Do you seem to keep attracting the wrong partner? Is it bad luck or are unconscious relationship patterns shaping who you choose, trust, and love?

If dating or relationships feel like the same painful story with a different person playing the lead, your attachment style may be the reason. Insecure attachment can leave you terrified of abandonment, uncomfortable with intimacy, or repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable and toxic partners.

Clinical psychologist, attachment theory expert, and relationship coach Dr. Morgan Anderson joins Women Road Warriors hosts Shelley Johnson and Kathy Tuccaro to explain why we repeat unhealthy relationship patterns and how to break the cycle.

Dr. Morgan is the author of Love Magnet: Get Off the Dating Rollercoaster and Attract the Love You Deserve, creator of Empowered. Secure. Loved. and Dr. Morgan Coaching, and host of the top-rated podcast Let’s Get Vulnerable.

She understands toxic relationships personally. Before becoming a nationally recognized relationship expert, Dr. Morgan experienced betrayal, tolerated unhealthy relationships, and endured a situation so toxic that it resulted in a police report. She even walked away from a genuinely good relationship because the man liked baseball.

Dr. Morgan explains repetition compulsion, relational trauma, and the “blueprint for love” created by our earliest relationships. You’ll learn why red flags can initially resemble chemistry, why emotionally unavailable partners can feel irresistible, and why healthy love sometimes feels unfamiliar.

Discover:

• How attachment styles influence whom you choose
• Why you repeat toxic relationship patterns
• How to recognize red flags and trauma-driven attraction
• Why you may push emotionally safe partners away
• How dating for validation damages self-worth
• How to develop secure attachment
• How to heal after a breakup
• What emotionally safe, reciprocal love looks like

Your past may have shaped your attachment style, but it does not have to determine your future. Listen now and learn how to stop being a magnet for the wrong people and attract the healthy love you deserve.

www.drmorgancoaching.com

Let's Get Vulnerable podcast on Apple and Spotify

Instagram @drmorgancoaching

www.womenroadwarriors.com

www.womenspowernetwork.net

attachment styles, toxic relationships, dating advice, relationships, Dr. Morgan Anderson, Women Road Warriors, Shelley Johnson, Kathy Tuccaro

This is Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.

From the corporate office to the cab of a truck, they're here to inspire and empower women in all professions.

So gear down, sit back, and enjoy.

Welcome.

We're an award winning show dedicated to empowering women in every profession through inspiring stories and expert insights.

No topics off limits.

On our show, we power women on the road to success with expert and celebrity interviews and information you need.

I'm Shelley.

And I'm Kathy.

How has your luck been in dating?

Not so good.

What if the reason you keep attracting the wrong relationships isn't bad luck, but a pattern you were never taught how to break?

Our guest today knows that cycle intimately because she lived it.

Before she became a leading voice in relationship psychology.

Dr. Morgan Anderson found herself stuck in the same painful loops so many women experience.

Tolerating unhealthy relationships, discovering betrayal, and even facing a situation so toxic that it led to a police report.

At one point, she even walked away from a truly good relationship over something as small as a guy liking baseball.

But instead of staying stuck, she made a powerful decision to understand why.

That decision led her to become a clinical psychologist, an attachment theory expert, and a nationally recognized relationship coach who now helps women completely transform the way they love and are loved.

She's the author of Love Magnet, get off the dating roller coaster and attract the love you deserve, the creator of the empowered, secure loved program, and Dr. Morgan coaching and host of the top rated podcast let's get Vulnerable.

Today she's helping women break free from self doubt, heal from past relationship wounds, and finally attract the kind of love that's secure, reciprocal, emotionally safe and real.

If you've ever wondered why you keep ending up in the same relationship patterns or how to finally call in the love you truly deserve, this conversation is going to hit home.

Kathy and I are so excited.

Welcome, Dr. Morgan.

Thank you for being on the show with us.

Thank you, Shelly and Kathy.

I'm so honored to be here.

Thank you, thank you.

Vice versa.

We're honored to have you.

You know, you're quite the lady and you're helping so many women.

And your insights comes from personal experience.

You've been there, done that, and got the t shirt.

How did you turn all of this around and what did you experience?

Well, you.

You gave such a lovely intro that really captured a lot of my story.

I think like so many people who find themselves in the field of clinical psychology, it all started for me with early childhood trauma.

Um, I did lose my mom at a young age.

And really from age 6 on, there was a lot of chaos in my family life.

And I just started to develop really unhealthy beliefs about myself from a very young age.

And I started to develop very unhealthy relationship patterns.

Even the people I had crushes on in middle school, there was already unhealthy things happening at a young age.

And then as I progressed in my life, life and I kept having relationship after relationship, it was that, that realization that it wasn't a different relationship, it was the same relationship every time, but with a different person.

Though I, I tell my clients sometimes it's like you're dating the same guy, but they just have a different haircut.

That was me.

I was repeating the pattern over and over and the pattern got worse and worse and worse until I did find myself in a relationship with a narcissist.

And that was my second year of my clinical psychology degree, getting my doctorate.

And just as you mentioned, that relationship ended in a near death experience for me where I was filing a police report.

And I remember sitting in the lobby of my apartment building filing this police report and I had this out of body experience and watching myself do this.

And I went, this is not me.

This cannot be me.

I don't know how I will continue in my life if, if I continue these patterns.

And it was that rock bottom moment.

And from that moment on I decided I'm going to understand how to have a healthy relationship.

I'm going to research it, I'm going to figure it out and do whatever it takes.

I'm going to at least try to learn about it and understand it.

And then that's when I threw myself into researching attachment theory, understanding attachment styles, understanding our relational trauma and the impact on our romantic relationships and adulthood.

And I, I threw myself into it.

And I will be honest with you, I really learned it on an academic and a logical level before I did the deeper work and actually internally shifted, which I think so many people understand.

You can learn so much logically, but it probably took me about a decade before I actually really rewired my brain, learned how to embody secure attachment in my nervous system, and began to attract healthy, emotionally available partners.

And I would say about the third or fourth healthy relationship that I had was my now husband.

So once I really healed and I was embodying secure attachment, it really didn't take me that long to meet my now husband.

But we have been together now over five years and it's so good and it's so, I, I am so grateful That I can be in the kind of relationship that is safe, where I feel fully chosen, where we have trust, where we have secure attachment.

And going through this process myself, it has just empowered me and emboldened me to help as many people as possible who have had past relational trauma, who think that, oh, just never going to happen for me, it's just not the case, and that my goal is to just help as many people as possible get to that place where they can have a secure, healthy relationship, the kind of relationship that they've always deserved.

You must be a busy lady, but I'd say half the world is.

It's true.

If you look at attachment style data, it's about half.

Half of the world has anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style.

Wow.

Bravo to what you're doing and the fact that you were able to turn things around.

You know, I think a lot of women blame themselves when they keep running amok with the wrong partner.

They kind of consider themselves a jerk magnet or something.

You know, it's like, how do these people find us and what is wrong with us?

That's what we keep saying to ourselves, don't we?

Yes.

Yes.

And when you stay in that belief pattern and you're blaming yourself and you're staying in shame, and I was there for so long, I was embarrassed to introduce anyone I was dating to my friends or family because I knew it wasn't right and I knew the relationship would end.

I had so much shame around my dating life.

So I. I know that story very well.

And unfortunately, that shame and blaming yourself, it just keeps you stuck.

Because the only way to break those patterns is to get to awareness and to actually revisit your root relational trauma so that you can then have healing, compassion and you can.

You can let go of those old patterns.

But blaming yourself and blaming the dating scene just actually keeps you stuck in your old patterns.

I'd heard the theory, and I don't know if this is something that you cover, that the reason a lot of people do this is because they're trying to repair what was wrong when they were children.

Oh, yes.

I have a lot of.

A lot of time spent on this.

There's.

Have you heard the term repetition compulsion?

No.

No, I haven't.

No.

Okay, so two words, repetition.

Right.

Repeating and then compulsion.

Something you don't have control over.

It's a compulsion.

And this theory that has been so true in myself and in my work, and there's research to back this up, but it's that you are seeking out Partners that match your childhood relational trauma or your childhood unfinished business is another way to say it.

And what we do, unconsciously, of course, we seek these people out because we go, okay, if I can recreate a dynamic that was so painful to me in my childhood, but I can recreate it now, and then this time, I'll get a different result.

And for a lot of people, this could look like they grew up, they had the father that wasn't present, that wasn't really curious about them, wasn't emotionally available, wasn't attuned.

So in their adult dating life, they're seeking out the unavailable man, the avoidantly attached man, and they're going, if I can just get this man to love me, then it's going to mean that I'm finally enough.

I'm enough.

And it's going to make up for all of that past relational trauma that I experienced, and it'll heal those wounds.

And.

And then this is why, when that doesn't happen, because guess what?

Right?

It never works out.

It's like insanity doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.

So you, in your.

Your repetition compulsion, that relationship ends, that.

That avoidant man didn't choose you, and it feels like you're dying.

Like the breakup is so painful.

And I'll tell you why.

It's because it's not just about that guy that you broke up with.

It's about your dad.

It's about every other relationship that you chose with an unavailable person that you couldn't get them to love you.

And that's why it's so painful.

So, yeah, this.

I have a whole.

In the program.

I have.

We have a whole section on repetition compulsion and breaking this pattern.

It is.

It is so, so important.

And I wish more people knew about this.

I might have to take your programs.

Stay tuned for more of Women Road warriors coming up.

Dean Michael, the tax doctor here.

I have one question for you.

Do you want to stop worrying about the irs?

If the answer is yes, then look no further.

I've been around for years.

I've helped countless people across the country, and my success rate speaks for itself.

So now you know where to find good, honest help with your tax problems.

What are you waiting for?

Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.

If you're enjoying this informative episode of Women Road Warriors, I wanted to mention Kathy and I explore all kinds of topics that will power you on the road to success.

We feature a lot of expert interviews, plus we feature celebrities and women who've been trailblazers.

Please check out our [email protected] and click on our Episodes page.

We're also available wherever you listen to podcasts on all the major podcast channels like Spotify, Apple, YouTube, Amazon, Music, Audible, you name it.

Check us out and bookmark our podcast.

Also, don't forget to follow us on social media.

We're on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, YouTube and other sites.

And tell others about us.

We want to help as many women as possible.

We're talking with relationship expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Morgan Anderson, who's the host of the popular podcast let's Get Vulnerable about why love can sometimes feel like the same painful story with a different person playing the lead.

But here's the hopeful your past relationships don't have to predict your future.

You don't need to repeat them over and over.

You can attract healthy, emotionally available partners.

You don't have to be a jerk magnet.

You can develop a healthy attachment style and attract really neat people.

Dr. Morgan, in our last segment, you were describing something called repetition compulsion, where we actually are drawn to familiar people that mirror the destructive relationships we may have had as children or previously in our lives because we're seeking out ways to prove to ourselves we can really be accepted by this kind of person.

Does this happen in the subconscious mind?

I think if we consciously knew we were doing this, we'd look in the mirror and go, what the heck is wrong with me?

You know?

Yeah, I know.

It's, it's your subconscious, it's your subconscious brain.

And what I find so fascinating is you, you could go, you know, talking about these wounds.

You could go into a room with 99 securely attached, emotionally available people.

But there's that one avoidant person that doesn't quite have capacity to love you.

Well, and guess who you're going to be attracted to if you haven't healed this, this, you know, repetition compulsion.

You're going to find that one person and you're going to be like a moth to the flame to them because they, they fit your pattern.

They, they fit what your nervous system knows to be true about love.

And they also help you with that core desire of trying to heal your, your past relational trauma by having a different outcome of your present.

You know, some of these people can be chameleons, though.

They can come out and be so nice and so wonderful.

Like the narcissist.

Like you said, you were involved with a narcissist.

We don't see it coming.

No, we don't.

And the more that we do our inner work and the more that we become securely attached, we start to see it so much sooner.

When I work with clients and they talk about Dr. Morgan, I only went out on three dates with that guy, and the.

The past version of me would have dated him for three years.

You know, then I know, okay, we're.

We're healing.

So the.

The more that you can move towards secure attachment, the less time you'll invest with people that.

That don't have capacity to love you.

So is the process getting to know ourselves better, too?

And maybe developing more confidence?

Because all of this just seems so insidious and so elusive.

We get to the point where it's like, you know, I'm not even going to date anymore.

I can't trust myself.

Can I just say something real quick?

Sure.

When I. Dr. Morgan, my past comes from a very volatile upbringing.

Ever since I've been knee high.

And so all my relationships were all very violent, you know, very physical, very abusive.

Just, you know, I should be dead 10 times over.

So fast forward to the age 40.

I ended up in treatment for this.

Women's program for a couple years off.

And on, and it was only then did I know, did I learn to unlearn what my brain had been fed for years.

And all of a sudden, it's that rewiring of.

Oh, my gosh.

Right.

And so it was from that time recognizing my own inner patterns and learning to change that.

That.

That whole thought process and learning to love myself strong enough to not follow old patterns that are drawing me.

That string that's pulling you.

Right.

I'm like, yeah, no, don't go there.

And so that has significantly helped me in my relationships now.

And I'm assuming for a lot of domestic violence women or people that are in domestic violence situations, it's a cycle.

Right.

And I had to break that cycle within myself, first and foremost.

Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that, Kathy.

I really appreciate you opening up.

I know there's so many people that relate to.

To that story and, yeah.

Surviving domestic violence and getting out of it, There is this process of unlearning the lies that you were told that were used to control and manipulate you, frankly.

Right.

And really, when I think about all relational Trauma.

If we, if we look at the core, that's such a key part of it.

We have to unlearn the lies that we started to believe about ourselves.

Because if you look at those lies, they were designed to keep you in the relationship.

Right.

And when you're, when you're, when you're a child or even in a domestic violence dynamic, you feel like, oh, it's like getting out of that relationship, it's like cutting off a limb.

You're, you're so attached.

And especially as children.

Right.

We need our parents for survival.

We need them for survival.

So we have to believe whatever we're required to believe about ourselves so that that relationship can be maintained.

Yeah, because it, because we need it.

So if I have to believe, well, I'm not enough.

I'm not that important.

You know, my parents needs are more important and that's why they never check in on me and see how I'm doing.

I will believe whatever I have to believe to maintain that relationship.

So really, I believe as an adult, as an individuated adult, no longer dependent on a parent for survival, we have to ask ourselves, what are those beliefs that I'm carrying around that are not serving me and that are attracting you people to me that don't belong in my life and also maintaining relationships that I should have never been in in the first place?

So you said that people seeking out very destructive relationships, essentially it's as high as what, 50%?

Is there relational trauma with that many kids growing up?

That's.

Thank you for clarifying that.

Because it's, it's 50% of people who have an insecure attachment style.

So it's not necessarily abusive relationships.

However, it's such a spectrum.

You know, you can have an anxious attachment style and be in a relationship with an avoidantly attached person.

And that can of course cause a level of emotional distress and maybe emotional abuse.

But it's, it's so interesting, right?

What, what do we really label as toxic?

But, but yeah, there's 50% of the population that does not have a secure attachment style.

Right.

So people that are either terrified of intimacy or terrified of being abandoned or a combination of the both, that is 50% of the population.

Wow.

Wow.

So does it start in childhood where maybe parenting, maybe parents need to go to a class so they don't do this to their kids.

Yes, it does start in childhood.

Yes.

And I, I, because I love this question because it doesn't get talked about enough.

It starts in childhood and your early romantic relationships and subsequent significant Relationships.

So even friend relationships, sibling relationships, any significant relationships in your life will also impact your attachment style.

Okay.

And we all know that children can be really mean to each other.

So maybe you could have very healthy parents and parents that have healthy parenting, but then you encounter some real doozies when you're in school.

And even siblings, right?

Oh, siblings can be mean, too.

Oh, there's.

There's sibling trauma that doesn't get talked about.

One of my favorite clients, I. I know I probably shouldn't say I have favorite clients, but we all do.

Anyways, one of the women I just adored working with, you know, her root relational trauma was actually her first boyfriend when she was 16 years old.

Came from a wonderful loving family, secure family, had secure attachment style.

And it was that first young relationship that.

That she had.

And.

And that had been the template and caused her to develop an insecure style in her adult life.

So it really is interesting.

Every person is unique when we look at their.

It's something called their relationship inventory.

I do this with all my clients.

When we look at the inventory, everyone is unique as to where their blueprint for love came from.

Stay tuned for more of Women Road warriors coming up.

Dean Michael, the tax doctor here.

I have one question for you.

Do you want to stop worrying about the irs?

If the answer is yes, then look no further.

I've been around for years.

I've helped countless people across the country, and my success rate speaks for itself.

So now you know where to find good, honest help with your tax problems.

What are you waiting for?

Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.

We're back with Dr. Morgan Anderson.

She's the author of Love Magnet, get off the dating rollercoaster and attract the love you deserve.

She's also the creator of the Empowered Secure loved program and the host of the let's get vulnerable podcast.

She's a relationship expert who empowers women.

Now, when it comes to relationships, we've all heard someone say, why didn't she see the red flags?

But when you're emotionally invested, red flags don't always look red.

Sometimes they look like chemistry, excitement, or even potential.

And then we find out we were wrong.

But we could be dealing with relational trauma and something called repetition compulsion.

It can Be fixed once we heal.

The facts are we're conditioned to how and who we love based on our past relationships, especially when we were kids.

Dr. Morgan, we've covered just some of how our past influences our attachment styles and the people we seek out.

You called it a blueprint for love.

And when you think about it, all of that with imprinting.

I mean, we do, we have imprinting.

It shapes us, it shapes our perceptions of ourselves.

And all of this, it's in the back of our mind.

I think our mind absorbs everything, doesn't it?

The subconscious.

Every single second we're on this earth and we don't realize what it's doing.

Yes.

And it's just so important to think about.

You know, I do this with my clients to think about, well, how do you want to feel when, what would your ideal relationship actually be like?

You know, do you want to feel emotionally safe and adored and desired and taken care of and like you can be your full authentic self?

We, we have to start connecting to what, what we really want and, and what could be possible for us because otherwise we're just going to stay in the model that we were given.

Your.

Your brain is so lazy that way.

It just, it has a model and it wants the environment to conform to that model.

So we have to really intentionally disrupt the model and create something new.

You know, I've even known of some women that had a really, really nice guy and they've been so used to having chaotic relationships that they create the chaos themselves.

Have you dealt with that?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Myself personally, as you mentioned, when I broke up with a guy because he liked baseball and this was when I was still trying to heal my disorganized attachment style.

And it was this emotionally available, wonderful guy.

A few dates and uh, yeah, I just had to justify.

I. I had to.

I couldn't find any reason to break up with him and I had to find a reason.

And I had just decided it was cuz he liked baseball and I didn't want to go to baseball games.

And you know, you can look at that and go, wow, that's so insane.

But at the time it was.

That's what I had to do for survival, for myself.

I had to distance myself from him because it did not feel safe to be chosen to be loved, to have someone actually do what they say they're going to do.

Be calm.

The stability, the emotional availability felt terrifying to me because it did not match what I knew to be true about love.

It wasn't your comfort zone.

No.

And I See so many people, it breaks my heart.

You know, in the dating scene, I, I think they'll talk about, well, I just have high, high standards or, well, I just want someone that's like this and has that.

And it really, it can be this way of, of distancing ourselves and finding reasons to push people away because unfortunately there's so many people that are not comfortable with closeness, that are not comfortable with being chosen, that, that are not able to receive emotional availability and they're not emotionally available themselves.

So then, you know, you have this dating culture where people are complaining about, oh, there's all this swiping and we connect on the apps, but then we never actually meet up.

There's just a lot of people who aren't aware of themselves and they're not, they're not aware of how they're showing up and they're, they're not able to get close to people.

And I, I think it does create a lot of frustration in the dating world.

Well, online dating is an anomaly all in and of itself.

I mean, it's rather deceptive.

There's so much of our communication that's non verbal.

You're really not getting the true essence of people when you're trying to get to know them online or on an app, they can look a whole lot different.

With AI, you have no idea at all what you're getting involved with.

I can say, yep, I've done a few, went on a few coffee dates.

And go, oh my gosh, no, what you look like.

I didn't say that out loud, but.

Inside, you know, yeah, it can be the wild, wild west out there.

Can it?

I mean, it must been from what I hear from my clients.

And I always tell people that dating apps, they are not meant to be a relationship building tool.

They're just an opportunity creation tool.

You just look at it as, oh, it's an opportunity.

And then really just as you said, get, go to coffee, you know, get, get off the dating app, go to coffee and drop your expectations and just be curious.

But yeah, obviously if someone's not in alignment with what their profile says, that is definitely a red flag about integrity and authenticity.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you could even be introduced by friends and go out on a date with somebody and it's like, huh,.

Really?

Oh my.

So I remember this really nice guy that I, I think I went out with him twice and the second time I decided no.

He says, you know, he said you could use tools in your dreams.

I said, what?

He said, he said, what he, he said you could actually incorporate tools in your dreams.

He said, I do.

I said, what do you do exactly?

He said, well, I bring hammers and in screwdrivers to bed and then I incorporate them into my dream.

And I thought that sounds like a dangerous person.

No, that's okay.

That's a new one.

I haven't heard anything like that.

Me neither.

Actually.

I thought I don't want to be bonked in the head or something in the future.

But yeah, I mean, dating, it, I think for a lot of women it's, it's kind of like going back to high school because some of the things that they encounter, it's, it's a high school game.

Chase me, chase me.

And all of this emotional effort, I mean it's exhausting and it can really destroy you and really sidetrack you.

Especially if you're involved with the wrong person.

Yes.

And especially if you are basing your self worth on external validation.

Which means, you know, wow, I only feel good when they're texting me back or I'm, I only feel good about myself when he asks for date number two.

You know, and that's why I think dating is so painful for people because they're, they're using it as, oh, this will tell me if I'm enough.

When in reality your self worth cannot be connected to your dating life.

Stay tuned for more of Women Road Warriors.

Coming up,.

Industry movement Trucking moves America forward is telling the story of the industry.

Our safety safety champions the women of trucking, independent contractors, the next generation of truckers and more.

Help us promote the best of our industry.

Share your story and what you love about trucking.

Share images of a moment you're proud of and join us on social media.

Learn more at truckingmovesamerica.com.

Welcome back to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.

We're having an eye opening conversation with Dr. Morgan Anderson about creating love that feels secure, reciprocal and emotionally safe.

And I love this question.

What if finding the right relationship isn't about becoming more attractive, more accommodating, more or more perfect?

What if it begins with believing you no longer have to audition for love and you can find a safe partner?

Dr. Morgan is an expert in this area and she empowers women everywhere to break free from old relational habits and unhealthy attachment styles.

People learn how to not push healthy people away.

Dr. Morgan, you'd said in our previous segment that dating can be painful because sometimes people are using it for self validation or, or to tell them that they're enough.

You can't base your self worth on that.

Or you could be crushed.

When you get involved with toxic people, there's some people that like to play the games.

It's like, well, I'm not going to call her back, I'm not going to text her.

I'll just let her hang.

And you do you obsess.

And it's like, why didn't I hear back what's going on?

You know there's radio silence.

Yes.

And, and I think some of the work of becoming securely attached is when you don't get that text back and you're going, oh my gosh, it's that redirect to, well, what is this data telling me about this person and telling me about how I feel in this relationship?

Is this how I want to feel?

And is, is this the kind of partner that I want?

And you're, you know, you're gathering data.

I tell my clients, you're the love scientist.

You're seeing how you feel, you're learning about this person.

And you, you don't say, oh, he didn't text me back, I guess he must not like me or I think there's something wrong with me.

You know, you, you gather the data like a scientist.

My mother always says before you, you start doubting yourself on, based on what other people say.

She says, take a close look at.

The source, you know, so don't basically, you know, look at where it's coming from, you know, and you don't need to feel judged or by what somebody thinks.

And to.

I think the bottom line is your foundation.

You have to be able to build it based on your own self awareness and not on what other people are throwing at you.

And I learned this only after the age of 40, after, after learning about boundaries.

And I'm like, what?

I could say no, like, huh.

So, yeah, so that self awareness is key.

Absolutely, yes.

And if they're not texting me back and then my initial thought is, oh, something's wrong with me, I'm not enough.

Maybe I'm not pretty enough.

I think we have to say, whoa, where is that coming from?

And for a lot of us, it's, it's our, our wounded inner child.

It's our past relational trauma speaking.

It's that part of us that felt like, ooh, I have to do something, change something about myself in order to not be abandoned.

Right.

We, we have to have awareness about, hey, that's not based in reality.

That's actually just based in past relational trauma.

But that takes a lot of delving, doesn't it, to get those, get through all of those layers.

Well, I guess I've, I've always been somewhat of a nerd, if you will, in this way of.

I just always, from a young age I've always wanted to ask those deeper questions and I guess that's why I'm in the right career, isn't it?

Because, because yeah, a lot of us, we need, we need help to start asking those questions.

It's painful, it's a lot.

We, we will avoid it.

We'll watch Netflix or scroll on social media.

We don't want to ask those questions.

We don't want to do that.

Stealth inquiry, you know, that that is required.

So, so I do think that's kind of when go talk to someone, go pay someone and you know, sit, sit with them and be forced to start looking at these things.

But it's amazing once you do, you know, even Kathy was talking about how much she's changed.

It's like once you do have some self awareness and you know some of your patterns and the roots of things, you just start to see things so much more easily and your, your life really can change pretty quickly.

It's like getting a new set of glasses when you didn't know you needed them.

Exactly.

Well said Shelly.

Exactly, Shelly.

And, and that's actually based in neuroscience.

It's based in neuroscience, based on salience.

You know, our brain noticing what really fits with our patterns.

When we change internally, our external world changes as well.

And I mean I, I work with women in a three month program and they are different people on the other side of that three months.

And you know, that's, that's what keeps me going is get, getting to see that.

Um, but I think sometimes we think it's like, oh, this is going to take me a decade in therapy or it's going to be so painful I'm not going to be able to handle it.

I, there's no way I could revisit my past.

But if you knew, like, yeah, okay, I got to do some digging under the hood.

I need to do some deep diving, understand myself more.

But I could be a different person.

I could be showing up completely differently, attracting different people into my life within a few months if I was willing to look at these things.

I mean, wouldn't, wouldn't you do that?

I just think it's so worthwhile.

Well, and it benefits the rest of your life too because if you have a pattern where you attract the wrong kind of people, in your personal relationships, that's going to impact your work as well and how you relate to people there, wouldn't it?

I mean, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it can really undermine your success.

Your attachment style and your relational trauma is showing up in every part of your life, whether you want to acknowledge that or not.

So there's that piece is that your attachment style is showing up everywhere.

And then we know this, the research supports this, that your primary relationship, your, your relationship with a romantic partner, if that is, you know, unhealthy or causing emotional distress, emotionally draining, you, you are definitely going to be impacted in other areas of your life such as your career, not being able to show up how you want to at work and also your physical health, your well being.

So it's, it, it has a huge impact on your life.

You know, the quality of your relationships is the quality of your life.

I, I really, really believe that.

And if you're a parent, it's going to impact how you parent too.

I mean, you're just going to continue a pattern, right?

Yes.

A lot of the women I work with, I love to witness that's one of the big motivators that they have is their kids.

And they say, you know, it may be over for me, which it's not.

But this is just what they say, right?

It may be over for me, but I need to change so that I can show up differently for my kids and that my kids can learn how to be securely attached so that they can go on and have healthy relationships.

So a lot of women, if they won't do it for themselves, they will do it for their children.

And it does, it has an absolute impact on their kids.

So all of this is very positive.

I think maybe all of us could benefit from this.

Now, your book, Love Magnet.

Get off the dating roller coaster and attract the love you deserve.

How do we attract the love we deserve?

Basically going through these steps.

Essentially.

Yeah.

I know we've talked about a lot today in terms of different, different aspects of what's required.

If I had to sum it up, you know, the first step is awareness.

We have to have awareness.

We have to be able to go revisit the root trauma that, you know, I talked about the relationship inventory.

It's absolutely required and that's painful and it's just we have to do it.

And then the second step is beliefs and really rewiring your brain.

Like we have to look at your belief system, see what is no longer serving you and get rid of those beliefs about yourself and beliefs about relationships.

That are maintaining the kind of relationships that you don't want.

So rewiring your belief system.

And then the third step that we haven't talked about as much today but is absolutely necessary is learning how to embody secure attachment and have a regulated nervous system.

So getting out of that fight or flight zone, staying in your calm, secure, confident, regulated nervous system.

And then finally, the fourth step is skills is learning how to pace your emotional investment, not to go too quick early stages of dating, how to navigate conflict in a securely attached way.

My clients love that.

They're like, where has this been all my life?

Learn learning how to show up in a relationship and communicate and have assertive, secure communication.

All of these skills are really important.

But notice it's the final step because without those first three, the skills won't matter.

So I think a lot of people, they try to focus on skills, but they, they don't do the internal work that then supports those skills.

But yeah, that to me, after helping, you know, over a thousand people.

People do this, that is the process that.

That works.

That's amazing.

I can see why you're helping a ton of people.

You do.

You also have something called the breakup academy on how to get over an ex.

That's huge.

Because when you break up with somebody, that's just like, oh, man, it's like somebody just ran you over with a big truck or a big train or something, you know?

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Yeah, I, I love that we have that available because when you are in that place, you really need it.

So it's.

It's a really helpful thing to go through if you're needing to get to that place where, okay, my ex is no longer taking up all of the space in my brain and I can have forgiveness and I can let that relationship go.

And I need to be able to get to this place where I have a blank slate moving forward and I can start to get excited about dating again.

That's.

That's what I help people do with the breakup academy.

Yeah, because it's easy when you're breaking up or you have broken up.

The people live rent free in your head and you go over and over and over all kinds of scenarios.

Right.

I should said this or this should.

Have happened or why did I do this?

Or.

Yeah, we become obsessed.

You know, exercise is a good way to distract yourself, I find.

Yes.

There's.

There's all kinds of coping and that.

And I do talk about that in the breakup academy in terms of come back to yourself.

Build.

Build the habits that Take care of you.

And you know we're from alcohol.

Right.

Stay away from the bars and all that stuff.

Stuff, yeah, exactly.

Stay away from numbing.

And that's another thing.

The secure breakup means that you actually grieve, that you actually feel the feelings.

Right.

So it's less about distraction and more about how do we sit with ourselves and grieve and feel through things and then intentionally move forward and create a new foundation.

Yeah, that's.

And how much chocolate can I eat?

Actually, I heard that chocolate interacts in our brain much like love does.

Had you heard that, Dr. Morgan?

Yes.

The dopamine impact of chocolate is real.

It's a real thing.

Yes.

So, Dr. Morgan, you offer so many things.

You've got this really awesome podcast, let's Get Vulnerable.

Where can people find that?

And what do you talk about on the podcast?

Thanks for asking.

Yeah.

The podcast is over 680 some episodes on everything we've talked about today with, with a big focus on attachment styles and understanding your attachment style and how it's impacting you.

But there's, I mean, wow, there's, there's a lot there.

So if you liked this interview, you'll love the podcast.

And it, it is available everywhere podcasts are aired.

Just search.

Let's Get Vulnerable.

And people can actually work with you.

Do you work with people online or remotely?

I do, I do, yes.

I, Yes, I have a few ways to do that.

We have our program that I described to you, that four step program.

So very involved in that.

And then I also do a very limited amount of what I call VIP intensives where I work with people one on one high touch for about a three to four month period.

And I help them get to that place where they're, they're either in a healthy, securely attached relationship or they are actively attracting the kind of partner that they've always wanted that.

So I do that as well.

I'm, I love my clients.

I love what I do.

I'm just forever.

I wake up with so much gratitude, honestly, that, that this is the work that I get to do.

It's, it's really rewarding.

You're just amazing all around.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Well, you ladies are amazing with this show and wow.

Getting to interview people.

And this is one of the best interviews I think I've been on.

Thank you.

Shelly's a rock star.

She rocks.

Oh.

So is Kathy.

Thank you, Kathy.

And thank you, Dr. Morgan.

This has been a treat.

So, Dr. Morgan, where do people find you?

What is your website?

Yeah, so you can connect with me either on Instagram.

The handle is Dr. Morgan coaching, Dr. Morgan coaching.

Or my website is just Dr. Morgan coaching company.

Okay, well, people definitely need to check you out as well as your podcast.

Let's Get Vulnerable.

I have learned a ton talking to you today.

Well, I really enjoyed it and I do hope that it helps some of your listeners.

And.

And once again, it's just that awareness and that compassion and, you know, I really want to make sure everyone knows that it is never too late to become securely attached.

One of my recent clients was 70 when she came to me and she finally healed her childhood relational trauma that she'd been carrying around forever.

And she is happily dating people now and having the most emotionally available, secure dating life that, you know, she would have never thought was possible.

So she's such an inspiration to me and it really is never, never too late.

You're awesome, Dr. Morgan.

Thank you so much for being on the show.

Thanks for having me.

This has been a pleasure.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

If you're getting value from our show, Women Road warriors, be sure to hit follow on Apple Podcasts or Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts so you don't miss out on what's coming next.

We hope you've enjoyed this latest episode.

And if you want to hear more episodes of Women Road warriors or learn more about our show, be sure to check out womenroadwarriors.com and please follow us on social media.

And don't forget to subscribe to our podcast on our website.

We also have a selection of podcasts just for women.

They're a series of podcasts from different podcasters.

So if you're in the mood for women's podcasts, just click the Power network tab on womenroadwarriors.com youm'll have a variety of shows to listen to anytime you want to.

Podcasts Made for Women Women Road warriors is on all the major podcast channels like Apple, Spotify, Amazon, Audible, YouTube and others.

Check us out and please follow us wherever you listen to podcasts.

Thanks for listening.

You've been listening to Women Road warriors with Shelly Johnson and Kathy Tucaro.

If you want to be a guest on the show or have a topic or feedback, email [email protected].