In this episode, I share how I lost myself in marriage and the subtle ways many women do too. I talk about how roles, pressure, comparison, and performance can slowly pull us away from who God created us to be.

I also walk through biblical ways to stay grounded in your identity while married and share practical steps to help you begin finding your way back.

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Hey, winning women, welcome back. All right. So this is a topic that I have wanted to share for a while because it involves so much of my own personal story. And I don't hear a lot of men talk about how they lost themselves in marriage, but I do think that this is part of a reality that a lot of women either face in marriage or they fear if they get married, this will happen to them. There are three things I'll say about marriage and that is one, it is a blessing. It truly is a blessing from God. And through that covenant,

You can explore and experience amazing things that I believe that God has for you and your spouse. The next thing is marriage changes you. There are good changes that happen and there are other changes that happen. And sometimes that change happens and you look up and you realize that somewhere along the way you started losing yourself. So I'm going to share how I lost myself in marriage and how I know that women often lose themselves in marriage because of the roles that they carry.

But I've looked at scripture and I want to share how that points us back to the truth. And then I'll share nine, nine practical ways that if you've lost yourself, you feel like you're losing yourself, then this will help you get back. ladies, my hope is that this conversation gives you language to what you are feeling right now. I pray that this conversation just provides truth to help anchor you, not to bash men, not to bash marriage.

And I just want to give you simple steps to help you start finding your way back. But before I give you all those tips on how to stay grounded and how to find yourself again, I want to share how I lost myself. And I think that it's important to first name how this happens, be transparent about how this happens. And while this can happen over time, I do think that sometimes we have these moments where we wake up or we look at ourselves in the mirror and we are like, who is this woman that is staring back at me? Like, who am I?

Now, I know in my marriage, there are things that I have changed for the better. Like I used to be late all the time. And when I show up to places on time, I'm like, who is this woman? Now that is a direct response to Alan's influence in our marriage. Like he has helped change me for the better in this area. But there was a moment where I woke up one day and I was like, who am I? And not in a positive way. I lost myself and

At first, I became very upset at my mom. Now, my mom is still living and I'm so grateful to have her in my life and how she raised us. However, I had to come to terms that the way my mom raised us and what she prepared us for, she was doing the best that she could. But for a while, I felt like I wasn't prepared for marriage. Like she did not prepare me and I pointed a lot of the blame to her internally. I never really shared it with her, but

I carried that pain internally and was frustrated because I felt like, how come my mom didn't prepare me for this? Like, why didn't she prepare me for this season where I don't feel like I'm being a good wife? I don't know if I'm even being a good mom. Like, why wasn't I better prepared for this? And I've come to realize that she was doing the best that she could. And even if she did prepare me, I still think there are things that we just experience in marriage that no matter how much preparation we get, it

still doesn't prepare you enough. It's kind of like when you go to school and you graduate and you're thrust into the world and you get that first job or you get that first opportunity and you realize that you may not be qualified for this position, but you know what? You're going to do it. And you also realize maybe you weren't prepared for this position, right? I only share that because as beautiful as marriage is, I felt like I wasn't prepared for it. Now, once again, that is nobody's fault.

But I did feel like not being prepared made it a lot easier for the enemy to step in and plant thoughts in my mind that made me feel like I was not a good wife or I wasn't doing things right. And so I do think that biblical preparation for marriage begins long before the wedding. And the Bible prepares women for marriage, but it doesn't give you like a checklist. Like there's nowhere in the Bible where it says, OK, this is what you do before marriage or these are the things that you do. And if you check it off, then you will have a good marriage. I wish.

I wish the Bible did that, but it doesn't. And so when you search scripture for like biblical preparation for marriage, you often find ways that God is forming or reminding women to have wisdom, to have self-control, to have reverence, to have love, to have spiritual maturity. I think those are all characteristics that make a good wife. I do think that another way that women lose themselves easily is because our title

and other areas come before being a wife. while we had kids and while I was married, I was working outside the home and I was working at a job that I absolutely loved, a job that I worked very hard for. And so that title that I had at my job was very important. It was very important to me. But I don't think that God gave me that opportunity and that title for that to replace being a wife and being a mom.

And a lot of times women find themselves in these titles, whatever that is, it could be a title at your church. It could be a title that the community has given you. Whatever that is, we take on that title and we over identify with that role. And then it becomes so easy to be wrapped up in that title of a wife or a mother or a professional or a helper, a leader, a caretaker, whatever that role or that title that you have been given.

That role starts being something that not only do we see ourselves in, but that role starts forming our identity. And so for me, it was my career and I worked so much outside of the home that when I got home, I was focused on the kids. And if I'm being honest, my husband got my leftovers. My title as a wife came like third or fourth to everything else. And so I think it's easy to lose yourself when your title and other areas become

more of a priority than being a wife. Now, speaking of that, if you are married and you are also a mother, I think the title of motherhood is a huge, huge, huge milestone in a woman's life that not only blesses us and changes us, but a lot of times it can shift our priorities around. And one of the easiest ways to lose yourself a marriage and maybe even lose your marriage is to put the kids before your

relationship with your spouse. Yes, there are seasons that our children need our attention. However, that attention should not just be given to them and we neglect our spouse or ourselves in the meantime. And so when our kids came, once again, I was working outside the home. I was working a lot outside the home and Alan was working like triple the amount that I was working and we were just so busy. I felt like our needs came last. Now for a season.

We navigated that, but after that became a prolonged period, we were no longer connecting in an intimate way. We were no longer connecting in a spiritual way. And we just started being short with each other. I know I wasn't getting sleep, so therefore I was taking it out on everybody. But that is not what God designed marriage for. Now, you know who does love that in marriage? And that is the enemy.

The devil sits back and looks at us in seasons of frustration, seasons of tension, seasons of just burnout. And he's like, yes. And he just keeps fueling that fire so that it leads to distance. It leads to lack of intimacy. It leads to lack of communication. And the next thing you know, it leads to separation. And you look back and you're like, how did we get here? It was a slow, slowly.

of a shift of priorities that happened throughout the way and then now you look back and you no longer prioritize each other. Now that can look different in different seasons. There are some seasons where Alan and I had a date night every Friday, but when the kids came, we just couldn't do that or we couldn't do that until we found a babysitter that could help watch the kids. Do not neglect those things that you did that brought you together before the kids. And even if you've had kids for a while and you forgot what that even looks like, then

It's never too late to just start small, start small with little things. Do something different that starts to retrain your brain and your body and your heart to be invested in the spouse that God gave you. And so in that season when Alan and I were not connecting, I was not getting sleep. We were just so stressed. Our kids were young. I started to feel like I am not a good wife. I started to feel like

I am not a good mom. Those thoughts are so toxic for women and those thoughts can really, really, really transform the way we think about ourselves, the way we think about others and the way we think about life just in general. So now, because I didn't feel like I was being taught what was a wife or what was a good mom, I went to see what the world had to say about it. I.E. social media, I.E. blogs, I.E. all these self-help books.

I decided to learn what it means to be a good wife and a good mom from everybody else and everything else and every other source except from God. And you know what that did? I opened up a huge door and gave access into my life that led to nothing but comparison. And I truly believe that the comparison trap is toxic, maybe even deadly for women because it leads us to one thing and that is to perform.

It really should be called a performance trap because now our worth as women becomes tied to how well we perform because we are comparing ourselves to someone else or a certain definition or a certain look. When women, when we start measuring ourselves based on how we are performing, whether that is how well the house is ran or how well the house looks or how well our life looks or how well the meals are prepared or how well our children are thriving. But when that performance

becomes our standard, like our measurement, then identity starts to get replaced by pressure and pressure leads to performance and y'all it is an unending cycle. And this leads me to my next point. Now we are known by what we do versus who we are. And that is another way to lose yourself in marriage is because you've now neglected parts of yourself and then you look up.

And then I looked up and I realized that I had neglected parts of myself that once felt alive. Have you ever felt this way? Like the simple things that made you come alive, whether that was your creativity, whether that was your rest, whether that was your your friendships, your calling, your learning, your health journey, your joy, just the simple things that you used to enjoy. Now they've either disappeared or they just feel very unfamiliar. And as a result, you don't recognize who you are.

Y'all, I became so disjointed that I actually ended up going to the doctor and I got on some medicine to help me stay focused. I've always struggled with focus throughout life. Like I was that child that like in the middle of a test or in the middle of a conversation, if a butterfly flew and caught my attention, then all of a sudden that butterfly got all of my attention. Like growing up, I've always been easily distracted and that's carried into my adulthood.

And I got to a point where I went to the doctor and I self-diagnosed myself with ADD. I mean, he really didn't have to give me a test. I already know that I've struggled in this area, but he did offer some medicine and I took it. And that medicine helped me lock in. Like when I tell you lock in where I was so focused, I almost became hyper focused, but it had lots of side effects. And one of the side effects was my creativity.

I'm naturally a creative person. I'm a very animated person. And when I was on that medication, my creativity was stifled. The creative things I used to think of that came easy to me now required me to sit for long hours just to feel creative or rely on other people's inspiration to fuel my creative soul. And that was something that I realized, wow, I never struggled with this before. But that medicine, that was a side effect of it.

Another thing was that my sexual desire changed a lot when I was on that medicine. And that's a way that marriage can start to drift is when you and your spouse are not connecting as much. And I realized, wow, okay, this medicine is helping me stay focused, but it's changing me in so many areas. And so I did eventually get off that medicine. That was a very hard thing to do. Now, another side effect that is not often talked about, but came as a result of me taking that medicine was that I slipped into depression.

I have never been a depressed person. Now I have been in seasons that have been stressful. I have been in seasons where I have not been kind to myself or to others, but I have never been depressed until I got on that medicine that helped me quote unquote focus. Why am I sharing this? I'm sharing this because that state of depression that I got into now led me into another way that I lost myself in marriage and that was just getting comfortable.

I was depressed. was on medicine that I really didn't believe in, but I knew I needed something to help me focus. And I got comfortable. I gained weight. I wasn't working out that much. I was eating all kinds of food. And that led to now, I think the seventh, we may be on number seven, the seventh reason that I lost myself in marriage and that a lot of women do. And that is by not only getting too comfortable, but staying comfortable. There is a saying that I heard that

Women marry men. Now, I don't know if this is true, women marry men hoping that they will change and men marry women hoping that women don't change. Once again, I don't know how true that is, but it does make sense because I know the woman that Alan fell in love with and I know the man that I fell in love with in Alan. And while there are some things that I'm like, you know what? I can help him change in this area. I know that there are things in me that he loved about me when he met me.

And those are the things that I had drifted away from. And so I realized that not only did I get comfortable and kind of lost myself, lost caring for how I looked, the things that brought me joy, but you don't want to stay comfortable. And sometimes that change requires a lot of work. Now, with my experience that I had with the ADD medicine, I did not want to take a pill. I did not want to take a shot. I did not want to put anything in my body that was going to now

help me lose weight or change my brain. I wanted to do it in a way that would lead to discipline, lead to hard work, and to provide longevity in this change, just not put a bandaid on it. Another way that I do think it's easy for women to lose themselves is just not communicating when we get to this point. A lot of women shrink in marriage because maybe they were taught that they were supposed to, or it feels safer or easier to shrink and not speak up.

Sometimes we stop expressing our needs. We stop expressing our opinions, our disappointments, or the things that bring us alive, like our dreams, our aspirations. And now we look up and just being silent because maybe we think that silence means peace. Maybe we're trying to keep the peace, so it's just better not to say anything. But to not express your opinions, your dreams, your disappointments, then you start to shrink. And I don't believe that God

ever intended women to shrink in marriage. God did not design marriage for women to shrink. I'm going to say that again. Just because you are a woman does not mean that you have to shrink in marriage. But as women, we do accommodate our husband's needs, our husband's preferences. And sometimes we do that and we neglect our own. A few ways that this happened to me in our marriage was I love to cook for my husband. I love to cook for our kids. And most of time I think about, babe, what would you like to eat? And I plan around that. And then I

think about what the kids enjoy and I plan around that. And then after I've cooked for my husband and our kids, I'm left eating scraps. And that's only because I did not prepare for what I like to eat. Now, I know some of you are listening this thinking, well, why don't you just eat what your husband eats? Well, he has a different palette and it's not a bad thing, but my husband is a carnivore. And over the years, I've actually given up eating red meat. I prefer fish. My husband does not like fish.

He loves heavy carbs, which as a man, I think they need carbs for energy. He's very active. He plays golf and pickleball. I probably have a no to low carb diet. And so these are just preferences, but they're important preferences for me. And it's not fair for me to think about my husband's preferences and everyone else's preferences and neglect my own. And the final thing that I will share as to why and how I lost myself was

I just stopped connecting with God. I started listening to what the world said and I stopped connecting with who God says I am and what the Bible says about not only marriage, but being a wife. And so if you listen to those nine, I think those were nine ways that I lost myself or how women lose themselves, then you start to realize that not only is this something that can easily happen, it happens quite often. And I don't think that women talk about it enough.

And we start tending to a woman who is now shaped by these changes that are happening. And so now I want to walk through biblical ways to stay grounded. Like if you have lost yourself, if you're listening to this and you are just like, wow, I need to change something and change it quick. Right? Because at end of the day, we don't want to lose ourselves so much that now we lose our marriage, we lose our spouse, we lose our kids. And so

What does the Bible say? Like what are ways that we can stay grounded in your identity while you are married? I want to remind you that you are first God's daughter before you became anyone's wife. So keep your identity rooted in Christ first. Marriage is so important, but it was never meant to carry the weight of your identity, right? Like your husband loves you and I'm sure he loves you deeply, but he cannot define you the way God does.

As women, we forget this, then marriage becomes so centralized that now our sense of who we are now rises and falls and how our marriage is going. And so remember scriptures like Galatians 2.20 or Ephesians 1.4 that speak into how you are first God's daughter and how God calls you a daughter before anything else. I also want to share that another biblical way that you can stay grounded in your identity while you're married is to remember that becoming one.

which is what happens when you get married does not mean that you become erased. Biblical oneness in marriage is so beautiful because it's unity, but it doesn't mean that two parts still don't exist. God's design for marriage joins two lives. Two lives become one and together they do, but it does not cancel you as a person. A healthy marriage does not require women to lose herself. I think I've said that, but just know that oneness, means partnership.

and those two parts work together. Now there are some seasons where one part may be working a little bit more. You may feel like this is a season where you're doing 80 % and maybe he's doing 20 % or vice versa, but you're still valid. You are still part of the equation. Two becomes one. It doesn't mean that you're eliminated because marriage joins two people. It doesn't reduce one person into the shadow of the other. Something else to remember is to stay personally connected to God.

not just spiritually active as a wife. Your spiritual life cannot survive only on what you give out to others. So it is possible to pray for your husband, support his calling, serve your home, and you can still neglect your own relationship with God. I did that. I shared about how that happened to me. And so scriptures that help me with this are Psalm 62.1. And I believe even John 15.4 just reminds you to stay connected to God.

I also think it's very important to understand biblical submission correctly. Marriages are being destroyed. And one of the reasons is because that word submission is not only taken out of context, but sometimes it's abused or it's just not practiced in a healthy way.

Submission has been distorted for a long time. And a lot of times that emphasis is on the woman to be passive, to be silenced, to be inferior. But biblical submission, remember, it is not self-hatred and you're not supposed to lose yourself in that. God never commanded a woman to submit to a man who is not submitted to him. And so a woman can be surrendered. A woman can be respectful and be strong at the same time through biblical submission.

I know that society and the world will push that, that if you are submissive, you are weak, but that is so far from the truth. I'm a submissive wife. I really am. And I don't see myself as weak at all. Ephesians 522 helps you understand submission and even Acts 529. And so I encourage you to read some of those scriptures to understand that submission is not weakness. Also, I just did an episode on boundaries, but

I think another biblical way to stay grounded in your identity while being married is to set very healthy boundaries and maintain healthy boundaries while you're married. So when you have boundaries, that means that you are saying this is important to me, so I want to protect it. So I recommend that you check that episode out if you haven't already. I think it's so important also for women to stay in community with wise believers.

If a lot of what you feel about marriage is influenced by social media, reality shows, even sometimes your single friends, and this is not bad. I'm just saying that like women, we need to stay connected to wise believers. I have often found that a lot of the wisdom that comes to me about marriage comes from older women. I will make a friend with an old woman any day. I am that person who will talk to the older women at the park. I'll talk to the older woman at the party. Like I just love.

the wisdom of older people. I share this because earlier in this episode, I talked about how I don't feel like my mom prepared me to be married. Now, once again, that wasn't her fault. But I do think if you are older or if you have children or you have grandchildren, I do think that as women, as older women, it is our job to pour into the next generation. It's our job to help set them up for success. Right now, the world I feel is so anti-marriage. And so I look...

into the wisdom of wise believers and that comes from a lot of the older women that I know in my life and that I have allowed to speak into my life. I've given them access to my life where they can pour that wisdom into me. And so just remember that being isolated is not going to help you in marriage. I think isolation makes identity drift even easier. And some scriptures that help me with this are Hebrews 10, 24 and 25.

and also Proverbs 27 17. So check those out when you get a chance. I think that that will just help remind you how important community is. So I know we've discussed a lot today and you've heard a lot. And if you're like me, you want practical steps. You need like real steps. So I'm going to close with practical and relatable ways that women, winning women like yourself can bring yourself back, can get yourself back after feeling like you have lost yourself.

And I want to start with getting honest about where you disappeared. So slow down and ask yourself just some real questions like where did you start shrinking or what part of you feels missing right now? What role has consumed you the most? Some seasons the role of being a mom consumed me. As my parents age, the role of shifting into a caretaker is starting to consume me and

These aren't bad consumptions, but identifying it is one of the first steps to even just overcoming it. Another way that women can get back to themselves after they have drifted or they feel like they're changing or they feel lost is reconnecting with God apart from your roles. Because roles play a huge factor in a woman and her identity or her capacity, her energy. I think that it's important to reconnect with those roles. Those roles aren't bad.

being a wife, being a mom, being a caretaker, being a boss, whatever that is, like those roles are not bad. But I think that when you have drifted, it's important to reconnect with God apart from your roles. In this season, a lot of my prayers to God were, Lord, help me be a better wife, help me be a better mom, help me be a better leader. And instead of coming to God in the role of like a wife or a mom or a helper that's just needing guidance,

I need to just come to God as I am. Spend time with Him as me, His loving daughter, who a lot of times I forget that I can come to God very transparently, very openly, and He is there with open arms. One of my favorite things that has helped me feel alive again is just being in my garden. I got so frustrated with my garden because, we live in Texas and summers are brutal. Summers are exhausting.

I even feel bad for the plants in the summer because it's just the heat is unbearable and I have tried to grow vegetables and have a garden and it can become so frustrating. But there are times where after I've let my garden go for a while just getting back out there and tending to it, it helps me feel alive again. It reminds me that God cares for these birds and these lilies and these caterpillars that keep eating my basil.

He cares for all of them. He cares for the rabbits that are coming and eating all my vegetables. He cares for them. In that moment of frustration, I'm still reminded of God's beauty and His sovereignty. And that in itself, just tending to a garden, helps me feel alive again. that is one thing that I have done to help me feel alive again. Make a list of some things that make you feel alive again. And be honest with that list. It's okay if things in the past that used to make you feel alive don't make you feel alive or

Maybe it's time to discover something new that does make you feel alive. I love playing tennis and I picked up my first racket when our daughter was like two years old. Like I never played tennis before, but now tennis is one of those things that I just absolutely love. this may be a good time for you to just try something new. Try pickleball. There's so many different sports out there. Now don't hurt yourself, but just try something new. So another thing that I want to remind you is just to stop waiting for the perfect season to tend to yourself. I'm currently challenging myself.

to read one book a month. It's been freeing to get out of the mentality of, I'll wait until the kids get older before I start reading more. No, I just started. Actually, I started in December of last year, but it's still a goal that I challenge myself with instead of waiting to have the time. So part of getting back to yourself is also recovering what God has put in you. Like, what gifts have gone quiet over the years or over the seasons? What strengths have been buried under your daily routine, returning to what God has uniquely

placed in you, helps you with marriage, helps you with motherhood, helps you with work, helps you with service. I don't think all of those things were meant to bury your God given design. Like how God made you is enough to thrive in marriage. How God made you is enough to be a great mom, not a perfect mom, but a great mom. How God made you is enough for you to use those skills and show up at work.

Another thing to do when you feel like you have lost yourself is to let trusted people reflect you back to yourself. I remember when I started to really spiral and struggle. My husband was the one who noticed that I just was not being myself. And not only did he try to steer me back in the right direction, but he reached out to my best friend. He reached out to her. will never forget my friend Stacey. And he told her, he said, Hey, I'm concerned about Jennifer.

Now at this point, I didn't even know that I was so depressed. had so much anxiety. I couldn't put a diagnosis behind it, but it was very, very present. And he saw that gap and reached out to my friend. And so a way that you can practice that this week is reach out to a trusted friend. Reach out to that woman or reach out to that person that has provided wisdom for you and you trust and have a real conversation. And instead of giving them the polished answer, like when they ask, hey,

How are you doing? Or how has this been? Or are you nervous about this? You don't have to say, I'm good. You don't have to say it's okay. You don't even have to say, I'm okay. It's okay to not be okay. And then the last truth that I want you to hold on to is to accept that getting yourself back may look different than going forward. The goal here is not really to recover an older version of yourself. Like,

I look back at pictures of myself and I'm like, my gosh, can I get back to that Jennifer? But while that Jennifer might have been skinny, smiling all the time, that Jennifer was often sad. That Jennifer was not eating because I was so stressed. That Jennifer was so burnt out.

So to reclaim myself is not really getting back to that, Jennifer, but it's getting back to a healthier version of myself now. so the question that keeps you looking forward is who is God inviting you to become from here? Not who is God inviting you to become based on your past, but moving forward. And so as we close, I'd love to pray for you. God, thank you for seeing every woman that's listening right now. Please help her know Lord that you never, you never lost sight in her.

like she has slowly disappeared under the weight of roles, responsibilities, Remind her that she is not just what she does. And she is not only what she carries or fixes or manages or produces or leads. Lord, is your daughter. She is seen by you. She is known by you. She is loved by you. Lord, for the woman who feels forgotten, remind her that she is not forgotten. For the woman who feels down, strengthen her, Lord.

For the woman who may feel unseen, let her feel your nearness. And for the woman who wants to come back to you, the woman who wants to desperately come back to you, Lord, I ask that you lead her back first to you, not to her marriage, not to her children, but to you first. And then from there, all those things. We trust you, Lord, and we know that you do the restoring work. You're the surgeon of the heart. You are the one, Lord, who can transform our lives in spirit.

is back where we need to be. We love you for that. Jesus name we pray. Amen. Go win this week, sis, and make God proud. Bye for now.