For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs introduces a simple but powerful framework designed to help you interrupt anger before it turns into an explosion. Instead of trying to calm down after an outburst has already started, you’ll learn how to recognise the early warning signs of anger and use a practical four-step process to change what happens next.

If you’ve ever felt like anger takes over too quickly, or that you remember coping strategies only after it’s too late, this episode offers a clear and practical solution you can start using immediately.

Key Takeaways:

-Most people try to manage anger after they’ve already reacted. The real power lies in recognising the moment when anger is rising, not when it has already exploded.

-The STOP Model gives you a structured way to create space between trigger and reaction.

-Your anger rarely goes from zero to 100 instantly. There is almost always a window where change is possible.

-Practicing these skills during low-stress situations helps build automatic responses when high-stress moments arise.

-Small physical reminders (notes, cards, visual cues) can reinforce new habits.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you’d like support controlling your anger and breaking long-standing patterns:

-Visit: https://angersecrets.com

-Book a free 30-minute phone call

-Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

You know that moment right before you lose it, when you can feel the anger building, your jaw tightening, and you know you're about to say something you'll regret.

In these situations, most people think the answer is just to count to 10 or take some deep breaths.

But here's the by the time you remember to do that, you're probably already yelling and it's just too late.

In today's podcast episode, I'm going to teach you a tool that works before you lose control.

It's called the Stop Model, and it gives you some vital time in any situation to completely change what happens next.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dewes, and For the last 30 years I've taught more than 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help with your anger, visit angussecrets.com for a free 30 minute phone call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

But first, let's talk about ang how to actually stop anger in the moment, not after you've already blown up to begin with.

Here's what most people get wrong about managing anger.

They wait until they're already furious and then they try to calm down.

That's like waiting until your car is already off the cliff before hitting the brakes.

The model I want to talk about today works differently.

It catches you in that split second when you feel the anger rising but haven't acted on it yet.

That moment when your teenager rolls their eyes at you or your partner says that thing they always say, and you feel your chest tighten.

That's your window and it's bigger than you think.

So what does stop actually mean?

Stop is an acronym.

S stands for stop.

Literally, just stop.

Freeze.

Don't speak.

Don't move.

Don't finish that sentence you were about to yell.

I know this sounds too simple, but a dad I worked with recently told me this.

One step changed everything for him.

He said.

I realized I didn't have to keep talking just because I'd started.

Think about it.

How many times have you said something in anger and thought, why did I say that?

You kept going because stopping felt impossible.

But it's not.

You can stop mid sentence.

You can stop mid gesture.

You just stop.

Stop is like hitting pause on a movie.

The scene doesn't disappear.

It's still there, but you're not watching it unfold in real time anymore.

Next.

T stands for take a breath.

Once you've stopped.

Take a breath.

Not a shallow chest breath, a real one deep into your belly.

Maybe two or three.

Here's why this when you're angry, your body goes into fight or flight mode.

Your heart's racing, Your muscles are tense.

You're ready to attack or defend.

Taking a deep breath activates your parasympathetic nervous system.

That's the part of your body that says, hey, we're okay.

We're not being chased by a lion.

This isn't about feeling calm and peaceful.

It's about creating just enough space between the trigger and your reaction so you don't do something you regret.

I tell clients to practice this when they're not angry.

Take deep breaths in traffic.

Take deep breaths when you're mildly annoyed by something small.

Build the muscle so it's there when you really need it.

Thirdly, O stands for observe.

Now you're going to do something most people skip entirely.

You're going to notice what's actually happening inside.

You ask, what am I feeling right now?

What thought just ran through my head?

Where do I feel this anger in my body?

My chest?

My jaw?

My shoulders?

And here's the Observe without judgment.

You're not trying to talk yourself out of being angry.

You're not saying, I shouldn't feel this way.

You're just noticing, like you're watching clouds pass by.

A woman I coached used to get furious when her husband didn't help with the dishes.

When she started observing her thoughts, she realized it wasn't really about the dishes.

The thought running through her head was, he doesn't respect my time.

That's what she was actually angry about.

Once you see the real trigger, you can address it.

But if you just react, you end up yelling about dishes when the real issue is something completely different.

And finally, P stands for Proceed mindfully.

The last step is to decide what to do next and notice.

I said decide, not react.

Ask yourself, what's the most useful response right now?

Maybe it's saying calmly, I need to talk about something that's bothering me.

Maybe it's saying nothing at all and walking away for five minutes.

Maybe it's realizing this conversation needs to happen later, when you're both calmer.

Here's what I tell every Reacting with anger is never the most useful response.

It doesn't solve the problem.

It doesn't make you feel better.

It just damages the relationship.

So choose something different.

Something aligned with who you actually want to be peaceful, respectful, in control.

Now I know what you're thinking.

This sounds great, Alistair but in the moment, I'm not going to remember.

Four steps.

You're right.

Not at first.

That's why you need to practice this in low stakes situations.

Use the Stop model when you're annoyed in traffic, when your phone freezes, when someone cuts in front of you in line.

These small frustrations are your training ground.

You build the habit there.

And when the big moment comes when your kid is screaming or your partner is criticizing you, your brain already knows what to do.

One client told me he put sticky notes with the word stop on his car dashboard, his computer monitor, and his bathroom mirror.

Every time he saw one, it reminded him.

It sounds silly, but it worked.

Another simple trick?

Carry a card in your wallet with the four steps written down.

Physical reminders help your brain create new patterns.

And here's a powerful truth about don't go from 0 to 100 in one instant.

There's always a moment, and usually quite a few moments between the trigger and the explosion.

Most people blow right past that moment.

They don't even know it exists.

But now you do.

And that window is where your power lives.

Stop.

Take a breath.

Observe.

Proceed.

Four steps.

That's all it takes to choose a different outcome.

Now, if you've been trying to control your anger on your own and it's not working, you don't have to keep struggling.

I've spent 30 years helping people break free from anger patterns that felt impossible to change.

And I can help you too.

Go to angersecrets.com right now and schedule a free 30 minute phone call with me.

We'll talk about what's really going on with your anger and create a clear path forward.

Or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

It's packed with tools you can use immediately.

The Stop model is powerful, but it's just one piece of the puzzle.

If you're serious about changing how you handle anger, visit angersecrets.com and let's talk.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.