How to keep emotional connection when far apart, how to repair a disagreement when distance or duty interrupts and how to build shared life when not living under the same roof. Al and Autumn Ray share their story and what they learned along the way. Al served 27 years in the U.S. Air Force which meant many seasons apart due to deployments. He completed his career as Professor of Aerospace Studies at the University of Portland. Military life strengthened his ability to process information efficiently and move quickly toward a solution. At home, however, efficiency could bring a conversation to its logistical conclusion before Autumn felt emotionally understood. Al and Autumn believe that couples learn to be together and they have developed a book series for couples that you can find under rickandjane.com

Key Takeaways from the Conversation

1. Building a Shared Playbook

Al and Autumn believe every marriage begins with two people carrying their own “playbooks”—the expectations and habits learned from their families. Lasting connection comes from learning to create new agreements unique to your team. “Nobody knows how to do it—you have to be willing to learn and have an open mind,” says Autumn 07:06.

2. Communication is a Learned Skill

It’s not just about talking more—it's about talking better. The Rays emphasize practicing specific communication skills, like active listening and setting aside regular times to connect, even if you’re on opposite sides of the world. Coaching and practical tools can help couples break negative cycles and actually enjoy “do-overs” when communication stumbles 13:00.

3. Intimacy Goes Beyond the Physical

Their book, Rick and Jane Learn to Cultivate Intimacy, covers eight kinds of intimacy—including emotional and physical—but not just sex. Something as simple as planning a home project together can build closeness across distance 22:49. Understanding your partner’s needs—and your own—is foundational.

4. Handling the Big Transitions

Going from deployments to working side-by-side took as much adjustment as learning to survive apart! The Rays now see those transitions as "a third marriage to the same person," each requiring new skills and accommodations 46:02.

5. Hope and Practical Help

Al and Autumn assure listeners that lasting, happy marriages through separation are possible. Don’t let distance define your story: “There’s always a solution to whatever problem you have. Reach out—don’t go through life alone or in despair,” urges Autumn 51:16.

Check out their book series at rickandjane.com for practical, faith-based (but universally useful!) resources on teamwork, communication, resolving conflict, and more.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

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Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.