Episode Description:

Wendy Green and Dr. Liz Jenkins delve into the complexities of long-term relationships as we age, addressing the vital question of how to keep love alive amidst the challenges that come with aging. The conversation begins with the acknowledgment that relationships often face numerous hurdles, from financial stress to health issues, which can lead to feelings of disconnect. Dr. Liz emphasizes that successful couples are those who actively communicate and reconnect, even amidst life’s chaos.

They discuss the importance of recognizing when the initial passion and connection may have waned and how couples can reignite that spark by revisiting the curiosity and inquisitiveness they had in their early years together. By prioritizing open dialogue and sharing concerns, couples can navigate the difficult times together, moving from a place of frustration to one of mutual support and understanding.

As the discussion progresses, the two explore the intricacies of intimacy, particularly how physical changes over time can impact this essential aspect of relationships. Dr. Liz suggests that intimacy is not solely about sexual activity but also involves emotional connection and shared experiences. She encourages couples to engage in new activities together, which can rejuvenate their bond and foster a sense of adventure.

The episode also touches on the significance of maintaining rituals and traditions that provide stability and a sense of belonging in a relationship, reinforcing the idea that nurturing love requires effort and intentionality, especially as life evolves. Overall, the conversation is an insightful guide for couples seeking to deepen their connections and embrace the changes that come with aging, reminding listeners that love can flourish at any stage of life.

Takeaways:

• Nourishing relationships are essential for aging well, requiring ongoing effort and communication.
• Engaging in new activities together can reignite intimacy in long-term relationships.
• Couples should prioritize regular check-ins to maintain connection and understand each other's needs.
• It's important to navigate the challenges of caregiving without sacrificing personal relationship health.
• Open conversations about changing roles and responsibilities can help maintain balance in relationships.
• Creating rituals and shared traditions fosters a sense of connection and stability in partnerships.

Links:

• Become a member of the Boomer Believers group
• Check out all the amazing travel opportunities at roadscholar.org/heyboomer
• Dr. Liz Jenkins website
• Email Dr. Liz

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

OP3 - https://op3.dev/privacy

Wendy Green: 00:00:18

Hello and welcome to Boomer Banter. So the title for the show today is "Keeping love alive, overcoming challenges in long term relationships as we age".

Boy, that's a mouthful of a title and an ambitious topic to cover in 45 minutes. But that is what we do on Boomer banter. We have real talk about aging well, and having nourishing relationships is an important part of aging well.

I believe that in long term relationships there must be love. But is it possible to reignite the spark, some of the interest and some of the attention that made the relationship so special in the beginning?

In today's episode, we're going to address the ups and downs of long term relationships. We're going to talk about the toll that caring for an older relative or another, someone older in your family, can have on the relationship.

We're going to talk about our changing bodies and how intimacy may change as we age. And while we're at it, let's also throw in handling differences. Welcome to Boomer Banter, the podcast where we talk about real talk about aging well.

My name is Wendy Green, and I am your host. And my guest today is Doctor Liz Jenkins.

Doctor Liz helps couples reconnect, repair, and reignite their love, quickly transforming their relationships or marriages into their early years. Connection and passion. She is married for 38 plus years.

Doctor Liz is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a certified connection coach with over 75,000 hours of focused time working with women and couples. She is a trusted expert who quickly identifies each couple's and individual's unique path to success in their self love and their relationships.

Doctor Liz is a featured podcast guest on many shows and her true passion and her superpower is guiding couples to identify their unique path to relationship success. I am really looking forward to this episode, but before I bring Doctor Liz on, I want to invite you to join the Boomer Believers membership group.

Boomer believers is a way to stay connected and keep learning. Well, after the podcast is over, we meet twice a month.

On the first meeting, which is actually the second Tuesday of the month, we talk about the things that are on the minds of people in our age group. We've talked about humor. We've talked about relationships. We've talked about facing our fears.

We've talked about lifelong learning and dealing with stress. And on the fourth Tuesday of the month, we meet with one of our guests from that month.

to buymeacoffee.com heyboomer: 0413

We are a great supportive group of people and I look forward to getting knowing more about you. And let's welcome Doctor Liz to the Boomer banter. Hi, Doctor Liz.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:04:28

Hey, Wendy. Thank you so much and all your listeners and folks, I am so thrilled to be here.

Wendy Green: 00:04:35

Well, I am very happy to have you here. Thank you. So I want to just, I'm ready. Just let's dive in. Okay, awesome. Okay.

So I was thinking about long term relationships and the ups and downs and, you know, there's things like money stress and children's stress and work stress and family stress. And in the boomer generation, it became a little bit more acceptable to end a relationship when the going got tough.

So my question is, how do people hang in there when they're going through those disconnected times?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:05:10

Well, that awesome question, and yes, it is.

There is certain time period, almost an expectancy, that we've hit our, like, run on this relationship and there's nothing else that can be done about it. And I think some of it also goes back to a lack of information and an awareness of really what to be planning for and how to be anticipating. Right.

And so I love your group, you know, with the boomer banter, I think that this really does kind of pull back the veil of many things that we don't really talk about.

I don't know for you, but when, like in early days when we were going to have a baby, then having a baby, there was tons of information flowing offered, solicited and unsolicited about how to raise a baby or what to expect as you, you know, you're pregnant or as the baby's keeping you both up at night.

But I didn't, I don't see, and I didn't see a lot of accurate information for many of the couples that are coming to me years and years with each other.

And so that's what I think one of the things that we're here is, like, how do we, and can we really stay together and have a great second half or next half of this relationship? And the answer is absolutely yes. And so we can talk about some of that if you want me to share a little bit more about what that looks like.

Wendy Green: 00:06:46

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I, you know, because I know that for myself, when things have gotten hard in the past, I've been like, oh, I don't know if I can do this anymore. So, so what are some of the ideas that you have. I have a lot more questions, but let's stay with this one for a minute.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:07:02

Okay? All right.

Well, the first thing is recognizing that a lot of the original goals and things that maybe the tool that brought the two of you together have changed or evolved. Maybe it was coming together and you're both focused on climbing career ladders or having children's, or maybe the children came as a. Oops.

Surprise, but you really dug down and the two of you came together and focused on it and you successfully moved through that stage. But oftentimes when we're busy with life, we fail to plan or look ahead of what's coming and or illnesses come.

You know, they suddenly you're forced into retirement or you're downsized from your job and it wasn't on your list. And so successful couples know how to talk about these things and they spend time regularly reconnecting and, you know, revisiting some of those.

So think about the early days when both of you were young, you know, curious. We had probably had more time. We spent more time probably asking questions of each other, sitting around saying, so how are you feeling?

What's going on for you? I'm curious.

So we want to get back into that place where instead of being this long term couple that already knows what the other one's going to order when they go to the restaurant or knowing what they aren't going to order, no go on that type of thing, we want to get back to the same. So when we start, stop doing shortcuts and we step back and say, okay, let's explore.

And some of that means just really identifying maybe a rut that the two of you in, or identifying that, stop asking, how do you feel? And we also stop asking ourselves, what do I want? And how does my next tomorrow look like?

Wendy Green: 00:09:04

Yeah. So I tend to think that that falls to the woman most of the time to start those conversations.

And what do you do when the man is not interested in responding, in having those kinds of conversations?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:09:20

Okay, well, guess what? From the inside, behind the screen, so to speak, I see many mendenne as devoted or as interested, sometimes even more than their wives or the woman.

So whichever side of the thing, if you're the curious one or you're the one that's feeling that urgency to move forward instead of getting angry, which many of us do, we feel like, well, they're not meeting my needs, or they don't care, or I'm not a priority, or this marriage isn't a priority. We are actually making an incorrect assumption many times. It's our perception, you know, their activities.

So we really want to step back a second and say, okay, it's, if I'm the question maker, it's urgent to me. They aren't in my head and they aren't thinking what's going on.

So it's my job, my role is to bubble it up so they understand why it's so important for us to keep the Netflix off and talk about what retirement is going to look like, or Social Security, or the kids are finally out of the house, or the folks are finally out of the house. So it's the stuff that's keeping us up at night. And we need to be able to find a place in the space to do that now. Like any great business meeting.

And yet relationships are very much the business at times where we have budgets and we have things, expenditures and things we want to achieve and growth. Growth in kids, growth and income, pets in our world right now, it's fun, but we want to not ambush our partners. So what's a good business meeting?

We ask for a time, say, hey, is tomorrow a good time after work or, you know, Saturday morning a good time? We want to let them know a little bit what we're talking, what we want to talk about. I really want to talk about, like, where we're going now.

You've retired, maybe. And I'm thinking about that and what does that look like?

Or we've been in this house for x amount of years and I feel like it's too big or whatever it might be. You give them a taste or a little bit of the agenda.

The reason is you want the timing to be where they're rested and they're ready and available to talk to you about it.

You want to give them the agenda so they also have a chance to catch up and get on the same page as you, or to get on a different page, but starting to think about in their world, so they're coming prepared. And then the two of you sit down and you just kind of keep it open and flow and being curious of one another.

Wendy Green: 00:12:10

So. So that sounds very practical and problem solving related about the business side of relationship. Right.

But what if your thing that you want to talk about is them? The way they're. The way they're.

Maybe they've retired and now they seem to just be sitting on the couch and doing nothing and you're feeling like that's not good for them and you need them to get up and get moving or be more interesting or. So now it's like, how do you do that without putting them on the defensive?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:12:49

Great. Good question. And you're very astute in that, because it would if I were you.

And I said, Wendy, all you do is sit on the couch all day long, ever since you retired, you know, you're not getting up and doing things. And I think you've been sitting in that same beautiful blue blouse the past three days, and that comes across as criticism. Right, right.

Well, you know.

Wendy Green: 00:13:15

Exactly.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:13:17

So we turn it into a concern or maybe a complaint.

And how we do that is we put it back on us because I think concern, it might be like, wendy, I'm really concerned about this transition for retirement. I'm worried because I see you on the couch often. Not always. We don't want to use absolute words like, you're always on the couch.

You never change out of that shirt. Okay. We try to avoid that. So we come from a worry or concern, and we say what we see. I see you being different.

It's not like you to just sit on the couch and watch tv. And it seems like since you retired, that's been one of your major activities. What's going on? Or can I help? And just like, maybe it's no.

Or I didn't realize, or I've earned my chance to be on the couch and watch TVA. It's like, okay, I get that. I get that. But here's more my concern. I'm concerned that if this is how retirement goes, that both of us.

Both of us aren't gonna be active enough or ready to go do some of the cool things that I thought we were gonna do when we retiree. I've got two more years, and then I'm retired. And my goal was that we were.

Wendy Green: 00:14:39

Going to, I don't know, or travel or.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:14:44

Get these cool bicycles and go on a road trip, whatever it might be.

So you want to let them know a little bit about your concern with them, the impact it might be having on you, the fact that you also had some dreams or ideas of what retirement, and it just doesn't feel like them. And you're here to help.

Wendy Green: 00:15:04

Yeah, those are great suggestions. I think everybody needs to put this on repeat when you're dealing with those kinds of things.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:15:14

Well, it really does help because it really is a different message, because that's the ultimate bond thing, is you really are worried about them, and you really are worried about you.

Because if they become a permanent couch potato like that or they're having depression, that's increasing or they're feeling lost and haven't found themselves. It isn't that you've been in this 45 years in this marriage just to let them let this happen. It is a partnership.

In that respect, when you come from a place of concern, most people are willing to open up or hear what's going on, you know?

Wendy Green: 00:15:58

Yeah. So, yeah, that's helpful. Thank you. And just as I said before, I think that women a lot of times take the job of nurturing the relationship.

I also think women have been stereotyped as trying to change their partners. Right. And, and I saw a post that you did that talks about making yourself into the partner your relationship needs.

So are you saying we need to change ourselves into someone else? Like, help me understand what you meant.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:16:33

By we don't need to change ourselves into something that we aren't. All right.

But what we want to do is be open to continually to evolve and improve and try new things, because that is also what keeps us fresh and our relationship fresh.

So if we've gotten into our relationship has gotten into the kind of rinse and repeat where I'm the one that's the heavy and I bubble up all the problems and all the issues, then we're really leaving the relationship one sided as. Right. And we're also, like, being so effective.

And I see this with very highly, highly, I want to say efficient women, is that they get so used to handling all of it. They sort of build their, their husband or their spouse out of a role.

And so as maybe as children, things sort of decline or don't need as much assistance, and the husband or spouse is around more often, then it feels even that point, the load feels in the unequal, and we're not feeling like there's a partnership. So change is sitting back and saying, where are you? Where you know what's going on? How do you see yourself? Do I need to carry all the load?

Because that might have been actually a bad habit that doesn't need to be continuing.

Wendy Green: 00:18:10

Yeah.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:18:11

Yeah. I had one couple that they had been married for a very long period of time.

She was still working and he, he had come out of retirement and had a cool job opportunity. And they had made this switch, you know, maybe 15 years ago where they moved closer to be near her family.

And now he wanted to have his term and move. And it was going to be, it would be like a two hour drive difference.

And at first it was looking like it was going to be a stalemate, no go, because she refused to, you know, to stay to move.

And so they came to me and we talked and we chatted, and they came up with a plan that allowed her to get a little more creative and see, who am I when I'm not 100% connected with my family, you know, within speed dial and walking across the street kind of thing. So they came up with a plan, and they were going to give two years.

They purchased a house up close where his new job was, and she had the opportunity that periodically through the month, she would drive, drive down and stay at her sister's and work remote from there and get that little family fix and come up. And so she started being able to evolve and see herself as a separate woman from that family and.

And more invested in also supporting her husband's dreams, too.

Wendy Green: 00:19:45

So, yeah, so just by having those conversations and. And hearing each other's side conversations, conflicts.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:19:55

Tears, you know, a lot of. A lot of, you know, ultimatum kind of thing that then gets retracted. Yeah.

I mean, successful couples, you have to know how to have a conflict and how to prepare from it instead of avoid it. Yeah.

Wendy Green: 00:20:12

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You can go to Road r-o-a-d scholar.org/heyboomer and book your next trip. All right.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:20:56

That sounds fun.

Wendy Green: 00:20:58

It's great. I love Road Scholar. So let's get back to our insightful discussion with doctor Liz Jenkins.

And I actually have a question here from one of our listeners.

She says, how do couples break the realization or the habit of codependency, especially when one or both of the couple has health issues that limit an imagined plan for the future?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:21:24

Oh, boy. Yes. When you have a question. Yeah. Because. Well, one we want to talk about. Okay. When we talk about codependency.

So maybe sitting back as objectively you can.

Or if you have some trusted people in your circle asking them a little bit about how do you find that you over enable or over rely on each other or on the other person that might be. So we get a different set of eyes on what has become automatic for us is one thing.

The other thing is, if you were to disrupt the schedule, let's say that you always get all the medicines lined up and you dispense them the type of thing. And when they start to get up, you're already thinking ahead and you're pre planning.

It might be like, what if you were to remove yourself from that picture, that part of it, and just start with mentally, both of you start with it mentally.

If my husband stopped making the medicines all available or didn't make things, my walker or my cane readily available type of thing, what kind of anxiety, what kind of panic, what kind of worry would go through my head? And so we sort of mentally start thinking about that because that's probably some of the cues that we're over reliant or we're overly helpful.

We're extra helpful. Okay. And so what part of that could be safely dialed back or what part of that could we get uncomfortable and try it on our own?

And that's part of, like, looking at those rituals or ruts and routines that we've become, got stuck in and dependent on. I remember when one of our daughters was, had one of her back surgeries, and I was going to, like, get this and get this.

And the physical therapist says, remember, they're going to need to hurt to heal a little bit. And they're like, no, no, I know. And so it's going to be harder to watch them struggle a little bit, but they need to do that to be self sufficient.

And so that's as we age. Right.

Wendy Green: 00:23:52

Right.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:23:53

Need to be able to stumble over a word and not have someone fill it in.

We need to be able to get out of our comfort zone and maybe go into a group, a new group of friends or new friends, or try a new hobby to continue to keep us stretching and becoming new people. People.

And so talking about the roles that maybe that listener is where there's a medical illness, what are you worried about or what are they worried about? And how much, really is required, hands on, absolute 24 hours assistance in nursing.

And do you maybe, finances permitting, actually need somebody else that could come in occasionally and do some of that or train the other person? And I guess also there's a caregiver and there's a caretaker. Right.

And so when we're looking at longer term illnesses, you know, a caregiver at first is just handling something like that, but the caretaker is really, like, overarching, controlling finances, foods, purchases, you know, everything. And is that the role that one of you needs to be in at this point in time? Or are we jumping in a little.

Wendy Green: 00:25:12

Too early, taking on too much? Yeah.

And you know that there's going to be pushback because if you change the rules of the relationship or the rut that you're in, as you say, it gets a little bit, it gets comfortable. Yeah.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:25:28

Right. But it's not sexy being somebody's, you know, parenting kind of thing.

That's not many, many times it is necessary, important, short term or long term. Got it.

But it does something on the mind and the relationship when it moves us from being kind of equals and sexy and spicy and interesting to more ones, you know, heavy and there's a dependency, so.

Wendy Green: 00:25:55

Right, right. So I'm glad you brought up sexy because I want to go there.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:26:00

Okay.

Wendy Green: 00:26:01

And I want to talk about intimacy. So as we age, our bodies change. Right. We don't, we don't have that 20 year old sexy body anymore.

We may not be comfortable with sex at all anymore or we may be bored with the same old, same old. And so we've let that intimacy lapse. So how do we keep intimacy alive in a long term relationship as we age?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:26:29

All good questions and all real situations. Some people want to be intimate, like I said, but they either physically can't or it's uncomfortable or just like, eh, the desire has dropped.

Hormone levels have dropped. Other folks want to, but they're really just not proud or comfortable with the way that they look.

Or many times, like I said, some people have gotten a little heavier and so, I don't know, maybe there's a little bit more knee replacement going on and so we aren't perhaps as athletic. Although, man, I've been seeing some of these, these men and women on, wow, they were working out, man, they put me to shame.

I've got my game there on this 100 year old gal that's running the winning all these sprints and races and stuff. So, so it's never too, it's never too nervous. So I guess one of the things is, is intimacy really does start outside the bedroom.

And if we're bored or we're in these, we talked about the caretaker, the caregiver roles and things. It's going to be very difficult to get that spice going on.

And if you've come from maybe a drought where you had a lot of kids coming in and out or financial stresses or illnesses, understand that where you are isn't bad and it's not a sign of, are you guys not a good match? I really want to emphasize that that is not. Okay, well, we gotta end this one because obviously we don't click anymore.

A lot of different factors that come into it. Having the interest or having the desire of wanting to be closer to each other requires being deliberate.

It is not something that you just can like, oh, well, I hope it happens. It means getting more excitement and interesting things going on for yourself. First, you gotta kick up yourself.

Maybe it's looking at your wardrobe, are you will still wearing the same, you know, black jacket that you always wore and it's been a 15 year old jacket. Maybe there's a time that we need to change up some of our styles, some of our.

But that in itself has us feeling and looking differently, starting to do things together that are new, coming up with a new hobby, a new set of interests, working out together. All of those things start to increase our satisfaction and increase our energy level and make life a little bit more interesting.

There was a study, and I don't know if I shared it with you before, but researchers took the couples into a room, set them on this couch, and had them fill out a relationship satisfaction out, put them on an obstacle course, tied the legs together, they had to hop around, crawl all around, threw them back on the same couch, gave them the same assessment. And 100% of those people, after the obstacle race course, they rated their relationship satisfaction much higher.

It was statistically, I mean, it was.

Wendy Green: 00:29:58

Like night and day because they were.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:29:59

Working together, working together, doing something fun, laughing, falling. Yeah. Getting the adrenaline going. That is simple. And so it doesn't have to cost anything, guys, to get some of that fun back into your relationship.

And so instead of aging and getting more serious, maybe we start aging, being more playful and fun, like we were in the early years or as we were as kids. So that's one of the homework things. Get that going back into the bedroom. It's really also having a.

Some conversations and also maybe educating yourself if there's a problem with desire, either person maybe meeting with your medical professional around that.

If there's all sorts of things now that we know with physical therapy for women that are maybe experiencing pain or discomfort with intercourse or bladders and things are dropping, there are the physical therapy that helps improve that and reduces that.

So I think people really want to step into the age of information and feel checking with reliable sources, but finding ways to, one, where are we physically and what can we do to improve that? And then two, having some candid conversations about, you know, I just don't feel as pretty as I did, and my wrinkles are great.

So what do you wear that might be differently? How are the lighting? You know, no lights. Some lights.

Wendy Green: 00:31:37

Right, right. And I. And I think intimacy is more than just the sexual act.

You know, so I think that you can find ways to care for each other and, you know, be close and pleasure roll bowl together. And if intercourse isn't the thing.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:31:58

Yeah, that's not always. And that. And not as often as people think. And I think that's one of the myths. And people come like, well, how much?

And how often are people actually doing this? It's, like, completely across the spectrum, and the numbers vary. But what really matters is, is it right for you? Is it right for you partner?

And is it right for the relationship? So we can forget the numbers and just say, are you having fun with whatever you're doing?

And many of my folks talk about some of the best times were just when maybe they woke up or they took an afternoon nap and crawled into each other's arms and just talked and held each other, and it was very much like the early days.

Wendy Green: 00:32:45

Yeah, yeah. Those are nice times. Yeah.

And I'm glad you were talking about fun, because you have something that you do well, two things that you do that really, I think, bring out the fun. I loved them. So if you'll talk more about them, one is the texts that you suggest you send to your partner periodically and your flirty Fridays.

I think those are such fun, cute ideas. So would you talk more about them?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:33:09

Oh, sure. See, that we're talking about. Those are really, like, those are free, right? So it's not about a budget. So everybody thinks, budget. Oh, God.

Date nights. I'm like, no. And if people need free date night ideas at home and stuff like that, I've got a whole.

Wendy Green: 00:33:24

Yeah, yeah.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:33:25

Okay, so the text, one of the ways to keep that spark alive is that you send them something that's fun and nice. You ask how they're doing and how they're feeling. So this is the one time I say, get in there and embrace technology.

It's fun to just simply have somebody they're thinking about me, or they're asking, like, how's it going? You know, did you nail that interview? Or whatever, you know, might be, or as soon as you get home, I can hardly wait for us to.

For you to fill me in, or I've got dinner waiting.

It's really just keeping touch in that connection, because that's what really makes strong couples is that we do stay in touch with the pulse of each other. And the flirty Fridays, well, you want to start setting the stage right. You know, that's where the head starts. We're going to do this. We are humans.

We love to anticipate. I mean, that's why we have holidays and that's why we. It's on the calendar and, oh, only, you know, so many more days right now. Right. Ten more days.

And we're going to have Halloween for those people. Celebrate how we're gonna be. Look at this costume, or this is, you know, we're having this kind of candy or look at the neighbors are doing.

And so that's part of that anticipation. Anticipation breeds interest and energy. And again, it's that little uptick from irregular days. And so say something fun.

What you're looking forward to. Start to plan something out. Give them a compliment. Compliments are huge.

Wendy Green: 00:34:56

Oh, yeah. And what, and what if you have, like, routines that you do? Like my partner and I, we like to play pool on Sunday nights.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:35:07

Oh, okay.

Wendy Green: 00:35:08

Thing to do or share gratitudes or something. So what do you think? Does that get stale or do you like the idea of having, like, regular things that you look forward to?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:35:20

I love regular things. Rituals. Rituals of connection, traditions.

Those are grounding for a relationship and for a couple and as humans, that builds the sense of being known and being heard. And so pool is something. You guys look forward, you have fun.

And it would probably feel really awkward if those days when you can't do that or disappointing, like, I missed that, but that's okay. Okay, so if you haven't created these rituals connection, I'm guessing a lot of people do. Sometimes they're negative. So let's do the fun ones.

Let's say, how do we check in with each other? How do we compliment? What is something that you want to do and put it on the calendar, put it on your.

Watch, your phone, make a note so that it's a new habit, a good habit that keeps coming up. I don't know, for a lot of folks that maybe aren't in the boomers, but I grew up in the age where the tv guide came out.

ay, at Tuesdays, at night, at: 08:00

If you weren't there, you missed it. So we carved out time, right, because got things done ahead of time or prepped dinner or whatever, but the world stopped so we could watch it.

And that was something that my husband and I, we had a couple tv shows that we really looked forward to, and that was our night.

Wendy Green: 00:36:57

That's right. Yeah.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:36:58

And so find something that's like, that's our thing. That's our night. Whatever it is.

Wendy Green: 00:37:05

I like that too.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:37:06

We.

Wendy Green: 00:37:06

Yeah, we used to do some of that. So one more thing.

I think one of the challenges that we face as we get older and we're in relationships is some of our responsibilities to aging family members or a few in a blended family, to kids that are yours but not your spouse's. And so we could end up struggling with some guilt, like, am I giving enough time to.

To this part of my family and now I'm taking time away from my relationship, or am I giving enough time to my relationship and taking time away? So all that guilt and. Yeah. How do you deal with finding the right balance with that?

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:37:53

It's ever changing. Yes, absolutely.

Talking about one thing called, like, the sandwich generation, where we might even have, depending on art, you know, blended families, whatnot. We might even have some kids in the house, or we might have ones that boomerang back and forth. You know, they go out, they come back.

So we have these aside, and then we have, if we're so fortunate, we still have our aging parents or aging relatives who really do require some. Some time attention dependent upon their, their needs.

And so you do feel like, okay, because also, for a lot of us folks, we're still working, so we have our home to run our relationship, to be involved in our careers or work, and then we have these pulls on. And I want to say there isn't a clear cut answer. It really does, again, what your life and what your demands are.

And so you and your spouse can sit down and talk about, here's, where we're. Here's. I'm feeling stretched. Okay. I'm feeling super stretched. I feel like I go, go, go, go.

Kids are all great in their world and their lunch, but say I have elderly parents that I'm worried about, and they're constantly calling me, needing me this. And so the weekend isn't my weekend because I have to take them on their weekly shopping, whatever it might be.

So we really start talking about the stressors. That even makes maybe makes us feel guilty for saying that.

I'm so sick of having to take my uncle to the market every Saturday, and he just wants to go so slow, you know, look at every item and like. And so we want to talk about that. And then we start to strategize around. Is that necessary or is there someone else? Or is there another option?

Whereas really, my uncle would be just as happy with us visiting than going out, or we want to get to some of the, you know, like, the underlying reasons why it's every Saturday. And also we want to talk to ourselves. Get to ourselves. Like, what is it that's having me sacrifice my life, literally?

Because every Saturday that's going to be a three hour grocery shopping trip and I can't get to my stuff. So when I come back home, all my stuff is waiting there and my.

My husband gets neglected or drops through or the resentment builds and part of it is getting creative. Part of it. You talked about that codependency type of thing is really what is driving that.

I think your support group and your boomer banters is a really great place forum to talk about those shared, shared burdens. Also coming up with some really tough decisions. The one thing is that we love the people around the other people in our life.

And we also feel responsible at times. And sometimes we feel guilty if at some level that we aren't doing 150% of what they need.

We've also maybe built them into being overly reliant or having an unrealistic expectation of us that we could do it before, but we can't do it now.

Wendy Green: 00:41:23

And so we have an unrealistic expectation of ourselves, of what we should be doing.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:41:28

Right. What's a good niece? Okay. What's a good mom or husband or parent? You know, child to a parent? Adult parent. Absolutely.

So it's really doing some soul searching. You don't have to change anything. You can start to, you know, sort that out.

If you're feeling guilty about doing something or not doing something, that may be your flag that you're. You're. You're responding to somebody else's message or some inaccurate message that you set for yourself.

And so part of it is, okay, that's a good thing. I'm feeling guilty. I just thought, I'm going to say no to my uncle, or I'm not going to host thanksgiving this year.

I just wanted, like, don't want to spend that day in. In the kitchen. And I'm feeling really guilty. Boom, bang. All right, that's a perfect spot. That's.

That's probably one of those expectations that needs to be changed, shifted the way thanksgiving happens, if it happens at all, gets addressed so that it makes more sense for you now.

Wendy Green: 00:42:36

Yeah. Yeah. That's all kinds of good stuff. So before I let you go, I do want you to mention the two giveaways on your website.

And then I want you to share a couple of takeaways. I mean, we could talk for hours. We could talk for hours.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:42:52

But I do. I do. Okay. And so. All right, the first thing is, you want to reach out to me. It's DrLizJenkins.com.

and on my website there is a free couples connection quiz.

You fill it out, it comes back to me and we can chat about exactly where both of you are and what the strengths are about your relationship and where are the challenges so we can get you guys back on track. That objective set of eyes that's completely complimentary. And the other one is my couples cheat sheet.

And this is what I highly, highly recommend is you do the daily, weekly and monthly ways to stay connected or get reconnected with each other because we really want to build that love feeling, being heard, feeling that connection that they know you and you know them. Plus fun and flirty. And it's a very good way to stay on track and not let maybe things that have been bothering build up for very long.

Wendy Green: 00:43:56

Again, it's free, it's complimentary and it's on drlizjenkins.com. so I'll put that in the show notes.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:44:04

Yeah. And the other thing is I have this cool idea for those people that are retiring. And oh yes, in my email, drliz@drlizjenkins.com I'm here.

I love to talk with you guys too. You see, I have lots to share. I guess you guys dial me back there, Wendy.

But as we're going to, as we're going through anything and we're going to plan and talk about anticipation has one cool gal that was looking at retirement was felt like forever. But she'd heard that sometimes it sneaks up on you.

So she took five clear jars and she put twelve beautiful blue stones in each of them and put them in her window. And every month at the end of the month, she took one of those stones out and put it in a big jar over there.

And that helped her track and start to mentally prepare. Now it's four and a half years. Now it's four years. All the way till she was retirement. She was much better prepared emotionally.

So was the people in her world. She was able to downsize and she had already had a chance to plan what that next part would look like.

So whether you're looking at retirement or you're looking at maybe moving or trying a new career, having some way where the two of you can come together and track it and grow together in this next phase is part of what makes that successful couple stay successful long term.

Wendy Green: 00:45:27

Doctor Liz so much, so much you shared with us in a, you know, 45 minutes just flew by. So thank you. Thank you for that. I do want to wind up the month by talking about what's coming up in the last week of October.

And, you know, our discussions have been about relationships, but this time we're going to switch to the topic of our relationships with our pets, particularly dogs.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:45:54

Oh, boy.

Wendy Green: 00:45:57

My guest next week is Stacey Colino, and she is the co author of a book titled the "Purest Bond: understanding the Human Canine Connection". And Stacey is an award winning writer specializing in science, health, and psychological issues and the lover of dogs.

to buymeacoffee.com/Heyboomer: 0413

And just as a little teaser, Doctor Liz is going to be our guest on this boomer believer, which is going to be a week from tomorrow. So bring all your questions that didn't get answered today because I know there's a lot to talk about in this area.

And don't forget to check out Road Scholar and go to roadscholar.org/heyboomer and sign up for your next trip. Thank you so much, doctor Liz, for being our guest today. This has been very helpful.

Doctor Liz Jenkins: 00:47:20

Thank you. I always love having a chance to meet new people and ask questions. And Wendy, you're just such a great host and great person in my world now.

Thank you.

Wendy Green: 00:47:32

Thank you. Thank you. Let's stay in touch. You'll be back.