From feeling hopeless, ashamed, being rejected and abused to finding healing in SEEing the beauty of God's character and living daily in the rhythm of His love.

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Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Bob 0:06

Hello and welcome to love shape life podcast. With me today is our yo wins. Addy, we want to welcome you to our podcast. Abby is gracious enough to share her story with us. We all have a story to tell along life's journey about how God has impacted our life. And oftentimes, we don't even realize that God is working in our life to perhaps a later time where we look back. So today Abby is going to share her story. And we hope that those who are listening to this podcast will find hope and encouragement in a God that truly is love. Abby, share with us a little bit about your background, how you were raised what that environment was like for you. Well, I was raised in a Christian environment, my dad was a pastor, we lived in a community that everyone share the same beliefs. But unfortunately, my home was a dysfunctional one. My parents have a lot of issues that were rumors of infidelity. And my dad being a minister, it kept very private, and tried very hard to work on the marriage and save the marriage. But us the kids, we felt the dysfunction, you know, we were affected by that. And no, I love my parents alive. And I don't want to put them down in any way. I'm trying to tell the story by what by what happened. My mom was also a product of what was done to her. She was married very young, and married someone much older and had four kids. She was married at 16. So she was kind of a child, you know, raising children. So just to back up a little bit. So we're talking about infidelity, right, your dad was a pastor, and your dad was trying to protect the family and protect the church environment. So on so the infidelity part was on your mom's part, correct on your dad's part. So also, then in regard to what was happening with you, in your journey, right? You were seeing all of this happening, and it was affecting you. You

Abbie 2:27

know, as a young kid, I knew something was wrong at home, but you don't know any different. But I was lucky enough that I like I said, we lived in a community that was all Christians. I went to a Christian school, there was a church, there was a hospital. So I was around, you know, Christian people. So I saw really good decent people. But in my home, I saw something different. And so that started confusing me of, you know, who God is? You know? Yeah,

Bob 3:03

it's a very difficult thing when we're communicating one thing, and then at home or seeing something different, you know, because, you know, actions speak louder than words, so to speak. So, and as a child, you're just looking at your parents, and because that's they become they're taking the place of God in a in a human world, right? Like, you're looking up to them. They're not you're not looking at them as God, but they are taking the place of God because they're speaking in his name. Yeah. So and

Abbie 3:32

my dad had the burden because he tried to be a man of God, and he would get up and preach and then have to deal with this. So I know that he was trying to maintain his home and, you know, his family, his wife, and and that perception that people have if you're having issues at home doesn't look right. So he kept it very private. So we weren't allowed to share that. It's

Bob 3:58

a very difficult position for him to be in. Yeah, he's trying to help people and rescue them. And he's trying to rescue his own family as well. Right.

Abbie 4:05

Right. You know, when you're having problems like this in the home, you kind of get lost because your parents are fighting constantly, and they take it for granted that you're okay, but you're not you're witnessing a lot of things. So it was not a happy home.

Bob 4:25

Yeah. And so you shared with me before that you were 14 years old when you moved from Puerto Rico. And then you move to Orlando, Florida.

Abbie 4:34

We moved to Orlando and this was a decision that was made overnight. My dad just decided to pack up the house and we had no warning and we had to pack our bags and leave everything behind. So it was quite shocking to us is being in another United States and learning the language and I feel like the minute we moved to Europe Family completely fell apart my older brothers left to the army. And it was just me and my younger brother for the problems continued and they got worse. So that by the age of 16, I did try to commit suicide, and ran away from home did everything, you know, to avoid living there. And so

Bob 5:24

Abby, obviously, you know, you mentioned you moved from Puerto Rico to United States, and then your life, the family life really began to fall apart. And then at 16 years old, which was just two years after you had moved here, you were, you know, trying to commit suicide. I mean, where were you at, at that point, emotionally, and mentally, and

Abbie 5:48

I hated my life at that point, because I left my family in Puerto Rico, the support system that I had my my family was gone. And my parents didn't have the time for us. They were just, you know, miserable with each other. And still going to church and still, you know, trying to do the religious stuff. And so I felt confused and miserable. And I just didn't want to be here. Yeah.

Bob 6:16

So where did you go from there? I mean, what was life like for you, you went to an academy, you told me and that was a positive influence in your life. Truly, I

Abbie 6:25

went to an academy where I was actually dorm student and I had a great positive experience there. I was able to go home with other students and see what their families were like. And I got to see what real Christian families were. So it was really it was eye opening for me to see how different it was than my family. But it was a positive experience. Yeah,

Bob 6:55

that's good. That's good. So, you know, what was church life like for you? I mean, your dad was a pastor, and he was leading. And so what was it like for you sitting in the pew and going to church every week, but yet knowing at home things weren't right. And

Abbie 7:10

I enjoyed church. I think after why you kind of get used to it, that this is what you're seeing at home. And, and even though you're seeing two sides. I it didn't hit me then till later that I would say my view of God was more of a dominant God, I did not see a God of love. That wasn't. I didn't hear that that much. It was more mostly the rules. And so that's what I knew of God. Yeah, you have to do all these things for him to love you. Yeah.

Bob 7:50

Let's share with me a little bit more about that. You said your perception of God was you had to do all these things in order for him to love you. Can you Can you expound on that a little bit?

Abbie 7:59

I think you have to you have all these rules that you have to keep in order to become more holy. And the holier that you get, the better the closer you are to God. That was my view as a child. Yeah.

Bob 8:14

So you're on your journey. You're at church in the United States. You shared with me a major change that happened in your life when you turned 18 years old. What was that all about?

Abbie 8:25

When I was 18 years old. I was seeing a guy we were friends. We kind of liked each other, but I didn't consider him a boyfriend.

Bob 8:33

And just to be clear, this is not somebody outside the church is somebody inside each of we

Abbie 8:39

actually went to Academy together. Yeah, so he was someone that I knew, that was born and raised in church the same way that I was. And we were kind of seeing each other. And one night, he just took advantage of me. I really tried to fight it. And it just happened. He did take advantage of me. I didn't realize that at the time, that it's considered date, date rape. I did not know I thought it's kind of somebody I like and maybe I did something and it didn't sink in that what really happened two years later. I was I didn't tell anyone I was really scared to tell anyone but the results of that was I got pregnant. So eventually, I had to tell my parents and when I did, they, of course didn't take it well. And the first thing they said they need to take this up to the church.

Bob 9:49

So let me stop you there for a moment. So you, you get what Daybreak date ranked, right. So you get date raped and you you end up being pregnant. Right. And you had shared to me earlier that from your journey from where your Christian values, you were actually saving yourself for marriage. So this was a huge thing for you emotionally and mentally.

I just felt like this is something sacred that you want to wait till you're married. And that's what I was trying to do. So when that took place, I felt defile, I felt dirty, I felt the shame. But eventually, I had to tell my parents what happened, or now not about the rape. They never I never had the nerve to tell them that. Um, but yeah, so

leading up to telling your parents, you finally get the courage to tell your parents because you felt you had to do that. And then you mentioned, the first thing that can't seem to come out of your parents mouth was, we need to bring it into the church board.

They were so upset. But the wood I remember it was more what the church would say. And they did have take it immediately to the church. And I was disfellowshipped is that the right word? Yeah, that's the right word. And they never spoke to me, never counseled me never prayed with me. No one from the church spoke to me. And so I was really hurt by that, because I did enjoy going to church. And that just made the way that I was feeling even worse. So, so

let's just back up a moment here. So they go to the church board, they bring it to the church board, and nobody's coming to see you. Nobody's coming to express anything to you, and you get disfellowshipped. And just to clarify, for the listening audience, disfellowshipped is when you're not, your men are no longer a member of that church. They they will say they still welcome you. But the attitude and what is conveyed oftentimes says something different.

Yeah, I mean, I was 18 years old, and I want in my church family. And they made me feel I didn't belong there. You know, the sinner and my belly was growing, and how dare you? We don't, they don't want to see that. So it just made all the feelings that I was feeling from what happened 10 times worse.

What were you hoping? Maybe when you told your parents, what were you hoping would happen? I

wish my parents would have come to me and said that everything was going to be okay. And we'll handle it and pray with me. And, you know, try to find out what happened. And instead of just assuming that I did something, you know, worse, they didn't know what happened. What took place? I wasn't a bad girl. Yeah, you know, and so I just wish I would have handled it different and spoke to me and, and that's never happened.

Yeah, what's what's really interesting about the story, it is because beneath you was this date rape experience, that nobody took the time to care or listen to you to see if something did happen like that. And just kind of moved it along, in a process of disfellowshipping you from from a church, family and, and very difficult thing to go through. You

know, I think it goes back to when I did try to commit suicide, I remember that, that was never spoken about. Again. They went, I went to the hospital, they pumped my stomach, they did suggest some psyche, to put me in a psych ward and my, my dad worked at the hospital at that time. And he was able to get me out of that. So I never went and got any counseling. So that was never spoken about. So I really felt like they're not going to want to get to the bottom of this. So why speak about it? You know, and I was very ashamed of it. So I didn't want to share that.

So that you mentioned the word shame. You felt the shame, you felt guilty, you felt really rejected. Well, what else was going through your mind? I mean, that's, that's a very traumatic experience for a young person go through, you have a baby in your womb. You're about to give birth, you know, and you're gonna have a child and it's a very major change in your life. But then you have this side of feeling rejected and so on. You

know, I felt the way they were treating me. That guy was treating me the same way. If I didn't feel like I was worthy of being forgiven, that what I what had happened and what I had done was so bad that in other words, I wasn't good enough to stand in the presence of God and ask for forgiveness, or I just had this view of him turning his back. If the church is doing that God is doing that to me, too. And that was my my train of thought,

yeah. It's, it's your picture of God was was turning in that direction. Even stronger, that you weren't holy enough, you weren't good enough, you said, you weren't even worthy to get in His presence and ask for forgiveness. You know, it's

a horrible feeling. It is because I know my parents love love me. But at the they were just so consumed with their own stuff that they just didn't know how to handle this. Yeah. And my dad tried to maintain the standard with the church that that meant everything to him. So

share with us about, you know, that the decision was made by the board that you're disfellowshipped and what was happening in your home, at that point with your mom and dad, and

you know, nothing changed, they were still having their issues. They eventually embraced the pregnancy, I was going to have a child. I did try to go back to church, and I just didn't feel comfortable with the judgment. And people, you know, treating me like I was a low life center, and I didn't belong there.

So when you went back to church, it was that after you had the baby,

I did go when I was, you know, pregnant, and after the baby, and it was really the same.

So where did you end up? Did you end up deciding that? I just can't go to church anymore. I mean,

I decided I'm done. I just didn't want to feel how I was treated. So I stopped, I stopped going. And it took many years before it came back.

Well, that's a sad, really a sad situation. So you have this young man, right? And you're what was happening with him that he gets punished? Did he get disfellowshipped not

get punished. And he was already doing things that were not, you know, according to our church, he was Santa party and doing things that I knew wasn't good. So I was really hesitant to have anything else to do with him. But my parents really wanted me to make this right and get married and not have a child out of wedlock. But it took about a year and a half before I made that decision.

So you ended up getting married? We did about a year and a half after the baby was born? Yes,

yes. I thought maybe there's a chance maybe the baby can change him. But no, everything got worse. So

you were hoping that the marriage and then the baby would help change the relationship and change him and make him better? What was your desire? Obviously, you had felt like, you know, pushed away from Gods, so to speak, like you weren't worthy to stand in His presence. Because the picture that you had of God that was given to you. What was your hope, though? Was your hope to just live? Live? have God back in your life? And did you have hope of,

oh, man, I got. I don't know, I just had such a bad experience. I felt like I just didn't need church. And I felt rejected by God too. So I didn't even think about it. I was just going to go on living and do the best I could. Now

that's very sad. I have to tell you, it's very sad situation. Unfortunately, there's a lot of people who find themselves in the same positions, whether it's at a church or being rejected by a family because of circumstances or situations, you know, so he ended up getting married to this young man. And so what was the marriage like?

It was terrible right from the beginning. When I got married to him, he was already doing quite a bit of partying. He was messing with drugs and alcohol. He couldn't keep a job. So I'm working. We're arguing a lot. I mean, I'm financially we're having a hard time I'm the only one working. So we started arguing and then it started getting physical. And I mean, he was beating me quieter that and once again I was so afraid to tell my parents. And eventually it got really bad. And I did go to my parents and I was all black and blue. And my parents, my, my dad, especially he, he thought, well, you have a big mouth, you should learn to keep your mouth shut. And you know, there's something you're doing wrong. And so I do have the support of my parents.

Well, let's just stop for a little bit for a moment and unpack this a little bit. So in the relationship with your husband, who is now your husband, he's partying, you're working. And then there's there's arguments over money and probably a lot of other arguments about other issues. So it gets to the point that you mentioned physical abuse, you had bruises on you. So it must have been some pretty bad physical abuse going on. Can you share with us a little bit about that? Oh,

my goodness, I had black eyes I had, I got a scar on my lip from him busting my mouth. And I mean, there was one time that he nearly killed me. He went, got drunk and came and knocked my door down. I was already I had left him I did try to leave him I left him and I it was me and my son and he knocked the door down and came in and grabbed me and I'm banging on the door so neighbors could hear me and no one heard anything. So I was able to run out of the house and till someone called the cops. But I remember they arrested him and I had marks where he tried to strangle me I was I was beat up pretty bad.

So these beatings, this was fairly regular in your marriage was very

regular. But every time I left him, he would say he would change and that he loved me. So once again, this love word has me confused again, because you love me, but you hit me and you don't display any love. You're going out you're doing things you're womanizing, you're doing all of that. So I had issues with that I had issues with the guy really loved me that my parents, my husband, and so I was really lost, and

understandably lost Abby, and you know, sad story, it goes back to being rejected by what was happening you earlier in your life, and now you're living out this rejection only to ends up in a worse situation. So your confusion is getting worse. I mean, you're being abused, you're being physically abused, but you're I'm sure you're being verbally abused, as well, you know? So can you unpack a little bit for us, you know, this, you know, you talked about, you're confused about love, and not sure. And because when somebody is going through an abusive relationship, they get very confused, right, the abuser oftentimes is the typical behavior, they're apologizing after they abuse you. They're telling you that they love you that they want you back, and then they just repeat the cycle. Yes,

I will give you start taking it personal. If you feel like you've caused these arguments you've classified and in some way, you kind of deserve it. Maybe I should have shut up maybe I shouldn't have, you know, gotten in his face. And so you start thinking you're the cos Mm hmm. And you your self esteem takes such a beating. I mean, I would, I felt worthless. I really hit rock bottom about myself. It's really interesting, because somewhere along the way, and this is now looking back. When I question where God was, he was really there all the time. Because he did put several people in my lifetime that were there to help me whether was to give me money so that I can leave him. And so things like that happen through those years that someone will come and help me and I was able to leave him. And finally I eventually did, but

praise God for that. And he was putting people in your pathway. But Abby, as you're sharing about how you're, you know, here you are being the one that's been abused, right? You've been verbally abused, you've been physically abused, and this is like some major abuse right? It was black eyes, you know, being strangled if you like, you could have killed you

black eyes, but unbelievable,

but yet the psyche in our human mind we go into your you're blaming yourself, you know your rights, you're blaming yourself, you're thinking it's your fault. Maybe I should have gotten in his face. Can you share Little bit of more about really what was happening there and your mind? I mean, because it seems so strange from people looking that are not in abusive relationship to understand how could you even think that way? Because somebody's abusing you?

Yeah. It's, it comes from the home, you know, not feeling loved, or I know they love me, but they didn't, didn't express it. I've never heard those words. And it was like, when you treat it that way, you settle for something less. Okay. And so looking back, that's, that's how it also, you know, you're also hopeful that this person is going to change, that you have a child and beautiful baby that, you know, how could he not want to change? And he would say those things, but he wouldn't, wouldn't do it. And I think if I would have had a different background, I wouldn't have stayed that long. That that went on for 12 years. Wow, way too long. In fact, I feel responsible for allowing my little boy to witness some of that. You know,

so your children were witnessing the abuse as

well. My son witnessed a lot of that physical abuse as well. Yeah.

It's a lot to go through Abby. I mean, thank you for sharing your story. As we go through this journey with you. You mentioned how that you eventually head home and tell your parents and your father responds to you with? Well, perhaps it's your fault.

Yeah. And that was that was in the very beginning, he just thought that I was a trouble because I had a big mouth. And I would talk back, bad as years went by. And he saw how hard I was really trying to save this marriage and that I was working that he was not. And then he was doing all these drugs and stuff. Then my dad realized, okay, this guy's really hitting my daughter. And then of course, they want to protect me and they liked him. But it took a while. It took a while for them to intervene. Yeah.

So at this point, you know, 12 years of marriage, how many children did you have during that period,

I ended up having to, I really did not want any more children with him. I just did not. But I had some issues with the birth control. And I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter. And I just had this sense of wanting to protect her. And I didn't want another child to witness this abuse. So I did given the ultimatum and I said, you know, if we're going to have this child, I am just not going to do this again. I'm not going to put up with any more. He promised He promised that he would never do that. He tried for a little while. And when she was six months old, he hit me one more time. And that was the last time. So you left the idea leave? Man, where

did you go from there?

I got an apartment again. Some friends helped me and they gave me the money to get an apartment. And I stayed away. He tried. He tried to get me back and cause a lot of problems. But I was done. I was I wanted something different. I didn't want my daughter to see that. Yeah.

So you ended up getting divorced? We did. And how old were the children at that point?

My son was seven and my daughter was under a year old.

Wow. So here you are a single mom, right? You're obviously working to pay the rent and take care of your children. That must have been a lot for you to go through. Where were you at emotionally? I mean, that's, you've been abused physically, emotionally for 12 years. And here you are. Yeah.

I was now in survival, survival mode mode, right? Yes. That's a good and because now I have two kids, and I need to, you know, fight for them and get on my feet. And I wanted to prove to myself that I could do that. And so that's what I did. I was working two three jobs and trying to provide

and Where were your thinking in regard to God at that point? Was God in the picture at all then? Or? Or are you still just struggling with it

all guy was still not in the picture.

He was in the picture, but he wasn't in the picture of you perceiving that right? Yeah, yeah. You're still going through that journey. Again, this is your story, right? Is your story. So Abby, life goes on. You're a single mom and and so where did life take you from there?

Well, um later on, I went to karate school where I met my second husband, and no karate I took karate, first time, first time ever, and I just wasn't feeling good about myself. I felt you know, my self esteem was, you know, rock bottom, I've felt not attractive. I had gained weight with my daughter. I had been so badly abused physically and emotionally that this made me feel good about myself. It was something that I had so much anger, mature and doing. Karate kinda was an outlet for me. And so it's funny because I really needed God. But I found an outlet and it wasn't able to heal me, but it gave me it provided some, you

know? Yeah, some relief, some relief. You're getting your anger out? Yeah. How did karate go for you? I mean, where did you go with karate?

I just loved it. And I was so dedicated. And I went really far. I did you go. I went to second degree black belt for national championship.

Wow. You were really getting a lot of anger out?

I did. Yeah, I did. It was good for me. I got in shape. And I felt more discipline, and just made me feel stronger. So did you compete? I competed a lot. Yeah. And I married the instructors. I had a new husband. Well, yeah.

And so you got married again for the second time? And how did that go?

He No, it was, it was good. He was not an abuser. To me. And everything seemed really good for a while.

There must have felt protected. I mean, I feel very

protected. He was very good to my children. So I felt like I finally have a happy home. He was older than me. So I felt again, I have more of a man than a child. And like I said, he was good to me, I didn't see too much wrong in the beginning till later on.

So what happened later on you're? Well, later on.

As years went on, we had a, we had built our business, we had a karate school in town, and my world was flipped upside down something really bad happen. I had taken a family member in our home. And my second husband got accused of molesting her. And I wasn't shocked because the girl had had other previous situations. So I was careful with her. So I had a hard time believing that this could happen because I never left her alone with him. Never. So I couldn't wrap myself like When did this happen? But anyway, make a long story short, this was sent something very public. It was an every newspaper, every news on TV, and I was public humiliated. I didn't know what to do. Do I stand by him as true? Is it not true? Never had an opportunity to speak to my niece again. Because they they took her from our home. So I was battling with this. And this took a while to go to court. And we go to court, and he gets convicted. And he goes to prison for 14 years. Wow, wow. 14 years. And that was the first time that I sat talking to God. And it was more in anger. of you know, where are you? I mean, how much more can I take? My world just crumbled. My children are affected by this. And I just didn't understand. And you know, in this dream, I'm yelling at God and questioning where is he? And I in the dream of voice comes out speaking and saying, you know, I'd have never left you alone. And if you open your eyes, and because I felt like I was in this pit, this bottomless pit that was dark and dirty and full of dirt. And I didn't see a way out. But in this dream, he's telling me if you just open your eyes and move the dirt, you'll see that there's some stones that you can crawl yourself out of that hole. So the next morning, I couldn't figure out what this dream meant. But the first thing I did was I close my business, my karate school. I felt at that time it was something that was becoming a negative energy. My husband's in prison. I walk away from my business, my child as my daughter is upset, the person that raised her is in prison. She's angry at me, my son out in the world doing drugs.

So So Abby, just to stop here for a moment, how old are the children at this point,

by then my son is like 21 and my daughter's 13. So my home family is just completely falling apart. And, but I knew that I was living wrong, I knew that I was doing things on my own, and didn't have God in my life. And for the first time, even though I'm angry at him, because I'm blaming him. But I also felt this need that I needed him in my life. And honestly, this was rock bottom for me, rock bottom, as financially bankrupt, I was a mess. And so I'm by myself, and I'm trying to figure out what was what to do next. And again, God sends people my way, that was incredible. I was losing my home. And I got a job at a gym, and I'm doing a little side jobs. And at this gym, that I was working, I just told my, my boss, you know, I mopped the floors, I'll do whatever, but I need extra hours. And so because I shared with her what was going on in my life, she went and told all my co workers, and they all started collecting money. And I had envelopes of cash every single month, anonymously. That's beautiful. And it was just enough money that I didn't lose my home. And so that was God, but I'm still not seeing Yeah, sure. You know, there's just good people, I don't see God working behind the scenes. And so, you know, life went on like that for a few more years. And then I finally met my husband, my third husband, Tom. And that's when my life started changing. I still had not gone back to church. I never talked to him about God. We just got together and he was great person, but we never spoke about God, or church. But I had started to pray. And I was praying for my son, my son was out in the world and you know, messing himself up with drugs and alcohol. I was praying for him, but not going to church. And so just out of the clear, one day, he decides to, you know, start seeking and changing his life and he starts doing it, and I'm witnessing a miracle that I've never seen. So that was the first time that God's revealing to me who he is, to me that was like, so powerful. And, and then my son's invited me to come to church. And I'm still hesitant. I don't want to go back to church. I don't mind God, but now I don't really care for the church environment. But my son was begging me to come back, and I'm watching him change and transform his life. So I basically said, Okay, God, if you can do that for him, maybe you can do that for me. And that's what I said. And I started going to church with him. And learning and the messages were so strong, and I felt like those Spirit was speaking to me, and I was in tears and being moved. And I wanted to change my life. But I had a problem I never share with my husband, my beliefs or nothing. And now I'm concerned about making a commitment. And maybe losing my marriage. We were, you know, party, we're doing all kinds of stuff. And I felt like this is going to affect my marriage. So I just kept going and learning and growing. And finally I decided, You know what, I'm going to speak to him and I'm going to put God first this time, I was really convicted in doing this. So I sat down with my husband, and I told him, You know, I want to, you know, pursue this and I explained to him I believes not in the best way, but he just didn't have a problem with it. And he said, Okay, I can support that. And so I invited him to come to church. He's like, no, no, that's okay. Churches, not for me. And he promised maybe once a month, and once a month. became a regular. And the three of us were baptized. Well, my son and I were baptized together. And then later on my, my husband, and that's

beautiful. Praise God. Yeah. So you mentioned some things about how that God was using your son, he was he was touching your son's life, you were praying for your son, and all of a sudden your son starts to make changes in his life. And you're seeing God working in your son's life. And then God is using your son to start working on you. I mean, God is working on you, but then he's using your son to say, Hey, Mom, come with me, you know, and you're witnessing this beautiful transformation in your son's life. And then you end up back in church and, you know, you start to see more of a picture of God, share with me, the contrast of the picture of God that you're seeing now, at this point in your life, compared to when you were a child, you explain that to us earlier about how you saw God and how you felt rejected, but now how are you seeing God?

You know, when I started coming back to church, I, I had such a revelation because I felt like God that was a guy that was pursuing me. And I never saw that beautiful.

And it's that's the truth. That's who he is.

And then I started I'm being so grateful, um, even the bad experiences because it led me somewhere else. And you can the sign that was, you know that I had Westlife that wins, witness so many things. God used him to bring me back. So to me, that was like, a miracle. And I think he that by doing that, just restore my faith. Because there had been a long time that I had seen anything great like that. So

beautiful. So it was really starting, God was opening your eyes to see him. Right, and how, like you had mentioned, he never abandon you at all, never. He was with you. But it was through your hurts and pains. And rightfully so of what you're going through that was a roadblock. From you seeing God right. And that happens, that happens. That's the journey of life, you know, we get, we go through different pathways. And, of course, the devil is there to try to do our best to paint a picture of God that He says, angry God, and we have to live up to his standards. And if we're not holy enough, we're not going to be accepted in his sight. And now you're seeing a picture of God that, that he loves you, even in your unholiness to seek to bring you out to make you holy. So his love transcends, so to speak, that darkness has love penetrated you, and you responded to that love, that's a beautiful thing. Could you like elaborate a little bit more on that for us? Because that's, that's the moment and you know, you

know, my view of guide was that he wasn't approachable. And now, he's so approachable. Even if you fall short. You can come to him and and talk to him, he's not going to turn his back. Because he wants the best for you. Yeah, he's always the only person that's going to be with open arms. And so that that picture changed, and I don't see him as a dominant, you know, MAD GOD, like, it was like I portrayed, you know, from the Old Testament, and just, I just see him as my friend and someone that I can go to.

Yeah, that's beautiful. So really, when you look at the Bible, and you go through the Bible, would you say that, you know, God's always been faithful to you always, you know, always been faithful to it, and he's faithful to every human being. You know, unfortunately, you know, sometimes, even his professed followers misrepresent him, you know, and send us down and wrong way down the wrong road. Abby, if you could share with people that are listening today, if they're in a similar circumstances or whatever place of darkness they find themselves in? You know, going back from what you went through in childhood, and then, you know, marrying this gentleman and all the abuse, I mean, the physical abuse and mental abuse, what would you want to share with him about God?

I think God has a plan for each and every one of us and all the bad things and negative things that happen to us. None of it comes from God. None of it. Some of it. It's our choices in just life, the sinful world, but none of that bad stuff is from him. And to not give up to pursue looking for him and to at least, you know, be connected by prayer and a support system. Ya know?

So again, Abby back to the to, you know what we would say to people if you saw somebody that got pregnant today out of wedlock, how would you respond to them?

I would put my arms around that girl and I would try to have a relationship and be of help instead of coming across judgmental, get to know that person and and support them and help them through that journey.

Yeah, what would you whisper in their ear? To give them hope?

Her beautiful loves her.

That that shame that she's feeling that dirtiness that she's feeling that don't listen

to those voices that is not from God, those those negative things is the enemy that puts that in your mind so that you can blame God? Yes,

yeah. Like Romans eight, chapter, chapter eight, verse one, it says, there's no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, you know, there's no condemnation. God wants to forgive us all. God wants to remove our guilt. God wants to remove our shame. That's why Jesus died on the cross He died to with all of our guilt and shame, you know, and that's God, the beautiful pictures, you look at the cross, you see a God that truly is love, and gives everything gave everything for us that he might save us from this curse of sin. But he's giving everything for us even today, trying to reach out to us. I really liked the point in your story where you're, you're looking back now. And you're seeing how God put people in your life. People that you didn't know that we're putting money together to help pay your mortgage, you know, people that stepped, stepped into your life. And now you look back and you see the hand of God was there for you? What would you say to people, Abby that are in that zone right now that perhaps are in that angry zone with God? And they're blaming God, again, you mentioned don't give up. But what do you think could help shift their their perception of God?

Yeah, it's not God that causes or brings this to us these negative situations. And you know, it's not God. And, again, I mean, he created us, and it's not to put us through difficult times, you know, he might allow things to happen, but it's always for something greater and bigger. But I think we forget one to blame God, but there's two forces. We never blamed the devil. We put blame on God and ourselves and ourselves and ourselves.

Yeah, no, that's very good point. Abby, you know, you mentioned in your story, I'm just recapping a little bit. You mentioned in your story that when you did get pregnant, and you felt rejected, you saw things in this individual that were warning signs that perhaps you shouldn't get married to him? And you're struggling with that. Yeah. And then you had the pressure from your parents to marry. If you had a chance to live that again? Would you have made a different choice? Absolutely.

Yes, absolutely. No, no. And I think it's because I didn't have God in me. So I was making decisions. Me, I can work on this, I can try to save this marriage, you know, so it was I, I didn't I didn't give this I didn't release this to God. I didn't trust him yet. So I was just taught how to do everything on my own.

So you would have made perhaps just to say, you know, trust in God, yeah. Make a decision on your own. Right, even though you felt others were pushing you into something, and maybe go in a different direction? Yeah, it's, it's, it's difficult for all of us to come to the point of making solid decisions. But it's very important for us, I think, to look at where these decisions are leading us.

Yeah. And it's, I mean, that's done a lot in my life, and I have been able to forgive my parents. I don't blame them. For anything that's happened. And I have restored a relationship with both of them. You know, my dad's passed now, but I can understand what happened to them. And there, you have to like reframe, yeah, I just happened to remind my dad so it's helped me understand. And I think, if I've learned anything, is to be compassionate for those that are going through things because I've been through that and I know what it's like. And so I want to be the better person and not, you know, I take responsibility for sure, everything I did. But

you mentioned the word word frame, which is a good word to use. So, as you've seen, God changed your life and how he's worked in you. Now you've reframed your reframing how you're looking at your parents and other people along the way. And I think that's so important for all of us, too, as we've been forgiven, that God would have us turn around and have compassion and forgiveness on those perhaps that, you know, have done us wrong, or, or thought they were doing the right thing, even though maybe it wasn't the right thing. And did us wrong, you know?

Yeah, I mean, to be bitter about something, and to hold grudges is poison. And I just don't want that in my life. And you know, I love God, and I want to do things that, you know, please him and I had to learn to, you know, forgive my parents and I did a long time ago. Yeah.

How about those who abused you along the way? Abby?

I don't have any resentment in my heart. Honestly, I am in a good place in my life that so past tense, I don't I don't wish him anything. Yeah.

Well, just looking at your face, it seems to be glowing. When you talk about that. Abby, it looks like what I see is a person who is free, free in their heart that God has set you free. Yeah, you know, and that's the beauty. And I think that those who are listening to this story, you know, remembering that the God of Heaven wants to set us all free from anger, from bitterness from resentment from whatever is holding us back, because those are poisons, like you mentioned. But so he wants to set us free and fill us with His love. And, like this podcast is called love shaped life. So that God continues to shape all of us to love like him.

And then you know, and that's what it takes takes love.

So share with us briefly, in closing, because we're closing out, you know, what's life like, for you now with you and your current husband, and I

made a good choice. It took me a few times, but on, he's good. And I never expected him to set Christ and be on this journey with me. And so I'm very happy. No,

well, praise God, praise God. God is the God of new beginnings. So in closing, again, anything else you want to share with perhaps somebody who's listening here today that you feel like you didn't share?

I would just encourage people to get to learn more about who God is. And it's, it's, I know, religion can taint the view of God and people, but just get to know him personally. And you know, one thing that really made a difference for me, when we speak about God dying in the cross, I felt like, it wasn't for me, it was like for everybody else, and you have to make that really personal. That's I'm included, he died, me to see that. It's humbling to know that I just encourage you to, to really get to know that is,

yeah, I appreciate what you're saying. You're saying that, to get to know who God is, but then also to accept the God that you're seeing for you personally. So God is offering you forgiveness, we have to accept that for ourselves. God is offering you unconditional love. We have to accept that for ourselves. Because oftentimes, we don't feel worthy of unconditional love. But I read this author said, Don't allow your own worthiness to hinder you from experiencing what God wants to give you. Right. So that's what you've done. You know, and that's what I think you're trying to encourage the audience today. And

sometimes we have to take action, we can't expect God to do everything. I mean, I always feel like some people view God as a genie in a bottle. He just does everything for us, we have to take action. And sometimes like in my case, I do not see God working. And sometimes we have to really meditate and think about it and look back and see where he was pressive where he was there. So it takes action we need to do our part.

That's a That's a good thought too, is to do some reflecting on how where we saw God last. And perhaps we didn't see God. But if you didn't see God and to pass and take the opportunity to see ghosts, he is he's there. And we want to encourage everybody who's listening today to to follow what you know Abby was sharing to seek God and give God a chance. It's in your life. Open up your Bible. And the best place to start is in the life of Jesus because he came to share, share with us the true picture of God, that God truly is love, and that he loves each and every one of us and that love will transform your life. No matter what the place you find yourself in, no matter how dark it is, God can pull you out. God can heal your broken heart. God can set you free. That's who he is. Seek Him and hold on to that beautiful God because He is for you and not against you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. And God bless each and every one of you

Transcribed by https://otter.ai