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Father Wounds
Episode 725th May 2022 • The Lorin Krenn Podcast • Lorin Krenn
00:00:00 00:33:57

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Our relationships with our parents has the biggest impact on our intimate relationships. Lorin understands first-hand the experiences of working through his father wounds. It comes up a lot in his individual coaching and group work, and affects both men and women.

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Transcripts

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Recently, I've posted a Reel about the Fatah wounds.

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And a lot of people have asked for an in-depth podcast episode about it,

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how this wound impacts both women and.

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And there are a lot of similarities.

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However, there are certain core differences in how this wound

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expresses itself in a woman's intimate life and in a man's intimate life.

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Today, we will go very, very deep and the focus of this episode is that right after

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listening, you can start your healing journey today, so that this wound no

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longer sabotages you're intimate life.

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My name is Lorin Krenn and I am the host of this podcast.

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My mission is to help people utilize the power of masculine and feminine polarity

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to experience deep and healthy intimacy.

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Let's drop in

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The father wound.

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That's a big one.

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One that is very dear to my heart.

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As you might already know, my father died early my life due to colon cancer.

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I know firsthand the experience of going for the depths of working for my

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immensely challenging father wounds.

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And this is also one of the most common themes I encounter in my coaching

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practice and in the workshops, the programs and the groups I teach.

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And this makes perfect sense.

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Because the relationship to our parents has an enormous impact, the biggest

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impact in our intimate life later on.

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And in this context, if the relationship to your father, but you're a woman

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or a man was in any way, traumatizing or wound that's, then there's a

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hundred percent guarantee that that is going to show up in your intimately.

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Let's start by talking about the reasons why it is warm is

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even created in the first place.

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And then I will talk in depth about how you can start your healing journey.

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Now, please know, before I talk about these M these reasons why it's, why you

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have a father wounds, there could be so almost infinite reasons for this.

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I will talk about the most common ones.

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Otherwise this podcast episode will be too long.

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Number one is your father has died early in your life, either due to

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an illness or due to an accident.

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Suddenly you no longer had your father figure.

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It felt as if you were losing the ground underneath your feet, especially

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when it was an accident, which means it's ripped away out of the blue.

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Reason number two, your father was emotionally unavailable.

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This could mean that his heart was very closed and he was unable

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to express his own emotions.

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He was not hugging you a lot, not showing you a lot of affection or he didn't know

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what to do with your emotional experience.

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Growing up with the sadness and pain, you felt the times he didn't

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know how to hold space for that.

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Now reason number three is that your father projected

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his insecurities onto you.

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His unlived potential and dreams.

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Now this one very, very often expresses itself in the relationship

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between father and son, taking on the father, sort of family business.

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Become a lawyer, become a doctor, become this, but of course it also

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expresses itself in the relationship between father and daughter, a form

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of conditional love that says I love and support you if you do this.

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But I won't love and support you as much if you do what you really want, and

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what you choose from your heart to do.

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Now, reason number four, your father cheat that's on your mother.

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And this could have expressed itself in many ways, either they continued staying

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together and there was a lot of turmoil, a lot of arguments or your father cheated

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or left because of any reasons came back again or left forever, and your mother

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started talking bad about your father.

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Talking that he's not a good person, that the reason why everyone is so unhappy

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or she's so unhappy is because of him.

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You are kind of ingrained from an early age on/ because he will see

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your father is your first encounter with masculine energy, with masculine

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energy in general, with masculinity.

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And if you early on hear words that your father is a cheater, he's a bad

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person, he cannot, he could not keep any promises or, or you saw your father

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acting in a dishonoring way towards your mother, not keeping his promises, not

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showing up in a secret mass could in way, then chances are extremely high that

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you have a wounded relationship to the masculine and therefore a father wound.

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Now, there could be many more reasons, but these tend to be the most common ones.

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Now, just before I talk in depth about how you can start your healing

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journey, the first steps to be.

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I want to share a little bit about it with my own journey of working through

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my father wounds, as this will help you or help some of youm and lead into

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what's the first foundational step in order to start your healing journey.

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My father died of colon cancer in a three year battle, um, against it.

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And each year I saw him getting thinner and weaker, until he

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eventually died in my arms.

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I was holding his hand and he was looking in my eyes.

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And for the first time telling me, I love you as, as, as he died.

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And I've gone from the depths of working for these wounds.

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Now I'm very grateful for everything that has happened.

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Um, I see it as a blessing that this has happened because this

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wound was by far one of the most challenging or the most challenging

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thing I ever had to face in my life.

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It took every cell in my body, every fiber of my soul to work through the intensity

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of this trauma and this wounding.

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But what I want, the reason why I'm sharing this is because I'm telling you

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at the other side of healing through this, is, is, is something unbelievable.

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Something so magical, a version of yourself that feels immensely

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safe and secure in your own body.

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And now I'm going to share about this in a second why is this so crucial.

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Now, what happened when, especially the more ill my father became and the more

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emotionally unavailable thereby he became, of course, because all his energy went

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into healing and trying to overcome this illness, the more unsafe and less secure

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I felt inside myself, inside my body.

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Everyone who suffers from the father wound in any shape or form feels

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unsafe and feels a lack of security and trust inside their own body.

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And this is the very, very first thing to focus on.

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You cannot really heal or work on these wounds if you do not start there.

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This is the very foundation.

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Because ultimately, ultimately the deepest level, what our father teaches

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us is this deep sense of security and safety and trust in our own body.

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You see, if a father has done the deep work and feels secure and safe

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in his own body, then he's presence becomes so immensely healing.

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And as a woman or as a man, as a child, you pick this up, you feel

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this, and you'll take this on.

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It gives you an immense trust in your life.

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A trust in your body, uh, a safety inside yourself.

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And this is invaluable.

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This is invaluable in every single area of your life, and especially in your

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intimate relationships, because for instance, it couldn't be any easier to

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fall into toxic and dysfunctional dynamics in your intimate life, if you don't

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feel safe and secure in your own body.

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Now, this is the same from men and women.

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I will go, and.

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I will go into the, into the key core differences in just a second.

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But when you suffer from the father wound in any shape or form, you feel

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unsafe and this lack of security and trust in your own body and a way to

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describe this experience is this is my, this was my subjective experience of

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how this feels is a feeling of almost living outside of your body, being numbed

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out, disassociated from your own body.

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Almost like living in another place, but not inside your body.

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Because my own body did not feel safe.

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There was so much pain, so much confusion going on there.

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And when we experienced this, then we will start to outsource this

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safety and we will try to find the safety in our intimate life.

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And this is where dysfunctional patterns start to happen.

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Any dysfunctional pattern you can start to think of because when you are

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outsourcing your safety because you don't feel safe and at home and secure

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in your own body, it's just going to be a disaster because your intimate

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partner can never give you that.

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That is always our own responsibility.

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It is your responsibility to make your body, your temple, your home,

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that you feel safe in your being.

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Because when you feel safe in your body, your heart is naturally open.

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Your nervous system is naturally regulated and resilient.

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Your body is strong.

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Your energy's strong is empowered, is clear.

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And as I mentioned, normally, this is taught and modeled by your father.

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But if your father and most of us didn't get that felt immensely insecure

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in his body or died very early on or whatever reason, then these, this will

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express itself inside you as well.

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And this is not just in your intimate life.

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Other examples where I, for instance, developed for a certain time of

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my life, a fear of traveling.

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I would always have this fear, that I would vomit or that I would, that I

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would be ill on the day of my travel.

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Now, of course, this has to do with seeing my father vomit constantly and

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going for the pain of chemotherapy, but as well, this had also to do,

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I always felt an anxiety about any situation where there was a sense of

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uncertainty and not the comfort for instance of my own home or anything

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that was known to my nervous system.

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Exposed to anything new that put my body almost in a fight and flight situation.

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And I remember when traveling, I would always feel a bit nauseous.

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I would feel, um, very spiraling, not completely out of control, I

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was at least able to manage it.

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That's am I didn't go into complete panic or anything like that, or

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I have an anxiety attack, but it just felt immensely unsafe.

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And during car rides, during traveling or any situation where I was

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exposed to any level of uncertainty.

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And this is because I did not feel safe in my body.

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And there is a high chance that when your strongest seller from the father

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wound that you experienced this, this is what our father, what healthy mask or

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entity teaches us, a sense of stability, security, and trust inside ourselves,

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inside our own body, inside our own being.

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Even when we're exposed to uncertain situations, because the

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truth is life is always uncertain.

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You are going to be exposed, I can guarantee you to many uncertain

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situations, all kinds of things, because especially if you're want to

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create your own reality, a reality of deep intimacy, you have to

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embrace the unknown, the uncertain.

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Because in order to create a new reality, you have to let go of what is familiar.

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You have to experience a sense of spiritual death.

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But this is not the topic and not the main focus of this episode, but it's

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just very important to, to share this.

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Now the first step here that has to be taken is to train yourself

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to feel safe in your own body.

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You can only imagine how much breath work I've done, how many times I've whipped on

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the floor, having deep trauma releases.

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It took a lot.

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It took many, many times for me to.

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Release that store trauma and store pain inside my body out of feeling

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for so many years unsafe in my body, feeling this immense confusion and

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harboring this anxiety, that was just building up and building up.

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This anxiety of, of not being able to trust myself, not being

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able to feel safe in my own body.

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Now, the thing here is, and this, hear me out here, stay with me, is that when

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we have a strong father wounds, as we don't mention, we don't feel safe in

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our own body, one of the number one reasons for that is that our awareness

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cannot flow easily into our body.

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Now, hear me out here.

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The reason is, is because when you first try to connect and bring your

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awareness into your body, is that you are going to feel all these unresolved

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trauma, all your unexpressed emotions.

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They're going to be in the way of you connecting to your body.

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See it in this way.

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You have left your home.

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Let's say your body, your temple is a house with a big garden, but

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if you have left that place for so many years, weeds started to grow.

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That garden became uncontrollable.

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Branches started to build up and you don't even know where the door is

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anymore into your home, into your body.

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And this is this, this symbolizes that because when it then first start to

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reconnect and bring your awareness to your body, you start to first go

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into that garden and you exp you don't even know where to find that door.

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All you see is confusion.

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This is because now for the first time you're turning your awareness

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to all this pain, to all this confusion, all this anxiety that has

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been building up in most cases for decades or many, many, many years.

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And this is why it can be a very painful experience to first bring your

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awareness and connect with our body.

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But this is not because it's painful to be in our body.

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This is because you are touching.

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We feel our awareness.

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The first thing your touch is your unresolved trauma and

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pain and anxiety and confusion.

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And by working through that, by releasing that, by feeling that, by

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processing that, then you'll kind of clear the weeds, clear and find

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the entrance into your temple again.

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And then it's not magically in perfect, but now then it becomes, it's easier

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to be inside your body, to live inside your body, to feel at home, to feel

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to some degree safe inside your body.

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When you are awareness is rooted in your body, you're in your

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power, you're in your heart.

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And feeling safe in our body is the most crucial thing.

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It's the fundament of really creating also one of the fundamental core pillars

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of creating deep intimacy in our lives.

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Because if you don't feel safe in your body, it becomes very difficult to be able

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to discern between whether someone is not good for you, or you're experiencing a

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fear of intimacy or a commitment, anxiety.

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To be able to discern what is really your intuition?

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What is your heart saying?

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And what is, where is your trauma trying to hijack you.

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And as well, you will just be prone to talk, just fall into many, a dysfunctional

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and toxic relationship dynamics.

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Only if we truly feel at home and secure inside our body have we really

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worked through our father wounds.

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Otherwise it is merely a mental thing.

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And that is, that can be very helpful to go and identify exactly everything, but

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I would say, and this is, of course I'm speaking from my own experience, the key

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here is somatic healing, somatic healing, and I will see it again, somatic healing.

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Trauma is stored inside our body.

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So anything that you can do, any trauma release breathwork, any

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trauma release methods, anything that your heart calls you, that

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your intuition guides you towards.

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Obviously this podcast is not a way to give any specific advice and is also

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not for being able to diagnose anything.

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This is just generalized advice, obviously.

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I am, you have to, in order to learn more about this, you have to consult someone

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a professional in that area, but anything that your intuition calls you towards,

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anything that has to do with somatic healing is from my experience crucial.

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And you just cannot get away from that in order to work through these

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weeds, and all the things that have been created, this first layer that

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your awareness has to work through until it's able to enter your body.

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Now, let's talk about how the father wound expresses itself in our intimate life.

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And there is a key distinction here.

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For the feminine.

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It looks more like looking for a savior, the perfect prince,

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the Knight in shining armor.

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Nothing is ever good enough.

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The manding and ideal that doesn't exist.

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And for the masculine, it is a form of deep dependency, and neediness in their

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intimate life, looking for stability and safety in the feminine, even though

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the feminine desires that from you.

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Now, as you can see, this will always lead to a clash.

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This is what happened in my life.

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The moment, I felt some feelings for a woman I would become needy and look

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for kind of emotional support, look for stability and safety, which was

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of course, um, losing awareness of my masculine pole and the feminine

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yearning that yearning for that from me.

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And that of course, led to a clash and a crumbling of

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polarity, of safety and intimacy.

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Now as the feminine, how can you start to heal this?

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Heal this demanding an ideal from the masculine?

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And the way it is often comes up is that you demand the masculine to hold space for

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you, in a way that your father never did.

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You demand almost a sense of a sense of unconditional love

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from, from, from your partner.

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And yes, unconditional love is amazing, but our farness unconditional love is very

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different than, uh, than your intimate partner's unconditional love, because if

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you expressed yourself as a child throwing a tantrum or saying something hard.

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If your father were deeply rooted in his heart and truth, be will set

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these boundaries, but in a loving way, but he will hold space for that.

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But now with your intimate partner, if you just lash out on him and, and show up

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in a really hurtful way, oftentimes there is an expectation from the feminine that

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then still he has to hold space for you.

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But that is deep down what you're looking there is, is for a father figure

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because, yes, you should in for safety from the masculine, but that safety looks

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different during your intimate life.

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Because if you show up in a hurtful way, it becomes impossible for the masculine

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to hold space for that, because that would mean he has to abandon his own truth.

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That is a man you don't really want.

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Anyway.

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Now, how can you start to heal this?

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As the feminine, of course, the foundation is creating safety in your

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body, feeling safe in your own body.

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That is the foundation, otherwise you will outsource this in a way that you don't

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express the natural yearn of the feminine for safety of the masculine, but a sense

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of safety that your father never gave you.

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As the feminine, I invite you to practice consciously to receive his energy.

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Now, this is really important.

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As a womanor as the feminine, if you suffer from the father wound, there

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is a high chance you have never really received and acknowledged the love and

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presence that he's trying to give you.

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Obviously, we're talking about a man who is safe and a man

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harness your Oracle, either with your current or future partner.

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When he touches you.

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When you look deeply into your eyes.

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His loving gestures.

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To receive his authentic, unique masculine core.

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There's a high chance.

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You have never received that because your father wound was always hijacking

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that and holding him to an ideal, to a stand, demanding, something from

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him, which he can never give you.

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And this kind of blocks and numbs you out from being able to receive him, his

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masculine truth, his masculine hearts.

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And he can pick this up.

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He can pick this up consciously or either definitely subconscious.

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And this feels immensely painful to him.

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If you are not able to receive his energy, his warriorship, his truth, his love.

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And the subtle way of practicing this is in your everyday encounters with

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him to just breathe into his energy, to feel into your heart as he hugs

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you, smiles at you, touches you gently.

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But now the more practical way you can practice this, if you find this too

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vague and abstract and too challenging as well, because subtle practices tend

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to be definitely more challenging is you can tell your partner that, um,

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you want to learn to receive his truth and his love and his powerful presence

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more, and that you have the feeling that you're pushing him away, subconsciously

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because of your father wounds.

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By expressing yourself in such a vulnerable way, it is feeling

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well, feel immensely safe for him and just telling him that you

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really, really want to receive him.

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And a way to do this is that he can give you a massage and you just fully

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surrender or he can caress and touch you in a very gentle way and not

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necessarily in a sexual way, right?

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And all you do is close your eyes and breathe in his energy.

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And what can happen is that this leads to deep tears, potentially even to trauma

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release, as you might want to let him know that this might happen, or you can

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also practice this while making love.

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Of course that is more intense, and you should only do this with a man who you're

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deeply trusts and a man who you'll feel deeply is safe and honours your Oracle.

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And as your duty is to truly receive him, and you might experience the

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tears because you're receiving him for the, for the very first time.

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For the very first time you're receiving his, his presence, his love, that

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which you wanted to give you for so long and now you're receiving it.

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And this empowers him immensely.

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When you receive his unique warriorship, his unique embodiment and expression.

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And as the masculine now, your practice as a man is about finding

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stability and security elsewhere.

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Not in the feminine, no longer looking for it in the feminine, because the feminine

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is constantly changing its many forms.

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It's in constant flux.

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The feminine is unable to give you any stability because the

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feminine is the expression of unpredictability, of constant change.

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And.

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You can only find this sense of safety and security in two things.

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You can find it in your body for and foremost and in your purpose.

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Now, this is really crucial as the masculine, as a man.

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The stability of being in my body and living my purpose, what that

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has given me is unbelievably.

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So back then when my woman was testing me, I used to always collapse into

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insecurity and into feeling unsafe because of course I was looking for

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safety and stability from the feminine.

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But now when my woman tests me, when my woman expresses the full range

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of awakened feminine expression, which can also be her more darker

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feminine energy, when she's testing me from her Oracle, then I no longer,

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or at least I'm not perfect, right?

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But I no longer collapse into insecurity, because I can lean into the stability

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of being in my body, feeling safe in my body, my body being my home and living

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my soul's mission, serving the world with what I'm meant to serve or the universe.

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And this is the life changer, brothers who are listening to this, and all

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sisters who are listening to this, this is what's going to change the game for

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your man, for a seam to create safety in his body and for him to live his purpose,

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because then he can truly hold space for the full spectrum of your feminine

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expression, because he is sourcing his stability and is able to lean into his

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body and his purpose, which allows you to feel immensely, immensely safe with him.

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And this is just, this is incredible.

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This is incredible.

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So for the brothers, through the work of creating safety inside your body and

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finding security and trust in your body?

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The feminine can feel that.

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Only when you feel safe in your body can the feminine feel safe with you.

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Only when you feel safe in holding your own emotions, your inner feminine,

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can you really hold the space, hold the container for the feminine.

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When she's testing you, when she's expressing herself, when she's

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going for the waves of her feminine expression and you lean into the

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mountain, into the stability of your purpose, of your mission, wow,

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that gives you an immense power.

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And of course, as she's always responding to your energy, that makes her feel

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immensely safe, immensely attracted to you, and safe to open, to surrender

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in your presence, to express the full magnitude or for feminine gifts, where

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if she's able to fully surrender, you are witnessing the embodied expression of the

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safety, stability, power, and strength of your warriorship and masculine core.

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And that touches, strengthens and empowers you like nothing else.

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Now I've shared a lot about this, but it goes even much, much deeper.

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I might do a part two about this.

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Let me know if you want me to elaborate further on any specific

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things as I want to serve you in the most powerful way in this podcast.

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Thank you for listening to this episode.

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Please share this with someone who needs to hear it.

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And if you want to learn more about my offerings, then I invite

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you to visit LorinKrenn.com or click on the show notes and learn