Do you frequently say yes when you'd rather have said no? Are you caught up in the cycle of people pleasing to avoid confrontation or for fear of upsetting someone? In our latest podcast episode, we take a deep dive into the modern phenomenon of people pleasing and its impact on life and work. In this episode, we're going straight into the people pleasing pattern, why we have it and how we can move on from it
Understanding this pattern is crucial. It's not just about making others happy or keeping the peace; beneath the surface lies a complex web of low self-esteem, fear of confrontation and ingrained cultural or familial biases. You're my latest podcast episode, I share example of Steven, a high achiever who struggled with saying no. I helped him peel back the layers and discovered that his people-pleasing was a strategy to avoid confrontation. His pattern of people pleasing or what is often termed, fawning’, was draining him. By understanding that it was a (subconscious) strategy to avoid conflict, it kept happening. We he realised most ‘no’s don't equal confrontation, then things could change.
The key is to recognise your neurological state - are you in flow, fight, flight or freeze mode? Instead of succumbing to a flight response, adopt a problem-solving mindset. Challenge the belief that saying no equals confrontation and acknowledge the layers of past biases that may be influencing your behaviour. Combine this with challenging your own beliefs and fears, you can start to have a different response.
Consider shifting your attitude to a present-focused approach and let go of old patterns. Your value is immense and the narrative of low self-worth can be challenged and rewritten. Own your achievements, no matter how small, and start investing in your own self-worth bank.
Remember that being true to yourself doesn't mean upsetting others. You can say no graciously and authentically, making room for your needs while maintaining healthy relationships.
If these insights resonate with you, or if you have specific questions about overcoming people pleasing, please leave a comment or contact us. Let's break free from the unhelpful pattern of people pleasing and embrace a life of authenticity and empowerment.
Get in touch with Sal
If this episode has caught your attention and you wish to learn more, then please contact me. I offer a free 20 min call where we can discuss a challenge your facing and how I may be able to help you
Welcome to Mindset, mood and Movement, a systemic approach to human
2
:behavior, performance, and wellbeing.
3
:How psychological, emotional, and
physical health are all connected.
4
:In this episode, I'll be sharing
my knowledge and experience to help
5
:you overcome a challenge that you
might be facing in life health.
6
:All work.
7
:Sal: Do you find yourself saying yes
to things when you'd rather say no?
8
:Do you find yourself doing things to
make people happy, to please them,
9
:when actually you don't really want
to do it, but you feel compelled to?
10
:Okay, well, people pleasing is a modern
phenomenon and it's widespread and it
11
:can be a serious problem and it can
really degrade your life and your work.
12
:So in today's episode, I'm going
to talk about this, about the kind
13
:of the how, the what and the why,
and how do we deal with this stuff?
14
:But first we need to understand
it as with any problem.
15
:It's so tempting in our culture to get
rid of the problem, solve it, band aid it.
16
:That is not helpful.
17
:We want to understand why.
18
:Why do we have this pattern?
19
:Why do we do this behavior?
20
:What does it serve?
21
:Where does it come from?
22
:Because if we don't understand its origin
and its usefulness, then generally we're
23
:gonna probably cycle back to that pattern.
24
:So people pleasing.
25
:On the surface it can sound lovely.
26
:You know, you're making people happy,
um, not rocking the boat, keeping things
27
:all smooth, those kind of statements.
28
:They are all Let's just say they're
all things we can say to ourselves
29
:that basically confirm why we do it.
30
:The real reason we do it is for, let's
say, some more heavyweight reasons.
31
:It's low self worth, kind of fear, fear
of rejection, lack of assertiveness,
32
:perhaps not wanting to fit in.
33
:All these kind of things.
34
:So, let me, let me take you
through this a little more.
35
:I worked with a guy, uh, a little while
back, uh, Stephen, so we'll alias him,
36
:but Stephen, Stephen was a super guy,
really nice, just had a huge network of
37
:people, really successful, hard worker.
38
:But Stephen was a people pleaser,
and we were doing some work on,
39
:uh, his performance, uh, both, you
know, as a person and in his work.
40
:And the, the pattern was coming
up, it was clear to me, and my job
41
:was to help it become clear to him.
42
:So we got into it, and, uh, what?
43
:Got into the point of why do you
say yes when really you want to say
44
:no to to events to things going on?
45
:He on the surface gave me an answer,
which was like, oh, I just you know,
46
:I Yeah, I'd like to keep people happy,
you know I'm a people person all this
47
:stuff, but actually when we drilled
down and got underneath him whilst that
48
:was true to some degree What he really
was doing was avoiding confrontation
49
:What he didn't want to say to someone
is like, no, I don't want to do that.
50
:Or I can't make that or that's not
going to happen because that would be
51
:alias to I am confronting this person.
52
:Now while that's not actually true,
saying no to somebody is simply saying no.
53
:The belief of this is a confrontation
about to happen is often what goes
54
:on in the people pleasing mindset.
55
:So, if this is going on for you, then
it might be a fear of confrontation.
56
:What does it mean to stand up
57
:for
58
:Sal: yourself?
59
:And we've got to cycle this back.
60
:Early experience normally is where
these, these formations lie in our
61
:experience of, in our brain, literally,
in our body, in our psyche, about
62
:what it means to be in confrontation.
63
:And the problem we have
is that if we think of...
64
:Every time we say no to someone,
that equals confrontation.
65
:The people pleasing pattern will slip
in, and there you'll be, saying yes to
66
:everything, even though you don't want to.
67
:But nothing is all, so it
may not be confrontation.
68
:It might simply be, Oh, no thanks, that's
a great invitation, but I can't make that.
69
:Or, No, my workload's too
busy, I can't take that on.
70
:And that actually
becomes about discussion.
71
:So we have to be very careful of not
understanding these sub patterns.
72
:So that's number one.
73
:So Stephen's work was really to
understand people pleasing was a
74
:strategy to avoid confrontation.
75
:When we realised that most
no's don't equal confrontation,
76
:then things could change.
77
:But there was one more layer to this and
it was also about he didn't like people
78
:getting upset with him He didn't want
to see someone hurt or upset and again,
79
:there's there's there's a there's a very
human loveliness to that But who says
80
:you're going to upset someone by being
truthful or saying what you need to say?
81
:There's a way to do it, but if you
start to believe that I'll upset
82
:them, there's another layer to this.
83
:It's because it's my fault
was Stephen's problem.
84
:He has on this negative belief
that if someone was upset, he
85
:would be the cause of the upset.
86
:And hence, don't want to upset
anybody, get people pleasing.
87
:So keeping an eye on this.
88
:Avoiding confrontation, finger of a blame
pointing at you to being upsetting people.
89
:This is normally built on our
early childhood experience.
90
:So we need to get up to date.
91
:How you communicate with people.
92
:How you understand that
you can say yes and no.
93
:But separating out the fact
that if someone gets upset,
94
:they get upset perhaps.
95
:But be careful of not assuming
that's always going to happen.
96
:Because it probably isn't.
97
:And then there's some space.
98
:So rather than people pleasing,
you can be really kind and generous
99
:and yet really clear with people.
100
:And that's a beautiful way to be.
101
:So
102
:Sal: that's one level.
103
:Now you might have heard of fawning.
104
:Fawning, uh, fawn like a baby deer is,
um, a term that's used now, as with a lot
105
:of terms, to describe complex behaviours,
but fawning is another one where it's
106
:really another term of people pleasing.
107
:What I think is interesting when we, when
we look at this angle, is really what
108
:we're saying is, I'm getting triggered
into a threat response so I'd rather
109
:say yes and I'd rather people please
and I'd rather do what other people
110
:want because they're more important
but that's because you feel a threat
111
:so we're getting triggered so we have
a neurological response fight or flight
112
:if it's fawning you're going into flight
you are wanting to get away from the
113
:problem and most of this is happening
below consciousness so we're not overtly
114
:thinking about this it's all very subtle
in our mind body system but you're being
115
:triggered You feel there's a threat.
116
:And
117
:Sal: of course, if you have a
high bias to flight response, you
118
:want to get away from the problem.
119
:And then if we think of our beautiful
form being chased through the woods
120
:by a predator, you know, that's scary.
121
:We don't want to spend
our life being chased.
122
:So if we're always in a flight
response, there's also the beautiful.
123
:Seemingly the beginning pattern
of people pleasing to avoid him.
124
:That works occasionally, but most
of the time it's maladaptive.
125
:Because what people pleasing does
is you're just avoiding the issue.
126
:Which is another flight response.
127
:So to solve that way of dealing
with potential challenges...
128
:It's about moving towards the
problem, A, a fight response.
129
:So not actually fighting, but
moving towards the problem.
130
:And this is a very different thing.
131
:So if you're asked to do something
and you don't want to do it, and
132
:you're getting triggered and you
think you're gonna form the whole
133
:thing out, oh, you're making excuses.
134
:Notice you're being in,
pushing into a flight response.
135
:Pause, breathe, feel your body.
136
:Notice that you probably are more
capable than you believe, and
137
:you can move toward that problem.
138
:which means you can find ways
and strategies to solve it.
139
:That immediately starts to
dissolve this fawning pattern.
140
:People pleasing as the strategy
will probably drop away because
141
:instead of people pleasing,
you'll be problem solving.
142
:So it becomes quite an elegant shift.
143
:And I know many people listen to my
podcast and many people that I coach are
144
:highly intelligent and very skillful.
145
:So if you can adopt the problem
solving behavioural stance, then
146
:you, by default, already transition,
shift out of people pleasing.
147
:So this is a really,
really, really big one.
148
:I've pushed this a lot because
when we don't understand our
149
:neurological state, we do patterns.
150
:Know your neurological state.
151
:Fight, Flight, or Flow or
Freeze, whichever one you're in,
152
:then you can work differently.
153
:So there's a really important one.
154
:And, and finally, it's, there
are other layers to this.
155
:So there's cultural layers, there's
family layers, depending on how you've
156
:been brought up in the world and what
kind of families you've been brought in.
157
:There are all sorts of learnings
that we've learned that mean it's
158
:not okay to speak up, or you have
to be subservient to another.
159
:And these are, these are, these can be
difficult, but recognize that perhaps
160
:they may also be past biased, which
means if you were brought up in a
161
:particular culture or family which said
you couldn't speak up and you had to
162
:always do what everyone else said, then
if you're an adult and if you're in the
163
:perhaps hopefully the free world where
you can be who you are, notice that
164
:that shadow doesn't want to be chasing
you down the road and all shadows.
165
:are just an absence of light.
166
:So bring light to your awareness
that you can make choices now.
167
:And catch operating from the
version of you are today.
168
:Notice that fight response
and flight response.
169
:But then come into the present.
170
:You know, be a, be a present person.
171
:And if those old past patterns are
still there, notice them gently.
172
:But realize that past lives in the past.
173
:It can only become present
when you bring it forward.
174
:So simple, not easy.
175
:As all this work I do is, is it's
often simplicity, which is elegance,
176
:but it doesn't mean it's easy.
177
:So with that conscious shift,
you can also let go of perhaps
178
:those cultural family biases.
179
:And last thing I want to say
is You know, low self worth is
180
:cited in people pleasing a lot.
181
:We don't feel good about ourselves.
182
:Um, I'm not good enough.
183
:Any of these kind of statements,
if you say them, it's kind of in
184
:there, it's the self, it's the low
self worth trigger point, you want
185
:to look at that, but is it true?
186
:You know, I find it fascinating that
we, including myself, have all these
187
:beliefs, which run our life, and we
sometimes don't stop and go, hang
188
:on a minute, is that actually true?
189
:And then you can start to almost like
I do, I kind of laugh at that belief.
190
:It's simply not true.
191
:I've done loads of great things.
192
:I've got a friendship group.
193
:I've got successful business.
194
:I'm a great parent.
195
:Whatever it is you are skillful and
good at, then we can start to challenge
196
:the I'm not good enough narrative,
which is also low self worth and
197
:start to find worth, find value.
198
:Look for where you have value.
199
:Guarantee you have plenty, but where you
put your attention is where it will show.
200
:So look at where you have value,
wherever you're doing well in your life.
201
:And it could be small stuff.
202
:You might think, Oh, you know, I'm,
I'm only a parent, which I would say
203
:is a huge job to bring up a child.
204
:It's an incredible job to do that.
205
:Well, Oh, I run a small
business, but you run a business.
206
:Look at where you have value and
own it because low self worth
207
:again can be a trick of the mind.
208
:It can be.
209
:Archaeology from the past.
210
:It could be someone else's stuff.
211
:Build the bank of you by knowing your
value, by looking at where you're doing
212
:well and even the small pieces, you
know, collect them up and aggregate them.
213
:Hey, that's what saving is about, right?
214
:So I hope these, uh, some, some
of the overarching points for
215
:people pleasing have been able to
be insightful, get you thinking.
216
:Get you freed up from it and maybe if
you're, if there's some area that I
217
:haven't touched on that you think, Oh,
you know, people pleasing and really
218
:think sounds kind of got my point,
reach out, you know, drop me a question
219
:because there are so many nuances in,
but the themes of this, looking at, um,
220
:Not wanting to upset people, looking
at the subtle belief of you think it's
221
:your fault, looking at that flight
response and trying to get away from the
222
:problem and looking at low self worth.
223
:These cover almost all of the
expressions of people pleasing.
224
:So then you can go around being
authentic and you can be lovely as
225
:a person and you can still say no.
226
:You can be a really effective
human being and you can turn down
227
:things without upsetting anyone.
228
:So people pleasing is
then starts to drop away.
229
:So let me know how you get on.
230
:As always, you can reach
out to me via my website.
231
:Drop me a message via email on
the, on the, on the contact page.
232
:You can contact me on the
socials, which if you're seeing
233
:this on, drop me a comment.
234
:Um, it's a big one.
235
:And I really hope that
this is helpful for you.
236
:So, um, please, uh, be
pleased, but not please others.
237
:Okay.
238
:I'll talk to you on the next one.
239
:Take care.
240
:Thank you so much for listening.
241
:If you enjoyed the
episode, please subscribe.
242
:And if a friend would benefit from hearing
this, do send it on to them as well.
243
:If you would like to get in touch
yourself, then you can go to my website.
244
:Which is Sal Jeffries dot com,
spelt S A L J E F F E R I E S.
245
:Sal Jeffries dot com.
246
:Hit the get in touch link and there
you can send me a direct message.
247
:If you'd like to go one step further
and learn whether coaching can help
248
:you overcome a challenge or a block
in your life, then do reach out and
249
:I offer a call where we can discuss
how this may be able to help you.
250
:Until the next time, take care.