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I just turned 50 this week, and man, that’s a big deal for me! I’m feeling a lot of gratitude for my life, especially considering I’ve been in a wheelchair for over 30 years. In this episode, I dive into what it really means to become whole. We talk about how embracing all parts of ourselves—good, bad, and everything in between—can totally change how we live and love. Plus, I share how reflecting on my life and the people I’ve lost has shaped my views on legacy and connection. So, let’s explore how we can integrate all those messy feelings to create a life we love!

No sponsors but you can treat me to a coffee at stevenwebb.uk

Turning 50 is a milestone that brings a lot of reflections. I just celebrated this birthday, and it’s wild to think of all the years I’ve lived, especially considering I’ve been in a wheelchair since I was 18. There were times I thought I wouldn’t make it to this age, but here I am, feeling grateful for every moment. I spent my birthday evening at a carol singing event at a crematorium, which sounds heavy, but it turned into a beautiful celebration of life and a reminder of the legacy we leave behind. I’ve lost many friends along the way, and it’s a poignant reminder that every moment counts. In this podcast, I want to discuss the importance of reflecting on our lives and the legacies we create.

The conversation about legacy is intertwined with our journey of becoming whole. I’ve struggled with feelings of shame related to my disability for years, and it held me back from asking for help and embracing my life fully. This episode is about recognizing those feelings and integrating them into our lives rather than pushing them away. Becoming whole is about accepting all parts of ourselves, the good and the bad. When we acknowledge our struggles, we can learn to move forward and grow. It’s about understanding that it’s okay to feel vulnerable and that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

As I reflect on my experiences, I encourage listeners to think about their own journeys and how they can embrace their true selves. We often look for others to complete us, but true wholeness comes from within. This episode is a call to action to integrate all our experiences and emotions into a coherent self. Let’s support each other in this journey, acknowledging our past while looking forward to the future, and celebrating the lives we’ve lived and the legacies we’re building.

Takeaways:

• Turning 50 is a milestone, and I celebrate it because I've made it this far.
• Having been paralyzed since I was 18, I never thought I would reach 50 years old.
• Reflection on life and loss happens on birthdays, especially when attending funerals.
• Becoming whole means embracing all parts of ourselves, even the uncomfortable ones.
• Integrating our feelings leads to better relationships and a greater appreciation for life.
• It's essential to listen to the quiet voices within us and not rely on others.

So I turned 50 years old this week.

That's something I thought I would never see.

And whenever birthdays come up, I'm always very much, hey there, celebrate it.

I've never been one of those ones that thinks, oh, no, I'm 40 or, oh, no, I'm 30.

I'm like, yes, I made it to 50 years old.

And being paralyzed since 18 years old.

I was lying in that hospital bed, I thought, do you know what If I have five, 10 years in paralyzed sitting down, my body, the way it ended up, I thought I would.

I thought that'd be good.

Five, ten years.

I thought I'd be pretty good with that.

But no, here I am, 50 years old, 31 years in the wheelchair.

I think I do.

That's going pretty damn well.

So, yeah, thank you, body.

Thank you, life.

Thank you much.

Gratitude to every cell in my body that just works tirelessly to keep me here and keep me alive and give me this wonderful experience of life.

And I thought with a wonderful irony and a twist.

I spent the evening up at the crematorium on a carol singing evening.

It was a lovely evening.

It was a wonderful reminder of the people we lost.

Wonderful reminder of Jesus being born and the life cycle.

I was just thinking, we often look at 50 years old as halfway through.

If it is halfway through, then I got another 50 years left.

Brilliant boy.

I don't think that's the case.

But, yeah, 50 years old sat at the crematorium.

What a time for reflection.

I did.

Many people I've said goodbye to there, including my friend Claire Brooks, you know, in her 30s.

And I said goodbye to many other people, Mrs. Knowles.

There's so many other funerals that I've been there and Mrs. Knowles funeral.

I was really saddened, actually, because there was not very many people there.

I said to the vicar at the time, isn't it really sad that not many people came to a funeral?

And he guessed, that's not sad.

I mean, she outlived many of her friends.

I looked at it completely different.

I thought, wow, yes.

And I thought about whenever you see these huge funerals with literally hundreds and sometimes thousands of people, it means that they died too early, maybe.

I don't know.

The universe, what the universe does is way above my pay grade.

But yeah, I just, it was a wonderful reflection on our legacy.

So I thought, that's my next podcast.

I want to talk about our legacy and what we do and.

And, you know, we all want to leave a legacy of some kind, but I'm not going to go into detail with that.

I want to talk about becoming whole.

I said to a friend that emailed me and talked to me about this and she said about being single and becoming whole.

And I just thought, let's do a podcast about it.

And this is my favorite subject.

I love it.

Whenever I come alive, whenever I'm talking about becoming integral, becoming whole, becoming the best possible human.

What does it mean?

What does it look like?

How can we do it?

Does it improve our relationships?

All those things?

So we're going to cover those topics on today's podcast.

And today's podcast is about becoming whole.

So I'm Stephen Webb.

This is Stillness in the Storms.

A podcast that helps you to get through the most difficult times in life.

A podcast that helps you to expand your mind and expand the way you live and really become more whole, enjoy life more, to improve your relationships, improve just the way you live and just get more joy out of it.

And I really want to cover the subject of what does it mean to become whole?

So why is it important?

Let's cover that to begin with.

And why is it important?

Well, it will improve every aspect of your life.

The more you integrate being human and the experience here of being human, the more you will start to love life and enjoy life, the more gratitude you'll have for every moment.

It won't always be great.

You won't get to that place of peace, joy, enlightenment and be happy ever after.

You will end up having more sadder, lonely times as well.

But you'll also have the better, happier, joy, peace, enlightenment times as well.

It's about integrating both.

You'll become less of a victim.

You'll.

You'll recognize your feelings more often.

You'll take notice of them.

And what does it mean by becoming whole?

Well, for many, many years, I suffered from shame.

And I never knew I did.

Not me.

I haven't got a chip on my shoulder.

I'm not one of these people that suffers from shame and things like that.

I'm doing really well in life.

I'm always happy.

But I would.

I couldn't ask people to for help.

If someone offered me help, I would say, no, I'm okay, fine, thanks.

And I never realized why.

And then I was looking at trying to fundraise for a new electric wheelchair.

One of my fellow counselors said to me, why don't you just ask people?

I can't ask people.

When I ask people, I've got to give them something.

He said, no, you do many things for people.

Why don't you just ask Them to fundraise, ask them to donate towards a new electric wheelchair for you.

You deserve it.

I said, no, can't do that.

I've got to, like, raise money for charity.

I've got to do this, got to do that.

And I asked and they gave.

And a few months later, I bought a new electric wheelchair.

And it made me think about something an ex said to me one day, and we were sat in my dining room, and I cannot remember the discussion.

She said something to me and it triggered me.

She looked up and goes, there's a problem.

See, you've got a problem with being disabled.

You have, like, this chip in your shoulder.

And she didn't say it in that way.

I cannot remember the exact sentence she said.

But I.

It really pissed me off.

And my normal reaction would be, you're wrong.

That sort.

Yeah, you have no idea.

You don't know what you're talking about.

And I would argue it and I'd fight it, but I didn't.

I sat there and thought, you know what?

Maybe if it affects me, maybe if it bothers me, maybe she's right.

Maybe there's something there now then I don't think she was bang on right.

However, she was right that I had this deep shame about my disability.

I didn't feel like I had earned my right to be disabled.

Bizarre.

Here I am, severely paralyzed, but when I see other people that are disabled, I'm like, wow, you do so well in life.

But I had this deep shame about I was the one that broke my neck, and I was a dumbass that did it.

So I had a real shame about that.

Asking people for my help is like, well, how can I ask someone for my help when I was the one that went and dived into the pool?

I was a dumbass that night.

So when anybody says to me, you're an inspiration, Stephen, and you're doing so well, you're doing so amazing, I just.

I didn't believe them.

I thought, no, I'm not.

I'm the dumbass.

I dived into a pool.

I created my accident.

I don't deserve all this help.

I don't deserve all these things and all these great things that people do and help me with and fund for me and things like that.

I feel that I've got to pay my way and pay it all back because I don't deserve it.

And there it was.

There was my shame, holding me back for 30 years, 29 years, maybe.

I can't remember quite when this was.

And suddenly I felt free.

Suddenly I could see it.

Do I still feel shame?

Yes, that voice still comes up, but I've integrated it as part of my life now.

I still feel shame about the action that I did that night.

I was a dumbass that dived into the pool.

But because I integrate that and that feeling, I now have the ability to go, you know what?

It's not that they're complimenting me on when they say, you're an inspiration.

It's because the other things I do since then is what I've done with it.

So I integrate that.

So becoming whole is about not denying the bits you don't like or the bits that affect you or bother you.

It's not trying to disprove people that trigger you and bother you.

It's about, oh, there's something there that's integrate it.

Let's put it as part of my life.

And I do have a shame about my accident, where I did it, and that's okay to have that.

But it no longer controls me.

It no longer affects me in my daily things.

So when someone offers to help me, my original trigger used to be, no, deny it, walk away.

No, say, no, I'm fine, don't need it now.

My initial reaction is, okay, help me.

And yeah, so when someone pays me a compliment, now I take it and I, I'm grateful for it.

So when I say about coming whole, integrate the things we don't like as well is they're the things that are holding you back more fast.

They're the things you fear going.

Someone says something that pisses you off, go there, sit down peacefully, don't argue.

I'm not saying argue back and say they're wrong or anything.

I'm saying sit in silence later that day and go, maybe they're right.

Maybe they're right.

And with that, with that attitude of openness, we listen to more voices within.

And the more voices we listen within, you know, those quiet ones that are screaming out that we're trying to deny, and those loud ones that we hear all the time that we tend to focus on way, way too much.

You integrate them all and you kind of leveling them out.

Instead of denying the ones we don't want, we enhance them a little more.

And instead of giving all the attention to the ones that we enjoy, we lessen them a little bit.

Doesn't mean to say we don't enjoy them.

But where does this really help us?

And I'll tell you one place this really helps us becoming whole is in relationships and been single.

I've Been in a relationship.

Now then this is one of my.

This is where my favorite subject really comes alive and that is we're not attracted to opposites.

No.

We have this old thought that opposites attract and it feels like it and it looks like it.

But bear with me a minute.

Let just, just open your mind for a moment and consider this.

It looks like it from the outside when you look at couples.

So you'll look at that band member that's on stage singing and they tend to date someone that's quite quiet on the front row and.

One sec.

Quite quiet on the front row.

And so you've got the extrovert on stage dating the introvert on the front row and it looks like they're completely opposite and they are to the person looking from the outside.

But really that one on stage wants to enhance that quite quiet voice inside of them and the one in the front wants more of that louder voice.

They want to become that.

So what we do is we end up dating somebody that looks opposite to us.

That narcissist dates the really quiet person with the quiet voice that isn't controlling, that isn't able to take control of situations and make decisions, seem to be attracted to the person that makes decisions and take control and vice versa.

And it's because that person wants to have more control and make decisions.

But instead of them enhancing it and growing that courage and muscle in themselves, they date somebody that does it for them and vice versa.

That narcissist.

That.

And I'm saying narcissist.

Look, we're all narcissist in some respect.

I'm not talking about a psychopathic narcissist.

I'm not talking about the worst guy.

I'm talking about the teenage kind of narcissist is all about me, that kind of person.

And we can all be there sometimes.

You know, we all, we all should embrace that healthy narcissistic empowerment voice within us.

But not the unhealthy one.

That's not.

Let's not mix those two.

And if you'd like me to do a podcast on that healthy and unhealthy narcissistic control, things like that, I'm more than happy to do.

So let me know.

Email me.

Let's go over to Stephen webb.uk and you can message me.

More than happy to do that.

It's really interesting subject, but going back to.

So the person that makes all the decisions wants somebody to.

That they don't want to make all decisions all the time.

They feel they have to so therefore, they date someone that cannot make decisions, whereas really they want the opposite.

They want somebody else to do the opposite to them, but it's because they want to embrace.

They feel like becoming whole.

They have to have somebody else to replace what they aren't.

And that's where it comes down to.

I've got a bit meddled up now in my thinking, but if you think about you as a person, as you're developing, if you've got a quiet voice, and you tend to date narcissists or things like that, is it really that you are attracted to them, or is it that you really want to have a little more control in your life and you want to have that voice and you want to start making decisions for yourself, but you fear doing it sometimes.

So instead of embracing that fear and becoming whole and it.

And integrating that voice, you tend to date somebody.

They'll do it for you.

And that's why in our 20s or 30s, when we split up in a relationship, it feels like half us apart, because the person we're dating completes us.

Yeah, that lands like a wow.

It did for me.

So in my 40s, I started integrating all those voices, and I'm still working on it.

There's nowhere to get to, I'm afraid.

When you get.

When you think you got there, keep going.

There's an old.

There's an old, ancient Zen saying.

When you get to the top of the mountain, keep climbing.

There's always somewhere to go.

There's no enlightenment at the top of the mountain.

But becoming whole, you integrate every part of your life, you know, right?

From the grief, the shame, to the peace and the joy and the love, the desires.

You don't deny any of these feelings.

You enjoy and embrace all of them.

They'll come and go.

Like the poem by Rumi, you know, it's like these emotions will come and go and they'll clean out your house and they'll do all these things, embrace them all, as if they're a gift from the gods.

And it's a gift of being human.

You imagine getting to the end of your life, and we've relied on everybody else to complete many things that we are not.

And you get to the end of your life and someone says, you know that your favorite band, but they had another 10 albums you never heard, or, you know, clothes, things like that, and there was extra clothes, or there was all these other modes in your car that you never switched on because you never knew about.

But that's what it's like.

We deny all those extra modes, we deny all these other feelings because a bit uncomfortable.

But when you embrace slight uncomfort, you don't only unlock that, you unlock the opposite.

At the same time, you.

When you embrace making decisions, if you find it difficult, you unlock the ability to take control of your life as well.

Rather than having someone control your life.

I hope this makes sense.

So how do you do this?

One of the things you can do is think of two people that you admire.

It could be famous people, it could be just somebody from history or somebody your friends or anything like that.

Think of two people you admire and you can write this down.

This is a really good exercise.

Write this down and email me.

But two people you admire and think of the traits that you admire about them.

Then for me it would be like Bill Clinton and I love the way he talks and the way he.

He embraces what seems to be the wisdom and the talks and the.

And the openness to be able to communicate really well despite politics.

Put politics aside for a minute and Junpo, my teacher and Doshin and many other teachers that I've had, you know, their calmness and ability to stay wise and calm when everything is going really wrong now I really admire them.

But I'm learning to do that in my life.

And then things are okay, things are becoming more whole and you just integrate it.

And then the more you integrate, the more skills you have, the more ability to be able to do all these things.

Suddenly there you are, not worried about life, not worried about what comes up, because you already have the skills.

You don't need the other person, a different person.

You don't need your teacher.

You don't need any of those things.

You know, the perfect teachers don't.

They don't say, right, I'm not going to teach you anything, but I'm going to hang out with you just in case you need that.

The perfect teacher teaches you to use those skills.

And that's the point of becoming whole, is no, become your teacher, be better than your teacher, but integrate it in your life.

Don't rely on somebody else.

Don't rely on life.

Don't rely on the government or anybody else.

Integrate everything in your life.

You know, listen to those quiet voices.

Invite the quiet ones to speak up.

If you find decisions hard, start making smaller decisions and then grow that muscle to do that.

You know, by not becoming whole, what you're doing is you're asking someone else to go to the gym and do the running for you and you hang out with them in some weird way that we think will will get the benefit from it.

So that's what I talk about when I talk about becoming whole.

Let me know if that helps.

I'm going to go up to my parents right now because they've organized a kind of party for me for my 50th and I'm already about a minute late, so I'm gonna have to go.

And they're up there waiting for me.

So I love you guys.

You guys are awesome.

Become more whole.

Integrate everything.

Listen those quiet voices.

Stop looking for somebody else to do it for you.

Stop looking for your teachers to hang out with you just in case you need them, you know, Embrace all those quiet voices within.

Soften the louder voices within that you always go to.

Embrace the good and bad times.

Make it all part of it.

And if you didn't listen to my last week's podcast, I talked about the stick, the both ends.

Stop chopping the stick down.

Listen to last week's podcast and you'll know what I mean.

Look, take care, have an awesome week.

Head over to stephenweb.uk if I help in any way, treat me to a coffee.

That would be awesome.

It helps me with editing, it helps me with paying for the platform that my podcast goes out on, and it helps me to build my email list so I can email you and let all those things cost a little bit of money.

So if you head over to stephenweb.uk treat me to a coffee.

I don't really buy a coffee, just helps me do all these things, the editing, things like that.

So really appreciate it.

Otherwise, look, just have an awesome week and I will see you next week.

Take care.

Bye.