Shownotes
Trigger warning suicide attempt discussed. Jacky interviewed Nyx about her healing journey, which began with a pivotal moment in 2007 following a divorce and suicide attempt, leading to a spiritual awakening and interest in psychology. Nyx shared her experiences with low self-worth, independent healing efforts, and challenges with family dynamics, while Jacky discussed the impact of self-worth on mental health and trauma. Their conversation explored Nyx's transformation from barbering to wellness, her journey with life coaching and nature-based healing, and the importance of embracing change and finding inner peace in the healing process.
Find Nyx here: https://www.instagram.com/wildwellnessbreathworkgoddess/
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Until next week, happy healing.
Transcripts
Jacky Clarke: Okay, welcome back to the podcast, everyone! I'm super excited to welcome yet another wonderful guest on the podcast. So, do you want to tell everyone who you are and where you are in the world?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yes, thank you, Jacky. I'm Nyx, I go by the Breathwork Goddess, and I am in the northeast of Scotland.
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::Jacky Clarke: Amazing. I love Scotland. Scotland is one of my favourite places. So I always, I always love chatting to people who live up there. It's so beautiful.
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::Jacky Clarke: So, let's get into what we're here for today, and we're going to be talking about your own personal healing journey. So…
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::Jacky Clarke: Let's start with the start of your journey. So, when did you realize that something had to change? What happened? If you take us back to, you know, whatever timestamp you want, yeah, fill us in.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So yeah, there's been a few pivotal moments, but the first real big one was in 2007. I was going through my first divorce, and I didn't have any emotional tools or know how to emotionally regulate. I've since recognised codependency and that kind of thing in the relationship, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: That ultimately led me to a suicide attempt in 2007.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So, interestingly, I look back on it now with gratitude, because it really helped me get to that point of.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: how did I get here?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I looked heavenward, and I remember saying, help me, I'm in despair, and I kind of got helped.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it was like a very spiritual awakening for me, of… I asked whoever, I didn't know who I was talking to at the time, for help, and help came, and it blew me away that that happened. So, that was the first moment in my life when I thought, how on earth did I get here?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So I started looking at things like psychology, understanding the individual, how did… how did that happen for me? How did I get to that point? And from then on, it's been a process. There have been other pivotal moments, there was a second divorce as well came in the mix, and
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: You know, so all these moments are kind of… but that was the first one. Going back to 2007, really, was the biggest moment of my life, of…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Something has to change.
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh my gosh, I mean, firstly, like, I…
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::Jacky Clarke: it… oh, just… everything in me just wants to tell you that I'm so glad that you're still here, like…
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh my gosh, it's… Yeah, it's such a… it's such a huge thing, and I think…
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::Jacky Clarke: Not enough people talk about it and talk about, you know.
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::Jacky Clarke: How hard it can be going through these big things.
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::Jacky Clarke: And how people can feel so alone in those moments, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: I think it's so, so important for people to be able to share these stories, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: just thank you. Like, thank you so much for, you know, just starting there. I think this is, you know, what a place to start. I think that that is amazing. So…
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::Jacky Clarke: I know, obviously, as you said, there's been a couple of pivotal moments, and I'm sure we'll… I'm sure we'll get to, I'm sure we'll get to the unfolding of the story as we go, but in that first moment back in 2007,
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::Jacky Clarke: What?
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::Jacky Clarke: Like, what did you have to understand about yourself?
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::Jacky Clarke: in order to actually start that journey? Because I know you said, like, you started looking into psychology, like, understanding yourself more, but actually something must have clicked in order for you to start that journey. That's not a journey that's easy to start by itself.
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::Jacky Clarke: So what was it for you that you had to, like, really kind of understand or embrace about yourself to go on that… that journey?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: First thing that really came up was, low self-worth.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: You know, looking at my own worth and wondering…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: wow, I don't actually really like myself, or value myself, or something in that moment.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And then realizing I'm a people pleaser, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: it was very much, kind of, I actually found a life coach a few years down the line, because…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Interestingly, when I look back at my experience, I didn't get put forward for counselling, or coaching, or anything in the system, and I was taken to the system because I had to get taken to hospital. So I was recognized as a suicide attempt, but it didn't… nothing happened.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So I then realized I had to ask for help, which has still been a work in progress. I had to seek answers on my own, because there wasn't that help, and within my surrounding people, let's say, including family, they don't know how to deal with this kind of thing, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: You know, and making peace with that's been challenging, because…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I wanted them to see me, I guess, and also understand what happened, but it never got talked about, and it's still in the closet, interestingly, in my family dynamic. My mum hates me talking about it. That brings up her stuff, and it's stuff I've kind of made a lot of peace with as well, but it was, right, okay, I need to work out…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Why have I got low self-worth? What does that even mean?
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::Jacky Clarke: Absolutely.
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::Jacky Clarke: It's, like, it's such a driving force for…
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::Jacky Clarke: Depression, for suicide attempts, like, that link of self-worth and what we feel we are deserving of.
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::Jacky Clarke: You know, so many podcast guests have spoken about this, you know, when it comes to abuse.
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::Jacky Clarke: in a multitude of different ways, whether you're letting people abuse you, or whether you are abusing yourself, you know, however you're doing it. Like, it's self-worth. People don't really, I think, recognize how important it is.
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::Jacky Clarke: To foster and care for a level of self-worth. And… I, like, I can completely…
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::Jacky Clarke: Recognizing myself, like, in my own journey.
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::Jacky Clarke: that that was a massive force for me as well, putting other people before me, not feeling like I was worth the same as other people. Like, all of that was a massive driving force, and I think it's really interesting…
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::Jacky Clarke: That you said, like, you know, that suicide attempt is still in the closet, like, within your family.
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::Jacky Clarke: And it's, like, that's so common as well. Like, if anybody is listening and you're in the same situation, like, it's so normal and it's so common, because exactly like you said, like, it brings up something in the other person.
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::Jacky Clarke: So if you're saying, you know, well, you know, I had a bad childhood.
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::Jacky Clarke: the parent is instantly defensive of, well, I wasn't… I wasn't a bad parent.
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::Jacky Clarke: And it's like, actually, you know, we're not necessarily saying you were a bad parent, or, you know, we're not trying to make it about the other person.
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::Jacky Clarke: sometimes it's just our experience and, you know, what is happening, but I found, like, when I was going through my, my depression, it was very linked to
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::Jacky Clarke: A lot of situations that had happened to the whole family.
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::Jacky Clarke: So, like, mine was a very fun… like, very, very fueled by grief. We had a lot of grief in our family in a very short space of time. And I found myself, like, detaching even further away
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::Jacky Clarke: feeling like I wasn't worthy of that help and that support, because everyone else was more worthy, and actually, like, I need to be strong for everybody else, and like, you know, again, that, like, that self-worth can be such a detrimental factor.
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::Jacky Clarke: But for me, like, everyone was trying to deal with the thing as well, so it was, like, this really weird dynamic, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: I think for a lot of people, you have to kind of realize and recognize that
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::Jacky Clarke: your healing will trigger things in other people. Like, you going through, and whether it is generational, you know, whether it's trauma, like, a trauma-specific, like…
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::Jacky Clarke: There will be an impact of how other people
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::Jacky Clarke: Like, look at your healing journey.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Definitely, and it, like, everyone… like, it's a conversation I've had with my mum now, actually. We've opened it up around… because I speak a lot in my social media around trauma, with the work I do with breathwork.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And, interestingly, I think I put a quote up, and it wasn't my quote, but it was something like, it ran in the family until it ran into me.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it really triggered my mom, and we had actually quite a lovely conversation, because with the tools I have now, to not take it personal, to not get triggered, and to know that she's doing the best she can, and always has.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: We were able to have a conversation when I was explaining to her about generational stuff, and my lineage is German. My mum's mum is German, so, you know, there's a lot of masculine stuff, a lot of trauma there, and I was trying to say to my mum, you know, I'm not saying I had a bad childhood mum, but I had stuff.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: as you had stuff, and Nanny had stuff. You know, we all have our stuff, and it's really how we kind of deal with that, and it was nice. It opened up a lovely conversation now as adults. So back in 2007, that would have never been a conversation, but now…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: with how I know how to regulate and hold space, I'm able to hold her in that space and understand that she's just asking questions from a lack of understanding, because I've done a lot of work, and she hasn't, and I'm not comparing, she's just… that's her life, and that's her path, and, you know, it's kind of that accepting of, okay, well.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: that's where that is, and this is where I am, so it's been… it's been a bit of a journey.
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh, absolutely. I think as well, like, generationally, specifically.
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::Jacky Clarke: it wasn't deemed, like, acceptable to talk about your mental health or, you know, go on this journey. So actually, looking at the older generations and expecting them to be as emotionally intelligent around their healing and around their trauma.
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::Jacky Clarke: it's kind of a little bit unfair as well. Like, there is a level of having to accept that
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::Jacky Clarke: People are where they are, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: you can come to that conversation, you know, however you can, and whatever… with whatever capacity you have. But I do see that a lot still.
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::Jacky Clarke: you know, in my own family, in my friend, like, in my friend group, like, there is definitely a disconnect between the generations and how open they are to actually having these conversations, and being accepting of, you know, hard things happening, or, you know, whatever it is. And I guess, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: So, obviously, 2007 was, like, a massive pivotal point. Obviously, that was a moment where you absolutely felt like you couldn't make it, and you did, which is amazing.
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::Jacky Clarke: So, were there any other, sort of, critical moments on that journey where you just felt like it was too hard?
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::Jacky Clarke: And, you know, maybe not to a suicide attempt, but, you know, just actually… It's a hard journey.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yeah, I mean, I ended up divorcing a second time.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I ended up,
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: in the same questioning of how did I get here? However, noticing the difference in the resilience and the strength and the tools I had in that situation, so it wasn't as devastating as it felt the first time, still lots of hard stuff within that situation, and I'd been working with a life coach.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: A few years before the divorce, so interestingly, when I went to see her, and it wasn't for me, it was for… I had a business, I was a barber for 30 years, and I had a shop, and then a second shop, and… and I found some stuff going on with work, so I wanted her to help me do positivity workshops for my staff.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it ended up being about me in the first session, and it was very interesting, because I think on session one, she said to me, I will be able to teach you assertive skills, boundaries, how to be okay with being angry, you know, how to bring stuff up, and I remember thinking.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: what? You can teach these things? Like, what? And I was hooked from then on, and I saw her for a few years, and incidentally, that's probably what ended the marriage, in a way.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Because I grew and changed, my values changed.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: But also in the latter part of that marriage, I also went through IVF, so I had 3 failed attempts.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: That was really, really challenging, and that took a lot on a situation that was already challenged, maybe?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So that, ending that marriage, saying goodbye to my beloved dogs within that marriage, because I had two dogs I adored, and being as, I was going into rented accommodation, I had to say goodbye to them. So a big loss and a lot of grief came with that.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And then I took to my local hill, which is called Bennehi. I decided to find myself in that cliched way of, like, what's going on? How have I ended up here again? In a different way, but a big, a big life change, so I started hiking every single day.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I did that for 5 years every morning, and went up this same hill, different routes and different paths and things, but…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It was… that was a really…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: pivotal point for me. I started, I started, really devouring self-help books and looking for things and answers.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And… and then I started to take out the ear… the earphones and embrace nature and really understand…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Okay, nature became a big part of my life, of the grounding, the connectedness, the getting out of my head.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And that's been my main learning of everything. If I encompass it, it's getting out of my head and into my body, and really understanding that, because I feel that I lived…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: not really landed in my own life, I was just an observer, and it's now I've kind of…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: that process of going into nature and hiking in all weathers, and it was at 5 in the morning, it was sometimes pitch dark, it just was that… it was almost like a mini pilgrimage every day to really get into that space of, right, something has to change, and that's when…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: The shift from barbering went into wellness, and something came and had to change around that sort of space, and that's kind of the main point that that changed.
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::Jacky Clarke: Wow, oh my gosh. I mean, like, yeah.
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::Jacky Clarke: divorce in itself is a massive, like, it's a massive change, it's a massive thing, but to have that come off the back of IVF as well.
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::Jacky Clarke: It's such a… Yeah, it's such a,
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::Jacky Clarke: I don't know, like, just such a challenge, isn't it? Coming to an acceptance of what life will be.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It is, and it's something I find in these moments that I've landed a bit more in my body. It's coming up for healing, because it's an invasive.
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::Jacky Clarke: COSAC?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: That no one can prepare you for at all.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: going straight into divorce off the back of it, I didn't get time to really process it, and I never have. And it's now coming up, and it pops up in random times. I was having a massage a few weeks ago, and tears just sprouted from me, as she was kind of going around the back space, you know, around about my abdomen area and the womb space, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I thought, oh, oh, okay, this is coming up for some… and it's grief, and it's loss as well, you know, and it's processing, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yeah, that was another big, another big pivotal moment. There's… there's been a few.
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::Jacky Clarke: Yeah, absolutely. I think, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: It's so easy to have these big things happen and to not process them in the moment.
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::Jacky Clarke: And to sort of come back to them after the fact, you know, whether consciously or unconsciously, sort of come back to them. But it's interesting that actually through all of that, there was this, like, this pilgrimage, this grounding, this almost like getting yourself back to a place where you could
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::Jacky Clarke: Bring that stuff back up, and you could actually start dealing with it, because when your nervous system is so fried that actually it isn't able to process anything.
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::Jacky Clarke: it is most likely just going to put it in a box and shut it away and say, actually, we're not going to deal with that, because that's going to be too big and too hard. So, it is interesting that actually you were doing all of the things that you had to do anyway to get to this point, and, like, you know, now you can start sort of processing through some of that.
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::Jacky Clarke: and sort of dealing with that, I think that that is really, really lovely as well. And you…
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::Jacky Clarke: So you said that, like, you had quite a big shift in that thing of, like, getting out of your head and getting into your body.
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::Jacky Clarke: What do you think the biggest change on your outlook to life was?
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::Jacky Clarke: As you were going through this process.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It was really… because anxiety was pinpointed when I went to see my life coach. She recognized I had anxiety, and my nervous system was fried, and it's something I had no idea of.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So, in that space of… It was trust, I think.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Trusting the process, rather than resisting.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I don't want to be here right now, I wish I was here, over there, or… fixed. I remember when I went to see my life coach, I had this notion in my head that she would fix me. And when she said, you know, you're not broken, number one. Number two, you're never fixed, it's a journey, it's a process, you know, you change, you evolve, you grow.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And there's not an end goal in this, and that really blew my mind. I thought, oh, I thought it was broken and I needed to be fixed.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it was, like, that realization helped me realize that
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: okay, this is maybe not such a good day today, and that's okay, in that acceptance of… because tomorrow can be a different day, and a different outlook, and a different mindset. It's kind of the mindset that's really important around, you know, how we
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: attached story, or how we go into old story, and the computer files in our brain go and look for evidence to try and make that, oh, this is what we look for. And it's recognizing that the old familiar path, as much as it feels comfortable.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: isn't the way to go, because it's not helping anymore, you know, and it's that path of, okay, that did help, so the ego, the brain wants to make it keep working, but it's that part that no longer work, and go, how do I create new neural pathways, and find new ways to go? And…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: some days that's okay just to sit in a comfort zone, but some days we can't sit there all the time, and it's that place of, okay, I've been here too long.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Because another big thing for us was, I ended up, I was engaged a third time, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Just last year, we sold our house, we bought a motorhome, we decided to go for van life and come out of the system somewhat.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And that ended as well. The fiance, it didn't work out. We broke off the relationship, we sold the van, and in that process of letting go, it's been an unravelling of accepting and surrendering hugely into that process of, okay, well, this is not what I expected.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: But expectations can…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: be struggle, you know, because we have these expectations that are unmet, rather than going with the moment, and being in the now, and
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Just trusting the process, that we're in that place, in that space, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Right, this is meant to be where I am, because it's where I am!
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh, absolutely. I think the saying that comparison is the thief of joy.
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::Jacky Clarke: Is one that has literally always stuck with me.
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::Jacky Clarke: And it's that… exactly what you're saying, like, comparing yourself to where you think you should be, or where other people are, or to what other people have, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: It's… it's in so many ways, and I think, like, I don't know for you, but, like, I can look back, and I can see such clear patterns of when I used to compare my life to other people's.
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::Jacky Clarke: And, like, going back to as young as, like, being a kid, being in primary school, like, I can remember distinct moments where I would massively compare myself to other people, and I think it is that worth seeking.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Like, actually, if we're the same as others, you know, if we have the same as others, then we must be worth… as worthy as them. Like, it was a massive worth-seeking, I know, for me.
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::Jacky Clarke: In that kind of process, and I think…
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::Jacky Clarke: It's a really… it's a really interesting shift when you start to…
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::Jacky Clarke: come away from. Like, it doesn't matter what other people have, or what other people don't have, or, you know.
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::Jacky Clarke: how people recognize you, or… like, when you can come away from all of that, and it is literally just, I am where I am, and I'm doing what I'm doing, and it's…
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::Jacky Clarke: It just is. Like, it's not good, it's not bad, it just is.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yeah, when I had the… when I had my barbering business, I think I was self-employed at 19, and then I owned my first business at 21, and I have felt that this would give me the validation.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Because I'd be successful, I'd be a businesswoman, and I then decided to spend money. So, I made the money, but I spent it just as quickly. And I had a fancy car, and fancy clothes, and I went down the whole materialism route, and look at me, look how well I'm doing, even though there's no money in the bank, I've spent it all, but look… look what I have.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And that… that was really interesting to go through that process. In fact, the van life and selling the home was getting rid of all the material, all the objects, all the physical, and the physical came attached with emotional, because everything I bought came from a place, or a person, or something, so that letting go was a big, big…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Real unravelling of… Wow!
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I mean, I… in my belief, my…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I think the system is a bit broken.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: from schooling, it didn't serve me that well. To be fair, it didn't work for me, I didn't fit in. And that fitting in that we try and do, the comparison, as you say, is the thief of joy, and social media, there's so much comparison on there, and I'm kind of… I'm in my own…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It's a love-hate relationship with social media, but I'll be honest, it's more hate at the minute. I'm kind of in that space of, I'm kind of done with this.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it's in that, like you say, the comparison, and the fitting in, and the feeling we have to be a certain way, and not trusting our inner knowing of who are we, and what do we actually want within that space of systems and societies and people, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: All that things.
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::Jacky Clarke: Yeah, absolutely. I… yeah, I completely, like, get exactly what you're saying. I have the same, like… I just want to not be plugged in. I just want to not be on social media. I just want to not be, you know, in that place of comparison, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: I massively…
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::Jacky Clarke: did, like, did the same thing, you know, climbed the corporate ladder, bought all of the things, looked like I was super successful, had no money in the bank, like, did all of the things that…
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::Jacky Clarke: Is it… like, they're, like, expected, aren't they? They're, like, expected of you, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Evicted almost by people, you know, that…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: people think, like, people used to say to me all the time, you must be so successful, and you must be so well-off, and so rich, because you own a business, and… I'm like, if only you knew the truth.
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh, absolutely. And the thing is, I think as well, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: in all of this, like, from the school system to, like, the joys of, you know, people starting works and careers and staying in careers for, you know, really long times, like, there is so much…
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::Jacky Clarke: Attached to what success means…
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::Jacky Clarke: And I think that is slowly starting to change, because the younger generation doesn't seem so attached to these old stereotypes of success. I think a lot of them are not about the white picket fence houses, like, a lot of them are about backpacks and just going and seeing the world, which I think is really amazing.
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::Jacky Clarke: But I do think that for a lot of people.
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::Jacky Clarke: Of an older generation, of, you know, people who are not in school now, and not in uni now, like, not that kind of, like,
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::Jacky Clarke: younger, like, adult generation. I do think that a lot of people weren't served well by the school system, really struggled to find their place. Like, it's a… it's a story that I hear over and over again, and I think it's because so many people
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::Jacky Clarke: were disconnected from their purpose, like, disconnected from what they should have been doing, like, how they should have been showing up in the world. The world almost, like, wasn't ready for…
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::Jacky Clarke: the beings that were arriving, so I think that it's… it's always really interesting to, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: Look at that journey of, like, so you went from being a barber.
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::Jacky Clarke: For, you know, 30 years. And then…
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::Jacky Clarke: you come across into your wellness space? Like, how did that journey actually happen?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Actually, so in 2020, I was still barbering, and I used to say I'd give it up if I could, because my body started to ache a bit, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: But I need the money, so I can't afford to. And then, in January 2020, me and a friend, we'd gone to a coffee shop, and I'd decided to start taking people out.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: on walks to this hill, because I've been doing it for about 5 years at this point, so I knew every corner of this hill, and every secret walk, and everything, and I used to take people out.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I think I charged them £10 to take them on a walk and just, like, listen to them sort of thing, and I thought.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Okay, this is interesting, because I did train as a life coach, actually, as well, in that year, because I got so much from life coaching.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So that was done online, and then I started… so we came up with this name, Wild Wellness. My friend was like, Wild Wellness, you love being outside, you love being barefoot in nature, why don't you take people into that space and help them, you know, get grounded and stuff? So I set up a Facebook page, called it Wild Wellness.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And then… was it March? Lockdown hit the world, and I was forced to close my barbering doors for quite a few months.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And also, Wild Wellness had to go to the side, and my body loved the fact that I wasn't cutting hair anymore, and I thought.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I can't go back.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I cannot go back.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So, I decided to retire from barbering, a big scary decision. My partner, my fiance at the time, was in the oil industry, so comfortably enough, financially, that I thought, right, I can do this.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I've got my life coaching qualification now as well, so this'll help me make the shift.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So, I… I think I went back to work in the August, and then was… was done and dusted by the September, pretty much. So barbering was… was retired.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And the new wellness industry, the business started, the wild wellness business started. And it evolved from taking people out into nature, to… I trained in cold water immersion, so I started doing cold water workshops for people.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And then it was more… and then I realized that breathwork was underneath all of those things.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I used to get people breathing and walking when we did the walking, and then the breathwork's really important for the cold immersion before and after, and then I came across trauma release breathwork, and that just opened up a whole
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: thing for me. It was just… it blew my mind, it knocked my socks off.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: In a way that I was like, what was that? It was really deep breathing, and I remember doing the session on my own in my Beltik when I still had the house.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And I was… I was crying, I was screaming, I was laughing, I felt joy. It was a whole journey. And at the end of it, I just thought, what even was that? And I got my partner at the time to do it as well, and he was the same. He went, what was that? So that was me niching more towards breathwork after that, and I thought, wow, this is powerful.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And in the last few months, it's been trauma release I've worked on for a few years, and it's powerful, and it never ceases to amaze me how much transformation people get from this.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: But I recognised in myself, from the transition to the motorhome life, it was quite stressful, and I had to… I had to get back in my comfort zone a bit to cope with all these changes. So I then started training in, down-regulation breathwork, functional breathwork.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: how can I regulate the nervous system as well as the trauma release stuff? So now, I've got this whole kind of journey of breathwork that I work on, from functional to calming to activating to trauma release.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So I'm now trying to find a new way to work that forward into everything. I can't do the cold immersions just now, because I don't have the space to do it anymore, because obviously we went into van life, and I'm now…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Kind of just living in other people's spaces for now, but
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yeah, it's been a… it's been a progression of adding different tools, adding different tools, and trying to find my place, and I work a lot with cacao as a plant medicine to open my heart, and I like to do a lot with that, and I want to open up more space again to add more in to the breathwork, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: What I'm finding is people love the breathwork experience, but they seem to want more.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: more time either side, so maybe more sharing, or more nature connection, or more experiences, or something, so I'm trying to listen.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: what do people want, but what do I want as well within that space? So, that's been a progressive journey from, say, through 2020 to… and the good thing is I've got the life coaching qualification, so that kind of underpins everything, so I can hold that space with that knowledge and with that training that I've got with that as well, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It's kind of, as I'm speaking out loud, I'm thinking, yeah, I've got a lot to offer.
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::Jacky Clarke: You do! You absolutely do!
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::Jacky Clarke: I love that so much. It's so… I think that it's so incredible when you're leading from a place of purpose in a business, and you're leading from your own experience.
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::Jacky Clarke: you do evolve, and sometimes that can make running a business a bit more challenging, because it is forever changing, and you are forever trying to have to re-figure out the message and, you know, how it all fits together. But at the same time, I think that if we let it, it can be really empowering as well, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: There's so much knowledge and, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: passion that you can bring in your own story, and how you show up in actually, like, you fully believe what you're teaching, and I think that that makes a massive difference.
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::Jacky Clarke: it's not like, oh yeah, I've learned this three-step model, and now I'm just gonna teach it to people, and, you know, rinse and repeat for, you know, a decade. Like, it's actually…
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::Jacky Clarke: oh, actually, I learned this, and then I realized I needed this, and then I needed that, and then we're adding this in, and I think that's such an incredible way to show up and, you know, do the work as you're going through the process, so you definitely do have a lot to offer the world. I think that that is a key. I think everyone knows it.
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::Jacky Clarke: And… I guess let's get into… advice, then.
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::Jacky Clarke: So, what advice would you give somebody who is going through a challenging time at the moment? And you could do this from whatever angle you want. Somebody who is, you know, at that really critical
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::Jacky Clarke: you know, suicide points, somebody's going through divorce, somebody's going through, you know, anxiety. You pick, you can do all three of them, however you want to do it, but.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Peace.
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::Jacky Clarke: What advice would you give to somebody who's going through a healing journey of their own?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: The main thing, I think, is… I mean, the first thing is always breathe, but that's not always easy to remember to stop and breathe, because it gives you that pause. It's like hitting that imaginary pause button in the sky, which gives you that… it gives you that… I think it's about 7 seconds we have between reaction or responding, and it's like, if you use those few seconds to just…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: calm the nervous system and respond, but that, for me has been a work in progress, so I know that's not always the beginning point, but…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It's recognizing that
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: it's not all light and daisies, this awakening journey, you're not running through fields of daisies in a white dress, you know? It's like… there are shadows will come up, there are parts of ourselves, and it's…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: what's coming up for me more than ever just now is in that accepting those parts of me that I have kind of discarded, thinking that they needed to go away, they needed to not be part of my life, the anxiety, the fear of disapproval, those parts that show up still.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I used to try and fix them, and now I recognize that it's accepting them, and saying, you know, thank you for your help, and in those moments when we're a bit overwhelmed, it's just a case of, I'm doing the best I can.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I'm doing the best I can, as is everybody in this world. We're always doing the best we can, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It's self-compassion.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: in that space, because it's the stories. I, I, I don't know if you've ever come across a lady called Byron Catie. She works, and she… her process is basically… it's not the problem that causes us the stress, it's the thinking about the problem that causes us the stress.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: So it's a case of… what I have now is, I have a little mantra that I say, I'm loved, even when I'm not being shown love.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I'm loved even when I'm not being shown love. My safety lies inside me.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Because it's safety, that was a big path for me, I didn't always feel safe.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And it took me a long time to sort of get into that safety feeling, and it's that recognizing that
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I am exactly where I'm meant to be right now. Even if that's standing on a bridge, or, you know, thinking of taking something, or…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: you know… thinking of leaving a marriage or something like that, it's like… It's…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: feel the fear and do it anyway, kind of thing. I know that sounds a bit of a cliche, but it's… we keep ourselves stuck.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: in that space, and it's like, it's… what do we want? What are we doing for us? Not everybody else, us.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And that's, like, the most important thing that I've been learning, is don't try and keep mum happy, don't try and keep partner happy, don't think for other people.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Get inside yourself, go into your body, and think, what's real for me right now?
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::Jacky Clarke: I love that. What's real for me right now? That is,
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::Jacky Clarke: a massively important question. I think a lot of people really…
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::Jacky Clarke: They, like, they do expect that
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::Jacky Clarke: Healing's meant to make you feel good.
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::Jacky Clarke: Not realizing that actually sometimes getting to the point of feeling good is gonna feel bad.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yep.
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::Jacky Clarke: Like, it is part of that journey, isn't it? And…
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::Jacky Clarke: I… you know, I've spoken before on the podcast about, like.
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::Jacky Clarke: my first experience of healing, and literally feeling like I had a hole in the middle of my body.
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::Jacky Clarke: And… It was, like, such a traumatic…
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::Jacky Clarke: like, not knowing how to deal with it, or how to hold any of that. Like, I had no tools at all, and it just felt so impossible.
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::Jacky Clarke: And… I remember also working with a coach, and, you know, us, I mean, we did,
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::Jacky Clarke: oh, gosh, what's it called? Somatic work. So we did actual somatic, somatic work, and it was so interesting going through that.
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::Jacky Clarke: and experiencing… almost, like, how detached I was, and how… Difficult it was for me.
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::Jacky Clarke: And I always say, like, if I hadn't have… if I didn't have somebody in that process to actually help me get over that, like, first hurdle, I probably never would have been able to do it.
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::Jacky Clarke: Because it was so challenging when I'd shut my feelings down for so long, and I'd lived in that space of repression for so long, to then suddenly be like, oh yeah, now I just need to feel everything, and apparently that's gonna make me feel better, which obviously it did in the end, but…
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::Jacky Clarke: at the time, like, it did not. It did not feel better. Absolutely. And, like, it was, like, so…
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::Jacky Clarke: It was so strange, like, the…
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::Jacky Clarke: the process of going through, like, I remember literally being in somatic work and feeling like I had to, like, step off a cliff, like, literally, it literally felt like my body had to step off a cliff.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And below was just completely dark.
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::Jacky Clarke: And…
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::Jacky Clarke: I had no idea what was gonna be down there. And, like, that's literally, like, the feeling of what it felt like to go through. It didn't feel nice, it didn't feel comfortable, like, it felt horrific. But actually, as soon as I landed, as soon as I, like, went through that… that barrier.
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::Jacky Clarke: it felt so good. It was literally, like, I was the light that needed to be down there, and it felt absolutely fine, and it was, like, this beautiful moment. But I don't think I ever would have stepped off the edge by myself. Like, I don't think I ever would have been able to push myself through that barrier.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Hmm.
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::Jacky Clarke: Because it didn't feel good. Like, it didn't feel nice.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I think that's one of the things in society that there's a lot of divide and separation.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And, you know, if you go back many cultures ago, we lived in tribes and communities, and there seems to be a calling for that. The more people I spoke to when I said I was embracing van life, maybe looking for a community, the amount of people that went, oh, that's my dream…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: living in community, or having more help around us, you know, it takes… it takes a tribe to raise a child, they say, yet now everyone does it on their own. Everyone's separated from their families, they do everything on their own, and it's like…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: we need help. We need people to help us with everything from a coach of some kind. My life coach, she changed my life. Absolutely changed my life. And I realized the somatic work needed to come in as well, as the talking therapy, but it was also a case of
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: these people that have been throughout my life, and I've had coaches in different levels of business, I've had, like, coaches in my life, and I've realized the value of investing
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: in that, so if I can't, I will, or getting some kind of help, because trying to do it on your own takes a lot longer, and you may still get there, but it takes a lot longer, so it's really kind of reaching out for help, whether that's a friend, or…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: You know, a family member, or a coach, if you can afford to kind of hire someone to help you, you know, it's kind of finding where that space is of…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Like, reach out, have connection, you know, don't do it on your own.
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::Jacky Clarke: Yeah, I completely agree. Like, that whole community…
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::Jacky Clarke: I think that it is exactly where the world is going at the moment. People wanting to find…
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::Jacky Clarke: spaces where they feel connected, and for everyone, that looks different, like, you know, not everybody wants to, you know, do van life, or in my case, you know, not everyone wants to join a running community and go run. You know, everyone has their thing that they want to do, but I think it is finding like-minded people, finding that connection, having…
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::Jacky Clarke: A wider network of support outside of just the kind of core,
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::Jacky Clarke: it's something that I realized a lot, actually, when I…
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::Jacky Clarke: because we lived… we were obviously born in South Africa, lived in the UK for quite a while, and then we came back to South Africa.
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::Jacky Clarke: It was something that was really interesting for me, because…
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::Jacky Clarke: when I was in the UK, I really struggled to make friends, because everyone just had gone through school and had their friend group.
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::Jacky Clarke: or, you know, worked somewhere and had their friend group. Like, it was very much like everyone had a friend group, and it's very hard to then, like, just slot yourself into somebody else's friend group, like, as you kind of go through that process. I think it was so interesting.
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::Jacky Clarke: then moving back to South Africa, and moving back into my original friend group from school.
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::Jacky Clarke: And being like, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, like, this is really interesting, like, I just slotted back in, like, nothing had changed, like, I'd never been away, like, it was a really, really interesting concept, but then actually sitting back and being like, but do I actually need more?
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::Jacky Clarke: than just this friend group. Like, do I actually need more community? And I've actually gone out and actively built a new community around me.
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::Jacky Clarke: in that same thought process of, like, you know, I absolutely love the girls I went to school with, like, they're an incredible group of women.
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::Jacky Clarke: But it's hard for one group to serve all of the purposes that you need them to.
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::Jacky Clarke: I think a lot of people try and put all of that pressure on one group, or, you know, whether it's a family unit, or a friend unit, or, you know, whatever unit you're using. A lot of people put a lot of pressure on a single unit.
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::Jacky Clarke: So I think community is super important as you, as you go through this process. Okay, so final question for you then, and this is, I think, my favorite question of all of the… of all of the podcast questions.
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::Jacky Clarke: And that is the next level of healing for you. So, obviously, you've said to us, life has changed a lot recently for you, and the business is sort of reshaping as well at the moment. So, what is the next level of healing that you're going through?
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yes.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Resting, slowing down.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And listening inward, you know, to…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Less thinking, more feeling. That's a new phrase that… it's not my phrase, but it's something that's landed with me, and I'm like, yes, I've got to stop myself, breathe, obviously, and then go, that's just a thought, that's a thinking, this is a process, and really trying to get into that.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: acceptance in that place of, this is where I'm supposed to be right now, and also the… the… the breathwork stuff. I'm looking at doing…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: maybe smaller guided programs, little bite-sized chunks that I can kind of put out there for helping with things like COPD, asthma, stress, anxiety, and stuff, as well as the bigger workshops and things as well, so…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: kind of looking into that space, but that's more work-based. My own stuff is really just…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: you know, don't get too caught up in the work stuff, really just think of what's for me, and what do I need, what stillness do I need, what nature connection do I need, and…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: And be still, and allow the stillness, because we're very overstimulated in the world right now, and it's really easy just to pick up our phone, or look at something else, rather than just be in that boredom, or that stillness, or that frustration, and just go…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: This is a message, this is a lesson, there's something in this for me, and I'm trying really hard to get away from that constant thinking.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: We're feeling.
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh my gosh, yeah, absolutely. There's a,
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::Jacky Clarke: Hilariously, there's a thing on social media at the moment which talks about this boredom theory, and it's, it's something that feels really uncomfortable to me.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Really uncomfortable.
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::Jacky Clarke: You literally watch people, and they pop on a timer for 30 minutes, and then just sit and do nothing. And, it's a really, really interesting
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::Jacky Clarke: concept, because I think, like, for me, I think that's my next level of healing as well. Like, I absolutely love the whole rest and recovery.
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::Jacky Clarke: But I do very active rest.
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::Jacky Clarke: like, my wrist is always doing something, and just hearing you say, like, actually just the slowing down and, you know, less thinking, more feeling, like, it probably made me be like, oh, that's… oh, that's it, isn't it? Oh, here we go. So, maybe we'll be doing this together.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yes, definitely.
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::Jacky Clarke: This is the thing. Yeah, absolutely.
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::Jacky Clarke: It's,
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::Jacky Clarke: I do, I completely agree, though, that we are massively overstimulated in the world at the moment, and…
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::Jacky Clarke: Being able to unplug, or… Not use your phone as often, or, you know, just get back to…
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::Jacky Clarke: actually being bored. I genuinely can't remember the last time that I was bored.
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::Jacky Clarke: And I think that that's actually really bad for us, like, I think we should be bored more often. I think it's quite healthy, so…
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::Jacky Clarke: Yeah. Unusual. But yeah, once we kind of embrace it.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: It's like, okay, I'm bored, and that's okay to be bored.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: I started painting the other day, I found some acrylic paints on a pad, and I don't paint, really, but I just picked them up and started just making patterns on the paper, and thought.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: that looks terrible, but it felt good to do. It wasn't very artistic, but I was like, what does creativity mean? I always used to believe creativity meant you had to be a really good artist, or a really good…
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: some singer, or some dancer, or something, it's like, it's nothing to do with that. Creativity is just, you know, even if it's just walking in nature and bare feet, which is something I do actually like to do, so… hmm…
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::Jacky Clarke: Absolutely. I think creativity is expression, isn't it? It's nothing to do with the result. If you can…
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::Jacky Clarke: just be in the expression and not worry about the result. You can actually be truly creative. I think when you start worrying about the result, you're no longer creative.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yes, yes.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Yeah, definitely. I agree with that.
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::Jacky Clarke: Specifically.
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::Jacky Clarke: Oh my gosh, it's been such a… such an honor talking to you, and going through this process, and having you share your story. Thank you so much for being a guest on the podcast, and yeah, coming and sharing your story with us.
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::Nyx, The Breathwork Goddess: Thank you so much for having me, it's been great talking about it.
