The fae tune in to Helena in a Handbasket to see who'll win their bet--will Lysander move in along with Hermia?

To read the full scripts, check out the show notes at: https://a-midsummers-quarantine.captivate.fm

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Episode Two:

Serpent’s Tongue

Cast

(In Order of Appearance)

Puck -- JOE CRUZ

Oberon -- TREVOR SCHECHTER

Helena -- AMELIA KINCH

Demetrius -- TONY WOODS

Hermia -- JACI SZILAGYI

Lysander -- GREG CARROBIS

Titania -- AVALON WILLOWBLOOM

Scene One

INT. PENTHOUSE

TITANIA

How long before it's live?

OBERON

Oh my dear, did something happen to your watch? Or your eyesight, to read the clock in the kitchen?

TITANIA

No. I merely assumed you'd be checking their status on social media every 45 seconds. Am I wrong?

OBERON

It's about five minutes less than last time you asked me.

PUCK

She's not wrong, then.

OBERON

And you, my dear? Are you not watching the road for the moving truck?

TITANIA

I am not, no.

[Guitar tuning]

I simply prefer to tune my guitar here, and this chair happens to be next to the window.

PUCK

Of course, you wanted the spot with the worst possible acoustics.

[Annoyed guitar tuning]

TITANIA

And you, my love? Was that your way of asking if I've seen the moving truck yet?

OBERON

[Starts to answer but Titania plays a guitar riff as soon as he does]

I'm merely--

[Guitar]

Titania--

[Guitar, louder]

Well, it's understandable that we both want to know the results of our wager!

[She lets him finish that sentence]

Especially since I'm going to--(win)

[Longest guitar riff]

PUCK

[giggles]

Hey, is that them?

TITANIA

That's an ice cream truck.

PUCK

You don't know what Lysander drives.

TITANIA

He doesn't drive at all, according to my friend Cobweb.

OBERON

I'm sorry, what? Cobweb?

TITANIA

Yes?

OBERON

Lysander's been communing with a muse friend of yours and you're just now mentioning this?

TITANIA

I have, in fact, mentioned it before. It's hardly my fault your memory is fading with age.

OBERON

My memory is not-- Hey! We made a bet, and you have inside information?

TITANIA

[patient and smug]

We all have inside information, we've been listening to their conversations live on air.

OBERON

You know what I mean! It's hardly a fair wager, if you have information I don’t.

TITANIA

[Dropping smugness for a moment] 

Oh, relax. All I’ve learned from Cobweb is that he’s flighty and “ethically slutty”, which you should have been able to figure out on your own. 

[Smugness back!] 

But my dear, if you fear losing to me, you need only say. We can come up with some...forfeit.

OBERON

[Sputters]

I'm NOT saying any such thing! I'm just saying...

[Doesn't know what he's saying]

I'm just saying the odds should be adjusted, and my winnings increased when Lysander doesn't move in after all.

TITANIA

The wager has been made. Robin, dearest, what do you think?

PUCK

In a way, you're both right.

OBERON

What?

PUCK

She did tell you, Oberon. About Cobweb. And you shook on the wager.

OBERON

Whose side are you on?

PUCK

But really, Titania, what would it hurt to promise more? If you're so sure of yourself?

[Threatening riff.]

PUCK

[amused]

Oh hey, looks like it's going live!

Scene Two

Setting: Mortals’ apartment.

HELENA 

Goooood morning listeners! Today’s the day! It’s move-in day! 

DEMETRIUS 

Whoa, hey, watch the ladder! 

HELENA

Sorry, sorry! Are the streamers too much? Here, take the tape. 

DEMETRIUS

Thanks. And no, not ‘too much’, so much as uhm… 

HELENA

What? What is it?

DEMETRIUS

Streamers are pretty visual. As are the balloons. And banners. And confetti rigs. 

HELENA

So? It’s been five years since I’ve seen Hermia in person, and I’ve known her since we were both 14! I want it to be a big occasion. Therefore, our audience should know we’re celebrating! 

DEMETRIUS 

No, sure, yeah, that makes sense. But… But we’re broadcasting audio only, right? 

HELENA 

Right. 

DEMETRIUS

So… 

[beat, as Demetrius realizes Helena is not following] 

Y’know what, never mind! I’m sure it’ll make the occasion feel extra special. 

HELENA

Exactly! Plus, when she sees this dashing man putting up banners? She’ll be all over you. C’mere I’m going to roll up your sleeves. There, better. You’ll want to flex a little bit. Carrying textbooks everywhere paid off! Show her you’re not some nerd! 

DEMETRIUS

I feel objectified. 

HELENA 

Dimi, you trust me, right?

DEMETRIUS 

With all my heart.

HELENA 

Then trust me. Now, for conversation topics, you can check the chart I made for you. It’s in your email. Otherwise, just remember that she’s all about modern art, art history, human history-- 

DEMETRIUS

And she has a boyfriend. 

HELENA

That’s the best part! 

DEMETRIUS

Is it? 

HELENA

Lysander isn’t moving in. Only Hermia is! And you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind… 

DEMETRIUS

[Protesting weakly] 

Or that absence makes the heart grow fonder. 

HELENA

Trust me, there’s no way this thing with Lysander lasts. Here, move, you’re putting it up crooked. 

DEMETRIUS

Okay, okay! Just hold on, let me steady the ladder. Take it easy-- 

HELENA 

She told me he was getting into huffing turpentine, Dimi.  

DEMETRIUS

Ew. 

HELENA 

Right?

[Beat]

Oh. Oh no. 

DEMETRIUS

What? What is it? Are you dizzy?

HELENA

Visual. The streamers and everything. They’re all visual. Shit.

[DEMETRIUS laughs.] 

We can’t even play the playlist I made! Dimi, this is a disaster! 

DEMETRIUS

What? Why not? 

HELENA

Copyright! 

DEMETRIUS

Oh. Yeah, that’ll do it. 

HELENA

Okay, listeners. Hermia is going to be here any minute now and I know you can’t see it all but--

DEMETRIUS

Hel is up a ladder, balanced on top of the ottoman, taping a string of teal paper flowers to the ceiling. While juggling the microphone. It’s extremely unsteady. 

HELENA

It’s cute! And you’ll just have to pretend you can see it all, okay? I’ll take pictures and upload them later. Dimi, take pictures. 

DEMETRIUS

You could not pay me to let go of this ladder. You’d die. 

HELENA 

Demetrius, I spent $56.79 on these decorations, and they are going to pay off in audience satisfaction. Then you and Hermia will fall in love. Then Lysander will be out of my life forever. So go get your ancient camera and--

DEMETRIUS 

Okay, okay! I still think this is a bad idea. 

[Gets softer as he moves away] 

HELENA

[Mostly to herself] 

I know you do. But if you had your way, you’d never meet anyone even without quarantine going on. And I know you’re lonely. I can see when you’re sad. You’re too good of a catch to stay lonely. 

[Aloud proper again] 

So that’s not going to happen. Not on my watch. Not to my best friend. 

DEMETRIUS

Are you threatening the listeners? 

HELENA 

Maybe. No comment. 

DEMETRIUS 

Uh-huh. Okay, so what am I taking pictures of? 

HELENA

All of it! You’re about to meet your future wife, Demetrius. Get a little sentimental! It won’t kill you. 

DEMETRIUS 

[Sputtering]

My what?

HELENA 

Don’t be a baby-- oh! Ah! 

[She starts falling]

DEMETRIUS

Hel? Hel, look out! Shit! 

[He drops the camera and there’s a crunching noise, but he rushes forward to catch Helena in his arms] 

I’ve got you. 

HELENA

Oh! 

[Beat] 

Hah. Um. Thank you. For catching me. 

DEMETRIUS 

[A little breathless] 

Anytime. 

HELENA 

You should really see this, listeners. He’s got me in his arms bridal style, like I weigh nothing. It’s super dashing. Bonafide prince charming here. 

DEMETRIUS

[Laughs]

You think so? 

HELENA

Yeah. I do. 

[Beat] 

Which is why Hermia is going to just adore you! 

DEMETRIUS

Ah. 

[Sets her down] 

Oh. The camera broke. 

HELENA

Shit, it did? I guess description is all you guys are getting, then. I’ve gotten a bunch of stuff, y’know? 

[She moves around and touches the stuff she’s talking about.] 

The most important part is that we’ve rigged up like ten confetti poppers to go off when the door opens. It’s going to be a mess of shimmery green glitter. The closest I could get to glitter cannons! That way her entrance has a real pop, eh? Get...