Divorce mediation can save you time, money, and emotional stress. Learn how divorce mediation works, why mediation matters, and how to divorce with dignity and peace.

If you’re facing divorce, this episode walks you through exactly why divorce mediation may be the smartest first step you take. As an attorney, mediator, and life coach, Lesa shares how divorce mediation helps couples avoid court battles, reduce legal costs, and protect their kids while keeping their dignity intact.

You’ll learn the 3 powerful reasons divorce mediation works better than litigation — plus the 3 big decisions you should make before filing paperwork so you feel prepared instead of overwhelmed.

This is real, compassionate guidance for women and families who want to do divorce differently — calmer, smarter, and with less damage.

Because midlife isn’t your crisis… it’s your comeback.

Timestamps:

(00:00) Welcome + why divorce feels so heavy

(02:10) Why Lesa returned to mediation after stepping away

(04:05) What a divorce mediator actually does (and how it’s different from attorneys)

(06:30) Reason #1: Mediation saves time

(08:12) Reason #2: Mediation saves money

(09:45) Reason #3: Mediation protects your peace and dignity

(12:20) The 3 decisions to make before starting divorce

(13:00) Dividing assets: homes, 401(k)s, pensions explained

(18:40) Maintenance/spousal support basics

(22:15) Child support + parenting plans

(25:30) Why mediation is critical for co-parenting

(28:10) Parenting plan course + free masterclass

(30:00) Encouragement for high-conflict or difficult co-parenting situations

(32:20) Final thoughts: doing divorce with dignity + where to get help

Key Takeaways:

• Divorce mediation helps you avoid costly court battles

• You can save thousands of dollars by reaching agreements together

• Calm communication leads to better long-term co-parenting

• Decide finances, income/maintenance, and parenting plans early

• Divorce doesn’t have to be a war — it can be handled with dignity

Guest Bio:

Lesa Koski is an attorney, divorce mediator, life coach, and host of Doing Divorce Different. With decades of legal and mediation experience, she helps women and families navigate divorce with clarity, confidence, and compassion. Her mission is simple: help people protect their peace, their finances, and their kids while creating a healthier next chapter.

Resource Links:

🌿 Work with Lesa (mediation + coaching): https://lesakoski.com

DIY Parenting Plan Course

Find More From Lesa Here!

Sign up for my newsletter https://enchanting-basil-714.myflodesk.com/qwzridafyj

Tags/Keywords:

divorce mediation, divorce help, divorce process, divorce support for women, co parenting tips, mediation vs divorce lawyer, peaceful divorce, divorce coaching, family mediation, child custody help, midlife transitions, women over 40 divorce, divorce advice, divorce podcast, how to divorce peacefully

Welcome listeners.

2

I am thankful that you're here,

and I'm sorry if you're going

3

through something hard like divorce.

4

I hate it for you too.

5

But I wanna help you get through

the process easier, and this podcast

6

today is going to go through three

reasons why you need a really good

7

mediator when you're divorcing.

8

I wanna give you those three reasons,

and then I'm going to give you three

9

things you need to decide while

you're going through a divorce.

10

And if you can get ahead of 'em

and do it before you even start

11

the paperwork, you're gonna, you're

gonna feel amazing, which is.

12

What I want for you.

13

So, and, and here's a little thing.

14

If you don't have kids, um, there's

two things that apply to you that

15

you need to think through before

you start thinking about divorce.

16

So I just want to prepare you,

I want to help you feel, um.

17

I wanna help you feel, I mean, we

don't really control anything, right?

18

We kind of surrender it, but we

can control our mindset and there

19

are some things we can control.

20

So you can control the process

on how you work through this, and

21

this is what I want you to know.

22

I have been a divorce mediator.

23

I am an attorney, um,

for many, many years.

24

And I stepped away for a little while

and I've come back full circle even.

25

And honestly, I stepped

away because I hate divorce.

26

I hate what it does to families.

27

I, I, I just don't want people

to have to go through it.

28

But then I went, ah.

29

My oncologist hates

cancer and she helped me.

30

She helped me walk through it beautifully.

31

She was, helped me cure it.

32

So, um, when I thought through that, I

was like, oh my gosh, I need to be back

33

here for my people going through a divorce

because I'm sure you don't like it either.

34

And this is the thing when we go through

hard things, please don't forget.

35

There are lessons in it.

36

Use it.

37

Use it as a growth and use

it to make your life better.

38

So, okay, now I'm gonna talk

about mediation and the benefits.

39

So a divorce mediator is different than

an attorney because they're gonna give

40

you legal information and they're going

to be someone who is just got a natural

41

ability to help you come to agreements.

42

So, um, that process.

43

Is, I think it's so amazing and

this is what why it helps you.

44

It no matter where you are in the divorce

cycle, it's gonna save you time and

45

this is why the two of you sit down with

a person and converse back and forth.

46

There isn't like a middleman that

you're paying, which is another thing.

47

You're gonna save money if you

can come to agreements together

48

yourselves working with the mediator.

49

And then even if you have attorneys, even

if you're in a high conflict divorce,

50

you can bring that agreement back and

say, this is what we've agreed on.

51

Um, so it's gonna save you time and money.

52

And I know that those are big things.

53

Those are big things for people,

especially when you're going

54

through something like this.

55

You don't wanna spend a bajillion

dollars, you gotta figure out how you're

56

gonna live the rest of your life, right?

57

So it saves you that, I think this

is the most important thing it does.

58

It saves you, it gives you peace.

59

I guess it's, it's saving you from going

through way more stress than you need

60

to because when you have a high quality

mediator, now I'm also a life coach,

61

so I know all kinds of tricks to help

you use your brain well, to help you

62

calm down and to help you communicate.

63

Better.

64

That's someone that you want working for

you with you to help you through this

65

process because it's hard enough folks,

it's hard enough to go through this if

66

you can have a little bit of peace, and

I am telling you when you can sit down.

67

Someone, and it's hard.

68

There's love, there's hate,

there's all kinds of feelings.

69

But if you have someone there that

can help you process through that and

70

pick up on what the real true message

is from the other person, and it kind

71

of helps the two of you communicate.

72

And here's the thing

that's crazy about it.

73

Couples who can communicate

well through their divorce

74

end up going on through life.

75

Now this isn't a scientific study.

76

This is what I've heard, being better

equipped to communicate in the future,

77

which leads to better relationships

because we do know how you end.

78

One thing is how you start ano

another that I am a believer in that.

79

And if you can do this, you know,

divorce with dignity and um, be

80

kind to the other person looking

at the key things that matter.

81

That's gonna make all the difference.

82

So high love mediation, done the

right way, done the right way.

83

Sometimes I don't like mediation,

and I'm gonna be honest, sometimes

84

I don't like it when it's.

85

Court ordered and the mediator says I

have a minimum of four hours, and the

86

attorneys are involved and it's kind

of like a court case all over again.

87

That's harder.

88

It can work.

89

And I get in there and I

help people make it work.

90

But I'm just saying really research

your mediator because they are

91

so important in this process.

92

And if you need me, just

go to lisa koski.com.

93

I'm here.

94

I can help you no matter where you are.

95

Um.

96

Through the process, so that's why.

97

That's why those are the three reasons.

98

Mediation is so important

during a divorce.

99

It is going to make you have dignity.

100

It's going to help you keep your dignity.

101

It is going to save you time,

and it is going to save you

102

money to come up with the plans.

103

I'm gonna just, I know this is really

quick and I promise I'm gonna connect

104

other episodes that I've done that can go

into more specifics, like I have one that

105

specifically covers fossil maintenance.

106

I'll include that in my show notes

so you can go back and listen

107

because this is kind of quick.

108

But these are the three things you

need to decide before you get divorced.

109

Okay?

110

These are the things you need

to come to an agreement on.

111

Big one, your finances, right?

112

Here's the thing that everybody

forgets, and I wish that everybody

113

knew who was getting married.

114

And make sure you tell people

who are getting married.

115

Tell your kids, tell your grandkids,

your nieces, your nephews, whoever.

116

In a nice way.

117

Marriage is a beautiful thing and it's a

partnership and the state that you're in

118

is part of your marriage because you are

now entering a legally binding agreement.

119

I, you know, I'm a.

120

A lover of Jesus.

121

And so I know that my commitment

is through, through my God as

122

well, but the state's involved too.

123

And so now you're bringing

your two lives together and

124

you now, it's like a business.

125

Everything you own, you own together.

126

And people often come to me and they

say, my 401k and my, you know, and

127

they're both saying, well, I'll keep mine

and I'll keep mine, just so you know.

128

I get what you're saying because

it's coming from your company,

129

but according to the law.

130

You share.

131

You share everything.

132

So the 401k belongs to both of you.

133

Now, I'm not going to say that there isn't

something called pre-marital property and

134

we can, I'll go into that a little bit.

135

That is just something that you had

prior to the marriage that you've kept

136

separate out of the marriage or a gift or

inheritance that was just to you alone.

137

Those you can call.

138

Mari property, you, you need to talk

through it and agree on it because when

139

you do your divorce, everything's on

the spreadsheet, everything you own.

140

On that spreadsheet and it's stating

who it's going to most states

141

like you to do it pretty equally.

142

When we work through mediation, we

usually do it equally, but I'm telling

143

you, I've had some oddball cases that

have gone through the court system,

144

and one in particular that comes to

mind was there was a, a lovely couple

145

and um, the woman had a huge 401k and

the husband said, I don't want it.

146

I don't want it.

147

And I got to the why of

why he didn't want it.

148

Very interesting.

149

He didn't want it because he loved his

work and he knew he would never be done.

150

And he, he didn't think he

had a long life expectancy.

151

It was his choice.

152

He understood that he had a right

to all of that, but he made the

153

decision that he didn't want it.

154

And they both put that in

their, um, agreement in.

155

That went to the court

and um, it went through.

156

So crazier things have

happened, but in general.

157

And if you're gonna fight about

it, we want it to be pretty equal.

158

And that can be so tricky.

159

I mean, when there's pensions

involved, it's not just the

160

value that's on the paper.

161

You're gonna need to have someone help you

find the marital value of that pension.

162

So, and I'm telling you, if you

have more questions, please sign

163

up for my newsletter or just

contact me and, and reach out.

164

Um, and I'll try to steer you to

some resources that I have so.

165

If you are like just starting this

out and you're like terrified because

166

you're not the person who's taking

care of the finances, there is no shame

167

in that female or male or whatever.

168

There's no shame.

169

There's no shame in not knowing the

finances because usually there is one

170

person that takes care of the finances.

171

This is what I want you to start doing.

172

Start paying attention to things

that are coming in the mail.

173

Like are there credit cards?

174

Just look at what do we,

what do we all have here?

175

Start looking at things coming

in and start researching.

176

If you are concerned, someone's

hiding finances, there are

177

people that can help you.

178

But in general, with the

lovely people that I work

179

with, they work together, they.

180

Share their finances and get

a good understanding of, okay,

181

how are we gonna divide this up?

182

I have to throw in here that house.

183

Ooh, the house is so hard right now.

184

Um, and it has been for a while.

185

I think ever since, remember, we had

the woo, really low drop in those

186

interest rates, and everybody jumped

in there and, and bought a house.

187

And now it's hard for families

a lot of the time because they.

188

Wanna stay in the house, but often

when you, when you get divorced,

189

there are exceptions that you can

reach out to me and I can connect

190

you to people that can help you find

the exception of trying to figure

191

out if you can assume your mortgage.

192

But if you can't, you divide that

out and then you have to have a

193

higher interest rate and then you

no longer can afford the house.

194

So.

195

Sometimes attorneys don't look down

all these avenues that someone like me

196

would help you look through, because you

gotta make sure that you're addressing

197

all of this because he Sometimes I

just learned, I had a good friend who

198

does divorce mortgages, Tammy Wall

and Sachs said sometimes attorneys

199

can put an agreement in the decree.

200

That the spouse will assume the

mortgage within a certain amount of

201

time, and then because of the divorce

and the amount the finances change,

202

they won't assume the mortgage.

203

They won't allow the assumption anymore

because you didn't meet that criteria.

204

So you wanna make sure you

get a team here helping you.

205

Um, you know, figure all of this out and

I do want you to know that in addition

206

to mediation, I do do divorce coaching.

207

Um, so I can help you in that area as

well to help you get your team in place.

208

Um.

209

I'm not a therapist who wants to like

hold, you know, have you keep coming back.

210

I wanna give you the tools to get moving

so that you can be prepared for this.

211

So that's how, that's

how I work when I coach.

212

So, um, so just remember that

home is gonna be a big one and

213

there's a lot of factors involved.

214

I know, I, I, I don't want

you to feel scared about that.

215

I want you to know you

can connect with me.

216

There's even a little ebook on my website

that had, that Tammy and I wrote, and

217

there's a lot of information about home

mortgages and her, you can connect with

218

her if you have questions about that.

219

'cause I know that is one of

the most important things.

220

A lot of times, especially when

you have kids, people get all.

221

Worked up about the house and

sometimes people own it together

222

until the kids graduate.

223

That is, that can be an agreement

that we come to in a mediation that's

224

called Thinking Outside of the Box.

225

When you have a great mediator, she helps

the two of you find all your options.

226

It's so, it's such an

amazing, beautiful process.

227

So.

228

Finances.

229

Another piece that's a little

bit different than the finance

230

piece is maintenance, because

when I talked about finances, I'm

231

talking about your assets, right?

232

So maybe I should have said assets

is one section under finances, and

233

then another one is maintenance.

234

Maintenance is based on your income, okay?

235

And it is dependent upon

the laws in your state.

236

When we work through mediation,

what we generally do is we look at.

237

Each person's income, and then we look

at expenses and we look at what are

238

their future expenses going to be.

239

We have to kind of.

240

Do our very due diligence

to do a good guess.

241

And I, I have a great worksheet that

will help you, you know, figure out

242

what those expenses are so you don't

miss something and so that you know, oh

243

yeah, I'm gonna need to have garbage at

the new place, or, or whatever that is.

244

So then we, we look at these numbers

and we go, okay, wife has, um, or

245

spouse, you know, spouse A has, um.

246

This income and these expenses and spouse

B has this income and these expenses,

247

and we look and we go, if they can both

kind of afford it, it's kind of an easy

248

option and you, you can leave it at that.

249

If it's looking like, Ugh, this one person

doesn't quite have enough to cover it.

250

And then you look at, okay,

what does spouse A have?

251

Over what they need, um, where

they could maybe help out.

252

And this is what I want you to know.

253

If you're in a long-term marriage, you

can, you know, often get maintenance

254

for a longer period of time.

255

Um, if you're short-term marriage,

which would be like 10 years or less.

256

And there you can talk

through this in your mediation

257

agreement however you want to.

258

But in general, that is how it works.

259

If it's short term, usually

what the court likes to see.

260

Is for you to get that maintenance and

to have a plan like, okay, I'm going to.

261

I'm going to go to a little

more school because then I can

262

get paid a little bit more.

263

So during this period, while I'm getting

this spousal maintenance, this is what

264

I'm doing so that I can better myself.

265

So I won't need to be to depend on

this person's, or maybe it's even that.

266

Okay.

267

The, the kids will be in school until.

268

This date, so I can't work more because

they're taking up so much of my time

269

or I can't go to school right now.

270

So then you maybe are

gonna cover it until then.

271

There's so much to this I know,

and everybody is so unique and I

272

am telling you I've seen it all

and I'm sure I'm gonna see more so.

273

Um, maintenance is another thing that

needs to be looked at, which is income.

274

Okay?

275

So you're gonna look at your assets, and

then you're gonna look at your incomes,

276

which includes looking at your expenses.

277

If you have kiddos, child support plays a

role and most states have a child support

278

calculator that you can just put your

information in and it'll pop out a number.

279

So, um, child support is different than

maintenance and doesn't really count in

280

the equation because it's for your kiddos.

281

So if you have kids, that's another

piece in that finance pool that

282

you're going to need to look at.

283

When you have children, I cannot say

enough how important mediation is because

284

the two of you will be connected for

the rest of your lives because your

285

kids are gonna get married, they're

gonna have babies, and if you can

286

do this right and not argue and um.

287

Show your children that you love them.

288

What we have found, and there are studies

that show this, is that when kiddos have

289

two parents involved in their lives.

290

It's the most beneficial thing and the

divorce has less of an impact on them.

291

This is what I want you to know.

292

I have a free masterclass that

talks about how to co-parent better.

293

I also have, I think

it's, it's so reasonable.

294

It's under a hundred dollars and

it is, I think it might be 47, but

295

I don't wanna say that on the air.

296

'cause I could change it in the future.

297

And I don't know when you're listening

to this, but I'm telling you.

298

It's worth a thousand dollars or more

because it is a complete parenting plan.

299

When you go through a divorce, you

have to come up with a parenting plan.

300

You can do it online together with

me, and I will walk you through

301

things you're not thinking of.

302

You know, when you get a little babies,

you're not thinking about, oh, what about

303

when they get their driver's license?

304

Right?

305

So I walk you through.

306

Everything.

307

And then like I said, there's that free

masterclass that you can just go listen

308

to see if you like that information.

309

It's a course that I did

that's evergreen on my website.

310

Go there and um, get tips on

how to work well together when

311

you get my parenting plan.

312

I also have Ellen Bruno is a,

uh, film producer who did two

313

documentaries on children and divorce.

314

Oh my gosh, you guys, they're so good.

315

They're gonna tell you what

you need to know, so, and you

316

can have your kids watch it.

317

I would ask you to watch it first.

318

I have rights to 'em.

319

And you get those rights to those films.

320

If you sign up for that parenting

plan course, I'm telling you.

321

It's amazing.

322

So she has these young children that

she does the documentary on and tells a

323

story about what they're going through.

324

Why that can be helpful for your

child if they're of the right age.

325

And you as the parent think it's

a good idea, is they can see, oh,

326

there are other people going through

this and seeing how they're handling

327

it, how other kids are handling it.

328

This is a thing that I find so amazing

because I've known her this long.

329

So then 10 years after that one,

she came out with another one.

330

She went back to those same kids

10 years later and you could

331

really see the impact divorce had.

332

And I am telling you, there was one cute

little boy who grew up and he did so well.

333

And it was because his parents

came together and helped him.

334

Um, feel loved.

335

He felt loved, and he did not

see them arguing about them.

336

Um, and there's lots of ways we can

help you not argue in front of the kids.

337

I'm telling you, take that

parenting plan course.

338

It is amazing.

339

Um, and I'm here for you if you need help.

340

Um, and then, then I just feel

like I, in the back of my mind I'm

341

thinking, okay, what about that parent

who's doesn't have another parent?

342

Or what about that parent who's ex

or soon to be ex is an asshole or

343

a narcissist, or whatever it is?

344

This is what I want you to know, your kid.

345

Is going to do well by seeing you do well.

346

So take care of yourself, function

and that you know, that means

347

like get your mindset right.

348

Show that child how to live a better

way because the rules are gonna

349

be different at the other house.

350

And if the child comes to your

house and you structure it the

351

way you know how to parent.

352

The right way.

353

You know how to talk politely to

the other parent that is going.

354

To be enough for your child.

355

I don't want you to be afraid.

356

When I said, oh, when two parents,

yeah, that's best if you have two

357

functioning people, um, of course

you're gonna parent different,

358

but that's the best for the kids.

359

But we know we don't all get that, right.

360

That's why we hate this stuff sometimes.

361

But that doesn't mean that your

child isn't gonna do amazing because.

362

They get to experience something

and really build resilience to

363

prepare them for this world.

364

So just remember that because that those,

that the kiddo piece is a tough one and

365

um, lots of my clients are so afraid of

that, but this is what your kids need.

366

They need you to be.

367

Functioning, have your mindset

right, take care of yourself.

368

And if you're in a bad marriage or there's

verbal abuse or whatever there is, that

369

isn't going to be better for your kid.

370

I know a lot of people stay

together for the children.

371

Um, and I believe in marriage.

372

I've been married 34 years, however.

373

You just, this is between you and God

above and you know the decision that

374

you need to do, and he is gonna walk

with you and I wanna walk with you

375

and help you in any way that I can.

376

I am here.

377

Go to lisa koski.com

378

and expect more of these.

379

I'm going to do my best to keep

sending out more information so

380

this can be less scary and people

can start doing this a better way.

381

'cause it is, I feel like

it's the only way to do it.

382

Alright.

383

Thanks so much for being here.

384

Take good care.