hey there, 

we all have done stuff in life that we are not a 100% proud of or even ashamed of

My friend Sean and I thought i'd be important to talk about some "stuff"

Talk about it and make sense of your stuff and then get rid of it. 

Don't run around a whole lifetime with shame weighing you down ..

enjoy this very raw and genuine talk

with warmth 

always

Aurora

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Free yourself from the ongoing destructive inner chatter become the strongest most authentic version of yourself.

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Unknown: 00:00:20

Hello, this is Aurora, and I'm very excited to announce

Unknown: 00:00:24

today that I have an interview for you with Sean Dustin, check

Unknown: 00:00:32

ut his podcast called nowhere o go. But up now, very

Unknown: 00:00:39

nspiring interviews he has here and his work is just very

Unknown: 00:00:45

ncredible, very raw, genuine. nd he puts so much love and

Unknown: 00:00:52

ork into it, and has incredible uests with crazy good,

Unknown: 00:00:58

nteresting knowledge that it ill blow your mind or really

Unknown: 00:01:04

ouch your heart at times, w started talking and decided t

Unknown: 00:01:10

create series for you, we wil come up with a title soon. Wher

Unknown: 00:01:18

we talk about abuse, both Shaw and I have been abusive in ou

Unknown: 00:01:26

past with our partners, no physically abusive, bu

Unknown: 00:01:32

emotionally and mentally. And w want to talk about it, be ope

Unknown: 00:01:37

about it, and give people platform where they can shar

Unknown: 00:01:43

their experiences their journey But also, yeah, just for peopl

Unknown: 00:01:50

who want to understand what i going on when a person i

Unknown: 00:01:55

behaving aggressively emotionally or mentally. S

Unknown: 00:02:01

enjoy this conversation, it wil be the first one of many

Unknown: 00:02:07

hopefully. And, yeah, this i gonna be an awesome projec

Unknown: 00:02:15

here, just for you. Thanks fo listening. Bye bye

Unknown: 00:02:20

I'm a formerly abusive person. it's taken me a long time to b

Unknown: 00:02:28

able to say that without, it w s really hard for me to get tha

Unknown: 00:02:34

out, you know, at a certain oint in my life, you know, maybe

Unknown: 00:02:37

about a year ago, up to the , you know, it's something th

Unknown: 00:02:41

t I've done throughout all of my relationships, I've had five

Unknown: 00:02:48

that have failed so far from he time I was, I would say 18 ti

Unknown: 00:02:52

l 40 my last one was two and a h lf years ago. So maybe 4544. S

Unknown: 00:03:00

that's a long, long list, and a long period of abusive typ

Unknown: 00:03:06

of behavior. Now, you kno , I'm not proud of it. And I t

Unknown: 00:03:13

ink that both of us can agree ere that, you know, the reason

Unknown: 00:03:17

hat we're doing this isn't to rag, or to, you know, glorif

Unknown: 00:03:20

in any way whatsoever, you kno , our behavior. I'm speaking f

Unknown: 00:03:27

r myself, and I'm pretty su e that low overall you feel

Unknown: 00:03:31

he same way. And yeah, I mean, I used to be verbally, very verb

Unknown: 00:03:38

lly abusive, emotionally abu ive, I was never reall

Unknown: 00:03:46

a physically abusive person, yo know, although I did have

Unknown: 00:03:50

ullying kind of behavior, where would block doorways, or keep

Unknown: 00:03:54

he door shut from from opening. 've, you know, shoved my sig

Unknown: 00:03:59

ificant other before or would p rposely get in the way and wou

Unknown: 00:04:07

d bump them. You know, just al the kinds of things that you

Unknown: 00:04:12

ould expect from somebody wh was immature, you know, h

Unknown: 00:04:16

nestly, and not very emotional y intelligent, not, you know

Unknown: 00:04:22

when I didn't get my way is sually when it would rear its

Unknown: 00:04:27

gly head. Yeah. And in order for me to bend them to my will,

Unknown: 00:04:32

would use intimidation and stu f like that on when I would fe

Unknown: 00:04:38

l like when I would get so an ry to the point where I'd want t

Unknown: 00:04:44

hit them. I knew that I couldn t. I mean because I get in trou

Unknown: 00:04:48

le. It's not because I didn't ant to or didn't think about d

Unknown: 00:04:52

ing it. It's I knew I would ge in trouble and go to jail. S

Unknown: 00:04:56

that was greater a deterrent, then just it not being the

Unknown: 00:05:01

ight thing to do. Right. Do s that make sense? Yeah, tot

Unknown: 00:05:06

lly. And, and so I would do ther things that I knew that

Unknown: 00:05:11

would hurt him, I would atta k their issues. You know, i

Unknown: 00:05:14

you were overweight, I would ttack you there. If you had som

Unknown: 00:05:18

sort of other thing that I kn w that was that you didn't?

Unknown: 00:05:22

don't know, you get what I'm saying? You know, it was just

Unknown: 00:05:31

I was just a mean person. Ye h. And it was because I was

Unknown: 00:05:34

't happy with me. You know, I wa n't happy with the person t

Unknown: 00:05:40

at I was inside. I wasn't, yo know, if I was attacking,

Unknown: 00:05:43

ou know, somebody for thei weight. What I'd figured out

Unknown: 00:05:46

post was, I struggle with eight. So it wasn't really them

Unknown: 00:05:53

hat I was attacking, it was me t at I was attacking and projec

Unknown: 00:05:57

ing it onto them.

Unknown: 00:06:00

Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:06:02

And a lot of that, you know, there was some of that tied in

Unknown: 00:06:05

there. And then there was just some fear, you know, a lot of

Unknown: 00:06:08

fear goes into wind. So when you're afraid of somebody losing

Unknown: 00:06:12

you, then you've tried to control them, are you are you

Unknown: 00:06:14

losing them, because of the behaviors that you that I

Unknown: 00:06:17

created? Right. And so, I mean, there was a lot of that, that

Unknown: 00:06:23

was involved in how I was. And, you know, I often say that, you

Unknown: 00:06:30

know, and I don't condone hitting anybody, but when

Unknown: 00:06:35

somebody hits you, or you know, may physically hurt you, that

Unknown: 00:06:40

goes away in a couple of days. You know, this, the scar or the,

Unknown: 00:06:45

the, the bruise, whatever it is that that goes away, and yeah,

Unknown: 00:06:50

you're pissed at him. But that's about where it ends, right? When

Unknown: 00:06:55

when you attack somebody emotionally or verbally, and

Unknown: 00:07:00

start playing on their issues and attacking who they are at

Unknown: 00:07:03

the fabric, that doesn't go away. That stays for a long time

Unknown: 00:07:10

sometimes. And sometimes it stays forever. So in my opinion,

Unknown: 00:07:16

when I think about you know what I've done in my behavior, I like

Unknown: 00:07:21

I'm worse than somebody that that I was worse than somebody

Unknown: 00:07:24

that physically abused somebody, because the lasting impacts of

Unknown: 00:07:27

what I did, lasted far beyond probably the person that you

Unknown: 00:07:32

know, physically abused somebody. Now, that may be the

Unknown: 00:07:35

wrong way to look at it. I don't know, I'm not a professional.

Unknown: 00:07:37

And you know, I'm not giving professional advice here at all.

Unknown: 00:07:41

I'm just talking about my own personal experience, my own

Unknown: 00:07:45

behavior, and how I dealt with it and how it impacted me and

Unknown: 00:07:49

the people around me.

Unknown: 00:07:51

Yeah. Wow, thank you for sharing all this. And one thing I want

Unknown: 00:07:56

to add, before I start opening up more about my stuff is when

Unknown: 00:08:02

it comes to physical abuse, or let's say it a different way,

Unknown: 00:08:07

emotional abuse, verbal abuse is very destructive and aggressive.

Unknown: 00:08:13

But when it comes to physical abuse, it also leaves scars like

Unknown: 00:08:19

not visibly, but to then fear your partner, because men are

Unknown: 00:08:24

usually always stronger than the woman to then suddenly have that

Unknown: 00:08:31

fear from the physical pain from your partner, where you want to

Unknown: 00:08:35

be open and vulnerable, physically, is intense, and

Unknown: 00:08:41

really, really hard to get out of your system. So I think it's

Unknown: 00:08:46

both pretty much the same. And it's good that you only did the

Unknown: 00:08:52

emotional part, but the physical part is, is very deeply scarring

Unknown: 00:08:58

as well.

Unknown: 00:09:00

From my experience,

Unknown: 00:09:02

yeah, and see that they're like, I don't know, that side of it.

Unknown: 00:09:06

So I mean, maybe I may be even speaking out of out of, you

Unknown: 00:09:10

know, context there. Or, you know, since I don't have that

Unknown: 00:09:15

perspective, maybe I shouldn't make maybe I shouldn't comment

Unknown: 00:09:19

and say that it's that one's worse than the other.

Unknown: 00:09:22

Mm hmm. Yeah, no, it's just that I can speak from experience when

Unknown: 00:09:26

it comes to that. And I'm glad to know that you only engaged in

Unknown: 00:09:31

one part of abuse and not both. Because the physical abuse goes

Unknown: 00:09:38

because far too And yeah, so I will talk about myself a little

Unknown: 00:09:43

bit now and what behavior I brought to light or however you

Unknown: 00:09:49

want to call it. First thing that comes to mind is feeling

Unknown: 00:09:55

deeply insecure and being very, very controlled. Have the other

Unknown: 00:10:02

person like never trusting, always questioning, nagging,

Unknown: 00:10:09

wanting to be one step ahead of them, which is if it's a good

Unknown: 00:10:13

guy who has good intentions, like kind of already said, like,

Unknown: 00:10:18

I don't want to get in trouble with that girl, I love her. But

Unknown: 00:10:21

this side is kind of really scary. And then the silent

Unknown: 00:10:28

treatment, yeah, when something was not going my way to just not

Unknown: 00:10:33

answer the phone to ghost people and to be completely gone, and

Unknown: 00:10:39

then not knowing what they did wrong, because I never would

Unknown: 00:10:44

communicate it. I was just behaving strangely, and

Unknown: 00:10:50

punishing the other person, emotionally. And then also, the

Unknown: 00:10:57

hot and cold games. So whenever I felt like the person wants to

Unknown: 00:11:02

be very close and intimate, I would show the cold shoulder and

Unknown: 00:11:08

wait for them to cool off again, and then make them dependent on

Unknown: 00:11:12

me again. And whenever they come back, show the cold shoulder

Unknown: 00:11:16

again. And now looking back, I noticed that it's all very

Unknown: 00:11:21

subtle, and people can't really put a finger on it, yet. They

Unknown: 00:11:26

feel what's going on, but they can't really call me out on it.

Unknown: 00:11:31

I don't know if that makes sense. Like, you drive the other

Unknown: 00:11:35

person crazy. And you blame them for stuff that they're doing

Unknown: 00:11:39

yet. You are the one who should be called out on something. So

Unknown: 00:11:47

see I have even difficulties to put it into words, but I know

Unknown: 00:11:51

that something I was like

Unknown: 00:11:54

yeah, that sounds a little like gaslighting. Yeah, in a way.

Unknown: 00:11:59

Yes. You know, and yeah, I remember doing stuff like that

Unknown: 00:12:04

where I would just I would start arguments for no reason.

Unknown: 00:12:07

Oh, just fun of it. Just to this person.

Unknown: 00:12:13

Yeah. I would hate it when it got done to me. And

Unknown: 00:12:17

yes, yeah. And then to have that kind of friction would also

Unknown: 00:12:22

mean, all that person is 100% focused on me now. And not

Unknown: 00:12:27

looking at other women. Because we're having that fight now and

Unknown: 00:12:31

it's very intense energy. So having a fight to distract from

Unknown: 00:12:39

everything outside just to have the attention of the other

Unknown: 00:12:42

person. Huh?

Unknown: 00:12:47

Yeah, that's, that's pretty calculating. Oh, yeah.

Unknown: 00:12:51

It's, it's horrible. It's like, makes me feel very bad looking

Unknown: 00:12:55

back. But I think that's, that's what we do at times when we feel

Unknown: 00:13:01

powerless or insecure. And just, yes, so scared to lose the other

Unknown: 00:13:07

person because they might be seeing what is inside of us. And

Unknown: 00:13:11

it's not beautiful, what we have inside of us, what we think we

Unknown: 00:13:15

see right?

Unknown: 00:13:19

So what do you like for you? What do you think that that?

Unknown: 00:13:21

Like? What did you tie that to that? You know, what were you

Unknown: 00:13:25

afraid of? What were you? Like, what, what are your insecurities

Unknown: 00:13:30

about? like? What does that what does that look like?

Unknown: 00:13:35

Um, I think I was deeply ashamed of my behavior every time I

Unknown: 00:13:42

engaged in it. And I was very insecure about other women who

Unknown: 00:13:49

always in my mind seem to have it all together and have the

Unknown: 00:13:53

perfect life and being perfectly functioning individuals. And I

Unknown: 00:14:01

was always more of a dreamer, or didn't want to get caught in a

Unknown: 00:14:05

job too long and kind of a free spirit. But to too insecure

Unknown: 00:14:15

about it not not okay about it. So every time I had a partner,

Unknown: 00:14:19

and there was a female around who would be structured and well

Unknown: 00:14:25

behaved and everything, I would think, oh, what I'm not even

Unknown: 00:14:29

worth of the sky, and then create all that drama to see

Unknown: 00:14:34

what about maybe he loves me? And then he's gonna stick around

Unknown: 00:14:39

and if not, well, I'm going to go over to the next person and

Unknown: 00:14:43

so deep rooted and security about who I am who I was in

Unknown: 00:14:50

society, I think

Unknown: 00:14:53

the I mean, is it when you say like a free spirit. When I think

Unknown: 00:14:57

of that I think of like, you know, someone who's not

Unknown: 00:15:00

responsible isn't like, like goal driven, like, has a

Unknown: 00:15:07

retirement like mapped out, you know, I think of my x when I

Unknown: 00:15:13

think of this, you know, she had the house, the the job, the car,

Unknown: 00:15:18

you know, all of the things, you know, they 150 credit score, you

Unknown: 00:15:22

know, all of these things that are earmarks in our society of

Unknown: 00:15:26

what, you know, a successful person looks like, like on

Unknown: 00:15:30

paper, right. And I, I feel I can totally understand where

Unknown: 00:15:36

you're coming from, because I mean, I always felt, I always

Unknown: 00:15:39

felt like I was, you know, because I went to prison. And

Unknown: 00:15:43

I'm not as far along as the people that, you know, I went to

Unknown: 00:15:46

high school with, you know, they've, they're all on that

Unknown: 00:15:49

track. Yeah. And like, here, here, I am, like, still, you

Unknown: 00:15:53

know, treading water trying to figure out how to how to get

Unknown: 00:15:56

into the boat. Right? Yeah. And that insecurity tends to have

Unknown: 00:16:02

like, a self fulfilling prophecy that's attached to it. Because

Unknown: 00:16:06

when you run around, you know, feeling that way about yourself,

Unknown: 00:16:10

and then trying to control everything around us and like,

Unknown: 00:16:14

who our partner, you know, talks to and, and, you know, let's not

Unknown: 00:16:18

go over here to, you know, that person may, if you talk to that

Unknown: 00:16:23

guy, he's got it all together, maybe you'll start thinking

Unknown: 00:16:25

that, you know, I'm, I'm not worth it, you know, like, now I

Unknown: 00:16:29

need to be looking, I need to be looking up here. And versus, you

Unknown: 00:16:33

know, slimming it down here with this dude.

Unknown: 00:16:35

Yeah, exactly. And then what also didn't help us that I grew

Unknown: 00:16:40

up in a family where really threw in German, German, you see

Unknown: 00:16:45

through the bank. So through the entire family. The guys were

Unknown: 00:16:51

always the dominant, aggressive, go getters. And the women were

Unknown: 00:16:58

always raising the children, cooking and getting everything

Unknown: 00:17:04

ready for the man to come home. So early on, I observed there

Unknown: 00:17:09

kind of, yeah, those power games, and it made me so. so

Unknown: 00:17:15

incredibly angry. So I think growing up being impurity, and

Unknown: 00:17:20

then in my 20s, I had it in the back of my mind that I will

Unknown: 00:17:24

never be dominated by a guy, like my mom and grandmother was,

Unknown: 00:17:29

like, no one is ever gonna fuckin Tell me what I'm going to

Unknown: 00:17:32

do. Because I'm the boss. So and then having those two things

Unknown: 00:17:39

united inside of my chest, made it very confusing for people to

Unknown: 00:17:45

get to know me, because on one side, I am that girl who cooks

Unknown: 00:17:49

for you, and who waits for you at home. But the next day, I

Unknown: 00:17:54

might be the other chick who's like, well, I'm gonna go fucking

Unknown: 00:17:56

drink with my girls, and I'm not gonna answer my phone, and

Unknown: 00:18:00

you're going to see what you're going to do with your life.

Unknown: 00:18:02

Right? And so total mindfuck

Unknown: 00:18:07

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's, I can, I can see, I can see that the

Unknown: 00:18:13

picture that you were painting there?

Unknown: 00:18:14

Yeah. A messy one.

Unknown: 00:18:17

I mean, a lot of it ties back to how we were raised in, you know,

Unknown: 00:18:23

what our life was like. And our upbringing was like, in, you

Unknown: 00:18:26

know, what our influences were, that, you know, that particular

Unknown: 00:18:31

time in my, in your, in our lives, right, you know, for

Unknown: 00:18:33

myself, I can, I can say, that my father, and I didn't, I

Unknown: 00:18:38

didn't witness any of this. You know, I was told a lot of the

Unknown: 00:18:43

stories that, you know, from him, and my mom's marriage and

Unknown: 00:18:47

the abuse that took place there. And a lot of it was verbal, and

Unknown: 00:18:51

you know, exactly the same thing that I played out, but, but you

Unknown: 00:18:55

know, not having not seen that, like, how did I? How did I end

Unknown: 00:18:59

up repeating it? Which is crazy, right? And so, I must have seen

Unknown: 00:19:05

something or unless it's just, you know, the transfers through

Unknown: 00:19:09

the DNA, you know, genetically, yeah. You know, I don't know.

Unknown: 00:19:15

And so, I know, I was really angry when I was growing up,

Unknown: 00:19:19

because my parents got a divorce. And then they used me,

Unknown: 00:19:23

they abused me as like a pawn to get back at each other, right?

Unknown: 00:19:28

And I would go to my mom, my dad's on the weekends, and, you

Unknown: 00:19:31

know, my grandparents would be, you know, calling my mom, a

Unknown: 00:19:34

bitch. And she's all these things and all these bad things.

Unknown: 00:19:37

And like, that's all they would do the whole time. And then when

Unknown: 00:19:40

I would come home, I would say the same thing to my mom, I'd be

Unknown: 00:19:44

I would be furious that I was being dropped off. And then as

Unknown: 00:19:48

soon as the door was shut, and my dad was gone, and I you know,

Unknown: 00:19:51

cry furiously, and and I hate you, I hate you. You're such a

Unknown: 00:19:55

bitch and done it. You know, and I would bring all that back on

Unknown: 00:19:59

her. Right. Yeah. So for for a kid that was, you know, a lot to

Unknown: 00:20:04

deal with. And then so I would just act out, you know, in

Unknown: 00:20:08

school and you know, in social situations, and I was a bully

Unknown: 00:20:13

and in grade school too. You know, all that stuff was

Unknown: 00:20:17

starting really young. Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:20:20

Well, cuz How old were you when your parents divorced?

Unknown: 00:20:25

Five?

Unknown: 00:20:27

Shit. Yeah. And of course, like your baby brain, like downloads

Unknown: 00:20:34

everything without questioning how you see stuff. And you think

Unknown: 00:20:40

well, that's reality. That's how things are supposed to be. And

Unknown: 00:20:45

the stuff that is ugly and not so nice. I feel the younger the

Unknown: 00:20:49

children are, the more they live in denial of it, because you

Unknown: 00:20:54

can't your your parents are your heroes, they are giving you

Unknown: 00:20:59

shelter, food and the love they can give. So in our mind and our

Unknown: 00:21:05

children, brains mind, they're not. It's not possible for them

Unknown: 00:21:10

to be evil. So I think that's what what I did. What happened

Unknown: 00:21:17

in my brain is that it was okay to treat people like that,

Unknown: 00:21:21

because this is what I download it. This is what is okay,

Unknown: 00:21:25

because my daddy is awesome. Right? I'm never going to

Unknown: 00:21:30

question him. Because if I was to question him, they could cut

Unknown: 00:21:36

me out of the family. And yeah, let me die. So it's it's very,

Unknown: 00:21:44

very, yeah, intense what a child's brain goes through when

Unknown: 00:21:52

when it comes to divorce. Like, I think it's still so

Unknown: 00:21:55

underestimated. Especially when it was, yeah.

Unknown: 00:22:02

Yeah, know, what to say is what was the point at which you

Unknown: 00:22:06

decided, you know, like, what was the straw that broke the

Unknown: 00:22:09

camel's back that said, you know, what, I've got to change.

Unknown: 00:22:12

What, what brought you to that point?

Unknown: 00:22:15

That's a beautiful question. I'd like that. Um, so after a huge

Unknown: 00:22:22

heartbreak, 2014, I decided to immigrate to Canada, and to live

Unknown: 00:22:29

on my grandma's farm here in the forest. And all of a sudden, I

Unknown: 00:22:35

found myself in that forest with my thoughts and with my

Unknown: 00:22:40

memories, because wherever you go, you bring yourself with,

Unknown: 00:22:44

right, you bring all the bullshit that you wanted to

Unknown: 00:22:48

escape with to that beautiful island or forest in my case. And

Unknown: 00:22:54

I just went back to the fights that I had with my partner. And

Unknown: 00:23:01

all of a sudden, like, wasn't birth perspective and saw all

Unknown: 00:23:07

the stuff that I was doing that would make him mad, and that

Unknown: 00:23:11

would make him act out and be aggressive. Also, my mom came to

Unknown: 00:23:18

join here. And living close with my mom again, I suddenly saw

Unknown: 00:23:27

stuff. That would totally make sense why my dad would act out,

Unknown: 00:23:34

back then, and my childhood. And I was like, Yeah, my daddy was

Unknown: 00:23:39

aggressive. And there's, you know, stuff. But that behavior

Unknown: 00:23:46

would totally drive me nuts, too. And I would also be

Unknown: 00:23:50

aggressive and, and all of a sudden react like my dad. And it

Unknown: 00:23:54

was like, Oh, my God, I'm becoming like, my dad, I don't

Unknown: 00:23:56

want to be that person. And so I became aware of how women can

Unknown: 00:24:02

drive man nuts. without it being overtly, you know, covertly. And

Unknown: 00:24:13

I was able to, with all the time and space I had here, to look

Unknown: 00:24:18

back to a shed did I copy and paste stuff from my mom and did

Unknown: 00:24:22

this with my partners? And do I want to be doing that in the

Unknown: 00:24:26

future? Hell no. And then, to sit with the ad is so ugly. I

Unknown: 00:24:33

bet you know that feeling. But you're like, Oh, shit, I want to

Unknown: 00:24:37

call that person and apologize. No, I can't because I don't

Unknown: 00:24:42

exist for them anymore. Or, I want to turn back in time, and I

Unknown: 00:24:48

don't know that was a couple years back now. And now I'm

Unknown: 00:24:54

aware of that behavior and still not the perfect, awesome person,

Unknown: 00:24:58

but at least I'm aware of But now and know where it's kind of

Unknown: 00:25:02

coming from, and then I can sit in stillness and not hate myself

Unknown: 00:25:09

as much anymore.

Unknown: 00:25:12

Are you? Are you aware of your triggers? Have you sort of, you

Unknown: 00:25:16

know, pinpointed what those are? And if you have, what do you do

Unknown: 00:25:22

now? Because I don't know, have you dated since then, since

Unknown: 00:25:26

you've been there? where you're at? You know, is anything? You

Unknown: 00:25:29

know that or is it just been? You sort of been on like this

Unknown: 00:25:34

self learning? mission, since you got to your location now.

Unknown: 00:25:41

And then just trying to figure out, you know, you and why you

Unknown: 00:25:45

did the things that you did? And, you know, what are your

Unknown: 00:25:48

triggers? And how do you? How do you navigate them once you once

Unknown: 00:25:53

they come up?

Unknown: 00:25:54

Mm hmm. So I've been dating ever since. And what I noticed is

Unknown: 00:26:03

that, I do that with a thing where I name my triggers. So for

Unknown: 00:26:09

instance, I get very hangry when I don't eat enough during the

Unknown: 00:26:12

day. So I call that a certain name. And every time I feel

Unknown: 00:26:18

those emotions coming up, and being impatient with people, and

Unknown: 00:26:22

everything that gets between me and my food is like, I noticed

Unknown: 00:26:27

when I get to that point now, and I'm able to kind of breeze

Unknown: 00:26:34

myself out of it, or laugh about it or talk about it to the

Unknown: 00:26:39

people around me. And then when it comes to other triggers. So

Unknown: 00:26:46

time for me is a huge thing. I'm an absolute. When it comes to

Unknown: 00:26:53

being late, like with us right now, I couldn't figure out the

Unknown: 00:26:57

internet thing. And I knew I was going to be late and everything

Unknown: 00:27:02

kind of shifts, and I panic. So when a person is supposed to

Unknown: 00:27:09

meet me at a certain time, and they're late. Holy shit. So

Unknown: 00:27:15

good to know.

Unknown: 00:27:16

It's, it's so it's so bad. And it is not, it is not when I sit

Unknown: 00:27:22

at home and waiting for Shawn to come online it is when I'm

Unknown: 00:27:25

sitting in a restaurant, or at a meeting point where there is

Unknown: 00:27:31

that fear of abandonment, abandonment. So I'm coming up

Unknown: 00:27:36

and being like, Whoa, that person is not going to show up.

Unknown: 00:27:40

Whoa, I'm being left, I'm being replaced by another person. So

Unknown: 00:27:45

all that comes up. And now when it happens, I just noticed that

Unknown: 00:27:53

huge anger coming up and try to see the best in the other person

Unknown: 00:27:57

and try to think, oh, maybe they broke down. Or maybe they have a

Unknown: 00:28:01

problem. Maybe I should go ask if they you know, but not right

Unknown: 00:28:06

away, not after five minutes after half an hour because I

Unknown: 00:28:09

would call after two minutes and be like, passively aggressive,

Unknown: 00:28:14

like, Oh, can I help you out? Like you're not there. So, let

Unknown: 00:28:21

it sit and know that instant reaction is not going to help me

Unknown: 00:28:25

sit with it for a moment and trust that the other person is

Unknown: 00:28:30

is going to be there and not gonna let you down. So it's kind

Unknown: 00:28:34

of a self talk and learning to be patient thing for me.

Unknown: 00:28:40

Yeah, the anxiety, anxiety, you know, triggers thoughts, which

Unknown: 00:28:46

you know, thoughts? is absent, we've fill in the blank with

Unknown: 00:28:52

whatever narrative comes to mind. Right?

Unknown: 00:28:54

Oh, and it's always in those case.

Unknown: 00:28:57

Yeah. Right. And so getting out of that habit is really

Unknown: 00:29:01

important. Because unless you ask somebody you know what you

Unknown: 00:29:07

could I mean, I've done this too. I've done this at work not

Unknown: 00:29:11

even in a relationship situation, right? Something that

Unknown: 00:29:15

I screwed up at work and you know, I didn't say anything

Unknown: 00:29:20

about it. And you know, I worked this whole scenario up into my

Unknown: 00:29:25

head of worst case and like all of the things that could have

Unknown: 00:29:29

happened and you know, what, what was it in you know, by the

Unknown: 00:29:33

time that you know, I finished in almost probably got myself

Unknown: 00:29:40

fired for no reason. I was like, Oh my God, my mind just ran with

Unknown: 00:29:47

this and it went from point A to point B and like, it was just me

Unknown: 00:29:53

and my thoughts. You know, there was nobody else even involved in

Unknown: 00:29:56

the in this. And like, I I whipped up this entire scenario

Unknown: 00:30:04

that was unnecessary.

Unknown: 00:30:05

Yeah. Yeah. And so I learned to see that as a little misbehave

Unknown: 00:30:11

child, my brain, and to just turn the volume down and sit it

Unknown: 00:30:18

in a corner and look at it, and know that this is all made up.

Unknown: 00:30:23

This is all made up, and it's gonna bring me nowhere. So you

Unknown: 00:30:27

better chill the fuck out now have a glass of water? And yeah,

Unknown: 00:30:32

so it's hard. It's like, having to go to the gym and train a

Unknown: 00:30:37

muscle that you have never worked before? To do that kind

Unknown: 00:30:41

of stuff. I guess it's but it's worth it. It's

Unknown: 00:30:48

Yeah, well, I mean, a lot of the a lot of the work that we're

Unknown: 00:30:51

talking about is is what they would consider Shadow Work.

Unknown: 00:30:56

Yeah. Which is your subconscious, you know, habits

Unknown: 00:31:00

or behaviors that take place behind the scenes when, you

Unknown: 00:31:05

know, you don't even realize it. And so a lot of the behaviors

Unknown: 00:31:09

that, you know, are associated with with and this is just my

Unknown: 00:31:13

opinion, you know, I'm not, I'm not a professional. I'm not a

Unknown: 00:31:17

licensed mental health counselor, I've just from

Unknown: 00:31:20

dealing with my own self. Yeah. And realizing some of the the

Unknown: 00:31:25

messed up crap that I have done in the past and, you know,

Unknown: 00:31:29

sometimes do today, not as often, that's for sure. And it's

Unknown: 00:31:33

definitely never as bad as it was, you know, cuz I'm really

Unknown: 00:31:38

good at it. nipping it, like catching it before it even you

Unknown: 00:31:42

know, before I push send, right? Yeah, I'm still I'm still into

Unknown: 00:31:47

the writing the text when I catch it now before it's like,

Unknown: 00:31:50

you know, I push send, and it's, I can't get it back. But I mean,

Unknown: 00:31:58

they're the behaviors that go on in there learned over years, you

Unknown: 00:32:02

know, years from the time were kids to, you know, whatever

Unknown: 00:32:06

relationship that you went into, and like the first one that I

Unknown: 00:32:09

destroyed, you know, I didn't learn anything from it. I

Unknown: 00:32:13

learned what I didn't, what I didn't like about it. And

Unknown: 00:32:16

usually it was me blaming the other person, you know, it was

Unknown: 00:32:20

all their fault. You know, if only they were this way, this

Unknown: 00:32:24

wouldn't have happened and whatever, right. But that

Unknown: 00:32:28

behavior, it just hitchhikes into the next relationship,

Unknown: 00:32:32

because you haven't dealt with it. And that underlying stuff

Unknown: 00:32:36

that you know, that shadow behavior is still there, and

Unknown: 00:32:39

it's still present. It's still strong as hell, and waiting to

Unknown: 00:32:43

in waiting to unleash on the next person that it comes

Unknown: 00:32:46

across. Right? Yeah,

Unknown: 00:32:48

exactly.

Unknown: 00:32:51

Ah,

Unknown: 00:32:53

it's embarrassing. You know, it's embarrassing. When you have

Unknown: 00:32:59

to come to face with yourself. Oh, yeah. And how you act?

Unknown: 00:33:06

Yeah. And I don't know if you experienced that, too. Maybe

Unknown: 00:33:12

before your new partner knows that side about you. They're

Unknown: 00:33:17

like, holy shit, like, you seem so confident and calm and? And

Unknown: 00:33:24

how does like where does that come from? You know, like them

Unknown: 00:33:28

not not being able to make sense of it. Because we have a very

Unknown: 00:33:32

confident side, we have a very calming, soothing vibe. So

Unknown: 00:33:38

that's what people expect to get. And then they unwrap the

Unknown: 00:33:43

package and see

Unknown: 00:33:45

Holy shit.

Unknown: 00:33:48

There's some

Unknown: 00:33:52

Yeah, I have an explanation for that. So, you know, when doors

Unknown: 00:33:59

have always open for me, right? And I think a lot of that has to

Unknown: 00:34:03

do with you know, but looks you can say that you can say looks,

Unknown: 00:34:08

you can say charisma charm, you know, personality, whatever that

Unknown: 00:34:13

is, you know, I was always able to get into doors. Yeah. Dang

Unknown: 00:34:20

was the hard part or being or being asked to stay was the hard

Unknown: 00:34:24

part because usually, you can't if you're if you're not

Unknown: 00:34:27

authentically being you, right, Austin? It Right. It's

Unknown: 00:34:32

exhausting. And in pieces of the real you always end up coming

Unknown: 00:34:37

out. Right. And so you know, I about three months is my is

Unknown: 00:34:44

about the max that I can fake it. Right? And then little

Unknown: 00:34:49

pieces of of the real me if that's, you know, what I was

Unknown: 00:34:52

trying to do? What would start you know, showing you know, and

Unknown: 00:34:56

behaviors or look like No man certain thing is, or, you know,

Unknown: 00:35:03

my anger would pop up, or I would be passive aggressive

Unknown: 00:35:06

about something, or, you know, something would show up and you

Unknown: 00:35:11

would, you would be able to see. And a lot of the times when that

Unknown: 00:35:14

what happened, like you talk about instead of dealing with

Unknown: 00:35:18

the monster, it's easier to just ghost the situation. Right and

Unknown: 00:35:25

just I'm out, I don't want to deal with you. And, or it keeps

Unknown: 00:35:30

you from actually getting closer to somebody because of that

Unknown: 00:35:35

potential. Right? You don't want to, you don't want anybody to be

Unknown: 00:35:42

able to point that out about you know, that that's who you are.

Unknown: 00:35:48

And, and so there's been times when I've, I've even gotten to a

Unknown: 00:35:52

relationship once and you know, we ended up you know, I don't

Unknown: 00:35:55

drink a whole lot. But we I drank a little bit too much at

Unknown: 00:36:00

night, and I do, that's when the the monster starts coming out,

Unknown: 00:36:04

too. And my anger starts getting released. And, you know, I

Unknown: 00:36:09

started getting like I said, that guy started coming out. And

Unknown: 00:36:15

I don't remember a whole lot about the evening, but I, you

Unknown: 00:36:17

know, was reminded about it in the morning. And she said, Yeah,

Unknown: 00:36:20

I locked myself in the bathroom, because I was afraid to you

Unknown: 00:36:23

know, I was like, I don't even I don't remember that. And, and so

Unknown: 00:36:31

I was like, instead of trying to even deal with it, how I dealt

Unknown: 00:36:34

with it was, well, if you're bringing that out in me, then I

Unknown: 00:36:38

don't want to have you around me. Because I don't want to be

Unknown: 00:36:41

responsible for what happens. Or any of it. Right?

Unknown: 00:36:45

Yeah, like, I

Unknown: 00:36:46

don't want I don't like that dude. And I don't want him out.

Unknown: 00:36:48

And I don't want him around. And if you if if had been around,

Unknown: 00:36:52

you brought that out, then I need to get rid of you. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:36:59

she was actually a really cool person. I mean, she drank a

Unknown: 00:37:01

little bit too much. But I mean, other than that, I mean, she

Unknown: 00:37:05

was, you know, a really good person nice to me, you know,

Unknown: 00:37:08

was, you know, but I mean, that's, that's what this

Unknown: 00:37:14

creates, when you don't deal when you don't deal with it.

Unknown: 00:37:19

And, you know, so I mean, the last two years, that's all I've

Unknown: 00:37:22

been doing is really talking to people on my podcast

Unknown: 00:37:26

professionals, you know, people life coaches, if I'm struggling

Unknown: 00:37:30

with somebody, something, I'll bring them on the show. And I'll

Unknown: 00:37:34

start asking them questions. And you know, trying to get answers

Unknown: 00:37:37

that way. And yet, part of it's because I'm cheap. I don't want

Unknown: 00:37:40

to pay I don't want to pay for the service. Right? And so I've

Unknown: 00:37:44

used the the podcast as to like, hey, look, I'm helping promote,

Unknown: 00:37:48

you

Unknown: 00:37:49

know, we know what you're doing.

Unknown: 00:37:52

I'm helping promote you. But you know, you're helping me too,

Unknown: 00:37:55

because I'm struggling with something and I need some

Unknown: 00:37:57

answers.

Unknown: 00:37:58

That is so cool. I love I love how transparent you were there.

Unknown: 00:38:05

But it also brings the listeners on the journey as well, to my

Unknown: 00:38:09

you know, transition, my change my evolution, you know, you're

Unknown: 00:38:12

following not only a show and content and what I'm putting

Unknown: 00:38:17

out, but you're also following me. And in my journey to finding

Unknown: 00:38:23

myself.

Unknown: 00:38:24

Yeah, yeah, no, that's so beautiful. That's awesome. How

Unknown: 00:38:29

is it for you? Because right now, you mentioned that looking

Unknown: 00:38:34

back, you can see that kind of behavior. So instead of leaving

Unknown: 00:38:40

the other person next time, can you imagine, like telling them

Unknown: 00:38:45

what you're struggling with? And what makes you feel insecure? or

Unknown: 00:38:50

How can you or stating totally done for you and never ever

Unknown: 00:38:56

again?

Unknown: 00:38:58

No, no. I mean, I have a girlfriend. And you know, she

Unknown: 00:39:01

lives with me. She has she I've known her since I started this

Unknown: 00:39:08

whole podcasting journey. Yeah, so she's experienced some of the

Unknown: 00:39:13

asshole. She's experienced a lot of my dysfunctional behavior.

Unknown: 00:39:19

But she's also pretty stubborn, and is like, well, you're not

Unknown: 00:39:23

going to get rid of me that fast. Just because you don't

Unknown: 00:39:26

just because you're, you know, you don't want to deal with you.

Unknown: 00:39:30

You know, getting rid of me is not the answer. Once you start

Unknown: 00:39:35

once you start dealing with you and figuring out you, and I'm

Unknown: 00:39:40

here for you. And you know what it means for you to figure this

Unknown: 00:39:45

out, because I see more in you than you see in you. Yeah, and

Unknown: 00:39:50

that in that aspect. Yeah, you know, so. I mean, I'm, I don't

Unknown: 00:39:55

know I'm not. I've always thought about like, I probably

Unknown: 00:40:00

Be a be a great candidate for an open relationship. But I don't

Unknown: 00:40:04

know, I'm also in a place to where, like, I have the show, I

Unknown: 00:40:09

have my, my daughter, I have the, the nonprofit that I

Unknown: 00:40:13

started that I'm trying to do. So I mean, there's a lot of

Unknown: 00:40:16

things that are tied in with me, trying to elevate myself to

Unknown: 00:40:21

where I need to go. So I mean, I'm pretty selfish with my time

Unknown: 00:40:25

too. And, you know, and I'm trying to work on not being so

Unknown: 00:40:30

self centered in that matter where I'm like, I guess, I guess

Unknown: 00:40:34

the word would be self absorbed. You know, like, my journey, my

Unknown: 00:40:40

show my love My, my, my, my, this is what I'm doing. And, you

Unknown: 00:40:46

know, if you don't, don't get in the way of it.

Unknown: 00:40:50

But knowing a little bit about your history, not all of it, but

Unknown: 00:40:54

a little bit. I mean, you're out there functioning, helping other

Unknown: 00:40:59

people. And I'm sure you had times where you thought, Oh, my

Unknown: 00:41:05

God, I'm gonna be out of jail. I was a mess before I got today,

Unknown: 00:41:09

our day was not awesome time. So what am I gonna do with my life,

Unknown: 00:41:14

and now, you found something that doesn't even feel like

Unknown: 00:41:17

work. And you bring people so much peace and joy. Of course,

Unknown: 00:41:22

you got to cling to that with all your mind. Like, you're not

Unknown: 00:41:27

just being a workaholic and being selfish with your time.

Unknown: 00:41:31

You're out there helping people, right? So don't you hard on

Unknown: 00:41:36

yourself.

Unknown: 00:41:39

But one, one thing that I can say in as one of the big things

Unknown: 00:41:45

that, like I've caught myself doing, you know, when, like,

Unknown: 00:41:49

I'll get when I feel my my temperature starting to boil,

Unknown: 00:41:54

right. And let's say we're in a knot knot like that to be the

Unknown: 00:42:00

beginning stages of an argument because she, she won't argue

Unknown: 00:42:02

with me, she's like, now you're not gonna pull that with me.

Unknown: 00:42:05

She's like, I'm just gonna walk, I'm just gonna walk away, and

Unknown: 00:42:08

you can argue with yourself. And but I've noticed, like, I caught

Unknown: 00:42:16

myself a couple of times, closing the distance between us

Unknown: 00:42:20

in that, like, trying to intimidate way where I've had to

Unknown: 00:42:26

go, Oh, shit. And like, back the back from way back up. Yeah, you

Unknown: 00:42:31

know, just, but it's,

Unknown: 00:42:35

you know,

Unknown: 00:42:37

seven times, if you're trying to change something like a bad

Unknown: 00:42:40

behavior or habit or something like that. It's really difficult

Unknown: 00:42:44

to just turn it off. It's almost impossible. Yeah, especially if

Unknown: 00:42:48

it's enlightened and you as a person and how you are. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:42:53

and so like seven times is about the minimum that it takes for

Unknown: 00:42:57

you to fail. You know, to Okay, I don't want to do this. And

Unknown: 00:43:00

then you do it. I said, I don't want to do this anymore. And

Unknown: 00:43:03

then you do it. So about seven times is about the minimum that

Unknown: 00:43:06

you're going to try before it starts to become Oh, okay, now

Unknown: 00:43:10

I'm recognizing when I'm doing it. Yeah. And I'm, I'm choosing

Unknown: 00:43:14

a different option. Yeah, that makes sense.

Unknown: 00:43:17

Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:43:20

So I don't know, hopefully, that helps some people out there that

Unknown: 00:43:23

are listening. I know, we're rounding up on 230. And I gotta

Unknown: 00:43:27

make my way, my way out of here. My daughter is starting soccer

Unknown: 00:43:32

for the first time, and she's only three and a half years old.

Unknown: 00:43:34

So we're gonna be a bunch of littles out there. out there,

Unknown: 00:43:39

kicking the ball.

Unknown: 00:43:40

That is so cool. Soccer for girls is just awesome. Awesome.

Unknown: 00:43:46

Awesome. Awesome. Very good job. There.

Unknown: 00:43:51

Yeah, so I mean, I'm excited about going and hanging out and

Unknown: 00:43:54

watching her and doing a little recording and seeing all the

Unknown: 00:43:58

little kids trying to kick the ball.

Unknown: 00:44:00

Yeah. Oh, that's adorable. So yeah, should we wrap up here?

Unknown: 00:44:07

Yeah, I mean, unless, I mean, I think that was a pretty good

Unknown: 00:44:10

start. You know, we we gave you guys a lot to chew on a lot of

Unknown: 00:44:14

transparency. A lot of authenticity here. Yeah, no, I

Unknown: 00:44:19

don't usually hold back much when I talk about myself and the

Unknown: 00:44:23

behaviors that I've had, you know, and if anybody out there

Unknown: 00:44:26

resonates with either Aurora or myself and, you know, you want

Unknown: 00:44:32

to reach out and, you know, talk or you know, send an email in

Unknown: 00:44:37

and maybe we will read it on the next one about something that

Unknown: 00:44:40

you're you've dealt with and, and how you kind of, you know,

Unknown: 00:44:44

navigated your way around it if you have, and if you haven't,

Unknown: 00:44:48

that's okay, too. You know, we'll we'll talk about that as

Unknown: 00:44:51

well.

Unknown: 00:44:51

Yeah, no, that's beautiful. So don't hold back to reach out to

Unknown: 00:44:56

Sean and yeah, we will be back Maybe next week, maybe we do it

Unknown: 00:45:02

bi weekly, whatever we we agree as best for our schedules. And

Unknown: 00:45:09

yeah, absolutely. What if they want to email you? What's your

Unknown: 00:45:14

address?

Unknown: 00:45:15

Mm hmm. So for now, I just have my facebook account where you

Unknown: 00:45:20

can reach me best. It's public. So Aurora, Eggert, Eg de RT, and

Unknown: 00:45:28

mentioned in your first message that you watch that show, and

Unknown: 00:45:33

you want to make a comment or something. And my podcast is

Unknown: 00:45:37

called the Borealis experience. If you want to check it out,

Unknown: 00:45:40

there's a group also on Facebook that you're very welcome to

Unknown: 00:45:43

join. Thank you so much.

Unknown: 00:45:47

Yeah, and if you want to, if you want to do the email route, you

Unknown: 00:45:50

can email my show at nowhere to go but up now@gmail.com like my

Unknown: 00:45:55

show right behind behind me over here. know where to go but up.

Unknown: 00:46:00

That's the podcast. You can you know, if you want to reach me

Unknown: 00:46:05

there as well that link tree is probably the best way. And that

Unknown: 00:46:09

is right behind me there. Li nk tr dot e forward slash nowhere

Unknown: 00:46:15

to go but up. That's the easiest way to connect with the show and

Unknown: 00:46:18

everything and all the social media and everything where the

Unknown: 00:46:21

show is. So I hope to hear from some of you out there,

Unknown: 00:46:25

especially some of the guys out there because we need to not

Unknown: 00:46:30

normalize this but but make the conversation okay.

Unknown: 00:46:35

Yeah.

Unknown: 00:46:36

Mm hmm. And you ladies too, because we're not saying

Unknown: 00:46:43

Come on on board.

Unknown: 00:46:44

I did the first step. So yeah, if ever there's something you're

Unknown: 00:46:48

not proud of and want to get off of your chest, reach out to us.

Unknown: 00:46:53

Thank you so much,