Ep#5 - What should I do if I don't get the promotion I wanted - The Women's Room

[00:00:00] Hi there. So today I wanted to talk about an issue that comes up from time to time with my coachees, which is what to do if you don't get that promotion that you'd really been hoping for. So just to give you a summary of how I'm going to approach this. first of all, we'll look at some of the psychology around rejection.

[00:00:20] Then I'll talk about the fact that you should prepare to receive good or bad news and how you might go about that. I'll then talk about being strategic in your approach, followed by what to do in the moment when you receive the news. And lastly, how to follow up.

[00:00:36] from that meeting in the short and longer term. So the first thing I should say is that not getting the promotion you were hoping for is, of course, a really, really difficult thing to deal with. It's really likely that you're going to feel hurt, angry, frustrated. So the main thing I want to talk about is something that I talk to a lot of my coaches about, which is how can you respond to this emotionally charged event strategically, rather than just respond with the emotions that you're feeling?

[00:01:12] So, really easy to say, much, much harder to do in practice. So before we look at what the strategic response might be, let's look Let's think a bit about the psychology that might be going on here. So human beings have two basic needs. One's the need for connection and the other is the need not to be rejected.

[00:01:33] So if you think back in time when we were evolving as human beings and when we were tribal entities living in small groups out in the wild, what was really important for us was to be part of a community. and we needed both social and physical connection. There have been lots of studies to show how important physical connection is.

[00:01:54] for example, babies in incubators perform much, much better if they're taken out regularly and given skin to skin contact. And many studies are now showing the importance of social connection, both for general well being, helping with mental health, and even warding off things like Alzheimer's. If we look at rejection as well as connection, clearly being rejected by your tribe would mean certain death if you were left to fend for yourself on your own, particularly at young age.

[00:02:21] So this need not to be rejected is really deep. It's really, really primal. And not getting that promotion that you were hoping for really is a rejection. It's also likely to feel like a really personal rejection as you've probably done lots and lots of prep and really put yourself on the line doing business cases, presentations, doing interviews, probably taking a long time to...

[00:02:49] work through this process, and then after all of that, the answer is no. And for a lot of lawyers, their identity is innately linked to their job and how they're regarded in that role. So this rejection really strikes at the heart of your identity. It's also likely that a lot of lawyers have been high performers throughout their academic career, and they might not have...

[00:03:12] Suffered much failure or rejection in their academic life. So that will make this an even greater shock. So, so what do you do? So let's, let's first talk about, preparing to receive the news. So what I'd really recommend is spending a bit of time, ahead of getting the news to prepare If things don't go the way that you hope, I know you probably won't want to do this 'cause you're probably hoping that you'll get good news and you probably won't want to think about the worst happening.

[00:03:39] But I'd really recommend just. So I'm just taking a few minutes out to think how you might respond in each scenario. So I'm going to assume that hopefully you're going to be given this news if it's bad news, face to face, in person, or via video call or a phone call. You're not just going to get a text or an email.

[00:03:57] It's really likely that if you receive bad news, I'd say probably certain, that some really strong emotions will come up due to all the expectations that have been built up and due to the rejection that I've already talked about. At this point, your emotional limbic brain will take over. All your blood will flow there, and the more rational part of your brain will be left out completely in the cold.

[00:04:21] So for this reason, there are two things I want you to do. Firstly, in the meeting, when you're given the news, do as little as possible and get out of there. Secondly, ahead of time, reframe the potential bad news. So, let's look at reframing. So, as I said, it's very likely to feel like a personal rejection.

[00:04:42] It's likely that you've done all sorts of preparation for this process, very much centred on you and your performance. From preparing business cases, to attending courses, to doing psychometric tests, and then ultimately interviews. So what I want you to remember is that this really isn't a personal decision.

[00:05:02] It's not a personal decision, but it's a decision that feels very personal. Someone once said that to me, about doing business development and going out and trying to win business, and I found it really helpful in terms of the rejection of not being instructed when you've gone out. So I want you to repeat that to yourself.

[00:05:21] It's really likely that a whole host of considerations you won't have thought of will have gone into the decision about whether or not you should be promoted that have very, very little to do with you. So they might be the strength of the market you're operating in. How well your individual team is performing, how well your firm is performing, how many people higher up the chain have or have not retired, influencing how much compensation there is to go around.

[00:05:46] So many, many different things. That have nothing to do with you or how good you are. It's really important to remember that this isn't personal. Your firm don't hate you. It's not that they don't value you. They don't think you're rubbish for what you do. And it's really important to also remember that at the end of the day, your firm is just an entity made up of individuals.

[00:06:07] There's nothing else there. There is no. So, being that is a company or a firm, just a lot of individuals who all have their own flaws and self interest. And at the end of the day, as much as you enjoy what you do, hopefully it is just a job. You haven't been rejected by someone you really love. So that's what I want you to say to yourself.

[00:06:28] It's not a personal decision, it's just a decision that feels very personal. and ideally maybe write down the other reasons why they may have decided. To make a decision, to not promote you, there are nothing to do with you. So you've got a sense of the other considerations that might have gone into the process.

[00:06:48] What I then want you to say to yourself is. I am good enough. I really am good enough. They might not be able to make me a partner or promote me into a new title this year, but I'm good enough to get there. And I'd love you to believe that deep down as well, but that's a subject for a different video. So then what I want you to do ahead of time is to think about what will you will do if you don't get that promotion. Not what you want to do, but what you will do once your rational brain is back in the driving seat. It's very likely that your reaction will be, if your emotional brain is in control, that you'll want to leave or take a go slow approach, or make it very clear to everyone how unhappy you are.

[00:07:33] The question then to ask yourself is, is this the most sensible approach? So firstly, in ten years time, would you be glad that you'd stayed and had another go at getting promoted the following year? or if you decide you do want to leave, maybe it would be a good idea to keep your options open and look like you're going to stay and have another go whilst you look around for a new job.

[00:07:55] So it's really helpful to do this before you get into the meeting so you've got a sense of why you might want to behave more strategically rather than emotionally. So moving on to the meeting itself, as I said, I want you to do as little as possible. In this meeting, take a containment approach.

[00:08:14] Listen, say thank you to the person who's given you the news. maybe acknowledge that it won't have been easy for them. And then say you'd like some time to process the decision, but you'd very much like to come back to them and discuss the decision in more detail once you've had some time to absorb it.

[00:08:33] So, I guess the way you could approach it is to say something like, Thank you very much for letting me know. I know it can't have been easy delivering this message. So thank you for doing that. I'm very grateful that you've done it in person. I obviously need to go away and process this news. it's very disappointing as I'm sure you appreciate.

[00:08:55] But then I'd really like the opportunity to come back and discuss the decision in more detail with you. I'm still really committed to the firm and I want to do everything I can to put me in the best possible position I can for next year's process. Now, that last bit you might not feel able to say at that point, so you could just say the preceding five or so statements, but keep it really brief, end the meeting, get out of there, do your utmost not to get drawn into a discussion, but keep a calm and dignified posture and leave.

[00:09:28] If you do stay and start discussing things, it's likely. That your emotions will take over. Don't worry if they do. Don't worry if they do and it doesn't go as you planned. Because you can still pick the pieces up afterwards. So the next stage that I'd like to talk about is about behaving strategically rather than saying exactly what you think and then behaving in a way that reflects that.

[00:09:51] So hurt, sulky, angry. What I assume that you'll want to do is to keep all of your options open. And to have the decision makers look at the dignified way you're responding and wondering perhaps in fact they made a mistake. What's really interesting is that people set enormous store by, to how you react when you receive bad news like this.

[00:10:14] Number one, if you behave well, it makes their life easier and more comfortable, which they're grateful for subconsciously or consciously. But also people see a calm and measured response. And they interpret this as a real sign of maturity and inner confidence. I can't stress How much store people put by the way you react when you've received bad news.

[00:10:37] I've heard it time and time again Also have a think not just about how you react with people who are more senior than you And the people who are delivering the news but also about your composure around the office generally first of all If you talk to people about all of the strong Upset emotions that you're feeling.

[00:10:56] It's likely that you'll spin yourself into a bit of a frenzy, but you've also got to be careful about talking to your fellow employees too openly. And then that's starting to cause chatter within the office. So obviously you'll probably want to talk openly with a few close friends, but keep it limited.

[00:11:14] Keep yourself generally calm and contained when you're dealing with people in the office. So the last stage is what to do in the follow-up meeting that I've suggested you ask for. So the first thing is to make sure that it actually happens and that it happens before too long. It's really easy for both sides to put off having this meeting because neither of you really want to have it.

[00:11:37] You don't want to hear anything negative. They don't want to tell you anything negative. But it's really important that you do have that meeting and you do get some feedback. If you can get some feedback in writing, all the better, so maybe ask for that. But definitely have a meeting. Then when you're in there again, what you want to do is try and control your emotions.

[00:11:56] So, what I'd say is listen really hard to the feedback. Maybe take some notes. don't argue with the feedback. You just want to absorb it and not feel defensive, which is likely to be your natural reaction, completely human reaction to anything critical that we hear. We want to argue with it and put our side of the argument.

[00:12:17] One thing that can be really helpful to do is to paraphrase back to whoever's giving you the feedback, what they're saying, and then that way you can make sure you're properly understanding it. and they. happy that you've understood it, but it'll also stop you giving into the temptation to argue with it.

[00:12:34] I would also say don't forget or dismiss the positive feedback that you're likely to get at this point. Again, a lot of people just dismiss anything positive, that's quite an instinctual reaction. But really take note of it, write it down as well, and then try and absorb it. There is some positive there, it's not just all about what you hadn't done or what else you need to do.

[00:12:56] So then I go away. Reflect on the feedback. Ideally, talk it through with someone. It's, and again, remember, this isn't about how good you are. This is all about people's perception of you. And that could be completely wrong and it could be unfair. And you could use, choose to reject this perception on that basis.

[00:13:17] But what I'd recommend is to think again strategically about what could you do to change that perception. So it exists. There's nothing you can do about that. So, why don't you go about trying to change it? As annoying as I know that might feel. The other thing to do in the meeting is to get as specific as possible about any advice they can give you about how to address the feedback or how to be successful next time around.

[00:13:46] So, are there targets you need to meet? Do you need to raise your profile? If so, in what way, with whom? How would they advise you to go about meeting targets or meeting people? Is there anyone else they'd recommend you speaking to? basically anything they tell you try and really dig into what does it mean and what could you do to address it and what's their advice.

[00:14:11] This is also a really great time to ask for resources, effectively. You've got some bargaining power at this point, because they'll feel bad about having delivered this news, and they'll welcome anything they can do, however small, to make it feel better that they're having to deliver this news. So, so one thing you could do is obviously ask for coaching.

[00:14:29] I'd clearly recommend that. but you could also ask for someone to mentor you over the next few months, or see if there are other people they could introduce you to. Are there specific types of work or projects that would be really helpful for your profile to get involved in? So have a think about anything you'd like to ask for training programmes, anything that any support that you'd like from them or the firm and ask for it in this meeting.

[00:14:54] I then always ask if you could have another follow up meeting in a month or two's time. Because what you want to do. is to keep this dialogue open, keep getting advice and support. In that way, you'll be binding this person in, emotionally, to you and your promotion prospects. And you'll also be making it very clear to them that you still want that promotion.

[00:15:17] Whether in reality you do or not, you want to give the impression that you want to go into the process again next year until you're absolutely certain that isn't what you want. So then I just say, thank you. You really appreciate them taking the time. You've got a good sense or understanding of the feedback.

[00:15:33] You're 100 percent committed to working on what they've said. What you want to do is for them to leave that conversation feeling really good about it. So those are my top tips about to, about how to deal with this really difficult time. Try if you can to prepare in advance and remember it's not personal.

[00:15:54] You're great. Your career is a long, long career. So maybe think very hard about going for it again next time before you leave. I hope that's been helpful. Do let me know if there are any other topics you'd like me to cover by going to the Women's Room Legal Division link on this page and submitting a question telling me about other areas you'd like me to cover.

[00:16:15] And thank you for watching. I'll see you again soon.

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