For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Have you ever been in a calm conversation that suddenly turns tense before you even realise what happened? In this powerful episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores why defensiveness shows up so fast, how it quietly wrecks conversations and what you can do to stop it before conflict takes over.

Through a practical, real-world deep dive with AI co-hosts Jake and Sarah, you’ll learn how defensiveness isn’t a character flaw. It’s a reflex. And more importantly, how small, intentional shifts can transform arguments into moments of connection.

Key Takeaways:

1. Defensiveness is a reflex, not a flaw — it’s your nervous system trying to protect you.
2. Awareness is the first breakthrough: noticing physical cues like a tight jaw, racing thoughts, or chest tension gives you a chance to interrupt the reaction.
3. A three-second internal pause can stop conversations from collapsing into blame and escalation.
4. Partial responsibility — acknowledging even one valid point — helps the other person feel heard and instantly lowers conflict.
5. Empathy changes everything: most arguments aren’t about dishes, money, or timing — they’re about unmet emotional needs.
6. Long-term change happens when couples address communication patterns together, outside the heat of the moment.

If defensiveness has been sabotaging your conversations, especially with the people you care about most, this episode gives you practical tools you can start using immediately.

Links referenced in this episode:

1. angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management
2. angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Breaking the Anger Cycle
3. angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System

Have you ever been in a conversation that starts out calm, reasonable, maybe even hopeful, and then suddenly something inside you flips?

Your body tightens, your mind speeds up, and before you even know what you're saying, you're defending yourself, explaining, justifying, pushing back.

In that instant, the conversation collapses.

It's no longer about understanding each other.

It becomes about who's right and who's wrong.

If you're listening today, that means you're not wanting to keep reacting out of autopilot.

And it means that you're willing to look at why defensiveness keeps showing up and how it can turn connection into conflict in seconds.

Hello and welcome to episode 68 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught more than 15,000 men and women how to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier, and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my three decades of anger management experience with.

With the power of artificial intelligence to share some of the most effective tools I know.

Tools that genuinely help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, more peaceful lives.

Today, I've asked my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to explore why defensiveness shows up so quickly and how understanding how to change it is critical for creating healthy, respectful and long lasting relationships.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarise their conversation and show you how to start controlling your anger once and for all.

With that said, let's get started with today's deep dive.

Have you ever been in that moment, you're having a discussion with your partner, maybe a family member, and it starts.

Out fine, completely reasonable, right?

And they bring something up, maybe a small concern, and then you feel it, that spike.

Oh, yes, that's the physiological shift, the internal alarm bell going off.

It's instant, that white hot need to just defend yourself.

And right there, the discussion is over.

It collapses.

It absolutely does.

It's no longer a conversation, it's now an argument about who is right.

Exactly.

And this is a core pattern that can really damage even the strongest relationships.

Because defensiveness is fundamentally a protective reflex.

It's an automatic, almost primal response to feeling attacked.

So your brain doesn't know the difference between you didn't take out the trash and an actual physical flip in that split second.

No, it just perceives harm.

And its first job is to protect you, usually by, well, by lashing out or just dismissing the whole thing.

Okay, let's unpack this.

Our mission for this deep Dive is to find those entry points, those moments where you can intervene and break that cycle.

And we're looking for practical insights here.

Not just theory, things you can apply.

Immediately precisely because the consequences of not stopping it are huge.

When we get defensive, we.

We jump straight to making excuses or.

Blaming the other person, which is catastrophic.

If your partner says, I felt lonely last night, and you say, well, I had to work late, you've just shut them down.

You've shut them down and you've completely invalidated they're feeling.

They weren't attacking your work ethic, they were talking about their emotion.

And then they have to fight even harder just to feel heard.

You've guaranteed an escalation.

So if we know this is the roadblock, where do we start?

What's the foundational tool?

Well, from everything we've looked at, it's clear the entire solution rests on one thing first.

Awareness.

Awareness.

You can't change what you don't even realize you're doing.

That's it.

You cannot change your response until you are acutely aware of the moment that defense mechanism kicks in.

And that's hard because it means you have to look inward right when you want to lash out.

Okay, but here's where it gets really interesting.

It's one thing to say, be aware.

How do you do that?

What are, you know, the actual clues that tell you the spike is happening right now?

You have to become a detective of your own body.

It's not just in your head.

It has a physical signature.

What kind of signature?

You might feel a sudden heat creep up your neck or a tightening in your chest, your stomach.

Maybe you notice your jaw is clenched.

Or your mind starts racing, right?

Making a list of all the things they did wrong.

That's it.

Those are your flashing lights.

That's the signal.

So those physical cues, that's the start of what the material calls the internal pause.

That's the intervention point.

Exactly.

And it doesn't need to be long.

We're not talking about a five minute meditation, thank goodness.

Just a three second mental stop can be incredibly powerful.

The goal is just to interrupt that automatic loop.

So what do you do in those three seconds?

You can have a simple internal script, little mantra, something like, pause, listen first, or my favorite, stay calm, gather data.

Oh, I like that.

Gather data.

It takes the emotion out of it.

It turns it from an attack into an investigation.

It turns an involuntary reflex into a conscious choice.

Okay, so we've paused.

We've chosen not to lash out.

Now.

Now what?

How do we pivot to something constructive.

The next step is the pivot from self protection to accountability.

I know it means shifting your internal question from how can I prove I'm right?

To is there any part of this that I can take responsibility for?

That sounds incredibly hard.

Especially when you feel genuinely, fundamentally wrong.

You're saying I have to agree with the person who I feel just attacked me.

And that's the psychological hurdle we have to get over.

But we're talking about the power of partial agreement.

Partial agreement.

You're not saying you're right about everything.

I'm a terrible person.

Yeah.

Just looking for one kernel of truth in what they said, one thing you can validate.

Why does that work so well?

Because it instantly neutralizes the conflict.

You've removed their reason to fight.

They were fighting to be heard, and you just showed them you're listening.

Let's use that classic scenario, the one everyone can relate to.

The household chores complaint.

Perfect.

Your partner says you.

You barely helped with the cleanup this week.

I feel like I'm doing everything.

Okay, so the old response, the defensive one, is something like, that's ridiculous.

I cleaned the garage last month.

You never notice what I do do.

Total deflection.

It becomes a scoreboard.

And nobody wins that game.

So what's the new response?

The responsible one?

The new response finds the nugget of truth.

Maybe you were busy, but is it true they feel burdened?

Yeah.

Yes.

So you can say you're right.

I haven't been as present this week.

And I can see why you feel burdened.

What's one thing I could tackle right now that would help the most?

Wow.

That just.

It changes the entire energy of the room.

It goes from a fight to a team huddle.

Okay, but I have to play devil's advocate here for a second.

What if I agree with that one small thing and my partner hears, aha.

So you admit you're wrong about everything.

How do you stop that little olive branch from being used against you?

That's a really important question about boundaries.

Remember, you're shifting to problem solving.

If they try to expand it, you can hold your ground calmly.

You might say, I hear you, and I've agreed to step up on the dishes.

Let's focus on that for now and check in next week.

I want to get that right.

So you validate their point, but you also guide the solution.

You're still in control.

Absolutely.

It's a sophisticated strategy, not just giving in.

Okay, so taking that bit of responsibility calms our own system down.

And once we're calm, we can focus outward.

Which I think leads to the most powerful step of all.

True empathy.

Stepping into their shoes.

Yes.

It's the ability to move beyond your own defensiveness and try to understand your partner's emotional world.

To stop seeing their words as criticism and start seeing them as an expression of an unmet need.

Okay, let's use another example.

Maybe about money.

A partner says, why did you spend so much on that new gadget?

We agreed to save money.

The defensive part of my brain hears you're irresponsible.

Right.

But the empathetic lens forces you to look behind that.

What's the feeling they're actually expressing?

Probably anxiety or fear.

Exactly.

They might be feeling scared about the future or like they've lost control over your shared goals.

It's almost never about the gadget itself.

It's about the feeling underneath it.

It always is.

If we go back to the chores example, they're probably not just mad about the dishes.

They're likely feeling overwhelmed, tired, maybe deeply unappreciated.

When you respond to that feeling, you're protecting the relationship.

So what does that sound like?

Can you give us a script for responding with empathy in that moment?

The key is to start by just acknowledging the feeling.

You can say something like, I can hear the exhaustion in your voice and I see how frustrating this is for you.

That's not fair.

You're not even talking about your own actions yet.

Not at all.

You're just saying, I see your pain.

In the money example, it could be, I understand why that purchase made you feel anxious about our savings plan.

That immediately signals that you're on the same team.

It's an instant relationship builder.

It is because the person who felt unheard now feels seen.

And when people feel seen, they don't need to shout anymore.

These are incredible tools for the heat of the moment.

But what if this isn't just a one off argument?

What if a listener feels like they are constantly being criticized?

That exhaustion must make it so much harder to not be defensive.

That is a deeply important point.

Because defensiveness becomes a habit when you feel like you're always under attack.

You can't just drop your shield if you feel like you're constantly walking through a battlefield.

So you have to address the pattern itself.

But not in the middle of a fight.

Exactly.

You have to make fixing the communication a shared project.

So how do you even bring that up without starting another fight?

You do it when things are calm, maybe on a walk or just sitting together.

And you frame it with I statements.

The goal isn't to accuse, it's to collaborate.

What would that sound like?

A really good script is something like, hey, I've noticed that whenever we talk about money, I tend to get really defensive and I want to change that.

Can we work together on finding a better way to have these conversations so I can practice listening better?

Wow.

By starting with your own fault, you're not pointing a finger, you're inviting them to help you solve a we problem.

It's an absolute game changer.

But we also have to be realistic.

This isn't going to change overnight.

Breaking a habit that's maybe been there since childhood, that takes real effort.

It does.

The effort needs to be continuous.

But if you commit to these steps, the awareness, the partial responsibility, the empathy, your system will change.

And often when your partner sees you refusing to escalate, it gives them the safety to change their approach too.

So the change has to start with you.

That's the only part you can actually control.

It's the core truth of all of this.

Breaking these habits is a learnable skill.

It takes practice, but the payoff is a relationship built on real trust and communication.

That is a perfect place to wrap up this deep dive.

So we've covered the four core strategies.

First, building that acute awareness to catch the reaction.

Second, taking responsibility, even just a little bit to de escalate.

Third, practicing empathy to understand the feeling behind the words.

And finally, addressing the long term communication patterns as a team.

And if this has resonated with you and you're ready to go deeper and really master your emotions for calmer, more loving relationships.

The expert behind this material, Alistair, has some incredible resources.

That's right.

These include one on one coaching sessions and also a really comprehensive online course called the Complete Anger Management System.

It's all designed to help you with exactly these kinds of challenges.

You can find more information about all of these resources on the website angrysecrets.com it's really about taking control back from that defensive reflex.

And as you go into your next difficult conversation, just remember this final thought.

You can't control the criticism that comes your way, but you can absolutely control how you receive it.

And that choice is the foundation for all lasting change.

Thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into why defensiveness is wrecking your conversations helpful and thought provoking.

Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to revisit some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

Because these are small shifts that can make A big difference in real conversations, especially with the people you care about most.

First, Jake and Sarah talked about how defensiveness is not a character flaw, it's a reflex.

When your body tightens, your mind races, or you feel that urge to explain or justify, that's your nervous system trying to protect you.

The problem is, once that reflex kicks in, the conversation usually collapses.

Simply recognizing this is defensiveness gives you a chance to interrupt it before things escalate.

Second, Jake and Sarah emphasized the power of awareness and the internal pause.

Not a long break, just a few seconds to notice what's happening in your body and slow the reaction down.

That tiny pause creates space for choice, and choice is what stops arguments from spiraling.

Third, Jake and Sarah explored how taking even a small amount of responsibility can completely change the tone of a conversation.

You don't have to agree with everything or give up your position.

Just acknowledging one valid part of what the other person is saying is helps them feel heard.

And when people feel heard, they stop fighting to be understood.

And finally, Jake and Sarah talked about empathy, learning to listen for the feeling underneath the words.

Most complaints aren't really about dishes, money or timing.

They're about feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or unappreciated.

When you respond to the emotion rather than the accusation, conversations shift from conflict to collaboration.

Now remember too, that real change doesn't happen by just listening.

Real change happens when you start practicing these ideas in your everyday life.

So if something today stood out to you, take it, run with it and see what shifts.

And if you'd like help putting any of these ideas into practice, just Visit my website, angasecrets.com on this site you can access my free training Breaking the Anger Cycle or book a free 30 minute anger assessment call to talk with me about your situation.

And if you're ready to go deeper, explore the complete anger management system, the proven program thousands have used to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

I'd be honored to help you on your anger management journey.

Okay, that's it for today's episode.

If you enjoyed this deep dive, please follow the podcast and leave a short rating and review.

It helps others discover these tools and start their own anger management journey.

And finally, remember, you can't control what others say or do, but you can always control what you say and do.

And that's where your real power lies.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The anger management podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.