Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Miss Minj and Chartreuse talk about the old days while sipping on pruno (prison wine).

For more information check out our website at deepdrag.com

A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh, that tape player very high quality.

[Narrator] I think it's a Sony.

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh Sony very good, very high quality.

Hmm, you want to sell that tape player?

Lady Ping Pong give you good price.

[Narrator] Well I mean, I sort of need it.

[Lady Ping Pong] What you think I low ball you?

[Narrator]I don't really know what you're talking about.

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh now you no understand.

You make fun of Lady Ping Pong's English?

You racist.

[Narrator] No, I would never...

[Lady Ping Pong] You motherfucking racist.

I hope panda shit on your head.

[Narrator] Calm down, I was just trying to record.

[Lady Ping Pong] Oh oh, so sorry, so sorry.

Yeah I shut my mouth like nice village girl.

Yeah yeah, go ahead.

Say your racist shit.

[Narrator] Uh, okay.

[Narrator] In 1998 a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

These are the stories of the women inside.

[Song Lyrics] Come on now.

That's right.

When I say hard, you say time.

Hard!

[Crowd] Time!

When I say rap, you say battle.

Rap!

[Crowd] Battle!

That's right suckers.

Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle.

[Chartreuse] Home sweet home.

Ain't nothing like being locked up in the SHU for a couple of days to make you miss

a tiny-ass cell like this.

It's just so comfortable.

I got my special pillow.

I mean this pillow right here is actually four pillows that I done sewed together to

get one.

I mean you can't get no fluffy pillow like this so you got to put them together.

You know what I’m saying.

Use your head.

Over here I got my ukulele.

Now I know what you're thinking.

But you just watch.

One of these days you're gonna hear something fierce coming out my house, you know.

I just need me like a couple more years of practice or whatever.

Oh shit, I almost forgot.

Right here I got my most prized possession, my BKs boy.

You know how hard it is to get a pair of British knights up in here?

I mean I love these goddamn shoes.

I love these shoes so much I won't even wear them out in the yard.

[Narrator] How'd you get them?

[Chartreuse] Oh shit. you sure you want to hear about that?

I mean this is like the saddest shit ever.

Like a love story for the books man.

Okay, so one of the best ways to get shit up in here is to get yourself a sugar daddy.

And the way you do that is you put yourself up on like one of them electronic bulletin

boards.

[Narrator] You mean the internet?

[Chartreuse] Uh I mean, I can't say how it works per se.

I just know that you send a letter with like a little blurb about yourself to the Church

of Scientology in Winnipeg and then some preacher put that information on his computer so other

people can read it.

I mean, I know I wrote something like, 'Hot Mama, looking for a Down Daddy.

Must love basketball and Jesus.'

And then you know, I just waited.

Letters started coming in from all over the world.

You know what I’m saying baby.

Like Sydney, Tokyo, Kalamazoo, fancy places you know what I’m saying.

But out of all of them motherfuckers I chose Franz to be my sugar daddy you know because

he could just write these letters and that shit just like melt you.

You know what I’m saying.

I mean at first I played that motherfucker good.

You know how it is.

I was like, 'Hey baby, I need some hair products up in here to keep me looking good.

Could you send me some cocoa oil and some of that saffron orange shampoo that smells

so good?'

And then like a week later package come in the mail.

So like the next month I’m talking to him on the phone and I’m like, 'Hey baby, I

sure could use me one of them Toblerones.

You know what I’m saying, that fancy chocolate.

And some cocoa powder for my coffee because you know I like them cadillacs.'

A month later Cherokee's hand me another package with all that shit.

So like after a few weeks I was like damn you know I gotta ask this motherfucker for

what I really want.

So I’m like, 'Hey, what you think about sending me some white British Knight high

tops?'

And he's like, 'Yeah sure baby, see you next week.'

And I’m like, 'Wait what?

Next week?'

Shit this motherfucker is gonna come and see me.

I need to get ready I need to get right.

So you know I got my nails did like electric blue, looking fierce as hell.

Mabel hooked me up with some booty shorts, so you know I was looking right.

And when he walked into visitation you should have seen that motherfucker's face.

So the first thing he said to me is, 'You sure don't look like how you sound on the

phone.'

And I’m like, 'What?

What do you mean I don't look like I sound?

I sound like a powerful woman, motherfucker.'

I mean I almost walked out of visitation right there.

Like Chartreuse ain't having that shit.

I mean what the fuck.

Like I don't judge people by their voice.

Like I don't say I ain't gonna hang around with that girl because she don't talk pretty.

You know I love people for who they are on the inside.

But you know, then I remembered.

I’m here for these BKs.

Like what the fuck you doing right now Chartreuse.

So I’m like, 'Boy did you bring me them BKs or what?

Wouldn't you know it, he had the shoes in the box right there.

So I’m like, 'All right then, I guess we can conversate for a minute.

You know what I’m saying.

Why don't you hit up that vending machine right over there and get us a cola, a Twix

bar, a Twinkie, and a bag of chips.

Cause you know Chartreuse likes to snack.

But you know that was the start of it all.

Every month you know, he been sending me presents and love letters.

And you know, I won't lie I started to fall for him a little bit.

[Gun Tower] In Line.

[Miss Minj] Uh, you asking me how I make pruno?

Fucking hell.

Seriously, you think I’m just gonna tell you my secret recipe?

You think I’ll just hand over how I make me hand crafted hooch?

Nah mate, nah nah.

I’ve spent years perfecting me wine.

[Cuddles] It's mostly orange juice.

[Miss Minj] Fuck off Cuddles!

Come on!

Selling pruno's me livelihood.

Can't go around telling people me recipe, you know.

That's not right, all right.

Keep it in house, Cuddles.

[Cuddles] I better motor before it gets too late.

I ordered some stuff from Lady Ping Pong.

[Miss Minj] Ah yeah huh, picking up some bits and bobs, are ya.

All right then, I’ll be here slinging me sludge, yeah.

Just sitting around the yard pushing this pooch.

Truth is I don't use orange juice.

I just tell people that to throw them off the scent, yeah.

I found fruit cocktail makes a much better mix, yeah.

Them maraschino cherries cook up real nice, perfect like.

Practically pop with booze after they've been fermenting for a bit.

The only problem is the fumes.

They smell right nasty, yeah.

That's why I keep the batch in this bucket here.

[Narrator] You have pruno in the bucket you're sitting on?

[Miss Minj] Yeah that's right, that's right right.

Here, you want to try some?

[Narrator] I got a DUI about a year ago.

I haven't drank or driven since.

[Miss Minj] Fucking hell, all right mate suit yourself.

Fucking DUI, that's good that is.

[Miss Minj] Welly welly well, if it isn't Lady Chartreuse, our Lady of Chartreuse.

You dig yourself out a hole already?

[Chartreuse] You know I’m too big for them itsy bitsy cells, girl.

They had to bring Chartreuse back to the main line.

[Miss Minj] Fancy a cocktail?

I’m sitting on a new batch.

[Chartreuse] Oh baby, after a week I’ve had.

I sure could use a drink.

How much to fill up this tumbler?

[Miss Minj] Right, tell you what, how about I give you a cuppa and we call it even.

[Chartreuse] No no, Chartreuse don't need charity I’ve got a pillowcase right here

and it's full of soups.

[Miss Minj] Well the thing is I feel a bit bad about what went down.

See me and Cuddles was just having a bit of a laugh, you know.

We never thought you'd end up in the SHU or whatever.

[Chartreuse] I ain't got no beef with you, but if you buying drinks, fill it up bitch.

[Miss Minj] Yeah yeah, right right, just calm down.

[Chartreuse] Oh baby yeah, oh baby yeah, pour it in, pour it in.

Hey, are those them maraschino cherries?

Oh yeah, spoon a couple of them bitches on top.

Chartreuse sure do like their maraschino cherries.

[Miss Minj] Yeah here you go give it a taste.

[Chartreuse] Damn Menjie, you sure can cook some pruno.

You like a goddamn pruno vietnam.

I mean other folks make it too tall or too sweet.

Minjie got that shit just right, on point.

[Miss Minj] Yeah well, right then, can't have you drinking alone so best I have a cuppa

as well.

[Miss Minj] Cheers love!

To the rap battle.

[Chartreuse] I hear that.

Tomorrow night it's on.

[Chartreuse] I could drink these all day.

I mean that's the only part about drinking though, you know.

It takes me back.

Takes me back to the old motherfuckin' days.

I mean this drink right here, shit this reminds me of when we used to go dancing at the Lakewood

Civic Center.

I used to be dancing all over that motherfucking disco floor.

Like walking like an Egyptian, doing the sprinkler, the running man.

I mean sometimes I'd get buck wild and do the centipede.

You know how to do the centipede?

[Miss Minj] Are you talking about the one where you get down on the ground and flop

about like a twat?

[Chartreuse] Yeah yeah, that's it.

[Miss Minj] Yeah well, across the pond we call that one the worm.

[Chartreuse] The worm?

[Miss Minj] Yeah, I mean we invented all sorts of dance moves like that.

You know we got the zippy zoo, the cheeky monkey, and of course my fave the ladybird

shuffle.

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, the ladyboo.

I remember that one.

[Miss Minj] Ladybird.

[Chartreuse] The ladyboo shuffle.

Yeah my daddy taught me that one back when I was a youngster.

We used to listen to the radio a lot because we spent a lot of time in the car.

You know what I’m saying.

My daddy was like a traveling salesman.

So we drove all over the goddamn country.

He sold everything from vacuum cleaners to spicy peanut sauce.

You know what I’m saying.

He was like a real salesman.

The best was the summer that he sold popsicles.

Oh yes sir.

I never forget that summer.

I mean I was probably like six seven years old.

red, blue, purple.

I mean you can't forget about purple.

Purple's the jam.

Turn your tongue purple as fuck too.

And we was always like stopping at a liquor store because he had to get more ice to fill

up the coolers in the back of the car, you know.

You got to keep them popsicles cold.

Can't have them popsicles melting on your ass.

[Miss Minj] You need me to freshen up your drink love?

[Chartreuse] Shit girl, I can't say no to a refill.

[Miss Minj] Yeah well, this one ain't no freebie, right.

You owe me a can of kippers.

[Chartreuse] A can of what?

[Miss Minj] Sardines in tomato ketchup.

[Chartreuse] Oh shit girl.

Yeah I got that, but it's back in my house.

So you gonna have to wait till tomorrow.

[Miss Minj Yeah right, well no skin off my teeth.

[Chartreuse] Ain't no skin off my titties neither.

[Chartreuse] Hey don't be skimping on them cherries, girl.

[Miss Minj] Yeah right right.

Calm down.

Calm down.

Yeah that's right.

[Chartreuse] Fabulicious!

Um Minjie what's with you, girl?

You're looking a little, like uh crunchy today.

[Miss Minj] Yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit knackered all week.

Last couple of days I’ve only gotten a couple of winks.

[Chartreuse] Yeah yeah, you know you need to do girl.

You need to take some of that melatonin before you go to bed.

[Miss Minj] Yeah right.

It's not like that.

I can fall asleep well enough.

It's because uh, well you know I probably shouldn't say.

[Chartreuse] Chartreuse can keep things on the dl.

Don't you worry about that.

[Miss Minj] Right well, the thing is... between you and me...

It's Cuddles.

[Chartreuse] Shit, I knew there was something shady about that bitch.

[Miss Minj] Look uh, you know, I don't want to speak ill of her.

I mean, I appreciate all the things she's done for me.

[Chartreuse] Well come on girl.

Spill the tea.

Chartreuse is all ears.

[Miss Minj] Well thing is...

I think she's trying to kill me.

[Chartreuse] Say what?

[Miss Minj] I keep waking up in the middle of the night and there's Cuddles hovering

over me with a fucking shank.

[Chartreuse] For reals?

[Miss Minj] Yeah it's like she's fucking sleepwalking but with a knife pointed at me throat.

[Chartreuse] She don't know that she trying to kill you, is what you trying to say?

[Miss Minj] I mean as far as I can tell no.

She's got no idea.

[Chartreuse] Damn girl, we gonna need another drink up in here.

[Miss Minj] Every time I wake up, I take the shank from her and I toss it in the bin.

But the next night she's got a fucking new one.

And I’m like bloody hell how many blades does she have hidden in our flat.

[Chartreuse] You better move that girl out for one of these mornings you're gonna wake

up dead.

[Miss Minj] I know right.

Fucking hell.

[Cuddles] Hey girls.

[Miss Minj Oh Cuddles, that was quick.

[Cuddles] Lady Ping Pong just has the best products.

My legs are going to be silky smooth.

[Miss Minj] What you got there, new razer?

[Cuddles] Yep.

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah, yeah girl, you gotta have them razors.

You know, you can't have them old razors.

You need them new razor, like a real sharp one.

I mean, them old ones gonna chop up your skin.

You know what I’m saying.

Got to be new.

Got to be new.

[Miss Minj Yeah right that blade's got quite an edge to it as well.

[Cuddles] And I got a new toothbrush.

[Miss Minj] Look at that.

Handle's a bit pointy, no?

[Cuddles] Oh I hadn't noticed.

[Miss Minj] Yeah to be honest, it kind of looks a bit like somebody sharpened.

[Cuddles] You're right.

That's so weird.

It kinda looks like a shiv.

[Miss Minj] Yeah right, you don't say.

[Chartreuse] Yeah well, you know, it's always good to have a good toothbrush shiv.

You might be brushing your teeth and out of nowhere someone comes up and tries to cut

you.

You know, steal your shit.

[Cuddles] Oh I almost forgot.

I also got this new comb.

[Chartreuse] Oh yeah yeah girl, you gotta have a comb up in here too.

Can't have too many combs.

[Miss Minj You know the uh teeth on that there comb look a little pointy too.

Almost like a saw or something.

[Cuddles] You don't say.

[Chartreuse] Yeah you know, that is true.

You could cut a motherfucker good with that shit.

I bet that shit cut right through bone.

[Cuddles] You know now that you mention it, it does seem a little sharp for a comb.

[Chartreuse] Lady Ping Pong got them good products.

You know, just last week I bought some pink flamingos off of her.

You know they really spice up my cell.

Make me feel like I’m in the tropics... tanning my butt cheeks.

[Cuddles] She always has what I need.

Did I tell you I ordered a fondue set?

[Miss Minj] Cuddles are you fucking serious?

Are you mental?

Uou've bought a whole bag of shanks and shivs.

[Cuddles] You know, I always wanted to ask, is there a difference between a shank and

a shiv?

[Chartreuse] Well, I mean, technically the difference would be the blade.

[Miss Minj] Cuddles do you think that we could have a wee chat?

[Cuddles] Sure babe, what's up?

[Miss Minj] Let's walk over here.

Yeah bit more privacy.

[Cuddles] Oh, I didn't show you my new brush.

[Miss Minj] Yeah yeah, that's great Cuddles.

It looks like a fucking mini-machete.

[Chartreuse] Oh damn, looks like Minjie left her bucket of booze.

She probably won't mind if Chartreuse takes a refill.

Oh damn, that shit hits the spot.

Hey, you want a taste?

[Narrator] No thanks.

[Narrator] You know you never finished your story about Franz.

Are you two still together?

[Chartreuse] Oh you want to know the rest of that story, huh?

Well I guess I got enough of a buzz to tell y'all.

Truth is I wasn't that into Franz when we first met.

But you know, over time he started to grow on me.

I mean it might sound strange talking about like a pen pal relationship like it's a real

one, but you know we lived together through them letters.

That shit was real.

I mean he went out and bought two Great Danes.

You know them big ass dogs?

And he asked me to name them.

And I told him, 'Well shit, let's call them Rum and Coke because, you know, that's like

the best drink there is.'

And they was like our children.

Then last spring he asked me to marry him.

And I said, 'Shit baby, look I got an appeal coming up.

And if that goes good we'll fly to Vegas and we'll get married.'

So the day the appeal come, and you know, Franz is sitting there right behind me in

court.

And I remember he had on this brand new suit with like one of them bolo ties, you know.

He always liked everything cowboy.

That was like his shit.

He was even planning to buy a ranch once we got hitched.

So you know.

Like a real cowboy.

Well you might have guessed that the judgment on my appeal was a big 'no.'

They said, 'Chartreuse you best get comfortable girl.

You know, stitch another layer on your pillow.

Put some flamingos in your goddamn cell.

Because you ain't never going home.

That night, after the hearing, Franz went home and he shot himself.

You know, he picked up his daddy's gun, aimed right between his eyes, and...

I mean, he left a note saying, 'He didn't want to live in a world where I was in prison.'

And so every time I think about it...

A little part of me dies.

But shit you know, ain't nothing like a little pruno to make you forget, right.

I mean shit, in here you have to forget.

Otherwise you're gonna go crazy, crazy as hell.