For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

What makes a marriage truly work — even in the face of conflict, disconnection, or emotional distance? In this heartfelt and practical episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the three essential relationship skills that every couple needs to thrive.

With real-world insight from AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, you'll learn how small, consistent changes can rebuild trust, restore connection and transform your relationship — no matter where you’re starting from.

Key Takeaways

Conflict is normal — but unmanaged anger is not: Every couple argues, but when anger turns aggressive or shuts down communication, it damages trust. Learning to manage your anger is often the first step toward healing.

You can’t “win” an argument — but you can create understanding: Real communication begins with listening. Shifting from “you” statements to “I” statements and validating your partner’s feelings helps reduce defensiveness and build empathy.

Active listening is a superpower in relationships: Techniques like paraphrasing, asking open-ended questions and checking for understanding help your partner feel heard and respected — even during tough conversations.

The Magic Six Hours can transform your connection: Just six hours a week of intentional connection — like daily check-ins, small acts of affection and shared activities — can build an emotional buffer that strengthens your bond.

You can’t control your partner, but you can choose your response: Emotional responsibility — managing your reactions, listening deeply, and showing up consistently — is the foundation of a lasting relationship.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days

angersecrets.com/course — Enroll in The Complete Anger Management System

Let me ask you something.

Why do so many couples, and even the ones who love each other deeply, end up feeling stuck, disconnected, or constantly walking on eggshells?

Why does it feel that like no matter how hard you try, you still get caught in the same old arguments, the same silence, the same pain?

Well, here's a truth most people never hear.

Love isn't enough.

Because without the right skills, the tools to manage conflict, communicate clearly, and stay emotionally connected, even the strongest relationships can start to fade.

In today's episode, we unpack the three real world skills that make or break a marriage.

These aren't abstract ideas.

They're practical, proven steps that I have used to help thousands of couples stop the fighting, rebuild trust, and create the kind of connection that lasts.

Hello, and welcome to episode 35 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier, and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss three simple but powerful tips to making marriages work, no matter what state your marriage is in right now.

Also, make sure you stick around to the end of the episode, where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to control your anger, master your emotions, and create a calmer, happier, and more loving relationship once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.

Welcome to the Deep Dive.

Have you found yourself in, like, an argument with your partner?

And it just escalates way faster than you realize, leaves you both feeling hurt, misunderstood.

Or maybe you've wondered why even with all the love, it feels so hard sometimes to keep that spark, to really make the day to day work.

I think we've all been there.

We've looked at some really practical stuff for this deep dive, and it points to three essential steps.

Think of them as the backbone for a successful marriage.

Real, actionable things.

Yeah, and what's really interesting is how these steps, they seem simple on the surface, but when you actually understand them and crucially apply them consistently, they can fundamentally shift the whole dynamic.

So we're just gonna talk about what they are, but really dig into why they matter so much.

Okay.

Let's unpack this first one then.

Because it feels foundational.

It's all about managing conflict.

Now, conflict, let's be honest.

It's gonna happen in any close relationship, right?

So it's not about trying to dodge disagreements entirely.

That's probably impossible.

The real issue is how it's handled.

How often do little things just blow up?

That really hits the nail on the head.

When does that conflict cross a line, Go from being maybe a healthy way to air things out to something destructive?

And the research is pretty clear here.

Conflict gets damaging when it turns hostile, when there's aggression, uncontrolled anger, abuse, maybe even violence.

When that happens, you just can't resolve anything constructively.

It erodes trust, builds resentment, and it quickly breaks down the relationship itself.

Think about it.

Once that real anger takes over, listening just stops.

So learning to control anger, it's presented as just a vital, absolutely fundamental skill.

It's often the first thing couples need to get a handle on.

That makes total sense.

So it's not that you argue, it's how you argue the type of conflict.

So controlling anger, maybe managing it is a better word.

That's like step one for handling conflict better.

For a lot of people, anger feels huge, like this wave that just washes over them.

How does someone even start to get control over something that feels so intense?

That's a great question.

And the key insight is that anger, intense as it feels, it's often a learned response.

And if it's learned, it can be, well, unlearned, or at least managed.

It's not about never feeling angry.

That's not realistic.

It's about spotting the warning signs early on.

Your heart pounds, maybe your jaw clenches.

You feel that heat rising and then creating a pause before you react.

Just take a break.

Physically step away.

If things are heating up, agree beforehand.

Okay, let's take 20 minutes, cool off, then come back.

Okay.

Another huge thing is shifting your language, moving away from you.

Statements you always, you never, which sound like attacks.

Yeah, those really push buttons.

Exactly.

And instead use I statements.

So not you make me feel ignored, but I feel ignored when or I feel hurt when.

Keeps the focus on your feelings, makes your partner less defensive.

These things, they sound small, but they immediately lower the temperature.

Create space to actually talk.

That's incredibly practical.

Turning anger into a signal, not just a reaction, gives you a chance to choose your response.

Okay, so if managing conflict is about handling the negative, what about building the positive, which leads perfectly into the second step?

Effective communication.

Sounds simple, right?

Just communicate.

But if you're like most people, you know, it's often way harder than it sounds.

You hear couples say it all the time.

We just can't talk without fighting.

Or they just don't understand me.

So what's the secret sauce here?

Connecting it back.

A big reason people struggle isn't lack of care.

It's often that nobody ever really taught them how to communicate effectively, especially in a relationship context.

It's a skill like any other skill.

It needs learning, it needs practice.

And the really crucial insight, it's almost counterintuitive, is that the first step to effective communication isn't about getting your point across.

It's not about making them understand you.

It's actually about learning to understand, really fully understand what your partner is trying to say, truly absorbing their perspective, not just waiting for your turn to jump in with your rebuttal.

So it's a total mindset shift.

Instead of prepping your defense, you're genuinely tuning in.

That's gotta be an aha moment for a lot of folks.

Moving from being a speaker focused on broadcasting your message to being an active listener first focused on receiving.

That changes everything, doesn't it?

It really does.

Can you give us some, like, practical ways to do that?

What does that active listening actually look like?

Sound like?

Yeah, absolutely.

Active listening isn't passive silence, it's engaged.

One really powerful tool is paraphrasing.

So after your partner speaks, you briefly say back what you heard in your own words.

Something like, okay, so if I'm getting this right, you're feeling frustrated because is that kind of it?

Okay, so checking in.

Exactly.

It clarifies and it shows them you're actually listening.

You're trying to get it.

Another thing is asking open ended questions, questions that need more than just a yes or no.

Things like, can you tell me more about that?

Or what was that like for you?

It invites them to share more, right?

Not just shutting down the conversation.

And finally, and this is huge, validating their feelings.

Even if you don't agree with their viewpoint, saying things like, I can see why you'd feel that way, or wow, that sounds really tough.

It acknowledges their emotional reality.

It shows respect.

Even if you think they're wrong about the facts, even then you're validating the feeling, not necessarily the interpretation.

This builds empathy.

It shows you care about their experience.

And honestly, this shift alone, making the effort to understand before trying to be understood, that can resolve issues couples have been stuck on for years.

Because often the block isn't the issue itself.

It's the feeling of not Being heard.

Wow.

Resolving years long arguments just by changing how you listen, that's powerful.

Building those bridges.

Okay, that brings us to the third and final step.

And this one has a great name, the Magic Six Hours.

It comes from Dr.

John Gottman, the relationship expert.

And it's supposed to help keep things strong and loving for, well, decades.

So what's the magic here?

How does it fit in?

It's fascinating because the magic is really in its simplicity and the power of consistency.

The core idea.

Relationships are like, like anything valuable.

A garden maybe.

They need regular time and effort to stay strong, to flourish.

So the magic six hours suggest couples aim for about six hours a week total.

Doing things that specifically build positive feelings and connection.

It's not about huge grand gestures all the time.

It's about intentional nurturing.

Small doses, but consistent.

Okay.

The idea is these positive interactions are like deposits into an emotional bank account.

They build up this reserve, this buffer.

So when stress hits or you do have disagreements, you've got this positive foundation to draw on.

You don't go straight into emotional debt.

I like that analogy.

The emotional bank account.

So it's intentional, consistent investment, small chunks of time and attention.

It's not always about the big date nights, but the daily commitment that strengthens the bond.

What does it look like in practice?

6 hours sounds like a lot when people are busy.

Yeah, it sounds like a chunk, but it breaks down quite easily.

A really practical starting point is something called the daily check.

This is just about 20 minutes a day.

Maybe end of the day, just talking about simple stuff.

How was your day?

What are you thinking about?

What's stressing you out?

Low stakes conversation.

Exactly, low stakes.

But the key again is that active listening, asking questions, really understanding each other's world.

That 20 minutes a day, that's already over two hours a week right there.

Okay, that makes it feel more doable.

Totally.

And beyond that, the six hours includes other things too.

Moments of affection during the day, a hug, a quick kiss, a compliment, sending a nice text, showing appreciation.

It includes having some kind of weekly ritual like a date night.

Even if it's just pizza on the couch together, consciously connecting shared activities, maybe exercising together, or just tackling errands as a team.

And importantly, having those stress reducing conversations where you just let your partner vent about their day without you jumping in to fix it.

Just listening and showing support.

Just being there, just being there.

It's all about that consistent, low level, positive connection building up that reservoir.

That's a really clear framework.

So you're proactively building the good stuff, strengthening the foundation day by day rather than just putting out fires.

That's exactly right.

So these three steps, managing conflict constructively, especially getting a handle on anger, communicating effectively by prioritizing, listening and understanding, and then consistently investing in connection through things like the magic six hours.

That forms a really robust approach.

It helps couples not just survive challenges, but actually build a relationship that thrives for the long haul.

And remember this knowledge, it's most valuable when you actually use it consistently.

These aren't just nice ideas, they're practical strategies that really work.

Okay, that wraps up our deep dive into making marriage work.

We've covered three really powerful transformative managing conflict better, starting with that crucial step of controlling anger, mastering communication, really shifting to listen first, and nurturing connection consistently.

Like with that magic six hours idea.

Yeah.

Just think about how those small, steady efforts day in, day out can build something incredibly strong.

That understanding, that respect.

It builds a buffer against life's curveballs.

It really comes down to deciding to take control of your own responses, your actions, and then applying these skills to create the relationship you want.

And if that first step, getting control over anger, really resonated with you, if you feel like mastering your emotional responses could make a big difference, we really encourage you to check out the resources from Alistair Duss.

You can find free training, learn about his really comprehensive online program, the Complete Anger Management System.

It's designed to help people control anger, manage emotions, and build calmer, happier relationships, often pretty quickly, like in 21 days or less.

Or you could even book a free assessment call.

Just visit angersecrets.com and let's end with this.

You can't control other people.

You really can't.

But you can always control yourself.

Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found Jake and Sarah's deep dive into how to make relationships last both helpful and thought provoking.

Before we wrap up, however, let's summarise some of the key ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

Because these are the kinds of insights that can make a real difference, not just in your understanding, but in how you show up in your day to day life and relationships.

First, Jake and Sarah talked about how conflict is normal, but uncontrolled anger is not.

Every couple argues, so that's not the problem.

The issue can be how they argue.

When anger turns aggressive blaming or shuts down real communication, it starts to erode trust and connection.

That's why learning to manage your anger, even just a little better, can shift the entire emotional tone of your relationship.

Second, effective communication isn't about making your partner understand you.

It starts with understanding them.

That means active listening, asking open ended questions, and validating your partner's feelings even when you disagree.

It's not always easy, but it's one of the fastest ways to dissolve tension and build closeness again.

Third, Jake and Sarah explored something called the Magic six hours.

It's a simple but powerful idea.

Relationships thrive not through grand gestures, but through small, consistent acts of connection.

A 20 minute daily check in a kind word, a hug, a shared laugh.

These tiny moments build up emotional trust and give you strength when things get hard.

And finally, it all comes down to responsibility.

You can't control your partner, but you can control how you respond, how you communicate, and how you invest in your relationship.

And those choices, they add up.

And remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening.

It happens when you start practicing even just one or two of these ideas in your everyday life.

So if something stood out to you today, try it, run with it, do it this week, see what shifts.

Okay?

I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app.

And if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment, call with me, visit my website, angussecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.com course to enroll in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System, I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

Finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.