Why You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore: The Real Process of Transformation

Artwork for podcast Spirit Sherpa ~ Spiritual Growth for Spiritual Entrepreneurs

Episode 273 • 2nd October 2022 • Spirit Sherpa ~ Spiritual Growth for Spiritual Entrepreneurs • Kelle Sparta | Spiritual Coach and Business Coach

Hey, y'all. I'm Jules. Welcome back to another episode of Spirit Sherpa, the show that helps and encourages you on your journey to unlock your magic mojo. With me, as always, is the spirit doctor, Kelle Sparta. Hey, Kelle, what's up? Hey, Jules. It is pouring cats and dogs here, but, you know, that is nothing new.

That- It is the rainy season- It's right on time ... and will be for quite some time, yes. Eight months out of the year, so. Oh, man. And so the dog's doing his pacing ritual there? Yeah. Well, he's... You know, he's laid down, so it's just raining. It's not thundering yet, so he's all right. He only freaks out when it, it starts to thunder.

And, you know, to be honest with him, I am not... I don't really blame him. Some of the thunder here is the loudest thunder I've ever heard in my entire life, and it just goes kaboom. And you're like, "Fuck. What the hell just happened, man?" Yeah, so yeah. I can't blame him on that. Although, he has actually calmed down, uh, from where he was when we were in Richmond.

He's much more calm in thunderstorms now. I think it's 'cause they happen almost every day. So, you know, it's either get used to it or have a heart attack, you know? It's like there's no real getting around it, so yeah. But yeah, so we're, we're two for one. Yeah. And well, today we had, um, a fabulous day down here in Louisiana.

We had a cool front that came in, and it was 65 degrees this morning as opposed to 117. Yeah. Yeah, that was crazy. So it heated up today. I think the high was, like, 89, 90, which is so much nicer- Yeah. ... um, you know, than what it has been. To me, that's unbearable, but yeah. There's a reason I live in the mountains.

Yeah. I don't blame you there. If it gets up to 80 here, I'm like, "Wah, too hot, too hot." Yeah. So if I've ever had a reason to lose some weight, it's, it's being here in the humidity and the heat. It's like I need less insulation. I need it badly, you know? So, so you're self-adjusting. Yeah. I, I have. I've dropped, like, 10 pounds just being here.

It's like I'm, I'm s- I, I think I sweat it all out, to be honest, but you know, just, just because, you know, I'm eating fresh fruit and I'm walking more and I'm sweating more and, you know. So they... Pretty much everybody says they lose weight just moving here. So I don't know what the deal is. I need to look into that then.

Yeah. Go for it. Uh, come on down. I come on down. Right. Oh, my God. So today, we are gonna be talking about, um, the elements of transformation and what to expect. Yes. You know, it's been a while since we've talked about this. We, we've been sort of way off in, in doing a whole bunch of other things here and there.

And, you know, the core of the work that I do in the world is transformation. And I use magic to support it, but, you know, transformation is my bag. And I'm like- You know, I haven't talked about that a long time. I might wanna think about talking about it again. So here we are. Uh, if you're old and you've been around for a long time, not, not in age, but in, you know, podcast time, if you've been here since the beginning, and, and for some of you, that's not old.

I, I, I keep hearing people, we've, we're at, like, episode... What number episode are we now? Like two- Uh, this is number 273. 273. Holy crap, right? We're in episode 273, and I, I'm, uh, I keep hearing from people when I, when I talk to them, they're like, "Oh yeah, I've, I've binged the whole thing in the last month." And I'm like, "What?

In a month." I'm like, now that is some commitment right there. And so- Ooh, there's some overachievers there. Good lord. Yeah. Yeah, there's some people in the Netherlands right now who are doing this. You know how I know that? Because I am charting in the Ne- Netherlands for the first time in the last two days, and I'm, like, number 16 in spirituality in the Netherlands with...

That's what we're doing right now. Um, this podcast is at number 16. And so that means somebody in the Netherlands is downloading all of the freaking episodes, right? It's like, bang. 'Cause we went from not charting at all to being number 16 in Apple Podcasts for the Netherlands. So, so whoever you are, thank you.

Thank you. Hello. We love you. And, and tell your friends. Tell your neighbor.

We're gonna keep the party going. Yeah. So, you know, it, so you may, you may not even have been here that long, but if you c- starting from the beginning, you'll have heard some about transformation is basically what that comes down to. And so we're gonna talk about it, uh, but we're gonna talk about it in a different way today.

There's, like, 100 different ways to look at the transformational process and the, about what you need for transformation. And because so many people are going through foundational deconstruction right now, I mean, it is rampant right now. There's so many people... And, and for the record, foundational deconstruction is the, the act of upleveling your identity.

It's literally pulling out the foundation of who you believe yourself to be, sitting on the fallow ground of, "I don't know who the fuck I am," and waiting for the new foundation to emerge from the ground and say, "This is, this is who you actually are." And resisting the urge, resisting the urge to go out and find the foundational stones and shove them in the ground because you think you know who you are, because you don't.

You, the person you believe yourself to be is the person you have been conditioned to believe yourself to be by your parents, by your family, by your friends, by your community, by your country, by your language, by everything you've ever experienced. It is not who you actually are. And so the emergence of self is the piece that we have the hardest time with.

And so this is what so many people are going through. They're going, well, you know, I mean, you're seeing it all the time in, in the Great Resignation, in the quiet quitting, in the fuck this, I'm out stuff that's going on, right? And it's I refuse to buy into the cultural programming that says that this is what I should want out of life, is basically what that's saying.

When you do that, there is a great chance that you are also going to say, "I refuse to buy into what other people or who other people have told me I am And when you do that, suddenly life gets a little more complicated because you're going, "Okay, so if I'm not that person, then who am I?" And you don't really know because you've been out of touch with that person for a very long time.

I mean, if you think about it, as children, we come in and we are who we are, right? But then, you know, "Don't do this, don't do that, don't do the other thing. Be this way. That... Boys are this way, girls are that way," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? All the garbage gets installed, much of it, most of it, before we are at the age of reason to be able to say, "Do I want this or not?"

Right? "Is this good for me or not?" Right? And so this is how we end up neurotic. But, you know Magic's real. No, it's not. Oh, yes it is. Unicorns are real. No, there's not. Dragons are real. No, it's not. I see Grandpa. No, you don't. He's dead. He's dead. But, uh, but he's sitting right there. But he's right there. Right, yeah.

He's, he's right... That, "Mom, there's a vortex in my room." And, "No, there's not." "Yeah, there actually is." "There are monsters under my bed." "No, there's not." So there's all kinds of stuff. And so, uh, you know, this is what's going on right now, is foundational deconstruction for everybody. And so, um, I wanna talk about the elements of transformation, but I also wanna couch them and frame them in the, the language of foundational deconstruction because, uh, in, or in the framework of that because that's what I'm seeing so many people going through, right?

And so let's talk about the elements, right? So the, the, the very first piece is the awareness that you need to change something because change doesn't happen unless you know that you need to make it happen, right? Or unless it's forced upon you from the outside, but then, then there's massive resistance and all sorts of other fun stuff.

We're gonna talk about this from a conscious internal job process, so I'm not gonna talk about external change, okay? So the first thing is you have to be aware that you need to make change. That's step one. Step two is you have to be willing to question the beliefs that got you there, you know, the beliefs, the assumptions, you know, all of the behaviors, everything, right?

And then that also includes, however, questioning who you think you are. So all the beliefs that I've, that I think that I, "This is my belief", it actually might not be my belief. It may have been, I'll say, thrust upon me, you know, with, with everything growing up. So, so unicorns are real. No, they're not. So, so now as an adult, I believe unicorns are not real, you know, they're just, they, they're my imaginary friend growing up.

When come to find out, poof, they're there. Okay. So, and, and, you know, it can be anything from mundane beliefs of, you know, you know, rich people are evil to magical beliefs of, you know, unicorns don't exist, right? Um, you know, anywhere in between. You know, money makes you bad. You know, there's all kinds of things, you know, if we're, we're doing that.

There's all kinds of day-to-day beliefs that you also have to question, right? You know, you gotta work hard, you gotta... So it's better to give than to receive. These are, these are foundational beliefs that form a mindset, and I, I'm, I said money multiple times because the vast majority of my listeners are in the US.

And so the US has a really cracked perspective of, uh, deifying productivity, and so this idea that we have to be productive in order to have value and worth, that doesn't exist anywhere else in the world. It's only in the US. It is a completely twisted perspective of personal value, okay? But this is how culture plays into it, right?

And there are some other cultures, uh, that, you know, a lot, several, mm, I don't wanna say a lot, but, but some of the Asian cultures are family first. The individual doesn't matter. Family and community matter And so that's its own sort of dynamic as well, right? I, I can say that the US is fucked up because I am from the US, but I'm not gonna pass judgment on other people's stuff, right?

But, but everybody's got their own things, and they, the, the belief structures are set up to support the culture that they're in. And so you have to recognize that having been raised in whatever culture you're raised in, you were raised with, with underlying assumptions and belief that- beliefs that that culture inculcated into you.

And then you have familial belief structures that your family line has these stories that run through the family line that were built into you. And, you know, y- these are the things that you have to recognize as you start to get conscious about your personal evolution, that these are things that are, are...

This is the software that came installed with your childhood, right? And so as we get further along in life and we're digging out the bugs that were created by the trauma, right, then once we get past the trauma bugs, now we've gotta look at how do we upgrade the software, right? And so, um, you know, when we're looking at this, that's sort of a, a way to look at it, right?

So you have to start to question everything, and that leaves people going, "Oh, I don't know. Da, da, da," right? Um, but it's part of it, right? And so, you know, you do it a stage at a time, right? You don't do it all at once because that'll fuck with your head. Uh, but what that means is that you have to be willing to let go of the person that you used to be or the person that you are right now.

You can't be attached to being this person. That means... And this takes us back to the episode on pride, right? Pride goeth before a fall, right? Pride is about I am who I am, and, ah, look at me, I'm s- I like this person, and I'm attached to this person, and I am proud of who I have become, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?

But the problem is, is that when you attach yourself to the pride of who you've become, then you, you limit yourself from becoming anything more. You kind of stu- stunt your growth because you're stuck in that belief, and you could actually be, be something else even greater than that which you are currently.

But you can't see the forest for the trees because you're stuck in that- Limiting belief Exactly. And the further you go in your process, the harder it is to see your own limiting beliefs and your own assumptions, because assumptions are not visible to you because they're at, they're at an unconscious level, right?

So we assume that we're not gonna float up off the ground because we assume gravity's gonna work, okay? How often have you thought of gravity in your life? Almost never, right? Correct. Yeah. So that's an assumption. And so when your assumptions are limiting you, how often are you gonna become aware of them?

Almost never. You have to see assumptions in reflection. They, they're only seen in reflection. They're only seen in, my outcomes aren't working. Why are my outcomes not working? What's the pattern of things that happen where my outcomes don't work? Okay, these are the patterns. What, what are my beliefs? What do I assume is gonna happen that isn't happening?

Or what am I... You know, what is all of this? There's, there's questions to ask yourself in there, right? D- does that also bleed into, like for an example, one of the things that I was brought up with, you know, that you can trust family. And you know, as long as they're blood related, it's like, oh, that's family.

You always give them the benefit of the doubt that they're not gonna screw you over. You know? So- Poor people ... exactly. So would that be, like it's, it's assumed, oh yeah, Johnny, he really does need the money. He's not just, you know, looking for a handout. He really needs the money, or they wouldn't lie to me, that kind of thing.

So would, does that include those type of assumptions also? Yeah. It is, it is all assumptions. It's, it's all, you know, definitions, right? Any, the- there's a reason, and you've been through my programs now, and so you know that there's a whole section where we define h- define core words because those definitions form, because they are part of our language, and our language forms the way we think- The way we define core terms defines the way that we think.

And so if your term definitions are tweaked or co- internally inconsistent, then you have problems that you won't ever be aware of because nobody ever sits down and defines core words in their day-to-day life, right? These are the sorts of things that you have to start doing if you want to really do a higher level of personal transformation.

And when we're talking foundational deconstruction, this is a really high-level personal transformation process, okay? It, it says, "I've dealt with the things that are, that are freaking me out and shutting me down on a regular basis, and now I'm ready to question a deeper level of myself and, and be able to evolve that part of myself."

Which is... E- evolve is sort of a weird word because it's not really an evolution. It's It's more of an uncovering of self. It's that, um, Cathy tells the story about the artesian well. Have I told that here? I can't remember, but- I can't remember, so we'll refresh it. We'll start- Anyway, we're gonna tell it again Yes.

So Cathy tells the story of we're all an artesian well, which means that we're a spring, right? We, we have water that comes flowing forth from us on a regular basis without, uh, without needing a pump or anything else. We are a font of spirit and, and happiness, as- We're oozing ... we are. We are oozing joy, yes, and unconditional love.

And what happens is, over the course of our lives, garbage gets thrown in the well, and it gets thrown in the well to the point where the well is no longer producing water because the w- the garbage is holding it down. And then the only water that's in the well is the rainwater that can- collects on top of the garbage.

And so you feel like you have a lack of joy and a lack of unconditional love because you have lost access to the font of it and are now living off of the rain, okay? And so this process is literally pulling the garbage out of the well, right? But the, the first thing you have to do is begin to recognize that the water that you see on the top is not you, right?

The water you see on top is the rainwater that you've carefully collected and hoarded trying to get by. Okay, so I'm going through my everyday life, and I'm just, I have this rainwater that I think is actually me, but it really isn't because I have all this crap underneath that I've forgotten is there, not really paid attention to, so I gotta clean out all that crap.

Okay, so, so I have to be a- aware that I need to change something. You know, s- something's go- something's got, something's gotta give sometime. Um, then willing to question what I think I know about all these things 'cause I really don't know what I think I know, but I don't know that I don't know them. I almost- Say that one three times fast.

Yeah.

All right, so then how, so then what would be the, the next part of that? You have to be willing to let go of that, that assumption about yourself, that belief about yourself, that identity, right? And then the next piece is choosing who you wanna be. Well, how do I know who I wanna be? There's a question now, isn't it?

So I, I often look at this as a way of saying, "Okay, um, how would I feel if..." Right? Because we often have b- value systems that have been placed upon us, right? So our parents in particular are really good at giving us value systems. Churches, religious institutions, amazing at giving us value systems, and we buy into them because we want approval.

And we say, "Okay, I want your approval. I will live this way." The problem is that they may not be our values So now I'm, now I'm trying to live up to somebody else's values Well, so inevitably you will live your life by your values. Okay? The problem isn't living your life by your values, because that's gonna happen.

The problem is not judging yourself by someone else's. Yeah, so this is about getting in touch with your values and acknowledging that you're going to live your life by your values, and looking at it and saying, "Okay, well, this is, you know, I may not... I may be mad at myself for having, you know, quit this job that my parents said was such a good job and they were so excited for me to have and whatever.

But I was miserable at it and, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I mean, I've talked about this before, my dad's idea of, you know, if you're unhappy at your job, you suck it up and you, you double down and you just make it work. And my idea is if you're miserable at your job, you quit it and find a better job, you know?

And we just could not see eye to eye on that, no matter what. He said, "You know, see? You just have no commitment, no stick-to-itiveness." And I said, "See? You're committed to misery," you know? And, and so, you know, it was, it was an inherent mismatch in the value structure, right? And, you know, a lot of this is also a function of the times, right?

So, you know, Dad lived through the Vietnam War and the draft and all of this stuff, right? And in, in his day, things were different than they were for me growing up. There was no internet. There was no, you know, a lot of things that, that shaped my existence. You know, he had a two-parent household. It was, it was not a great household, but it was there, right?

And I had a single-parent household. And so, you know, that's an inherent difference. And, you know, just all sorts of pieces and parts. He had a sibling; I didn't. That's enough to be a difference, right? So these are things that, that we have to acknowledge when we see that there are differences in values, right?

But inherently, if you're doing foundational deconstruction, you need to be looking to your values, not to the values of your parents or your church or your culture or whatever. You need to look at your values and say, "What do I think is important? What do I feel I want from my life? You know, is my definition of success the same or different than the cultural definition of success that exists around me?"

Right? And then, you know, really dig into that and really be with your values. And rather than... I, I probably said this badly, the choosing who to be, because it's really not about choosing who you're gonna be. It's about living your life according to your values. If you can define your values, if you can be clear about what you believe in and who, uh, uh, about what you believe in and what's important to you, that defines who you will be.

Because if you live acco- in accordance with those values, that determines who you become, right? And so each, each choice you make in life needs to be in alignment with those values. It's like, okay, so I believe in being kind to others. Okay, well, I'm not gonna kill anyone today, right? That's- Some days are more challenging than others.

Well, yes. But, you know. But in general, we don't do that, right? In general, I'm not gonna kill anyone. I believe in, in freedom. Freedom is a big thing for me, so I'm not gonna commit a crime that's gonna get me put in jail, right? Freedom's huge for me, right? I'm, I'm... I believe in, uh, having everything that I need.

I believe that the universe, uh, takes care of me, so I'm not gonna live in fear, right? I'm gonna live in expectation that my charmed life is gonna bring me what I need, right? And I'm not gonna fret about it, because this is who I believe, and this is what I believe You, these are different pieces and parts, right?

But that's the general concept. Make sense? Yes. Okay. So the next piece is commitment, and this is where a lot of us fail, and it's because we live in an ADD world, and we live in a world of uncertainty, and I don't know if I can do that or not. I'll let you know later, right? It's the... Especially in the New Age community, I gotta say it's one of the biggest flaws in the New Age community is just this tendency to go, "Well, if it feels right to me, I'll show up."

You know? Yeah. I'm just, I'm not feeling that today, so we're just gonna do something else. Right. Um, when, you know, five people have depended upon you for that and whatever, right? And it's like, hmm, yeah. So there's a... And, and, you know, some things you can do that with. You know, if it's like, "Oh, I, I'm gonna go to the beach today.

Hmm, I don't feel like going to the beach today." You know? "Okay, I'm gonna do something different," right? No big deal, right? But it's, it's the, it's the lack of commitment to a process. It's the flitty, flitty, Lulu thing, right? It's the he, he, he, he, he, he, he. A lacking, lacking grounding and, and l- uh, commitment to things.

If you flit around, it's... Here's the thing. Flitting around, there's nothing wrong with flitting around when there's no, no goal in mind, when there's no purpose, right? If your only purpose is to have a good time, flitting around is perfect, okay? There, there's a time for everything, and having a good time, being in your bliss, m- having a, a, you know, being in the moment, whatever, all of that, great for flitting around.

Great for just going with the flow and feeling into the energy of the space and being with it. Fabulous. If you're trying to get somewhere, you need to ground. You cannot live up in Flitland if, if you're trying to get somewhere. And especially if you're trying to do your own work because when you do your own work, you're gonna hit resistance.

And flit land is basically the same thing as ADD squirrel land, and that is an avoidance resistance which will keep you from getting where you're going by going, "Squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, squirrel, bright, shiny. Hi. Hi." Hi. "Hi. Hi. Mine. Mine. Mine," right? Yeah. It's like that, right? So- I'll worry about it tomorrow.

Yes. And so that's why- ... commitment's important, is you have to say, "I'm choosing this. I'm choosing it every day no matter what. It is a come hell or high water commitment." Okay? Until I have a reason to seriously reconsider this decision, I will not. Okay? It's, it's the same thing that people do when, like, you're gonna i- you do your New Year's resolution to go to the gym every day, right?

Yeah. And people usually make it two, three days, right? And then they're like, "Oh, I'm tired. I'm gonna sleep in," right? You know, the, i- i- to commit, you literally have to not give yourself permission to not do it. Okay? That's what commitment is, is I give... I don't give myself permission to not do this. I must do this every day, come hell or high water, no matter what, and I don't break the commitment to myself, right?

And so I literally don't give myself permission to think about not doing it. Because the moment you give yourself to, permission to think about not doing it, then, then all bets are off. You're screwed. Right? The moment you give yourself permission to consider it, you're, you're done. You're done. Yeah.

You're done. Right. Like, nope, we're doing this. We are not having the discussion about why not to do it. That is not happening. And commitment creates consistency, which is the next piece. Consistency is required. You have to make the same choice over and over and over again in order to get where you wanna go.

Think of it like walking from California to Maryland, right? If you keep changing direction every 30 seconds, you're never getting to Maryland, right? So you gotta stay on course. You pick the path, and you commit to the path. You take consistent forward action to the path. You don't walk backwards. You don't swirl off in a sideways direction.

You keep going, right? That's consistency. And you, and you don't let the distractions distract you. Yes. You don't stop and go, "Oh, I'm tired. Maybe I'll just sit here. Maybe I'll just sit here." That's how you end up in Kansas. Yes. Yes, Dorothy. End up in Kansas. Yes. So, um, no, no offense to those in Kansas, but Kansas is very flat.

So it's very long. I was driving cross-country. I was trying to get to Colorado. I went across Kansas. I'm like, "Goddamn, this, this state never ends." So... And it's all flat, and there's nothing but tumbleweeds, and I'm just like, "Shit, man." All right. So no offense to Kansas, but that was my personal trauma, so I apologize.

Okay. But you kept going, and you made it. But I kept going, and I got to Colorado. You did not veer off. I did not veer off. I did not pass Go. I did not collect $200. Yes. That's it. That's it. Oh my God. So, um, and then here's, here's the hard part Okay? And, and so all the- Wait, we haven't gotten to the hard part yet?

This is all the hard part, yeah. Are you kidding me right now? Oh my God. Hold on, kids. It's about to get- Okay ... a little bumpy. Yeah. So the, these last two pieces are the, are the hard part, right? Which is a willingness to be with uncertainty. I don't know who the hell I am. Who the hell am I? I don't know. I'm not sure, right?

And discomfort, because the discomfort will be physical at times. I have literally had the sense of, like, feeling like ants were crawling all over my body, I was so uncomfortable, right? You have to be willing to be with it and use it as fuel for your change, rather than trying to dissipate it, which is what most of us do when we get uncomfortable.

In fact, it's what we're trained to do. If you watch American TV shows and movies, what happens when someone's unhappy or sad? What are you supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? Uh, they'll- Yeah ... I'ma grab a friend- Call folks ... and, yeah, yeah. Go, go get, go get help. Really? Are you actually getting help? No, we're just talking about it and going around in a circle until I feel better about it.

Is that what you see in movies? What I see in movies is, let's go drink and/or eat, eat our feelings with ice cream. Oh, well, that too. Yeah, yeah. Same, so, okay, see, I left that part out. Yeah. While I'm sitting there and I'm telling Kelle all my problems, we're eating ice cream, and then afterwards we're drinking some wine.

Yes. So, you know. Yes. Well, I am anyway. Well- So ... we're, we're eating our feelings, and we're drinking- Yes ... to numb out. That is what we're taught to do, which is dissipating the energy of change. Okay, so I'll worry about it tomorrow. And it, and which, and, oh my gosh. So- I'm, I'm gonna du- I'm gonna numb out and not, and, and not pay attention to my feelings by drinking Or I'm gonna eat my feelings and I'm gonna try and compensate for my misery with my sweet, yummy ice cream, right?

It's, it's a, it's a way in which we dissipate the cognitive dissonance of the thing that has put us in upheaval inside. And the upheaval that is inside of us is the fuel to change if we don't dissipate that energy. If instead you use that energy, and you've seen this happen, you've seen this happen with people who have broken up with a, a bad boyfriend or a, you know, a, a abusive husband or, you know, whatever, right?

Where they've gotten out of the relationship and they have suddenly just changed their entire freaking lives, and they're a totally new person. Those are people who took the f- the discomfort, the uncertainty, the stirred up-ness, and used it as fuel to make change in their lives. They said, "No more" to the thing that had been before.

They used all of that upset to say, "No more" to that, and to choose a new path and to become a new person in the process of choosing the new path. Yep. I actually have, I actually have, have a friend who is going through that and, and it was interesting, 'cause I said, "Well..." She's like, "I don't know what to do."

I'm like, "Well, what do you like to do?" She says, "I don't know what I like to do 'cause we always for 20 years did what he liked to do." I said, "Well, guess what? This is a awesome opportunity. Sign up for an art class. Go d- you know, paint and drink wine, the class thingies. You know, sh- sign up for chef school. I don't care.

Go do dance classes. See what you like to do." And this, it, her eyes were like a deer in headlights, 'cause she was like, "Oh my God, I can choose me." I'm like, "Oh my God, yes. Yes." So, it's so cool. And it changes everything. It changes everything, right? But culturally, we're taught not to use that energy. Culturally, we're taught to dissipate it, and that's how we stay stuck where we are, is because everything we see in the media says, "Eat your feelings and drink your, your numbness."

So this is a complete 180 from that. It's take all of that stirred up energy and use it. Use it to declare that your life will be different. Use it to put a line in the sand that says, "This far and no further for, for your bullshit over there," right? "I'm not putting up with that shit anymore. I am not being this person anymore.

I am choosing me," right? Whatever it is, but, but use it instead of lose it. I like that one, use it instead of lose it. I like that one. Now, would this be the same, same thing? The dissipation is like, let's say there's a family dynamic where, you know, it's a family belief structure you've been taught since you were little.

You just don't get divorced, that we- we're, we're a so-and-so such-and-such family. Divorce, we just don't do that. You have to make your husband happy no matter what, or wife, whatever the thing is. And, and so all of that. So it's like, okay, here's Sue over here. She's like, wants out. She's built up all this energy, but then it's like, "Oh, Jess, it's fine."

So now she develops, you know, probably very bad habits to try and cope and dissipate that energy, when really if she would act on it, you know, get herself out and really be true to her authentic self Right? But the, the, the, and this is a great example because this is an example of, uh, the family defining the person.

You have a choice to be the married person that we approve of, no matter how miserable you are, or the black sheep of the family who ruined our perfect score in staying married, right? And they are pr- they're providing you with personal definitions from a familial context, and you buy into the idea that you have to choose between those two things, and those are not your only choices.

Yep. I see it down at the, excuse me, bridal shop whenever she's like, "Well, Mom wants- she always dreamed of me being a princess." "Well, what do you want?" "I don't know, but I can't get a gown unless Mom approves." You know, that whole thing. It, it's, it's all of that. You know, a lot of that is true. You know, the, you know, the mothers gave up their vision so that their mothers could have the wedding of their dreams, and now they expect their daughters to do the same thing.

Do the same thing 'cause it's, it was done, and it was a, it's a- That's how it's done. Well, maybe not. Maybe you just got screwed, you know? That's just what... Maybe that's not how it should be done, and you should be the loving parent and let them break the cycle and have what they want 'cause it is their day, right?

Yeah. Uh, but, you know, these are the things that we go through and, and families are the worst, right? Because they love to define us, especially parents who are like, "Oh, you're my little five-year-old." It's like, "No, I haven't been five in 50 years," you know? It's like, "Maybe, maybe you could update your definition of me just a little bit," right?

Just a little bit. But it's their definition, not my definition. So we're, we're gonna break those chains that bind. And we gonna transform, and that's awesome. And- And so as you're going through foundational deconstruction, which a lot of us are right now, and, you know, part of that is because of the pandemic, and we went through the fur- forced hermitage, which was initiation.

Whether you l- wanna believe it or not, it was an initiation. And that process of initiation brought us into relationship with ourselves because so much of American culture in particular is designed to keep you from paying attention to you. And smartphones have made it even worse because we're constantly in our screens, right?

It's like, "Oh, I'm gonna binge Netflix for the next six hours so I don't have to think about my life. I'm gonna be in my screen and doom scroll on Facebook for the next 20 hours because I, you know, other people's misery or happiness is better than looking at me," right? That's what we've been trained to do culturally for generations, but it's so much worse today than it was 20 years ago before smartphones.

And- This process that we had in the pandemic of going inside, having not enough to entertain us, to distract us, being sick to death of our screens and wanting to turn them off, and then going, "Now what do I do?" Right? "I'm alone with myself or my spouse or my children." Right.

Ah. And all of them- Right ... and everything's shut down, and I can't get away from them. Yes. And there's, you know, this moment of crystallization of your discontent that happened, where you couldn't run away from what you were unhappy with, and now it's in your face. There's huge numbers of people who got divorced, okay?

You know, people were talking about a baby boom when the pandemic first hit, and it's a baby bust, right? And- It's a divorce boom. It's a divorce boom, exactly, because people got really clear about what they were avoiding. And that process is continuing because once you start to wake up, there's no going back to sleep.

And so it's only going to evolve further, and now people are expanding that. It's like, okay, I, I dealt with I was unhappy in my relationship. All right? Now my job sucks. Let's look at that. I couldn't look at it when we were in the pandemic 'cause I couldn't leave my job 'cause I was stuck there, and by God, if I had a job, I was lucky, but I'm not there anymore, so buckle up, buttercup, right?

Shit's coming down, right? And that's, that's where people are right now is they're, they've gone from family to job, right? And they're- Yeah, I'm not working 85 hours a week a- anymore. Exactly. And mark my words, the next thing that's gonna come is spiritual connection. It's gonna be your belief structures, your connection to m- more than yourself, right?

Your connection to yourself, your, you know, your inner, your inner world, right? Some people did that during the pandemic. Others did not. Others were just stuck in the misery and trying to do other things and fighting with their spouse and trying to deal with the kids and ah, ah, ah, ah. Right? And that was fine.

I mean, then we're not saying that there's a good or bad or indifferent. Everybody is where they were. But the, the point is, is that there's m- m- once the job stuff's done, then you, you have time to go, "Okay, well, I'm not working 80 hours a week anymore, and I'm not with the person who was making me miserable anymore.

Now what? This, this making my life better thing kind of rocks. Maybe I ought to work on that some more. What's the next piece?" And the next piece is you, which is where the foundational deconstruction is coming in, right? Because you're finally starting to live according to your values and not according to the values of your culture or your family or, you know, whatever, right?

And so that's the piece where a lot of people are right now. They're ripping out that foundation, and then they're feeling the discomfort, not knowing that they're not supposed to eat their feelings and numb their pain, and instead supposed to use that energy to make more change. And so this is why it was so important for me to talk about this in this episode is because it's happening so much right now.

I mean, it's everywhere. Uh, it's like, I would say 80% of the people in my programs are going through it. And, you know, Cathy's d- and I were talking, and some of her friends are going through it, and it's just like, like, yep, it's going... And I'm going through it, and Cathy's going through it, and I mean, it's just, there's just, it's going.

It's happening, right? So if this is something that you're dealing with, you know, hopefully this episode helps. And if you want to learn more about your resistances and you wanna learn more about the things that are keeping you stuck, then, you know, consider coming in and talking to us about the Inner Peace 101 course, or, uh, uh, and, and I'm going to announce it now.

Uh-oh. I, I have a new, I have a new thing coming. Uh, it's, it's here. Um, and it is called the Liminality program, and you will not find it on the website. You have to just sign up for a discovery call. And the Liminality program is for people who are further along in their process, who've done a lot of the beginner level stuff, but who are looking for a higher level of support for a deeper le- deeper level of work.

And it is a six-month or one-year program, one-on-one with me or Cathy. One-on-one. Weekly calls. Wa- Weekly calls. Wait, wait, weekly- Weekly calls, half an hour ... with you or Cathy? With me or Cathy. Holy wow. Ooh- And Voxer, Voxer support in between. So you can be like, "I'm having a meltdown," and I'll, assuming I'm not on another call, I'll be like, "Okay, let's talk.

What's going on?" Right? So yeah, it's like, you know, it's, it's a deep level of work with customized... There's a customized program that we create just for you based on this in-depth process that we do when you first come in. We do a, an energy scan or a business energy scan if you're a business owner. Um, and we, based on the, the energy scan, we look at ancestral line stuff, we look at etheric body, we look at pain body, we look at, um- I'm missing something.

Astral, uh, stuff, so, you know, curses and things like that that could be there. Uh, outside influences. We do a complete spiritual comprehensive diagnostic, and based on that, we custom design, uh, coursework for you, and then we work with you one-on-one to work through it for the six-month or the year-long process.

So when I say it is a bespoke program, high level, it really is. And as such, you know, yeah, it's gonna be more expensive, but, you know, that's, that's the nature of it. But, you know, it's gonna be awesome. Well, that it is. I mean, and, and what a support system, too. You know? Um, 'cause o- one thing that I was gonna ask very quickly would be as someone's going through this, um, deconstruction and rebuilding and doing this transformation, um, their social circles are also, may also shift too.

Will also shift. I- Not may, they will ... I wanted to say will- ... and I wasn't sure, so I said may. They will. So, and- Because you will outgrow your friends every time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the, and that's a, from my experience, it has been a good thing because, um, the toxic nature of s- of some relationships, that goes bye-bye.

And then actually, these weird, not weird, weird as in timing and unexpected new friendships that are much healthier and much more in sync, um, with where you are now or where I am now and all, they just kinda go poof. And I'm like, "Well, how did that happen?" But it's, it's really neat. Um, you know, uh, like minds type of thing.

And then, um, you know, like crys- you know, like I'm into crystals and all that, so I somehow, me, me and other crystal people, we find each other, you know? Um, a- and it wa- it was, it was very cool. So y'all would be, and it, and with y- having worked with both you and Kathy, um, y'all are a phenomenal support 'cause, you know, when, when I call and I'm in a puddle on the floor- I need some help, and y'all have been there for me.

You know? 'Cause I'm like, "Ah, I don't know what to do," and you're like, "All right. Chill out. It's all right. Y- here's what you're gonna do. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da." Okay. Okay, I feel better now, you know? So that, that is phenomenal. So al- so to, um, to review for our listeners, they would sign up for a discovery call.

They would sign up for a discovery call with Heather, and Heather will walk them through the process of, of what it takes to be in the program and how that works. And, and in the course of the spiritual diagnostic, uh, process and the interview process that we do around that, we would determine which one of us, me or Kathy, would be better for them to work with based on what it is that you're working on, what, what your goals are for your personal process, where you are in your process, and things like that.

So we would, we would determine that based on which one of us you'd be working with. Um, uh, or we would determine which one of us you would be working with based on what your goals are, i- is better way of saying that. I, I realize I just, like, did that completely backwards, but you can tell I pla- I practice this, right?

Yeah. It's okay. It's not. Our list- our listeners- Yeah ... followed. They were like, "Yep, I knew what she meant. Yep, right back." Right, yeah. Completely. Yeah, so we, we hook you up with the person who's the right person for the job, basically is what it comes, uh, down to, right? And, um, because, you know, Kathy and I have different backgrounds and different, different, uh, expertises, right?

So and, uh, you know, there's personal healing work in there. There's all kinds of stuff. So, you know, it's, it's about as, as, um, close to apprenticing, you know... A- a- apprenticing is the wrong word, but it's, it's, it's a one-on-one relationship, right? So- Yeah, d- uh, like mentorship. It's... Thank you. That's the word I was looking for.

Mentor, not apprentice. Mentorship. It is actually a mentorship. So, um, if that's something that interests you, sign up for a discovery call, and if you're thinking, "I don't wanna do the heavy hardcore thing, I wanna do the beginner thing," sign up for a discovery call or sign up online. You could do that. Uh, the Inner Peace program is available on the website, so you can sign up direct there.

Um, and, uh, yeah. So I think that does it for today. Yeah, think so. Yeah. So now is there an, uh, transformational Kelleism for today? Oh, yes. Use it, don't lose it. I so like that one so much. All right. Um- Yeah ... and as al- as always, we'll have all the information down in the show notes for y'all. Um, but that is all that we have for this week, kids.

Tune in next time when Kelle adds another chapter into your guide to energy, magic, and the spirit world. Another road that takes me on. I'm Jules here with Kelle Sparta. And leaves behind me. And you have been listening to Spirit Sherpa.

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