This discussion focuses on how to navigate career setbacks, specifically not getting the promotion you’d been hoping for. I discuss our primal need not to be rejected and its impact in this type of situation. There are also effective strategies for handling these situations, like preparing for potential outcomes and being strategic about responses. I also suggest ways to handle feedback to ensure growth. Maintaining a professional demeanour around the office and seeking follow-up meetings for continued discussions and potential resources are also emphasised. Lastly, advice is given on keeping career options open and persevering through disappointment.
00:00 Introduction and Overview
00:16 Understanding the Psychology of Rejection
03:12 Preparing for, and Reaction When Receiving, the News
[00:00:20] Then I'll talk about the fact that you should prepare to receive good or bad news and how you might go about that. I'll then talk about being strategic in your approach, followed by what to do in the moment when you receive the news. And lastly, how to follow up.
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[00:01:12] So, really easy to say, much, much harder to do in practice. So before we look at what the strategic response might be, let's look Let's think a bit about the psychology that might be going on here. So human beings have two basic needs. One's the need for connection and the other is the need not to be rejected.
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[00:01:54] for example, babies in incubators perform much, much better if they're taken out regularly and given skin to skin contact. And many studies are now showing the importance of social connection, both for general well being, helping with mental health, and even warding off things like Alzheimer's. If we look at rejection as well as connection, clearly being rejected by your tribe would mean certain death if you were left to fend for yourself on your own, particularly at young age.
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[00:02:49] work through this process, and then after all of that, the answer is no. And for a lot of lawyers, their identity is innately linked to their job and how they're regarded in that role. So this rejection really strikes at the heart of your identity. It's also likely that a lot of lawyers have been high performers throughout their academic career, and they might not have...
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[00:03:39] But I'd really recommend just. So I'm just taking a few minutes out to think how you might respond in each scenario. So I'm going to assume that hopefully you're going to be given this news if it's bad news, face to face, in person, or via video call or a phone call. You're not just going to get a text or an email.
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[00:04:21] So for this reason, there are two things I want you to do. Firstly, in the meeting, when you're given the news, do as little as possible and get out of there. Secondly, ahead of time, reframe the potential bad news. So, let's look at reframing. So, as I said, it's very likely to feel like a personal rejection.
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[00:05:02] It's not a personal decision, but it's a decision that feels very personal. Someone once said that to me, about doing business development and going out and trying to win business, and I found it really helpful in terms of the rejection of not being instructed when you've gone out. So I want you to repeat that to yourself.
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[00:05:46] So many, many different things. That have nothing to do with you or how good you are. It's really important to remember that this isn't personal. Your firm don't hate you. It's not that they don't value you. They don't think you're rubbish for what you do. And it's really important to also remember that at the end of the day, your firm is just an entity made up of individuals.
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[00:06:28] It's not a personal decision, it's just a decision that feels very personal. and ideally maybe write down the other reasons why they may have decided. To make a decision, to not promote you, there are nothing to do with you. So you've got a sense of the other considerations that might have gone into the process.
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[00:07:33] The question then to ask yourself is, is this the most sensible approach? So firstly, in ten years time, would you be glad that you'd stayed and had another go at getting promoted the following year? or if you decide you do want to leave, maybe it would be a good idea to keep your options open and look like you're going to stay and have another go whilst you look around for a new job.
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[00:08:14] Listen, say thank you to the person who's given you the news. maybe acknowledge that it won't have been easy for them. And then say you'd like some time to process the decision, but you'd very much like to come back to them and discuss the decision in more detail once you've had some time to absorb it.
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[00:08:55] But then I'd really like the opportunity to come back and discuss the decision in more detail with you. I'm still really committed to the firm and I want to do everything I can to put me in the best possible position I can for next year's process. Now, that last bit you might not feel able to say at that point, so you could just say the preceding five or so statements, but keep it really brief, end the meeting, get out of there, do your utmost not to get drawn into a discussion, but keep a calm and dignified posture and leave.
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[00:09:51] So hurt, sulky, angry. What I assume that you'll want to do is to keep all of your options open. And to have the decision makers look at the dignified way you're responding and wondering perhaps in fact they made a mistake. What's really interesting is that people set enormous store by, to how you react when you receive bad news like this.
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[00:10:37] I've heard it time and time again Also have a think not just about how you react with people who are more senior than you And the people who are delivering the news but also about your composure around the office generally first of all If you talk to people about all of the strong Upset emotions that you're feeling.
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[00:11:14] Keep yourself generally calm and contained when you're dealing with people in the office. So the last stage is what to do in the follow-up meeting that I've suggested you ask for. So the first thing is to make sure that it actually happens and that it happens before too long. It's really easy for both sides to put off having this meeting because neither of you really want to have it.
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[00:11:56] So, what I'd say is listen really hard to the feedback. Maybe take some notes. don't argue with the feedback. You just want to absorb it and not feel defensive, which is likely to be your natural reaction, completely human reaction to anything critical that we hear. We want to argue with it and put our side of the argument.
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[00:12:34] I would also say don't forget or dismiss the positive feedback that you're likely to get at this point. Again, a lot of people just dismiss anything positive, that's quite an instinctual reaction. But really take note of it, write it down as well, and then try and absorb it. There is some positive there, it's not just all about what you hadn't done or what else you need to do.
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[00:13:17] But what I'd recommend is to think again strategically about what could you do to change that perception. So it exists. There's nothing you can do about that. So, why don't you go about trying to change it? As annoying as I know that might feel. The other thing to do in the meeting is to get as specific as possible about any advice they can give you about how to address the feedback or how to be successful next time around.
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[00:14:11] This is also a really great time to ask for resources, effectively. You've got some bargaining power at this point, because they'll feel bad about having delivered this news, and they'll welcome anything they can do, however small, to make it feel better that they're having to deliver this news. So, so one thing you could do is obviously ask for coaching.
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[00:14:54] I then always ask if you could have another follow up meeting in a month or two's time. Because what you want to do. is to keep this dialogue open, keep getting advice and support. In that way, you'll be binding this person in, emotionally, to you and your promotion prospects. And you'll also be making it very clear to them that you still want that promotion.
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[00:15:33] You're 100 percent committed to working on what they've said. What you want to do is for them to leave that conversation feeling really good about it. So those are my top tips about to, about how to deal with this really difficult time. Try if you can to prepare in advance and remember it's not personal.
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[00:16:15] And thank you for watching. I'll see you again soon.
