Shownotes
Jack and Jose visit the Milk and Honey Farm, where nothing is quite what it seems.
(content warnings below the cast listing)
JACK OF ALL TRADES is a Faustian Nonsense Original. Check it out and read the full scripts under "transcript" at faustiannonsense.com/jack-of-all-trades , and subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com/faustiannonsense .
Cast:
Jaci Szilagyi as Jack Withers
Joe Cruz as Jose Perez
Josiah Thorngate as Rafael
Marquista S. as Alice
Alex Rowland as Reva
CONTENT WARNING: torture
Transcripts
Episode 7: Milk and Honey
INTRO
JACK
Hi! I’m Jack. Listen closely, it’s all real and very, very important.
JOSE
You still think this is some grand adventure, don’t you?
JACK
It’s my story. Our story.
Thanks for listening to...Jack of All Trades.
JOSE
Is that seriously what we’re calling it--?
[Cut to intro music.]
SCENE ONE
[Keystone activating. Car doors slam. Outdoorsy sounds, pleasant ones. Tweeting birds, that sort of thing. Crunching footsteps on the path with leaves and branches.]
JACK
Wow, it's beautiful. I'm feeling an urge to wax poetic.
JOSE
Resist.
JACK
[Ignores him]
The verdant hills, the ancient trees arching over our path, making us feel small--
JOSE
[Harsher than usual]
So much for willpower.
JACK
What's up with you today? Boyfriend out of town or something?
JOSE
What boyfriend?
JACK
The one you keep texting, but insisting you don’t have.
JOSE
Wh-what? I’m not-- How do you know I’m not texting my mom? Never thought about that, did you?
JACK
Are you?
[A pause]
Well, maybe this place can help distract you! Even you have to admit it's gorgeous. Oh, look! There's even a garden over by the cabin! We're definitely going to have to check that out.
JOSE
We have a job to do, you know.
[JOSE fiddling with paper, pen, and clipboard.]
JACK
Yes, well, if everything else is this nice, I definitely think we should manage the property. Here, you can even have all the fun ones on the list. Wine testing. Food tasting. Although...
This is a farm. Are we supposed to know how to run a farm? I don't think I put "farmer" on my resume.
JOSE
Please, this isn't a real farm. Can you imagine anyone out here sewing oats? Harvesting beets? Tossing hay bales?
[Other footsteps approach.]
JACK
Shh, play nice. Hi! Are you who we're supposed to be meeting? We're from Fidus Achates.
RAFAEL
Hi, yes.
[Walking over]
I'm so glad you found the place!
[He’s finally standing there with them]
I’m one of three groundskeepers for the Milk and Honey Farm! What's your name?
JACK
I'm Jack. Jacqueline Withers.
RAFAEL
And you?
JOSE
Jose.
[Long pause, RAFAEL waiting. JACK clears her throat pointedly.]
Perez.
RAFAEL
Great! You can call me Rafael. Let’s run through a quick tour of the outdoorsy bits.
[Walking]
Follow me!
[Walking, sound of (softly) buzzing bees as they approach garden]
Here’s our little flower garden,
[Walking]
and that building there
[Walking]
is the main barnhouse.
[Pause to explain things]
Now I know the flowers aren’t in bloom anymore, but
[Walking a couple steps off the path to point]
look up!
You’re here at JUST the right time to see the trees starting to turn these lovely shades of yellow and red.
JACK
We were just talking about how beautiful this place is!
RAFAEL
That’s kind of you to say so!
We really do our best. It's certainly been popular with couples looking for a nice place to get married.
JOSE
I'd never have guessed.
JACK
So, uh, how long have you been taking care of the farm?
ALICE
[Her footsteps crunch on drying leaves, catching up with them. She pops a bottle of champagne as she approaches.]
Seven hundred thirty-five years, and fourteen days.
RAFAEL
Hah, it certainly feels like it! This is Alice. Sorry she’s running late! She was meant to be here with champagne when you got here. Late is better than never, I suppose.
ALICE
Ha, yeah. Sorry I’m running late--I really wanted to get a nice bottle from the cellar for our guests.
RAFAEL
That’s the one you chose?
ALICE
...Should I get another?
RAFAEL
Mm. No, this one is already open. No sense in wasting it. Did you bring glasses?
ALICE
Yes! Yes, here.
[Sounds of ALICE pouring them champagne flutes.]
JACK
Oh, wow!
JOSE
[At the same time as JACK]
Thank god.
ALICE
Cheers!
[Sound of clinking champagne glasses]
JACK
I guess, well... We are supposed to do a tasting, but... We really shouldn’t--not both of us at least--
JOSE
I’ll take yours then.
[JOSE takes JACK’s flute.]
ALICE
Hah! This bottle is a:[JOSE and ALICE chatter about the wine and it fades to the background as JACK and RAFAEL walk ahead of them.]
RAFAEL
Oh, don’t look so worried!
What’s work without a little play, right?
Besides, I assure you Alice doesn’t mind having someone willing to listen about the wine, either. Reva’s the one who actually makes the wine, but with how proud of it Alice is, it’d be easy to mistake it for her own.
JACK
[Laughs]
Yeah. Alright, fair enough. Still, I do have some questions we need to go through while we walk, if that’s alright.
[Clipboard/paper/pen sounds]
RAFAEL
I expected as much.
Go on, ask your questions!
JACK
So you knew the last owner, then?
RAFAEL
[Stop walking]
Reva and I knew her a bit. Her family had ties to this land for so long. It’s strange to think that the opportunity to know them any better is gone.
[Sad sigh]
JACK
I'm so sorry for your loss.
RAFAEL
Thank you.
JACK
Did she, uh. Die? On the farm?
For insurance reasons.
RAFAEL
Oh, no, she only visited and checked in with the farm as needed. She didn’t live here. I believe she passed in the comfort of her own home, far away from here.
She died without any children, so when there was no next of kin to claim the farm, we sought out Fidus Achates.
[Clear throat and sniffle back any stray tears. He claps his hands.]
Right! So.
[Walking]
Right next to this little pond is the building reserved for the bridal party.
[Walking]
There’s several rooms and beds, and the way we lease it is not unlike a normal hotel.
[Walking]
And of course the big vineyard off to the side there is best for receptions.
JOSE
[A little tipsy, still a ways back with ALICE.]
That’s so many grapes.
[Sounds of JOSE and ALICE laughing.]
ALICE
For so much wine!
RAFAEL
Alice.
ALICE
[Still giggling]
Sorry!
JACK
Any problems lately? Anything need fixing?
RAFAEL
Nothing like that. Reva and I can generally take care of it well enough.
[Walking]
We haven’t had to have any repairmen come out, if that’s what you’re referring to.
[Walking]
Here, come on in. We can continue our talks where you can see the suites for yourself!
[Sound of the door opening, closing once everyone's inside and the birdsong gets a little muffled.]
Oh, Reva!
Our guests are here! Meet Jack and Jose. Do we have anything for them to eat? Champagne on an empty stomach can be...well. It can definitely make for interesting receptions!
REVA
Of course! I just picked some perfectly ripe nectarines, in fact. How was the tour? Hi, I’m that Reva he keeps talking about.
RAFAEL
That she is! We have several fruit trees on the farm.
JACK
That sounds amazing, thank you. The tour was amazing! You guys run an amazing venue.
[Takes a bite of the nectarine. Mouth full]
Jose, you have to try this.
RAFAEL
Beautiful enough for Fidus Achates to sign on to manage it?
REVA
I hope you will--we think Fidus Achates would be such a great match.
JACK
Well, we’ve covered everything on my list! But what would Fidus Achates be doing if not repair work?
RAFAEL
Making sure all the utility and property balances are orderly and paid, checking on the property from time to time--
ALICE
Regular offerings of milk and honey, goat sacrifices, the normal stuff!
RAFAEL
[RAFAEL and REVA laugh]
Just little things.
JOSE
[Laughing too]
If it makes a place like this...? Worth it.
RAFAEL
Oh, pay no mind to Alice’s humor. Still, between you and me? I agree. I have to say I’m pretty proud of this place.
JACK
Honestly, I'm in love with this place and everything my boss asked me to look into checks out.
JOSE
Food’s great. Wine’s great.
JACK
I think Ed would love the place. It definitely fits her style. Yeah, alright! We'd be happy to!
RAFAEL
Wonderful!
REVA
Go wash up and I can whip up a nice salad for you both for tonight’s supper. ALICE, would you get a room ready for them for tonight?
ALICE
No problem-o!
JACK
Tonight?
RAFAEL
It's such a long drive back to the city, we wouldn’t want you to make that drive in the dark!
JACK
Jose? What do you think?
JOSE
Eh. I don't have anything I have to get back to.
JACK
I knew it! Definitely out of town. Rafael, Reva, that sounds lovely. Thank you.
RAFAEL
Of course! Now, let’s have a look at that contract and get the last of the formalities complete. Wouldn’t want you to go back to your boss empty handed!
JACK
Hah, yeah, she can be a little strict.
REVA
I don’t doubt that.
JACK
What--
JOSE
[Munches on a strawberry]
Mm. Did you guys grow these here too? This is the best strawberry I’ve ever had. Holy shit.
JACK
Jose!
RAFAEL
[Laughs]
It’s alright, really. Expected, even. Reva’s spoils are hard to resist. Here, I’ve gone ahead and initialed my parts.
JACK
Huh? Oh! Right, sorry--
[Scribbling as JACK signs]
There.
RAFAEL
How exciting! Glad to be in business with you.
ALICE
Rooms are ready! Follow me?
REVA
Go on, go wash up. Dinner will be ready soon enough!
JOSE
[Munching on another strawberry]
Lead the way!
SCENE TWO
JACK
So how long is your boyfriend out of town for?
JOSE
[Groan]
You’re gonna do this all night, aren’t you.
JACK
Ah, fine, you don't want to talk about your love life, you don't have to.
[Beat]
I think Ed would like this place, don't you?
JOSE
Jack--
JACK
I know what you're gonna say--
JOSE
Jack... it’s not going to go how you want it to. It can’t last. You know that, right?
JACK
Look, I know she's my boss, our boss, and she's a little--
JOSE
No, you look. I haven't been possessed by a hostile entity in like...a while. I don't remember all the details so don’t ask, but I know if she’s ambitious at all, then she can’t risk secret girlfriends. Fidus Achates is like quicksand, you hold on to her she’ll drag you in too.
JACK
I really care about her, Jose. It’s not just some fling. And, besides! What does that even mean? Am I supposed to dread being able to go public with it?
Oh, woe is me, Ed! Don’t drag me into all those fancy corporate dinner parties--
JOSE
I’m not joking! You can’t trust upper management. Remember when we had to go back and cover up after the thing with Karen?
JACK
Yeah, but I'm surprised you do. You must be feeling better.
JOSE
Fidus Achates was making us cover up what happened! Through Ed. Doesn't that strike you as suspicious?
JACK
I mean, if you had no idea about the whole supernatural thing, wouldn’t you think they were crazy too? I’m sure she's just trying to protect the company's reputation, it's her--
JOSE
Maybe it’s worth being wary of an organization that sees something they don’t understand and immediately tries to erase it! And now she’s at their...headquarters, or something, and who even knows what goes on there.
JACK
Even if you’re right, about Fidus Achates...She’s not like that--!
JOSE
What, she tell you that in one of your late-night sexting marathons?
JACK
Hey we’re not-- We’re talking. She’s been gone for weeks. I miss her. I’d think you could relate. Anyone ever tell you that you’re cranky when you’re not getting laid?
JOSE
And in all that time, has she told you anything about this shady business trip she’s on? Anything at all?
JACK
It hasn’t come up. We don’t talk much about work.
JOSE
Heh, I bet.
[JACK impression]
Oh, Ed’s not like other managers! Ed is special. Ed would simply love this wedding venue! I should bring her here just the two of us...
JACK
At least I can admit Ed exists. Gotta be hard bringing an imaginary boyfriend anywhere.
JOSE
You’re delusional if you think anyone would choose some girl they just met over a shiny new promotion. See how long it takes before Fidus Achates is willing to toss you under the bus the moment they catch wind you believe in the “crazy” stuff. See if she protects her secret girlfriend or not.
[Sigh]
I...I’m going on a walk.
JACK
Whatever.
JOSE
Yeah. Good night.
[Keystone powers down]
SCENE THREE
[Keystone activates. Light snoring/slow breathing from JACK, still asleep. After a moment, we hear distant sounds of JOSE screaming in agony. This is what triggered the keystone. Lighter laughter. Another scream from JOSE wakes JACK up.]
JACK
...Huh? ...Jose?
[Pause as JACK moves about. There’s more muffled laughter, and JACK gets up to go open the window.]
What on earth...?
[Window opens. JOSE’s screams are now VERY audible. He’s sobbing and choking on what’s probably blood. Laughter is sharp. JACK stumbles back from the window, breathing quickly and horrified.]
Oh god, Jose. Oh god. Oh fuck.
RAFAEL
Oh, good, you’re awake.
REVA
[Sounds of REVA struggling with JOSE. Sound of impacts, and maybe some ripping. JOSE making more pained sounds.]
Tell her she’s in breach. Even if she seems determined to sleep through her notice of breach, it’s only polite.
RAFAEL
[Still shouting up to JACK.]
Consider this your due notice that you are in breach of the contract, dear.
JACK
Nononono this can’t be happening, what are you DOING?
RAFAEL
See, that is why you ought to read contracts before signing them, Ms. Withers! Didn’t your commanding officer teach you anything? Such a shame.
JOSE
[Garbled, and interrupted by more torture]
J-Jack--!
JACK
Jose! Just h-hold on! I’m--...I’ll figure something out!
RAFAEL
Oh, you should hurry, then! Because--
[His words are drowned out by more of JOSE’s screaming.]
JACK
What?
RAFAEL
Only half an hour of notice is promised! And Jose here has been hard at work waking you up for...
[Pause, thinking it over.]
Oh, I don’t know. Around fifteen minutes?
ALICE
[Right behind JACK]
Twenty-one, on the dot!
JACK
[She screams and takes off running. Sounds of JACK struggling to get past ALICE and hurtling down wooden stairs.]
Get off me! Don’t touch me!
ALICE
Rafael, we’ve got another runner!
RAFAEL
[Appearing out of nowhere, closer]
Well maybe if you stopped spooking them! Ugh. How unfortunately predictable. That’s alright, Ms. Withers, you run as much as you like.
ALICE
[close again]
Look, she’s turning pink! Does that mean she’s dying already?
RAFAEL
No. That’s just her blood pooling. It’s a fear response.
JACK
[Sounds of JACK tipping over chairs and causing havoc to try and keep them away from her. Their voices fade as she gets further away, then snap back to being right next to her.]
Who are you? What are you? How the hell are you doing that?
[She busts out of the house, and JOSE’s screams are loud again.]
REVA
We’re fae, we’re fae, and we’re fae.
[RAFAEL and ALICE laugh at that.]
JOSE
Jack, RUN!
JACK
[Sounds of JACK sprinting and panting.]
RAFAEL
[Chatting with ALICE leisurely as she follows.]
Oh, did you put the contract on the altar?
ALICE
I did, yes! With the red pen, too.
RAFAEL
Oh! Hm. Not the one that skips?
ALICE
It does skip, but it’ll match the blood. Surely that’s worth some patience.
RAFAEL
It will have to be. Hopefully things won’t need to be that drastic anyways.
ALICE
Aw, cheer up, there’s only seven minutes left to wait!
RAFAEL
Yes, but we still have to go on this little chase because you like to watch them run. Reva never does this.
ALICE
You’re so boring.
JACK
Stop following me!
[Shuffling in her pockets, then pulling out a taser. She clicks it on.]
Stay back! I’ve got--I’ve got a taser--
[It fizzles out.]
Shit. I had a taser. How did you do that?
ALICE
Magic! Wow, you really work for Fidus Achates?
JACK
What do you want from us?
RAFAEL
That’s a bit complicated. We want you to die. But not just yet. And not necessarily here.
JACK
And Jose--did you kill my friend?
[Sounds of JACK picking up a branch and trying to light it with her lighter.]
C’mon, c’mon...
ALICE
No, but Reva probably will eventually. He certainly didn’t seem like your friend last night, did he?
RAFAEL
That’s right! He was rather cruel about your little crush on “Ed.” How cute! Is she your commanding officer?
JACK
[She manages to light the branch on fire]
Fuck, finally!
[Swings the branch]
Stay back!
REVA
[Appearing out of nowhere. JACK screams.]
Oh, has she stopped running? That’s new. The other one has finally gone quiet.
RAFAEL
She seems to believe she can fight her way out of this.
JACK
Well if you keep just popping up after me, there’s not much point in running, is there?
[Another swing as ALICE gets too close]
Fuck off!
ALICE
[She laughs.]
She still has four minutes.
JACK
And you--you’re all fae, so you--you can’t lie, right?
RAFAEL
Yes...that’s correct.
REVA
More questions. How irritating.
JACK
What do I have to do to fix the breach of contract?
REVA
You can’t unbreak something, child.
JACK
Then what good does it do you to just kill me?
RAFAEL
Plenty! Think of it as something of a celebration. You were not the only one bound to the contract, little one.
JACK
But why--
ALICE
[Cutting in, and stepping closer]
And there’s a lovely reward for your lifeless eyes.
JACK
My--
REVA
Not your eyes specifically. But they would be distinctive enough to represent how lifeless you are.
RAFAEL
We would need them imbued with the memories of death, though.
REVA
Hm. That would be an awful lot of trouble.
ALICE
Oh! What if we skinned her?
JACK
Shut up! Just... Just shut up!
[She swings the branch again. It’s crackling. The fae laugh at her.]
REVA
Skinning wouldn’t really be less work.
ALICE
[Sing-songing to JACK]
One minute left, darling.
RAFAEL
Alice, don’t play with your food. It’s unbecoming.
ALICE
Ugh.
JACK
Wait--You...You have to answer my questions, don’t you?
[The fae stop laughing. There’s some noises of discomfort.]
Don’t you?
REVA
Yes.
[Growling]
How many seconds, Alice?
ALICE
Forty-three.
JACK
Why would someone want Jose and I dead?
[Swings the branch again. Snarls.]
Answer me!
RAFAEL
[Laughing]
Who knows! But you’ve caught the eye of someone powerful.
REVA
Maybe two someones. They have Fidus Achates keystones. They should both be under protection of their court. And the other human is attached to something.
RAFAEL
That they do. Bold, to mark any of the Fidus Achates wards for death.
ALICE
Whoever called for the hits is gonna regret messing with the fae.
REVA
But that’s their problem. We’ll have the renown without the culpability. It’s perfect.
JACK
Wait--Wait, what’s Fidus Achates got--
[She makes a pained sound as something cracks across her skull.]
ALICE
[Up close, right into her ear.]
Time’s up.
[Sounds of JACK hitting the ground, keystone muffled by her fall. There’s some shuffling as ALICE picks her up.]
There we go. Nice and docile now.
[There’s sharp static, off-key dissonance and crackling as they fae-step.]
RAFAEL
Pick up yours on the way, would you Reva?
REVA
[Hefting JOSE up.]
Yep. Got him.
RAFAEL
And he agreed to the deal?
REVA
Of course he did. He couldn’t risk his attachment.
RAFAEL
Lovely. Set them down in their vehicle, if you don’t mind.
[Shuffling about.]
Look at them, all quiet and soft like this. They're so fragile, aren't they? So ...cosmically little. Their bruises might fade before their deaths, but they'll already have aged so much. Lost so much time. Already these two are maybe a quarter through their entire lifespans.
ALICE
If they're lucky enough to reach a century.
REVA
They’ll be lucky to make it far from the farm. Hah!
RAFAEL
But really, look at them! Humans just like these two, just as breakable, truly believe they named the stars. Imagine being here for so little time and thinking yourselves worthy of the skies.
[ALICE and REVA laughing]
I guess I can see the appeal--the perversion, really, of watching after humans, lusting for them, hunting them... It might feel like hunting a little god. Like a moth that fancies itself to be a phoenix! But to go so far as wanting to join them... That’s too far.
ALICE
Eugh.
REVA
For once, I agree with Alice.
RAFAEL
Oh well. I doubt this will turn the tide.
Goodbye, little ones.
[More sharp static and we hear JOSE’s keystone being forcibly turned off just before JACK’s is forced off too.]
SCENE FOUR
JACK
[JACK wakes up in her car with a gasp. She pats herself down. She sees JOSE.]
Jose...? Jose? Oh god--!
[She struggles with her seatbelt, sitting up to check on JOSE]
Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead.
[Beat]
Okay. Okay. Not dead yet. Just... hang on, okay?
[Buckles up again, turns on the car. Peels out.]
Just hold on. Hold on, okay? I’ll get you hot chocolate, egg sandwiches, anything. Anything. Anything.
[Sounds of them speeding down the freeway. JACK fiddles with her keystone.]
Call Edwith Knight.
[No one answers.]
Call Edwith Knight.
[No one answers. JACK’s choking back tears.]
Please. Call Ed. Ed, please. Please. Pick up.
[No one answers.]
Call anyone! Just call for help! Help, we need help!
[Command not recognized x2.]
Call Fidus Achates! Call Fidus Achates headquarters!
[There’s ringing. JACK holds her breath. Someone picks up.]
UNKNOWN
You don’t have authorization to reach this line. Your connection is being terminated.
JACK
No, wait--!
[Call ends.]
Wait...!
[Beat. Then soft sounds of JACK trying not to cry.]
Hold on Jose. I’m sorry. Just hold on. Please.
[Keystone deactivates.]
