Another ScreamQueenz Classic episode has escaped from the Crypt, and oh, boy! This one is a doozy.

Debuting as part of Episode 114 on August 8, 2014. THE SCORNED (2005) is notorious for three reasons-

1. We're discussing perhaps the worst film ever covered on ScreamQueenz in our entire sixteen-year history.
2. It's regarded as one of our most hilarious episodes.
3. Most importantly, it was the first appearance of our most popular guest host couple, ALLISON NOWACKI and BRYAN POLK.

THE SCORNED (2005) was the first-ever horror movie to be entirely cast with reality tv stars from BIg Brother, The Real World, Survivor, etc. It was created for the KILL REALITY show on E! which documented the making of the movie kind of like PROJECT GREENLIGHT but for skanks.

In THE SCORNED, a group of twentysomethings move into a Malibu beach house. but their lusty antics incur the wrath of an "avenging angel" intent of ridding the world of cuckolds and cheaters.

You can expect-

1. Hot Tubs From Hell
2. Topless Racist Peanut Butter Cup Eating
3. Stolen Nachos
4. Lascivious Lava Lamps
5. Johnny Fairplay's Copious Skidmarks
6. Dicks in Jars
7. One HELL of a hilarious listening experience!

THE SCORNED is currently out of print & unavailable for streaming or purchase. However, you might try this Google Drive link or this Dropbox link. Available until March 31, 2026

IMPORTANT - Dropbox has a 60 min streaming cutoff, so either download the file or transfer it to yoru personal DB account.

Directed by Robert Kublios, written by Rob Cesternino and starring Jenna Lewis, Steven Hill, Trish Schneider, Reichen Lehmkuhl, Trishelle Cannatella, Ethan Zahn and Bob Guiney

Mentioned in this episode:

Network Plug with music

This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:

Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp

Patrick: 00:00:08

Hello, my name's Patrick, and I'm a scream queen. I'm a scream queen, and so are you. Hello again, my beautiful screamers. And welcome back.

,: 2014

movie called The Scorned from: 2005

Well, there's a reason for that.

The Scorned was a horror movie that they cast entirely with reality TV show stars, and it was actually the product of a reality TV show itself called Kill Reality, which is about the making of the movie. So when the show was done, they aired the movie that they finally put together, and it's this. It's terrible. So why are you talking about it, Patrick?

Because the episode that we put out was legendary.

Not only because it turned out to be one of the funniest episodes I ever did, but also because it was the debut guest appearance of Allison Nowacki and Bryan Pope, who over the years became one of my most popular sets of guests. And you're gonna find out why, because this is absolutely a ludicrous two hours you're gonna spell with.

In fact, this show is so old that Allison and Bryan still had a podcast when we recorded it. They had a podcast called I'm Not Here to make Friends in which they talked about reality shows, which is why I picked them for this movie.

However, that was 12 years ago. Their show is long defunct. I know you're going to fall in love with them.

And I know at the end of the show when they're talking, when I ask them, hey, how do people keep in touch with you? How do they find the show? And they tell you, you can fight it on Spreaker.

You're going to want to run to Spreaker and listen to I'm not Here to make Friends. But it's long defunct. It's long gone. And you know what? So is Spreaker. Ancient technology. That's how long ago this was.

Last time it was the Nook with Kelly Cobre. And now it's Spreaker. Good Lord.

as dumb when we covered it in: 2014

It's not on YouTube, it's not on okru, it's not anywhere to be found. You can't find the DVD for purchase. It's out of print and has been scrubbed from the Internet for reasons. Initially, I said, good, good.

This movie deserves to be forgotten. However, since it was in my consciousness, I decided to take a chance and screen it for my movie club where I did my movie night watch parties.

And they loved it for the complete piece of garbage that it is. So if you want to experience The Scorneded, I can inflict it upon you if you want.

If you look at the show notes, there'll be a Google Drive link for you to get it. It'll be there for the next month and then it's going to go away. Yes, till the end of March. Get the movie. And you've been warned. It's not good.

If you're gonna watch it, watch it with a group of friends, have a couple of beers. Then you might actually have a good time. Like my friends did at the the Watch party the other night, but solo. It's a rough watch.

But hey, hey, if you really want to get the full impact of all the jokes that are coming from me and Allison and Bryan, you know, I might as well check it out. Why not? Why not? I'm probably opening some kind of portal to hell by. By unleashing this movie on to the world, onto the universe again.

But, oh well, them's the breaks. Yolo. And just a quick update, what's been going here at the Potter headquarters. I'm adjusting to this new schedule.

I'm still trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. And also my personal life has gotten a little hectic lately. You already heard that my dad passed away in January and that's been awful.

But now I'm having to deal with all the legal stuff and the financial stuff, and it's been very, very stressful. And on top of that, my guest host on Damn You, Uncle Lewis, they've both had some life changes and we're gonna have to change up a recording schedule.

So I'm gonna have to figure out how all this plays out, the order in which the part of our shows might change over the next couple of months just because as I'm trying things out and trying to fit things into this new crazy world. And also I'll keep you updated as much as I can. This month everything stays the same. Next month things are going to change.

But I'll let you know about that when the time comes. I know, I know, I know. I've been talking for a really long time. Start the show already. So let's do do that.

If you don't want the score and spoiled for you, use that link down in the show notes. However, you might get herpes just by watching it. Just putting that out there.

,: 2014

Bryan: 00:05:01

The biggest names of the entertainment phenomena

Patrick: 00:05:03

known as reality TV come together for a special movie event. Everybody's talking about the murders. See them act. I know she's not dead, but I know they do. Kill it back. Hear them.

Bryan: 00:05:15

Watch them die. Survivors Jenna Lewis, Ethan Zahn, Jenna Moraskay and Johnny Fairplay.

Patrick: 00:05:24

Real World's Trishelle Canatella, Stephen Hill and Tanya Cooley.

Bryan: 00:05:27

Amazing Races Reichen Limgol.

Patrick: 00:05:29

Bachelors Bob Ginny and Trish Schneider lead the all star cast scene on E's Kill Reality in the score. Reality stars. Love them or hate them, everyone wants to see them die. Available exclusively online. Go to the fishbowl.com and order your copy today.

movie called The Scorned from: 2005

And the thing is with this movie, it was created in conjunction with a reality show called Kill Reality, which is about the making of the movie and it featured all former washed up reality TV show stars. So the reason I picked this is because I've been dying to get this dynamic duo on the show. See what it did there dying. Cuz it's scary.

Anyway, I figured who would know the most about reality TV or at least enjoy trashing the shit out of it, but these two.

So without any further ado, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, may I introduce to you the husband and wife host of the I'm Not Here to make Friends podcast, the Lunt-Fontainnes of reality tv. Allison and Bryan.

Bryan: 00:06:58

Is that too cheerful for you?

Patrick: 00:06:59

No, it was fantastic. It just was funny with the pause that I asked you to do. They know what I do. They know what I asked my guest to do.

Because when they don't do it right, I just embarrass them publicly. You guys did it, right? Just have coming with this excited. Yay. Like 30 seconds after I said something. It's very funny.

Allison: 00:07:15

We are professionals.

Patrick: 00:07:17

You are professionals.

Bryan: 00:07:19

We've been doing this since: 2008

Allison: 00:07:22

Something like that.

Patrick: 00:07:23

Yes. I remember when I used to have to call your show to be.

Bryan: 00:07:29

I remember when you guest hosted when somebody decided to go on vacation. I'm Bryan. This is Allison.

Patrick: 00:07:35

Hello.

Bryan: 00:07:36

We do host a show, and it's about reality tv. There. Good. I just set up the equipment. Allison is the real professional.

Patrick: 00:07:44

Oh, then we're all doomed.

Allison: 00:07:46

Okay, well, Allison is stupid.

Patrick: 00:07:49

Allison is stupid. But she's really not. But she gets really mad when you call her that.

So when she's wrong about something, which she seldom is or seldom believes that she is, you really have to point it out. Anyway, so what was the name of your show again? Because I blurred through it really fast.

Bryan: 00:08:06

The name of our show is called I'm not here to make a Reality Show Podcast. Me and Allison used to get together all the time and talk about any kind of reality shows. Now we just mainly talk about Big Brother when that's on.

Allison: 00:08:18

And get heavily intoxicated.

Bryan: 00:08:20

Oh, yeah. We started drinking again during the show.

Patrick: 00:08:23

Oh, you have ? Yeah.

Allison: 00:08:25

We're back on the wagon.

Patrick: 00:08:26

I did. Okay. All right. All right. Cause last time. Not this last episode, which I haven't listened to yet.

Last time, you guys started fighting, and I was like, oh, my God, mom and dad are fighting.

Bryan: 00:08:35

We did start fighting.

Patrick: 00:08:37

You're tearing me apart. And poor Big Brother Mike, who is the third person who. You know what? If Fozzie's not here, we should go get Big Brother Mike.

Allison: 00:08:46

True.

Patrick: 00:08:47

That'd be amazing.

Bryan: 00:08:49

He might be too glued to the Big Brother feeds right now.

Patrick: 00:08:52

Oh, yeah, that's true. He's got a job to do. Poor guy. Yeah. So these guys do Big Brother.

They've been having a rough season with Big Brother just because of some recording problems. But these guys are a lot of fun. I've been listening to them forever, and. Yeah. So I wanted to get them on the show while Big Brother was still on.

Bryan: 00:09:13

While we're still doing.

Patrick: 00:09:15

So while you're still doing a show. Cuz you. These. You got to get a taste of this. Yo, cuz. I got Satyr hooked on you guys.

And now all these people that listen to Satyr's show are listening to you guys. So you're welcome. Thank you.

Bryan: 00:09:27

That might be some of our New new Twitter people.

Patrick: 00:09:30

Wow. That is why you were up to seven. Seven entirely different listeners right now. Yes.

Allison: 00:09:37

Not related.

Patrick: 00:09:38

Not related.

Bryan: 00:09:39

Not related.

Patrick: 00:09:40

Not related. No, no, no, no. And also, we were supposed to be joined today by Mr. Fozzie Bear, but unfortunately he could not make it.

Bryan: 00:09:48

That Fozzie.

Patrick: 00:09:50

Well, hey, it's okay. Things happen. It's weekend in the city, which means the subway's off from, you know, facackta

Bryan: 00:09:56

Oh, wow.

Patrick: 00:09:57

They're from Facocto, which is a place now, I suppose. But the reason I wanted him on, because there were so many real world people in this particular movie that I figured he'd pick up the slack. Yeah.

Where our reality TV show knowledge kind of ends. Failed. So we're on our own, kids.

Allison: 00:10:16

Heaven help us. Because I will say that I only recognized a handful of these people.

And, like, there'd be cameos in the movie and I'm like, I know that somebody, but I just know who you are.

Bryan: 00:10:30

I will say I recognized nobody.

Allison: 00:10:33

Really? You knew, like, Johnny Fairplay.

Bryan: 00:10:35

Oh, Johnny Fairplay.

Patrick: 00:10:36

I knew one.

Allison: 00:10:36

And you knew Mike Boogie's showmance girlfriend After I pointed her out.

Bryan: 00:10:40

After you pointed her out.

Allison: 00:10:41

You didn't know Reichen, and Reichen was on that Logo show. Well, Bryan didn't watch that Logo.

Patrick: 00:10:46

He was on the Amazing Race and

Allison: 00:10:48

that Logo show, but mostly the Amazing at this time.

Patrick: 00:10:51

He had just been the winner of the Amazing Race and then dumped his boyfriend once he got the million dollars.

Bryan: 00:10:55

Cause he.

Patrick: 00:10:56

He's a dick.

Allison: 00:10:57

Yes, he is.

Bryan: 00:10:57

What?

Allison: 00:10:58

See, I didn't watch that season. But then he had that spinoff show on Logo about being like the A list. Yeah, the A list.

Patrick: 00:11:06

Can we come back to that? Because we have a tradition here. Before we start talking about the movie, we have to listen to the trailer.

Allison: 00:11:13

Oh, gosh.

Bryan: 00:11:14

Let's do it.

Narrator: 00:11:15

Coming. April 11th. A betrayal of trust.

Raina: 00:11:20

All of those cheaters. They all deserve to die.

Bryan: 00:11:24

Unleashes an avenging angel of death. The movie event chronicled on Ease Kill Reality.

Bob Ginny, Ethan Zahn, Jenna Lewis, Johnny Fairplay, and Real World's Trishelle Canatella and Tonya Cooley lead an all star reality TV cast. Reality stars. Love them or hate them, everyone wants to see them die. Own the two disc unrated special edition dvd.

Patrick: 00:11:44

we're not actually gonna hear it.

Bryan: 00:11:49

Oh, yeah, I figured.

Patrick: 00:11:50

Yeah, because it's the magic of podcasting. Do you know how hard I had to look for a fucking trailer for this movie?

Bryan: 00:11:55

I'm surprised you found one.

Patrick: 00:11:57

y, shh. Okay, so, The Scorned: 2005

Bryan: 00:12:11

I couldn't.

Patrick: 00:12:12

So would you guys like to take turns doing a quick basic synopsis of the plot?

Allison: 00:12:17

Well, that's gonna be a little difficult, isn't it?

Patrick: 00:12:20

There's the basics, just the basic setup. Like, what's. Like, who are we talking about? Where are they? What's the threat?

Bryan: 00:12:29

Apparently, they're in Los Angeles. Or Malibu. Malibu. There's the ghost.

Allison: 00:12:34

There's a ghost.

Bryan: 00:12:36

A ghost.

Allison: 00:12:37

A ghost that's not really a ghost. Which we'll find out. Like, that's the clever way.

Patrick: 00:12:41

That's a twist. That's a twist. Calm down, Shyamalan. Just calm it down.

Bryan: 00:12:45

Is it clever, though? It's a twist. It is not clever.

Allison: 00:12:48

And this ghost is killing people.

Patrick: 00:12:50

Cheaters.

Allison: 00:12:51

Cheaters.

Bryan: 00:12:51

Specifically, why can't I get Joey Greco to, like, at least make a cameo appearance in this?

Allison: 00:12:56

That would have been great.

Bryan: 00:12:57

I know.

Allison: 00:12:58

That would have been great.

Patrick: 00:12:59

What kind of cheaters? Like, it's. Sorry and Candyland.

Allison: 00:13:03

Like, sexual cheaters.

Patrick: 00:13:05

Oh, I see.

Allison: 00:13:07

Sexual cheaters. Sexual cheaters.

Patrick: 00:13:11

Okay. I love it when Allison sings. Okay, just since you brought up that song, this is something nobody's ever heard of.

I have this friend Tara, who, notoriously, never gets the lyrics to anything right. And everything she comes up with is brilliant and better than the song. This is what she thought that song was.

When I get that feeling I need sensual heating Sensual heating Baby, it's good for me Central heating.

Bryan: 00:13:37

That is awesome.

Allison: 00:13:40

So this ghost, this ghost who really hates sexual cheaters is killing people with terrible CG in this house in Malibu. That random up. And I'll quote that saying up and coming with air quotes. Actors and things.

Bryan: 00:13:56

One's a professional, the rest are all up and coming actors.

Allison: 00:14:00

Somethings.

Bryan: 00:14:02

One's an up and coming personal trainer.

Patrick: 00:14:05

Excuse me. He's the future CEO of Seth Co.

Bryan: 00:14:09

Yeah, we didn't say much about Sethco.

Patrick: 00:14:10

We're just. Okay, well, you're just going to wait on that because that's a whole, like, plethora of information right there. Anyway. So, yes, they're all very.

Right. Both of you are right. The story takes place at this beach house in Malibu which people who don't have jobs somehow are affording.

But that's not the point right now.

Because you know why it's a reality show is basically what we're watching here is cause they're in a mansion that is basically any skank reality show, dating show, Mansion.

Bryan: 00:14:41

Oh, true.

Patrick: 00:14:41

I'm guessing it's probably Rob Cesternino's house. That's what I'm thinking. Rob Cesternino is the host of Rob Has a podcast.

Allison: 00:14:49

Yes.

Patrick: 00:14:49

He also talks about reality shows and he used to be on Survivor and this was his brainchild. He wanted to do this. A reality show about reality show people making a horror movie.

And my friend Owen Robertson, who's guested on the show several times, was like, oh, my gosh, Kill Reality is the best reality show. It's out there right now. You can't find it anywhere. All you can find is this shitty goddamn movie that was the product of it.

And to be perfectly honest, what I've read about the show, it does sound like a fucking hoot. But we'll come back to that.

Allison: 00:15:17

Yes. Yes, it does. I watched that nine minute clip and I would have watched the crap out of that. I just like, was in Hook, Line and Sinker.

But then when you find out that, then I would end up watching this movie and then it just is kind

Patrick: 00:15:33

of like, well, he never watched the movie.

Allison: 00:15:35

Okay, okay.

Patrick: 00:15:36

He's like, I never saw the movie. I'm like, that's why you're alive. You didn't claw your own eyes.

Allison: 00:15:42

I know.

Bryan: 00:15:43

Yeah, it was.

Patrick: 00:15:44

And even if he had, he would have seen the one that was on E, which didn't have all the boobies.

Bryan: 00:15:49

There were a ton of boobies.

Allison: 00:15:51

I actually have a note here.

Bryan: 00:15:53

Only one man ass, but a ton of boobies.

Patrick: 00:15:56

But it's Reichen's with his tramp stamp.

Bryan: 00:15:59

Yeah, champ stamp. It's a dude. It's a champ stamp.

Allison: 00:16:03

I actually have a note here that says sex scenes were great because they're all whores.

Patrick: 00:16:07

They are all whores.

Allison: 00:16:10

Like, there was just. There was so much nudity in this movie that I felt slightly uncomfortable watching

Patrick: 00:16:18

it because a lot of it was pointless. I mean, yes, horror movies and nudity go together. They always have.

But usually there's a point like, it's sexy, but a lot of times it's just like, why now? Why don't you just take a 5 second bath for no reason? And you expect something to happen in the bathtub and nothing does.

Allison: 00:16:35

Nothing happens.

Patrick: 00:16:36

But she blows bubbles around.

Allison: 00:16:38

The mirror was steamed up in that scene too, because when you take a bath, it gets real steamy in there.

Patrick: 00:16:43

Oh, yeah.

Allison: 00:16:44

She had to like, wipe off the

Patrick: 00:16:45

mirror when a scare is supposed to happen. Clearly, whoever wrote this, Rob Cesternino and company have never seen a horror movie before.

Allison: 00:16:52

Never Never. my favorite nude moment. Because there were a lot of them, and some of them. Some of them were better than others.

Where it was getting to the point where I would just like whenever there was a slight pause in dialogue and you would just insert. And then they banged, because that's probably what they did. But there was once.

Patrick: 00:17:10

They all had sex. I'm just typing away. all of them. Fade to black.

Allison: 00:17:14

Hospital. Go.

Patrick: 00:17:15

Oh, my God. That was disgusting.

Allison: 00:17:19

So there's that one scene with Reichen and his bitchy girlfriend. That girl who was on like, Real World Chicago or whatever. Tanya or whatever.

Patrick: 00:17:27

Is that the one with the blonde hair?

Allison: 00:17:29

Yes, the blonde bob. Cut.

Bryan: 00:17:32

You're not gonna spoil the greatest scene in the entire movie right now, are you, Allison?

Patrick: 00:17:35

What?

Allison: 00:17:36

That she's just there taking a show, talking to her boyfriend?

Bryan: 00:17:40

That was super uncomfortable because he wasn't taking a shower with her, which would have been passable. He was just standing there. And he wasn't looking at her either. Just. He was like looking at the camera.

Patrick: 00:17:51

Because he's gay. That was the thing. He had girls. He was making out with all these girls left and right, left and right. He was the stud.

And I'm like, you're the biggest homo. And he could not have looked more uncomfortable.

Allison: 00:18:03

Yes, he did look very.

Patrick: 00:18:04

There's all these dry. These dry kisses, like. Yeah.

Allison: 00:18:09

And then on the other hand, you have Johnny Fairplay, who plays DQ gross, legitimately shoving his tongue into people's mouths.

Patrick: 00:18:17

And he's so gross. Like the.

Allison: 00:18:19

And spreading his herpes everywhere.

DQ: 00:18:22

How about a three way.

Raina: 00:18:24

Oh, drop dead, asshole.

DQ: 00:18:26

Oh, so you're into anal.

Bryan: 00:18:28

Nice.

Patrick: 00:18:30

Oh, my God. Let's backtrack this because these people are like, okay, they're just eating this up with a spoon, but let's.

I'm trying at least, like, tell a story here, so.

Bryan: 00:18:38

Oh, yeah. Let's start with the first scene in

Patrick: 00:18:41

this beach house was a couple that were engaged. And they didn't explain all of this right away because, like, they're like, we're getting mad and they're arguing because whatever.

They have some arbitrary argument because she's a successful actress. But he didn't. She didn't go to his premiere of his shitty movie. Whatever.

Matt: 00:18:59

So once again, your show's more important than my movie. No, my first movie.

Raina: 00:19:03

That's not what I'm saying. But I mean, come on, baby. You don't want me to lose my job because of your little movie, do you?

Matt: 00:19:11

My little movie? So what, now you're better than me? Cause you got six lines on some stupid show that nobody even watches.

Raina: 00:19:19

Honey.

Patrick: 00:19:20

Don't honey me. I want someone I can count on, Raina.

Raina: 00:19:23

Well, you can't count on me in this instance. And when I asked you to marry me, I was kind of looking for that. For someone to count on, for someone to believe in me.

Allison: 00:19:32

I do believe in you. I'm in love with you, Matt. It's bullshit Raina.

Raina: 00:19:38

Matt.

Patrick: 00:19:39

Whatever. And so she goes to bed mad, and she hears something in the night and she's. He's banging somebody else in the house. Banging random girl in the house.

A fight ensues. What exactly happens, we're not exactly sure of.

But basically she gets hit with a fire poker in the throat and winds up face down floating in the hot tub. Because that is the most disgusting place in any reality show house.

Bryan: 00:20:06

Was it a hot tub? I just thought it was a pond in front of the house.

Patrick: 00:20:10

Yeah.

Allison: 00:20:10

And it's so. I think it was so cliche. So cliche.

Bryan: 00:20:14

And then blinking. Blinking while you're. I thought she was drowning. She was just floating there. Blinking, obviously. Blinking.

Patrick: 00:20:20

She could be blinking because she was only gonna be in a coma. She didn't die.

Bryan: 00:20:23

More twists.

Patrick: 00:20:24

Well, that was your hand. That was your hint. We already talked about that like five minutes ago.

Bryan: 00:20:28

No, because somebody else in the movie died and blinked as well. I think when Johnny Fairplay was dying

Patrick: 00:20:35

dead, he was probably drunk based on that clip that we saw. You can see a 10 minute clip of Kill Reality on YouTube if you really want to. And it does look like a lot of fucking fun.

Allison: 00:20:47

Yeah, it looks great.

Patrick: 00:20:49

Because these people have no worth work ethic at all, for the most part.

Allison: 00:20:53

None. Zero. They were like getting drunk at the auditions. It was amazing.

Patrick: 00:20:57

And the producers are like, that's kind of putting up a red flag for how this production's going to go. Duh, duh.

Allison: 00:21:03

Like, who did they think they were hiring? This is how everything was going to be right out the gate.

You knew this, like, we're in wanting to get like Mel Gibson and you had to settle for Johnny Fairplay. You wanted Johnny Fairplay and you cast him

Patrick: 00:21:17

In a somewhat major role!

Allison: 00:21:19

Yes. So what's the.

Patrick: 00:21:20

Because every single person.

When I went to the IMDb, every single person in this, every single one is from a reality show from top to bottom, even the teeniest, tiniest little parts. Except for one girl who was a Playboy model. Whatever. Not the point right now. But everybody else. So they said yes.

He's gonna really bring in the box office. Yeah.

Allison: 00:21:39

That Johnny Fair Play. The girl's lovin' he's loving.

Patrick: 00:21:44

He's so gross. He just looks like he smells like feet

Allison: 00:21:45

you know, Feet and cheese. That's how I figure the thing I loved.

Patrick: 00:21:52

Feet-a cheese. Feta cheese? Feet-a cheese.

Allison: 00:21:55

Nice Pun.

Patrick: 00:21:56

Thank you. Not a pun.

Allison: 00:21:59

Hashtag Allison is stupid. So what I loved about the arguments that happened about like quote unquote, the industry, like I got pulled.

I got pulled away from the network for you. They're going to be so mad at me. I was just like, keep dreaming. This is like what they think it's really like, you know what I mean?

Bryan: 00:22:17

And I just like a five year old's understanding of the way Hollywood works.

Allison: 00:22:20

Yes. And they wish. They wish they were having these arguments with these people.

Patrick: 00:22:25

Yeah.

So anyway, so now it's several years later and these other group of ragtag friends are renting this house for the summer, yet none of them have any discernible job. I'm a surfer. And a wave. No, it's a Malibu beachfront house.

Allison: 00:22:41

No, there's no way. I made the note of how are these losers affording this?

Patrick: 00:22:44

Well, I guess because of what happened there. Yeah, because now the guy, the guy who, you know, the cheater dude who was involved in the fire poker herpes hot tub assault.

I'm like, man, if that neck wound didn't kill you, the herpes.

Allison: 00:23:05

The herpes certainly will. And I'm sure that that's what the police wrote on the police report too. Herpes, poker.

Patrick: 00:23:15

That's not Lily Pad's. So. Yeah. And immediately, I mean, why anybody be rooming with Johnny Fairplay is beyond me. So. Okay, so rooming in the house is Johnny Fairplay.

Reichen from the Amazing Race, who's supposed to be a personal trainer who wants to open Seth Co. Cause that's his name, Seth. And it's like, I don't even know what it was. It was like healthy weight TR Things and penis pills.

Seth: 00:23:42

Once I get Seth Co off the ground, I'll be able to quit personal training and kick out my roommate.

Kirsten: 00:23:49

Seth Co?

Seth: 00:23:50

Seth Co! The drug free physical fit lifestyle requires a natural supplement rich diet, which Sethco products will provide. Think strong, grow big.

Oliver: 00:24:05

Seth, you want to tell her about the penis pills?

Seth: 00:24:07

Whoa, they're not pills. They're the world's first bioengineered natural growth system for male enhancement. Oh, yes.

Kirsten: 00:24:16

Think strong, grow big.

Patrick: 00:24:21

No, they were all. They were all natural penis enlargement supplements.

Allison: 00:24:24

Enlargements.

Patrick: 00:24:26

Which is funny because here in New York, Reichen made his Broadway I'm sorry. Off Broadway debut in something called My Big Gay Italian Wedding.

Allison: 00:24:40

Right, right.

Patrick: 00:24:40

In which not only did he sing, but was naked. The cast hated him. There was so much dirt in every tabloid. Like, we hate him. He cannot sing. People go home.

And plus, he had a small dick, so people who went for the dick, they were like, eh. So really, really, I guess, you know, he was trying to help himself.

It really was all for him and this other girl who is aspiring to be in a tampon commercial.

Oliver: 00:25:12

So how's the actress stuff going?

Kirsten: 00:25:14

Oh, it's going really good. I have a big audition next week for a tampon commercial.

Oliver: 00:25:20

Really? Is that going to absorb most of your week?

Patrick: 00:25:24

Who is the only decent actress in this thing?

Allison: 00:25:26

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:25:26

And that is Jenna from the first season of Survivor. She was a surprise. She's really not bad boyfriend, Steven, the

Allison: 00:25:36

other guy, he was. He was. Okay, he was passive.

Patrick: 00:25:38

Wait a minute. Where's my other set of notes? Okay. Steven.

Allison: 00:25:41

Steven Hill, Maybe?

Patrick: 00:25:43

I think so. And I wrote this all down, and now I can't find where Steven. Steven. Steven was on the Real.

Stephen was on the Real World, and this is where Fozzie would have come in. Yeah.

Allison: 00:25:52

He was cute, though. So I might have been just like a little bias.

Patrick: 00:25:55

Okay. But apparently, here's the reality dirt on the other two people. Okay. Raina is the dead girl. Ghost, slash, not dead.

She was on the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, and she got. She got. They decided to characterize her as the crazy stalker girl who was obsessed about the Bachelor so much that he was freaking out about her.

Who is that Bachelor? Who? Who? The guy. The guy who played her fiance. Oh, my God. Life. Yeah. And, yeah, so he was. He was on the Bachelorette and the Bachelor.

I'm like, you're a pudgy motherfucker for the Bachelor. FYI.

Allison: 00:26:32

Clever casting, aren't they? Clever, clever.

Bryan: 00:26:36

Clever girl. Clever. Oh, nice.

Allison: 00:26:38

Clever girl.

Patrick: 00:26:39

Yeah. So. Yeah, so. Yeah, so.

Allison: 00:26:41

So meta, you guys. This movie is so meta that I don't think that the critics really understood it.

Patrick: 00:26:48

I don't think anybody understood it. I don't think they understood it.

Allison: 00:26:52

No. You know who else? We'll get to that guy later. But I actually at first really liked the psychic from Survivor that he comes later in the movie.

Patrick: 00:27:04

He was another one, Ethan, who won Africa.

Allison: 00:27:08

Yes.

Patrick: 00:27:08

I mean, Survivor Africa. He didn't win, like, the continent of Africa list. He did the take home game of Africa.

Allison: 00:27:15

He actually was. At first, I was like, oh, he might be a high point. Like, it's kind of. He's playing this quirky kind of character.

And then all of a sudden, it got really annoying really fast, and I had to scratch out my note of Ethan is a high point.

Murray: 00:27:30

Yeah. I don't want your bottles. I don't want your cans, plastic bags, rubber bands, Velcro.

But if you think we're psychic, gonna save this earth, you know, fuck, we really are. What do you want? People say lots of things about Hawaii, but there's a spirit in that house that's not too happy. No, no, no, no.

Oliver: 00:27:45

Shit. Our friend just died in here.

Murray: 00:27:47

Not him. He's gone. Do you know what a spirit is? I can find it. I know where it is.

Oliver: 00:27:49

No, thanks, man. Not really.

Murray: 00:27:51

Hey, buddy, you might want to just stick to smoking cigarettes. You should trust me. I know what I'm talking about. I've been falling dead forever. Not just the Grateful variety. Although Jerry's a friend of mine.

I know, I know. No, he's really not.

Patrick: 00:28:03

Yes.

Cause he's, like, supposed to be a psychic, but he's also kind of crazy, and everybody thinks he's on drugs, but so he's really twitchy. And it's actually. The dialogue is kind of cleverly written. If it was cleverly delivered, yes. But you know what?

He's got a million dollars, and he's like, I don't need this.

Bryan: 00:28:21

I'm doing you guys a favor.

Patrick: 00:28:23

I don't need any of this. So.

Allison: 00:28:25

Oh, my goodness.

Patrick: 00:28:26

So, Okay, I can't even read my damn writing here. I don't know who's who anymore.

Allison: 00:28:30

So then he's crazy. So these people are living in the house now. But then all these crazy things start to happen.

Patrick: 00:28:35

Oh, we have a beach party first. That BE part is like reality show wasteland. It's all the people who were not good enough to get speaking parts.

Allison: 00:28:45

And it was also Rob Cestrnino's only cameo in the movie as Vomiting Guy. Vomiting Guy.

Patrick: 00:28:52

That's how he was listed.

Allison: 00:28:53

That was my favorite part.

Patrick: 00:28:55

Yes. Okay. And there were two girls in the Amazing Race, actually, the cupcake girls.

Cupcake Girls: 00:29:01

I think it's kind of sexy that there was an actual murder here. *kissing sounds*

Seth: 00:29:07

Come on, Katie. You know I have a serious girlfriend. Yeah, I have a serious girlfriend, too.

Cupcake Girls: 00:29:15

Have a cupcake.

Seth: 00:29:16

Okay.

Bryan: 00:29:18

Ah.

Allison: 00:29:19

Were those supposed to be, like, drug cupcakes?

Patrick: 00:29:21

I don't know

Allison: 00:29:22

Is that what I was supposed to believe?

Patrick: 00:29:24

I don't know. As far as I know, they were just cupcakes.

Cupcake Girls: 00:29:27

What's the matter? You don't like whipped cream?

Seth: 00:29:30

I need to think about dead Kittens till my girlfriend gets back. I'll catch you later.

Allison: 00:29:37

Aw, Seth.

Patrick: 00:29:39

One of them was on the Amazing Race, and the other one was Real World, and they had to make out with Reichen. And that again was like, yeah, yeah.

Allison: 00:29:46

That's why I was so.

Patrick: 00:29:47

And they're like, come on, let's have a threesome. He's like, no, no, absolutely not. No, no.

Allison: 00:29:51

Ew. Ew. With you.

Patrick: 00:29:55

Ew. Yeah, so. And then. Oh. Oh. Cause, like, Johnny Fairplay has told some girl that he's a record producer. Cause, yeah, that would happen.

Allison: 00:30:09

That would happen.

Patrick: 00:30:10

Yeah. And that is actually Pavarti, who won Survivor. I don't remember which one, but who's married to Ethan. So it's all a thing.

And then she got eaten by the ground.

Eaten By the Ground Girl: 00:30:19

Funny at all. Help me, please. Somebody. Somebody help. Help. Yeah, why did she get eaten by the ground? I don't understand. That's not a ghost.

Everything else was like, ghosts. And then all of a sudden, the ground just opens up and eats her for no good reason.

Bryan: 00:30:47

Yeah, we never see any other crazy powers like that. Usually the ghost is present and doing things. Except for the ground opening.

Patrick: 00:30:55

You know what I think?

You know what I think there's the rule of horror movies that you really shouldn't go 10 or 15 minutes without somebody dying or somebody getting naked. It was a slow point. They might have added her in later. And so. Yes.

Allison: 00:31:10

Get in this hole.

Patrick: 00:31:11

Get in the hole, millionaire.

Allison: 00:31:13

Get in the hole.

Patrick: 00:31:15

Or my other theory was that possibly, very possibly, it was one of Allison's dinosaur ghosts.

Allison: 00:31:21

Dinosaur ghosts.

Bryan: 00:31:22

I invented dinosaur ghosts. You do not give that credit to her.

Patrick: 00:31:25

Oh, you did. I'm sorry.

Allison: 00:31:28

I just stole that joke.

Bryan: 00:31:30

I'm the one that says, like, ghosts come from traumatic killings. Why don't we see dinosaur ghosts?

When we were on our way home from the grocery store and she looked at me and was like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say.

Patrick: 00:31:40

Well, no, remember the thing where. I remember, because she's like, well, you know, if there are ghosts and they've been around forever, why are there no dinosaur ghosts?

Bryan: 00:31:47

She stole my joke later when she

Patrick: 00:31:48

realized, Allison does that. I've said that for a long time. That Allison is a joke thief. I agree.

Bryan: 00:31:53

When you leave us messages on not make Friends when we had that ability, I would have to not let her listen to him before the show because she would steal that.

Allison: 00:32:02

I am a flat out joke stealer. I need help.

Bryan: 00:32:07

All right, Carlo Mencia, calm down.

Patrick: 00:32:11

I need help.

Allison: 00:32:12

I hear something funny. All Of a sudden, it's mine. You're getting better, guys.

Bryan: 00:32:19

You're getting better. So the ground swallows that one.

Patrick: 00:32:22

Yeah. So anyway, people, I'm just like. This is like the parlour is really pointless because it doesn't make sense.

So I figured I'm just gonna go through my notes and we'll talk. Because, yes, the ghost is having revenge on people in this house who are cheating, which is all of them. Because they're all sluts.

Allison: 00:32:34

Yes. But my question is. So you have. They're moving in, right?

And Seth, I'm sorry, Steve is putting like a sheet on the bed, but it's like a translucent sheet. And this translucent sheet plays a very integral part later in the movie.

Bryan: 00:32:51

But how can that sheet be effective? You can see through it.

Patrick: 00:32:55

No, I think. No, I think what it was was that they added some. You know, they had that. Yeah, he throws the sheet on him for a second.

Is that what I'm talking about? You see like the girl there in the bed? I think because later on in that really scary fight scene, it would be translucent, not translucent.

And sometimes it would glow and sometimes it wasn't. I think they just put some kind of CGI nonsense on it and it made it look translucent instead of just like a normal sheet. It was just stupid.

You couldn't even do a sheet right. Just put a sheet on the bed.

Allison: 00:33:26

The CGI in this movie was terrible

Patrick: 00:33:28

It probably was filled with semen. It was probably filled with semen. And it hit a black light for a second.

Allison: 00:33:35

The CGI in this movie overall was so weird. In the middle of the party, there's this weird CGI thing where they start.

Bryan: 00:33:42

Thank you.

Allison: 00:33:42

Eyes in the wall.

Patrick: 00:33:43

Giant eyes in the wall.

Bryan: 00:33:46

But first it ripples like a puddle and then all of a sudden eyes appear.

Allison: 00:33:50

But I don't know what that has to do with anything.

Patrick: 00:33:53

I think it was a tribute to Billy Idol's Eyes Without a Face.

Allison: 00:33:56

Of course.

Patrick: 00:33:57

That's exactly what it was again.

Allison: 00:33:59

Yeah, the critics just didn't get it.

Patrick: 00:34:03

Just didn't. Well, eyes Without a Face, they're gonna kill you in like an hour. After. Take your top off two more times,

Bryan: 00:34:16

I was like, it's just like, oh, the house. Like the ghost is inhabiting the house.

Patrick: 00:34:21

But the thing was, the eyes went two different places at the same time. It's just really weird.

Bryan: 00:34:26

In the kitchen and in the hallway outside the bathroom.

Patrick: 00:34:28

Uh huh.

Allison: 00:34:29

That was weird. And then I wasn't sure. Like, was the party over? Was the party still going on?

Patrick: 00:34:35

Who knows? It's reality tv. The party never stops.

Allison: 00:34:38

So I didn't even know if the party was still going on anymore at this point, because they go in the house, like, go use the bathroom or whatever, and there's, like, nobody in the house. This party is completely encapsulated outside.

Bryan: 00:34:50

Only on the patio.

Patrick: 00:34:50

Only on the patio. But that's because they couldn't afford any more extras. Right. The same thing happened in Sharknado, too.

There's so many disappearing extras in that show. It's amazing. Like, there's nobody in Times Square ever. Okay, not the point. Right now. We're not talking about that. We're talking about this.

So anyway, it's this long, convoluted thing, and the movie's really stupid and really not worth talking about. So I'm gonna go through my notes and we'll make fun of it that way.

Allison: 00:35:14

Please.

Bryan: 00:35:15

We got notes, too. If you hit a button.

Patrick: 00:35:16

Oh, great. Absolutely. Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. This would be fun then.

Okay, right off the bat, when I don't know, that couple, the first couple dead, you know, doomed couple were having their argument.

Allison: 00:35:25

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:35:25

I went, we're in trouble. Cause his fag tag is sticking out of his shirt. Like, where's. You notice that, too?

Allison: 00:35:31

I have that note.

Patrick: 00:35:33

Wardrobe supervisor.

Allison: 00:35:34

Yes. I was like, someone just needs to go up and just push that little tag in. Like, you know, you're having an over the shoulder shot. Come on.

Bryan: 00:35:41

They shot too much with it and then had to leave it in for continuity.

Allison: 00:35:43

Continuity.

Patrick: 00:35:44

Yeah, that's it. Unless it was the sponsor. It was brought to you by whoever. You know, like Ross dress for less.

Allison: 00:35:50

JCPenney. I was gonna say JCPenney.

Bryan: 00:35:52

My favorite was that there was a. In the end credits, there was a brand coordinator, and it's like, oh, so is that whether. Is that just the EA Sports T shirt hanging on a curtain?

Patrick: 00:36:03

Yeah. And yes, the bottle is right next to the Dasani water.

Allison: 00:36:07

Yeah.

Bryan: 00:36:07

And the sprite next to the clock that says 420.

Allison: 00:36:10

Yeah, the clock said 420. But here's another thing I liked at the beginning of the movie. So in line for the bathroom, this girl is hitting on Reichen.

And she says, that's all anybody does in this movie.

Patrick: 00:36:21

Everybody hits on Reichen. Yes.

Allison: 00:36:22

So believable. She says, I saw you two at the Daytime Emmys red carpet. You're so cute together. And his reaction, did you know that wasn't even me?

And this is when you start to really see the fraction that's happening between the script. But also in this relationship that Reichen keeps saying, his character Seth keeps saying, I have a committed girlfriend.

So this is where you start to see the cracks there. But that line. Cause they don't like finish it off,

Bryan: 00:36:52

you don't know for a half hour.

Allison: 00:36:54

It cuts right after he says, did you know that wasn't even me? And then it cuts to something else. So you don't find out that she took someone else to this red carpet until about another 20 minutes in.

And you go, oh.

Patrick: 00:37:08

And even then, it's not like a big twist. It's like, so, yeah, she's a slut. I figured that out because she was on the Real World

Allison: 00:37:16

and I like that girl. She was the one that. In the kill reality clip that we watched, she was the one that was just like, yeah, I banged everybody.

Yeah, I had sex with like everybody. So pretty.

Patrick: 00:37:27

And then art imitates life. She banged everybody in this movie too. But that's a spoiler at the end.

Allison: 00:37:32

She's very method. That's what I hear.

Patrick: 00:37:34

She even fucked Johnny Fairplay. And it was the best sex she ever had.

Jennifer: 00:37:37

It's been in front of you this whole time? I've been with a lot of guys. I mean, I even dated Fabio, for Christ's sakes.

Seth: 00:37:48

Are you just saying all this to hurt me?

Jennifer: 00:37:52

No, no, I'm saying this to hurt you. Dq? Fucked him.

Seth: 00:38:05

What?

Jennifer: 00:38:06

Yeah, more than once. And that's not the kicker. That little clown was the best fuck of my life.

Patrick: 00:38:18

Yes, right. Okay. It talks about the reality mansion that's required. But the thing is, the girl's laying there, Raina, which is the ghost girl.

She's crying in her bed. And I know we're in for a good treat because she's got drawn on tears. They're totally drawn on, like the mascara, the fake mascara.

Bryan: 00:38:46

That's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Allison: 00:38:48

Oh, she's supposed to be crying.

Patrick: 00:38:51

Oh, I thought she was melting.

Allison: 00:38:54

Seriously, it's so bad. It's just so.

Patrick: 00:38:57

And then I wrote in your house question mark, Question mark. Cuz I'm like, wait a minute, you're having an affair with somebody in your own house?

Allison: 00:39:02

Yeah.

Patrick: 00:39:03

With your girlfriend upstairs and you're filming it? Yeah, and they explained that later, but it was dumb. Cause it was like again, supposed to be like, oh, layers. No, stupid, stupid.

Bryan: 00:39:14

It's just dumb.

Patrick: 00:39:15

And the thing was, up until this filmed it.

Allison: 00:39:17

Did I miss why they filmed. Why did they film this film?

Patrick: 00:39:20

Because he was a filmmaker. He filmed her, apparently for his movie. His movie required her to be topless. Against a rock in the ocean, eating Reese's peanut butter cups.

Allison: 00:39:29

See, I just.

Bryan: 00:39:30

was that what she was eating. It looked.

Patrick: 00:39:32

She was eating Reese's peanut butter cups!

Bryan: 00:39:35

Like a fake eyelash.

Allison: 00:39:37

See, I thought this.

Patrick: 00:39:38

Oh, what is this movie about?

Allison: 00:39:42

I thought him filming it was just so that he could be creepy at the end of the movie when he's sitting there just watching it in his house.

Patrick: 00:39:48

Well, I figured he's a filmmaker and it's a reality show and you gotta document everything. Who the fuck knows? Don't ask questions, Allison. Just take it in.

Allison: 00:39:57

Just let it wash over you.

Patrick: 00:39:59

Just let it wash over you like. Like the hot tub water.

Bryan: 00:40:04

Just like the herpes filled hot tub water.More HPV than

Patrick: 00:40:07

It's bad when, like, the. It's, like, collected into one gigantic vairai. That's, like, sitting there with one, like, tentacle up on the side asking for another margarita.

Hey, can you get me another drink?

Bryan: 00:40:19

Hey.

Patrick: 00:40:19

Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Yeah, and actually, I thought this girl, ghost girl, was doing okay with the acting until she got upset.

And then she went to the squat and yell school of acting.

Allison: 00:40:31

Yes.

Patrick: 00:40:32

Like, she would squat down like she was pooping. Yells something like, I hate you so much. Walks to someplace else like, gotta hit my mark over here.

Squat and poop and yell and squat and poop and yell. And it was just very funny. And then what was funny? After she falls into the hot tub and it's blood and everything, the credits start to roll.

And then for some reason, they start to cut the jellyfish. And I'm like, they're jellyfish in the hot tub. But then again, I'm like, yeah, this

Bryan: 00:40:57

made sense so far.

Patrick: 00:40:59

It's. It's the viruses. And then she was eaten by the jellyfish herpes virus. And that's why the police were never called. Yes. I'm sorry, Allison.

Allison: 00:41:09

I said the squat and poop method of acting. That's probably why the ground opened up and swallowed that one. That one actress. Because of all the squatting and pooping.

Patrick: 00:41:18

Squatting and pooping. The ground was loose. It was mudslide. The elusive crocostimpy. That's right. I just was Ren for a second. I'm okay now. I'm back now. Crocostimpy.

And in this movie, this movie, the director made this brilliant choice.

tement throughout The Scorned: 2005

Allison: 00:41:50

Yes, it was terrible and just like, it's not just slow motion. It's that jagged, like, skipped frame slow motion.

Bryan: 00:41:57

That in post we put it in slow. We didn't think about it. To do shutter speed while we were shooting it.

Patrick: 00:42:02

Yeah, it's like we need to pad out the running time we made to make this even longer.

Bryan: 00:42:07

Yes, 90 minutes is long.

Allison: 00:42:09

This movie was 90 minutes.

Patrick: 00:42:11

It felt like two hours. The thing is, it could have been fun. It had no sense of fun.

Bryan: 00:42:17

Yeah. It was just boring.

Allison: 00:42:19

It took itself way too seriously.

Patrick: 00:42:21

Yeah, that was the big problem right there. Okay, so, yes, they're living in a beach Malibu beach house that has no power and they have no jobs.

Bryan: 00:42:29

we're still on The first 20 minutes of this movie. They've been talking about it for twice as long.

Allison: 00:42:35

It's okay.

Patrick: 00:42:35

This is more fun than the movie. We're saving them. And then I have Reichen, notoriously small penis. Because. Yes. Three way. Three way. Oh, oh, the cupcake girls. This is what I wrote down.

The cupcake girls invite them to have a three way. I'm like, a three way. You're like 45.

Allison: 00:42:53

Three ways. Like, and then let's just in the house and then what?

My favorite bit was when he goes up and he talks to Seed and he's like, I need the master bedroom tonight. It's like the first night, buddy. Yeah, I need it. And I'm just like, wait, has my room. Yeah.

Patrick: 00:43:08

Like, you know what? You can have it after that. I don't want it back. Johnny Fairplay.

Allison: 00:43:13

Yeah. Just don't. Like, again, you're 45. Like, come on.

Patrick: 00:43:17

Yeah. That was everything there was. Although I did appreciate the crack later on where Jenna. The lead girls like, so who made you head a household?

Allison: 00:43:26

Yes. There were a few of those that I was just like, burn. I get it.

Patrick: 00:43:31

Did you notice that the girl that the Asian news reporter was named Julie Cheng? I didn't notice it. It was Julie Cheng.

Allison: 00:43:41

I did notice that about two seconds afterwards. She was just like, this is our reality. Or something to that effect.

Oliver: 00:43:48

They say you're all better.

Kirsten: 00:43:52

Yeah, I just want to go home. Reality is we don't have one to go to.

Patrick: 00:43:54

The thing is, if the movie was more like that, plus some gore and silliness and tits, it would have been a lot of fun. But they actually tried to have layers and stories and these relationships that don't make any sense and dialogue.

Like, your landlord means more to you than I do. What?

DQ: 00:44:11

I mean, why don't just crash at your place?

Trish: 00:44:14

Seriously? Yeah. I mean, don't you remember what Happened last time. My landlord will evict me if he finds you there.

DQ: 00:44:22

I guess your landlord means more to you than I do.

Patrick: 00:44:25

She's paying the rent. Yeah.

Allison: 00:44:28

I just don't understand. I don't understand.

Patrick: 00:44:30

Oh, that was Johnny Fairplay's line. Oh. Cause his girlfriend, who he was on the Apprentice. Cause clearly that worked out well for her. She. She's like, oh, you can't come to.

We can't go fool around at my house because my landlord will kick me out if I bring you back there. Because, you know, bedbugs,

Allison: 00:44:53

just herpes just spreading, constantly clogging the toilet.

Patrick: 00:44:55

You know, he doesn't even have to use the toilet to clog it.

Allison: 00:44:59

As soon as he walks in, it's just like instantly clogged.

Patrick: 00:45:02

Yeah. And he's.

Allison: 00:45:03

Wasn't she also supposed to be like really Like career wise successful?

Bryan: 00:45:08

Yeah, she was like success. She was like the only successful character.

Patrick: 00:45:11

She drove up in something fancy, so I don't know what she did.

Allison: 00:45:15

And then she's like, well, my landlord. I go, whoa, hold on. You're still renting?

Patrick: 00:45:18

Uh huh.

Allison: 00:45:20

Weren't you on the Apprentice?

Patrick: 00:45:21

Well, clearly it didn't work out. Clearly it didn't work out. And your landlord means more to you than I do. I'm like, my shoe polish means more than you do.

My nail clippers mean more to me than you do, Johnny Fairplay.

Allison: 00:45:34

Because ew, those nail clippers have been through a lot with you. So they really have lifelong friendship right there. Lifelong friendship.

Patrick: 00:45:43

Okay. And then I have relationships and jobs, string of question marks, and then. This is an endless beach party.

Allison: 00:45:48

Yes.

Patrick: 00:45:49

Their life is an endless beach party. That's not fun.

Allison: 00:45:52

Yeah.

Bryan: 00:45:52

I wasn't even sure when it ended.

Allison: 00:45:54

Yeah, I had no idea.

Patrick: 00:45:55

No, I just meant in general. Like, it's like, next day Johnny Fairplay's dead. Like, let's go have surfing lessons.

Allison: 00:46:00

Yeah, he is.

Patrick: 00:46:02

At no point do you see anybody in a work scenario except for Reichen two seconds in the gym before he's banging somebody in the car. But we'll come back to that. Cause that is hilarious. Okay, I wrote down the ghost re. Ghost effects, the BB zombies.

The Big Brother zombies were scarier from the episodes on Thursday.

Allison: 00:46:23

Yes. I don't even know what they were trying. I asked Bryan, like, is this supposed to be scary?

Bryan: 00:46:30

Am I supposed to ask you that?

Allison: 00:46:31

Am I supposed to, like, be shocked? I don't know. It just all looked so bad. But she's killing people and she kills Johnny Fairplay's character pretty early on.

Patrick: 00:46:41

But not early enough.

Allison: 00:46:44

Not early enough. He left his mark on for his skid mark.

Patrick: 00:46:47

Skid mark all the way down the stairs.

Allison: 00:46:49

Yep. But she's there.

And like, all of a sudden, what I don't understand is like, the ghost has like this weird, like creepy, like, calling to people, but it doesn't do anything. So, like, Johnny all of a sudden is like, huh.

And he goes out into the hallway and the ghost's there and he reaches for her hand and she reaches for his. And then all of a sudden he's like flying. Which you have to think. Yeah, which you have to think. At first he's probably thinking, cool, man. Right?

I'm flying all of a sudden. That's great. And then all of a sudden, she's choking him and throwing down the stairs.

DQ: 00:47:19

No, no, no, no,

Allison: 00:47:40

And I was just like, wait a minute. What powers does this ghost have?

Bryan: 00:47:42

This ghost has undefined powers.

Patrick: 00:47:44

She's got ghost powers. She's part mole. She's part ninja. She's wall art.

Allison: 00:47:54

Yeah, she is wall art.

Patrick: 00:47:57

She's in charge of linens. This, okay, this I thought was very funny because once I noticed it, I couldn't not notice it.

Every single bed that you know, and there's a lot of them in this movie, every time there's a scene with people on the bed, the bed keeps making bed fart noises. It's just the springs. Yeah, but it's just like they're having sustained. It's relatively serious. And you're just hearing like PFFT PFFT PFFT

And once I noticed it, I'm like, this is the best thing. I'm so glad they didn't like ADR this, because this is what's making the scene. And I said, you know, oh, gosh, you're gone.

Bryan: 00:48:35

Am I back?

Patrick: 00:48:36

You're back.

Allison: 00:48:37

There we go.

Patrick: 00:48:38

I thought you got scared away by the bed farts.

Allison: 00:48:40

I did, I did.

Patrick: 00:48:42

Bed farts. Herpes. Johnny Fairplay. And to top it all off, yeast infection jokes.

Oliver: 00:48:46

I'm glad I could share your pain.

If you ever have a yeast infection, you can go ahead and call somebody else.

Allison: 00:48:55

Yes.

Patrick: 00:48:56

That's the script level. We got tampons, we got yeast infections. Everybody's 40.

Bryan: 00:49:01

It's with a script from a 12 year old. Wow.

Allison: 00:49:08

So the next notes that I really have, I jump around a lot.

Patrick: 00:49:12

Go right ahead. Because you know what?

Allison: 00:49:14

I want to talk about that scene where she's in the bathtub. Because she gets in the bathtub. That's where my next notes jump to.

Patrick: 00:49:23

Yes. And we're Talking about Jenna, the lead girl from Survivor. She gets her titties out.

Allison: 00:49:28

Yes, the titties are out. And I did write down titties, tits are out. She gets into the tub.

And finally I thought maybe this is where it was gonna pick up, because like you said, Patrick, anytime there's a bathtub full of water in a horror movie, no good things can happen. Something scary is gonna happen.

Patrick: 00:49:42

You're never more vulnerable than when you are naked in the shower. Or bathtub.

Allison: 00:49:47

Or the bathtub.

Patrick: 00:49:48

Yeah. And nothing happens. But please continue.

Allison: 00:49:51

Nothing happens. So I'm like, oh, is something gonna happen?

They did have, like, a little, like, cut frame of, like, blood in the water for, like, two seconds, but that was it. And she gets in the tub.

Patrick: 00:50:01

Yeah.

Allison: 00:50:02

Remember, like, she wasn't in the tub yet, though. It was just a shot of the tub that they kind of went blood in tub. Done. It was weird. So then she gets in the tub for all of, like, five seconds.

Patrick: 00:50:11

Five seconds. She blows some bubbles around.

And then that girl from the Apprentice shows up before Johnny Fairplay gets killed and she gets out to go deal with her problems.

Allison: 00:50:18

Yes.

Bryan: 00:50:19

But she doesn't act like she's getting out of the tub with any urgency because Johnny Fairplay's girlfriend is back. She just, like, gets out, wraps herself in a towel. It was more or less like, oh, hey.

Patrick: 00:50:29

And dry.

Allison: 00:50:30

And dry. She's totally dry, still wrapped in a towel.

Goes and talks to her, and then all of a sudden, it's like, hey, have you seen this picture of Matt and Raina? Because I've just been carrying it around

Patrick: 00:50:38

in my towel

Allison: 00:50:42

Since I took a bath.

Patrick: 00:50:43

Excuse me while I pull this out. I was keeping it somewhere dry.

Bryan: 00:50:47

Skipped over my favorite actor and made the detective for the murder of Johnny Fairplay. That woman.

Patrick: 00:50:56

Oh, oh, oh. Because this is a great story. Please continue. Yes. She was on. She was on Paradise Hotel.

Allison: 00:51:02

Oh, even better.

Bryan: 00:51:03

Oh, I forgot all about that show.

Allison: 00:51:05

Even better.

Patrick: 00:51:06

Wow. You tell your story, I'll tell mine. I was just.

Bryan: 00:51:10

Just the level of acting that she had, like, not believing Johnny Fairplay's girlfriend. Oh, yeah, he flew. I think you need to come down to.

Patrick: 00:51:21

I saw water. Well, then again, she's like, the air turned to water, and then there were eyes on. .

Trish: 00:51:27

I told you The air turned to water. Then I saw her face. And then she entered him. She killed him.

Patrick: 00:51:32

Like, none of that actually happened, but. Okay.

Allison: 00:51:34

Yeah, I know, but every line.

Bryan: 00:51:36

Did you need to come down to the station.

Allison: 00:51:38

I don't think you get this this is a murder investigation. You're my only witness. Now what I need from you is to come with me down the station.

Every line that she delivered, though, I thought should have ended with kind of like a skeptical wink and a like, you should come down to the station. You know what I mean?

Patrick: 00:51:57

Like when you just for some sex. Well, you know what? She could have been a lesbian in that pantsuit. Cause that was an amazing pantsuit for a 20 something girl to be wearing.

That was a ferocious pantsuit.

Bryan: 00:52:07

Just everything was dripping with like, sarcasm that she was saying. It's like, detectives don't get to be like that.

Patrick: 00:52:14

This was Toni. Her name is Toni. And she was on Paradise Hotel.

And she was pissed that she didn't get a better role because she's like, none of these people have any acting experience. Drunk. Of course none of these people have any acting experience. And you know, hello. I was done Paradise Hotel.

I'm a much better actor than all these people. What were you on Survivor? I never heard of that.

Allison: 00:52:41

Is she also the one that in the clip was like, if I don't get cast in this, I'm quitting acting forever?

Patrick: 00:52:46

Yeah. Is that the one?

Toni: 00:52:48

If I don't get the role, I definitely will give up acting, period. I will walk away from it all. This audition is all or nothing. I will walk away, all I ever wanted to do, and no one will

Patrick: 00:52:57

give me a break.

Allison: 00:52:59

That's all I want. And I'm good if you just give me a chance. Let go of reality tv. It's just something I did for a free vacation and money.

She goes, she's crying and she's like, I will quit acting forever if I don't get cast in this. And I was just like, please do, please do.

Patrick: 00:53:16

I'm like, yes. Cause if you look on her IMDb, it was. It's rich, you know, it's just rich. With wonderful roles.

Allison: 00:53:24

Showcase cathouse.

Patrick: 00:53:26

You got cast in it. Why'd you quit acting, girl? So it's good that she carried all her anger into the role.

Allison: 00:53:34

Wink.

Patrick: 00:53:35

Because at least someone had emotion. So I don't have notes for a while because it was so stupid. But then, okay. Reichen is a personal trainer.

And of course he's got some hot, sexy cougar lady. Sandra.

Seth: 00:53:48

Good morning. Good morning, sunshine.

Seth: 00:53:52

I see you started without me.

Sandra: 00:53:55

Story of my life. Is everything okay today, Seth?

Seth: 00:54:04

One of my good friends died yesterday.

Sandra: 00:54:08

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do.

Seth: 00:54:15

I really appreciate that, but I'm gonna be okay, let's get started.

Sandra: 00:54:22

When my cousin died, I found that there was just this one thing I did that made me feel.

Seth: 00:54:28

Sandra, back off. I'm trying to get a job at this gym.

Sandra: 00:54:33

Is that a no?

Seth: 00:54:35

The only reason I came in today is because I thought you wanted a workout.

Sandra: 00:54:39

I do.

Seth: 00:54:40

Sandra, I'm really serious with my girlfriend.

Allison: 00:54:44

She's totally supposed to be a cougar lady. Even though they are probably the same age in reality.

Patrick: 00:54:48

Probably. And she, I believe, was also on the Amazing Race.

Allison: 00:54:52

She was my big brother.

Patrick: 00:54:54

She was on. Yes. Season five. Laurie from. No. Diana.

Allison: 00:54:57

No, her name is Erika. And she actually was in the all. She was in some season, but she came back for All Stars, the season Boogie one.

And that's when they had their showmance. Boogie was just like, time to drop the dead weight. You're out. Like, it was awesome. It was awesome.

So I noticed her mole by her eye and I was like, oh, is that Boogie's not girlfriend.

Patrick: 00:55:18

Yeah. I recognize you by the boogie on your face. Yes.

Allison: 00:55:23

That's what Mike Boogie left behind.

Patrick: 00:55:25

Mike Boogie's like, I'm dragging the dead weight and I'm going to the Jack Shack.

Allison: 00:55:28

Yes. Don't.

Bryan: 00:55:31

Please don't go.

Patrick: 00:55:32

Screw you guys. I'm going to the Jack Shack

Allison: 00:55:36

But I recognize her. I don't remember what her original season was.

Patrick: 00:55:40

I don't know. I have her down as something else. But please continue.

Bryan: 00:55:43

That was before my big brother time.

Allison: 00:55:44

Yes. But she came back for All Stars and dated Mike Boogie. Because in Mike Boogie's original season, you have to remember, he proposed on live television.

Bryan: 00:55:53

Now, when exactly do we find out that the ghost is actually in a coma?

Patrick: 00:55:59

Fairly early on.

Bryan: 00:56:01

Earlier than one would think.

Patrick: 00:56:02

Earlier than one would think. Because Ethan, crazy Ethan said something that she's dead, but not dead.

And then they talk to the fiance who dumps, like, five hours of exposition that nobody would ever give out. Just like I'm gonna tell this entire story to people who just asked me a simple question.

Allison: 00:56:21

These renters that are in my house.

Patrick: 00:56:24

Because he's. Yeah, because he's actually framed the girl that he was banging, who was somebody from the Real World, I believe again. Fozzie. Fozzie, where are you?

You need to be filling in my blanks here.

Allison: 00:56:37

She was on the Real World and she looked like Trishellee. Is her name Trishelle?

Patrick: 00:56:41

Trishelle. Which is a stupid name.

Bryan: 00:56:44

She just.

Patrick: 00:56:44

Stupid.

Bryan: 00:56:45

So is Nikolai. She just has two stupid names. Character and Nikolai. Her name Nikolai?

Allison: 00:56:50

No, no. Nicola.

Patrick: 00:56:52

Nicola Nicolai. Sounds like E. Coli. Which probably is also in the hot tub.

Allison: 00:57:02

But she was crazy, too, because she

Bryan: 00:57:04

was our first reintroduction to her is this weird cutaway to US Mexico border.

Allison: 00:57:09

Yes, that's right. She hightailed it to Mexico.

Patrick: 00:57:14

I forgot that she hightailed it to Mexico and had to get smuggled in with people.

Bryan: 00:57:19

The best part is, like, all of

Patrick: 00:57:20

a sudden, with illegal immigrant Mexicans.

Allison: 00:57:21

Yes, yes.

Patrick: 00:57:22

Like, you're an American citizen.

Bryan: 00:57:24

Just come back, you see the truck open up and all these, like, Mexican, like, immigrants, like, getting out. And then you get. But there's no close up on her. They just kind of follow her, the side of her head to her back as she runs off.

And me and Allison are like, what did we just see? Who are we supposed to be looking at?

Patrick: 00:57:43

There's nothing wonderful wearing an outfit because everyone else is wearing, like, we're escaping a country peasant clothes. And she's like.

Allison: 00:57:53

But it was also, like, at sunset, because obviously they're trying to sneak back into the US Here. So you don't get, like, it's all, like, in shadow. And you obviously saw it was a woman. But I was like, who is that?

Patrick: 00:58:04

And I didn't just have to do with anything.

Allison: 00:58:07

Why are we in Mexico?

Bryan: 00:58:08

At points, Allison was paying so little attention to this movie because she's like, this is dumb. That when it said the CG said US Mexico border, I made sure to let Allison know, not watching the screen at that moment, I was like, wait a minute.

Allison: 00:58:22

I forgot that they put in Mexico. I thought maybe it took place in Mexico.

Patrick: 00:58:27

I forgot that they put up the one time they put up a title in the movie with U.S. mexico border, because they couldn't find any other way to tell you that, like, the fact that it was Mexicans coming out of a truck was not a clue that it might be the US Mexican border.

Bryan: 00:58:39

As far as I take you, the one line from the guy opening the truck. Yeah,

Allison: 00:58:51

That's. That's. That's how I would have written it.

Patrick: 00:58:54

That's. That's. That's. That's Allison Speedy Gonzalez imitation, which makes me so happy.

Bryan: 00:59:01

So then, yeah, they talk to the fiance, and he's like, oh, you want to see my fiance? She's in the hospital. Let me take you to the hospital. Okay.

Patrick: 00:59:11

And then I forgot about this. They take her to the hospital, and, okay, they're in the emergency room waiting room. This is the kid with the broken nose or whatever.

And then she's like, in the hallway. I'm like, she's been in a coma.

Bryan: 00:59:23

For how long?

Patrick: 00:59:23

She's in the hallway.

Allison: 00:59:25

There's just, like, no security at this hospital. Like, I'm sure we've all been to a hospital in our lives. Just some Rando is walking on through that usually, and nobody even gives them a second look.

That's pretty standard. And I like how the mom was taking care of that kid with, like, the busted up face.

Patrick: 00:59:41

And then.

Allison: 00:59:42

No, but no one was taking care of this kid with blood everywhere.

Bryan: 00:59:45

Nobody seemed to even concerned about a bloody child.

Allison: 00:59:47

But then when we come back.

Patrick: 00:59:49

Excuse me. We've got a former bachelor contestant in a coma in the hallway. She's got precedent over your child.

Do you know how many diseases she has from where she landed in?

Bryan: 00:59:59

She's a.

Patrick: 01:00:00

She's quarantined. Nobody's leaving this hospital. Now you have it.

Allison: 01:00:04

Now we're all gonna die.

Patrick: 01:00:06

Burn the room. Burn the room.

Allison: 01:00:09

What I loved was, like, maybe about 10 seconds later when they're like, oh, yep, that's Raina. That's her all right. And then they go to leave. There's a doctor helping the little boy, and he's just, like, magically, like, healed.

There's no blood. He's just magically healed. Like, Jesus works at that hospital.

Patrick: 01:00:25

I think actually, that was Scott from Big Brother 5.

Allison: 01:00:28

Was it?

Patrick: 01:00:29

Yeah.

Allison: 01:00:30

The doctor.

Patrick: 01:00:31

Yeah, no, that's what it says. It says he was Dr. Somebody.

Allison: 01:00:36

I didn't even notice him.

Patrick: 01:00:39

Well, I. Apparently, you have to watch gay porn to see people after they leave Big Brother.

Allison: 01:00:45

That's very true though, too.

Patrick: 01:00:46

Yeah, it really is. Really is. Zach, you got a future anyway.

Allison: 01:00:53

I'd watch that.

Patrick: 01:00:55

Yeah, you would. You would. He'd be like. He'd be doing that thing with his hands the whole time.

Bryan: 01:00:59

Gator bite.

Allison: 01:01:00

The gator bite?

Patrick: 01:01:01

Yeah, gator bite with my ass. What?

Bryan: 01:01:06

So, yeah, we find out the ghost isn't the ghost of a dead person. It's somehow the ghost of a trapped spirit.

Patrick: 01:01:11

Okay, I get it. That's fine. The ghost doesn't know where to go. Am I dead?

Bryan: 01:01:15

What's she doing in the woods? Swallowing up people in the ground.

Allison: 01:01:21

Swallowing people in the ground. It's true, though. I don't understand, like, this poor ghost. I get it. You're in limbo. You don't know what to do. But she has a mission.

She is killing cheaters on purpose. Like she's on a mission.

Patrick: 01:01:36

And. And by the way, that girl who got eaten by the ground, nobody misses her. Think about her again. Nobody cared.

Allison: 01:01:45

But, yeah, then one of my other favorite parts was when they. Hold on. I've just totally lost my place here. Lots of blood. No, because then I, like, jumped to that lava lamp scene, and that was pretty crazy.

Patrick: 01:01:59

Okay, we're not there yet because that was fucking magical.

Bryan: 01:02:04

That made everything else worth it.

Allison: 01:02:07

Oh, no, wait, I missed a page. I totally missed a page. So then they go to this restaurant, right?

Patrick: 01:02:12

Oh, my God.

Allison: 01:02:12

They're in the restaurant and they're like, can you believe Raina is alive? And then all of a sudden, the chick who came from Mexico.

Bryan: 01:02:19

Because first Mexico chick confronts fiance at a restaurant. Oh, at the.

Allison: 01:02:25

That's the scene I'm talking about where

Patrick: 01:02:27

some random guy from another reality show came up and stole his nacho.

Allison: 01:02:31

Oh, yeah, you're talking about the guy. The killer guy.

Patrick: 01:02:34

Yeah, killer guy. They had some pointless thing just to let us know who she was. Now we're like, okay, we get it now.

You were the girl that he was fucking in the video that she. Okay, you're the third party and he shipped you off to Mexico.

Bryan: 01:02:47

Yeah, that girl we've only seen in silhouette and then in darkness, so we never got a good look at her.

Patrick: 01:02:53

We saw her ass crack and her titties. So you should have identified her that at the second she got off the truck, she was the one who got off the truck from Mexico.

Allison: 01:03:02

Naked, obviously. So this movie uses the features. Clever twist. Not clever, not clever twist. The ghost is not really dead.

And then clever, not clever twist of who are we supposed to believe the real murderer is? Because the dude tells a different story than the chick, so we don't really know who to believe.

Patrick: 01:03:26

The Mexico girl says he did it. He says Mexico girl did it, so. Oh, my God. It's a literal

Patrick: 01:03:34

He said. She said.

Bryan: 01:03:35

Oh, my God, guess what?

Patrick: 01:03:37

Literally.

Bryan: 01:03:38

Oh. Either they never really explained that in

Allison: 01:03:40

the movie, but I think we can assume.

Bryan: 01:03:42

We all think it's the fiance dude.

Patrick: 01:03:44

Yeah. Because he's fat. He's fat.

Allison: 01:03:46

He is fat.

Patrick: 01:03:47

He was a bachelor and now he's fat. He's gotta be the killer.

Allison: 01:03:51

Obviously. Obviously. Then. So then there's actually.

Patrick: 01:03:54

Somebody even commented on that when they found the pictures. Yeah, the boyfriend goes, wow, he really let himself go.

Allison: 01:04:01

Yeah, that was hilarious, because he did.

Patrick: 01:04:05

There was a couple of other things that. Oh, yeah. When. When they're talking about. Oh, when Johnny Fairplay, after he dies, his girlfriend goes back. She's like, this is so hard.

I just had to get off the phone with his whole family. I even had to tell his grandmother that he died and she didn't believe Me, because that's the Johnny Fairplay joke.

Trish: 01:04:23

I've been at the police station all morning. After that, I've been on the phone telling his family the news. I can't even imagine, honey. The worst part is, is I had to tell his grandmother.

She could hardly believe me.

Patrick: 01:04:41

When he was on Survivor, they.

Allison: 01:04:43

He said his grandmother died.

Patrick: 01:04:44

His grandmother died, and they gave him a pass for something, some reward, you know, that you can go on the reward. His grandma died, and then, like, the next day, he won a reward where his brother got to come on. She was like, oh, and Grandma said, just say hello.

Busted.

Allison: 01:04:57

Totally, totally busted. But I like the little meta pieces. If it was like you said, if it was all that all the time,

Bryan: 01:05:04

a lot more of it. There was a sense of humor about the rest of the movie.

Patrick: 01:05:08

If they didn't think they were writing something serious, this would have been. Oh, my God, there were so many flip phones.

Allison: 01:05:13

Yeah, well, it was: 2005

Patrick: 01:05:14

I know that. But.

Allison: 01:05:18

But we totally dated ourselves in this movie, though, because it's like flip phone a palooza.

Patrick: 01:05:22

It was. I'm like. And they were like, the high end. They're like, we. I'm gonna get out of my BMW and open up my flip phone.

Allison: 01:05:30

Let me pull the antenna.

Patrick: 01:05:32

I don't even have app. What's an app? I believe that's the nacho that you just stole off my plate, sir.

Allison: 01:05:39

Yeah.

Patrick: 01:05:39

That was so cool.

Bryan: 01:05:40

Was the nacho stealer a guy? Because he made a look at the camera like, we should recognize him for stealing that nacho A wing.

Patrick: 01:05:46

Yeah.

Allison: 01:05:49

I have no idea who you are.

Patrick: 01:05:50

I don't know. I don't know either. Maybe I don't know. So, Fozzie. Yeah.

Allison: 01:05:55

Where's the nacho Steelers? I stole the nacho. I was on Real World, and I stole nachos on the Real World, too. Can you just imagine?

Like, that's what you're fucking known for, being the nacho stealer on the fucking Real World.

Patrick: 01:06:12

Well, it's better be. It's better being the girl that shat her pants on.

Bryan: 01:06:16

Yes.

Patrick: 01:06:17

On Flavor of Love.

Allison: 01:06:19

Like, your mom's writing the Christmas letter for the year. Oh, well. So it's had a really big year this year. Shat her pants on Flavor of Love right

Bryan: 01:06:28

in front of Flavor of Flavor and a Half of America.

Patrick: 01:06:31

She didn't get eliminated that week, but she eliminated herself something.

Bryan: 01:06:36

Got eliminated.

Patrick: 01:06:37

Gross. Gross. Okay. So, all right, now I had gone. Let's go back to Reichen. Is that his little job? Because he's got his little. His little cougar girl.

Which is fine. What I loved about this, she's working out. She's doing her pull downs, and there's absolutely no weight on the pull down machine. None, zero, Nothing.

She's not there for the workout.

Bryan: 01:06:59

She's there for the Reichen.

Patrick: 01:07:01

She wants to work out my vagina. That's what she wants. But he's like, totally gay but gross.

Bryan: 01:07:09

I mean, my girlfriend.

Patrick: 01:07:12

So, okay, so there's no weight on the machine. So she starts haggling a price. She decides, you know, everybody's for sale. Seth, don't you want Seth Co to happen?

Seth: 01:07:21

I don't work.

Seth: 01:07:23

I don't get paid.

Sandra: 01:07:25

Well, you know, my offer's still on the table.

Seth: 01:07:28

Sandra, I'm really flattered, but

Sandra: 01:07:31

what's your price?

Seth: 01:07:34

What?

Sandra: 01:07:35

I'll pay you to work me out. What's your price for the deluxe package?

Patrick: 01:07:43

Are you offering to pay me for sex?

Sandra: 01:07:46

You are a businessman, Seth.

Seth: 01:07:50

Thanks, but I'm not interested.

Patrick: 01:07:53

And at a certain point, like, he's like, oh. He goes, I'll do it for $40,000.

Allison: 01:07:59

And she's like, no, no.

Patrick: 01:08:02

What she said was, this is my favorite line from the movie. She said, For $40,000, I should get your dick in a jar.

Allison: 01:08:08

Yes.

Sandra: 01:08:10

Everyone has a price.

Seth: 01:08:12

$30,000.

Sandra: 01:08:14

30 grand. I should get your dick in a jar.

Allison: 01:08:18

That was the best line in the whole movie. I should get your dick in a jar.

Patrick: 01:08:25

And then somehow, much better than a dick in the box, because you can put this on display. It's a dick in a jar on your desk. Dick in a jar. Jaw full of dick.

Bryan: 01:08:35

You can suck my jar of dick.

Allison: 01:08:37

She'll put it next to, like, somebody else's dick jar. She just has a collection of collectors that she dusts every week, like, with a feather duster.

Patrick: 01:08:47

just. I think they decided on: 2750

Sandra: 01:09:00

I was thinking, like: 1500

Seth: 01:09:02

1500.

Seth: 01:09:04

Look, I'm not for sale.

Sandra: 01:09:06

Sounds like you are to me.: 2500

Seth: 01:09:20

3000.

Sandra: 01:09:27

27.50. Final offer.

Patrick: 01:09:35

$: 2750

Allison: 01:09:44

I'm like, you didn't even take his iPad little armband thing off.

Patrick: 01:09:46

Or his pants or his shirt. It was a parking lot bang for $2,500. I'm like, but then again, it was with a gay guy. So I Hope you kept your receipt, girl. And your herpes.

Your herples. I don't know what a herples is, but that happened.

Allison: 01:10:04

That was gross.

Patrick: 01:10:05

Yeah. But now. Now it gets really okay. And then I wrote down Reichen's ass. Ew.

Allison: 01:10:10

Yeah.

Patrick: 01:10:11

Yeah.

Allison: 01:10:12

And I wasn't sure. I was like, is he gonna be touching himself in the shower? Cause his hand kind of catches him. He washing his dick.

Patrick: 01:10:17

He was washing his dick.

Bryan: 01:10:20

He was washing his dick. And then he started crying. All we saw was him crying after him.

Patrick: 01:10:24

He was.

Allison: 01:10:24

He was crying. He was sad.

Patrick: 01:10:26

I throw that down. Oh, he's sad with his tramp stamp. Oh, God.

Allison: 01:10:29

I was just like. You can't just do, like, a normal shower. You literally need to be washing your dick and using your own tears as lubricant. You have to. You have to.

Patrick: 01:10:39

There's no soap in here. It's like a salt rub.

Bryan: 01:10:44

Oh, God.

Patrick: 01:10:45

And then, of course, he has to now have a rendezvous with his slutty girlfriend from the Daytime Emmys who's been not in his movie at all, except to show her tits while he's in the shower and then disappear. Now she's back, and I'm thinking, if they do it, she better smell his dick.

I'm thinking that song, let me smell your dick that's playing in the background.

Bryan: 01:11:01

No, we forgot. As he leaves the shower one more. He's upset. He's leaving the shower to leave the club one last time.

That we can get some bitch hitting on Raikin on Seth. As he's leaving

Patrick: 01:11:13

Well, because the other girl clearly had a big mouth or she was just in the parking lot. It's like, well, hey, that's going on.

Bryan: 01:11:20

Because every girl has to hit on Seth. That's like, the rule of this movie.

Allison: 01:11:24

And I like that he just kind of, like, looks down at the check and he's just, like, crying. Yep.

Patrick: 01:11:28

And she paid with a check. I love that.

Bryan: 01:11:30

That's the best.

Allison: 01:11:32

You never accept the check for sex. That thing is gonna bounce.

Patrick: 01:11:35

No, you don't. She left a paper trail. Herpetrail

Allison: 01:11:41

casual.

Patrick: 01:11:41

I would have loved if it had, like, kittens on it or something. But it didn't.

Bryan: 01:11:46

Garfield checks if it said "Bonin'" in the memo. That's what I would have wanted to see.

Allison: 01:11:52

Seth Co Bonin'.

Patrick: 01:11:54

With the apostrophe. No date.

Bryan: 01:11:56

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Patrick: 01:11:57

Bonus.

Allison: 01:11:58

Of course. Of course.

Bryan: 01:12:00

So then, yeah, he meets up with his shitty girlfriend.

Allison: 01:12:03

Yes. Yes.

Patrick: 01:12:05

It's Bryan's favorite scene.

Bryan: 01:12:07

It's everybody's favorite scene.

Patrick: 01:12:09

Take it away, Bryan.

Bryan: 01:12:11

So the first Thing. They almost start to go at it. And poor Seth is so consumed, he almost starts crying. Like, I have to tell you something.

And this whole time we're cutting away to watching the same bubble go up. The lava lamp, which is by the spike can in the 4:20 clock, just completely like.

Patrick: 01:12:31

I thought it was a reference to the Big brother fish tank, but clearly it was not, because.

Bryan: 01:12:35

So it just keeps building. And he finally was like, I cheated on you. And he doesn't even get to say why. She just starts yelling like, you're horrible. I hate you.

Oh, by the way, I fucked everybody, including Johnny Fairplay.

Patrick: 01:12:49

In the whole world. In the entire world.

Bryan: 01:12:52

I thought she was gonna say, and I did fuck that guy who took me to the Daytime Emmys. I thought that was gonna be the clincher.

Patrick: 01:12:59

No, but it was Johnny Fairplay.

Bryan: 01:13:01

I fucked Johnny Fairplay.

Patrick: 01:13:02

Yeah he's mad that you just fucked Johnny Fairplay, I'm like, and you were just kissing me with that mouth? bleh!

Allison: 01:13:10

Yes.

Bryan: 01:13:11

Suddenly, the lava lamp explodes.

Allison: 01:13:15

Just out of nowhere. It starts shaking, like in Ghostbusters, in that court scene where anger makes the thing shake.

Patrick: 01:13:23

And then they get slimed to death.

Seth: 01:13:24

Why? Why do you do this to me all the time? (SCREAMING)

Bryan: 01:13:47

Black goop is all over them and they're like, ah. And am I imagining. Am I putting this in there? We saw a shot of the fiance ghost coma, like, flying towards them with the goop.

Patrick: 01:14:00

Like, it was a split second of that. Yeah.

Bryan: 01:14:03

All right, good. I'm glad I didn't imagine that wonderful scene. Yeah.

And then they're just apparently burning to death while this black goop starts to consume their bodies.

Allison: 01:14:12

Because when we see them again, they're like this guy out of a burning building.

Bryan: 01:14:17

Yeah. When we see them again, they're back in the boning position.

Patrick: 01:14:19

All of a sudden, they're still stuck in the boat. That's right, because they have gotten up. Yeah.

Bryan: 01:14:23

Because they were standing when it exploded on them. So in their last moments, she posed.

Patrick: 01:14:27

She posed one last time.

Bryan: 01:14:29

And they're just like.

Allison: 01:14:30

The ghost was like, never forget.

Bryan: 01:14:32

They're just like black skeletons with, like, fire. Like, that consumed them from the inside out. Like.

Patrick: 01:14:37

And I'm like, was that supposed to be the wax from the lava lamp? Cause there's, like, about two teaspoons of wax in there. And, like. And then I decided it was Johnny Fairplay Semen. That's what I said.

Allison: 01:14:48

Well, that's. That makes more sense.

Bryan: 01:14:50

But you gotta admit, that was the best scene.

Allison: 01:14:52

The best scene ever. And it was even.

Patrick: 01:14:55

That was A shitty special effect. The thing they couldn't. They didn't even break the lava lamp. It was a CGI broken lava lamp. And then, like, the wax didn't match the lick.

It was so stupid.

Allison: 01:15:06

It was so stupid. But that is not the best scene. We'll get to the best scene.

Bryan: 01:15:09

As soon as that scene happened, we were just like, ah, finally something happened that was worth watching.

Allison: 01:15:14

So they're dead. They're teenagers.

Patrick: 01:15:16

I have that listed as the bukkake lava lamp of death.

Bryan: 01:15:21

Very true.

Allison: 01:15:23

So Raina, she wakes up in the hospital. And as she's leaving the hospital again, this hospital has no security. She's just walking down the stairs.

Patrick: 01:15:30

She just walks out. You know, she's not atrophied at all. She's good.

Allison: 01:15:33

No, she just walks right on out. And of course you have to get the ass shot.

Bryan: 01:15:37

The one. There was a little thing right before and after this lava lamp scene, which. That lava lamp scene was very long.

At one point we see Ethan, the crazy guy, walking in with the other couple to go see Raina because they've decided to take him to Raina.

Patrick: 01:15:55

And then we have guided tourists to Raina's.

Bryan: 01:16:00

Oh, God.

Patrick: 01:16:00

Yes. Yes. This is very important. Yes. This is disgusting.

Bryan: 01:16:03

We see them coming down the hallway and then all of a sudden it cuts to this lava lamp scene. That takes five, six minutes. It takes them five or six minutes to walk down this very short hallway. This is like not paying attention to the times

Patrick: 01:16:18

she was wearing clothes. Flip flops. And they're hard to walk in. It was really annoying me. Again with adr. I'm like, this would never happen in a movie.

No, but what we left out was there was the scene where the fiance was having his moment with Raina and then has sex with the amazing nurse. She was credited as the amazing nurse, by the way.

Allison: 01:16:40

Oh, my God.

Patrick: 01:16:41

Because guess what? She was on the Amazing Race. And yeah, so they have. She's like, do you Really want to do it here.

You're like, your dead girlfriend's like, right here. And she's like, she's not dead.

Bryan: 01:16:50

She's my fiance.

Allison: 01:16:52

She's my fiance.

Nurse: 01:16:53

I just got off shift. Are you ready to go?

Matt: 01:16:57

Why do we have to go anywhere?

Matt: 01:16:59

We're here.

Nurse: 01:17:03

Your girlfriend's like three feet away.

Patrick: 01:17:07

She's not my girlfriend. Technically, she's my fiance. She doesn't know where the hell she's at anyways. What do you, a doctor know? A Super scientist?

Nurse: 01:17:18

I don't know. It just feels weird, you know?

Matt: 01:17:24

Yeah.

Nurse: 01:17:24

Well, give me a minute. A minute? Yeah.

Matt: 01:17:28

For a little longer than a minute

Allison: 01:17:31

Yeah. And then you see that she's there. Like, he puts, like, her scrub pants down a little bit.

You see she's wearing like this disgusting G. Straight thong.

Patrick: 01:17:40

Yeah, she's wearing a thong. And because it's Malibu,

Allison: 01:17:45

I would never want a nurse to be, like, administering medical help to me in a thong. Call me crazy.

Bryan: 01:17:53

Well, you don't know, Allison.

Allison: 01:17:54

Yeah, the more you know.

Patrick: 01:17:56

But the thing is, they had tons of privacy. Cause they are in that hallway, but the curtain was drawn, so nobody's gonna know.

Allison: 01:18:01

No one's gonna see. No one's gonna see. And we were actually worried when they were walking.

When Ethan and the other couple were walking down the hallway in the hospital, Bryan was like, oh, snap. Are they gonna run into that?

Bryan: 01:18:13

I said, railing.

Allison: 01:18:14

Railing.

Bryan: 01:18:15

I was like, are we gonna see Matt rail that nurse?

Patrick: 01:18:17

Is that different than bonin'?

Bryan: 01:18:19

Yeah, completely. Bonin' is what Seth does in a parking lot. Railing is what you do to a nurse in the emergency room.

Patrick: 01:18:26

And I was thinking this would probably have been a good time for Raina's wrath, since it's happening right in front of her.

Allison: 01:18:32

Right in front of her.

Bryan: 01:18:33

But apparently, no.

Patrick: 01:18:35

She's hanging around the house, you know,

Bryan: 01:18:37

digging holes and the crowns outside the house.

Allison: 01:18:40

Yeah. Making lava lamps, explosions swallow people. But so then that happens and she wakes up after that, like, they go.

They visit, you know, Ethan is like, okay, we're going to wake you up and da, da, da, da. And I'm gonna go avenge you. Or whatever he decides he's gonna do. You can't understand a word he's saying.

So she wakes up and she leaves the hospital just like, on her own. No atrophy, no tubes connected to her, no nothing.

Patrick: 01:19:04

But no underpants because her butt's hanging out.

Allison: 01:19:06

And definitely no underpants because you had to get that shot of her walking away in the hospital gown that's open in the back and get the ass shot.

Patrick: 01:19:13

That was thing too. Cause I was wondering, are they gonna have her ass hanging out? And the first shot that you started walking down, it was closed.

Then the second two shots, it had mysteriously opened. It was like, somebody's like, we need some ass here, genius. Let's talk about once more with ass.

Bryan: 01:19:30

Yeah, exactly. Now I'm talking about the main chick's premonitions that she keeps getting from Raina. Well, that's just.

Patrick: 01:19:35

Don't go anywhere.

Bryan: 01:19:36

I know they don't.

Patrick: 01:19:37

I guess she's like, I'm possessed by her. But no, Except I just see her

Bryan: 01:19:42

in an insane asylum spreading blood everywhere on the walls.

Patrick: 01:19:45

Yeah.

Allison: 01:19:45

What was that about?

Bryan: 01:19:45

And that just leads to nothing, leads

Allison: 01:19:47

to nowhere, and it also leads to her, like, cat fighting at that restaurant. She's just not herself, which I thought was funny. The boyfriend's like, are you sure it's not just cramps?

Kirsten: 01:19:59

I've just been feeling kind of funny since we moved in.

Oliver: 01:20:02

Sure it's not cramps?

Patrick: 01:20:03

Yeah. Again, again, like, that's the level of dialogue.

Allison: 01:20:07

He thinks she's just on her monthly.

Patrick: 01:20:09

We got tampons, we've got yeast infections. We've got cramps. So this is all just women positive stuff.

Allison: 01:20:18

I couldn't believe he was just like, are you sure you're not just, like, menstruating or whatever the line was?

Patrick: 01:20:23

And it's like, no, he did say cramps. And that was her boyfriend. It wasn't like an asshole character. That was her boyfriend.

Bryan: 01:20:28

Yeah.

Allison: 01:20:29

Makes it even worse.

Patrick: 01:20:30

Oh, my gosh. I don't even want to talk about this anymore. I'm so tired. But okay, I just. This is.

Allison: 01:20:35

No, because we have to get to my favorite part. The lava lamp was not my favorite part.

Patrick: 01:20:40

Was it the amazing sheet fight?

Allison: 01:20:42

No, it was not the amazing sheet fight.

Patrick: 01:20:44

Okay, please go, go.

Bryan: 01:20:45

It was pretty epic.

Allison: 01:20:46

So everybody is like, so rain is up. Everybody's kind of converging back at this Malibu house, right? This rental house. And Matt's like, I'm gonna kill people.

Because Ethan goes to try and go kill Matt. He kills Ethan's character with a fishbowl, which is awesome.

Bryan: 01:21:04

There's way too much blood from a

Allison: 01:21:06

head, but there's way too much blood. They're just, like, crossing blood.

Patrick: 01:21:09

But here's the thing. You know, he fishbowl, and he kept bashing him with it. Yeah. And then he said apologetically, yeah, that's

Bryan: 01:21:16

what happens when you interrupt a man watching homemade porn.

Allison: 01:21:19

They did. He did interrupt watching homemade porn. And that poor fish died.

Bryan: 01:21:23

I just know no animal was harmed in the story.

Allison: 01:21:25

In the story, that fish would have died. He did not save the fish.

Patrick: 01:21:29

But here's the thing, though. He said, I loved those fish. There was one fish. Okay, you know what? He can't count either. He's fat, and he can't count.

Allison: 01:21:36

Okay? So now Ethan's dead.

Patrick: 01:21:39

Hashtag fatbachelorisstupid.

Allison: 01:21:42

At least it's not just me. So everybody's converging back on the house and this sheet, even though Raina's awake. She can still control shit.

And this sheet comes and tries to, like, kill the girlfriend that had the affair with her fiance. And, like, her leg gets broken.

Patrick: 01:22:00

Topless raises peanut butter cup. Girl.

Allison: 01:22:03

Yes, yes, her. And her leg gets broken. She's trying to crawl away.

And Matt comes and he's just trying to kick everybody's ass because now he's like, I'm not gonna let anybody know what happened. And then Raina shows up out of nowhere and she's just like. She was sitting on a bed upstairs, okay?

Bryan: 01:22:19

She was sitting on the bed with Steven when Chicky.

Allison: 01:22:23

And they try to bang and she tries to bang.

Bryan: 01:22:25

And he's like, I'm not Matt. You know, like, oh, okay. So then girl premonition girl runs up and is just like, matt's here and Rike just pass the room that you can't walk into.

All of a sudden Rike is there and nobody noticed how she got there.

Patrick: 01:22:43

I thought, who?

Bryan: 01:22:44

The main chick, Raina.

Allison: 01:22:46

Sorry, I thought you said Reichen. I was like, whoa. Not very.

Bryan: 01:22:49

I was wrong. So Raina is on the far side of the room that you can't walk into. I thought when.

I was thinking when she passed out, she went back into a coma and that was ghost Raina.

Allison: 01:22:58

And that's how she confronted her.

Bryan: 01:22:59

And that's how she was on the wrong side of the room right there.

Patrick: 01:23:01

Well, maybe that was the other ghost with the second set of eyes that were in the kitchen while the other set of eyes were in the living room. Whatever. The thing is, she was doing that scene with Matt on the bed. And it was kind of like she didn't know who.

I mean, it wasn't Matt, but whatever. It was Steve. And she's acting like. Like it was kind of seductive. And her face is really close to hers. I'm like, she just woke up from a coma.

All I'm thinking was, I wrote it down. Crypt breath.

Allison: 01:23:23

I didn't even think of that.

Patrick: 01:23:28

But then what was great too? She can't. Okay, so that other girl's dead now, but she got attacked.

Allison: 01:23:32

She's all dead. With the sheet.

Patrick: 01:23:34

With the sheet. She was attacked by a sheet for about 17 minutes.

Allison: 01:23:39

And then she goes into the.

Patrick: 01:23:41

But here's the thing. I'm thinking. I was thinking, is it like a CGI sheet? Cause sometimes it's glowing, sometimes it's got semen on it, sometimes it's not.

But I'm just thinking, this girl was rolling around on the floor with a sheet for hours while they shop this Trying to sell that this sheet is trying to kill me. And this is when I discovered that they had one stunt move. They did it three times. They did it when Johnny Fairplay got flipped down the stairs.

She got flipped by the sheet. You're gone again.

Bryan: 01:24:10

No, we're here.

Patrick: 01:24:11

Okay. And then. And then in the fight at the end, somebody else got flipped. There's, like, that ninja flip move. The very Buffy flip move.

I'm like, okay, they know how to do one stunt. And then the poor girl gets, like. She's. Her leg is broken somehow from the sheet. Because she's a girl in a horror movie. You like. You trip, you fall.

Your leg's broken. My earring fell out. I can't walk anymore. And then she ends up where she needs to end up. In the hot tub of herpes.

Allison: 01:24:36

Yeah, in the hot tub of herpes. This. Okay, this leads up, though all of this had to happen for this Raina moment to happen.

It was my favorite part of any movie I've ever seen ever in my life. Because, you know, the scars that they had put on these people? Oh, my God, they looked terrible.

Bryan: 01:24:56

They're just silly, but they look like Silly Putty.

Allison: 01:24:58

And at one point.

Patrick: 01:25:00

Cellophane tape.

Allison: 01:25:01

Yeah. Oh, yeah. So at the end of the movie, Raina decides. She puts her hand. She reaches her hand up to the scar that's on her.

Bryan: 01:25:09

She said, matt, I will love you till we're dead.

Raina: 01:25:12

You hurt me in every moment since. You've been hurting me over and over again. That's why I hurt all of them. All of those cheaters. They all deserve to die.

Matt: 01:25:34

Raina, I love you. I've always loved you,

Raina: 01:25:40

Matt. I loved you. I was in love with you And I will for the rest of our lives

Allison: 01:25:53

out there. She reaches her hand up to her neck and she rips open the scar.

Bryan: 01:25:59

And it just starts bleeding like the day she got cut.

Allison: 01:26:02

My reaction was, that's not how scars work. Like, you've been in this coma for years. That's scar.

Bryan: 01:26:09

That's how shitty bandaids work.

Patrick: 01:26:11

That's not how It's.

Allison: 01:26:12

She's bleeding out.

Matt: 01:26:15

Raina, what are you doing?

Matt: 01:26:16

Raina, no.

Allison: 01:26:17

What are you doing?

Matt: 01:26:21

No, Raina, no. Raina, no.

Matt: 01:26:25

What are you doing? Raina. Oh, no. What are you doing?

Matt: 01:26:30

Raina, no.

Allison: 01:26:33

Raina. And when she dies, her soul or whatever goes into Matt.

Bryan: 01:26:42

Choke Matt.

Allison: 01:26:43

Chokes Matt. And then all of a sudden, a fireplace poker jumps out of his chest. A fireplace poker jumps out of his

Bryan: 01:27:31

chest with his heart on it.

Allison: 01:27:33

With his heart on it like. Like an alien in that movie. Alien.

Bryan: 01:27:38

I forget what movie that is.

Allison: 01:27:39

I forget what movie it is.

Patrick: 01:27:41

That movie with the alien. What was that? Forrest Gump.

Allison: 01:27:46

Forrest Gump, that's what.

Patrick: 01:27:47

Oh, yes, okay. Yes.

Allison: 01:27:48

Forrest Gump.

Patrick: 01:27:49

That explains a lot about Forrest Gump actually.

Allison: 01:27:50

Yes, Everybody remembers that scene in Forrest Gump.

Bryan: 01:27:53

The famous alien scene in Forrest Gump.

Patrick: 01:27:55

Yes. Laugh is like a fire poker with a heart on it and it just

Allison: 01:27:59

jumps out of his body.

Bryan: 01:28:01

Forces hang out.

Patrick: 01:28:01

Because he was laying here.

No, because the thing is, that was funny too, because at a certain point in the movie, I realized every time anybody needed a weapon, they would go like into the house and get that one fire poker. I'm like, there's nothing else.

Allison: 01:28:11

There's no other weapons in the house whatsoever.

Patrick: 01:28:14

Is that a rock? Your hands. Nothing. Fire poker.

Allison: 01:28:17

Also, at one point, Raina's awake, but she obviously still controls things because at one point the candles are not lit and all of a sudden they go and they light and I'm just like, how is she still controlling stuff? She's awake now. She's just a human.

Patrick: 01:28:31

No, that was the power coming back on for the candles. Yeah, they were flameless candles from, you know.

Allison: 01:28:40

Wow, that would have been nicely.

Bryan: 01:28:42

Nicely done.

Patrick: 01:28:42

Nicely done. You're welcome.

Allison: 01:28:43

This all gets so they're dead. So Raina is now dead. Matt is now dead. Everybody's dead except for the couple.

Patrick: 01:28:52

Yeah, the boring couple.

Allison: 01:28:53

Boring couple. And they hug you and they're just watching this happen, by the way. They're just like holding each other. Just like with a thing of bathroom.

Patrick: 01:28:59

Yeah. They have nothing to do in the finale. Nothing.

Allison: 01:29:02

They're just like, I have nothing to do with this. My dog is not in this fight. You guys figure it out.

Patrick: 01:29:07

All I want to know is, am I getting my deposit back? Yes. Yes.

Allison: 01:29:11

So do I own this house now that he's dead? Do I just inherit it instantly? Like when, like when your roommate, like, dies in college, you get instant A's or whatever.

Patrick: 01:29:19

Yes. Yes.

Allison: 01:29:20

Do I get this house? And so then everybody's dead. The power comes on. And they couldn't have gotten that power on for like a week already. But then the power comes on.

Bryan: 01:29:31

So she was even controlling the power.

Patrick: 01:29:33

That's metaphor. It was. The dark night of terror was over. Yes.

Allison: 01:29:38

And then that was it. That's the movie. Oh, wait. No, it's not.

Bryan: 01:29:42

We have two more scenes because it's not over.

Patrick: 01:29:46

Yes. Please continue.

Bryan: 01:29:48

The sarcastic, hateful detective when questioned by the reporter Julie Chang is just like, oh, yeah, bunch of weird murders at this house. We've connected them all to that Matt guy. All right, later.

Julie Cheng: 01:30:02

Detective, would you please comment?

Detective: 01:30:04

Yes. We first suspected Mr. Robinson after the disappearance of Ms. Davenport from the hospital earlier.

As we went to find him and questioned him, we soon discovered a very long trail of dead bodies. Sorry, I can't comment any further.

Patrick: 01:30:20

And she made a face of the camera like, yeah, she winked and went,

Allison: 01:30:25

that's exactly what happened.

Bryan: 01:30:27

She was just like, so put on,

Patrick: 01:30:28

I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.

Bryan: 01:30:30

Yeah, someone got swallowed by the ground. I was here investigating Johnny Fairplay's death, and I'd have. No, he's not on the suspect list.

They're all connected to Matt now wearing the same pantsuit. Exactly.

Allison: 01:30:44

Because we shot this on the same day. Then we get the potential for a sequel. Is my favorite part. That's my favorite part is the very, very end when you find out Nicola is not dead.

Patrick: 01:30:59

Mexican refugee, Sheet Girl. naked tittie reese's pieces eating motherfucker. Yes, sir.

Allison: 01:31:07

She is not dead, but in a coma. And the whole thing fucking happens again.

Patrick: 01:31:13

So clearly the source of all evil is the hot tub. Clearly, that's what causes possession. That's why the spirits can't cross over. Because heaven's like nuh, and hell's like nuh.

We got enough plagues and shit down here. Whatever you were carrying is new. You can just hang out there when

Bryan: 01:31:29

the hot tubs in hell are full.

Allison: 01:31:31

Yeah, just get put in a coma.

Patrick: 01:31:33

The skanks will walk the earth.

Bryan: 01:31:35

Thank you for finishing that for me, Patrick. I couldn't find the best way to go.

Patrick: 01:31:39

You're welcome. My favorite thing in this whole thing when Raina came back was she was upstairs, right?

She had that seat and then she came down, as Bryan said, showed up in the room that she couldn't possibly have gotten into. But that's not the part right now. But she goes, well, Matt, I've had a lot of time to think and I thought. And put on makeup.

Oh, yeah, she's totally made up.

Allison: 01:32:07

It's totally how comas work.

Patrick: 01:32:10

It is. It just happens. You just gotta be awake for a while and your makeup comes back. Hey, it happened to Tara reid in Sharknado 2.

Bryan: 01:32:18

See, I haven't seen the Sharknado 2 yet.

Patrick: 01:32:21

Her arm got cut off. They did. Got bitten off by a shark the same day she escapes from the hospital.

And when she leaves the hospital, she's able to put on both of her earrings, do a full set of makeup, and put on a necklace with a clasp in the back. I'm like, that is science. That is fashion. She did it with her toes. It was like my left foot but with skanks.

Maybe it was with her broken titty or whatever. Because then I remember she had that weird tank thing with her tits. That happened. Wow. Wow.

Allison: 01:32:49

That is talent right there, Tara. That's why she's America's sweetheart.

Patrick: 01:32:55

She really is. That all shot, like, in my neighborhood. So it was all very funny. I'm like, oh, really? Yeah. I'm like, they're on my train. They're on my train.

The Sharks are on my train. And that train doesn't go there.

Allison: 01:33:05

Well, I'm glad you made it out alive.

Patrick: 01:33:06

I'm really lucky. I'm really lucky that the CGI Sharks didn't do anything. Come and get me. They did a lot of damage. Yup.

Allison: 01:33:14

Oh, yeah.

Bryan: 01:33:15

Science.

Allison: 01:33:15

Science.

Patrick: 01:33:20

Okay, I'm gonna steal something from your show.

Bryan: 01:33:23

Oh, please do.

Patrick: 01:33:25

Allison and Bryan, it's time for Cheers.

Allison: 01:33:28

And Cheers.

Bryan: 01:33:33

I'll give my cheers first.

Patrick: 01:33:34

Cheers.

Bryan: 01:33:34

That lovely I've seen. I cannot get over that. You told me it wasn't even the best scene. I think it's the best scene in the movie.

Allison: 01:33:42

The lava lamp.

Bryan: 01:33:42

The lava lamp scene. Jeers. Everybody's acting.

Allison: 01:33:46

Yes. Yes. My cheer is going to be for scars that you can remove and have blood gush out of.

And my jeer is going to be for that scene in the restaurant where they had the cat fight and all the extras kept changing that were sitting

Patrick: 01:34:02

behind the rest or kept changing or were not paying attention. And what I loved is that our heroine girl started the cat fight. She started slapping.

And then afterwards, the manager came over and goes, lunch is on me. Yeah.

Allison: 01:34:14

So she got a free lunch out of it. So that's gonna be my jeer. Cause that's just that. No.

Patrick: 01:34:18

Well, maybe you could take a lesson from that. Maybe you should just, like, start smacking bitches in a restaurant and see if you get free lunch.

Allison: 01:34:24

It's a jeer that I can turn into a cheer. It's the best kind of jeer.

Patrick: 01:34:30

We've all learned something here today.

Bryan: 01:34:36

I don't think we've learned anything. Yeah, I think we've learned that reality stars should just be reality stars.

Allison: 01:34:41

Yes. And what are your cheers and jeers, Patrick?

Patrick: 01:34:44

Oh, God. I didn't even think of anything.

Okay, you know what if I have it, you know, if I have to make a compliment sandwich, I had to say that the girl from Survivor was respectable if this was a better movie. Yeah, she was fine.

Allison: 01:34:57

Yeah.

Patrick: 01:35:00

What are my actual cheers? Oh my gosh, I don't know.

Bryan: 01:35:04

80 minutes.

Patrick: 01:35:07

I'll give her the genuine cheer. And the low point for me is just anything involving Johnny Fairplay is just so gross.

Allison: 01:35:16

He's gross.

Patrick: 01:35:17

He is. And he has this hot girlfriend who's apparently successful. And you're with him. What?

Allison: 01:35:23

That's where. That's really where I got pulled out of the movie.

Patrick: 01:35:28

That's where Suspension. Actually, no, my jer is actually for that. I've now discovered that the hot tub was the source of all the evil in the country. That's your sequel.

Allison: 01:35:36

You can never go into a hot.

Patrick: 01:35:38

That's your sequel.

Allison: 01:35:40

And those are our cheers and cheers.

Patrick: 01:35:42

And they are final. Well, good. So you guys recommended. Wait a second.

Bryan: 01:35:58

Yes.

Patrick: 01:35:58

Okay. This is from IMDb.

Bryan: 01:36:02

Oh, the reviews.

Patrick: 01:36:04

Oh, yes, yes. Nine stars. Nine from Nankiova fan. I don't know what that means. From Kentucky may contain spoilers.

I just watched finished watching the Scorned on E. I gave the movie an 8 out of 10. The unrated version will probably be a 10 out of 10. Yeah. The actress bad for the most part. Except for Trishelle.

Her chase death seat was pretty awesome and her Reese's Pieces nibbling was beyond compare. It doesn't say that. Jenna Lewis, the star. Stephen Hiller, boyfriend, bad. Stacy J. That was the black girl. Bob Guinea. I don't know who that is. Okay.

I mean, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Everybody else is good, but Trishelle Cantonella just really shines. Oh my gosh. It's just. Okay, I'm just trying to read this.

It brings you back to the good old days of the 70s and 80s horror movies where it was mainly about sex and violent. It's really genre breaking and it's a fun little ride.

Bryan: 01:37:17

It is none of those things.

Allison: 01:37:19

So just like does Rob Sestron.

Patrick: 01:37:20

That is why Rob saystornino's mom.

Allison: 01:37:22

I was just gonna say, does he have family in Kentucky? Is that what happens?

Patrick: 01:37:25

Uh huh. I guess so.

Bryan: 01:37:28

Wow.

Allison: 01:37:29

Written by the director. So what I'm curious, do you have like the IMDb plot of this movie? What did IMDb say it was about?

Patrick: 01:37:38

Oh, okay, let's. Give me a minute and I will. Well, it's probably. Probably the same as the Netflix.

Allison: 01:37:43

Yeah. Oh, this is on Netflix?

Patrick: 01:37:45

Yeah, that's where I got it from.

Allison: 01:37:46

This is taking up streaming space in the broadband universe.

Patrick: 01:37:50

No, no, no. You have to have a separate plan to get this Mac little piece of metal. Oh, it's dvd.

Allison: 01:37:54

Wait, it's on dvd?

Patrick: 01:37:56

Yes. It is.

Allison: 01:37:56

Oh Jesus.

Patrick: 01:37:57

Yes. If you.

I learned from the commercial, had you ordered it, you would have gotten the double DVD set which had the entire series of Kill Reality on the other.

Allison: 01:38:07

So that might have been worth it.

Patrick: 01:38:08

But that you can't get. That you can't get.

Allison: 01:38:12

Yeah, because the Kill Reality show I probably would have watched and enjoyed. Let's be honest, I would have watched that and enjoyed it.

Patrick: 01:38:18

Okay. In a hidden beach house on the malibu shore, a 20 something couple have a spitting mad lovers quarrel.

The boyfriend storms out into the arms of their housemates. When the infidel. This is boring already. When the infidelity is discovered, horrible violence ensues.

Ending with the housemaid makes soaked in blood, the boyfriend crying. 17. This is the whole thing, okay? This is. These people can't write anything.

Allison: 01:38:44

Where's the intrigue? Where am I supposed to like? And crazy killing ensues.

Patrick: 01:38:49

A hot group of 20 somethings ha. Move into an abandoned beach house. All of them unaware of the evil that happened in the place over a year ago. Temptation rises.

And one by one, each of them betray his or her love and must be punished for their sins as an avenging angel of death comes back to take care of business.

Allison: 01:39:08

An angel of death, wow. See now if I read that synopsis, that summary, that plot of I'm doing, I'd be like, oh well that might be not terrible. That could be interesting.

And then I saw it and no, but yeah, I can't put my finger on it of what I would have. I could not have written that synopsis.

Patrick: 01:39:29

No, no.

I'm really kind of upset they didn't have anybody from Temptation island now that they brought up Temptation because you know, gonna be scraping the bottom of the barrel with Paradise Hotel. Then you really need to go to the bottom of that barrel. You need to get to the bottom of that hot tub and you gotta get out the wire brush.

Allison: 01:39:48

I cannot never get that 90 minutes of my life back.

Patrick: 01:39:51

No, I can't. But you know what? I can't get those three hours of Big Brush of my life back. Cause I only watch it for you guys.

Bryan: 01:40:00

This is in probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen like list. It is, it is.

Allison: 01:40:06

Like what else is on that list?

Bryan: 01:40:07

There's this movie that me and Bryan Wolford have talked about reviewing sometime for Drunken Zombie when I'm in town again. It was a fan made sequel to Scream called Scream Louder which we did watch back in our 20s when he got the VHS from the director writer and then.

Patrick: 01:40:24

Yeah, oh, VHS no.

Bryan: 01:40:27

Yes, it is excellent. And I guess it's all up on YouTube. When he found that out, he's like, we really have to do this sometime.

The only other one is this little movie that was made back in the late 70s that me and Allison actually saw in a real cinema. It was called Black Devil Dolphin.

Allison: 01:40:43

I was gonna bring that up.

Patrick: 01:40:45

That movie is horrid. Yes.

Bryan: 01:40:47

I'm so glad you've seen it, Patrick.

Patrick: 01:40:49

I couldn't get through it. It might be fun with a crowd at like a midnight movie kind of thing, but in general, I'm just like, this is horrendous. I absolutely.

Who did you make this movie for?

Bryan: 01:41:00

I thought it was funny. The entire thing. Throughout the entire movie, Allison's like, can we go? And as soon as. Can we go? Like something that would happen right now.

Allison: 01:41:11

The doll would rape a girl.

Patrick: 01:41:13

Uh huh. Uh huh. I can't find scream louder on YouTube.

Bryan: 01:41:19

You can't find scream louder on YouTube?

Patrick: 01:41:21

No, I just get a Michael Jackson song. Let me try Movies.

Allison: 01:41:26

It's that hidden gem on YouTube. You really gotta put in some.

Bryan: 01:41:30

Maybe it got taken down because this was a while ago.

Patrick: 01:41:33

I see something called decapitated. Scream Louder. Scream louder. Scream Louder with un. Nope, that's not it. Nope. I see nothing. Damn.

Bryan: 01:41:43

We'll have to ask Wolfie if he can get that for us. But yeah, I know. A black devil doll from hell. Oh, it was fun to me. And Allison did not like it.

But the cinema was feeding us beer like there was just free for everybody.

Patrick: 01:41:56

Well, there you go.

Allison: 01:41:58

So we stayed.

Bryan: 01:41:59

Yeah, so we stayed. Wait.

Patrick: 01:42:01

Uh huh. Wait a minute. It's not the louder the scream, is it?

Bryan: 01:42:05

No, it's called Scream Louder.

Patrick: 01:42:07

Okay, forget it then. Forget it. I don't know what. I don't know what you got. I don't have nothing for you, Bryan.

Allison: 01:42:12

You blew it.

Patrick: 01:42:13

You're lying. You're lying. I wish you made it yourself. You made it with Bryan.

Bryan: 01:42:20

I wish you should have seen the movie you wanted to make back when we were that young.

Patrick: 01:42:24

Like that one with Randy dressed as a clown in the car or whatever. That weird fucking thing.

Bryan: 01:42:28

I have not seen that one. You're not talking about my friend the zombie, are you?

Patrick: 01:42:32

That's the one. I'm sorry. In my head, he became a clown because it just. It's the creepiest thing for Randy to be.

Bryan: 01:42:38

Randy played my wife.

Patrick: 01:42:39

Of course he did.

Bryan: 01:42:40

I was the dad in that. Of course he did recognize me when I was.

Patrick: 01:42:44

I think he only put up a clip from Randy walking Around, and I just said, he still looks like a fucking child molester. He knows it. I'll tell him that to his face.

Allison: 01:42:56

He takes it as a compliment.

Patrick: 01:42:57

I know that. I know that. I told him like I told his drunken zombie crew. You guys, if you ever come to New York, you're always welcome to stay with me.

Except for Randy, because I live across the street from a school. He's gonna have to keep his distance or at least introduce himself to the neighbors or something.

Allison: 01:43:12

Yeah, he's gonna have to give out that flyer, you know,

Bryan: 01:43:17

run.

Patrick: 01:43:19

So anyway, guys, thank you so much for finally coming on the show. I wish it was a better movie, but on the other hand, I'm kind of glad that it was. Cause this was a lot more fun.

Bryan: 01:43:27

Very true.

Allison: 01:43:27

Thank you so much for having us.

Patrick: 01:43:28

Yeah, thanks for bringing us up. You're very welcome. So, again, where can people find you?

Bryan: 01:43:32

Oh, you can find us@notmakefriends.com and our

Allison: 01:43:35

podcast is on itunes. You can just search. I'm not here to make friends and subscribe on itunes.

Patrick: 01:43:40

And you're also on Stitcher, if you

Allison: 01:43:41

didn't know that we are on Stitcher.

Bryan: 01:43:43

You know, at one point, Stitcher told us we were gonna be on Stitcher and then never told us anything after that.

Allison: 01:43:49

But people listen on Stitcher, so that's.

Bryan: 01:43:50

I'm happy we're on Stitcher.

Patrick: 01:43:52

I listen on Stitcher. Do you Stitcher? Yes, Stitcher. They're one of my sponsors. Stitcher Smart Radio.

Allison: 01:43:58

There you go. Stitcher. We are on Stitcher. And we are on Twitter. Our Twitter handle is otmakefriends. So hit us up there.

Patrick: 01:44:05

Yeah. So, yes, they put on a show once a week, so, you know, watch a week's worth of Big Brother. Or you can be like me and tweet them live.

Tweet them constantly during the show. So they'll read out 17 hours of tweets on their episode where they're joined by big brother Mike, who is the coolest Big Brother expert.

Bryan: 01:44:22

Big brother Mike. Yeah.

Patrick: 01:44:23

Now that you guys are not the coolest, but he's the coolest. You know he is.

Allison: 01:44:27

I know. That's why I pay him the big bucks.

Patrick: 01:44:29

Like I said, he's like Don Knotts cool. He's cooler than Don Knotts, and that is really fucking cool. Okay, Allison, Bryan, thank you very much for being here. Thank you, Bozzy.

Oh, well, you had your chance. You had your chance.

Bryan: 01:44:45

He's gonna watch this movie twice as penance.

Patrick: 01:44:48

No, he won't. He'll probably like it. Be like, oh, yeah, I know her. I know her, I know her. I know her. I know her. I know her. Ugh.

Bryan: 01:44:54

Good.

Patrick: 01:44:55

I hope everyone got shots after this movie was done. And speaking of which, let's all go have shots.

Bryan: 01:45:04

Yay.

Patrick: 01:45:04

The bar's open.

Bryan: 01:45:06

Yay.

Patrick: 01:45:15

All of the music for tonight's show, unless otherwise specified, has been written by Sam Haynes. You can find all of his music@www.bandcamp.com.

Bryan: 01:45:35

Ow.

Allison: 01:45:38

Ew.