Avoid These 3 Screen Time Mistakes: Expert Tips For Parents with Jessie Liew

Stephen: 00:00:00

The second mistake that people are making is they try to use rules.

Stephen: 00:00:05

I think this is a natural extension of the first mistake, right?

Stephen: 00:00:08

You're trying to limit your child's screen time.

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They resist, they fight it, they sneak around.

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It leads to a bunch of yelling and arguing.

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And at some point you start to feel powerless and you go.

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I'm the parent.

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This is what we're doing.

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And you make rules.

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Jesse, you're going to tell us why making rules does not work.

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Welcome to the Unshakable Habits podcast, where we help you to

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build the habits and routines that help build the life you want.

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So you can turn everyday actions into powerful wins for your

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health, mindset, relationships.

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and professional growth.

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I am your host, Stephen Box.

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And you may have gathered today, we're going to be talking about helping you

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to reduce your child's screen time.

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This is something that I've had a lot of clients and a lot of friends even

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share with me can be quite the struggle.

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It creates a lot of conflict in the house.

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And according to my guest today, Jesse Luo, There are 20 different mistakes

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that parents make when it comes to trying to reduce their child's screen time.

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And today, Jesse is going to share with us the top 3 or 4 mistakes that you

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might be making and what to do instead.

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So today, I think you guys are going to get tremendous, as a matter

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of fact, I know that you guys are going to get tremendous value.

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Out of this, because Jesse is going to point out the most common

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mistakes that people are making and give you the alternative to do.

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And then if you want to learn some of the other things that might be going on, Jesse

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has a webinar that covers 20 different mistakes that parents might be making.

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So with that, allow me to introduce my guest today, Jesse Luau.

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Jesse, how are you doing today?

Stephen: 00:02:15

I'm good.

Stephen: 00:02:16

How are you today?

Stephen: 00:02:17

I'm good.

Stephen: 00:02:18

Jesse, let's start off with how did you get into this idea of helping

Stephen: 00:02:24

parents limit screen time for children?

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Like what made this a passion project for you?

Jessie Liew: 00:02:29

Okay, actually, I didn't spot this specifically on my mind.

Jessie Liew: 00:02:34

Uh, it was actually an accident somehow because, because of my

Jessie Liew: 00:02:38

background, I actually worked 14 years in cyber security and my

Jessie Liew: 00:02:41

husband is also in, it's a tech guy.

Jessie Liew: 00:02:44

So actually both of us, we are trying to delay the technology use

Jessie Liew: 00:02:48

it in our children because number one, the internet is not safe.

Jessie Liew: 00:02:51

My background, we know what is out there.

Jessie Liew: 00:02:54

And then secondly, we know that we are computer science graduate.

Jessie Liew: 00:02:57

We know all these device are very addictive and that's why we want to delay.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:02

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:03

But when the pandemic came, like March 2020, the whole world shuts

Jessie Liew: 00:03:08

down and my kid has to go to the online in order to continue the

Jessie Liew: 00:03:15

online learning journey for that.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:17

So I realized that, oh, shit, I can't delay anymore.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:21

And therefore I decided I need to do something because if not, my children

Jessie Liew: 00:03:26

will be also be addicted, like other kids, addicted to the screen time.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:30

That's it.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:30

So, so.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:31

Uh, a problem that I heard a lot of my friends complaining about.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:36

And when one of my friends actually called me up and shared, she was

Jessie Liew: 00:03:41

fighting with her teenage son to, to wrestle the smartphone physically

Jessie Liew: 00:03:46

from her son, because of her son's gaming addiction, it got me shocked.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:51

And then I was like, Oh my God.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:53

And then I realized that maybe something that I need to share with the world.

Jessie Liew: 00:03:56

And that's how my journey started.

Stephen: 00:03:58

Okay.

Stephen: 00:03:59

Yeah.

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So let's dive into this a little bit, right?

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First of all, why is this a problem?

Jessie Liew: 00:04:05

Actually, all these smartphones, they are actually designed

Jessie Liew: 00:04:08

to get us hooked to the device.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:11

So if I actually study, there's a good book called Sock by Nir et al.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:15

It actually explains, it's actually a habit book that explains why all of us

Jessie Liew: 00:04:20

are actually hooked to the platform.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:22

Like Facebook, Instagram, all the social media, even the YouTube.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:26

All these, they actually install the gamification process and

Jessie Liew: 00:04:30

they also have the triggers.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:31

It's like a habit system look to actually hook us to the platform again.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:35

And, and because the habit has been repeated so many times, it

Jessie Liew: 00:04:39

just become like subconscious.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:41

Like I think right now, not to say about children, even most

Jessie Liew: 00:04:44

adults, they are addicted.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:45

If they're waiting in, maybe they're waiting for a train, they're boring.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:49

Then there were things is they just look at the smartphone.

Jessie Liew: 00:04:52

Even in the train, they were looking at the smartphone, and I even see

Jessie Liew: 00:04:55

some people crossing the road, even with the smartphone, which is quite,

Jessie Liew: 00:04:59

could be quite dangerous, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:05:01

And that's why I realized that I do want that to actually shape the habits in my

Jessie Liew: 00:05:06

children, and I recognize that I need to do something, because if not, not,

Jessie Liew: 00:05:10

uh, my children will be also addicted, because if adults have so much difficulty

Jessie Liew: 00:05:17

to not be distracted and hold to the backbone, what about our children?

Stephen: 00:05:23

Yeah, and I think this is a good point to kind of point out here.

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As adults, we have fully developed functioning brains.

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And most of us, maybe the younger generation, but when I say most of

Stephen: 00:05:38

us, I'm thinking like people my age and older, and people even a few years

Stephen: 00:05:42

younger than me, had the benefit of growing up without all this technology.

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And even we're addicted to all the technology in the screens now.

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And so if people who grew up without all that stuff can get hooked on it,

Stephen: 00:05:58

and I imagine it's really difficult for the younger generation whose brains are

Stephen: 00:06:03

still developing, that they're still taking in all these ideas, that they're

Stephen: 00:06:06

still trying to figure out who they are.

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that this really is a problem for them and it's going to be much more difficult

Stephen: 00:06:14

for them to break this habit later on because they don't even have a framework

Stephen: 00:06:18

reference for what it was like without it.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:24

Yeah, totally agree.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:25

Like we, we can totally refer back to the old days when you were younger and

Jessie Liew: 00:06:30

you don't have the smartphone and when you were younger, like a teenager,

Jessie Liew: 00:06:33

you just take the phone, take your bags and with the books, we even go

Jessie Liew: 00:06:38

to hang out with our friends and we didn't, you actually have to code.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:42

And decide that, okay, I'm going to meet you there at 1.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:44

40 and you have to be punctual there because you can't call

Jessie Liew: 00:06:48

anyone, anybody else if you late.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:50

But right now everybody has the smartphone.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:52

So it's actually a different world that our children are born in.

Jessie Liew: 00:06:55

They are actually born in this digital era.

Stephen: 00:06:58

Yeah.

Stephen: 00:06:58

And I think most people, when they start thinking about technology, yeah.

Stephen: 00:07:03

And I'm, I don't have children myself, just full disclosure.

Stephen: 00:07:06

So I'm basing this off of what I've heard from my friends who are, right.

Stephen: 00:07:11

Yeah.

Stephen: 00:07:11

is it seems like there's a few different buckets that people put

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technology use into and they don't necessarily put them together, which I

Stephen: 00:07:21

find interesting because I teach this concept of connected health, right?

Stephen: 00:07:25

We're, we're looking at the physical, the mental, the emotional, the

Stephen: 00:07:28

relationships, the environment.

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And your bigger sense of purpose or your existential health.

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And I find that most people, when I talk to them, they don't stop to think about

Stephen: 00:07:39

how those interconnect to each other.

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How they view them almost as separate things.

Stephen: 00:07:43

And I think the exact same thing applies to the technology conversation.

Stephen: 00:07:48

There's, yes, the connection aspect of technology, which we

Stephen: 00:07:52

already touched on a little bit.

Stephen: 00:07:54

But there's also the dangerous side of technology, right?

Stephen: 00:07:58

There's kids out there getting addicted to pornography.

Stephen: 00:08:01

There's predators out there online who are making contact with children, right?

Stephen: 00:08:07

Those are two big ones that people think about.

Stephen: 00:08:10

But I think one that doesn't get discussed enough is bullying.

Stephen: 00:08:15

When I was a kid, I got bullied.

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I got bullied at school and then I came home and I didn't

Stephen: 00:08:21

have to deal with my bully.

Stephen: 00:08:22

You With technology, you can literally be bullied 24 7.

Stephen: 00:08:28

And I think it's important to have this conversation about technology

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and some of the dangers of it because people don't necessarily stop to think.

Stephen: 00:08:37

They think of the big concerns, but they don't think about the small micro things

Stephen: 00:08:42

that happen with technology every single day that actually have a bigger impact.

Stephen: 00:08:46

We worry about the big bad wolf out there coming to get your kids, but we don't stop

Stephen: 00:08:52

to think about the little small things that are actually eating away at them.

Jessie Liew: 00:08:57

Yes, totally agree.

Jessie Liew: 00:08:59

And you're right because the phone is actually much more, it's just so mobile

Jessie Liew: 00:09:03

and it's actually so small and compact you can actually just, you just bring it

Jessie Liew: 00:09:07

even to anywhere, even to your washroom.

Stephen: 00:09:10

Yeah, I cannot tell you the number of people that have, It's become

Stephen: 00:09:14

a joke to them that they, they go to the bathroom to look at their phone.

Stephen: 00:09:17

They don't go to the bathroom to use the bathroom.

Stephen: 00:09:18

They go to look at their phone.

Stephen: 00:09:21

Yes, yes.

Stephen: 00:09:22

I know a few of them as well.

Stephen: 00:09:23

Yes.

Stephen: 00:09:24

Like why are you in there for 45 minutes?

Stephen: 00:09:26

'cause you're watching TikTok videos, right,

Stephen: 00:09:30

. Jessie Liew: Yes, totally agree.

Stephen: 00:09:31

And, and that's why that, I think it's actually very important because if that,

Stephen: 00:09:34

say we waste a generations that is all of them, or most of them, they're actually

Stephen: 00:09:39

addicted, network to the platform, then we may have, we what kind of generations

Stephen: 00:09:44

we are actually raising right now.

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They are the futures for us.

Stephen: 00:09:48

And therefore, we actually need to step up as a parent to actually help

Stephen: 00:09:52

them to regulate their screen time and actually empower them to actually use it.

Stephen: 00:09:56

Because at the end of the day, technology is just a tool.

Stephen: 00:10:00

Yeah.

Stephen: 00:10:01

And I think you mentioned earlier about how addictive technology is

Stephen: 00:10:05

and how that's by design, right?

Stephen: 00:10:07

And we can see this in other places.

Stephen: 00:10:09

I know junk food is the same way.

Stephen: 00:10:11

They, Jump food has been scientifically engineered to be addictive and people

Stephen: 00:10:16

wonder why they can't let go of it, right?

Stephen: 00:10:19

But when you look at technology, there are some benefits to the

Stephen: 00:10:24

way that it's set up, right?

Stephen: 00:10:25

For example, if you've been trying to make positive changes in your life

Stephen: 00:10:29

and you're listening to a show like this, more than likely, you found this

Stephen: 00:10:35

show because you started listening to other shows about habits and

Stephen: 00:10:39

making positive changes in your life.

Stephen: 00:10:42

And the platform went, Oh, you might this show.

Stephen: 00:10:45

And so that's probably how you found me is by that technology that is in place that

Stephen: 00:10:52

those addictive processes that they use.

Stephen: 00:10:55

It benefited you here, but.

Stephen: 00:10:57

A lot of times, those same processes aren't helping you, especially if

Stephen: 00:11:02

you find yourself going down the wrong rabbit hole, then now you

Stephen: 00:11:07

get pulled further in that way.

Stephen: 00:11:08

So that works both ways.

Stephen: 00:11:10

I always tell people, there's no such thing as good habits and bad habits.

Stephen: 00:11:13

I look at every habit on a spectrum.

Stephen: 00:11:16

And the question is, are you on the side of the spectrum that's taking

Stephen: 00:11:20

you further away from your goals, or the side of the spectrum that's

Stephen: 00:11:22

taking you further towards your goals?

Stephen: 00:11:25

Because the habit in and of itself is not inherently bad, but that's

Stephen: 00:11:30

what people tend to think of.

Stephen: 00:11:31

They think good habit, bad habit.

Stephen: 00:11:33

And I think technology is the same, right?

Stephen: 00:11:35

It's not necessarily that technology itself is bad, but if you get on the

Stephen: 00:11:40

wrong side of the spectrum, it can be bad.

Jessie Liew: 00:11:44

Yeah, I totally agree.

Jessie Liew: 00:11:46

And actually, what I find actually about fascinating about technology is when

Jessie Liew: 00:11:50

I realized, and I saw and witnessed on my second son, his name is Wei.

Jessie Liew: 00:11:56

And actually Wei likes to do drawing and he learned all his drawing on the

Jessie Liew: 00:12:01

YouTube kids and basically he learned his drawing skills and now he's doing it.

Jessie Liew: 00:12:06

Uh, as a seven year old at the time, I realized that he was drawing

Jessie Liew: 00:12:09

very beautiful Star Trek Spider Man drawing and it's just like

Jessie Liew: 00:12:13

as good as those in the comics.

Jessie Liew: 00:12:15

And I realized that, wow, if you use it in the right way, it can actually empower

Jessie Liew: 00:12:19

you to pursue things that you like, to pursue things that in line with your

Jessie Liew: 00:12:24

values and your purpose and your passion.

Stephen: 00:12:29

So I think this is actually a really good one because, I think at

Stephen: 00:12:33

this point, there couldn't be a logical choice that parents make, which is okay.

Stephen: 00:12:39

You're right.

Stephen: 00:12:40

There, there are benefits to the technology and there are drawbacks.

Stephen: 00:12:44

So the natural solution that makes this to a lot of parents, and in case you

Stephen: 00:12:49

guys are wondering, this is mistake number one, is they say, I'll just

Stephen: 00:12:54

limit and control their screen time.

Stephen: 00:13:00

I'll limit what they're looking at, I'll limit how long they get, I'll limit all

Stephen: 00:13:04

those things, and I will control what they do, and then that way I can make

Stephen: 00:13:07

sure they avoid all the negative stuff.

Stephen: 00:13:09

So, so Jessie explains to me why this is a mistake.

Stephen: 00:13:13

What's wrong with this?

Jessie Liew: 00:13:15

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:13:16

So what I actually spoken to a lot of parents and when I tried to limit and

Jessie Liew: 00:13:21

control my own child's screen time, I realized that there's actually a huge

Jessie Liew: 00:13:24

disconnect between me and her because there's a tension that she wanted

Jessie Liew: 00:13:28

more, but I wanted her to have less.

Jessie Liew: 00:13:32

And then I come to the point that I realized that because my priority

Jessie Liew: 00:13:36

for me is my connections with her is the one that I'm really prioritized

Jessie Liew: 00:13:40

the most, which means that.

Jessie Liew: 00:13:42

Connection with her is the priority for me.

Jessie Liew: 00:13:46

So I was actually thinking, how can I have the connections at, at the same

Jessie Liew: 00:13:50

time, able to get her to have an ideal or actually not too excessive screen time.

Jessie Liew: 00:13:56

And then I start to actually go into another path where I start

Jessie Liew: 00:14:00

to empower her to use the screen time, use in the right way.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:04

rather than try to control and limit.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:06

And as I actually start to work with a lot of parents, I realized that

Jessie Liew: 00:14:10

the more they control and limit, there's another drawback, which is

Jessie Liew: 00:14:14

there's no safe space communication.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:16

Your child don't trust you.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:18

You don't trust your child.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:20

And then, and because online, they actually spending a lot of

Jessie Liew: 00:14:23

time online, like you're right.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:25

If they are bullied online, if they are talking to strangers online,

Jessie Liew: 00:14:30

maybe they just stumble on something that is not appropriate for them.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:33

It could be porn, alcohol, it could be anything, drug, writer.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:38

So they may actually see something that they are not comfortable.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:42

But let's dive into if we are the child and my parents is trying to control me.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:47

Do you think this child wants to talk to the parents?

Jessie Liew: 00:14:52

No, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:14:52

So I think that come to the child's perspective, if I talk to

Jessie Liew: 00:14:56

my parents, I'll be quite school.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:58

I'll be a little bit more.

Jessie Liew: 00:14:59

I can't even have my screen time.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:02

And therefore they try to actually shield and they start to have lying.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:07

They start to, uh, they try to actually do hanky panky and sometimes because they

Jessie Liew: 00:15:12

all of their peers, because right now I think that especially if most of the

Jessie Liew: 00:15:17

countries from my understanding is that you are in the secondary school, means

Jessie Liew: 00:15:20

that you are 13 and above, 95 percent of them, they already have a smartphone.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:27

And then like the peer pressure is high.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:29

And sometimes the peer pressure will actually push them to

Jessie Liew: 00:15:32

do something that's stupid.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:33

This is a stupid thing, but I'm having the peer pressure.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:37

So I can't go to my parents.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:38

I have this bad influence.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:40

I'm stuck in between.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:41

And then the child may actually need to do, need, or just fall into the peer

Jessie Liew: 00:15:46

pressure and do some stupid stuff as well.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:49

And sometimes there are, there can be a line, a line, which means that, oh,

Jessie Liew: 00:15:52

your mom don't give you Instagram, no problem, you create account

Jessie Liew: 00:15:55

in my phone, which happens a lot.

Jessie Liew: 00:15:58

So from my clients come to me, I don't allow her to install

Jessie Liew: 00:16:01

Instagram, no problem, she install in her friend's phone.

Jessie Liew: 00:16:05

I think this is even worse, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:16:07

So I think that's one of the reasons why I think that limiting and

Jessie Liew: 00:16:10

controlling is likely the worst idea.

Jessie Liew: 00:16:12

Because yes, they need to be limited.

Jessie Liew: 00:16:14

But the way you do it, it shouldn't be like, Oh, you should have

Jessie Liew: 00:16:18

only 30 minutes of screen time.

Jessie Liew: 00:16:20

Because the more you try to limit and control, Your child actually

Jessie Liew: 00:16:24

sees it as a science resource.

Stephen: 00:16:27

Yeah, it's interesting, right?

Stephen: 00:16:28

Because when you start to restrict, what that does is it creates a

Stephen: 00:16:35

cylinder of deprivation, right?

Stephen: 00:16:36

That fumble kicks in, right?

Stephen: 00:16:38

It's that, I must be missing out on something.

Stephen: 00:16:41

And I think a lot of adults can actually maybe relate to this if you start thinking

Stephen: 00:16:47

about things like when you try to go on a diet and that diet is really strict

Stephen: 00:16:52

and it becomes difficult because you feel like you're missing out on the foods

Stephen: 00:16:56

that you want to eat or you feel like you can't go hang out with people because

Stephen: 00:16:59

there's going to be alcohol involved or you're going to be eating foods that

Stephen: 00:17:02

aren't on your diet or whatever, right?

Stephen: 00:17:05

And the more that you try to restrict yourself in those ways.

Stephen: 00:17:10

The more the temptation kicks in right and even think about as a kid or thinking

Stephen: 00:17:17

about as when I was a kid I still I maybe had four or five people around me that

Stephen: 00:17:25

would influence me in negative ways Right today you can literally have hundreds

Stephen: 00:17:31

if not thousands of people that can negatively influence him at any given time

Jessie Liew: 00:17:37

Yes, totally agree Yeah, and you're right.

Jessie Liew: 00:17:40

You are so precise about the food, even when we're not talking about restricting

Jessie Liew: 00:17:43

the swing chart, if we restrict the food, I think that all of us will deprive.

Jessie Liew: 00:17:47

And that's why those people who actually go for the dieting, most of them fail.

Stephen: 00:17:53

Yeah, not to mention the fact that it's limiting only solves

Stephen: 00:17:58

the problem temporarily, right?

Stephen: 00:18:00

It's not fixing the overall issue.

Stephen: 00:18:03

And as you said, just like when we were kids, we were pretty resourceful.

Stephen: 00:18:08

We were pretty good at getting around things that we weren't supposed to be

Stephen: 00:18:11

doing and kids today are no different.

Stephen: 00:18:15

So if you limit them at home, they're just going to find a

Stephen: 00:18:19

ways to get us somewhere else.

Stephen: 00:18:20

Whether that's a friend's phone or whatever, they're just going to find

Stephen: 00:18:23

other ways to get that fixed because.

Stephen: 00:18:27

When they go to school and all their friends are talking about whatever

Stephen: 00:18:32

TV show came on, or whatever meme got posted, or whatever, now all of

Stephen: 00:18:38

a sudden, they feel left out, right?

Stephen: 00:18:40

They don't feel like they're in, so they have to get that fixed so

Stephen: 00:18:43

they can be a part of the crowd.

Stephen: 00:18:46

Yes, totally agree.

Stephen: 00:18:50

The second mistake that a lot of people make, and guys, just so you know, this

Stephen: 00:18:55

is Just going to be three out of 20 mistakes that Jessie has lied out that

Stephen: 00:19:01

people make and I know Jessie also has a webinar Where she goes through these

Stephen: 00:19:06

20 mistakes more in depth So we're giving you the big three today But I

Stephen: 00:19:11

just wanted you to be aware that even outside of those three there are 17 more

Stephen: 00:19:16

mistakes That you might be making highly would encourage you go check that out.

Stephen: 00:19:21

And at the end of this episode, Jesse is going to give you a link

Stephen: 00:19:24

where you can go and check that out.

Stephen: 00:19:25

And it will also be in the show notes as well.

Stephen: 00:19:27

The second thing is this, what.

Stephen: 00:19:32

Excuse me, if I can talk here.

Stephen: 00:19:33

The second mistake that people are making is they try to use rules.

Stephen: 00:19:40

And I think this is a natural extension of the first mistake, right?

Stephen: 00:19:43

So you're trying to limit your child's screen time.

Stephen: 00:19:47

They resist.

Stephen: 00:19:48

They fight it.

Stephen: 00:19:49

They sneak around.

Stephen: 00:19:50

They try to do all these things.

Stephen: 00:19:52

It leads to a bunch of yelling and arguing or whatever.

Stephen: 00:19:56

And at some point, you start to feel powerless and you go, Oh.

Stephen: 00:20:01

I'm the parent.

Stephen: 00:20:02

This is what we're doing.

Stephen: 00:20:04

And you make rules.

Stephen: 00:20:06

And Jessie, explain to us why making rules does not work.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:12

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:13

So when you actually make rules, so a lot of times we actually

Jessie Liew: 00:20:16

just come, Oh, this is the rules.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:18

I'm your parent.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:19

Just follow it.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:20

And all that.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:21

So I think that it depends on your child's personality.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:25

If your child is a person who likes to follow through and

Jessie Liew: 00:20:28

he's more obedient, maybe you actually follow through the rules.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:32

But not every kid is like that.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:35

Agree?

Jessie Liew: 00:20:36

So, so when you actually put on the rule, you're actually pushing it on your child.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:40

And when you're actually pushing it on your child, do you think

Jessie Liew: 00:20:42

that they own the accountability to follow through the rules?

Stephen: 00:20:48

Probably not.

Stephen: 00:20:49

Most of them, no.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:51

So you got it, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:20:52

So you want them to hold the accountability.

Jessie Liew: 00:20:54

So when you want them to hold the accountability, you need to set,

Jessie Liew: 00:20:58

you have to hold them wide together.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:00

Like you have a clear boundaries why this is set.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:03

And this boundaries is actually set because it's for the child.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:06

Us, for you and me and for us.

Stephen: 00:21:09

Mm hmm.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:10

And then when the child realizes that, wow I have the power to

Jessie Liew: 00:21:13

contribute to this, and it's actually in my power, I want to follow through.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:19

Because at the end of the day, there's no point having the rules tell, tick

Jessie Liew: 00:21:23

tick, and asking, okay, follow through.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:24

But when your child actually cannot follow through, and refuse or resists

Jessie Liew: 00:21:29

to follow through, you want them to get them, you want them to get their buy in.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:34

Maybe some of the parents, they may disagree, you shouldn't negotiate with

Jessie Liew: 00:21:37

your child, Because I, I got that a lot as well, that you shouldn't negotiate

Jessie Liew: 00:21:41

with your child, you are the parents, you should say A, he should follow A.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:46

But that's not the parenting in this digital era works, because like they

Jessie Liew: 00:21:52

have exposure to a lot of things online.

Jessie Liew: 00:21:55

Unlike us, I think back me and you, we could be a bit like, I quite blah blah,

Jessie Liew: 00:22:00

because we don't have much exposure, and we don't have much influence.

Jessie Liew: 00:22:04

But now with the phone, with the internet, they have more exposure.

Jessie Liew: 00:22:09

They are more informed.

Jessie Liew: 00:22:10

They have more information come to their brain and they're precise.

Jessie Liew: 00:22:15

And then they may think, why should I be following you through these stupid rules?

Stephen: 00:22:21

Yeah, I think something to consider here for people

Stephen: 00:22:25

who may go, I am the parent.

Stephen: 00:22:28

They need to learn to follow the rules.

Stephen: 00:22:30

They need to learn to be obedient.

Stephen: 00:22:32

All those things, right?

Stephen: 00:22:33

I hear you.

Stephen: 00:22:34

I do.

Stephen: 00:22:36

But, It's rather interesting.

Stephen: 00:22:39

I like to bring this conversation back to other areas of health

Stephen: 00:22:43

because I think it makes it more easily for people to relate to it.

Stephen: 00:22:46

Because when we're talking about mistakes that you might be making

Stephen: 00:22:49

as a parent, it's very easy, especially with me not having kids.

Stephen: 00:22:53

I will get it a lot of times, like, you don't understand.

Stephen: 00:22:54

You can't, you're not a parent.

Stephen: 00:22:56

You're not allowed to speak.

Stephen: 00:22:57

That's right.

Stephen: 00:22:57

I get that a lot.

Stephen: 00:22:58

And at least by bringing you on, you have the authority because you are a parent.

Stephen: 00:23:02

You can actually talk about this, right?

Stephen: 00:23:04

But I think what happens is sometimes emotions get involved when we start

Stephen: 00:23:09

telling people that they might be making a mistake as a parent.

Stephen: 00:23:11

So I like to relate this out to other areas so that people

Stephen: 00:23:14

can see how this mistake might play out without the emotion.

Stephen: 00:23:19

And it's very similar to, again, going back to the idea of strict dieting.

Stephen: 00:23:26

Why is it that most people regain the weight that they lose on a diet?

Stephen: 00:23:31

It's because diets have all these rules and rules are not sustainable and when

Stephen: 00:23:37

you follow the rules, even if you're very obedient to the rules, even if you follow

Stephen: 00:23:42

that, even if you get results, what are the rules for maintaining your result?

Stephen: 00:23:47

Those are, that's completely different.

Stephen: 00:23:49

That's a different circumstance.

Stephen: 00:23:50

Even if you are to limit your child's exposure to a screen.

Stephen: 00:23:55

Even if you come up with all these rules, and even if you are one

Stephen: 00:23:58

of the lucky parents out there that your child is completely

Stephen: 00:24:06

ill, teaching them how to do it on their own, once they're away

Stephen: 00:24:09

from you, are you teaching them how to not have this issue with

Stephen: 00:24:20

the rest of them?

Stephen: 00:24:21

And I think that's where I want people to look at.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:25

Yes.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:25

And actually, I want to actually talk about on that is like

Jessie Liew: 00:24:27

when you limit and control.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:29

You use the limit and control strategy, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:24:31

That's one key success of this is you have to be there all the time.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:36

But realistically, as parents, it is very hard to be there all the time, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:24:43

Because you have so many things that you have to do.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:45

So you, when you are not there, then your child will be

Jessie Liew: 00:24:49

just addicted to the screens.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:50

You're like, good, my mom is not sure.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:53

So let's go to the screens and they will be spending 8 hours, 9

Jessie Liew: 00:24:56

hours, 10 hours, whatever it is.

Jessie Liew: 00:24:58

And that's why you need to teach them.

Jessie Liew: 00:25:01

To self regulate so that they can actually stop on their own.

Stephen: 00:25:06

And here's the thing, guys, I want to make sure

Stephen: 00:25:08

that y'all get this right.

Stephen: 00:25:09

With the first mistake, you're trying to limit their time, right?

Stephen: 00:25:12

So you're trying to control and you get pushback.

Stephen: 00:25:18

And this is going to create frustration for you, right?

Stephen: 00:25:23

So then you go to the second mistake, which is you start

Stephen: 00:25:26

to put rules in place, right?

Stephen: 00:25:28

So the first time it's more like an asking, Hey, can we put the screen away?

Stephen: 00:25:31

Whatever, right?

Stephen: 00:25:33

And now you're actually Making demands.

Stephen: 00:25:36

Now you're like, you can only use the screen two hours a day, right?

Stephen: 00:25:40

And this now creates even more pushback, more resistance, which then

Stephen: 00:25:45

creates more frustration for you.

Stephen: 00:25:49

And then, you actually have two mistakes here.

Stephen: 00:25:53

I'm going to combine these if that's okay.

Stephen: 00:25:55

So the first is that here's we'll focus on correcting the behavior.

Stephen: 00:26:02

And then the second one I think is actually like, excuse me, really

Stephen: 00:26:06

tightly connected here is that parents react to the child's misbehavior.

Stephen: 00:26:13

And, and I'm combining those because I think what happens sometimes is people

Stephen: 00:26:18

will focus on correcting the behavior.

Stephen: 00:26:22

And if we're trying to correct the behavior, then that means

Stephen: 00:26:27

that we think the behavior is bad and therefore it's misbehavior.

Stephen: 00:26:32

And now parents are getting more frustrated and now they're raising their

Stephen: 00:26:35

voice and they're yelling and then guys I want you to stop and think here for

Stephen: 00:26:39

a second and Jesse I might be stealing your answer here But you are actually

Stephen: 00:26:46

now teaching your child a whole new set of skills That are probably even worse

Stephen: 00:26:52

than the screen time, which is how to not handle conflict management Right.

Stephen: 00:26:58

So other than that, is there anything else about focusing on correcting

Stephen: 00:27:03

behavior that you see as a mistake?

Stephen: 00:27:05

Why is that a mistake for people?

Jessie Liew: 00:27:08

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:08

So when you correct the behavior, it's not that we do not need

Jessie Liew: 00:27:11

to correct the behavior.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:12

So I want to actually make like disclaimer.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:14

It's not that we do not need to correct the behavior, but when our focus starts

Jessie Liew: 00:27:18

to correct their behavior, we will start to tell them that you're wrong.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:23

You have the problems.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:24

And then.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:25

your child, let's dive into the child situation right now and his position, he

Jessie Liew: 00:27:31

will feel like, Oh, so I have the problem.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:33

And, and anyone who is being criticized, what will be the

Jessie Liew: 00:27:37

likelihood that he will listen to you?

Jessie Liew: 00:27:39

It will be in the denial or defiance mode.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:42

And I can actually say that like his rule of defense starts to go

Stephen: 00:27:47

up.

Stephen: 00:27:47

And

Jessie Liew: 00:27:47

literally what you tell him that is wrong, it's not

Jessie Liew: 00:27:51

going to reach him because his rule of defense is like so high.

Jessie Liew: 00:27:55

Right?

Jessie Liew: 00:27:55

So, in order for us to get them to listen and understand why is this a problem,

Stephen: 00:28:04

we

Jessie Liew: 00:28:04

need to calm ourselves down.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:07

Literally, actually, most of the people were there, I need to correct

Jessie Liew: 00:28:10

the child, I need to fix the child.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:11

But actually, most of the time, I need to control myself first.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:16

So that I can respond because when, of course, when as a parent, when we see our

Jessie Liew: 00:28:20

child misbehave, of course, we are angry.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:22

Of course, we are disappointed.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:24

Of course, we feel like maybe there's a lot of shame and guilt into that, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:28:28

We have all that.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:29

And I have, I'm being a parent.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:31

I have that too.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:32

Yeah, all of us had that.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:35

But when we actually act from that position, we reacted.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:41

And with the reactions, when you shout, yell, your child's defense

Jessie Liew: 00:28:46

system, the wall is actually as high, it's higher than him.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:49

He's not listening to you.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:50

And you also learn to yell and And that's really what he learns.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:56

And that's not something that we want to happen.

Jessie Liew: 00:28:58

And that's why we need to work on ourselves, calm down ourselves first, so

Jessie Liew: 00:29:03

that we can respond to the misbehavior.

Jessie Liew: 00:29:05

And when the child is calm now, and he felt that, I'm being heard, I am

Jessie Liew: 00:29:11

being understood, and I'm being heard.

Jessie Liew: 00:29:13

Then, he would want to listen to you.

Jessie Liew: 00:29:15

What is your opinion as well?

Stephen: 00:29:18

Yeah, so what you're really saying is, yes, we want to correct the

Stephen: 00:29:21

behavior, but when we start trying to do it from a place of authority, when we're

Stephen: 00:29:27

limiting, we're controlling, we're setting rules, and we're really focused on how

Stephen: 00:29:34

do I correct the behavior, and then we're reacting to What we see is disobedience.

Stephen: 00:29:42

What we're doing is we're creating a really negative loop, where as the parent

Stephen: 00:29:47

we're gonna be frustrated, but at the same time You are mentally affecting

Stephen: 00:29:54

the child because now they're being constantly told that they're stupid,

Stephen: 00:29:58

that they're making mistakes, and that may not be the words you're using, but

Stephen: 00:30:00

that's what they're hearing, right?

Stephen: 00:30:02

And that can really lower their self worth, their self confidence.

Stephen: 00:30:07

It can really have an impact on them, and then guess what?

Stephen: 00:30:10

If you are telling them, stop doing this, this is wrong, you shouldn't be

Stephen: 00:30:17

doing this, and you're making them feel bad, you're making them Remember, there

Stephen: 00:30:23

are literally billions of dollars being spent on making this stuff addictive.

Stephen: 00:30:27

It's not just as simple as, hey, turn off your screen, right?

Stephen: 00:30:31

It's, you're basically making someone who has a billion dollar industry fighting

Stephen: 00:30:36

for their attention feel bad about their inability to put down the phone.

Stephen: 00:30:40

And, what do you think is gonna happen when you do that, guys?

Stephen: 00:30:46

You're, they're going to go to that technology, they're gonna find ways

Stephen: 00:30:50

to go get it, Because guess what?

Stephen: 00:30:52

When they post a picture on Instagram, or they post a video on TikTok, or whatever,

Stephen: 00:30:57

they are going to get likes and comments, and it's going to make them feel better.

Stephen: 00:31:03

So if at home I'm being yelled at, being told to stop doing something, online

Stephen: 00:31:09

I'm being praised and applauded, where do you think they're going to turn?

Jessie Liew: 00:31:16

The technology lead.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:17

The technology obviously.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:18

And that's why you want them to feel that this is a place that

Jessie Liew: 00:31:22

they are being appreciated, they are seen, they are loved.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:25

And therefore, they want to, actually most of us, we want something in real life.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:30

We are not long in something in the virtual world, because it's not

Jessie Liew: 00:31:33

something that you can touch at home.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:35

Right?

Jessie Liew: 00:31:36

So for a child, it's actually the same.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:38

I bet that most of the child, they all want the connections with the parents.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:41

They want to be hugged.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:42

They want to be praised.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:43

They want to be told that they are enough.

Jessie Liew: 00:31:47

And when they feel there's enough and they are praised, and then it's actually

Jessie Liew: 00:31:52

easy to get them back so that they not continue to be addicted to the script.

Stephen: 00:31:57

And I think you pointed out earlier, even as adults,

Stephen: 00:32:01

we tend to spend a lot of time on devices or on social media.

Stephen: 00:32:06

We're looking at news stories, we're watching YouTube videos, whatever, right?

Stephen: 00:32:11

And it can be very easy to get caught up in that world yourself.

Stephen: 00:32:18

And now you're, and then you're modeling these behaviors.

Stephen: 00:32:21

But, I know that's something you talk about a lot.

Stephen: 00:32:24

A little bit more in depth on your webinar and things like that.

Stephen: 00:32:27

So we won't give away everything here.

Stephen: 00:32:29

When you start to look at this, I think a little bit of empathy towards your

Stephen: 00:32:35

child goes a long ways and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I feel

Stephen: 00:32:39

if you can understand why this is a difficult thing for your child to

Stephen: 00:32:43

break free from by maybe looking at your own behaviors and realizing that

Stephen: 00:32:47

it's not even easy for you to do it.

Stephen: 00:32:49

And you can stop looking at this as.

Stephen: 00:32:53

a mistake that your child is making and stop focusing on correcting that

Stephen: 00:32:58

behavior like we just talked about and instead start to understand

Stephen: 00:33:02

what it is that your child needs.

Stephen: 00:33:04

Start to get in tune with what they actually are missing out on that

Stephen: 00:33:09

social media is giving them and then find ways to give that to them.

Stephen: 00:33:12

That's really what the solution is here, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:33:15

Yes, absolutely.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:16

Because like sometimes why the kids they are addicted, they are

Jessie Liew: 00:33:19

actually looking for some something.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:22

could be something that to fulfill their connections.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:25

Perhaps they don't have the connections back at home, but in the world

Jessie Liew: 00:33:29

travel, everybody is praising him.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:30

Oh, you're so good.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:31

You're so beautiful.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:32

It feels good, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:33:33

And our dopamine start to kick in.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:35

And then, of course, they're looking for connection.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:37

They're looking for approval.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:40

And they're also looking for some acknowledgement or maybe accomplishment.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:44

That's why the gaming, a lot of kids, they are actually tied to

Jessie Liew: 00:33:47

the gaming because all this gaming actually give them accomplishment.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:50

Okay, I like Oh!

Jessie Liew: 00:33:51

I got how many goals, I got how many levels, I have achieved how many,

Jessie Liew: 00:33:56

uh, reward from the game itself.

Jessie Liew: 00:33:59

So you need to actually realize that, hey, actually all these are

Jessie Liew: 00:34:02

actually coming into the picture.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:03

And sometimes when we actually have empathy, we realize that

Jessie Liew: 00:34:05

it's actually not the gaming.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:07

It is actually not the gaming.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:09

It's something that your child is lacking.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:11

And it's something that he needs.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:13

And your job is actually to, Understand and look at it and see

Jessie Liew: 00:34:18

how you can actually meet that needs so that he do not need to come to

Jessie Liew: 00:34:22

the games to fulfill that need.

Stephen: 00:34:24

Yeah, and I think so much of that really is understanding

Stephen: 00:34:30

that, again, going back to what we talked about earlier, these things

Stephen: 00:34:33

are not inherently bad, right?

Stephen: 00:34:36

There's no problem with your kid playing games.

Stephen: 00:34:39

The problem is when the game becomes more important to them than

Stephen: 00:34:45

everything else, and that's happening because something is missing.

Stephen: 00:34:50

That game is giving them something that they don't think they're

Stephen: 00:34:52

getting from somewhere else.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:54

Yes, absolutely.

Jessie Liew: 00:34:56

And then bearing in mind that for Charles, it's very, Because they are

Jessie Liew: 00:34:59

still discovering their own identity.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:01

They do not have the focus and attention.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:03

You are already 45.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:04

You have your purpose.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:05

You mentioned some of your things that about the spiritual, emotional, mental.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:10

So you are actually very clear about that.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:12

But for a child, they are just beginning of their journey.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:15

They have no idea what is emotional, spiritual, mental, physical and all that.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:20

They are still discovering their own identity.

Jessie Liew: 00:35:23

And that's where it is actually very hard for them to pull back from these devices.

Stephen: 00:35:29

So

Jessie Liew: 00:35:29

I think that it's really about helping them to discovering who they

Stephen: 00:35:33

are,

Jessie Liew: 00:35:34

acknowledging them so that they can actually use that elegy to pursue

Jessie Liew: 00:35:38

what they are actually passionate about.

Stephen: 00:35:42

Yeah, I, I teach a concept when it comes to getting

Stephen: 00:35:47

healthy, like physically healthy.

Stephen: 00:35:50

So when we talk about things like diet and exercise and sleep and

Stephen: 00:35:54

stress management and all that kind of stuff, people, I find, have a

Stephen: 00:36:00

tendency to do some of the exact same mistakes that they're making with

Stephen: 00:36:04

their child's screen time right there.

Stephen: 00:36:05

They try to limit their access to certain stuff, they create rules,

Stephen: 00:36:09

they beat themselves up, especially a lot of my guys out there are mentally

Stephen: 00:36:14

beating themselves up inside every time they do something stupid or that they,

Stephen: 00:36:18

something they view stupid, right?

Stephen: 00:36:19

Let me clarify that, but it's like, Oh, I'm so lazy.

Stephen: 00:36:22

I skipped my workout today, or so stupid because I stopped for fast food

Stephen: 00:36:27

instead of eating my food I had at home.

Stephen: 00:36:29

And they say negative things to themselves and they do all this stuff.

Stephen: 00:36:33

And.

Stephen: 00:36:35

What's happening is they're creating this identity for themselves.

Stephen: 00:36:40

And if you can have this happen in people who are already 30s, 40s, 50s, even 60s.

Stephen: 00:36:48

I see this where people are literally changing their identity through

Stephen: 00:36:53

their thoughts and their words.

Stephen: 00:36:55

Imagine what this is like for someone who doesn't even know who

Stephen: 00:36:58

they are in the first place yet.

Stephen: 00:37:01

That's crazy, right?

Jessie Liew: 00:37:03

Yes, and that's why they are very easily distracted,

Jessie Liew: 00:37:06

like their focus and attention, because they do not have a goal.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:09

You already know what is your goal for your mental, spiritual,

Jessie Liew: 00:37:12

physical and your life purpose.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:14

You already have it, so you already plan it down and you know

Jessie Liew: 00:37:17

what is your focus and attention.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:18

But for a child, I'm still discovering myself.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:21

Yeah, I don't have a life purpose.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:23

I have no idea what I want.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:25

And then, and that's where all the platform, the YouTube, the TikTok,

Jessie Liew: 00:37:29

Instagram, it's actually just pull them away into the rabbit hole and

Jessie Liew: 00:37:33

then they no idea what they want.

Jessie Liew: 00:37:35

'cause they are just saying, oh, it seems to be good to be

Jessie Liew: 00:37:38

like that, but when will it be?

Jessie Liew: 00:37:40

Is that what you want?

Jessie Liew: 00:37:41

Yeah.

Stephen: 00:37:43

They not real.

Stephen: 00:37:44

Yeah, they're, that's what other people told them they should be.

Stephen: 00:37:47

Right.

Stephen: 00:37:48

And that's something that I feel like a lot of people, what they end up doing

Stephen: 00:37:52

when they're depriving themselves of stuff and they have this restrictive mindset, a

Stephen: 00:37:57

couple of things, number one is it makes you want things that much more because

Stephen: 00:38:05

when, as one of my mentors taught me, and I say this a lot, is all behaviors

Stephen: 00:38:11

are an attempt to solve a problem, right?

Stephen: 00:38:14

And when we start restricting, restricting ourself, what we're

Stephen: 00:38:18

really doing is we're taking away the solution to a problem, and we're

Stephen: 00:38:24

not replacing it with a new solution.

Stephen: 00:38:28

And when we do that, we now are trying to fight against something that we want

Stephen: 00:38:35

to do, something that makes us feel good.

Stephen: 00:38:36

We're taking that away from ourselves.

Stephen: 00:38:38

We're having to use all this willpower.

Stephen: 00:38:40

And you're actually now having to deal with the actual problem

Stephen: 00:38:43

that thing was solving for you.

Stephen: 00:38:45

And it's this double whammy.

Stephen: 00:38:48

And guys, think about how hard that might be for you as an adult to deal with.

Stephen: 00:38:55

And then again, going back to imagine your child who is still trying to

Stephen: 00:38:59

figure out who they are in the world.

Stephen: 00:39:00

And I think Eva, I could take this a step further for a lot of

Stephen: 00:39:04

the fathers out there right now.

Stephen: 00:39:06

And think about the things that you do at work, that you do as a

Stephen: 00:39:10

father, that you do as a husband.

Stephen: 00:39:12

Not because they're necessarily who you want to be, but because that's

Stephen: 00:39:16

what society's told you to be.

Stephen: 00:39:18

That's what other men in your life told you that you're supposed to do.

Stephen: 00:39:22

Those are rules that you're filling in a way that is not

Stephen: 00:39:27

necessarily authentic to you, but they're what society has told you.

Stephen: 00:39:30

And think about how those are not creating happiness for you.

Stephen: 00:39:33

And this is why I think a lot of men are walking around right now.

Stephen: 00:39:37

They've got great jobs.

Stephen: 00:39:38

They've got wonderful families.

Stephen: 00:39:41

And still and yet, they feel like they're missing something.

Stephen: 00:39:43

They feel like something is missing in their life that they

Stephen: 00:39:45

don't have a deeper purpose.

Stephen: 00:39:47

And that's because you're not living your authentic self.

Stephen: 00:39:51

You're living other people's version of your life.

Stephen: 00:39:54

And that's what's happening to children when they're not getting their needs met

Stephen: 00:40:01

and they're turning to technology and they end up living other people's perception

Stephen: 00:40:07

of what their life is supposed to be instead of being authentic to themselves.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:12

Yes, 100 percent agree.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:13

And actually, I must actually say this is true.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:16

'cause when you actually mention it, I, I can actually

Jessie Liew: 00:40:18

reflect 'cause that it was me.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:19

I was actually having good career in cybersecurity.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:22

I have all the things that the society tell me.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:25

I have all the tick, tick, tick, but I was actually depressed inside.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:29

Then I realized that it's actually something is wrong with me or

Jessie Liew: 00:40:33

something for, with like the perception that I must meet.

Jessie Liew: 00:40:37

And then that's where I start to begin my personal relevant journey and I

Jessie Liew: 00:40:41

start to discover more about myself and living my life authentically.

Stephen: 00:40:46

Yeah, that's why in my coaching program, the first thing that

Stephen: 00:40:50

we always focus on is your vision.

Stephen: 00:40:52

Right?

Stephen: 00:40:52

Creating a vision for who you want to actually be.

Stephen: 00:40:57

Right?

Stephen: 00:40:57

Because most of us, we're not living authentically.

Stephen: 00:41:02

We're not living to be what we want to be.

Stephen: 00:41:05

We've been living by other people's rules for so long that

Stephen: 00:41:09

we don't even know what we want.

Stephen: 00:41:10

And so that's the first thing I always work with people on is getting

Stephen: 00:41:13

clear on who do you want to become?

Stephen: 00:41:15

What do you want your life to look like?

Stephen: 00:41:17

Not what do you think your life should look like, but what do you

Stephen: 00:41:20

actually want it to look like?

Stephen: 00:41:22

And I think that's something that you can apply to your children here and start to

Stephen: 00:41:27

help them understand the person that they want to become and let them be able to see

Stephen: 00:41:31

that they don't have to be this person.

Stephen: 00:41:34

That everyone else expects them to be.

Jessie Liew: 00:41:37

Yes, and I see, I think that you also cover

Jessie Liew: 00:41:39

one of the mistakes as well.

Jessie Liew: 00:41:41

They continue to use the same parenting style that our parents are parenting us.

Jessie Liew: 00:41:45

And they just use, continue to use the same parenting

Jessie Liew: 00:41:48

belief that was passed down.

Jessie Liew: 00:41:50

And actually, this parenting beliefs may not be your own parenting beliefs.

Jessie Liew: 00:41:54

It's just that the culture told you that you must meet this in order

Jessie Liew: 00:41:57

to be, uh, bring so called you fame or to not, how do I say it?

Jessie Liew: 00:42:04

Not respecting your legacies or something like that.

Jessie Liew: 00:42:07

Yeah, it's something that we actually need to actually honor our characters to

Jessie Liew: 00:42:11

become who they are, rather than trying to pass down and bring our parenting beliefs

Jessie Liew: 00:42:15

and actually try to push on to them.

Jessie Liew: 00:42:18

Which in turn, they, it's not who they want to be and they

Jessie Liew: 00:42:21

just turn into the technology.

Stephen: 00:42:25

Yeah, because we're always going to turn to the thing

Stephen: 00:42:28

that's going to give us what we need in the simplest way, right?

Stephen: 00:42:31

It doesn't matter if that thing is good for us or not.

Stephen: 00:42:35

We are always going to look for the simplest solution because just by nature,

Stephen: 00:42:41

if you have your problem, you want to solve it as fast as possible, right?

Stephen: 00:42:44

And so we turn to the quickest thing.

Stephen: 00:42:47

It's like when you're tired.

Stephen: 00:42:49

What do you do?

Stephen: 00:42:49

You reach for caffeine and you reach for sugar.

Stephen: 00:42:51

Why?

Stephen: 00:42:52

Because they instant energy boost.

Stephen: 00:42:54

No one says to themself, I'm so tired.

Stephen: 00:42:58

Let me go and get some lean protein, some good digesting carbs.

Stephen: 00:43:03

Nobody does that.

Stephen: 00:43:05

It would make sense.

Stephen: 00:43:06

It's the most logical thing to do in terms of what's the healthiest thing.

Stephen: 00:43:11

But we don't do that.

Stephen: 00:43:12

We reach for candy bars and sodas and coffee.

Stephen: 00:43:15

Because why?

Stephen: 00:43:17

It doesn't matter if those things are healthy for us or not.

Stephen: 00:43:19

They give us energy and that's what we need.

Stephen: 00:43:21

And that's why children are really turning to technology so much.

Stephen: 00:43:26

It's just giving them what they need and it's giving it to them instantaneously.

Stephen: 00:43:30

Yes, absolutely.

Stephen: 00:43:33

So Jesse, if someone's out there right now and they're listening and they're

Stephen: 00:43:36

thinking, Yes, I'm making these mistakes.

Stephen: 00:43:42

And I see what you're saying about helping my child kinda start to

Stephen: 00:43:46

develop their identity and, and be able to connect with them better

Stephen: 00:43:49

and, and fulfilling their needs.

Stephen: 00:43:51

But I don't know where to start.

Stephen: 00:43:52

I'm lost right now.

Stephen: 00:43:53

I, I hear what you're saying, but I don't know how to do that.

Stephen: 00:43:57

Uh, I'm thinking your webinar is probably gonna be the best

Stephen: 00:43:59

place for them to do that.

Stephen: 00:44:01

So how do they download this list of 20 mistakes they might be making as

Stephen: 00:44:05

well as get access to the webinar?

Jessie Liew: 00:44:08

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:08

So basically the webinar is actually called 20 painful mistakes that

Jessie Liew: 00:44:11

parents regret making in their child's screen time and how to avoid them.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:16

You can actually go to this link bit.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:17

ly slash screen time mistake.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:22

Okay.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:22

So it's bit.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:23

ly slash screen time mistakes.

Stephen: 00:44:26

Screen time mistakes.

Stephen: 00:44:27

Okay.

Stephen: 00:44:28

And I will put that in the show notes for people as well.

Stephen: 00:44:30

Just that way they can just click on it.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:33

Sure.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:33

Thank you so much.

Stephen: 00:44:35

And if people just want to get a hold of you for anything in general,

Stephen: 00:44:37

or they just want to maybe follow you, what's the best way for them to do that?

Jessie Liew: 00:44:42

They can actually follow me on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:45

I'm actually more active on Facebook and LinkedIn.

Jessie Liew: 00:44:48

So they can actually find me at Jesse Liu, S P J E S I E L I E W and S and P.

Stephen: 00:44:55

Alright.

Stephen: 00:44:56

Thank you so much for coming today.

Stephen: 00:44:58

Do you have any final thoughts or anything that maybe we didn't talk about today

Stephen: 00:45:02

that you want to leave people with?

Jessie Liew: 00:45:06

Yes, I think I recover actually quite a lot and I really

Jessie Liew: 00:45:09

encourage parents to actually go and actually listen to the web.

Jessie Liew: 00:45:12

To the webinar, because those parents who actually come to limit and control

Jessie Liew: 00:45:16

the screen time, they realize that it's getting harder and harder when

Jessie Liew: 00:45:20

their child turning to teenager.

Jessie Liew: 00:45:21

And by, I think, 13, 14, 15, it's going to be hard.

Jessie Liew: 00:45:25

And by 15, most of them, they felt that they are literally losing that.

Jessie Liew: 00:45:29

So please start doing these changes before when they are young, and

Jessie Liew: 00:45:33

not only to want to do this when they are much older, like 17, 18.

Jessie Liew: 00:45:38

Yeah,

Stephen: 00:45:40

and I'll just add from something that I've taken from this today is

Stephen: 00:45:46

I feel like for a lot of parents.

Stephen: 00:45:49

As you said, one of those mistakes is focusing on correcting the

Stephen: 00:45:51

behavior, and so this can very much become about limiting screen time.

Stephen: 00:45:55

How do I get my kid off the screen?

Stephen: 00:45:58

But, through our conversation today, what I've really seen is that this

Stephen: 00:46:02

isn't about limiting screen time per se.

Stephen: 00:46:04

That's the process, right?

Stephen: 00:46:07

That's what we're doing, but what this is really about is allowing you as a

Stephen: 00:46:10

parent to better connect with your child.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:15

Yes, absolutely.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:16

And then you actually discover that they actually use the technology responsibly.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:22

They actually use it because they are empowered.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:24

They know that they have the power and they have to use

Jessie Liew: 00:46:26

the technology responsibly.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:28

And they're actually able to stay safe online.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:30

And the best part is they also have the safe space communications.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:33

So I remember I just interviewed one of my students, Sarah.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:37

And she was actually sharing, she actually joined the program when she became really

Jessie Liew: 00:46:40

desperate, like when she saw her nine year old child was sneaking at midnight

Jessie Liew: 00:46:45

to play computer games, and when she actually go through the computer, she

Jessie Liew: 00:46:49

realized that she was searching for porn, and it just got her freaked out,

Jessie Liew: 00:46:52

and she was just really into everything.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:55

that I saved.

Jessie Liew: 00:46:56

So, but right, I, I think the child able to do it, the, use the text responsibly.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:02

She actually fulfilled her basic responsibility first,

Jessie Liew: 00:47:04

before the computer games.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:06

She used it mindfully, and she actually recognized that on

Jessie Liew: 00:47:10

the game, it's not always fun.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:12

When it's actually not fun anymore, it's actually time to get, get out.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:15

And she recognized that.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:17

And this is a child which is more conscious.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:19

And then the best part is when she shared that.

Jessie Liew: 00:47:22

A child actually shared with her that actually I was surfing the phone and

Jessie Liew: 00:47:26

then that and the conversation is actually close and it's actually a very

Jessie Liew: 00:47:29

beautiful conversations that the child was feeling safe who shared that in

Jessie Liew: 00:47:34

the past I have been doing something wrong and that the relationship actually

Jessie Liew: 00:47:38

becomes more deeper, deeper connection.

Stephen: 00:47:42

Yeah, I imagine that's probably a very uncomfortable

Stephen: 00:47:46

conversation for a parent to have, but at the same time, I can only

Stephen: 00:47:50

imagine how good that would feel to.

Stephen: 00:47:52

Know that you have such a relationship with your child that they feel

Stephen: 00:47:57

comfortable even coming to you and admitting something like that.

Stephen: 00:48:01

It's a really cool story.

Jessie Liew: 00:48:03

Yes, I love that story very much as well.

Stephen: 00:48:05

Awesome.

Stephen: 00:48:06

Jessie, thank you so much for coming again.

Stephen: 00:48:08

Guys, again, I highly encourage, I'll put the links in the show notes, but

Stephen: 00:48:11

download that PDF, The 20 Painful Mistakes That Parents Regret Making

Stephen: 00:48:16

With Their Children's Screen Time.

Stephen: 00:48:19

You can sign up for the webinar as well, and also feel free to connect

Stephen: 00:48:24

with and follow Jesse on social media.

Stephen: 00:48:27

We won't give you any rules for how much time you're allowed to spend following

Stephen: 00:48:30

Jesse because that would be a mistake.

Stephen: 00:48:32

You can self regulate.

Stephen: 00:48:33

But guys, as always, I want to remind you that while none of us are born

Stephen: 00:48:38

unshakable, we can all become unshakable.

Intro: 00:48:44

Thank you for listening to the Unshakable Habits podcast

Intro: 00:48:47

with Coach Stephen Bucks.

Intro: 00:48:49

Be sure to hit the subscribe button and help us spread the word by

Intro: 00:48:52

sharing the podcast with other men.

Intro: 00:48:55

If you're ready to create Unshakable Habits, you can learn more and

Intro: 00:48:59

connect with us at unshakablehabits.

Intro: 00:49:01

com.

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