Today, we're diving deep into our ever-evolving identities, especially in the context of motherhood. Becoming a mom can accelerate our self-discovery journey, and we'll explore the psychological aspects of this transformation. Joining me is Yara Heary, a psychologist specializing in supporting women through conception, pregnancy, and motherhood. Her own journey led her to create Life After Birth Psychology, where she helps women navigate family dynamics, societal expectations, and relationship shifts as mothers.

In this episode, we'll discuss effective communication with your partner, identifying priorities, and managing emotions. Plus, we've got some fantastic conversation starters for you to use in your life. Yara's insights are invaluable, and this conversation is a must-listen for every mom.

So, grab your headphones and get ready for a candid, insightful conversation that every mom can relate to. Tune in!

What you'll hear in this episode:

[0:00] Identity evolution after motherhood.

[4:00] Motherhood, career evolution, and personal growth.

[13:15] Self-care and personal growth in relationships.

[20:05] Values and priorities while raising a family.

[31:05] Self-care, mindfulness, and goal setting for moms.

CONNECT WITH YARA

Follow Yara: @lifeafterbirthpsychology

Tune into Yara's Podcast: Life After Birth with Yara Heary

CONNECT WITH KELSEY

Follow Kelsey: @thisiskelseysmith

Follow Momma Has Goals: @mommahasgoals

Download the app for Apple or Android

Learn more at https://thisiskelseysmith.com/

Join our text list. Text "Goals" to (707) 347-0319

Speaker 1 0:00

One of the things that I often say to people is when you're when your children are adults, and you're having a conversation with them, and they're telling you about what their experience was like being raised by you, what do you want them to say about that? How do you want them to remember you? What are the qualities that you want to that you want to have some sense about that they were instilled by the experiences and the lessons that you taught them?

Kelsey Smith 0:29

Let's reimagine mom life together. Mama high schools is your hub for relatable support and helpful resources that help you fuel yourself alongside motherhood. Your identity is bigger than mom, and whatever your goals are, together, we're making them a reality. Pay Mama's if you've been listening for a little bit, or you know anything about the mama house goals, community, we actually love the fact that we get to evolve our identities and become the different and better versions of ourselves as we unpack it. And it's no secret that often this can be really sped up by motherhood, because all of a sudden, we have this whole new title and this whole new version of our lives, that we start to question, what is our identity? And what does that look like? Sometimes people feel like they've lost their identity and motherhood. But today we're going to talk about our ever evolving identities and what that does mean especially after motherhood from a psychological level, and also just what seems to be the case, we're also going to talk about having your partner by your side and communicating what it is that you need and what you're experiencing what you can do to help yourself and others with and be on a team. We talked about your priorities and knowing your priorities, communicating them, taking some tangible action steps to be mindful of your emotions, your anger, how you're processing things, and also some good conversation starters for you and your life. I absolutely love this conversation with Dr. Harry and Yara is a psychologist who works exclusively with women throughout conception, pregnancy and motherhood. She started life after birth psychology following the birth of her own first son, and that brought her on her own self rediscovery journey. Funny how that works right. Her experiences throughout early motherhood drew her to her support of other women as they navigated their own family of origin dynamics, the social programming of the good mother and relationship changes with those around them. This included identity shifts, role changes to find their place or balance and authenticity as mothers. She also is the host of the life after birth with Yara podcast. And this is dedicated to sharing stories of women as they navigate life as moms. So grab your headphones listening, because we can all relate to this conversation. And I know you're gonna love it. You're I'm so excited to talk to you. Like we were just chatting before we clicked record. It's just the mom life juggle of trying to figure out how you do all the things all the time. And I know for me, it doesn't end right. And for me, it also depends on what season I'm in. And I know you talk a lot about the ever evolving identities that we have as humans, and I think it's just that much stronger. When motherhood comes into play. What does that look like for you bring us up to speed where you were at before this version and motherhood and how you've really stepped into helping women in this way?

Speaker 1 3:30

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my goodness, the evolving identities and I feel like, and yes, it happens, whether we are mothers or not. But I think that, yeah, when we become mothers, it's almost like this superspeed entry into the evolution of our identity. And because it happens so quickly, many of us are really left feeling feeling like like sideways or hanging upside down, because it happens so quickly. And it's, it's in such a profound way that we may not have experienced it before. And so just really wanting to normalize, that can feel so wobbly for people. And so if there's anyone listening in there feeling like that, just knowing that so normal and absolutely is what I experienced as well myself. So before I became a mother, and I had always wanted to be a mother. But before I became a mother, I was working as a psychologist, I was working in a group private practice. Prior to that I had done some work in the government sector here in Australia. So I'd worked in drug and alcohol, I'd done psychiatric inpatient wards and things like that. And I really, I really enjoyed the work that I did. But when I became a mother, all of a sudden, I remember I had this like crises, multiple crises, but one of them was around my work because I was like, the thought of going back to do what I had been doing before, I was just like, I just can't think of anything worse. I've got this baby who I want to be around all the time, and I can't think of anything worse about then going back to doing the work that I was doing. And I had to go on a bit of a soul searched around that and figure out what that was because I've obviously committed so much of my life to developing myself as a psychologist. And so that felt really scary. And so that's one of the ways that there was an evolution happening in me, obviously, I still work in that space. But there was an evolution in terms of what I did in that space, who I saw who I worked with. And there was a need for me to get really clear on why I wanted to continue to doing this work if I was going to do that. But there was also evolution across other areas as well. So my relationship was one of the biggest sort of catalysts for me working in this space at all in terms of with mothers and in the perinatal space, because my, I remember before having kids feeling very solid in my relationship, in hindsight, I also can see so many things that were just not quite right, that we just didn't attend to. And like many people, you can get away with that before you have kids, because you've got so many options, and so many opportunities for dealing with that. So you can go and hang out with your girlfriends, you can take a holiday, you can do all sorts of avoidance of dealing with the actual issues that make and then you have a baby, and all of a sudden, you are reliant on one another in ways that you have never been before. And you can't just go on a holiday and you can't just go out and see your girlfriends and leave your baby have you there. And there's a need to look at what the issues are within a relationship once you have a baby in a very different way to before. And so that was hugely confronting for me. And we were newly married at that time, too. So we've been married a year. So that was hugely confronting. And that really was a lot of the beginning of me doing the deeper work on myself learning about mature essence, understanding about the dynamics within our relationships that were being affected by the experiences that we've had growing up as kids and things like that. So all of that work was really brought on by the relationship, difficulties that we had. And I went and did some training with the Gottman Institute. And that's how that began. That's how I figured out that this was the space that I wanted to work with, because I started to work with parents. And I started to work with couples who were in the process of like in the lead up to their birth. And it was through doing that work. And speaking with mothers that I went, Oh, this is what I love. This is what I love to do. And that was a lovely thing, because it brought me back into, okay, I know what my space is here, I'm not going to because I often talk about that. I had this period where I was like, I think I'm just going to give up my registration and I'm going to start selling baby clothes. There was just like, now I just think back to that. And I think oh, just those early months, and even years of just being so sleep deprived, and just being like, I have to do something. So this is what I'm going to do. But it was so lovely that I got to Yeah, just get back to the why and figure out why I do what I do, why became a psychologist why this matters to me. And now I am just so incredibly passionate about the work that I do. And I love my work. And I look forward to every client that I see. And every group I ran and all of that sort of thing. So yes, it's been a real evolution. And even now, I'm seven years deep in that as well. And so I have a seven year old and I have a four year old who's about to be five in a few weeks. And I just feel like the evolution is non stop, it is just constant. One of the things that the space that I'm at with my work is just that it's really, it's grown so huge, like my work. And I have so many different elements of my work now. And I'm really aware of the different phase that I'm in. I have some girlfriends who have new babies at the moment. And they're in that stage of being down at the beach with their babies or being at the park and meeting up together and stuff. And I just really had this grief almost, I remember when we used to have capacity for that my kids were younger, but now they're in school, so I'm just not doing that stuff anymore. And so there's a new phase for me happening at the moment as well. And part of that is is a change in who I am and an upgrade that feels so challenging in terms of my parenting skill as well because they're at different stages and doing different things. Yeah, it's just it's such an it's such a true in some ways, like thinking about how much change happens in this time. Yeah. And

Kelsey Smith 9:18

it's so interesting, because when you talk about your friends being in the season with their newborns and out at the beach, having fun and you missing that there's so many women in that season that are looking up to you and being like, oh my gosh, I just can't wait till my kids are in school. I'm gonna have more time for me, I'm gonna have more time to be able to just be more of my own stuff and every season brings pros and cons and challenges and blessings all in different ways. And I also love that you talked about how stepping into this in this way that felt so aligned for you was from your own experiences whether it was with your relationship with your partner or stepping into motherhood and I would love for you to do just talk a little bit about that transition a little bit more, because I have a feeling it didn't happen overnight, you didn't become a mom. And you're like, I know exactly what I meant to do and exactly how I'm supposed to make our relationship better. And all of these things, it was messy season this messy middle of getting to the right place. So how did you take the very first step, especially when it comes to knowing that you and your partner needed support? Was he on board and helping also? Or were you leading the charge? And what do you recommend to the woman that's maybe like, I see some issues, and I want to stop them before it's too late. How do they take action right away and take those baby steps?

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. I think all of what you're saying that is so valid. And I'll definitely answer those questions. And I just wanted to say, when you said, it didn't just happen overnight. Like that is just such an important part of the process that people need to understand. It's even making me think about so I run a group called the rebirth. And part of what we do in that group is in that integration weeks, people are able to talk to me directly to seek feedback and get like hotseat coaching. And we just had the first integration week. And one of the things that I noticed it's almost every single person who sent through a voicemail message for me, is asking, how do what are the tangible steps that I could engage in to get from A to B. And one of the things that I've been saying to people is, there's a theme that I'm hearing that everybody wants to get out of their discomfort. Everybody wants to know what the answer is what the recipe is to move from this point of distress and discomfort or uncomfortable feeling that you have in your body when you just know it's not quite right. But you don't know which step to take and move to the point where you're on the other side of that. And I think something that I have learned in my seven years of being a mother, which I had never learned up until that point is that the process of how you deal with that discomfort is a huge part of the whole learning experience. Like it's not just about getting from A to B, because what is b like B is constantly changing and evolving. And where I am right now, it's really interesting how you also spoke about people looking at me, maybe I'm thinking I can't wait to my kids are in school and all that sort of thing. I was that person, right? I was totally that person. And I'm also the person that now has so much grief about the fact that her four year old is going to be in full time school next year. And I'm like, I know what that means. Now, because I've had an older child that's done that it means that I don't get very much time with them throughout the week. And it's just like little pockets of time in the morning and right after school. And often at that point, they're tired and frazzled, and all the rest of it. So I'm not necessarily getting their best selves at that time, either. So it's, I absolutely was one of those people that was like, I can't wait to get to that point. And I think what I am continuously learning because it's not the end of anything for me, is that it's always about finding some of it, it's some of this process is about finding the joy in the time that you're in. And just being able to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, which is like people say to me, how do I do that? And I'm like, I can't answer that question for people because it's just your it's your own process. It's your own experience.

Yeah. And I think it really comes back to almost this gratitude. Like when you say how do people find that joy in the moment? I know, for me, it came from really being conscious of gratitude. And what I'm grateful for in the moment and saying, What am I grateful for today? What am I grateful for what I currently have, because it is so easy, especially on this podcast, we talk about women having goals, right? We're talking about where we want to go. And so often we can get so caught up in where we want to go that we're forgetting where we are is really great, too. And at one point, we probably wished for this. Yeah, absolutely, really unpacking as we ticked off talking about that ever evolving identity. And I find that it's such a blessing, to be able to say I get to become a new version of myself constantly. And so I want new things. I'm looking for new achievements, I'm looking to grow as a new person. But with that comes reminding yourself that the old version of you would have loved the things that you currently are achieving. Absolutely. Going back to the pieces with the partner, when you have these situations that come up, whether it's goals or something with your kids. There. It's so much easier when you feel like you have a teammate, right? Well don't feel like you have to do alone. And it's like everybody wants a teammate. So if someone doesn't feel like they have a teammate, what are some ways that they can just be a better teammate themselves to start rather than talking about how that person could be a better teammate? What are some ways that we could be better teammates to start?

Yeah, it's interesting you raise that because I think for me some Also, the other thing is that sometimes you can be in a partnership, right? And you can raise the things that you are less happy about the things that you want to improve, and maybe your partner isn't willing to come along, like in terms of maybe they're not willing to go to therapy and things like that. So I think that it is always important to consider what can we do for ourselves. And my biggest thing is, I think, if you if you're not quite at the point to go to therapy, or maybe you're not doing the self help books or anything like that, the first thing that we can start to do is to become really conscious about our own processes and about what it is that we're doing and what we're bringing into the relationship. So the things that bother you, in the relationship, spend time reflecting on that, and journaling on that spend time connecting to how it makes you feel in your body. And what shows up on a somatic level. Like the more insight you can get for about what is happening for you, and how you're receiving things from your partner, how you're making sense of what is going on between you and your partner, the more information you have as well to go, is there something that I can be doing? And what might those things be that could improve this particular situation in my relationship, but also like, I've been having a lot of these kinds of conversations at the moment, because I've got lots of people that contact me on social media. And I had an episode recently in my own podcast where we talked about what do we do when we have partners that don't actually want to do the work, who don't want to change who are unwilling? And my answer in that is always focus on yourself, and go and do therapy, if that's what you need to do to get clarity around what it is that you want to do with the relationship. So yeah, just because a partner doesn't want to go to therapy themselves, it's, that's not the end of the road in any way. It's iOS and like, in the day to day of that relationship. If things are not going well, we're likely to feel like our resources are being taken up by thinking about the relationship, and also by the stress response that relationship is causing for us. And it can influence our parenting as well as just our general well being. And I find that when me and my husband are struggling in our relationship, where we've got points of conflict, that during that time, I feel like my capacity as a mother is really compromised as well. And so that when that starts to happen when I start to get more snappy with the people around me or with my children, or I'm less tolerant about behaviors that otherwise I could manage, it's always a really good indicator for me that, okay, I need to spend some time feeling what I'm feeling, rather than just getting on with life. And maybe I need to return to therapy or bring things to therapy because I'm, personally I'm often in therapy anyway, because I think it's such an incredible preventative tool. So I really utilize that. And so that's one of the things that I do, I have my own therapist that I can talk to, so that I'm having an opportunity for someone to just hear me and so that I can speak and I can hear my own voice and I can hear what comes out of my mouth, and I can reflect and do that sort of process. So my big thing is always, what is it that you can do for yourself to get clarity around? What is happening in that relationship? And also, are we making sure that we are meeting our own needs. So that's the other big thing. And I think that Esther Perel often talks about one of the issues in sort of modern relationships being that we often look to our partner to fulfill every need that we have. And I think that becomes a whole nother level of challenge when we have young children in particular, because everyone's capacity now is lowered because there is more need in the family. And so I think it's really important for us to think about what are our needs? And if they aren't getting met there? Is it possible that they can be met through someone else? Do we need to call in friends? Or do we need to take more responsibility and go and meet some of those needs outside in terms of are we getting exercise do we need somatic work do we need to be and when I say massage, I actually really don't mean this in because I sometimes cringe. I don't mean this is body work. I'm talking about body work. And I'm talking about that from on a somatic level as well as of course, it can be really luxurious, and relaxing. But I really mean it like massage is a beautiful way of release for us if we're holding a lot of emotions, and if we go and meet those needs elsewhere, and we make sure that we are taking care of ourselves. And I often think about it from a re parenting perspective, too. I am making sure that I can recognize the needs that I have emotional and otherwise and I can be the mother that I need to make sure that those things are getting met, then it means I'm in such a better capacity to be in relationship with other people. Does that make sense? Like I'm not necessarily showing up from a place of depletion I'm showing up like I am. I have the inner child I have all these parts and I also have my integrated self my my healthy adult if people want to think about it like that is taking care of my needs and then I can show up in my full self when I come To relationship. So that's something I think really important to consider as well. And it's

like the sayings, they say, put your own oxygen mask on first, or you can't pour from an empty cup, right? You truly have to be able to allow yourself to figure out what you need. And often I hear people say, it's not that I don't want to ask for help, I don't even know where I need help. And I think that's really the same thing. It's really allowing yourself to have this moment of clarity or quiet, whether it's with a therapist or through body work or through you just really getting clear on what you need. Because otherwise, that partner can't show up for you in the way you want. Or your kids aren't going to be able to respond in a way that you're going to be receptive of just the love, you're going to only see the difficult parts of motherhood. So you really need to get clear on what that looks like. And outside of just being able to balance your emotions and where I this also shows up with your values and priorities, right? And we've been talking about identities, changing seasons of motherhood, and that totally affects our values and our priorities. How are some ways that you see women shift their values and priorities? Whether it's stepping into motherhood or the different seasons? And how does a mom even get clear on what those are not as a family, per se? We talk a lot about family values. And yeah, I have a couple episodes on that. But as an individual, how do you help guide a woman to figure out what her values are? Yeah.

And I think it's such an important thing. And I think that understanding, at least the basic sense of what our values are, is so important, because it helps to guide all of our behavior, and it helps to guide the steps we take in life. And I think that what can be really challenging about values work as well is that sometimes the values that we believe that we hold on actually our own values, they're the values that we are conditioned to believe that we need to hold as a result of the culture that we've been raised in. And so that's a really big part of the work that I do one on one, but also in my group program as well that I do, where I help women get a sense of what is it that you would be doing in your life, or what would give you meaning what would bring you joy, that isn't something like that would bring you that joy, whether or not people were watching. So if people were watching, if people weren't watching, if you didn't have to worry about judgment, I also often ask people to think about what was some times in your mothering, but also, before you were a mother, that really brought you just a deep sense of joy and a beat. And it's not even just joy. It's almost like contentment, like what experiences or what kinds of behaviors or what kind of pursuits brought that for you. And then we get to exploring about that. In terms of, okay, these may be the things that, that your values are grounded in, right that this is the stuff you were acting in alignment with your values. That is why you felt that way. And I think that you're right, when we do become mothers, our values change, of course, because now we have this other being who is here, who we value so deeply and who he takes the job of raising them into a balanced individuals so seriously, because it needs to be taken that way. And things absolutely do fall. And that can mean that for some people work and career is not a value anymore. Maybe what they are interested in is connecting that to. And this is something that I think shows up for me as well as connecting back to the kinds of things that brought them joy when they were younger. And I think kids are so incredible for that because they bring us back into that space. Not that dinosaurs and dragons and things like that are by value. But it is a really beautiful thing to be taken back into that young version of ourselves. And it can help us change our perspective. And even for me, like I used to do certain type of work as a psychologist and I became a mother and I was like, I can't think of anything worse than going back to that. And I think that when I think about the work that I'm doing now, one of one of my deepest values is all around, is it around integrity, is around being authentic, and is around sharing community, being in community with others. And that just shapes so much of the work that I do now It shapes how I do my work the way that I show up as a therapist in my one on one, the fact that I do group work. The fact that I ran a podcast where I talked to people about their experiences of being mothers like all of it has to do with it's so fueled by this desire. And then in my private life, it's the same like I spend a lot of energy maintaining relationships and making sure that I have contact with people in those relationships. So I often organize trips away with my girlfriends or lunches or things like that because that really That is to me, and I love telling my kids about that as well. So when they say things like, why are you going out without us? Can we come with you. And I'm like, it really matters for mom to have special time with her friends, because we talk about quality time in our family as special time. And so that's language that we use really important to me to have special time. And so that's something that carries over in a few different parts of my life, once I'm clear on what my values are. So Integrity, Authenticity, being a really big one, having closeness with my family. And something new that's really showing up for me is also since I've become a mother, and it's very different is the importance of vulnerability, and how I really see that as an absolute superpower now, and that is so different. And this is one of those, this is one of those values that I have learned that is that has had I describe it, it's a value that I've taken now, that is very different to before because the culture that I've grown up in, which is like a very patriarchal Western type culture tells me that vulnerability isn't a superpower. And that isn't something that should be shared. And so that's been a process. For me, in my experience of being a mother to say, actually, if I stick to that value set for my culture that says that this is an important, I'm actually really struggling, like, it means I'm struggling, it means I don't get to share the hard parts of my experience. And it means that the joyful parts are less profound as well. And so that's been a really big thing for me, like, I really talk about it as I'm in my software. And hopefully I stay there for a very long time. And I'm really loving that and I'm loving learning about who I am in this newfound softness. It's really beautiful.

I love that. And something that I found really helpful for me when I started questioning, like my values and my priorities. And what I wanted to focus on was almost like role playing and just more conversation around it. And you're talking about the importance of community and those conversations with your family about that time with your friends. What are some good conversation starters that a woman could leave this conversation today? And just prompt more of this conversation with her family or her partner? To help get clear on what their family priorities are their personal goals and values? What are some things that you encourage, either with your clients or with your own family to just say, Hey, is it important to you to do this? Or to do that? Or what are some things when you weigh this that help you figure that out?

Yeah, some of the questions that I often encourage mothers to think about around values, especially when we're talking about their mothering, because a lot of the moms that come to me are wanting to get to a place where they feel more confident in showing up as a mother in a way that may be different to what's expected of them that in terms of pressures that are coming from their family, or pressures, or that they just feel because of what they've been conditioned around what it means to be a good mother, for example. And one of the things that I often say to people is, when you're when your children are adults, and you're having a conversation with them, and they're telling you about what their experience was like being raised by you, what do you want them to say about that? How do you want them to remember you? What are the qualities that you want to that you want to have some sense about that they were instilled by the experiences and the lessons that you taught them. And I think that's going into the future. Because sometimes also, when we're thinking about the here, and now, because there's so much like newness, about the role, or the stage of mothering or life that we may be in, it can be really difficult and challenging to grasp on to the value system right now. But if we say in the future, if the outcome is that your kids say, my mom was there for me, but also so one of the ones that's really interesting that mothers always say to me is that they know that I cared for my own needs, like and they know that I valued myself, and that I taught my children to do that too. And that is really profound, because that is also what many mothers are not actually doing that they're actually in a space of self sacrifice and of martyrdom. And so it's really interesting then that when you ask them what it is that they want their kids to learn, through observing them, and through their interactions, that one of them is about knowing their own value and knowing how to create boundaries for their own to meet their own needs. And I think that's just so beautiful when I hear that. And so when we work in it in that way, it means we can work backwards from the from the long future ahead and say what would it look like today, for you to show up more in alignment with that kind of future that you're talking about? What is one thing that you could take up some more space in today? How will you prioritize you? How will you show your child that you matter not just as their mother but also as an individual as a woman. And so I find that really, really powerful. And I also do that in terms of couples as well. So that's a commerce. That's a question that a couple can engage in together. If there are mums listening, or dads or whatever listening right now that you can bring into conversation with your partner, and you can say, I heard this chip, let's have a think about that. What are the things that you want your our kids to remember about you? And then have that conversation together? And I think that when we do that with other people, actually, it's so much more potent, because they jump things in our mind that we may not have thought about for ourselves as well. So I think that's a really powerful thing, thinking about the future, what it is that you want to see there in forms, it tells us about the values that underlie that. And then we can work backwards and say, How does it look like to come up against that? What does it look like to be living in alignment with that value today? What's one small step and that's the other thing, right? Like small steps, this is how things are sustainable when we do things in small doses over a long period of time. That's how we get change.

Yeah. And I love that you cap it with the small steps. Because as you're talking, I'm thinking of two ways that I've seen people go about this. And even I have, where sometimes people book like a date with either their partner or themselves. And they make a whole experience out of it, of identifying your family vision, and your values and your dreams and all these things. And that's actually really fun and really beautiful, if that fits into your time and schedule. But we never want to put it off because that can't work. Or that doesn't work with where you're currently at. Because if your partner's not super receptive, or this is like the first time you've thought about what your values are, jumping into a big day of planning can be so overwhelming. So taking just like the small little steps of being like, hey, if I were to pick one value of the month, this is what I think would be fun. For me personally, like, again, starting with you first, like not jumping into your whole family and being like, we are going to embody kindness this month. That's great. If that works, and they're on board. But if they're not, if they're not just like coming from you first and being like, hey, this month, I've been thinking a lot about kindness, or what is it mean? Like you said with your other example? What does it mean to take care of me first, this month, I'm focusing on taking care of me first, is there anything you guys want to do to take care of yourselves? And just like putting the question out there, but not being like, this is a value, and we're gonna make sure that we stand behind it. Because if that's your energy, I can feel like that's the right way to be like, No, we're gonna get on track as a family. But it can also be detrimental if you go that route. So I love that you say like small steps of just being like, Okay, what would it look like to take care of me today? Yeah, and can I encourage those around me to take care of them too? Or can I just show up for myself? And then they'll just be witnesses? And how are they showing up for me? So I think that is so good. Yeah.

And I also would say that when you talk about that it can be detrimental, if we go too hard on it is also just one of the things that we need to always be keeping in mind in life in general, but especially I think, in this mothering database, or parenting space is the concept of flexibility. Like we really, yeah, we need to be flexible, so we can have our values. And what is going to happen because we're human is that we're going to sometimes not be in alignment with those values. And I think that compassion is so important that those times as well, understanding that we're human, that we make mistakes that we can tomorrow, we can try harder at getting in line with that value around our parenting, maybe we responded in a way that we didn't like or whatever. So I think as you're saying, not being so rigid about how we go about this process is important. Because with anything in life, when you go too hard, like too much of anything and a good thing, right. So just making sure that we have enough flexibility there to allow self compassion to come through when we maybe fall short of being in alignment with those values, or when our children do because that's the other one, right? Like, we may have our plan, and our kids have their own plan, having that flexibility in there to allow a bit of a buffer for that. Yeah.

In this has been such good conversation, so many points. And we all know that life in general. And then adding motherhood and being a woman all as a layer on to that the mental load is really heavy. So for the woman that's listening, and she's like, gosh, just prompted so many things in my brain. And I have so many things I want to implement for myself and my family. What is one thing they could do today you were talking about how even the women in your community want this one step but maybe it's not to remove yourself from a problem. But just to get more clear on what is next for you as a woman or how to step into those thoughts a little bit more, get more clarity. What is one exercise? Maybe it's a journal prompt or one thing they could do today?

Yeah, look, I think the one thing that that many women need to do more of is actually just get present with the moment to moment experience. And that could be in terms of on a spiritual level, it could be in terms of a somatic level. So what's happening in their body, and it could be in terms of a mental level in terms of what is the thinking that is happening right now. I think that for mothers in particular, we are so focused, and understandably so on meeting the needs of other people. And some of that is because the need is truly there. And some of it has to do with the expectations that we have of ourselves. And what does happen is we lose track of what our own needs are. And I think that when we're talking about goal setting, this maybe a loftier goals for the future. I think it's harder to do that when you don't even know what your own needs are moment to moment. And so my biggest point for women, in terms of reclaiming some space for themselves, or getting to know more about who they are in this very moment right now is about just taking opportunities to check in with ourselves throughout the day. And it sounds so simple, but it makes a huge difference. I remember for myself, when I really was trying to make a habit out of this actually set an alarm in my phone a couple of times a day, where it just said body checking, and I still have some folks, some alarms going off. One of them is about drinking water, because it's my ongoing challenge. And another one is my breath practice. So I have reminders that go off throughout the day around breath practice, as well. But the body checking is a big one. So that is like where we just maybe it's first thing in the morning, midday and in the afternoon or evening, where we take a moment, take a breath and just tune just go inward and say, What am I feeling right now in this moment? So that could be in my feelings? Like what? Name those feelings in your body? Is there a sensation that you notice? So I remember in the early days, when I used to do this, it was like, I haven't been to the toilet all day. Like just really basic stuff like that, or I didn't eat lunch today. And we just it's just it's simple stuff like that. And it's like, on a this is the small minut level that I'm talking about that we need to take steps. So taking those opportunities to connect with your body. What do I need right now? What is the feeling I have? What's the inner dialogue that's happening right now? Is there a part that is really standing out inside me right now that needs attention? Right? If we take opportunity to do that, throughout our day, it's going to make it easiest to be easier rather to be in alignment with our values, it's going to be easier to show up as a mother in the capacity that we want to and we're going to be better partners. But most importantly, we're going to be more aligned with ourselves and what we need on a moment to moment basis. So I call those body check ins. I think lots of people probably talk about it in that way. So I would love to offer people who are listening the the opportunity to start to implement something like that it's so simple in their lives. And it's really just a it's a reflective process. Right? It's like journaling. But on the run. Yeah. What is it that's happening for you right now. And then if you want to extend that practice you can take to journaling, which I think is so profound, like the stuff that comes out. And it's not necessarily I don't have a particular prompt, although you could follow that same lead of those body check ins, which is what is present for me right now. And just write freely on that. And allow all the emotions to come out if it's anger, with that anger, say whatever you need to say and get it all out. So that's that's my process. That's the beginning point. For me. I think if people are looking for a place to start, that's where I'd send them.

Yeah, and so good, because all you need is yourself, right? You don't need anything else. But I do love setting the timer so that you can hold yourself accountable. Yeah, I have one last question for Yara. But before we do that, can you please tell me where everyone can find you the best places for people to connect with you and get into your world?

Yeah, definitely. You can find me on Instagram. And my handle is life after birth psychology. And then I also have a website which is life after birth.com.au. And I also do have a podcast which is life after birth with Yarra so you can find me at all those places. I'm quite active over on social media. And I love connecting with the community this if you ever want to reach out and go ahead, I love that. Yeah,

mazing and really bringing us full circle. We're talking about the ever evolving identities. And I'd love to know just what is exciting this version of you and what is a goal that you're currently working on something that you're pursuing that whether it's your current identity or the next one coming that you're just like really eager to get going.

Yeah, I think what we talked about before what's really exciting me is this next phase of my business because next year obviously my daughter will be in full time school and that is going to be such a game changer for me around the capacity that I have for holding space for clients but also I am really loving over the last two years the group where that I have started to do. So that's both in the in my coaching program. I also run mentorship group for therapists as well. And coming soon will be a membership, which is for mothers but isn't is a bit different to other memberships. It's I'm trying to create a space where it's like an online gathering space like a women's circle, but online and it just goes on throughout the year. And it's just a space for people to have those things that are so important to me, which is connection and community and a space to let out whatever they need to let out. And so I'm really excited about what that is going to look like the next year. I'm excited how my working schedule is going to look next year. But at the same time I'm tempering that with a don't need to jump into all the things straightaway I get to give myself that grace of having some flow into that and allowing that to develop organically. But yeah, it's exciting and can't wait to seeing what's ahead.

So awesome. Thank you so much, Yara for being here. I can't wait for everyone to dive into more with your podcasts and before you jump off of listening as soon as we end this if you're listening in right now I just want you to hear what you are said and take a moment right after this ends to do a body check in how are you feeling? How are things going? So I'm gonna leave you guys with that. And we will chat to you your story and what you have to offer this world builds me up. I want to meet you join me on Instagram at this is Kelsey Smith. And let's create a ripple effect for mamas with goals together is better