting there already? Is

this beautiful resource? I'm like, yeah. If you're new to the podcast, just start from

the beginning. Yeah. It's it's there. You know? It's

great. Yeah. Yeah. So if anyone wants to buy your parenting

support or the there's a backlog, yeah. You know, and

I still coach people on parenting, like I guess people coming to me

wanting support with their teenager. I still do that. Yeah. It's

just, that's not all I'm talking about anymore. So good. Yeah.

Subtle shifts. Yes. And so, like, the

the name Settle Shifts is the name of my business,

but it's been the name of my business since I very first became an

entrepreneur and applied for my business license. And that was in

2019. Mhmm. I named it. And

that name itself came to me before I even started a

business. It was probably maybe 2017 where I was

like, gosh. If I had a business, I would name it this because that's really

how I live my life. I don't do all everything

all at once. I found that, you know, you just make little changes,

things that feel doable and sustainable and you stick with it and you stick

with it. And then eventually, a year down the road, things

change drastically. It's a % in line with the way I approach

life. And when I was like, what did I name my podcast? I'm like,

well, duh. What you've always

what you've always meant to name everything that you did.

Exactly. Yeah. That's so beautiful. I love

it. I'm glad you shared that. Yeah. And I think that feeling of

something not quite being right, like that area of dissatisfaction.

It can be an invitation to explore

areas of our life where, yeah, subtle shifts making

changes, maybe you join a club or quit this

friend group or stop going to the park at that time and could try something

else. Like I, it doesn't have to be a massive change,

but there's more available, more healing, more

joy, more peace, more calm. It's like, it's out there, it's

available. And we're just kind of plotting along trying to figure out

how to get there, but we do have to see where we're not, it's not

working and, yeah, keep moving forward. I can't even

say that there was one thing or like, it's

this that helped me feel more optimistic in my life. I can't

pinpoint any of it. It was all of it. And that's where when we were

talking about the chrysalis phase, I call it the cocoon phase. That's where the

chaos happens. It's like it just feels like

unsettling because you are doing different things, and you're talking about things or

it's uncomfortable, and you're working behind the scenes, but nothing

really is changing. It just it feels unsettled.

Yeah. It's because there's a transformation happening and transformation

isn't something that just feels so soft and lovely.

Like it takes time. Yeah. No, the butterfly

gets reformed inside and no one can see it. It's like it

is its beautiful self fully formed

inside before it comes out. It's not out yet. Right? So it's like

the caterpillar gets totally gooped then rebuilt and no one

can see it. And then what's interesting about a butterfly is that

if you try to help it out of the cocoon, if you

rip the cocoon or open up the chrysalis at all,

the wings aren't strong enough to then fly.

It has to struggle to come out.

And that can also be uncomfortable where you're like, guess

what? I have a new podcast name, or I'm gonna

quit my job, or I wanna move, or whatever. I'm

getting a divorce. Like, you know, who knows? And that

kind of shift, that's the part that's really where everyone sees

the internal work on the outside and you start to make those changes.

And that is much harder

than we think it will be and lots of obstacles, and that's why

getting support is so good. Well, and that's why

when you're feeling dissatisfied with your life,

that's where it can be feels so I don't know, easy,

I guess, or I'm just gonna ignore it. I'm gonna distract it. I'm gonna, you

know, go on my phone and look at TikTok because I don't wanna think about

the fact that I feel this way, or I'm gonna drink, or I'm gonna go

online shopping, or plan another vacation that I can't afford.

Like, I'm going to avoid this because I don't like thinking about it

because I don't have a solution for it. You can do that. That

dissatisfaction is there for a reason. It's there to as a

message, and you can decide whether you wanna do

something about it. And really, one of the hardest parts is just

saying, you know what? I'm gonna do something. It's time to dive

in. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. But once you do, it's

like, soon enough, you'll be turning around and you'll feel like,

gosh, I actually feel better. I keep something's working

here. Yeah. I know. It does get better. I did

confessions on the first time I like dipped into a healing

journey at age 19. And what I was doing

was like drinking, doing drugs, having sex, just really being

out of bounds in those areas. And I kind of was it wasn't

working for me. And I was like, I've got to make a change.

And that was the beginning of that first kind of

cocoon moment for me. And I

remember I used to like go get high with everybody

at, on the quad or whatever, at college.

And this was my sophomore year. And then my friends were

like, where are you going? Where are you going? And I was like,

I have a meeting with some friends. Some

like, I gotta go to a meeting. I didn't know what to say. I knew

I didn't wanna go with them. Okay. But I wanted

I didn't know where I was going. Okay. Like, I just

going there? I just I was like I just lied. I just was like, I'm

not I don't know. I have plans. I have to go do something. And I,

like, remember walking around the campus just kinda, like, lost and not sure

where to go. And there was this sign that was, like, need someone to

have lunch with. And then, like, I was like, yeah. And then

do. I walked into this room. There were all these nice people. It turned

out it was a cult, which thankfully it got rescued from.

I was like, but it was but anyway, there was something

available, but I didn't know it. And then, you know,

slowly but surely I made new friends. I moved home. I did a bunch of

changes, and it was just all awful and uncomfortable and identity

crushing and all of those things. And then at but even

though, like, that day when I met the cult

people, I still felt better because I wasn't just

getting stoned in the quad as I done every day

and feeling like shit and not not feeling connected to anybody and

lost and insecure and all those things. I was like, I don't

know. I'm just gonna feel differently. I'm just gonna find something else. And that's

what you're you know, you make one small shift, subtle shift.

Yes. Exactly. Yeah. It it doesn't take a lot. It just

takes, like you said, doing something different Mhmm.

And evaluating as you go. Mhmm. I had my

first life crisis at 25.

Mhmm. I called it a quarter life crisis. Yeah. Where I

had, you know, gone to school, got my degree, went

into the corporate world. I was in in human resources making a pretty

good salary. Like, I had checked all the boxes, and I

hated what I was doing. I was like, I went through

three different jobs in, like, a year and a half, and and I kept thinking,

well, this isn't the right job. I just need another job. If I get a

different job, then I'll like what I'm doing, and, of course, not. And I I

didn't like any of it. And so I just quit, and I

went backpacking in Europe. Yeah. I

I have to this is not what I wanna do. And so that was kind

of one of my other transformational experiences. And I came back and I

went back to school to be a teacher. Yeah. Alright.

Sometimes we have to drop drop an identity with but

we don't know what the new identity is gonna be. And it's I mean,

backpacking across Europe sounds very lovely and idyllic and all of those things,

but you're taking your your sad lost self with you.

And, you know, you look at eat, pray, love or

wild. Right? You look at these stories, we read them and we make them so

inspirational and they're so courageous. And, but

what we are always missing when we glorify

those stories is the pain that drove the decision, the

actual discomfort, and then the journey

through to something else that it's always uncomfortable.

Yes. Good. And uncomfortable. And I

can talk about I can put on my rose colored glasses and

be like, oh, I was in Europe. And I had this moment when I looked

around and realized that not everyone lives the way that I've

been raised to believe is a successful way of living. I don't have to

live. Like, yes. I had those moments of realization, but

in truth, I came back and I got another HR job.

Yeah. Because I didn't know what else to do. Mhmm. But it was when I

had that job that I made the decision to go back to school.

So it wasn't the trip that changed everything for me, but it

was part of it. Yeah. And it was just saying, I need to find a

different way. I don't know what that's gonna look like yet. Yeah.

And it I think to go back to the topic

of being in midlife and feeling dissatisfied,

it has to do with the same type of thing that I was dealing with

at 25. I was dealing with it again at 50, and that is

this is society's version of what it means to have made

it in the in the world and what success means and what it means

to be a woman and all of these, like,

identities that have been imposed upon us. And some of them

are not in alignment with what is our top

values. Yeah. Yeah. We're living someone else's

dream in some way. Or lack of

concept. This is a thing that I've been thinking a lot about

is that I actually don't have a concept of

post child rearing, pre grandmother

ring, right? I don't even have a mount mind

map or a model of this period of time. And

I've been wondering why that is. And looking

around at the variety of models in the world of people

who have done it before me. And really, I think

a lot of times women switch from caregiving to children

to caregiving to their elderly parents. Yeah. And

that is a beautiful thing that we

can do as a society. But a lot of times, the

elderly parent comes right as the

your youngest is graduating or, you know, kind

of you might have a couple maybe a year or two. But it's like, it

becomes a very important thing, then you're grieving, and then you're in this whole process

with your elderly parent. And then you kinda get through that possibly, and then

there's grand You become a grandparent. Like, I think women are just most of

my models are around caregiving in many ways.

And I don't have

that. My mom is gone. I don't have it. I I did the

elderly parent thing when I had a 10 year old and walked through

Alzheimer's when the kids were younger, which was

absolutely challenging to have young kids who still need

babysitters while also driving an elderly person to the doctor. But now

I'm, like, pretty free, and I my kids are

pretty good. And I'm like, oh, what's what's it gonna look like? It's a lot

of open ended excitement, but then also a

little bit overwhelming. It definitely is because

for so long, we haven't had that freedom. And so it can feel

unsettling, like something must be wrong if I have so

much time or I'm not used to having this time, and I don't know what

to do with it. I don't know how to fill it. Yep. Yeah. And if

I'm not caring for someone because that's my job,

what's what value do I have to give then? Yeah. Or

what is even the purpose of my day? Right. You know? That's why so

many people in midlife, women in midlife get dogs.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. Oh, that's lovely. It's great

grounding and gives you somebody to care for and take care

of and all of those things. Yeah. I also

think it's frustrating in this age because we're

also pretty tired, like, just physiological. There's so

many changes that happen that are normal and part of

aging and part of being menopausal or post, you know, peri or

post or whatever. And also kinda maybe slowing down

and giving fewer fucks about some stuff. So what used to

matter a lot doesn't matter as much. Even if it's

not caregiving, maybe it's just style or your home. Like, you've

already decorated your home or, you know, there's a lot of check boxes

you've done along the way, and then you've had peace around those areas or if

you work through those areas. And so it's like, I'm

not motivated and I'm pretty tired. So it can

be kind of easy to feel like a bump on the

log. Yeah. And Yeah. And just I'm just gonna

lounge around on the couch and watch Netflix. Yeah. I

don't have the If I can, and I don't really I've done a lot

already today. And, like, I don't know. I don't have to

go run around from three to seven and pick up people.

And I've worked my business in such a way that I was

available every afternoon for teenagers. And now I'm

very available to myself. Right. Well, I'm

also a little tired. Yeah. And I've worked out and I've walked

and I've done my work and I had it's not time to make dinner

yet. And I get a little bit like, what do I What do I do?

What do I do? I don't know. Yeah. That's a it's an interesting stage.

It's, it is satisfying. It can be very satisfying, but it can

also feel like you're very lost. Yeah. To go back to when you

conceptualize motherhood and being a woman and all of

that, I think about when I was a child, I would think about

what I wanna be when I grow up. I wanted to be a mom. Mhmm.

And in no version of that vision of being a mom

was it when my kids are older and have moved out.

Yeah. That didn't create any sort of map. I wanted to I wanted to have

a family. I wanted to have a home. I wanted to have a marriage. I

wanted to have a career. Eventually, I wanted to have a career.

And yeah. After that, like, I don't know. We

just have this, like, idea of you just keep working and then

retire or something, and that's fine. But there's, like, a chunk

of decade there in the middle. There's

space between retirement and your kids move out. Yeah. We

hope. Right? Yeah. It depends on how you time it all, but yeah, for us,

that's true. Mhmm. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think that,

you know, vacationing or exploring or build like,

one of my goals this year was to make new friends. And

that has been pretty interesting. I

just decided, like, I have this whole parking juju where I just make create

parking spots For myself, whenever I go anywhere, I just

say, Oh, I can't wait to find my parking spot. Yeah. I get excited. And

I usually I park in juju, and my friends all know, and they asked me

to turn it on and stuff like that. My my family thinks it's

bullshit, but they also always ask me to turn it on. So I'm like, is

it bullshit or what? So I was like, I'm just gonna use

parking Juju for friend Juju. I'm just gonna assume my

new friends are out there, and I can't wait to meet them. Yeah. And I

have made two new friends. Yay. Yeah. And it's

been very fun and interesting. And so,

yeah, just kind of exploring like what else is out there. And,

yeah, that kind of brings me to something, a realization

that's similar. That is, I have

close relationships with my family, and I lived in San Diego. My kids were

young. I had a lot of really close mom friends. And when I

moved, I had my family. And like I said, we didn't have a

lot of ability to connect with people in person. And so

the, like, the habit, I guess, a lot of us

probably got into was just being home. Mhmm. Even if we

have friends. It's just comfortable to be home because we got used to being home,

and it takes effort. Yeah, it does to make a

coffee date to meet for lunch, to reorganize your

day. Yeah. And then it's work because they're new

people and you don't necessarily know them and

you're not sure it's not like slipping on a really comfortable sweater. I mean, I

have some deer. I have an amazing group of friends.

And we've been raising our babies together new group I know before I

had babies, and still friends with them. And I just when I'm with

them, it's like, warm saucer milk. Yep. It's like, so

comforting and so easy. And they don't all

live near me. And so I was like, I want to make friends that live

near me so that I can meet up for coffee.

Yeah. It's been interesting. I like have really liked it. It's like

dating. It is like dating. Like you don't meet for coffee and you kind of

feel each other out. Like, are you my kind of person? Do we be into

the same kind of Where'd you grow up? Right. Tell me a little bit

about you. Are you an only child? Like, are your

parents still living? Like, that's It's totally

midlife women dating. I mean, it's friendship dating. That's what

we can call it. Yeah. It is friendship dating, and it's really

amazing and also weird and hard and

fun and dumb and the whole, all of it. It's

everything about dating, I guess. Yeah. But again, it comes down

to your willingness to be uncomfortable. Like it's uncomfortable

to go to these things where you might be meeting people. Like I've gone to

networking events. I've gone to like meetups with your crafting

type stuff where you don't know anyone and then

you show up and you're like, gosh, I, you know, I hope, I hope somebody

likes me, you know, it's uncomfortable. I definitely think I hope I like

someone. I hope I like someone. I hope that I don't hate

everyone. I hope there's one cool person

that I can chat with. Just one. But it requires

your willingness to be uncomfortable. Yeah. I think you're really speaking to that post

pandemic quarantine time. Like, it is still a

habit, especially for mid midlifers because, like, my

kids were eighth and ninth grade when the pandemic started.

And by the time the pandemic ended, my

kids were driving. Like, the transition out

of parenting was so like a sledgehammer just

kinda came down on I was no longer going to the

school functions and this and that, and, like, connected to the school community. They both

were just starting at high school, and I never really got connected

into the high school mom vibe. There was a pandemic, and

then I had my mom die and my sister die and I was building this

business. And I just was like in my world. And my boys were fine. They

weren't all that interested in high school either. So I was like, just go get

it done. And over that those years, I

became more and more disconnected from my own community.

And I got, like, looked around. I'm like, well, I've got, like,

one friend that lives near me. Yeah. Or a couple, and then my

book club who I love. And I was just like, this is not working for

me. I want to have more connection in real life.

Yeah. Because you and I are friends, but we live like my it's different states.

And so Yeah. You can't be everyday friends. Mhmm. I know.

And that's been my goal this year is to meet

up with people in person and to also

create opportunities for people to meet up in person.

I'm gonna start hosting a women's circle at the yoga

studio nearby, and I'm participating in a yoga

festival festival where I'm being an instructor. I'm just putting myself in

places where I can meet people who wanting to

meet people as well. Yeah. I think it's really

beautiful to see it as a society that more and more people are

coming out of that kind of, like, phase. And, like, when you have

younger kids, you are going out in the world.

You're meeting friends that that the pickup you know, school

pickup and that the your kids, you need to know who they're hanging out with.

So you connect with the parents and you're at the soccer and the

game afterwards and the dance recital and all the

things that they're doing. And it's good.

It's actually really healthy to be in a community.

And it can be really easy as we get into midlife to

let some of that go. And we have to work harder. It's easy if you

have kids in many ways to meet new people. And

especially for people like you and I who work at home. Yes.

Yeah. I'm just in my own little world here with my

husband. So yeah. Right. And for me, I just

recently started, being more intentional about

embodied living. So in person in my

life and with people as much as possible, and

I'm going places. I'm doing things. I'm doing my

best to not live in isolation, especially for me

because I live rurally. Like, I'm I'm close to the

city, but I'm very far removed. Like, you can't see a house from

my house. So it does take a significant amount

of effort and intention to put myself

where people are. Mhmm. Yeah. I guess

not everybody needs to do that. Right? So someone's listening and they're like, I'm full.

I've got enough going on. I'm good. I don't really want any more friends.

Like, fine. It's when you start to feel the loneliness

or whatever that dissatisfaction is when you're on vacation with

your family and you're crying in the shower. That is

the indication to you that maybe things aren't as great as you

thought they were. And that doesn't mean there's

anything wrong with you. It doesn't mean that you've done something

wrong. I really do think of dissatisfaction as an

invitation, not a criticism. It's just like,

This is interesting. Like, that's why I'm calling it this midlife

curious, because I just find that I'm very curious about

my areas of dissatisfaction.

Yeah. And just always being willing to look at how you're

living your life and what you're willing to adjust

or get curious around changing to see if it

impacts how you're feeling. When I started doing this embodied living thing,

I noticed that I was finding more joy in

everyday things. Yeah. Like, just like preparing a meal or

Yeah. Just everyday things. Like, even chores, like you said,

folding laundry, just enjoying the quality

of life in the moment versus

when we were younger moms, it's go go go do do do.

There's not a moment to pause as you it's not as easy to

do that, but now we have the space to do it, but it takes intention

to do it. Yeah. It can be a habit of rush, rushing

and a habit of disconnection. And I think even as you know,

most of the people listen to my pack, my podcasts have younger kids

and it's like, you don't have to rush,

actually. Like, you can practice slowing down as well and being a

little more present. It might of course, you have got three kids and

you gotta get everybody's into bed pajamas and get them with their

teeth brushed and all the things and get everyone out the door in the morning.

It's hard. If we slow down just a little bit and

kind of connect to our bodies and connect to what we're doing,

our kids will be more regulated. They will be more compliant. You

know, you can get more ease in your

life by just being a little slower, a little

more present. Yeah. Mhmm. It's a it's a

lifelong practice. It for sure is. It's not something it's

subtle. It's subtle shifts. Subtle shift.

Okay. Well, thank you. I love this conversation. It's so good. And

it's important. I'm really like, when you invited me on, I'm

like, heck. Yeah. I'm gonna come and talk about this because there are so

many women who are feeling this way in isolation. And Yeah. Maybe

thinking I've done something wrong or I'm missing something.

But there are so many of us that feel this way, and when we

have conversations and they open about it and normalize

this, the experience. Yeah. So good.

No, one's talking about it. Yep. Keep the conversation going for

sure. All right. Well, thanks for hanging out. Yeah.

Thanks for having me. Bye.