For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

In this episode, anger expert Alastair Duhs shares five practical ways to respond when someone else's anger is directed at you. Whether it's a partner who explodes, a colleague who unloads or a family member who pushes your buttons, how you respond in those moments matters more than you might think.

Rather than fighting back or shutting down, Alastair explains how staying calm, using empathy and setting clear boundaries can completely change the dynamic, without accepting blame or tolerating abuse.

Key Takeaways:

1. You staying calm is the most powerful thing in the room. Responding with your own anger only escalates the situation. Managing your nervous system first changes everything.
2. Most of the time, someone else's anger isn't really about you. Recognising this creates distance from the heat and prevents unnecessary conflict.
3. Anger is usually just the surface. Underneath it is almost always something softer - hurt, fear, or feeling unheard. Empathy shifts the conversation faster than any argument.
4. Boundaries aren't threats. A calm, clear statement of what you will and won't accept creates more safety in a relationship, not less.
5. If what you're experiencing crosses into abuse, verbal, emotional, or physical, these tips aren't enough. Real support is needed, and your safety always comes first.

Resources & Next Steps:

If you'd like support handling anger, yours or someone else's, and building calmer, more loving relationships:

1. Visit: angersecrets.com
2. Book a free 30-minute phone call
3. Access the free training on "Breaking The Anger Cycle"

Someone in your life is angry.

Maybe it's your partner, their voice is raised, their words are hurtful, and maybe they're blaming you for something you didn't do.

Or maybe it's a colleague, a family member, or just a random person who just unloads on you.

In that moment, you might freeze, or you may fight back, or you may shut down completely.

Either way, you walk away feeling drained, rattled, and wondering, why does this keep happening?

And why can't I handle it better?

Today, I'm going to give you five practical ways to respond to someone else's anger without losing yourself in the process.

Hello and welcome to the Anger Secrets podcast.

I'm Alistair Dewes, and for over 30 years, I helped more than 15,000 men and women control their anger, master their emotions, and build calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

If you'd like my help to do the same, head over to angersecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call with me or grab my free training on how to break the anger cycle.

But first, let's talk about what to do when someone else is becoming angry towards you.

Firstly, remember that keeping control of your anger, no matter how anyone else is acting towards you, is always the most powerful thing you can do.

I know that when someone comes at you with anger, everything in you wants to react.

Your nervous system fires up, your defenses go online, and before you know it, you're either fighting back or or completely shutting down.

Unfortunately, however, neither option helps.

The single most effective thing you can do in that moment is stay calm.

Not passive, but calm.

And there's a difference.

As you know, responding with your own anger is like pouring fuel on a fire.

It gives the other person more to react to, which means the conversation escalates and by the end, nobody even remembers what started it.

Staying calm, on the other hand, creates a different dynamic.

It's hard for someone to sustain rage when the person across from them isn't feeding it.

That doesn't mean standing there taking abuse.

It means managing your own nervous system.

First, a few slow breaths.

A deliberate pause before you speak.

A conscious decision not to match their energy.

When you do that, you stay in control of the one thing you actually can control, yourself.

This is the foundation that everything else is built on.

So before we go any further, if you take nothing else from today, take Staying calm is always the most powerful thing you can do.

Secondly, know that it's usually not really about you.

Now here's something that shifts everything once you really get it.

Most of the time, when someone is angry at you, it isn't actually about you.

I know that's hard to believe when your partner is standing in front of you shouting or pointing fingers.

But think about it.

Maybe they had a terrible day.

Maybe the kids were difficult.

Maybe work was a disaster.

Maybe they're exhausted and overwhelmed and you're the safe person, the one they unload on.

This is something I see constantly in my coaching work.

A partner vents, the other person takes it personally, gets defensive, and suddenly a rough day has turned into a full argument.

Nobody wins.

And the real issue, the stress, the exhaustion, or the feeling of not coping never gets addressed.

When you can remind yourself this is their stuff, not a verdict on me, you get a little distance from the heat.

You stop defending yourself against something that wasn't really an attack to begin with.

And often, if you just let them vent without rising to it, they calm down fairly quickly.

And then you can have an actual conversation about what's going on.

This doesn't mean accepting blame you don't deserve.

It means not taking the bait.

Next, remember to look underneath the anger.

Closely connected to that is showing empathy.

And this might surprise you.

When someone is angry, what you're usually seeing is the surface.

Underneath that anger is almost always something softer.

Hurt, fear, loneliness, Feeling unheard or feeling powerless.

Anger is often just the loudest way those feelings come out.

When you can get curious about what's underneath instead of reacting to what's on the surface, something shifts in the conversation.

A woman I worked with recently was stuck in a cycle with her husband.

He'd get angry, she'd get defensive.

Things would spiral.

When she started responding to the emotion beneath his anger rather than the anger itself, everything changed.

Instead of arguing back, she'd say something.

It sounds like you're feeling really unappreciated right now.

Is that what's going on?

His whole body language would change because she'd named what he actually felt.

That's empathy in action.

And no, it doesn't mean you agree with how they're behaving.

It means you're willing to look a little deeper than the noise.

Fourthly, know your boundaries and state them clearly.

None of what I've said so far means you tolerate anything and everything.

You're allowed to have limits.

In fact, having clear limits is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for the relationship.

A boundary isn't a threat or an ultimatum.

It's a calm, clear statement of what you will and won't accept.

Something I'm happy to talk about this but not while you're yelling.

When you're ready to speak calmly, I'm here.

Then you follow through.

You remove yourself if you need to.

The key is saying it without heat, without matching the other person's aggression.

When you can set a limit calmly and mean it, it lands completely differently than if you say it while you're already escalated.

This takes practice.

Most of my clients feel uncomfortable setting limits at first.

It can feel confrontational even when it's not.

But over time, clear limits actually create more safety in a relationship, not less.

Both people know where they stand.

The guessing stops.

And finally, I want to pause here for something important.

Everything I've talked about today assumes we're dealing with normal human frustration, the kind that's difficult but manageable.

But sometimes what someone calls anger is actually abuse.

And that's a different situation entirely.

Verbal abuse includes name calling, threats and constant criticism.

Emotional abuse includes manipulation, gaslighting, and isolation.

Physical abuse includes physical aggression of any kind.

And if you're experiencing any of that, the tips I've shared today aren't enough on their own.

You need real support from a professional, a trusted person in your life, or a support service.

It is never okay for someone to express their anger towards you in a way that harms you.

That line is clear.

And if you're on the wrong side of it, please reach out for help.

Your safety is always the top priority in these situations.

Okay, so five things to hold onto.

Stay calm because your nervous system sets the tone.

Don't take it personally, because most of the time it's not really about you.

Use empathy to look beneath the anger.

Set clear boundaries without heat.

And if what you're dealing with crosses into abuse, seek support.

Don't try to manage it alone.

These aren't just ideas, they're skills, and they get easier with repetition.

And if you'd like my help working through any of this, Visit me@AngerSecrets.com you can book a free 30 minute call or start with the free training on how to break the anger cycle.

Everything's there waiting for you.

And if you're getting value from this podcast, I'd love it if you left a rating and review on your favorite podcast app.

Every review helps someone else struggling with anger to find this podcast and hopefully begin their anger management journey.

It takes about a minute and helps me a lot.

And remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

Thanks for listening.

Take care.

The Anger Secrets podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.