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The Tennis Stop
Episode 7 • 21st August 2025 • Grack Public Access • Jen deHaan
00:00:00 00:51:55

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With Tog away touring with Hoobastank, producer "Jen deHaan" steps in to co-host with Parker Spoon from the back hallway near the washrooms of The Tennis Stop in Grackleton.

Surrounded by the pungent odour of urinal cakes, Parker develops a system for classifying bathroom visits ("watering" vs. "fig pudding") and attempts to recreate a childhood fantasy as the "Stardust Man" by throwing corn chips. Their discussion is interrupted when Parker tries to befriend but ends up angering a man in the washroom who we meet a few more times before the show's end.

Resources:

Do you fold or wad your TP? Here's the math, in that link I promised ya: https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/fold-or-wad-toilet-paper-physics

============

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Credits, contact, and more info

This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, edited, directed, and produced by Jen deHaan. Some elements of this show are scripted, but most of it is improvised by the cast.

WATCH "PRODUCER JEN'S" VIDEOS between each episode for bonus content! Find them on YouTube Shorts here, Instagram, TikTok, or Bluesky.

You can also find the character Tog Chesterfield in the completed audio drama Unf*ck Your Life: An Audio Drama wherever you find podcasts.

Cast (season one):

  • Jen deHaan as Tog Chesterfield, "herself", Maureen Faucet-Clooder, Mrs. Spoon, and additional voices
  • Adam as Parker Spoon

Any guests noted in show notes above.

=============================

Production and Links

Artwork, logo, and graphics: Jen deHaan.

Transcript: For each episode on their page on this show's page at StereoForest here.

More show info/contact: stereoforest.com/grack

Support the show (one time tip): stereoforest.com/tip

Review this show: On Podchaser here podchaser.com/grackpublicaccess

Comedy and audio fiction newsletter: StereoForest.com/subscribe

Follow on social media: YouTube, Bluesky, TikTok

This podcast is a StereoForest production. Made and produced in British Columbia, Canada.

Transcripts

WEBVTT

::

[MUSIC PLAYING]

::

Hello, everybody.

::

You're listening to "Grack Public Access" on 101.7 FM, the

"Grack."

::

We are in Grackleton today.

::

And you're here with a one different co-host.

::

You're here with Jen deHaan and Parker Spoon.

::

Hello, Parker.

::

Thank you for saying my name as we discussed earlier.

::

And I appreciate that.

::

My pleasure.

::

My pleasure, buddy.

::

There is-- I'm going to start out

::

with a brief seascape for the listeners.

::

Looking around, there is a cacophony of noises and smells.

::

It is the mixture of the rubber scent of tennis balls

::

and the very pungent smell of urinal cleaning solution.

::

And--

::

That is true.

::

Yeah.

::

Do you want to say where we are?

::

Because that will inform.

::

Absolutely.

::

You built up the suspense so well there, Parker.

::

It is a sense, because I like to build suspense with sense.

::

Yeah.

::

It is a sense suspense.

::

We are in the tennis stop this week here in Grackleton.

::

The tennis stop.

::

We are situated, what Parker's referring to there, near

the washroom.

::

That's where they told me to set up this Costco table.

::

So that's where we're sitting, Parker and I.

::

It's a nice establishment, though.

::

It's got the little shop here.

::

It's got a lot of tennis paraphernalia, I guess you'd call

it, tennis stuff at the tennis

::

stop.

::

And they've got some courts out back where people are

playing tennis right now.

::

I can't see the-- so the interesting thing about the tennis

stop is from my-- because

::

when I usually walk in a place, I like to be surprised after I

sit down so I don't look

::

up until I sit down.

::

Yeah.

::

It's tough to get you in here without bumping into stuff,

though.

::

Yeah.

::

Because life is-- what is life if not a bunch of little

wonderful surprises?

::

So when I sat down and I finally looked up, I was in a hallway

near-- there was tile floor

::

and green and white tiles.

::

But there's a poster on the wall with tennis rackets, but I

don't see anything else other

::

than a hallway and lots of smells.

::

Yeah.

::

Lots of smells.

::

That's going to-- but I've heard and experienced as well

that our noses might get used to this

::

after a little while.

::

OK.

::

Well, that's wonderful.

::

I'll just sit here and-- you know, the one thing that I do

recognize--

::

Yeah.

::

Hello, sir.

::

There he goes.

::

Watch this.

::

This is the fun part.

::

So sometimes-- and I don't want to get-- oh, this is going to

be shocking a little bit.

::

Do your shock, jock thing there.

::

So sometimes someone goes into the washrooms and they

leave after a minute and a half, which

::

means they went to water.

::

And sometimes they leave after like, come on.

::

I'll keep doing that.

::

I mean, that's what you mean.

::

I mean, we know what watering means.

::

Everybody does.

::

You know what Parker's getting at if I just use the actual

word.

::

I mean, everyone's translating it inside their heads.

::

It doesn't know, but we won't say that, OK?

::

All right.

::

Sometimes they're there for five minutes and you know they

just made fig pudding.

::

Fig pudding.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, that's-- I mean, I actually--

::

I know.

::

Because everybody knows-- I'm not going to translate

because Parker, I got to say, I like that

::

terminology.

::

OK.

::

I'm not a fan of the term that you just used.

::

Wonderful.

::

But actually, what I want to do, though, is see if you're

accurate on the timing because

::

I'm not sure because there's some, I could say, at least

seven minutes.

::

That it was probably a little bit more of a dried cat turd.

::

No, come on, OK, enough.

::

I went too close.

::

I like fig pudding better.

::

But you know that if they take longer, it's not the

consistency of fig pudding.

::

It's not a pudding.

::

We're grossing people out already and that's not the

purpose.

::

The purpose of this podcast is to spread love and joy and

happiness across all of Graggleton.

::

That's one of them, but they're also supposed to learn

about the place we're in, learn about

::

the sponsors, learn about what's happening.

::

This is a public access radio show.

::

I mean, like, your news section has been really subpar the

past five episodes.

::

Like, I've barely learned the news when I listen back and

produce the episodes.

::

Like I listen to it.

::

I'm like, OK, yeah, that's the heading.

::

You got the heading.

::

OK, this is, you know, if the secondary purpose of this is

the news, the first one is to spread.

::

Have you ever heard of the Stardust Man?

::

The Stardust Man?

::

No, I haven't.

::

Yeah.

::

So it's something that I used to make up in my head.

::

And so what it would be was when you would wish upon a star at

night and out of the star,

::

dancing out of the stars would be a man with a mustache and a

top hat.

::

And he would wear a wonderful, a very expensive suit.

::

It looked like one of those Italian suits.

::

And he wore the best shoes and he would come and he would

dance on the rooftops and he

::

would spread joy and laughter with his dance steps.

::

And here, watch this.

::

Hold on.

::

OK, I'm watching.

::

I'm watching.

::

I'm watching.

::

This will be good.

::

He would go like this.

::

Then he had a bag of glitter which would be Stardust.

::

Oh, OK.

::

Well, yeah, I got it in my head, though.

::

Yeah, I'm going to take, hold on, I'm going to open up this

bag of crunches.

::

Oh, boy.

::

And now, because people want it to be good, and he would go

like this.

::

I'm going to scroll down.

::

OK, I think spilled.

::

I'm sorry.

::

Don't.

::

That's OK.

::

I'm going to.

::

I think corn chip, big pudding and corn chip.

::

If it's seven plus minutes, it's probably we could call

them corn chips.

::

Well, instead of cat food, you'd probably like.

::

Should I tell someone that I spilled the corn chips?

::

Really, we should be probably cleaning up after

ourselves, I would think.

::

We'll sweep it later.

::

Actually, you know what?

::

We should probably tell everyone why I'm here and not talk

Chesterfield because we're,

::

we've really built up the suspense on that one.

::

We haven't said why I'm here.

::

That's a sense because, um, yeah, we'll say and we'll say so

sense, not suspense.

::

Remember?

::

Oh, so sense.

::

That's right, because the the the shit, the shit smells

that are all.

::

OK, but now it's this now.

::

I don't have the bleep box with me.

::

I'll I can bleep it out later.

::

I'll leave it out in post.

::

Yeah, I'll bleep it out in post.

::

I'm going to be quiet for a second and you tell them why and

then.

::

Oh, right, right.

::

That's what I was doing.

::

See, thank you, Parker.

::

Thank you.

::

I forgot what I was about to do.

::

Listener.

::

So talk Chesterfield isn't here this week because talk is

out lucky person with

::

Hube stank, like touring around with Hube stank.

::

Probably we're talking about this before the show

started, like groupie or a roadie,

::

maybe writing something for the Grappleton Gazette.

::

I would imagine talk just took off.

::

Hube stank came through Grappleton and then talk just left

a post it that said off with

::

Hube stank.

::

So exciting times for talk.

::

But also I'm here to do the show.

::

So you you're stuck with me for now.

::

I would I for one would like to welcome you.

::

Thank you.

::

Yeah, again, like, like, you know, just imagine, imagine

star dust man sprinkling glitter on

::

your face.

::

That I think I've had happen before.

::

But I mean, it's a it's a it's a euphemism, like kind of like a

metaphor, we would say

::

Parker euphemism.

::

I don't even know if I'm using that word right.

::

Shooting star dust all over my face.

::

Okay.

::

So ladies and gentlemen, we are at the wonderful wondrous

hallway.

::

He's still not out from there.

::

No, I've got my clock going, though, to see to see what how

long this is going to be.

::

I think it's going to be corn chips, corn chips for sure on

this one.

::

So my one of the things my we used to talk about, talk and I is

how much we have to be

::

there for one another at all times in society because we are

lovely and everybody's lovely

::

and we love everyone.

::

We do.

::

Well, most people.

::

I mean, there are some people.

::

Well, there are some people.

::

There are some people.

::

Yeah.

::

But I'm going to go in and check on him for a second.

::

Oh, how nice.

::

Yeah.

::

Okay.

::

Just to get what if he fell down and or something happened.

::

So you're going to you're going to you're going to go into

the washroom there.

::

You're going to go try to find the stalt.

::

Like did you get a good look at the shoes?

::

Yeah, yeah.

::

That was 100 percent.

::

I did the other blue.

::

They had white stripes on them.

::

There were lovely shoes.

::

Oh, like a probably like a boat shoe or something if it was

striped.

::

Boat or canoe or something.

::

Yeah.

::

All right.

::

So you're going to get you're going to go and then are you

going to knock on the stall

::

and actually ask him what he's doing in there?

::

No, I'm going to know I'm going to have a conversation with

him.

::

Oh, OK.

::

Well, as long as I get a full report on the other side by

Parker.

::

OK, good luck.

::

All right.

::

Well, this I think is when we're supposed to do the the week

in the Gazette.

::

So I'll just get us started while we're waiting for Parker

to go harass someone in the washroom.

::

I actually don't have the headlines, though, because Tog

was the one that always brought

::

them from the the Gazette, right?

::

So I'm going to talk about some news because the news this

week in Gragleton is all about

::

Barty Bundle.

::

I mean, everyone's talking about Barty Bundle went out

hiking by the haunted mines with

::

a whole group of people was there when they started out was

not there when they got back.

::

Barty Bundle is gone.

::

We don't know if Barty Bundle just skipped town.

::

We don't know if Barty Bundle maybe went touring with

Hubekstang.

::

Maybe Tog has found Barty, but we don't know what happened

to Barty Bundle.

::

And we also don't have the municipal water quality report

redo show at all on one to

::

one point seven FN the crack anymore.

::

So we're all wondering where Barty is.

::

If you've seen Barty, call someone and tell them.

::

And then that will hopefully get back to the authorities or

whoever's looking for him.

::

So that's where we're at with the news.

::

That's all I got.

::

Parker, how are you doing back there?

::

I don't know if Parker can hear me.

::

Nope.

::

All right.

::

Well, okay.

::

Well, there's a boat shoes is walking out looking not so

happy listener.

::

This is interesting.

::

Oh, Parker, buddy.

::

Oh, yeah.

::

Don't mention anything to the listener.

::

I'll continue and we'll talk about whatever kind of news

you want.

::

But I think I need to ask about what this there's like some

kind of slime covering.

::

I'm guessing that's the soap from the soap dispenser.

::

You're clean.

::

I thought that I would try to be nice and I because he was in

there for a while and I

::

started folding up toilet paper because everybody likes,

you don't want to pump toilet paper together.

::

You want to fold nicely.

::

Yeah.

::

And I was sliding it under the style to him with my on my foot.

::

So I was using my foot as like a vessel for the toilet paper

and I made a boat noise when I slid it under there.

::

You made a boat noise for the paper sliding under the door.

::

Well, yeah, I said, you know, like you ever do that you're

like the stall and there's someone next to you and go here

comes the toilet paper.

::

And then you go.

::

I have never once done that in my entire life, Parker.

::

And it's a well, it's a thing.

::

Also, I'm a clumper.

::

I'm not a folder.

::

Okay.

::

Well, that's neither here nor there, but it's a thing that

people do.

::

You can look it up on the Internet.

::

Oh, okay.

::

I'll do that.

::

You try to you check.

::

Yeah, you have to be if you're somebody else, you know,

someone might not.

::

You know what I'm going to do?

::

I'm going to look that up on the Internet and I'll add

something in post about what I find.

::

So according to Dan Clarehan in The New York Times, who is a

long time veteran in the paper industry, North Americans

prefer a toilet paper wad over the fold.

::

70% of North Americans wad their TP into a clump and 90% of

Europeans fold.

::

And Dr. Sam Navarro, after a whole boatload of math says,

and I quote,

::

"The ideal solution for wiping your bum lies in the middle,

a hybrid solution of folding TP for coverage and wadding

the first couple squares for maximum efficiency."

::

I'll put the link in the show notes for this radio show.

::

That check.

::

And, well, that person said he didn't, he said, I don't know

if you heard in there.

::

He said, "I don't need the toilet paper."

::

Right.

::

And I said, "Well, what about if it was on a horse carriage?"

::

And then I went, "Nay, nay, like a horse would."

::

And I, you know, moved my foot along.

::

Right.

::

And he said, "Stop it.

::

I'm trying to go to the bathroom."

::

Yeah.

::

And then...

::

As a reasonable person, would say?

::

He finished off and he, I went to, I said, "Sir, I hope that

was wonderful."

::

And he said, "You should really learn your matters and your

ABCs."

::

I don't know if he said that, but he said something like that.

::

Right.

::

And then, you know, put up the pink hand soap and he dumped it

on my face.

::

Dumped it on your face.

::

So it is the hand soap?

::

I mean, that's...

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Like, I've been...

::

I look like I'm a...

::

I look like I'm a melting candle right now.

::

Right.

::

Yeah, you actually do.

::

You kind of look like that cartoon character, you know,

from the movie that has the candle

::

stick.

::

I don't know.

::

Is that Beauty and the Beast?

::

I think that's Beauty and the Beast, right?

::

I love that one.

::

Yeah.

::

That's a good movie.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, it's my favorite.

::

That's...

::

Right.

::

They...

::

Everyone's dancing around and there's...

::

Yeah, one time when I was out at the dinner for...

::

He was my mom's 70th birthday and...

::

Congratulations, Mrs. Spoon.

::

Whatever year that was, because that was in the past.

::

Yeah.

::

And, yeah, so long story short, I'm not supposed to dance on

tables.

::

Yeah.

::

That's probably a pretty good...

::

Yeah.

::

Pretty...

::

That is sage advice from Mrs. Spoon not to dance on tables,

because I can see someone

::

of your...

::

Sorry?

::

That was not just my mom.

::

That was my mom.

::

And then I got a letter from the maitre d'hé restaurant and

the bartender as well.

::

Okay.

::

So sage advice from multiple parties.

::

The mayor happened to be there.

::

Oh, and did the mayor say something or give you a note?

::

He was...

::

He gave me a note as well.

::

A note?

::

He had a letter head with him and he...

::

I guess he had...

::

It was such a serious offense that he had somebody type it

out.

::

Type it out.

::

So did he...

::

Did someone type it out there or did they leave?

::

Type it out and then you got it in the mail afterwards?

::

You know, it's funny because he had it like...

::

It was...

::

It's like as if he knew I would...

::

Because he had creme brulee and I had put my foot in his creme

brulee.

::

Right.

::

Yeah, that would do it.

::

That would do it right good.

::

So...

::

But that was not on purpose.

::

That was...

::

Well, no, that sounds like an accident, but it sounds like

an accident that could have

::

been easily avoided by not doing a rather spontaneous and

ridiculous thing.

::

I've already been chastised about this and I realized that

what I did was wrong because

::

you're not supposed to break somebody else's creme brulee

sugar bolt.

::

Right, but I'm also going to say like it shows remarkable

restraint to encounter this kind

::

of behavior at an establishment for them to have someone

step in their dance up there

::

on the table, step in creme brulee and not say anything in

the moment, but to actually

::

take the time and care to craft a letter on letterhead,

typed up formally and give to

::

you at a later time and not like, I don't know, deal with it

right in the moment.

::

Can we...

::

Do you mind if we...

::

The sense...

::

I...

::

I want to move.

::

I don't like it here after this experience I've had.

::

Yeah, no, you're right.

::

This is...

::

And I got to say my nose isn't getting used to the smell.

::

I said...

::

No.

::

I mean, it actually isn't.

::

We've been here for, I don't know, like we talked before the

show started a good half

::

hour.

::

Four hours?

::

Yeah.

::

Oh, geez, has it been that long?

::

I don't know.

::

Oh, time goes so fast with you, Parker.

::

I'm looking at my watch.

::

It was...

::

It was half an hour.

::

Oh, okay.

::

Well, yeah, that makes a little bit more sense.

::

I would be surprised if time was just with them by spending

it with you.

::

Anyways, we should move the table.

::

We should move the table.

::

Yeah.

::

All right.

::

So why don't we go to an ad from our sponsor?

::

I haven't even mentioned the sponsor or the theme.

::

I'm not being a good host.

::

You're doing a wonderful job.

::

And Mr. Stardust would be proud of you if that makes you feel

better.

::

Thanks.

::

It sure.

::

It really doesn't, but I'm having a lot of really, really

dark, interesting memories

::

of being sprayed on the face.

::

Our theme is venomous spiders.

::

And our sponsor, who we're going to be hearing from any

moment now, is piano lessons with

::

Lorna Spat.

::

Lorna Spat.

::

Oh, Lorna.

::

Speaking of getting it in the face.

::

What's that?

::

I don't understand.

::

What would you talk to them about?

::

Right in the face and being spat on is just things that go

together.

::

Why would someone, why would someone, that would, these

are very awful mean things.

::

You're probably thinking of being spat on in a negative

sense.

::

I got it.

::

That's probably all you've experienced.

::

It's okay, Parker.

::

Move the table.

::

We should move the table and we'll just go to the ad.

::

So, okay.

::

Yeah.

::

Let me start collecting.

::

We should, there's a lot of stuff.

::

There's corn chips.

::

Should we clean these corn chips up too?

::

Yeah, no, I am.

::

We should probably do that.

::

You don't need a vacuum because you got one.

::

Oh, no, you're not going to eat those.

::

Parker, you shouldn't eat them.

::

I was talking about sweeping them up and throwing them out.

::

We're right by the bathroom, buddy.

::

Oh, it's fine.

::

Go to the sponsor.

::

Okay, let's go to the sponsor.

::

Okay.

::

We're at public access.

::

All right, so this episode is brought to you by Piano

Lessons with Lorna Spat.

::

All right, so I'm just going to read this message here that,

oh, it's directions to

::

Lorna's house from Lorna Spat herself.

::

So you're going to take Main Street all the way north to

Pratt Street.

::

Then you're going to take a left on Fur and then a left,

another left on Phone Street.

::

And you're going to take that all the way to the end until you

reach the cul-de-sac.

::

I'm the second house on the left.

::

Oh, and then it's a little diagram.

::

So I guess you take the path down the left-hand side of her

house.

::

There's some bushes it looks like.

::

And there's a great big arrow at, oh, it says root cellar.

::

So you're going to go, I guess, into the root cellar.

::

Oh, there's a note.

::

It says, we do lessons in the root cellar because my

husband, Rick, hates the sound of

::

the student's playing piano.

::

Rick really likes me playing the piano because I'm the

teacher and I'm good.

::

All right, anyways, so you're going to be taking lessons in

the root cellar by the sounds

::

of it.

::

So piano lessons with Lorna Spat.

::

We're back.

::

Hey, Parker, how you doing?

::

Toot toot.

::

My vacuum cleaner impression.

::

Wait, that's your vacuum cleaner impression is toot toot?

::

How did that come to be?

::

Come to be.

::

Come of be.

::

Come of be.

::

Come to be.

::

Come to be a thing, Parker.

::

Why is that a thing?

::

You know that part of the vacuum cleaner that's on top that

you can take it off sometimes

::

and it's like a little, it could sweep up stuff and it's like

a hose.

::

Oh, the hose.

::

I was going to go with the handle, but okay, the hose.

::

Sure, the hose.

::

And so that part reminds me of a steam pipe.

::

So whenever I go and I'm vacuuming the apartment, the tug is

in the kitchen usually.

::

But I pretend I'm captain of a tug boat and I go toot toot.

::

Okay, I could see you and Tog being very amused by that.

::

Tog is laughs and laughs and laughs.

::

Well, it's wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, I hope Tog is doing good with the huba stank.

::

Sounds exciting.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

I would, you know what?

::

No, I would.

::

No, you're not laughing.

::

You're not laughing.

::

I mean, maybe, I mean, I'm just going to say in my head, I'd

want to slap you, but I probably

::

wouldn't.

::

I probably wouldn't actually do that.

::

Let's paint a seascape for the listeners.

::

Okay.

::

Yeah, where we are now, because yeah, we're in a different

spot.

::

There's a wonderful tennis store that I see because I

closed my eyes and I just opened

::

them now.

::

Oh, right.

::

Yeah.

::

And I see a wonderful store and there are clothings on racks

and there is a lady wearing

::

a, you can see those visors that are like white visors, but

they don't cover the head.

::

They just stick out like a duck bill from your forehead.

::

Yeah.

::

It's wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

And we've got right outside, we're right by the tennis

courts now.

::

So we can see the tennis courts.

::

There's people out there practicing their tennis, I

guess, doing a game.

::

I don't know tennis.

::

Our theme is venomous spiders.

::

Do you have anything for the theme there, Parker?

::

You seem like an individual that would have had some sort of

interaction with a venomous

::

spider in a location where there usually isn't any, but you

manage to attract and anger the

::

one venomous spider that's being in the region lately.

::

You strike me as that kind of fellow.

::

That never ever happened.

::

Really?

::

I'm surprised.

::

The first person to tell you.

::

Okay.

::

Not at all.

::

Hold on.

::

The big guy's about to serve again.

::

Hold on.

::

Oh.

::

Hit that ball.

::

It's not funny.

::

He's going to come over.

::

He's waving.

::

Yeah, no, he's waving with his middle finger.

::

That he's waving.

::

Oh, look at those shoes.

::

I recognize those shoes.

::

Yeah, it's the same one.

::

It's corn chip.

::

It's the corn chip guy.

::

So he's already constipated.

::

Obviously, he was in there so long.

::

He's constipated and he's waving his middle finger at you,

Parker.

::

That's not good.

::

Well, okay, but we won't.

::

When corn chip walks back in, do you mind shielding me with

the papers that you have

::

on your desk?

::

So he doesn't see me.

::

He's going to punch him.

::

We are not there yet.

::

So you want, on my first show here, you want me to get punched

in my face?

::

No, no, no, no, no.

::

Shield me with the papers, not with your face.

::

But let's hope for diplomacy and prepare for the worst.

::

All right, well, if it's just papers, we'll do that.

::

Speaking of papers, we should get to our next segment.

::

This segment here is Ask Parker and Talk, but Talk's not

here.

::

So it's going to be Ask Parker.

::

And Chen, which means I have to do another bumper, I think.

::

Oh, God damn it.

::

Gosh.

::

Yeah, I hear what you say, sorry, God.

::

I should be saying sorry, God.

::

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

::

Okay, sorry, God.

::

This is Ask Parker and Jen.

::

Hold for bumper.

::

Ask us, ask us, ask us, ask us.

::

Please, please ask us.

::

Are you ready for the first question, Parker?

::

I am, I am ready and able and willing.

::

Okay, awesome.

::

All right, so what the first question is, what do you

recommend from Grackleton's TCH

::

rest area vending machine?

::

So that's the vending machine at the rest area on the Trans

Canada Highway.

::

What do you recommend from it?

::

Are you asking me or is there--

::

Somebody, I'm not asking you.

::

This is the question that we received to the show.

::

Can I see it?

::

Yeah, here you go.

::

Oh, okay, that is verified.

::

Okay, I verified that for you, so thank you.

::

Yeah.

::

It does just so the audience knows that is on the paper.

::

Yeah, yeah, I'm not lying.

::

Okay.

::

Oh, so what happens now?

::

This is-- You get to recommend what you would choose or the

best item out of the vending

::

machine.

::

So just so you know, Jen Todd usually walks me through this

with a little bit more, a

::

little bit more delicately.

::

Okay.

::

Yeah, so, okay.

::

So now you tell me kind of how, like, what I should say.

::

All right, so you should say what you would purchase from

the vending machine that's located

::

at that rest area and what your thoughts are.

::

Oh.

::

Yeah, so I guess we could even, we could revise this a

little, even if you don't recommend

::

something, something you don't like from the vending

machine, you could go with that, Parker.

::

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's definitely do that.

::

Okay.

::

What you shouldn't buy.

::

Let's recommend what you shouldn't get from the vending

machine.

::

Any kind of horrible words that might have curses on them.

::

If they, yeah, so you don't want to hit any of those, you

don't want those or if someone

::

made like fortune cookies, but instead of having like

positive fortunes, they had things

::

in there that made fun of the way you look, your horrible

face or anything like that.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah, so that's what we'll stay away from at a vending

machine if possible.

::

Yeah, just go right, great past the vending machine or the

food.

::

That's why I'm not familiar with the stuff in it.

::

I go right to the, you know, they have that automatic coffee

machine right next to it,

::

the one that dispenses the coffee, you press the buttons

and it puts out and it does like

::

the fancy ass coffee, the stuff with the French vanilla and

hazelnut and all those different

::

flavors and then it does like the regular coffee, which is

the only correct coffee, the

::

plain coffee out of it.

::

And I don't know what they put in that, probably some sort of

instant crap, but I love it.

::

That stuff, I actually, I've traveled out of my way to go to

the rest stop to get that

::

vending machine coffee.

::

And even though I was closer to that like fancy place

downtown, I was closer to there.

::

I drove all the way out to the TCH, went to the rest area, went

to that vending machine

::

just for that instant coffee.

::

I'll be completely honest with you.

::

I would, I would prefer if they, so I think you can manage the

amount of sweetness in

::

the sugary ones they make there.

::

But back when I was in college, I knew a hacker fellow and his

name was Evil Bobby.

::

And he used to, so his big scheme was he hacked into the

machines and he made them 10% sweeter.

::

Can you play like Heist?

::

Oh, Heist music?

::

All right.

::

So yeah, dun dun dun dun dun.

::

And is this shock jock?

::

I should be adding some of the shock jock stuff with this as

well.

::

This is this.

::

You seem to be doing shock jock right now.

::

Some kind of a toot toot or something.

::

I mean, even though this isn't very shocking, I mean, I

think I know Evil Bobby.

::

Oh yeah.

::

No, you'll be, I mean, everyone knows Evil Bobby's.

::

Yeah.

::

I'm a local legend.

::

Yeah.

::

For this prank alone.

::

And we learned Python together back at college.

::

Oh, wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, it's more of a night school situation.

::

But yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

He's a brilliant hacker and always whenever I wanted to,

sometimes I would, I call him

::

Magic Man because I would say make this 10% sweeter for me.

::

And then he would pull out a notebook and the notebook had

like, you ever see Inspector

::

Gadget and how they, the girl had a computer book.

::

Oh yeah.

::

You called it.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

It was like that.

::

And he had a thing where like antenna would come out of his

face and isn't like, you know,

::

like Inspector Gadget would.

::

Yeah.

::

Well, speaking of faces, he really liked to do a lot of magic

dust on the face.

::

I'll tell you that.

::

At least back at night school.

::

Yeah.

::

He would, yeah.

::

But because I think you're right because like when my mom

would bake him cupcakes, he would

::

always be like, you know, Mrs. Spoon put some more sugar on

that.

::

And then Mrs. Spoon would, my mom, you know, give him

cupcakes.

::

And then she always gave him a bag of powdered sugar on the

side.

::

Yeah.

::

Yeah.

::

Your mom was getting it.

::

Should we go on to the next one?

::

Yeah.

::

I know she probably did.

::

She probably did give it to him.

::

Should we go on to the next question?

::

Yeah.

::

That's wonderful.

::

Okay.

::

The next question is from anonymous.

::

So who's that?

::

Well, I don't know who anonymous is.

::

Wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

It says, will Barty Bundle survive?

::

Oh my gosh.

::

Yes.

::

Yes.

::

No, I'm going to go with yes on that.

::

Yes.

::

Yeah.

::

We there's no.

::

Yeah.

::

I think Barty probably left because he wanted to.

::

I think Barty just like took off, probably went back to the

parking lot easier, wanted

::

to get out of town for a little while.

::

Maybe fishing, maybe went to the ocean.

::

Everyone's talking about the ocean here in Gretchen.

::

Hey.

::

Hey.

::

Oh, hey, buddy.

::

Here he comes.

::

Mr. Shoes himself.

::

All right.

::

I'm going to get in front of you with this paper.

::

I can't believe you chalk me into this parking lot.

::

Hey.

::

I got something for you.

::

Okay.

::

No.

::

Okay.

::

No.

::

Okay.

::

No.

::

Thank you.

::

No.

::

What?

::

Okay.

::

Yeah.

::

I just tend to smack it.

::

Yeah.

::

Hey.

::

I don't.

::

Oh my gosh, Jen.

::

I don't like the.

::

Oh my God.

::

Okay.

::

Oh, he's running.

::

Yeah.

::

Oh my goodness.

::

Yeah.

::

What did you?

::

I don't know.

::

I don't know.

::

I don't know.

::

I don't know what you're doing because you're behind me,

but I've got this look I can do

::

with my eye.

::

It's kind of like, you know, you know, there's a certain

type of cat, like a feline, like

::

a cat, you've got a cat, Scott.

::

I don't know what Scott's like because I haven't had the

pleasure of meeting Scott yet, but

::

you know how a cat can just look at a very way larger animal

and just give it a look in

::

its eye.

::

Just straight stare down right into the eye.

::

Very nostruous, Mike.

::

I've got that kind of look that I can do on occasion.

::

It takes a lot to pull it out of me, but I did it right there.

::

So and this is very important that you know this now.

::

Jen Dahan, you saved my life and I am forever connected to

you by like a glowing string.

::

Yeah.

::

I'm a person of life, like a yarn.

::

And so for now, I get into trouble sometimes on the weekend,

so I might be giving you a

::

call.

::

Well, I am always here at your service because I am, I owe you

everything.

::

Oh boy, we're connecting, aren't we?

::

Should I tap you on the shoulder or something?

::

I'm not too sure what I should do right now.

::

Yeah.

::

Okay.

::

Here you go.

::

Here you go, buddy.

::

Okay, that feels better.

::

Okay.

::

All right.

::

No, I like that we had this experience.

::

I wasn't expecting anything in return.

::

Usually people are like, God, I hope you don't turn around

and do that to me or something.

::

No, well, you do not scare me, Jen Dahan.

::

Okay, well, because I haven't looked at you like that.

::

I mean, I don't think I will, like unless you might want to

punch me in the face at

::

some point, which is...

::

No, no, no.

::

A lot of people do, though.

::

I would only punch you in the face if I ate candy cane, or

cotton candy hands.

::

Oh, yeah, because there's sauce and yeah, you would hurt me.

::

Okay.

::

No, yeah, I would...

::

The candy cane arms would break and that would be okay

because I'd put them back.

::

Yeah.

::

And then you'd get cotton candy.

::

Yeah.

::

And then I'd get cotton candy.

::

I'd like that.

::

And then, actually, this kind of wraps into our third

question that we have from our Ask

::

Parker and Jen.

::

What will you wear to Carnival of the Grack?

::

Oh, so Grackleton's Big Carnivals coming up.

::

This question came in from Barbara Ann.

::

Barbara Ann.

::

Well, since you are the hero of the show, I would like to turn

the table on you.

::

Oh, okay.

::

You may ask.

::

You may answer the question first.

::

Okay.

::

This is going to surprise people because it goes against

what I've worn to every single

::

previous Carnival of the Grack.

::

As some of you listening might know because you've seen me

at them, I usually wear my knee

::

high stomping boots, my flannel shirt, and a pair of track

pants.

::

That's always what I've worn in previous years.

::

This year, though, I actually went to the thrift store and I

found somebody's prom dress

::

from 1984.

::

It's a great big pink dilly.

::

It's like that, like a taffeta.

::

I don't know.

::

The fabric looks like if I got too close to a flame, I'm in

deep, deep shit.

::

I am going to be melted into a candle.

::

I'm going to actually probably look just like you looked

coming out of that washroom earlier

::

today.

::

If I got anywhere close to a flame, and as we know, there's a

lot of fire at Carnival

::

of the Grack.

::

I'm taking my life into my hands.

::

Parker, I might need your help with this shielding me if I

need because that's what

::

I'm wearing this year.

::

I would, first of all, I would like to congratulate you.

::

You are like Mrs. Stardust.

::

I can imagine you up there on the rooftops of Crackleton

coming down with Mrs. Stardust.

::

I am not marrying anybody that ever shoots.

::

No, no, it would not be married.

::

No, no.

::

Anyone that shoots me in the face like that, that's not

marriage material, I'm going to

::

tell you.

::

It throws wonderful, wonderful glitter sprinkles all

through the air, and they hit you on your

::

face and you go to sleep.

::

Wonderful.

::

I do go to sleep after you.

::

Wonderful.

::

But, and so that would say that.

::

So that's a wonderful thing you have.

::

I'm going to wear.

::

Well, I have a button up a shirt that I have.

::

My mom for the carnival always sewed on silver buttons for

me.

::

Yeah.

::

And apparently they're real silver.

::

Oh, nice.

::

Yeah.

::

Okay.

::

And so, yeah, and it's wonderful.

::

And the reason you wear them is because she says that when

they try to guess your weight,

::

they're so heavy that they will never guess your weight

right at the weight guesser booth.

::

Right.

::

They are, they're heavy buttons.

::

Don't you want them to guess correctly or is it they want,

you want them to guess things

::

correctly?

::

You want them to mess up so that they'll give you a, you know,

gigantic shaggy dog that

::

they have hanging up.

::

Oh, that's how it works.

::

All right.

::

Well, we should go to break.

::

We've got another ad break, I think, to put in here.

::

So why don't we do that?

::

And why don't we go over during the ad breaks and go talk to

the ladies, talk to the dogs?

::

I would love to.

::

Okay.

::

Okay, coming at ya.

::

All right.

::

All right.

::

We're back.

::

We're here at the tennis stop.

::

We're pretty close to the tennis courts here.

::

At the back of the store.

::

Now you're on 101.7 FM the Grack and you're here with Jen and

Parker, Jen and Parker.

::

Toot toot.

::

Toot toot.

::

I think that that will, I think I'll get used to the toot toot.

::

It's going to take a little while.

::

Like a vacuum cleaner.

::

Like a vacuum cleaner.

::

See, I would have never made that association and I still

kind of don't with the pipe thing

::

because it's usually connected to the, to the handle.

::

I don't think of it as like an exhaust pipe.

::

It's like a, but no, not exhaust pipe.

::

It's like, you know, the tug boats, they have the little

horn that goes toot toot.

::

Oh, I see.

::

I was thinking of it more like the top of the boat that has

like the exhaust coming out.

::

The pole, the cloud maker.

::

No, no, thank you.

::

Pollution maker.

::

Sure.

::

Yeah.

::

Toot toot.

::

You know.

::

Right.

::

Toot toot.

::

Toot toot.

::

All right.

::

So why don't we do the snack review hour now?

::

So snack review hour, that's the segment that is written

down for today.

::

We were talking about the vending machines earlier.

::

You had some interesting snacks that you get in the vending

machine.

::

Do you have other snacks that you've enjoyed this week,

Parker?

::

I most certainly do.

::

And part of it is still stuck inside my back, the back of my

teeth from the book club where

::

they, they gave them to me.

::

Yeah.

::

Because you were busy over with the dogs.

::

I couldn't, I couldn't pull my way.

::

There's no human being to me that ranks higher than a dog,

especially a kelpie.

::

So that is wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

There's, that's why my eyes were fixated on those dogs.

::

The second that I saw them tied up there and eyeballing

those tennis balls and all I wanted

::

to do was go throw some balls for some dogs and I got to do that

because they scaled the

::

fence at me.

::

Sorry, you were getting some, you were, you were busy

getting snacks from the book club.

::

I absolutely was.

::

So they, they had made my favorite snack, rice, rice, the

rice treats, the rice cereal,

::

rice crispy, they call them.

::

Right, right, right.

::

And oh my goodness.

::

And they are, they're stuck in the back of my teeth, but they

are wonderful.

::

The best treats I ever had.

::

Yeah.

::

They're so nice as well.

::

Okay.

::

Well, that's good.

::

Yeah.

::

And I got invited to join the book club.

::

You did?

::

Uh-huh.

::

And we are, we are reading a wonderful, according to them, a

wonderful series called Onyx Storm.

::

And it is a, just a wonderful, I think about dragons,

wizards and that kind of stuff, which

::

I'm so excited about.

::

Right.

::

Right.

::

Well, that's good.

::

Yeah.

::

New friends.

::

It's going to be wonderful.

::

So I'm very much looking forward to it.

::

And they said that, you know, they said it would be lovely to

have me.

::

So there we go.

::

Okay.

::

Well, they're about to discover what that's like.

::

Do you have to take food with you, Parker?

::

I will.

::

Okay.

::

Because I'm not a monster.

::

So yes, Jen, I will take food with me.

::

Yeah.

::

Because I'm not some kind of a horrible human being.

::

Yes.

::

And Onyx Storm is going to be a horror book.

::

I don't know what it's about.

::

But I know that they were very interested and they said,

we're interested in seeing your

::

reaction.

::

Yeah.

::

I think it's probably going to be full of topics that you're

not ready for, Parker.

::

Well, well, I was born ready and I'm ready to handle

whatever they throw at, whatever

::

life, the wonderful moonscape of life throws and bounces

with the moon dust.

::

And Mr. Star Dust throws at me.

::

I think you're probably going to need to pass that book by

your mother first, Parker, and

::

get a permission slip.

::

I am a grown man, Jen Dahon, and I will not do any such thing.

::

Maybe you can take a quick look, though, and make sure it's

OK for me.

::

Right.

::

Yeah.

::

Like, I could give you permission slip if it passes muster.

::

No, I don't.

::

What permission slip?

::

That is a silly thing.

::

No, it's not.

::

I mean, I could do it on letterhead and I could type it out for

you.

::

I think you'd like it.

::

That's a wonderful reference to the mayor from earlier and

I'm not going to put up with your

::

silliness.

::

All right.

::

Well, moving on.

::

OK.

::

Well, I'm going to, I'm not going to, my snack for my snack

review hour is not going

::

to be crème brûlée.

::

I think that's a fancy dish that's much too fancy for

somebody like me.

::

I'm going to bring up, you know, those, those wafer cookies

that you get?

::

Like you, you probably got them when you were a kid in your

lunchbox and they've got like

::

they, they come in like yellow and pink and maybe blue.

::

I can't remember.

::

There's like another like, oh, chocolate.

::

There's like a brown one.

::

Right.

::

And it's like wafer and then like it's not icing, but it's

like probably meant to be

::

like icing.

::

And then it's like another wafer.

::

And then there's another of like not icing, but like your

brain kind of wants to think

::

it's icing, but it's not.

::

And I have no idea how to even describe that stuff.

::

It's like hard and sugary.

::

And you think it's like, you know what I mean, listener.

::

And then there's like another wafer on the bottom and it

comes like in a little plastic

::

pack and you got to peel it.

::

And it's like the, the wafer thing is always like almost too

tight in the pack.

::

Right.

::

So you're like, try to open the pack and you're trying not to

like break the wafer apart,

::

but you always end up like breaking a corner, but like

you're trying to like, like threaten

::

yourself, like don't break the corner.

::

Like it's like this thing in your head and then you end up

working a challenge.

::

It's a challenge.

::

Well, you're, you're threatening yourself through the

challenge.

::

Right.

::

Like don't, don't you threaten yourself.

::

No, but don't you do that when you challenge yourself.

::

You're like, if you don't do this, you're a horrible being

that should be filled with

::

shame.

::

No, I never in my life done that.

::

I am a wonderful person and, um, uh, you know, I, I, I try my

very best at everything

::

I do.

::

And if I don't, I cry and then I'm done.

::

You cry, but that would be your shame.

::

Right.

::

So you do get a shame.

::

So you do, you are threatening yourself.

::

No, I just teared my tears of shame and then I'm done.

::

Well, that's a threat.

::

That's that's your real.

::

So when you threaten, when you challenge yourself, okay,

let's just call it your challenging

::

it yourself.

::

You go to crying.

::

I go to rage.

::

Well, that's the same thing.

::

I just call it a threat.

::

You call it a challenge.

::

I, I, I imagine the tears though to be to turn into diamonds

when they fall for my face

::

and they, um, and then I pick them up and every diamond I

collect is a beacon of hope

::

for me.

::

So thank you.

::

Have you ever cried so much that you've actually created a

small pool on the table?

::

No, most of my cries are intense and last for 20 to 30

seconds, but never, but never

::

enough tears to actually collect into a pool.

::

No, I mean, I.

::

Do you want me to?

::

Cause I, I guess I could.

::

Are you taking that as a challenge?

::

Cause then that would cause you that that would cause you to

cry.

::

Yeah.

::

No, no.

::

Okay.

::

I see where you're going.

::

This is kind of weird.

::

This is like a singularity and I'm not going to put up with

that.

::

Okay.

::

All right.

::

No singularity.

::

Yeah.

::

Thank you.

::

All right.

::

Um, well, we have to, uh, we have to do the weather.

::

Oh, wonderful.

::

Yeah.

::

Why don't we go to weather?

::

It's a sunny.

::

Rainy.

::

Wind.

::

Tonight's weather is brought to you by piano lessons with

Lorna Spat.

::

Don't worry, Rick usually isn't home, but if he is, he'll

have earplugs, but please

::

don't look him in the eye.

::

All right.

::

Get ready for the weather.

::

Tonight's weather in South Grac is mostly cloudy.

::

You just learned all about the weather.

::

And that's the weather brought to you by piano lessons with

Lorna Spat.

::

I teach piano pretty good.

::

Oh, that's all there is.

::

Okay.

::

And we're back.

::

Well, that was an interesting experience.

::

Yeah.

::

Not great.

::

Not great.

::

Not horrible.

::

Not horrible.

::

No, not for the first weather.

::

I've, see, I've only, I've only heard the weather reported.

::

I've, uh, never had to do it myself.

::

I thought you were wonderful.

::

Oh, thank you.

::

You were like, yeah, like, uh, magical, uh, like the man

himself.

::

Yeah.

::

Like Mr. Stardust.

::

But I don't think I'm going to be taking any piano lessons

anytime soon.

::

What time is it?

::

Um, I think it's probably time to get the hell out of here.

::

Because, uh, you know.

::

Okay.

::

No.

::

You see who, you see who came back?

::

You see, look through, look through the door there and

you'll, you'll probably notice some

::

shoes.

::

I see, I see.

::

Yeah.

::

And, uh, looking this way through the, uh, it's like he's in

the, uh, the, the, the

::

forest.

::

Yeah.

::

Looking through the trees.

::

He's looking through the, uh, the golf shirt at us.

::

Yeah.

::

I'm going to wave.

::

Okay.

::

Hi, Mr.

::

Stardust.

::

I would suggest waving.

::

See, he's waving back, but with his middle finger again.

::

So, okay.

::

Yeah.

::

This, now we're good.

::

He and I, we're good buddy.

::

Yeah.

::

I love you.

::

I, uh, I, that made it worse.

::

That made it, I'm not good.

::

I'm not good at the whole people thing as everybody in

Gragilton knows, but, um, that,

::

that you just said kind of made it worse.

::

Okay.

::

Yeah.

::

Now he's coming over here.

::

Yeah, he is.

::

Yeah.

::

I don't think, I don't know.

::

Uh, I don't have, I, uh, I don't have another look.

::

I don't have another look in my, I can't Rhino look

rhinoceros.

::

See, it's not working.

::

It's not kicking in.

::

All right.

::

Listener.

::

Um, we should probably get out of here.

::

This is being Grag public access.

::

I'm Jen.

::

That's Parker getting pulled away.

::

Parker spoon getting, I said his last name.

::

That's good.

::

We're making progress.

::

Yeah.

::

Uh, and, uh, he's with corn chip, uh, right now who's, uh,

still angry from probably being

::

constipated.

::

So we're going to check on out here.

::

We are at the tenant tennis stop.

::

Uh, you can get some piano lessons from our sponsor and, uh,

venomous spiders.

::

They suck.

::

We never talked about them today.

::

I'm Jen and, uh, we're, we're heading out.

::

I don't know how to end the show.

::

All right.

::

Bye.

::

Toot, toot.

::

You've been listening to Grag public access as stereo

forest production.

::

This episode was created, directed, edited and produced

by gender Han.

::

Jen deHaan was improvised by herself.

::

Parker spoon was improvised by Adam.

::

Additional voices and writing by gender Han.

::

You can find our shows, transcripts and sign up for a free

newsletter to get notified of

::

everything we release at stereo forest.com.

::

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::

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