Many of us find ourselves stuck in toxic relationships or dynamics with people who manipulate, control, and drain our energy. They can be overtly dominant or subtly manipulative, making it hard to see their true intentions. Being in these situations leaves us confused, hurt, and disconnected from our own power.

In this episode, you’ll learn to see the narcissistic shadow for what it really is. Once we understand the dynamics at play, we can take steps to protect ourselves and break free. This means setting clear boundaries, cutting off their control, and refusing to engage in their manipulation.

If we continue to let narcissists dictate our life’s path, we remain stuck in their game of control. They continue to manipulate, deceive, and cause harm. Our energy gets drained, and we lose touch with our own truth and power.

So this is an invitation to release those energetic ties between you and those who seek to manipulate and gaslight. Every small step we take in reclaiming our energy makes a difference.

Mentioned in this episode:

Healing Your Relationship with the Masculine
Everything you need to know about men in order to be the most embodied and conscious woman you can be.

Healing Your Attachment Style
Create deeper relationships and more abundance

Before we begin, I want to give a clear warning of this episode.

What I'm about to share may be challenging to hear.

I it will push against commonly held perceptions, commonly held ideas

and beliefs even about narcissism.

Today we'll go in depth into the narcissistic shadow, what it is, how it

operates, the layers of manipulation, and how to discern whether someone

you know or someone close to you is operating from a narcissistic shadow.

When you truly see it for what it is, you gain a profound

level of understanding.

This level of understanding, this level of clarity.

is often enough to allow you and to empower you to break free.

If you find yourself right now, perhaps in a very challenging

relationship dynamic with someone who might be a narcissist or with

someone who is engaging in highly, highly toxic behavior, or maybe

you've just gone through an experience and you are gladly free of that

narcissistic shadow,, but there is the aftermath and there is so much pain.

This discussion is based on my own personal experiences and the work I've

done with countless clients to help them break free of such dynamics, to

help them truly understand what is going on and how they might be dismissing

their own feelings and going against their own intuition unconsciously,

having been manipulated to see another person as the true version and source

of reality and how they should think, and how they should behave and,

and what they should believe in.

I believe the way we understand narcissism in today's society

is extremely limited, and that spirituality that is not grounded

and rooted in practicality, often adds to even more confusion and is

not always necessarily helping, but causing more pain, making it harder

to discern what is truly happening.

As always, I will share my unapologetic truth.

Some of you will deeply resonate with this, and this episode might transform

your life and understanding entirely.

Some of you might not, and even if you disagree, that is completely fine.

Only take on board what resonates and forget about the rest.

The only thing I ask of you is if you disagree or experience an emotional

trigger because of something I share, or because a world, we view

an idea that doesn't resonate with you, please give me the chance

to bring my whole point across.

Meaning listening to the entire episode.

Welcome to the Masculine and Feminine Dynamics podcast.

My name is Loren Kren and I'm a coach, author, and hypnotherapist.

I help you to understand masculine and feminine dynamics.

Let's dive in.

Before we become extremely practical and talk exactly about how the

narcissistic shadow works, the manipulation, the lies, the deceit,

and many other things that you might have never heard about before, we

need to discern something important, and that is the difference between

narcissistic tendencies and ticking all the boxes of being a narcissist.

The latest research tells us that narciss narcissism can be viewed on

a spectrum, which means that many of us have narcissistic tendencies.

But having narcissistic tendencies is not the same as being completely

in the grip of a narcissistic shadow.

Now, in this episode, I'm not referring to people who have some narcissistic

tendencies and traits, but they're aware of them, they're working through them.

In this episode, I'm referring to those who tick all the boxes, those

who engage in highly toxic behavior, and how you can deal with them, how

you can break free of them, how you can truly see them for who they are.

I'm also challenging the status quo.

Some statistics say that one to 6% of the population are probably narcissists.

I believe that is a statistic that needs to be thoroughly questioned,

and here are the reasons why I do not believe this is true at all, and why I

actually believe the numbers are much, much, much, and significantly higher.

Number one, underdiagnosis.

Many narcissists.

Naturally, a narcissist by definition, lacks self-awareness.

And when we don't acknowledge that there is some, there is a challenge

or there's a problem in the first place, how can we work on it?

So many narcissists avoid seeking help.

Many narcissists always blame others and never take responsibility for

the pain they're causing for their mistakes, many narcissists blame others

for their own problems and also do not see their behavior as problematic.

In fact, many narcissists.

Judge or say others are narcissists.

So if narcissists do not see any problem in their behavior and are so

trapped in their own deception and illusion and lies, and then blame

others of being narcissistic, how on earth can a statistic tell us how

many people are actually narcissists or are actually very high on the

spectrum of narcissistic traits?

I can tell you now it cannot.

So 1%.

1% of what?

1% of the very few narcissists who might be in therapy,?

1% of the very few narcissists who.

Might be actually aware, Hey, there is something going

on and I wanna work on it?

And what about the rest who fall into the category of seeing nothing

wrong or nothing problematic with their behavior and their actions,

and always blaming someone else?

Another issue is, and some researchers argue that diagnostic tools focus too

much on overt narcissism, neglecting the covert or vulnerable narcissism.

And what's interesting is covert narcissism is extremely difficult

to spot, and yet the damage caused by covert narcissists is just as

bad as by an overt narcissist.

The covert narcissism is the one who placed the victim, who placed

the underdog, who placed this.

Shy or nervous or, um, and people have empathy for them.

They prey on that.

They, they, they, they want you to believe that they're humble,

that they're very vulnerable, that they're shy, that they're nervous

or the, they're the opposite of the overt narcissist who is often

extremely dominant, extremely aggressive in an overt way.

The covert is everything is subtle.

Aggression is passive aggressivity, unless their mask really falls away.

Then they rewe often reveal what their true intentions are and how they truly

see you or see the world or see others.

So very quickly overt narcissism could be characterized by grandiosity,

entitlement, a strong need for admiration, often displayed through

extreme, over the top confidence and dominance, which of course

is a mask to mask a deep inner emptiness and insecurity and void.

And covert narcissism can be marked by insecurity, hypersensitivity to

criticism, and a very hidden sense of entitlement, often expressed

also, this what I mentioned before, passive aggression and victimhood.

They're always a victim.

Always people are doing something to them.

Poor them, poor them, whereas in truth, the things they blame others of is

often the very thing they engage in.

Let's get really practical in understanding the narcissistic shadow,

and then we're going to focus on how you can break free, practical steps,

how you can break free from someone, or any dynamic where someone is

operating from the narcissistic shadow.

I personally believe from my own personal experiences and awakenings

that I've had, that narcissism can be viewed as a shadow.

A shadow that hijacks an individual.

While I believe that the soul is inherently good, the soul is inherently

innocent, people can lose themselves.

Some people are lost and some people are dangerously lost.

In shamanism, this is often described as a shadow or an a shadow

entity, hijacking an individual.

In Christianity, it's called demons, it's called the devil.

In other traditions in Buddhism, the illusions of the mind, or in some

traditions, the spirit of greed.

Whatever we wanna call it, and, and, and grandiose ego, a spirit of the

dark, a demon, whatever at the end of the day, we wanna call it all these

traditions speak of the same thing.

And all these traditions teach us that we need to protect ourselves from this

energy, that we need to do our work to stay in our power, to stay clear,

to stay aligned with universal energy, with God, whatever you want to call

it, to make sure we don't end up in a dynamic where one of those shadows,

drains and sucks all our energy.

And when I say this, you know, when we say the word demon or entity,

people sometimes get creeped out, but there is nothing to be afraid of.

The way I see it is that we are, our light is infinitely more powerful.

It's just when we are very lost, we become vulnerable.

When we're very confused and we're very lost, when we're so

disconnected from who we are, that is where this shadow has power or

a chance to hijack an individual.

There also seems to be a strong link between intergenerational trauma,

meaning if narcissism ran for the family, often we will see the children

and when they become adults displayed the very same characteristics.

And the key thing is to not be afraid of it.

Because if you are here, if you are listening to this, if you are actively

looking at your own unconsciousness, then by definition you are the light.

A true narcissist will never, ever truly listen to this.

I don't just say these things because, well, because I've read them somewhere.

They come from my own embodied experience.

Without going too much into my personal story and staying practical,

I had awakenings in my life that gave me perhaps the, the skill or,

or gift or ability to see other people's shadow, to really see them.

And it's difficult to describe, and I know it's hard to verify

this because it's my own embodied experience, how can I show you that?

But experiences where I could see that, and if someone would've told

me Demon evil, uh, dark shadow, I would've said, ah, I don't know.

But then I saw it.

Not under the influence of any hallucinogenic drugs, no.

Being completely awake, conscious and having a mystical experience where

I could see these shadows trying to come at me, but I was protected.

And I am protected.

But I could see them, how they operate, how they work, how they function.

And I received a lot of guidance on how to protect myself from

that, how to work with that, and how to stay centered in my power.

These experiences made me realize how dangerous these shadows can be.

They can do incredible harm if you let them into your life.

If you give them any power over you.

And simultaneously they can do no harm.

If you protect yourself, if you set your boundaries, if you are

clear, if you are in alignment, they can do nothing, and yet they

can ruin lives if you let them in.

Now, let's get extremely practical.

The narcissistic shadow is extremely intelligent, but not

intelligent at a spiritual level.

Spiritually wise means doing good.

It means being in integrity because you know that what you put out

is what you're going to get back.

That's a fundamental law.

I believe what you give out, you're going to get back.

And if you do evil, then evil come back.

So someone who is naturally conscious, someone who is in their

power, they cannot do acts of deceive, manipulation, and lies.

And if they engage in that, then they will do everything to take

ownership, to take responsibility.

And that in itself is the healing process.

But the narcissistic shadow is extremely intelligent.

It is an energy that is disconnected from source because it is not

focused on the greater good of all.

Source is always focused on the greater good of all.

When you are in your highest power, when you are embodying

your highest self, you are always focused on the greater good of all.

There is this deeper universal purpose working through you.

You are not just merely an individual and here, out there

to meet your own selfish gains.

Yes, you have ambitions and dreams of your own and you should have

them, have them all and desire them.

Beautiful.

But there is a deep desire to do good, to act with integrity.

And the narcissistic shadow is the very polar opposite of integrity.

But it is extremely intelligent and it is a shadow that has disconnected

from source and it needs source or delight to remain alive.

So it, it needs to feed from the light in order to remain alive, which means

it's operating from a place of extreme fear, extreme anxiety, extreme survival.

Because it stands no chance against the light, and yet it needs the light.

And this is where its intelligence comes from.

Its intelligence is in manipulating, in deceiving, in creating

illusions, in tricking you.

Why do I say this?

Because have you ever noticed how incredibly intelligent, how much

intelligent it takes of a narcissist to turn people against each other?

To manipulate in such a subtle way that you don't even know

what's going on, and suddenly they get exactly what they want?

People turn against you?

Things happen that are beyond our comprehension.

one is the victim, and yet everyone takes the side of the

narcissist who abuse the victim.

How do they do this?

Because they use this intelligence of this extremely powerful shadow, and yet

it has no power if you are rooted in your, in, in your truth and your light.

But if you're not, it's very cunning.

It's extremely deceptive, and it's highly intelligent in causing harm,

in manipulating, in meeting its own selfish needs and desires, and gains

and feeding and strengthening itself.

When you are deeply afraid to lose power, what do you do?

You try to control.

And this is what a narcissistic shadow does.

It does not understand what love is.

Love is conditional, love is control, and of course, love is not control.

It's the very opposite of that.

Fear is control.

But the narcissistic shadow believes fear, or what it refers to as love

is fear and control, because it is so afraid of losing power because

actually it has no power unless we give it to it unconsciously.

It's so afraid to lose its power that he tries to control everything, and

this is why narcissists or those who are high, high up on that spectrum are

trying to control absolutely everything, how they are perceived, control others,

gain power over others, be seen as superior, everything is about control.

And because they need to control everything, everything becomes a game.

The game of control, and you are a mere object, a mere pawn in their

game to gain further control.

As long as you play their game, they love you.

They might tell you, I love you.

They might bombard you with love and admiration, but it's not love.

You're playing their game, so you are being very useful as a tool for them.

But the moment you say, dear Narcissist, I am no longer playing your game.

Here is my boundary, I'm no longer giving you any energy, that is

the moment where their love, what you once believed is them

loving you turns very quickly.

Into hatred, into extreme anger, into rage, into a smear campaign,

into blaming you, hurting you, inflicting pain upon you, and you

start to realize this was never love.

This was control.

As long as I played my part in a family dynamic, in a relationship, in

a business partnership, as long as I played my part, they loved me, they were

the nicest and most charming person.

But the moment I stopped playing my part in their game, their

true identity reveals itself.

And when you see that, you better believe this is who they truly

are because there is no going back.

And if there is a going back, it's only to get you back.

To use you as a puppet, and this is how this narcissistic

shadow views the world.

Everything is part of the game of control to strengthen itself

to further survive of the shadow.

It hijacks individuals, but ultimately this one shadow that has so many

different names in different traditions.

And this shadow has inhabited our earth and this shadow and many other

aspects of it, not just narcissism, although it is a big aspect, this

shadow is what keeps this world stuck at a low level of consciousness, what

keeps us stuck from truly evolving as a species, what keeps us in wars,

what keeps us in pain, and that is why the work we do is so important.

Because food is work.

The light grows stronger.

As the light grows stronger, the resistance of the shadow grows stronger.

It becomes more aggressive.

But at the same time, this is only because it's threatened.

And when it's threatened, it's a good sign because it means you are

in your power and it is losing power.

Let's give some examples.

Family dynamic, parents feeling entitled of the money of their child.

If you give me money, I love you.

If you stop giving me money, well then I've got a problem with you.

That's not love, that is entitlement.

That is an extremely immature way of looking at the world, and it's nothing

to do with a true deep love towards another being, or in a relationship, As

long as you give me these experiences and you give me money, money is

often used as a, because money gives so much power in this human life,

that's why there's so much money manipulation and this seed around

it because of what it represents.

And there's nothing wrong with money.

It's about how you use it and what energy.

Ultimately what energy it is being.

It is being used for.

Money is neutral, but for the energy of the narcissistic shadow.

Money can become evil in that sense.

But through a soul who's deeply in their power, money is beauty,

money is abundance, money is prosperity, money is divine.

Another sign is a total lack of empathy.

A lack of empathy that in a way is dangerous.

Maybe you've seen this before when you've spoken to a narcissist and

they gave an incredible disregarding comment about someone else, or someone

they once loved or some, a good friend of theirs, you just notice they're

making a comment that is so lacking any fundamentals of empathy and compassion.

No ethics, no moral compass, no nothing.

It's just, it's so cold that it gives you an icky feeling.

That is exactly what I'm trying to describe.

This lack of empathy is dangerous in a way because they cannot put

themselves into your shoes, because all there is is their own experience.

They're so trapped in their own deceit, in their own need to control

everything, that they don't have the awareness and space to even

think about what you truly want.

How you can feel safe, what it means to support you at a deeper level.

There is no space for that because all there is is themselves.

All there is is their own ego that is so grand deal, so powerful

that there is just no ability to empathetically and compassionately

feel into the experience of another.

It's not that they, that they don't want to do it, it's that they can't, when

they're trapped in that narcissistic shadow, they have no ability to do this.

And if they show empathy, then only because they're using it as a tool

to manipulate you, because their shadow understands that empathy is

part of being a good human being, and they want to be seen as a good human

being, so they do all these things and use all these things to make

you believe they are a good being.

But if you look deeply enough, you will notice there's a total lack of empathy.

There's a total lack of compassion, and it gives you a cold feeling.

It gives you a sense of ick, gives you a sense of, whoa,

there's something not right there.

And of course, because they want to control everything,

they manipulate, they lie.

Everything is a deception.

And this is especially difficult with covert narcissists who played a role

of the underdog, who played a role of the victim, who played a role of, oh,

I'm so vulnerable, I'm so fragile.

Everyone is out there to hurt me, because you won't be as aware of their

deception and their lies and their manipulation as you might be with

someone who is so overtly displaying science of only caring about their

own selfish gains and desires.

And this manipulation goes from horrendous lying and deceive about

cheating or doing all sorts of, all sorts of backstabbing, smear

campaigns, turning people against each other, whatever it is, really

nasty things to very subtle ways of deception and lying, such as in

conversation, dropping certain pieces of information that don't make any

sense in the conversation, but they're trying to steer it in a certain way.

Gaslighting you, making you question your own narrative and reality by

questioning your memory, by saying things such as, uh, you seem to have

some challenges remembering things because I never said that, even though

you clearly know they said it, but when you are confused and vulnerable

to this, to this level of abuse, which it really is abuse, it's abusive,

then you will position them in your mind as, as your source of reality.

And, and what they believe in is what you believe in.

You, you, you give away your autonomy.

You, you disregard your own intuition.

You disregard your own truth, and they become your source of truth.

They become the source ultimately.

And being in a relationship with a safe and conscious person

is the opposite because yes, they will have their own truth.

They might disagree with you.

You might, um.

Have disagreements, but they will always support you in you living your

highest truth, just as you will support them in living your highest truth.

But for the narcissist or the one who is really trapped in a narcissistic shadow,

it's all about their version of reality.

And as long as you play along, they like you, they, they are

charming, they're loving, seemingly.

But the moment you no longer play along, you no longer accept their

version of reality, and you bring your own truth and your own power and

your own perceptions, specifically disagreements, when you disagree

with them, you will start to notice that their what was once called love

quickly turns into aggression, turns into rage, turns into a very nasty,

and very, very negative energy that is extremely draining, outright

toxic, and not safe for you at all.

So moving to the final topic of today's episode, how do you break

free of a narcissistic dynamic?

Number one, and there's so much more to share about this, but

number one is being aware of all these things because when you see

a narcissistic shadow for what it truly is, then you have got clarity.

And with that clarity, you are much more empowered to break free because

you know what you're dealing with.

So let's get very practical here.

Number one, you cannot have a heart to heart conversation.

The same logic, moral ethics, or co moral compass that we as

human beings have who act with integrity does not apply to dealing

with someone who is completely hijacked by a narcissistic shadow.

With a person who is somewhat conscious, you can have an uncomfortable

conversation about a disagreement and come to a resolution because

the other person is respectful or in some way in somewhat honoring of

your truth With a narcissist, this is usually not possible no matter

what you try, no matter what you do.

So forget about the heart-to-heart conversation.

Forget about the Let's get spiritual, let's open our

hearts, let's do this and that.

No, all of this will be used against you.

I've seen this again and again with people trying to give love and

that love gets used against them.

Always give love.

But sometimes you have to give love at a distance with people who are so toxic,

who are just going to hurt you the moment you open your heart in any shape

or form, simply because they're so lost.

Anything vulnerable you give them, they will use against you.

You cannot meet their soul as they are lost.

You will only ever meet their shadow.

Remember that you are not speaking to who they truly are.

Their deep soul who is lost, deeply lost.

Is that unfortunate?

Yes.

But it's not your responsibility to take care of them.

It's not your responsibility to change it.

And quite frankly, you can't change it.

It is their responsibility, it's their experience.

For whatever reason, they're stuck in this horrendous shadow, and that

means you have to protect yourself.

So the conversation becomes how do you break free of the shadow that is

trying to exert power over you, that is trying to control you or keeping

you trapped in toxic dynamics where you walk on eggshells and lose your power?

Number one, if you can walk away, walk away forever.

Break up all contact.

Completely, completely burn all bridges and walk away forever.

The moment you let them back in their shadow is going to try to get you

back into it and, and be mindful.

They will.

They will try to get you back, get you back in their game to receive

validation, to use you in some shape or form to meet their own selfish needs.

And they will become very kind and very charismatic, how they

first wear, empathetic, take ownership, but usually it's a mask.

And very soon when you open your heart again, boom, the old behavior

comes back almost immediately.

And their real intentions reveal themselves in a nanosecond.

If you cannot walk away, and this is usually because you've

got children together, if.

It is a business partnership.

Maybe millions are, millions are on the line in this business partnership

and, and you can't just walk away and, and let them unfairly have

absolutely everything and let them, so to speak, win by smear campaigns

and turning everyone against you.

Whatever that dynamic is, or a close family member, that you

have to in somewhat deal with because by falling out, you fall

out with everyone else as well.

Sometimes it's just not possible and you have to fall out to protect your truth.

But there's, we can all agree that there's certain dynamics where it's

very hard to just walk away forever.

For those dynamics here is what to do.

In every communication with them.

Keep things extremely superficial.

Do not become vulnerable.

Do not overexplain.

Don't give them anything they can use against you.

Speak to them in a very neutral tone, even though it's hard.

Don't bring emotions.

And when you set your boundaries, set them from a grounded place of

neutrality as if you do not give a shit.

Of course you do because you're a human being.

But the moment you explain yourself, the moment you become vulnerable,

the moment is the moment you open the door for them to manipulate you,

for them to gain some form of power over you, because that's all it is

about gaining power over you in ways that are beyond our comprehension

as human beings of integrity and who want to do good in the world.

So it's almost, you apply the opposite logic you would apply to

how you would deal with someone with whom you have a disagreement.

You, you enter your heart, you speak your truth, and all of that.

But this logic and logic or this spiritual wisdom does not apply

to narcissists or who are on the high end of the spectrum.

With them, you ignore.

You don't bring emotions.

You set your boundary without explaining why you're setting the boundary.

And then they will try to provoke you.

They will try to steer an argument to get you to react, and then you

reiterate your boundary again.

And the more powerfully you do that and you don't give them any reaction

or you don't show any reaction, the more their shadow over time will start

to lose interest in you, because you are no longer a tool that can be used.

This will take a while.

They will try absolutely everything in their power to get you back in their

game, but if you truly persevere, they will lose interest because they

realize you can't be manipulated.

So you become useless.

They disregard your child by, but this is exactly what you want because

then they stop interfering with your life, with your loved ones and

causing so much damage and hurt.

This is the best case scenario when you have to deal with them, but their

shadow knows with you the manipulation and using you as a tool does not work.

Doesn't mean the relationship will be great or fantastic, but

at least your energy will be much less affected by this dynamic.

And the last thing to end today's episode is to break

free of the energetic tires.

At an energetic level, their shadow, when you are vulnerable, when you are

too engaged with them, they're energetic ties where you feel sorry for them,

where you empathize with them, where you feel compassion, but in a way that

hurts you, in a way that gives them power in a way where you excuse their

behavior and disregard your power and intuition, do a cord cutting exercise.

Or you can say, I release the energetic ties off.

I release, I release.

And you keep saying that and you embody that, and you breathe with that.

You feel your heart.

I release the energetic ties off and just say it right now, out loud.

Feel your heart.

Breathe in your heart.

You will notice.

It'll feel good, most likely.

Or it will start to feel extremely liberating the more you free yourself.

Doing all the things I just mentioned is freeing yourself of the energetic ties.

But at a spiritual level, I recommend cord cutting exercise or any exercise.

I do this in hypnotherapy a lot or in many embodiment practice in my

offerings and programs, I use this all the time in many, many different ways.

How you can free yourself of these energetic dynamics.

But truly your intuition will guide you.

Apart from all these things cut these lines through a powerful

retool or, or, or any retool that energetically symbolizes I am done.

I'm not allowing them to have any power over me.

Now, there's so much here.

This has been a long episode now, and it's very hard to distill this

information into a short episode because actually I could go on for

six hours or even longer because there was so much more to it.

But I'm gonna do more episodes about it.

For now.

Let's leave it here.

I'm so honored to have you here.

If you have enjoyed this episode, it would mean the world to me if you can

give it five stars, the podcast, if you, that's how you truly feel about it.

This is how you can support us for us to continue to support you at

the deepest level, by providing these episodes entirely for free.

Now, this will take a few seconds, a five star review or

a thumbs up on YouTube, wherever you're watching or listening.

Now to leave a short review, 30 seconds, 45, 60 seconds, that goes even further.

Or share this with someone who you think can benefit from this.

Someone who needs to see, or who is in this dynamic, or someone

who's just gone through this.

Share it with them.

Because it might just change their life.

One insight.

One insight from this episode might change their life and might make a

huge shift, and that's everything.

One shift, one insight, one breakthrough at a time.

If you want to benefit from more free offerings, you can click

on the show notes or description or visit lorinkrenn.com.

I've got free eBooks.

I've got a free newsletter, lorinkrenn.com/newsletter

in the show notes.

Every Friday a powerful news email comes out.

Once again, thank you so much for being here.

I'm so honored to, to be of service in your journey.

Thank you for the courageous soul that you are.

I honor you.

I see you and I bow to you.

Thank you.