Why "I Treat Everyone the Same" Makes LGBTQ People Feel Invisible and What to Say Instead
Episode 250 •
24th February 2026 • More Human. More Kind. | Parenting LGBTQ Kids, Unlearning Fear, Becoming More Human • Heather Hester | Advocate for Parents of LGBTQ Teens
Have you ever said, “I treat everyone the same,” thinking it signaled love only to feel the room shift?
In this episode, Heather Hester unpacks one of the most common phrases well-meaning parents and allies use and why it often lands as erasure instead of inclusion.
If you’re trying to support your LGBTQ child but sometimes feel unsure what to say, this conversation offers practical, grounded guidance to help you move from equality language to equity-based support.
In this episode, you’ll:
Understand the critical difference between equality and equity in LGBTQ allyship
Learn why “I treat everyone the same” can unintentionally create emotional distance
Get simple, real-life phrases you can use to help your LGBTQ loved one feel seen, safe, and supported
You’ll walk away with more clarity, more confidence, and language that builds trust instead of tension.
Press play to learn how to upgrade one simple phrase and become the kind of LGBTQ ally whose support truly lands.
Hi, I’m Heather Hester, and I’m so glad you’re here!
Feeling uncertain or overwhelmed? Download my free guide to take you from Panic to Plan.
Listen to *NEW* episodes every Tuesday and Friday!
At the heart of my work is a deep commitment to compassion, authenticity, and transformative allyship, especially for those navigating the complexities of parenting LGBTQ kids. Through this podcast, speaking, my writing, and the spaces I create, I help people unlearn bias, embrace their full humanity, and grow their capacity for courageous, compassionate connection.
For parents, allies, and those pioneering a way to lead with love and kindness, I’m here with true, messy, and heart-warming stories, real tools, and grounding support to help you move from fear to fierce, informed action.
Whether you’re listening in, working with me directly, or quietly taking it all in, I see you. And I’m so glad you’re part of this journey.
More Human. More Kind. formerly Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen is a safe and supportive podcast in a heartfelt and empowering space where a mom and advocate offers practical guidance and education to parents and allies, fostering empathy, kindness, love, and strong boundaries while supporting LGBTQ teens and the diverse LGBTQ community—including gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, transgender, and queer individuals—through conversations about mental health, grief, gender identity, sexual orientation, human rights, social justice, parenting, parent support, and meaningful LGBTQ allyship and allyship in action.
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Transcripts
Speaker A:
In today's episode, you will discover why saying I treat everyone the same actually makes you sound like a bad ally.
Speaker A:
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:
I'm Heather Hester, author, speaker, and advocate for LGBTQ youth and the people who love them.
Speaker A:
This is the podcast for the parent who looks fine on the outside but is carrying a quiet panic on the inside.
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Here we name what's real without shame, so you can can become the kind of grounded, brave, loving person your child can actually feel.
Speaker A:
You're not alone.
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You don't have to do this perfectly.
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Let's get into it.
Speaker A:
Welcome to More Human, More Kind.
Speaker A:
I'm Heather Hester.
Speaker A:
This is the space where we transform hard conversations into human ones, especially when it comes to our LGBTQ teens, loved ones, students, and communities.
Speaker A:
If you're listening today because you care but aren't always sure what to say or how to say it, you're in the right place.
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So have you ever said, I treat everyone the same because you genuinely meant, I'm a safe person, but the other person got quieter or pulled back, or you just felt their energy shift and you didn't know why?
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Today we're talking about this very common ally phrase that sounds kind but often lands as erasure.
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And not only will I show you how to fix it, I'll also explain why it comes across that way.
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Most people who say, I treat everyone the same are not trying to be dismissive.
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They're trying to signal, I'm not judging you or you're safe with me or I love you no matter what.
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The intention is good, but the impact can be the absolute opposite.
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And here is this allied trap.
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When someone says, I treat everyone the same, an LGBTQ person often hears, I'm not going to acknowledge what you go through, or I don't want to talk about this part of you or your identity is inconvenient to me.
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And this goes for any marginalized person.
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Even if you don't mean any of that.
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That's what it can sound like for someone who has had to fight to be seen.
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So why does this happen?
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Well, here's the simple explanation.
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There is a difference between equality and equity.
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Equality means everyone gets the same thing.
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Equity means people get what they need to be safe, supported and able to thrive.
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Equality sounds fair, but it assumes everyone starts in the same place and faces the same barriers.
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And we know that that's just not true when equal I treat everyone the same goes unexamined.
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Here's what happens internally for you as an ally or parent.
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You get confused or defensive because you're thinking, I'm being kind.
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Perhaps you then hesitate more next time before saying something.
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Or you even stay quiet because you're afraid of messing up.
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Externally, for the LGBTQ person, they share less.
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They stop bringing you the real stuff.
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They stop trusting that you can handle their truth.
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And they learn that they have to carry this alone.
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And one of the biggest heartbreaks is this.
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A teen can be silently suffering, and the adults around them think they're being supportive by offering phrases such as this one.
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But all the while, the teen feels unseen, unheard, and misunderstood.
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Imagine your child comes to you and says something vulnerable about their identity, or about what they're hearing at school, or about a policy, or being afraid, and your response is, I treat everyone the same.
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On the surface, that sounds like love.
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There may even be a piece of you who feels more evolved or more accepting by saying that.
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But in the moment, to your child, it can feel like you're saying, I don't want to go there, or this is really uncomfortable.
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And this neat statement covers that feeling up for me.
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What your child needed in that moment wasn't neutrality, though.
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They needed safety and they needed to be seen, mess and all.
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So let's break down the three misconceptions that keep people stuck in this the first one is if I don't point out differences, I'm being respectful.
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No, respect is not pretending differences don't exist.
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Respect is acknowledging them without judgment.
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I just have to say that again, respect is not pretending differences don't exist.
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Respect is acknowledging them without judgment.
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The second mistake or misconception is Talking about identity makes it awkward.
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Nope, avoidance makes it awkward.
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Naming reality with kindness, acknowledging it makes it safer.
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And the third mistake or misconception is if I treat everyone the same, I'm fair.
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And again, no, fair doesn't always mean same.
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Fair means people have what they need, whether that is to be successful, to be seen, to be understood, to thrive.
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So here's the reframe.
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Switch out the word same for seen and supported.
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That's the goal.
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And you can do that with without feeling political or preachy, if that's what you're worried about.
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Here are a few more simple things you can say that communicate support instead of this phrase, I treat everyone the same.
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Try I care about you and I want to understand what you're experiencing.
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Or I may not get it perfectly, but I'm here and I'm willing to learn.
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The third one you can try is you don't have to carry this alone.
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The fourth one is tell me what support would actually feel helpful right now.
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And finally, the fifth one is I believe you, and it matters to me that you feel safe, seen and understood.
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The most important thing these phrases do is they don't deny difference.
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They honor who the person is.
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If you've ever frozen in a conversation and thought, I don't know what to say, I've created something to help.
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It's a simple 60 seconds response structure you can use in real moments, just like these.
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The simple way to explain it is it's three steps in these 60 seconds.
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The first step is to validate, name what matters.
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The second is to invite, open a door, be curious, don't interrogate.
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And the third is support.
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Offer support.
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One next step step.
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I'm not going to teach this in detail right now because I made it into a printable tool for you that you can keep in your phone or on your fridge or wherever you.
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You keep things like this that are helpful.
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When you upgrade this one phrase, you get a completely different relationship dynamic.
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Your kid shares more with you because they feel emotionally safe.
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You feel more confident because you're not guessing about what you should say, and you become a real ally, not just in sentiment, but an impact.
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And this is how trust gets built.
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So if you are thinking, oh my gosh, I've used that phrase I treat everyone the same dozens of times because you truly thought you were being supportive and you really want to be a safe person your LGBTQ loved one can trust.
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That's why I created the 60 second ally response kit.
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It's a simple script and example guide to help you respond in a way that actually lands as support without the awkwardness, defensiveness, or saying the wrong thing.
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If you're interested, go to the Show Notes, click on the very first link at the top, or visit Rebrand LY Heatherhester 60.
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Enter your details on that page and I'll send you the 60 second ally response kit right away.
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Today we uncovered why the phrase I treat everyone the same, even with the best intentions, can land as I don't see you.
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And we've replaced it with language that communicates what LGBTQ people need.
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Safety, visibility, and real support.
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If this episode helped you, please follow and subscribe to More Human and More Kind so you don't miss what's coming next.
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And if you know a parent, teacher, coach, loved one who's trying but who is unsure what to say, share this episode with them.
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Until next time, keep it human, keep it kind, and keep showing up.
