Description: While tech bros harvest young blood and choke down $500 Himalayan smoothies, Japanese grandmas are outliving them by simply eating fish and walking to the market. From parabiosis treatments that make vampires look honest to Bryan Johnson's $2 million attempt to look 18 with the dead eyes of existential dread, we're witnessing history's most expensive fear of death.

Spice Index: 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️

Silicon Valley bros aren't afraid of death—they're afraid of irrelevance. Turns out creating addictive tech that destroyed human connection left them feeling empty! Now they're pumping college kids' blood like it's premium unleaded while the rest of us are busy having actual lives. Their $2M anti-aging regimens just prove money can buy everything except self-awareness.