Shownotes
You know what it’s like. The frustration that comes when you know what do to but aren’t doing it. Often, the hesitation comes from fear. But what happens when you downplay your fears? Today’s episode explores the 3 words I often hear when someone uncovers a fear holding them back from taking action, how downplaying the fear keeps you stuck, and what you can do instead.
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Transcripts
What are the three words that I hear most often when people start
Speaker:to uncover hidden fears, keeping them stuck? The ones that
Speaker:I'm familiar with because I've said them too. The words I want
Speaker:you to recognize so that you can catch yourself the next
Speaker:time you say them. So what are they?
Speaker:It's so silly. I have heard
Speaker:this exact statement from so many people that I've worked with
Speaker:over the years and I've used them myself. And they might sound
Speaker:harmless, but they can actually have a big impact on your
Speaker:ability to make lasting change. And that's why we're talking about it
Speaker:today. Now, I'm going to give you a personal example.
Speaker:Now, back in 2012, I was completing a three day
Speaker:training to learn how to help people uncover why
Speaker:they're struggling to change, despite genuinely wanting
Speaker:to. And as part of the training, each day we had to
Speaker:explore a new challenge of our own. In order to learn how to do this,
Speaker:I decided to take a look at my ongoing struggle
Speaker:in my personal life, which was why, as a lactose
Speaker:intolerant individual, I could not seem to stay away
Speaker:from dairy. Now, on the surface, I know that that might seem
Speaker:like an unimportant thing to explore, but it was
Speaker:actually causing me physical discomfort and pain. And it's
Speaker:something that had confused me for a long time. I know this about myself.
Speaker:Why can't I seem to change? So as I worked through the process,
Speaker:I realized I had a few different fears. And one
Speaker:of them was that I didn't want to be difficult.
Speaker:That person at the restaurant who is peppering the server with questions about the menu
Speaker:items, or the friend who's invited to dinner and lets the host
Speaker:know how to I can't eat dairy. This dreaded image
Speaker:that I had of being this pain in the butt guest or
Speaker:person at a restaurant, it was causing problems for me.
Speaker:And I said those three words. It's so
Speaker:silly. I was just really downplaying the effect
Speaker:it was having on me. Why am I scared of asking
Speaker:questions to a server? Or why am I scared of telling a host if I'm
Speaker:going over to their house that I don't eat dairy? On the surface, it seemed
Speaker:really trivial and really kind of surface. And so I
Speaker:downplayed it and thought this is silly. And in the years since,
Speaker:I've worked with a lot of people who said those exact same
Speaker:words once, they start to uncover some of the things that are holding them
Speaker:back, especially if they seem inconsequential
Speaker:on the surface. But that's the thing.
Speaker:They're not inconsequential. In fact, these fears that
Speaker:we downplay as silly are still having
Speaker:an impact on us. Even a silly fear can
Speaker:hold us back from taking action, from changing and making lasting change.
Speaker:So whenever I hear somebody downplay a fear, I try
Speaker:to gently push back, to ask them to give it
Speaker:the weight it deserves. Because no matter what or how
Speaker:you label it, it's still getting in the way. It's one
Speaker:of the reasons that you're avoiding change. And it deserves your
Speaker:attention because the only way that you can break free
Speaker:from these assumptions and these fears is to actively
Speaker:challenge that challenge the belief that's behind the fear.
Speaker:It's pushing back against the assumption that asking a
Speaker:server about menu items and whether or not they have dairy means
Speaker:I'm difficult, or telling a host that I have a dietary restriction
Speaker:means I'm difficult guest. If I
Speaker:never challenge those unconscious assumptions, I'll continue
Speaker:to hesitate, hold myself back, try not to be
Speaker:that person, and stay stuck. And if I
Speaker:label the fear as simply silly, I'm just not giving
Speaker:it the attention that it honestly deserves. So
Speaker:now instead, I start to see this as an invitation
Speaker:to shift my perspective. And ultimately, when
Speaker:we surface a fear or a belief that seems
Speaker:silly or trivial, it's usually because you can
Speaker:already start to poke holes in it. You can see that it's
Speaker:not completely valid, and immediately think, oh,
Speaker:this shouldn't have much control over what I do or don't do.
Speaker:It's actually a good sign because you're already starting to
Speaker:challenge its validity, the validity of this assumption or belief you're holding.
Speaker:But the danger comes when you start to assume
Speaker:that labeling it as silly is enough. It's not
Speaker:enough. You might still be limited by it until you
Speaker:properly challenge and then release yourself from this belief.
Speaker:So what does this actually look like? It means that
Speaker:you are learning through firsthand experience. It's about
Speaker:actively challenging these beliefs in real life.
Speaker:And if we take the dairy example now, the initial challenge
Speaker:might come just from checking my biases, looking at
Speaker:evidence that maybe contradicts my belief or assumption
Speaker:that speaking up makes a person difficult. Are there times
Speaker:where I've asked questions and been answered politely by a
Speaker:server? Or have I been with others
Speaker:at restaurants or at events where they have dietary allergies or
Speaker:restrictions? Did I label them as being difficult?
Speaker:If I've invited friends over to my house and they have
Speaker:restrictions, how did I react to them? In
Speaker:reality, I was happy to accommodate them because they're my friends and I care about
Speaker:them and I would never want them to not be able to enjoy themselves. So
Speaker:that's a good start is checking these biases and looking for
Speaker:evidence. But then you need to also start
Speaker:experiencing it firsthand in order for your brain to change and say,
Speaker:okay, it's safe to change. So going to a restaurant,
Speaker:asking questions if I need to, if I need to clarify something, going to
Speaker:a friend's house, maybe sharing in advance and offering to bring
Speaker:a dairy free dish, paying attention to what
Speaker:happens when I actually speak up for what I need
Speaker:and seeing is this okay, are people perceiving
Speaker:me as difficult or not? Because the more I do it, the more I learn
Speaker:that my assumption is not valid. It doesn't mean that
Speaker:I'm not going to get the occasional eye roll from a
Speaker:rude server, but I realized that they are the exception.
Speaker:And eventually I became released from that limiting belief.
Speaker:And I can speak up in restaurants, I can state my needs. And I know
Speaker:that it doesn't make me a difficult person, but back
Speaker:then I absolutely believed that. So this fear
Speaker:of being the difficult friend, the difficult guest,
Speaker:it needed my attention in order for me to get past it. And if I
Speaker:just laughed it off and not taken it seriously, I'd probably still be
Speaker:limited by its power. I would hesitate to speak up
Speaker:because I was afraid of being that dreaded person. Now, if
Speaker:you're wondering, okay, Kat, how can I use this information? Let's start with
Speaker:the first step, which is before you can be released
Speaker:from a fear or a limiting belief, you need to uncover it. And
Speaker:to do that, I want you to imagine doing the thing you've been avoiding.
Speaker:So if I imagine speaking up in a restaurant or telling a host, what do
Speaker:I picture? What are the worries that emerge when I think about it? So when
Speaker:you picture doing the thing you've been avoiding or hesitating, what
Speaker:are the worries that come up? And if it's not coming up right away, give
Speaker:it a little bit of time. Sometimes it takes a little bit to tap into
Speaker:it. Now I'll share some common worries that I have learned
Speaker:over the years working with people on these. So if I actually
Speaker:do the thing, maybe I'll make a mistake,
Speaker:maybe I'll look stupid, maybe I'll annoy others, maybe I'll
Speaker:annoy myself, maybe I'll feel trapped, I
Speaker:won't feel in control, maybe I'll be in over my head,
Speaker:maybe I'll look selfish. And then ask
Speaker:yourself, why you have this worry? What assumptions do you have that
Speaker:cause you to have these worries? So let's take the
Speaker:example of somebody who wants to start going to the gym three times a
Speaker:week, they have a family and they're worried that going to the gym
Speaker:regularly by themselves means that they're going to look selfish.
Speaker:Spending this time on themselves and away from family. They
Speaker:realize that they have this belief that spending time
Speaker:away on their own pursuits is selfish.
Speaker:Now, it's possible that once they say it out loud, they might think, oh, it's
Speaker:so silly. Taking care of your health is important, that's
Speaker:true. But as long as there is this underlying assumption
Speaker:that taking the time away from your family to prioritize your health
Speaker:means that you're being selfish, it's still going to stop them and get
Speaker:in the way. The belief is not silly. It's actually
Speaker:having a real impact. And the next step is to
Speaker:challenge the belief, to really pay attention to what happens when you do take
Speaker:some time to focus on your own health. So maybe you start
Speaker:small, with fewer sessions and just notice what happens.
Speaker:How do people around you react? And having conversations with
Speaker:your family, instead of just assuming, you know what they think about you
Speaker:and your decisions, maybe you start to notice that
Speaker:taking better care of your health means that you are more present and engaged
Speaker:when you're with your family. And maybe over time you can start to
Speaker:really feel released from these fears because you've intentionally challenged them and,
Speaker:and these assumptions that are behind them. It only
Speaker:happens when you give your fears the attention they deserve
Speaker:instead of diminishing, downplaying them. When you respect
Speaker:the true impact of your beliefs and your assumptions and
Speaker:the impact they're having on your ability to create lasting change,
Speaker:and when you start to take them seriously, then you can start
Speaker:to free yourself from them. Now, speaking
Speaker:of challenging assumptions, in the past few
Speaker:episodes I have shared a little bit about my personal
Speaker:journey, my experiment on creating a
Speaker:more consistent workout routine and strength routine in particular. I've also
Speaker:shared that I am injured and working with professionals
Speaker:to look a little bit more into whether or not
Speaker:I might have a diagnosis about my connective tissue.
Speaker:Now, I was actually able earlier this week to meet with a
Speaker:specialist who works on joints and is knows about
Speaker:these conditions. And while they weren't able to
Speaker:100% confirm whether or not I have Ehlers
Speaker:Danlos syndrome, which is one of the possibilities,
Speaker:they did confirm that I do have hypermobility
Speaker:spectrum disorder, where my hypermobile
Speaker:joints and this laxity and my connective tissue do cause
Speaker:me to be more injured, to be in more pain than other people, et
Speaker:cetera. Now, when I was talking
Speaker:with them about how I manage things. It became very clear that
Speaker:this is the type of thing where I can't change my
Speaker:connective tissue, I can't change my genes, but I can find
Speaker:ways to manage. It's really about lifestyle choices. And
Speaker:having the diagnosis or knowing this about myself does mean that treatment
Speaker:plans, working with physical therapists, et cetera, helps. But one of the
Speaker:assumptions I realized I having, and one that's been holding me back,
Speaker:is that earlier in 2025, I did
Speaker:actually seek out and purchase a plan for people
Speaker:who are hypermobile and who deal with regular pain because of their
Speaker:hypermobility. I did the program for,
Speaker:I want to say, six to eight weeks and just thought to
Speaker:myself, this doesn't feel like a lot. It was foundational
Speaker:and it didn't hurt. I wasn't in pain, but it did
Speaker:feel like, I don't know that this program is having an impact. I'm not sure
Speaker:this is actually helping me because they were sort of small,
Speaker:deliberate motions. And I think that I have, as I
Speaker:look back, I have this connection between what I think
Speaker:is effective and what this program
Speaker:was. And I think I was downplaying its impact.
Speaker:And so one of the things that I plan to do, and
Speaker:I'll probably kind of close the chapter for a little while on sharing about this
Speaker:experiment, is to start that program over again
Speaker:from scratch and to just do that properly,
Speaker:pay attention to what happens and challenge this belief
Speaker:that it needs to be more, I need to be moving more, I need to
Speaker:have a plan or program that's just, I
Speaker:guess, more. I know that sounds silly, but it'd be the equivalent
Speaker:of, okay, if I'm only doing these exercises and I'm not using strong weights,
Speaker:is this really going to help me with my strength? But I actually think
Speaker:it was helping. And so that's one of the things that I am going to
Speaker:focus on before. But it's only when you actually uncover
Speaker:these assumptions and these beliefs that are causing you to hesitate,
Speaker:causing you to hold back, that you can really start to challenge them.
Speaker:But challenging these with real experiences and paying attention to
Speaker:what's going around with you, that's the only way to break
Speaker:past them and to not let them stop you so that you
Speaker:can start to find and keep your momentum.
