Shownotes
Welcome to episode 46 on the Mental Wealth Podcast!
In this episode, we challenge societal norms and encourage listeners to embrace their unique strengths and needs. We discuss the importance of giving yourself permission to make adjustments, stop what isn't working, and seek help when needed.
Joining me in this episode is the most amazing person, Jules Kelly. Co-founder of Space and Freedom, global holistic leadership & well-being consultant, and podcast host of 'Can We Just'.
It's always great to talk to Jules, and I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
"It's the consistency that makes the biggest impact".
Check out my book - 'A Path Travelled' How To Make Sense Of Your Life: https://amzn.eu/d/cvA6pIQ
FREE Human Design Chart: https://spaceandfreedom.com/human-design-chart/
To find out more , or to get in touch:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/2mindsuk
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/alison2minds/
Twitter - https://twitter.com/alisonblackler
Linkedin - https://www.linkedin.com/in/alison-blackler-1686a121/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPWMpkuAeRq5qkgrxbZsx_g
Want to be a guest on the podcast?
https://2-minds.co.uk/mental-wealth-podcast-guest/
Transcripts
Transcript
::Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much to share, so let's get into this episode and explore another great topic.
::Welcome to episode 46. In this episode, I'm almost going to say.
::I don't really know where we're.
::Going to go because I've got the most amazing guest and I'd like to welcome Jules Kelly to this episode.
::Hello, darling. Excited to be here. Thank you for having me.
::You're welcome. You're welcome. Well, this podcast for me is all about having real conversations, talking in a way that makes sense to people. There's a lot of noise out there. There's a lot of different ways that we can help ourselves. There's lots of talk about, wellbeing.
::And for me, sometimes just getting down to some of the basics, some of the realities.
::And I know that.
::You're perfect to have a conversation about those.
::And we've talked for blooming hours couldn't we on it, to be honest with you, Alison. Life's tough right now for so many people.
::And sometimes it's hard to stay up, isn't it? It's hard and yeah, so well-being for me is.
::Is the foundation of everything.
::But it takes work and.
::And these things don't come easy, and that's OK. And and it's OK to. I think one of the main things for me, Alison, that I've set myself this year and I think you might resonate is to afford myself the same level of grace that I afford other people.
::Yeah, that's a really good strategy, isn't it? We don't always treat ourselves in any way, shape or form the same as we would to someone else.
::Absolutely. And one of our my clients message this morning, I said how can I be kinder to myself?
::So I just went back to her and said, well, what does kindness mean to you? Because again, it's all subjective, isn't it? It's literally everybody has a different idea of what?
::A kind is what successful is, what making it is all of those things and. And I think as I've got older, mine have changed so much, you know, success for me is looks a lot different to what success looked like for me when I was 21, for example.
::Yeah.
:: ::And what.
::A shame we have to do it this way and I always wish I knew now that - God I sound like my mum, I wish I knew now then what I know now.
::Yeah.
::But what's really interesting about that, and I think we we could all say that is we can't know it because you have to live it to be able to like really believe it. You know, I love nothing more than working with a younger person, somebody who.
::Is it, you know, maybe it just about start all this challenge that we have to go through and yes you can sort of accelerate it for them a little bit, but actually most of the time you do need to just experience it so that you come out the other side with that lived experience because that is where your.
::Answers are and I think sometimes we.
::Want to fast track don't we?
::We're so impatient these days. We want that instant gratification. You know, we see a solution in a, I don't know, a come on this weekend. Course and you will be transformed.
::Change the world.
::Yeah. And actually.
::That, that isn't true, and I think it's important that we start to challenge some of that really.
::Yeah, absolutely. And you know you can, you can have a coaching session. You're not going to change your world in in an hour. It takes intentional, consistent change to make these things happen. But I am. I do believe that as a society, we are heading for big changes.
::And I did. I I didn't start my well-being journey until I was 47 and I'm 50. Hold on, how old am I next week.
::54 next week, I'm 54 next week, and I'm thinking that if I can teach my kids how to look after themselves.
::Now then, they may not have to go through some of the challenges that I've been through because I don't believe whilst I believe that life experience is absolutely, massively important and lived, experiences are from who we are, who we share with us today.
::But I do think had we learned differently, had we had, had we grown up in a different way, which is obvious, we would know better. And so I I do advocate for learning these lessons sooner and and it's my drive and Claires drive to to share our knowledge and our experience so that.
::Like you said about working with younger people, you can maybe help them navigate some curveballs in a way that they don't have to climb Everest and back and go around the block 432 times to have learned the lesson.
:: ::I totally agree, and that's one of my reasons for writing my book.
::Which is interestingly is is just turned 4, so you know it's it's been out there for four years and one of my reasons for writing it was to share all of the stuff that I've learned to hope that you could fast track a little bit or just shave off a little bit of that journey.
::Mine is 2 as well.
::And and interestingly, I think we're quite similar in that way. We didn't write the book for an ego piece. It was literally about sharing knowledge and helping people. And my book, I think my book is it 2, two or three years, you know what times gone by so quickly. But it was always about how we could share how I could share my learning.
::With as many people as possible, because if I could do it, so could they.
::Yeah. And I think that's where people need to hear that though, and that's why things like what you're listening to and what conversations people are having are so important.
::Yeah, and. And also like to make sure that.
::You're you're working with the right people is also massively important and we talk about this a lot because we get a lot of people that they want a a day's course and then think that there are.
::They are a master of it and then knock out some courses and people then go and sign up to them and expect so much. And actually they're going to get surface level because what they're taught isn't necessarily fabulous. And so just making sure that you, you know, you are really intentional and.
::Clear on what it is you're looking for.
::I think so.
::Because when we hit this sort of world, we go like, oh, we, we suck up all the information and we can get that shiny object thing where, you know, ohh, maybe it should do that. Maybe it should do that. And ohh my that somebody's doing that. And they said this and that and you go actually you could and we've done all of the courses. We've spent thousands of pounds and actually we didn't need to.
::But I think you're right.
::And that's frustrating as well sometimes, but we could just stay in our lane.
::And I think you are right to. Yeah, stay in our lane. But I think you are right to make sure that you do you know your your research or your due diligence in terms of looking for the right people because you know you and I Jules have been doing this for a very, very long time.
::So we know that we've have the right to wear the badge to say that we are qualified and some, but there are people out there who haven't quite got that experience yet. And you know I I got caught in somebody's shiny brochure once and they there was no substance attached to what they could.
::Actually offer.
::And it's important and that's why, like when we work with anybody, we always have the connection calls first just to make sure.
::That to find out what it is that people want to achieve, what it is they wanna learn, and whether or not we're aligned because there's nothing worse than working with someone that you just don't get.
:: ::But if you're not allowed, and again it might be that somebody else's better place to deal with them than us. So again that from an integrity point of view.
::It works. Doesn't it just pass people on to other qualified and?
::And providers with integrity.
::I think so and and I'm a fan of that. I would pass people on when I feel that they would be better suited to somebody else. So I think that's one of the first things that we're saying, isn't it for us all to remember that there is lots of help out there.
:: ::In all sorts of guys is some of it looking very shiny and very promising, may not be.
::It might be.
::But it might be.
::Do your research, ask around.
:: ::Wait, you know, don't get trapped. So pulled into the trap of it being that instant fix because I think that's so important.
::Yeah, for sure.
::I think something else that I think would be good for us to say because again, I'm a fan of saying it all out loud because I think it helps.
::People.
::Pause and think. OK, it's alright. It's not just happening to me. It's something that we touched on just before we started recording.
:: ::Was, when you know that you need to maybe stop something, change something.
::Make a make an adjustment in a small or large piece of your life, whichever that might be, and to be OK with that. Because I think sometimes people process these things as a failure or that hasn't worked out, but it's not that it hasn't worked out. It's just it's not.
::Working now or.
::It just needs a tweak.
::I'm just interested.
::In your thoughts on that Jules? Cause I know you. You're all so keen to talk about these things.
::Yeah, I did a post about it the other day, Alison, and it was almost like I read people going ohh.
::I've given up, I've given up on that or have not finished that and and just the tone of it sounds like failure. It sounds almost like guilt or shame. That's not. That's not right, isn't it? So I do believe that we all designed specifically in our own way and as a human design specialist.
::As well, there are people that start lots and lots of things, and that's what they're brilliant at, but they're not designed to finish them. And so it's almost like knowing that information. So one of my clients, she cried when when she found out that she was a serial starter because her dad all through growing up, had told her how rubbish she was because she never finished anything.
::Well, she wasn't designed to, right. And so it was almost like this level of relief. She's not designed to. So. OK, so if you're brilliant at starting things, how can you then build that into your life? How can you then build that into your business, where you help people start things? Yeah. And then also.
::Yeah. Yeah. It's things like when you start.
::To read a book.
::For example and it's.
::Like and you're wading through treacle.
::An old version of me.
::May have carried on because I've started and I've started, so I'll finish. But that's hours of my life that I'll never get back.
::And so making that decision actually, no, that's not worth my time. Done. And that's OK. Who who made the rules?
::Exactly cause we get lost in that, don't we? So lost in that.
:: :: ::And there's so many people that are staying in unhappy marriages and in jobs that they don't want to be in and in unfulfilling relationships or friendships or.
::Processes or you know hobbies - things that that no longer work for them, but walking away is deemed as a failure and it's only deemed as a failure if you.
::Put that on it.
::Yeah. Or you make it up in your head or you've listened to somebody else that says or you don't stick at things, or you should.
:: ::You shouldn't this and all that noise.
::And I think you know it, it is important, isn't it? It's your highlighting.
::In that, getting closer to like who you are, what what your natural style is. You know, if you are a starter then help other people do that and find someone to help you beat the finisher, get somebody to you know, get the right people.
::Absolutely yes. And I've just, yeah, and I'm. And I'm my life purpose is around cycles. So I'm all about the whole thing not starting anything till I've finished it. That being said though.
::I wouldn't finish a book if I was not enjoying it, but in terms of knowing that the cycles of life, so I've just helped someone.
::Proofread their book.
::That wasn't her gift. I can do that. And it's almost like those two skills together. Then get the job done. Yeah, and it's, you know, playing to strengths and strengths and like weaknesses, areas of wisdom. So is looking at where your innate brilliance is and maximising that and where it isn't you go and.
::I like that.
::Find somebody that can help you with that.
::And I think you raised a point there though that sometimes if you are in that space where it's not quite feeling.
::In flow or it's not quite feeling right.
:: ::Asking for the right help can also be interpreted as a failure, and actually 100% isn't, but obviously you've got to get comfy with that.
::Feeling of I.
::Need to ask for help.
::Yeah. And ask him for help is.
::God, he goes into so many different fields, but asking for help is.
::It's perfect, right? How many of us are are like the perfect article? Nobody. Nobody is, like, fully defined and completely in alignment. So, you know, if you can't do something or don't want to do it or it's not like you're, This is why Claire and I work really well together because she does the stuff that I can't stand and vice versa. And so.
::It it's kind of you've got someone to back it off to. But and I was talking to my husband about it before because he he's just on his own mental health journey. And he started a men's circle.
:: ::And the women's circles are full all of the time. You know, women are not backward coming forward. They literally just embrace it. Men have got this real stigma about.
::Reaching out, speaking out and and our podcast this week was about men's mental health and how even Mark saying that just to get other people to other men to.
::Even converse.
:: ::Is really really hard because there is a stigma attached to. If you speak out for help then you are failing. Not good enough, not being able to provide all of those connotations. So again, it's really important that we start changing this narrative.
::You remind me of a conversation I had on a previous podcast with Ryan Parkes. I don't know if you've met Ryan.
::Yes. So interestingly, he was he was somebody that someone else referred to me to, referred to mark.
::And he's all about men and men's mental health is, isn't.
::He as well.
:: ::And testosterone.
::Exactly. So he's talking about it isn't just that we have to speak up, it's that we've got to find different ways.
::Yeah, absolutely. And understand what's going on inside, like, physiologically. Yeah. And yeah, it's massive. It's massive.
::So important.
::I think the word that is hanging around in my head with what we're talking about here is permission. Giving yourself permission to.
::Not finish that book to finish that book, to ask for help to, to be in your own lane. Whatever it whatever it is that we're talking about here. And you know, I had a client this morning as well and something that she needed to hear was that she could give herself permission to put a boundary in.
:: ::Which she was needing to do.
::That permission slips massive, Alison. It's literally, yesterday I did a post. If you need a permission slip because it was the.
::Solar eclipse and.
::The new Moon to stay in bed or get into a cupboard.
::Then here it is because we don't give it to ourselves very often. And we again we talked about it before we came on and started recording was allow yourself the same grace that you afford other people. And if you start to do that, you actually think actually, what do I need? What do I need and you know.
::It's not selfish to put yourself 1st and what you're saying is almost like have permission to be authentically you. And then one of the challenges is that is knowing who the authentic you.
::Is because when we came into the world, we we carry we carry with us 7 generations of trauma. However, we're pretty untouched, aren't we? When we come into the world, we don't choose our parents and we don't choose the society we get grown up into. But everything then is taught. And so the, our authentic selves.
::Is on the other side of all the conditioning, and that's really powerful work and that's that's some of the work that we that Claire and I do in helping people really tune into who that is.
::And and giving them that permission slip to say, OK, we'll be her, then we'll be him then.
::I think so, and I think more and more.
::The way that.
::We live and the way that we.
::Are now.
::Again, the client I was working with this morning, we were talking about almost going against be you, which might mean go against everybody else, not not follow everyone else, not be the sheep she was actually talking about her son.
:: ::You know, letting him have a voice of his own that allows him to, yeah, possibly be different. And and it might not be cool to be different in that moment when you're 11 years old, but actually allowing yourself and encouraging him to not follow like everybody else and actually stand out.
:: :: ::Yeah, I'd put money on him being a manifester, so I've got a manifester daughter as well, and she's not designed to fit in. So all the way through school she's never felt.
::They're actually fitted in and so the problem isn't her. The problem is that the society that we're trying to put round pegs in square holes and so this is another reason why we're so passionate about bringing embracing individuality, not just not just in the workplace, not just in our own lives, but in education as well. So that these kids aren't given these labels as troublesome.
::Or whatever the condition is, or because they're just made created as individuals and the system isn't geared up for individuals. Unfortunately, the 66% of us that pretty much.
::Follow the curve.
::But there's so many, especially after the lockdown, I think there's so many young people now that are going. Nah, I don't want that. No, I don't want that treadmill. No, thanks.
::Yeah.
::No, I agree. I think there's even older people who are saying I've had enough of that treadmill. So they're wanting to.
::Get off anyway, but you know.
::I felt like today, Alison, get off, I said. I just want to get off for a nap, so that's what we're doing after this call, we're going to go and.
::Put our pumps on and go in the rain.
::Perfect. But I remember being at school and feeling like I didn't understand who I was. I didn't really feel like I understood how to fit in. I wasn't like extreme, but I was definitely not sure how to play the game because I didn't know what the game was and it didn't.
::Feel right? Certainly. And also within my family, I didn't feel like I knew how to fit in and it it creates problems.
:: ::You know, we've talked about that, haven't we?
::And.
::And there's.
::The way that.
::You show up is based on the experiences that you've had and you know for you as well, the you've had a lot of experiences when you were very, very young. And that shows up and it's normal for you and and until it's until you stop and look at it and think.
::Yeah.
::Actually, whilst it's normal for me, that's.
::Not really normal.
::And that actually allows you to then stop and make sense and give yourself. Give yourself that kindness.
::Give yourself a level of understanding. Give yourself a breathing space and go. And actually I'm doing bloody great.
::Yeah, but again, it's almost the permission to see that, isn't it? It's so so often.
::That's your next book, 'The Permission Slip'.
::I love that I love the whole concept of I'm going to be handing out permission slips left, right and centre and anyone listening today, anyone listening today we are handing out permission slips to just do you to be whatever and and it might be a tiny thing. You might just need to give yourself permission to do what?
:: ::Jules is gonna do, which is turn the laptop off after this and go off and have a walk.
::Or it might be something else. It doesn't matter what it is, but I think using language like this internally and externally and saying it's OK I I'm allowed to do this. No one's telling me not to, whether it's you or whether it's someone else's voice.
::Yeah, and. And damn, the word should. Yeah, good one should should is get in room 101. If you're doing stuff because you should.
::Yes.
::And it doesn't light you up and it's doing nobody any favours.
::I always like to get people and I hear them should-ing to.
::Ask who says?
::We made the rules?
::Who says that you should?
::Yeah.
::Do that or not, or shouldn't do that? Who says and when you pause to ask yourself that question, usually you're.
::You'll get a, well, no one really. It's just a idea in my head, and that's where people can then start to go. Well, don't do it then or or whatever. The appropriate thing is.
::Exactly that I haven't got time. Haven't got time for to do that for myself. If you swapped that out for I'm abandoning myself and my needs all of a sudden.
::So much but.
::That's OK. Well, that doesn't sound good. So we're.
::Gonna do that?
::Nice. Yeah. And again, it's that that almost that change of language is going to give somebody permission to do probably what's right for them. And that might be sitting on the sofa with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee or it might be something else. It doesn't matter.
::Again, I think people get so lost. I was working with somebody yesterday and the overthinking that was going on.
::It's exhausting. It's just exhausting. Just down the rabbit Warren all of the time.
::Yeah, come on. And and and there's a lot, there's low. There's so much so much of that. There's the overthinking. And then when people have lived this, this life of duty and obligation and business, their nervous system is addicted to that cortisone, that adrenaline.
::And so even when they tell themselves to slow down and switch off their bodies, not used to it. So they're still fine. And. And so the nervous system regulation piece is huge and.
::Think the more that we understand that, the more that we can then really tune into what's going on for us as a, as a human suit.
::Why do I feel like that, why can't I sit still. I can't do that because whilst whilst you may not have these obligations anymore, your body's not been told yet.
::Yeah.
::I think that's that connection, isn't it? Between.
::The mind, body, head, heart connection and just being able to actually take. And that's where sometimes for me looking at some of these shiny brochures, let's call them that are promising things.
::You know, they're they're.
::Tapping into a a A small part of what actually needs to happen, which isn't the work.
::It isn't overnight. It's not a sensation that can just happen, it's it's a it's a journey that you continue to go on every day.
::For for forever.
::It is. It is an and that's why we do very little one day stuff because.
::We do like snapshot stuff, but the transformational change for us is not the surface level stuff will work for a little while, but it's not sustainable. So it has to make it sustainable it. You have to go deep, you have to go to the core, you have to understand the somatic element and.
::Which is why we.
::Where? Where we.
::Gone down this trauma reform drew because again, knowing how to read body language, knowing how to understand what's going on for someone just by how their posture.
::Is and and and. What's going on in the nervous system will help us see beyond words.
::Yeah, because sometimes the words are not clumsy and cluttered, aren't they? Most often people.
::You know, or sometimes I don't say anything and and they think that they're hiding it really well, but actually when you can see what's going on and understand what's going on, you know that they're in like, either a functional freeze or they're actually in fight or flight or.
::Yet they're just using words to cover it up, because they've had this mask on.
::For so long.
::Yeah, yeah.
::And.
::And they've convinced themselves that the mask is.
::The reality, which of course it is, but it's not actually the sustainable reality and you know I like to talk about lots of pieces in a jigsaw and all of them are important every single tiny bit is important to make.
:: ::Up the big picture.
::You you spot on and when we when we did our clinical trial and we went to take it to another university to to ask to do more of it they wanted to they wanted to do they wanted to know which bit of it worked the best again they were trying to put stuff.
::In square pegs in round holes and I'm I'm saying.
::Every bit of it.
::Works. Yeah, it's.
::Bringing it together.
::And holistically.
:: ::That it works much stronger by doing it all, so I can't say that point one, two and three worked better because if you don't have point four, five and six then 1-2 and three may not have worked so well.
::So again, it's all about, yeah, challenging.
::The norm.
::I think so and and I think it's.
::You know, for me it feels like because there is so much potential that we can.
::Do, you know whether that is the basics like going out for a walk or whether that's the deepest stuff? Whichever it is, if you are able to focus on the fact that you have done something that day, then that's you making the steps towards. So we we often want the.
::Huge change, but actually just being able to pause isn't it? And noticing in the moment I did that, I was happy with that, just like that candle. And you know, whatever it might be and send that message to yourself.
::The first thing.
::To do every day is to make your bed.
::Because that's your first achievement of the.
::Day and you'll.
::Be able to look at it and.
::Go. Oh, thank you bed.
::That was a lovely sleep. Now it's looking nice for.
::Later, yeah.
::And it is something you've actually done and achieved something that day?
::Yeah. And again, it feels so simple and some people listening in might have some biggest challenges and they might think are that's not gonna work. But actually because it's a solid piece of the jigsaw.
::Yeah.
::And then in there, you're putting giving yourself permission for this and allowing yourself to this and.
::Being, please. It all makes up that complex.
::Every single bit and its own individual right. And I remember the lady that did her clinical trial with us. I said like exercise, she could hardly move. And I said OK, well, I want you to put the bins.
::Out this week.
::She looked at me, so I'm never going to be able to do that. And she.
::Did it and then.
::Yeah.
::You know, four months later, she's walking up mountains, so her putting the bin out like you say, it's that really important part of that jigsaw to get her started on that, that whole process.
::Because I think that's where people get overwhelmed, isn't it? They they see the the big changes or the big steps that they need to make, or maybe they look at what everyone else is doing or someone else is.
::Doing and then they they think. I can't go from here to there because they're not looking at the the steps and that's where I like to think about all the little bits. All the little nuances, the little language changes little bits and pieces that just help us be able to make those steps and suddenly you start to feel better and that's it you started.
::Absolutely. And it is the little things.
::The little simple things consistently that will create the greatest change.
::I love that. I think that's brilliant. Message to remember for all of us, it is the consistency. It's the smallest things sometimes make the biggest impact, don't they? And giving and permission slips on the ready.
::Yeah, absolutely.
::Oh my God. Listen, we're gonna be we're gonna be marketing them. They'll be on your merchandise next. Well, the permission slips.
::I love it.
::I love that. I love that.
::So space and freedom is obviously where you and Claire hang out. We've put the links in the show notes so that people.
::Can come and.
::Follow you and find out a bit more about you, but is there anything that you want to share before we finish?
::Really just just be you just be 100% you and if.
::You don't know who you are.
::Then just give yourself some space to find that person. We've got a free human design report on our page, which we put in the show, notes Alison. And people can get a free report just by putting in their details there to give them an idea of who they.
::Yep.
::Were meant to be when they came to this earth, and it sounds really wacky, but there's a lot of science.
::Behind it and we've not met anybody yet. That isn't doesn't align with their design. You need your name, your date of birth and your time.
::Of.
::Birth name, date of birth, time and place of birth. And with that you will. You will get a basic report which will which will answer lots of questions for you.
::I I enjoy doing mine with you, so I would definitely urge people to.
::Check that out.
::Thank you.
::But have a lovely week. Whatever you're all doing.
::Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today.
::Thank you for having me.
::Thank you for listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth. Remember, you can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last question to you is what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode? Message me.
::On Instagram or through our website with questions you'd like me to explore.
::We'll find the links in the show notes.
::I will be back with more tools.
::And tips to make sense of your mind in the next episode.
::In the meantime.
::Be kind to yourself. Bye for now.
