The affair ended, but your body didn't get the memo.

A text at night. A phone turned face down. A song on the radio. A white bikini at the pool. After infidelity, the nervous system goes hypervigilant, and suddenly anything can reactivate the pain. In this episode, Hasani and Danielle get raw and real about triggers — why they happen, why they're not a choice, and why healing them is a journey couples have to take together.

What we cover:

• What a trigger actually is — and why it's about what the moment represents, not the moment itself
• PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder) and its four expressions: intrusion, hypervigilance, emotional numbing, and arousal/reactivity
• Why "I was triggered" can't become a permanent excuse — and where personal responsibility comes in
• The role of the unfaithful spouse: full transparency, patience, and becoming "a student" of your partner
• Practical grounding tools and the "create a new memory" strategy for anniversary dates

The questions we answer:

1. "Every time his phone buzzes, my stomach drops. How do I stop reacting to a sound?"
2. "The affair anniversary is coming and I'm already spiraling. How do I get through dates that haunt me?" (call-in from Victoria)
3. "When I get triggered, my husband sighs like I'm being dramatic. How do I explain a trigger isn't a choice?"

Timestamps:

• 00:00 — Cold open: the boiling water analogy
• 01:13 — What triggers really are after infidelity
• 02:46 — PISD and its four expressions
• 04:20 — Q1: "Every time his phone buzzes, my stomach drops"
• 11:13 — Q2: Surviving the affair anniversary and haunting dates
• 22:10 — Q3: "My husband sighs like I'm being dramatic"
• 23:58 — Becoming a student of your spouse
• 25:40 — How we can help: the private marriage intensive

📖 Mentioned: Triggered by Betrayal — a roadmap for couples to understand triggers and rebuild trust.

Got a question you want answered on the show? Drop it in the comments — we pull next week's questions from there.

If this hit home, subscribe so you never miss an episode. You can also catch us on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Ready for more than a video? We created the 3, 4, and 5-day private marriage intensives to walk you through personal healing and marital restoration. Book a free consultation → https://couplesacademy.org/

How Do I Stop Getting Triggered After My Spouse's Affair? - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MKq5fHcrRo

Transcript:

(00:17) It's almost   like Charlie Brown. They pour scalding boiling  hot water on your back and you're like, "Ow,   ow. Why did you do that?" And the person's  just like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I I was   just a joke. I thought I didn't know it  was going to burn you. And you're like,   I'm burned.

(01:13) After infidelity, emotional triggers   become very real. The betrayal destroys trust  and completely obliterates your sense of safety.   A trigger is anything that suddenly reactivates  the pain connected to your betrayal. It could   be something small, a text that you receive  at night, right? Or you turning your phone   face down during the day. Maybe it it's that you  changed your password, right? With no reason.

(02:01) " The trigger may be not about the   lateness at all. It may represent the dishonesty  that came with the lateness in the past. If they   guard their phone, it may not be about the  phone. It could be that him guarding or her   guarding the phone represents hidden behavior and  a lack of disclosure. And if they become distant,   it may not be about them being quiet all the time.

(02:46) "  The term that gets more and more recognition   around this is called PISD. Post infidelity stress  disorder. And there are three expressions of PISD.   The first one, and the one that you experience  probably the most, is intrusion. This is when you   reexperience the affair. You replay details in the  mind like a movie.

(03:22) Number three is  constriction or emotional numbing where the hurt   person just shuts down emotionally, avoiding  intimacy or approaching sex with vigilance and   numbness, not wanting to talk about the affair and  disconnecting to protect themselves. And then the   fourth, which is arousal and reactivity. And this  is where you're just irritable and you're anxious   and your sleep is disrupted and you panic suddenly  and you become emotional and there's outbursts.

(04:09) If this sounds familiar  to you, the answer is really becoming aware   and understanding what's happening to you. And so  I want you to consider what we're about to talk   about as we answer these upcoming questions. Let's  get into it. Great teaching, Danielle. Wow. Okay,   let's let's dive into these questions. Here's  the first one. Every time his phone buzzes, my   stomach drops. How do I stop reacting to a sound?  Oh my goodness.

(04:55) And their job is to remind you of everything   that is potentially dangerous, right? And so  after someone experiences infidelity, that   trauma switch turns on and now everything becomes  potentially threatening. In this person's case,   they were cheated on. And so the phone represents  the potential of some invasion, right? So, every   time she hears the buzz or every time she hears  this person get a text in the middle of the night,   her stomach is dropping.

(05:52) What  happens is that one spouse is having triggers and   the other spouse has no understanding about  what's going on and so they think that the   person is just not getting over it. Right? And so  one thing that would really support this person   is that the spouse would say, "Look, babe, here,  let here's my phone, you know, open up the phone,   give her access to every moment that she needs  so that she's not feeling like something is being   kept from her.

(06:44) In   psychology, there's a lot of things that people  do to get grounded. They sound simple, but they   really do work. You know people they will grab  something right they will feel themselves in the   seat okay they will breathe through the trigger  they will do self-t talk there's a lot of other   exercises that you can do but for me um I think  the thing that works the best is when you have two   people that understand what triggers are and how  they affect the brain and all the different phases   that you can go through. They're totally aware of  it and they're ready for it like a team. You know,

(07:30) Yeah,   it it's interesting because we're talking about  these phones and how they're triggers. And the   fact of the matter is this phone in and of itself  is not a trigger. If I'm in an environment with   20 people and everybody's phone buzzes, I'm  not triggered by that. I'm triggered by my   spouse's phone. Right.

(08:15) And so this is why   it's important that we have to re- uh associate,  redefine, re-evaluate what the phone actually is   and what the relationship that the spouse has with  that phone. And as long as we can do that, we will   get to the point where I'm no longer triggered  by the buzz.

(08:51) And a a  former unfaithful spouse has to understand that   and be patient in that process. I and I also think  that the uh the hurt partner needs to work on   emotional intelligence and the unfaithful partner  has to work on openness and honesty. You know, you   said it's not about the phone. It really isn't. It  could be anything.

(09:32) Right? And so what what   happened is that she began to get aggressive. She  became aggressive and started mumbling and saying   things and had to control herself. And this is why  emotional intelligence is important because yes,   you're triggered, but you have to know that you're  triggered and you have to have the emotional   intelligence to know that you can't become  aggressive with a perfect stranger who happens   to be the catalyst of your trigger.

(10:20) I can  now cut up act up say what I want to do what   I want to do because I'm triggered right? I hear  that all the time. Well I was triggered so I did   this and that and the third. At what point do you  take responsibility over your responses? Right?   So there's a lot to this. The phone is just  one thing, right, that she's asking or he's   asking about.

(10:55) So, at the end of the day, um, we teach   how to get a grip on your triggers, and it's  really important. And most people don't know how   to do that because nobody's told them that it's  their responsibility, right? They're triggered   now. And so this is the state that you've accepted  being in as opposed to understanding that if I   don't get a grip on these triggers, this is how  I'm going to experience the rest of my life.

(11:36) How do I get through dates  that haunt me? Oh man, this right here, Danielle,   this is something that every single couple has  has got to experience or has experienced. And   unfortunately, many of them have not handled it  well. It's not just about the the anniversary of   the day that it actually happened. So July 4th,  2024 happened to me and now here we are a year   later and boom. It's not just about the day.  Yes, the day is a problem.

(12:18) And in that countdown,  I'm already becoming angry and enraged or saddened   and depressed. I'm not in my normal natural  self. I've lost myself. I detach myself from me,   from God, from my spouse. I don't I don't have a  lease for life. I don't want to be around anyone.   So often times people are shifted emotionally out  of a healthy space into a very unhealthy space   and struggle through that process. But then comes  the day. That's a horrible day within itself.

(13:05) They're thinking about what you did the previous  year, which was a celebration, which was a great   trip, which was a rekindling, a renewing of the  vow, something to anchor yourself into that has   a healthy foundation. I Everything that you said  is exactly what it needs to be. Um, when I was 15,   I walked into a convenience store with my friend  and the store owner basically starts screaming   at the top of his lungs, "Get out. Get out. Get  out.

(13:55) That's the experience  that every person that has experienced infidelity   feels when it comes to locations and dates on the  calendar and experiences that associate with the   affair. they feel that level of trauma, that level  of energy and anger, anger and anxiety and stress,   right? And so, to your point, right, like I I had  to leave in that moment.

(14:42) They don't understand what's the big deal,   right? She's not even here. He's not even here.  It's just a restaurant. It's just a park. It's   just a hotel. It's just the street the hotel  was on. It's just a beach. it's just the date,   but it's not just the date. It's associated with  one of the most catastrophic traumatic experiences   that that spouse has ever had.

(15:36) sit there in that mall and do it for 10 minutes  and then stretch it to 20 minutes to an hour to   two hours, you know, until it no longer triggers  you. And that's one really strong thing that   couples can do together, right? If it's the beach,  you're never going to go to a beach again or are   you going to go to a new beach and create a  new experience for yourself and spend time   at that beach as much time as you can handle?  The triggers may come. Let's not minimize that.

(16:24) No, investigate   the trigger. What can you do to overcome the  trigger? And that is the together work that   needs to happen. I think the way I'm answering  this question, because you did an excellent answer   uh job answering it on that side of it, is the  unfaithful spouse needs to really become engaged   in supporting their spouse recover from those  triggers.

(17:21) not physically going through, but actually I am  physically going through because of an emotional   uh mental struggle that I'm having. If I don't  have the support or understanding of a spouse,   it feels very isolating and makes my journey  of healing a lot more challenging and longer in   the process.

(18:02) " And you're   like, "I'm burned." And you're like, "Oh, I'm so  sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to burn you."   And you're like, "Let me get myself together." And  you and you get yourself together and you you're   thinking, "They're so stupid.

(18:35) Imagine   that person that burned you with the water saying,  "When are you going to be done with these boils?   Could you hurry up? Oh my god, you need help now?  I need to help you stand up and sit down. Oh,   when are you going to start complaining? Or, ew,  those boils that I burned you are are oozing.   Yuck, bro. You burned me. Now I'm the problem.

(19:27) They're not only doing physical work,   dealing with the spouse that hurt them every day,  still showing up as a spouse. But the mental and   emotional is is traumatic. what they're going  through on the inside and having to do it mostly   on their own. I I have never, now I've read a lot  of books and watched a lot of videos on triggers,   but I've never heard an analogy as raw and  as real as what you just shared.

(20:14) And then you get mad   at them because they're mad at you because  of what you did to them. Yeah. Yeah. And you   know it's it's it's based on personalities too  because you know different personalities handle   um their own issues differently, right? like if  I messed up really bad. Some personalities really   struggle to deal with their own fault, you know,  faults and failures.

(20:51) But you've got   to get to the point like if you don't know how  to own your stuff, if you don't know how to show   up with empathy, if you don't know how to support,  nobody's ever shown that to you, so you don't have   it to give. All the more while you need to get  into some counseling. Yeah. To learn that where   somebody is coaching you every day.

(21:30) So, come on   and join the family, hit that subscribe button and  then if you have any questions, place them in the   comments section. We're always looking for great  topics in order to talk about on a new episode   of Marriage Intervention Podcast. Hey, before we  get into our final question, quick heads up.

(22:10) Make sure you subscribe so you never miss   a show. Let's get back into it. Okay. And and  that actually leads to the final question here.   Um I got to read this. When I get triggered, my  husband sigh like I'm being dramatic. How do I   explain a trigger isn't a choice. I mean, we just  talked about it. Yeah. It's not a choice. It's   it's it's something that happens in the brain.

(22:56) It could be what happened   when you were a child. Seeing abusive parents  fight um that could really trigger people. A   lot of people that can't tolerate uh screaming and  yelling. You know, when you get married, you don't   sit, you don't usually talk about how what are  the rules for arguing? Are we allowed to yell?   Can we call each other names? Right? You usually  find that out in the marriage.

(23:32) It's not the person's fault, but it is their fault   if they constantly stay in a place in a reactive  space that dictates their life and their future.   But they're not doing this to the partner. this is  happening to them actually. And what I would say   to to piggyback on what you're saying and answer  the question, the unfaithful spouse has to become   a student. We talk about become a student of your  spouse.

(24:24) They need to get that book because  there's so many people who are ignorant and we   can no longer use trigger. We can no longer use  ignorance as an excuse. Like it seems like the   betrayed spouse has a PhD level understanding  of the trigger because they're experiencing   it every single day. But the unfaithful has a  GED, you know, in terms of understanding. And   so there needs to be a comprehensive unpacking  because you cannot have empathy for what you   do not understand. And ignorance is one of the  things that causes a wedge between a couple.

(25:15) This is one of those topics that I   think people need to watch again and again and  again and again. And I would encourage you if   you're watching right now with your spouse, sit  down and have a conversation after this show and   get the book triggered by betrayal. This is  this could be a road map and it is actually   a road map for couples to actually understand  what's happening and to rebuild trust through   the triggers. Absolutely.

(26:01) That's why we created the three, four,   and 5day private marriage intensive that walks  you through a journey of personal healing and   marital restoration. So, if you're interested in  finding out more, please click on the link in the   description. Let's set up a free consultation  to see how we can be a help to your marriage.