It’s normal and natural as kids to look for those external social cues that tell us which behaviors are good or bad - what is encouraged and what is discouraged .

In fact, we were constantly being conditioned and molded as children growing up by how our parents, society, teachers, coaches, priests, siblings, and our friends were responding to us.

If we aren’t careful, we might continue this habit of looking outside of ourselves for signs of belonging and approval. And instead of maturing into adults with secure self-love - we’ll find ourselves desperately looking to others in order to know if we're “good enough”.

Today on The Karen Kenney Show, we’re talking about the need for external validation or that ego desire to be “special” - that my friends and I like to call ‘wanting cookies’!

If you listen to this epsiode, and you're wondering, “Do I do that? Do I feel like I need all the cookies?”

Let me just say this; it's also totally normal to want to be told, “Hey, you did great,” and have you or your work acknowledged. In fact, it’s healthy in relationships to support, cheer and congratulate each other sometimes.

Where it starts to become wicked imbalanced - and we find ourselves unable to regulate - or see our own self worth - is if we don’t keep that insatiable need in check.

One of the strongest things that we need is our own love language. That muscle needs to grow and get stronger as we mature. That way, if somebody else validates us, it's just icing on the cake - and we don't have to go chasing all the cookies.

I always say, “If everyone likes you, you're doing it wrong” - because what that tells me is you’re probably ‘Cirque du Soleil-ing’ yourself into some version of you that’s trying to be palatable for everybody… and that’s just not possible.

Some people aren’t going to like you because they just don't like you and that's just how it is. What matters here, dear listener, is that you like and love yourself!

KK's Takeaways:

• Childhood Validation (05:55)

• External Validation (09:28)

• Self-Doubt + Fear of Rejection In Entrepreneurship (13:57)

• Self-Love + Self-Worth (20:06)

• Validating Yourself (24:51)

• Having Self-Esteem (29:00)

Karen Kenney is a certified Spiritual Mentor, Hypnotist, Integrative Change Worker and a Life Coach. She’s known for her dynamic storytelling, her sense of humor, her Boston accent and her no-bullshit approach to Spirituality and transformational work.

She’s been a yoga teacher for 22+ years, is a Certified Gateless Writing Instructor, and is also an author, speaker, retreat leader and the host of The Karen Kenney Show podcast.

A curious human being, life-long learner and an entrepreneur for 20+ years, KK brings a down-to-earth perspective to applying spiritual principles and brain science that create powerful shifts in people’s lives and businesses.

She works with people individually in her 1:1 program THE QUEST, and offers a collective learning experience via Group Coaching. She supports both the conscious and unconscious mind by combining practical Neuroscience, Subconscious Reprogramming, Integrative Hypnosis, and Spiritual Mentorship. These tools help clients regulate their nervous systems, remove blocks, rewrite stories, rewire beliefs, and reimagine what’s possible!

Karen wants her clients to have their own lived experience with spirituality and to not just “take her word for it”. She encourages people to deepen their personal connection to Self, Source and Spirit in tangible, relatable, and actionable ways without losing sight of the magic.

Her process called: “Your Story To Your Glory” helps people to shift from an old thought system of fear to one of Love - using compassion, un-shaming, laughter and humor, her work is effective, efficient, and it’s also wicked fun!

KK’s been a student of A Course in Miracles for close to 30 years, has been vegan for over 20 years, and believes that a little kindness can go a long way and make a miraculous difference.

Hey, welcome to the Karen Kenney Show. I'm wicked excited to be here with you. So thank you so much for showing up spending a little time together. Okay, so last episode, I was like, I'm gonna make this second weekend short. And I didn't I don't think I think it went on for a little bit. But this one is actually kind of, it's a little bit of a silly episode. But it's important. And I mean silly by its title. And I'm going to explain exactly what quote unquote wanting cookies is. Because I'm sure I don't even know look at I don't really play the podcasting game where I try to be wicked strategic about my SEO and what I title things. I just like to talk about, like what's on my heart? What's on my mind, what makes me laugh? What lights me up when I find helpful? You know, I like to tell stories. I like to help spread love. I like to end a little suffering. I love to weave in some spiritual principles. That's the heartbeat of this show. If you're new to the show, if you've never been here before, I'm Karen Kenny, hi. And I am a spiritual mentor. I am a hypnotist. I'm a writer. I'm a storyteller. I'm a yoga teacher. I'm a life coach. I help people with IBS. I've been a gateless writing instructor. I've done Thai Yoga, massage, like a lot of the stuff, the somatic stuff, the body stuff, writing and creativity, irritable bowel stuff, subconscious reprogramming, hypnosis mindset, like all that stuff that helps us navigate better. This being human experience. That's kind of what I'm into. So welcome. And thank you for being here. Okay, so I'm calling this sucker wanting cookies, or we can even call it meeting cookies. And what I mean by that is, let me explain first of all, cookies, first of all, I love cookies, especially vegan, Crunchy chocolate chip cookies, like all day, long, I love them. But that's not the kind of cookies I'm talking about here. So this is a little joke that I have with one of my friends, Katie, my best friend. And she and I always joke about how when we see. And it could be within ourselves. It could be ourselves. It's not like we're just looking at other people and judging them. It could be within ourselves. It could be within people we know, or just out in society at large. And if we see somebody who is desperately seeking external validation, we'll say, oh, yeah, wanting cookies, they want a cookie, they need a cookie, they want a cookie, right? It's like that little pat on the head, like you're a good girl, you're a good boy, you're a good person, like you want the cookies, right? So it kind of became a little joke between us. And why it's so helpful. Mostly, is it's a reminder to myself, when I find myself quote, unquote, wanting cookies, that I have somehow lost my center a little bit. And we'll dive into that in a moment. Again, like I said, I want to try to keep this one kind of shortened to the point, but it's made me think of two other people. One is a fictional character named Bosch, Hieronymus Harry Bosch, who if you are a Michael Conley, fan, if you are, he's an author. He's a writer, if you know Famous, if you if you follow his work, then you know who Harry Bosch is. And if you watch the TV show, Bosch, then you know who I'm talking about. And there's something about Bosch. He's a Los Angeles detective, used to be in the Special Forces. He's got all these tattoos, he's always tan. He's hardcore. He's very direct. He doesn't smile that. But he's got a code and Note to self, I'm going to do a whole podcast about having a code. I've been thinking about this for years now. So Aaron, if you're listening, right, that's like a doubt for me. Because sometimes I forget, but I do I want to do and I'm having a call, but Harry's a guy with a code. But one of his codes, right? Not necessarily outspoken, but you can see it in the way that he behaves is. Harry's not a big fan of giving cookies. Harry is not a big fan of even sometimes saying thank you. His attitude is now he's never, I don't think he's ever once. So far in the books. Maybe he has. I haven't read the whole series. But I've watched a lot of the episodes. He's the kind of guy who you do your job. He's not going to congratulate you for doing your job. Now, if you do a really good job, if you go like above and beyond, he might say to you like, Hey, good job. It's not that he doesn't acknowledge it. But he's the kind of guy who's not going to give you a thank you. He's not going to give you a cookie and a pat on the head for doing your job. He's like you do it because it's your damn job. Right? You just do it because it's your damn job. Right? That's kinda like Harry. So Harry's not big about act like seeking extra are no validation. And he's definitely not into rewarding external validation. And this is something that I think that we see, like, you know, remember that desperately seeking Susan, have you ever heard that phrase before? Right? So this is like desperately seeking cookies. This is what I think so much of social media has created in us. But before we go there, let's kind of back up to where this I think begins. So when we're little kids, and again, hashtag, not a therapist, but this is just what I've kind of put together from watching my own behavior growing up, watching my behavior shift over the years, and also, um, hello, I'm in the business of people, right, and helping people and watching people and behaviors and choices and all that shit. So I think when we're little kids, it's really natural, right? Every person here has either done or heard Mommy, mommy, mommy, Mom, mom, mother, mother, mother, mommy, Mom, look, look, look, look at me. Look at me, Marco Polo, look at me, right? Always wanting external eyes to focus on them and to tell them Good job. Good boy. Good girl. Good. Whatever, right? It's like, good. Like, whatever you're creating, like you did a good job, you create a nice painting. You ran really fast for it little pat on the head below. pat on the head right now, right? We were always like that as little kids, we were seeking desperately seeking cookies, desperately seeking that sweet sweets, like necked up that sweet treat, a being told that we're loved that we're seeing that we're good. We love that it was really normal and naturalist kids. And also, we were looking for those social cues to be told, yes, this behavior, good. That behavior bad this outcome good, that outcome bad. This word good. This, you know, we were constantly being molded as children based on how our parents or society or our teachers, or our coaches, or our priests or our schools or whatever, how our siblings, our friends, how they were responding to us. And if we aren't careful, as adults, right, we'll continue as we're growing up and maturing emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, as we're maturing, if we're not keeping an eye on the fact that in some ways, we are desperately seeking cookies, we're still looking outside of ourselves, to be told that we're good to get the approval of other people. Right, it can be really not soothing if we don't learn to start to be able to internally validate ourselves. And there's a lot of different reasons why I think for myself, there were definitely some parts of me that got a little emotionally stunted as a child, right? When you have great trauma, great tragedies, when there's abuse when there's death, like in my case, right, my mother was murdered. And so much of my life got blown, like, everything that was familiar. So I shouldn't say everything. But most of what was really so much of my childhood was so difficult and had. And I've even heard people say in 12 Step communities that the age that a person is when they actively start to substance abuse or use or whatever. It's like a part of their psyche, a part of their personality can get frozen at that age, if work is not done to kind of get it unstuck. So I think for a lot of people, this is why we see these people pleasing tendencies, the Cirque du Soleil of the self, to get what I would call the external validation the cookies that we're seeking from other people. Like just please give me all the cookies. Tell me I'm good. Tell me I'm love. Tell me I'm giving it up. Okay. So here's one of the things where I see you can go out of balance, right? These are the things that to be on the lookout for. If you're wondering if you're listening to this, and you're wondering, like shit, do I do that? Like, do I want all my cookies to do I feel like I need cookies. Right?

I think it's really normal to say, yes, as humans, we're connected to other humans who doesn't want to be told hey, you did great. Hey, way to go kid. Hey, like you put in the extra time like I see you. I acknowledged you you matter. Like, of course. I'm not talking about that. There's these healthy things that we get in relationships so way that we support each other and cheerlead each other and congratulate each other like all of that I think is can be healthy and normal. I'm talking about when it starts to turn into a shit show. I'm starting to like I'm talking about like when it starts to become unhealthy, like wicked imbalanced or desperate or you can't self regulate. You can't do See your own self worth, and we're gonna get to that in a minute. So here's just some things to be on the lookout for number one, you're always seeking outside approval. If it can be anything from the way you talk, the way you dress, the things you do, how you spend your money, who you hang out with, like all this stuff, if you're constantly looking outside of yourself, to see what other people's reactions are to you. Now, just think about this. Think about fucking social media. Think about all the apps where you can get a follower, a fan, a friend, a like a chef, a comment. These things have been created as little addiction machines to kind of foot light up the neural networks in your brain to get those little releases of the bio chemicals get a little dopamine hit right little rush of stuff. It's why people are constantly checking their phones, like Oh, I did this post how's it It's why people want a quote unquote, going viral. Talk about needing a lot of cookies or wanting a lot of cookies, right? So many people are creating content just to get that sense of I'm okay. I've been seen. I'm validated. I'm good. Look at me look at how many people follow me like me, love me. Listen, my downloads, my shares, my whatever, the BOK it's all a racket, it's all a game. And if we keep looking outside of ourselves for approval for that validation, we are going to be miserable, miserable, because not everybody is gonna love you all the time. And if you insist on everybody liking you, I am telling you, you are not being true to who you really are. Because none of us are perfect all the time. We are clumsy, we are messy we are. Our choices can be messy. I always say we're not a hot mess. But sometimes our lives can look like they are. So that's number one, just be aware of you're always looking outside of yourself to see if they're looking. Or notice if you're always looking to see if others are looking. Do you know what I mean by that? Are they paying attention to me? Do they like me? Are they approving of me? Are they giving me a pat on the head? are they liking my content? are they liking me? Oh my God, even just saying all that makes me exhausted. Okay, number two, do you get insecure? Do you get a little weird upstairs in your own head? Right? Do you feel inadequate or lost or whatever? Without others approvals? Do you somehow feel like you don't exist if other people aren't telling you that you're good that they appreciate you that you're seeing? Right, this can feel like high insecurity. And when you feel really insecure, and you're like, Oh my God, I don't know if they like me. And none, you're constantly worrying. And you're constantly like adjusting your clothes and, and thinking indebted, like, right, like you're hyper aware of how the rest of the world is responding and reacting to you, rather than going about your business. And you don't know how to navigate or live your life. Without the feedback from others. This can be a very dangerous thing. If you don't trust us, trust yourself to navigate the waters of your own life. And if you're constantly worrying about what your mother is going to think and what your father is going to think of what your sister is going to say and what your friends are going to say and what your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your partner or your lover or whoever, right, if we're not able to stand on our own two feet, and say, I am secure and knowing who I am, what I think what I want. And that's an ongoing journey. I'm not saying we're not going to sometimes have moments of self doubt or insecurity, welcome to being human. But I'm talking if you're constantly waiting to decide what your next step, your next decision, your next turn, your next choice, your next whatever your next project should be based on what the market will tell you. And I get it. We are bombarded especially as business people, especially as entrepreneurs, we are bombarded with particular ways of thinking one of them which is huge is niche down become the thing that that these people that like you can serve, we're not going to talk about that one right now. And they often will marketing and again, this is why I'm not a business coach. I don't like a lot of the advice that's giving. I'm not saying it doesn't make sense. For some people. It's just not the way that I operate. And just for example, right? People will say go out, see what the market wants and create it. Go out talk to people see what they need, see what they want, and then you create that. I've never ever, ever, ever, ever operated that way when I've tried to do it that way because that was the advice quote unquote, advice. I was being given by a quote unquote, a coach. I was fucking miserable. I felt like I was twisting and contorting what I call Cirque de slaying myself into some version of what they thought I should be to make money. And I've always been like, No, I'm just I just want to Get Paid for being myself and what I feel called to do and how I feel called to help. So this is what I do is some people will say, Oh, they go out, they do some research, this is what the market wants, they create it, people buy it great. I'm not saying it doesn't work. For some people, it's not successful. It's just not my way. So I'm kinda like the fuck around and find out person, I feel called to create something, I get the idea, the inspiration comes to me, I create it and fingers crossed, hopefully people will buy it. Now look, I would probably maybe I don't know, I don't even say that I don't even want to say that I would probably I might be there is a percentage of a chance that I might be more quote unquote, successful in other people's eyes. I know that there are other entrepreneurs out there that kind of look at me. And they're just like, and I know, because I've heard I've heard things get back to me, right? That they don't take me that seriously, as an entrepreneur, I don't give a shit. I'm happy. I'm creating what I want to create. I'm living my life. I'm loving what I'm doing. So for me success, like you get to define your own idea of what success is. And for me, it's being able to create what I feel called to create. And I feel like if I do that long enough, and I do it well, and I help people and I love people, then the money, right, the return the return of the ROI, as they like to say the return on investment will be there. Okay, so I don't need other people's approval, doesn't mean I don't bounce ideas off my best friends in my sweetie. Right? I keep a very small circle of counsel. Right? That I'll say, Hey, this is what I'm thinking. What do you think? Because sometimes they might see something in me that they're like, Well, what about this? Or what about adding that, like, you do this thing too, right? But I don't go out to the market, and then try to be what everybody else would have me be. Because I spent many, many, many, many years. Being a hardcore people pleaser, Cirque du Soleil, myself, and I will tell you that it is soul sucking, it is exhausting. And it is not fun. Okay, number three to be looking out for. If you're constantly afraid of rejection, or criticism for simply being yourself, if you think that you can't be yourself, because you say things like this to yourself, well, if they really knew me, they wouldn't like me. If they really knew me, they would think I'm weird. If they really knew me, they would leave me. If we have an unresolved we have some unresolved trauma. And we walk around with this idea of not being good enough, right? Not like we don't matter, I'm not good enough. This fear of like me, just being me will make you want to go away. Just these are the red flags. These are the things the little beacons of flashing things like blue Danger, Will Robinson right to be looking for, right? Seeking outside approval, feeling lost or insecure, inadequate, if you don't have others approval, and afraid of rejection or criticism for simply being yourself. Okay, number four, if you find yourself sacrificing yourself, and abandoning yourself or your values, if you are constantly seeking other people's approval or acceptance, in order to do that, you feel like that you have to sacrifice or abandon parts of yourself. If you have to go against your own values, if you have to act against your own values, your core values or your integrity, this is a huge warning sign. Because what it tells me is you are going to sacrifice what makes you you and you might do something that does not feel ethically or morally true for you or right for you. And you will abandon these parts of yourself out of shame or guilt or worry out of fear. I'm not going to bring my whole and holy self to this, whatever this is the relationship, the business, the collaboration, the project or whatever, because I already know that this part of me is not going to be accepted. Now, like there are certain times right, like I have a potty mouth, right? That's just a fact. It's a part of like who I am. But if I if I'm going to come and meet your grandmother for the first time, your little old granny I mean

unless she's from like Lawrence or Boston, she probably won't care that. But for a lot of people, right? You just don't swear in front of the elderly or children. And I can be mindful of it. There are certain times I'm not talking about like, you know, there are times when certain things are appropriate or inappropriate. I don't mean that I'm talking about like your core values, right? Like I'm never going to peddle a product that's not vegan. I don't care how much money it would make me I am not going to say hey dadadada da use this thing. If I know it's going to harm animals in some way not going to fucking do it right. I don't care. Like one of the first things I said to my sweetie when we got together is if we're going to live together and you're not going to be vegan, you better buy your own pots and pans and you're going to cook for yourself. Right you cuz I'm not having dead murdered animals, like I don't get your own fridge, I don't know what we're gonna do, because I'm not, I'm not opening things up and looking at dead, you know, murdered body parts of animals that I love in my house. And so I mean, he because he's an animal lover, he had been thinking about, you know, the incongruency in the hypocrisy of being an animal lover while he still ate them. He went vegan on the spot speaks highly of his character. And it wasn't because I was forcing him, I was saying, Here are the options like you can, we're still going to move in together, but we're going to have to do something because I'm not going to compromise in certain areas for anybody, even if I love you, you know what I mean? There's just certain things we're not going to do. So I think, if you're experiencing any of these, right, let's go back to this if you're find yourself constantly seeking cookies. Now, I've told this joke before the story before it's kind of funny about how I used to play this game. And I still do it once in a while just because it's fun. I used to play this game with my sweetie where I would say, tell me through show me three reasons why you love me, tell me three things you love about me or three reasons why you love me. And I used to think it was really funny and really sweet. And just kind of like a goofy thing that I did. And then it occurred to me like, oh, there's a part of you, that didn't get told enough when you were a little kid, that you were good, that you were lovable, that you were worthy that you were enough. And I saw this thing in myself, and it told me that I had work to do. It's not that it's not still fun to do write who doesn't love to hear from their sweetie like something in particular that they love about you. But I also wanted to love myself enough that they didn't have to ask for it from somebody outside of me that if I did get it, it was a bonus. And this just leads me to I'm going to take a little a little bit a little pivot here. A little sidebar, if you will. It's interesting, I think about if you've heard of the five, like the love languages, The Five Love Languages. And I always find it fascinating when I match the personalities of the people that I know who and I'm one of these people, right? Where are one of our love languages is words of affirmation. I have a highly suspicious feeling. Now I've never tested this theory. Again, I'm not not a hashtag, no therapist. But I do pay a lot of attention to human behavior. And I think that there's probably a common thread that runs between the people who write words of affirmation are their love language. I think that one of the strongest things that we need, if that's your love language is your own love language to yourself, that muscle needs to get stronger. That way, if somebody else gives it to you, it's just icing on the cake. You're not incomplete without it. You don't need it, and you don't have to go chasing all the cookies. Right? I think we're always on some level, most people are gonna want the cookie. Right? Right, we're gonna want to be told of our goodness, and good job, all this stuff. Right. But I think if we know it ourselves, meaning if we show up and we do our work, and we show up on time, and we keep our word and we act in integrity, and we like ourselves. liking yourself as like a holy act, man. That's a big work. Loving yourself and liking yourself is a big deal. And once you have that, once you have that it creates a sense of safety and security within yourself, where you will no longer compromise yourself for the approval of other people. And if you get external validation, it's like sprinkles on top. It's a cherry on the on the top of the vegan cake, you know what I'm saying? But it's not like a nutrient that you're dying without because you're not getting it. So it also made me think about my friend Walter Norton Jr. Some of you might already follow him. I had him on my podcast. Walter is one of the top strength and conditioning coaches in the country. He's worked with Ben Affleck for like 10 films. He coached the Celtics and like the he's been like he's helped. So Olympic athletes. He's like hardcore. And he's in the Institute of performance and fitness in. He's done in North Reading, I think in mass. I think it's North Reading, reading or North Reading. IPF, and he's, he's fantastic. But he did this story not long ago that I thought was really funny. And he was talking about, you know, his wife, they just had their third baby. And his wife is a badass, his wife, Liz, she's amazing. And she is the head coach. The I think she's the head coach at Dartmouth, women's hockey and she just just went and did this amazing thing. Anyways, he had many years where he traveled and now she's the one who's traveling to like her work and stuff like that. He was telling the story about how he had cleaned the house like she had been away and like he he cleaned the whole house and he was so excited for her to go Come home and see what's really funny. And he's like, in 10 minutes goes by, like he went back to the gym. And he's just waiting for that text message, right? He's just waiting for the message like, oh, the house looks great, You did so good. And he said, he found himself like waiting and checking his phone and looking for it and waiting to be told. And he said, and I realized that, oh my god, I'm doing the thing that I always talk about with other people, right? And it just kind of made me laugh. And he said, two things that I want to repeat to you. He says, number one, you do the thing, you do it, because it's yours to do. You do it because it's yours to do. And then you do it. Because you want to, not because somebody else is going to tell you how good you are, what a great job you did, or how special you are. That's really what the cookie is about, is wanting to be special. And that is a trap of the ego like you cannot fucking believe the ego will try to make you special. By either superiority I'm better than you look at how special and good I am. Or it will try to make you quote unquote special by but you don't know how how hard it's been, what a piece of shit I am, how many times I got it wrong, I blew it or how hard my life was right? It will try to make you special through superiority or shittiness and suffering. Neither one of them are a great way to go. Okay, so I would say this I would add to Walters do it because it's yours to do and do it because you want to I would add another one that says do it because it's right. Do it because it's right. It's real. And it's true to you. Right? True to you. Because it's authentic. It's who you are. It's Who am I being when they're not looking? Who is the person that I am and that I am choosing to be who am I even when others are not gazing upon me with their gaze their likes, their looks their follows their fans, all of that shit, right? Who am I being you do it because it's yours to do you do it because it's who you are. So I want to end with this. Okay, you might be saying okay, well can get how do I stop feeling like I need all that external validation? Well, number one, and I'm not I swear I always say, I'm not here to just always hock my wares. But I do have a business, okay, I'm very powerful thing you can do. Of course, you can do your own self work. And I will give you some clues to that in a minute. But also working with somebody like me, a spiritual mentor, a coach, some people go to therapy, right. Some people work with a hypnotist. It's one of the cool things about my program. The Quest is I combined the spiritual, the subconscious, right along with and so and also the Cymatics. I'm a yoga teacher, but you get all the tools that I have, right subconscious reprogramming spirituality, the science, the brain science, hypnosis, all that stuff. It's so fantastic. Not saying, Oh, I'm so fantastic. But I'm saying this combination of tools is so helpful in this kind of work. But here are the things right, that you want to be able to start to build here and the internal muscles that you want to start to build self appreciation. self worth, self love, self respect, self friendship, like really appreciating your own company like Are you a good friend to yourself? How do you talk about yourself to yourself? Are you friendly towards yourself? Self Compassion, right? And also self esteem. And when we look up the word esteem, we're often told you got low self esteem. What esteem really means is respect and admiration to regard highly

respect and admiration to regard highly. This is what it means to have self esteem. Do you hold yourself in high regard? Do you admire the person that you are the choices you're making? Who and how you're being in the world? Do you respect yourself your choices, your behaviors, your the words that come out of your mouth, the work that you're doing, right? This is how we heal it not from the outside in, but from the inside out. This is an inside job. And again, I want to be wicked clear. I'm not saying that wanting an atta girl, a good boy, a pat on the head a cookie is bad. Right? It is part of human nature. But if we find that we feel like we're in a deficit, and we're highly insecure and we're constantly looking outside of ourselves and wanting that approval and wanting to be told that were good. And if you're a fucking adult who is still living their life because this is what your mother or your father or whoever would want. We have to take a look at that. You've got to question that old conditioning Right, I know people who are still making choices and doing things because their mom might be upset. And I'll often say to them, how old are you? And they'll be like 56. And like we're still living based on and I say it kindly, of course, but we're still living based on what your mom or your dad would want. They're not even alive anymore. They're dead. But this is how deep conditioning and habits and patterns get ingrained in us. Sometimes we're not even aware that we're doing it, you know what I mean? So, this is the thing, do it because it's yours to do do it because you want to do it, do it because it's the right real and true thing that it is authentically you. Okay? So let's recap. Okay. When you find yourself looking for external cookies, how does it show up seeking outside approval, number one, number two, feeling lost or insecure, inadequate, when you don't get other people telling you, you're good all the time. Right? Three, you are afraid of rejection or criticism for being yourself. And what that tells me is, it will hold you back in your life, in your friendships and your relationships in your parenting. And in your business. If you're more concerned with being popular than being real, if you're more concerned with getting, you know, if you're if you're more concerned with getting the approval of others, then you will start to select yourself, and you will in some way, sell yourself short and sell yourself out. And that is not soothing. And number four is if you sell and I'm sure there's more I'm just trying to keep this brief. Again, another podcast not brief, I apologize. I apparently have more to say than I think I do. But number four, have you sacrifice or abandon yourself for others approval, or acceptance. And if you sacrifice your values, if you sacrifice your integrity, that is a huge deal. And it's important that it gets self corrected. Which leads us to the selfs right build your these are the muscles you want to build internally. Self appreciation, self worth, self love, self esteem, self friendship, self respect, okay, respect, admiration, and regard highly for yourself. And when you're not living in alignment with your morals, with your values, what's true and right feels right for you, you will know and how do you know because of how you feel, how you feel about yourself. So these are calls to action, these are calls to course correct. And this is part of the work that I do with people. So if this is interesting to you, you can always just go to my website, Karen kenney.com/work, with me, and you will see the different ways that I work with people on this kind of stuff. So you guys, I hope that this was helpful in some ways, right? If you recognize yourself, first of all, don't beat yourself up for it. recognize what's going on. Get curious about it, don't show up in judgment show up in curiosity, a lot of us did not get enough support or cheerleading, or kindness or acknowledgement or tenderness as as kid you know, I know I certainly didn't. And you know, I had to pay the price for a long time of not holding myself in high regard. On the inside, you know what I mean? And now I've done a shit ton of work. And I will continue to probably do work until the day I die. Because that's just who I am. And I want to show up as the love that I really am. And I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to live in fear of anybody else. And it's why I don't. I always say if everybody likes you, you're doing it wrong. Because what that tells me is you are Cirque de slaying yourself into some version of trying to be palatable for everybody. And it that's just not, it's just kind of boring. And it's not possible. Some people aren't just going to like you because they just don't like you. And that's just how it is. What Matt is here, what matters here deal listener is that you like and love yourself. So I appreciate you. I like you, I love you. I'm so happy to hear you're here. Thank you for spending time together with me. And wherever you go out in the world. You know, be yourself let people like you or not like you, but based on who you are. You know what I'm saying? I would rather somebody not like me for being myself then that mindfuck of thinking oh, they only liked me because I got them fooled. Who wants to do that? So not soothing? So, you guys, wherever you go, may you be a blessing, right? Leave the people leave the place. Leave yourself leave the animals in the environment better than how you found it wherever you go. May everybody else be better off because you were there. Bye