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3 - The Vegan Jerky Debacle
Episode 3 • 26th December 2024 • Unfuck Your Life: An Audio Drama • Jen deHaan
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Things got a little bit complicated for Tog Chesterfield with a flock of juncos all because of... vegan jerky.

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This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, written, directed, edited, and produced by Jen deHaan. It is partially improvised!

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Jen deHaan (any voices by guests are noted above)

Artwork, logo, and graphics:

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Transcripts

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This week on the show, things got a

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little bit complicated for Tog Chesterfield with a

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flock of Junkos, all because of vegan jerky.

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You're with Tog Chesterfield on 101.7 FM

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The Grack.

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I'm trying to pick up the pieces and

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fix up my life after I hit rock

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bottom, and I'm taking you along as I

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try new things and attempt to embrace life.

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I'm Fuck Your Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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Welcome to the show.

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Right now it's 5.02 PM.

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I'll be with you here for your commute,

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or while you prepare your dinner, or while

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you wait to pick up your kid around

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the corner from their best friend's house because

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they're kind of embarrassed by your vehicle.

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I'm your uninvited guest for the evening, or

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invited if you chose to dial in to

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101.7 FM, I guess.

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So tonight I'll be letting all of you

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in on a little debacle I had with

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my latest foray into solopreneurship after I lost

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my job.

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I'm still making food in this one, but

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this time I'm making vegan jerky.

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But that debacle ended up getting myself a

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new roommate, so it wasn't so bad in

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the end.

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But how did it all start?

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Well, I've been going to bulk bins to

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save money on food, but my dinners had

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been getting a little bit boring, as I

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let you know about in an earlier show.

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So I was there looking at some of

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the vegan jerky they had at bulk bins,

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but it was pretty expensive because it was

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all surprisingly artisanal.

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Is it artisanal?

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Yeah, artisanal.

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Hey Dan, I'm wondering if we could maybe

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make a deal on this artichoke dandelion vegan

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jerky?

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If I maybe bought a lot of it,

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or if I did a bin wipe down

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or something?

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Yeah, no bartering on the artichoke dandelion jerky.

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How about some of the lavender gooseberry nutritional

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yeast vegan jerky?

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Or a wipe down?

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Yeah, no bartering on the lavender gooseberry nutritional

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yeast jerky.

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The, uh, sunchoke ginger and cardamom jerky?

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Or a wipe down?

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Yeah, no bartering on the sunchoke ginger and

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cardamom jerky.

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It turns out that every flavor, and there

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were 15 of them, I asked about all

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of them, they were all already at cost.

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So there was no bartering, and I didn't

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get to do a wipe down of the

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bins either.

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And Dan ended up putting up a sign

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that week since I wasn't the first one

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to try bartering at bulk bins for jerky.

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And some guy came in with a chamois

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every Wednesday to have a go at the

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bins in aisle three without asking at all.

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I didn't realize I'd walked into something kind

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of weird, and I was, well, now I

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was part of the problem too.

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But I looked at the ingredients label, and

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it was all things I could get there

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at bulk bins, and I thought, well, why

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don't I try making this myself?

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Especially now that my sourdough incident was becoming

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old news.

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I really wanted to be, you know, so

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creative as people do on the internet and

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give it my own spin.

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But I had learned my lesson on that

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with the sourdough, so I decided this time

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to be cautiously creative because I'm, well, I

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believe that being creative, it would really help

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with the depression that had set in once

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I hit rock bottom.

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I think that being creative can kind of

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be helpful if you're depressed.

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There isn't a whole lot of conclusive evidence

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that being depressed as a human makes you

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more creative.

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I mean, I looked because I was hoping

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maybe that would be true.

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But every time I, I try to be

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creative, the main thing is, is it makes

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me feel kind of like doing something new

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with my hands and using my, you know,

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kind of damaged mind.

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It made me feel a bit better.

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It's like I could communicate with others without

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needing to think of the proper words to

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use when I wasn't feeling well.

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I didn't have to rely on my non

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-dependable mind to talk to other people, but

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I could still connect with people through the

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thing that I'd made.

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And that's kind of neat.

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Something I wanted to try again to get

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myself out of rock bottom.

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So, so I set out to make my

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own TOG version of vegan jerky.

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But first, let's take a quick break.

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I'm Tog Chesterfield here on 101.7 The

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Grack, and this is Un-Fuck Your Life

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with, well, Tog Chesterfield.

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Un-Fuck Your Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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Back to the show.

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So I figured out a fantastic recipe that

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I could make on my own and in

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my oven.

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And it didn't stink up anything while it

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was dehydrated in there.

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I used king oyster mushrooms.

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I used some vital wheat gluten.

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I used nutritional yeast, of course.

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I used sunflower seeds and, oh, just a

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bunch of good spices, including that cardamom.

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I liked the sound of that idea from

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bulk bins.

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But I needed a big old dehydrator to

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make it into my new job because, you

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know, you gotta make a lot of it

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if you're gonna, you know, do it as

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a business.

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And since I didn't have much of my

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own money anymore, it got mostly dried up

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again after the sourdough incident I told you

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about last week.

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I went to the Grackleton Classifieds online and

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looked up dehydrators there.

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And lo and behold, I found one that

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looked like somebody had made it themselves with

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their own hands and they were giving it

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away for free.

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I just had to move it myself.

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Luckily, I still had my Ford Transit van

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with enough gas to make it to the

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seller's house and back.

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Actually, that seller is now my latest roommate,

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Joe Roost.

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You might remember Eaton from the last show.

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Well, they discovered that they were allergic to

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potato skin and had to move out.

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I just have too much of it in

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this place, I guess.

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But now Joe has taken over my old

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office.

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And Joe's really nice.

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And they showed me how to use the

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dehydrator and set it up in the kitchen

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too.

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I made some test batches and I started

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selling them at bulk bins and a coffee

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shop nearby.

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And people really seemed to like them.

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And I got reorders within the week.

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So I, you know, started making it for

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real.

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But things, well, things quickly went downhill.

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You see, I was storing the big bags

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of sunflower seeds on my balcony, next to

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the scarecrow, Burl Booch.

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But you see, birds are smart, especially the

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local juncos.

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And they, the juncos, and a few other

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types of birds, including grackles, of course, they,

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well, they all flocked to the balcony.

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They told each other and more came and

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more came.

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And all of them got into the sacks

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of seeds there.

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They flew right around Burl.

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Burl didn't work as a scarecrow at all.

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And they ate every single sack I had

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out there.

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And you see, well, the problem was the

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HOA president, Lewis Pepperoni.

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Lewis parks his custom painted 1989 Toyota Supra,

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the same kind of car as the mayor,

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because they're part of some super appreciation club.

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Well, he parks it outside my townhouse.

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The birds, well, they got his Supra real

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good with their poop.

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So I ended up needing to write another

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apology letter to Lewis.

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Dear Lewis Pepperoni, I'm sorry I attracted the

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junco birds who defecated upon your Toyota Supra's

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custom paint job.

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The car was very nice.

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As is your dog, Pepperoni.

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Tog Chesterfield.

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I also had to write an apology letter

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to the Supra Appreciation Club.

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And read it at their annual summer picnic

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gathering.

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Yeah, now we have a quick statement from

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Tog Chesterfield, who joins our gathering in their...

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What the...

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What the hell is that thing?

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Their 2009 Ford Transit Connect.

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Okay, Tog.

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Thank you.

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Dear East Grackleton Chapter of the Toyota Supra

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Appreciation Club, Thank you for having me here

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today.

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I want to apologize to the Supra enthusiasts

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about the increase in the local junco population

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due to my improper...

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And uncouth!

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Sure, uncouth storage of sunflower seeds on my

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balcony.

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Supras are very nice.

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Tog Chesterfield.

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The Appreciation Club voted to disallow my new

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vegan jerky to be sold within Grackleton town

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limits in the best interest of the local

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Supra owners.

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And that made it into, you know, Grackleton

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town law because the mayor is part of

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the club.

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Oh, it's time for the weather.

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Unfuck Your Life is brought to you by

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decorative and custom coasters for your favorite hot

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or cold beverages in Grackleton.

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Get ready for the weather.

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Tonight, Grackleton is expecting a high pressure system

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to arrive tonight, bringing with it abundantly cool

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and dry air.

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This means it's time for you to grab

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your chapstick and hydrate those lips of yours.

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cup coaster requisition.

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Thank you.

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I fuck your life with Todd Chesterfield.

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So my vegan jerky journey ended before it

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really began.

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I managed to get some first batches out

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before the birds took over my balcony and

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ruined Lewis's custom paint job.

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And the reviews were pretty good.

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Indeed, for someone who is new to the

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vegan jerky biz, I think.

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I thought about taking things online, maybe, and

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shipping the jerky to people outside of town

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limits.

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But I was really looking for some local

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connection instead.

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Honestly, though, I was also looking for simplicity.

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Slowing down.

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Our lives have really become so busy and

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disconnected.

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We're so stuck on our phones and getting

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things done and being busy.

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Usually alone and really disconnected.

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And then if you want to sell something

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on the web, like jerky, we need to

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be five different people.

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You're the jerky maker, and the packager, and

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the web builder, and graphics, and the social

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media-er.

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Oh, that part.

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I know that's what I did at Apocalypse

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.cloud. And the payment gateways person, and shipping,

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and customer service, and gosh knows what else.

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That's more than five things.

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And you're still pretty disconnected, despite all of

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it.

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But I know Grackleton.

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I've lived here my whole life, almost.

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And I know that even though Grackleton is

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small, and we have our funny ways here,

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I know those funny ways.

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And I can understand them.

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And I can put up with them, too.

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And I can put jerky right in people's

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hands.

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And I can tell them how it's made,

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and who made it.

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And they know that it's made by someone

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here.

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That they might kind of know, if I'm

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the one telling them, at least.

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It connects me to the place I live,

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though.

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The Supra Appreciation Club ended up coming over

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to clean Lewis's Supra from the junco poop.

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And then they came over and cleaned up

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my balcony, and left me all the leftovers

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from the picnic, because they knew that I

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needed some food.

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Community care and love might not happen all

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that often, but when it does, it sure

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makes a difference.

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And simplicity works pretty well in a world

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that's changing so rapidly, in really confusing and

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scary ways.

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When I set out on the path to

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get out of such a bad place, this

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rock bottom, I knew it was a place

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I didn't want to be anymore.

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And I knew that I had to do

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this thing here, with the people that I

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knew, in the place that I knew.

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Even if I felt sometimes like it maybe

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didn't have my back in its weird ways,

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I knew that I could trust myself to

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find a way and find people here in

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Grackleton to- Oh, sorry, Tog!

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It's Joe!

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Joe Roost of Dehydrator Fape!

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Oh, yeah!

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Hi, Joe!

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Of course!

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Of course!

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Hang on!

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So I just got back with a few

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groceries to put in the fridge.

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I just saw that sign that I can

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have half the fridge.

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I was thinking of taking the back half

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of the fridge, and I just wanted to

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run that by you just in case, because

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I know it's probably not super anticipated, like

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probably not the first thing that you're thinking,

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right?

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Oh, yeah, no, that's probably not what I

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would have- I wouldn't have guessed that.

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Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, you see, I'm a

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Jenga enthusiast, by the way.

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Do you think that you might want to

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do a round of that tonight?

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You see, I'm a Jenga enthusiast, so that's

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why I like the back half of the

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fridge, the back half.

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Yeah, because I can kind of like-

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It helps, it helps, especially with big items

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like a carton of oat milk or something.

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Anyways, yeah, do you maybe want to do

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a round of Jenga tonight, you and me,

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after you're done your show here?

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Oh, wait, wait, are you doing a show

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right now, hon?

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Am I on the air?

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Am I going to be famous?

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Yeah, actually, yeah, actually, you are, Jo, you

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are on the air.

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You might be famous.

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Do you want me to move all those

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potatoes?

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They're kind of in the way.

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Oh, so yeah, but I'll be down soon.

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I'll help.

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I'll move my stuff to the front half

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then.

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So that's it for this week's episode of

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the show here on 101.7 FM The

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Graph.

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Stay tuned for Lonnie's lawn report at six

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about the new grass height regulations that just

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passed Grackleton's Town Hall, because I heard that

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this report might get a little heated.

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You have been listening to Un-Fuck Your

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Life with Todd Chesterfield, a Stereo Forest production.

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This episode was written, directed, edited, produced, and

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all voices were by Jen DeHaan.

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You can find all show notes and sign

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up to get notified about new episodes on

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StereoForest.com.

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