Wrath, Anger, and the Power of Patience

Hey now, all. This is the Spirit Doctor, Kelle Sparta, and you are listening to Spirit Sherpa, the show that helps and encourages you on your journey to unlock your magic mojo. Today, I'm joined once again by perfectly G from TikTok, Grant Merrill. Hello. Thanks for having me again. Hey.

See, the funny part about this is we literally just wrapped two minutes ago the last episode, and we're going straight into the next one, and we're doing the seven deadly sins and virtues again. And we've just finished talking about sex for the last 40 minutes. So now we're gonna go into wrath and patience.

Yes. Oh. But, you know- We'll put those hands together, uh, you know- Hey ... yeah Why not?

So yeah, I'm, I'm still in my little sexy center here. So let's see. What, what are we... Wrath. Let's talk about wrath because oh my gosh. When I was doing my exercises, I did a coaching program to get me to do my book, right? Because everybody's been asking me for a book forever, right? And when I was doing my exercises for that, they said, "Okay, well tell your story, your before and after story," and then I was just like bullet points of how I felt when I, before I started this journey.

And one of the bullet points was I would blow up on people and just rip them to within an inch of their lives, and then feel horrible about it later, right? And to my credit, I would give them many warnings. I was like, "You know, you don't wanna go down this path. This is an unwise path. This is a bad idea," blah, blah, blah.

But it, you know... And I did this once with somebody on the phone, and I just kept telling her, "Don't, don't, just, just leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone." A friend of mine said, "Why didn't you just hang up?" And I was like, "I'm from the South. Hanging up is, like, the worst insult you could possibly give someone."

And she's like, "You, you shredded her. You made it the worst-" To which you said, "Hold my beer." Yeah. Hold my beer. And I was like, "Hanging up wasn't an option. That's all I can say."

Yes, yes. You know? Like, I don't understand why it wasn't, but it wasn't. And so, so what happens, and this happens a lot, right? And, uh, you know, a lot of my clients deal with this, almost everybody, and really what the, the... I call it the rage monster, right? The rage monster inside of you, and it's like it sits right underneath the surface, and it just wants to go rawr and, like, kill everybody.

And the problem is is that when it's active, it prevents us from giving us, ourselves access to our own power because we are ethical people, and we feel bad about the damage that we do, and therefore, we won't give ourselves more power 'cause that would only do more damage. You know, the, the rage monster is wrath.

It's what we're talking about, right? Except, well, it is and it isn't, right? Because the rage monster is there because we are empty and angry that we have been the bottom of our own priority list for so long. And when that hits its bottom point, it recoils back up again, and bang, you're out into the, the rage.

My interpretation of wrath as I think of it from a spiritual perspective is more of a holding on to resentment and building it up into a righteous indignation, a righteous anger that... I always tell people, "If you're righteous, then you are in your victim," because you can't be righteous and not be in your victim space.

Um, if you are absolutely convinced that you are right and everyone else is wrong, and you must, you know, do, do to them and, and make them see the light, you are in your victim. So Um, but I, I feel like wrath comes up and becomes this obsession, again, that second chakra obsession attachment thing, right? But it's mixed with the power center of I'm going to make you feel what I have felt, because there's some sense that you're gonna make the other person feel bad about what they've done to you, right?

Or perhaps what they haven't done to you, uh, make them feel how bad you feel perhaps. You know, it's externalizing w- the internal pain and hurt, uh, whether that be, uh, cast to the appropriate person or not. Absolutely. And I think we get caught up in that a lot when we're early on in our spiritual path because there's this...

There's so much pain, right? And there's, th- you know, typically the pain has gone unnoticed throughout childhood, and unacknowledged. And so there's this need, this deep-seated need to have your pain acknowledged, and we always go to the person who we feel caused the pain and say, "You must acknowledge my pain."

And that is the l- path of least joy, that it is highly unlikely. It is only in about 2% of cases that you will ever get the other person to understand that they have hurt your, have hurt you, and that they, they did damage. And, and when I say 2%, that's generous, okay? I think I've, I've known maybe three people in my entire life who ever managed to get their perpetrator to see that they had done damage.

So, you know, this, I, I... When I say to you this is a path of no joy, I mean it. And so, you know, what I have found from my experience, and you can, uh, you know, chime in, is, um, what we really crave is not someone else's acknowledgement of our pain, but our own acknowledgement of our pain, because we spend our lives going, "I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm f- no, I'm fine. I'm fine. Nope, it's fine. You didn't... No, you can't hurt me. Nothing you say or do can hurt me. I'm fine." And internally, we do the same thing. We don't acknowledge our own pain, and that is the ultimate denial of self, right? And so that is the... That's both good news and bad news.

It's bad news because we're denying ourselves, but it's good news because we have the ultimate power to change it When we look at wrath, it's really misdirected anger. It's projected anger. It's we're projecting our anger at ourselves for not acknowledging our own pain onto someone else. And sometimes it's the person who originally created the experience of the pain, but not always.

I would say with wrath, there's a, there's a, a second piece that it's not saying what needs said. It's saying to h- to hurt, to harm. It's not, it's not... Because I think anger, anger is not inherently bad. Uh, in fact, I would say anger is important to feel and, and, and to express. However, I think it, it depends on, on how we express it.

Are we expressing it to harm others? Are we expressing it to say what needs said? Uh, you know, I, I think that, um, often, e- especially, especially now, uh, maybe, I don't know that that's true. It's easy to think that our culture is more messy now than it was 50, 80, 200 years ago. But I think now there's a, there's a push that you should be able to say anything you want.

Well, you can, but is it beneficial? You know, is it beneficial? Is it going to harm someone? Um, but I think that with wrath, it, it is... There, there is a specific purpose to hurt. It's not just to express how we're feeling, but it really is to harm someone else as well. That includes self-defense. Because in those instances where I would say, "I'm warning you, I'm warning you, I'm warning you, I'm warning you," and then I would just, you know, because I'm me, I see what's going on inside of people very clearly, and I would just look at them and say, "Okay, you wanna know why you're up my ass right now?

Here's all the reasons." And I just read their beats, you know? Just be like, and just, you know, be like, "I see all of your pain," and just did that, you know? And it was just to get them to shut up and leave me alone. I'm like, if I can Shake you to the core of your being enough, maybe you will shut up and leave me alone, because I've asked you 50 times to shut up and leave me alone, and you won't.

So but even in self-defense, my goal was to hurt them. It was to hurt them just enough to get them to shut up and leave me alone. But it was to hurt them because it was... I, I didn't know any other way to make it better, right? Whereas, you know, my answer now is I've uninstalled the buttons that they were pushing so it wasn't a problem.

Now they're just a mild annoyance, and I don't have to, to do that. But there's, at the time, 20, 20-plus years ago, 22, 24 years ago, it was, it was a problem. And so, you know, these are the, the pieces, right? And so part of this is about boundary setting, part of it's about self-care, part of it's about, you know, identifying your own buttons and where, what they are and that they're being pushed, you know?

Part of it's about being willing to make a scene, you know, because, you know, that's, that's another piece of the puzzle is that sometimes people will push you and because they're, they're certain you won't make a scene by pushing back, which, uh, people have often found problematic with me. Because I'm always happy to make a scene.

I'm comfortable in the spotlight, thank you very much. Yes, thank you very much. I am happy to be on stage. Yes. And oh, by the way, ah, yes, let me say loudly, "You just grabbed my ass." You know? "Why did you do that?" Let's see who's on stage making a scene now, right? Like redirect. But all of this is to say that, that wrath is, from a spiritual perspective, the reason it's a sin, right, is that it is the attachment to hurting someone else, often with the purpose of hoping to make them feel your pain, which is inherently handing your power over to the other person and then manipulating them to try and get it back, which is both bad for them, bad for you, and not useful in your spiritual evolution, right?

Yes. Okay. So that is wrath. Patience is the virtue. Oh, patience, uh, is something I hate almost as much as wrath in general. So I, I mean, not really, but yes, uh, patience. Oh, and the only way to get patience is to practice it. That is the thing. And, and if, if nothing else, I have, I have learned that, um, being a, being a parent is difficult when it comes to, uh, practicing and developing patience.

I, um, I've been dating a wonderful guy since, uh, June, and he is far more patient with my children than I can be on most days, and it's, and it's been a beautiful thing to watch and see it exampled so that I can follow suit. Uh, you know, I, I love my children, and they know that, but boy, there are just times when I'm gonna be like, "Haven't we, haven't we mastered this yet?"

Um, patience is something... I think, I think perhaps, though, if wrath is misdirected anger at the hopes of healing ourself, then perhaps patience really should be directed towards ourselves first so that we can be able to be patient with others. I, I find myself when I am most crotchety towards the people that I love the most, it's usually because I really hate myself that day.

You know, I'm just not feeling how I am. I'm not feeling where I'm at, and then therefore, how am... You know, RuPaul, "If, if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?" A- as RuPaul would say. Uh, I think that that's, that's the truth. If you can't have patience with yourself, you can never have patience with others because, uh, uh, really how we view ourselves is, is a reflection on how we, uh, observe the world around us.

Yeah, that's actually really insightful. Um, I hadn't thought about it from that perspective, but yeah, I would, I would put it as I, I don't generally get anymore... I used to a lot, but, and these days I don't generally get down on myself per se, but I do sometimes get empty 'cause I work too hard, or I don't take enough downtime, or I'm trying to do too many things at once or, you know, whatever.

Um, and on those days, I do have less patience Um, and here's the thing about not having patience and being in relationship is that, and, and I'm, I'm talking to you out there if you're in, if you're in partnership. The tendency is when you snap, to snap at the person who loves you most because you think they love you enough that they'll put up with your bullshit, and that is not fair to them, right?

And that is one of the biggest lessons we need to learn because, you know, we feel like, oh, well, they, they love us. They need to be safe space for everything, including our anger. It's like, hmm, you can be angry in their presence. You can vent with their permission. You have to say, "Do you have bandwidth for this?

Do you have the space to hold me being upset and angry because I'm upset and angry?" You know, I had a, a day of, uh, I don't know. I, I came back from my vacation that wasn't a vacation, and, you know, the next day I was cranky as crap. Well, actually, no, it was two days later because I came back and I had two days in a row of migraines.

And so I was, I, I was emptier than when I left for my vacation, and then I had two days of migraines. And I got up on the third day and I looked at my husband and I said, "I am angry and cranky, and none of it's at you, and I'm gonna do my best to not take it out on you, but you should give me a wide berth today because I don't know how well I'm gonna do."

And he went, "Noted." And he did. And I'm like, because then I, you know, I was self-aware and I was like, "Okay, I've tried everything I know to get out of this place, and I'm not out of it." And I looked at him and I said, "You know what I need?" He said, "What?" I said, "I need you to book me a spa day because I am beyond empty, and I am la- launching, walking into a launch, and I can't do it.

And I'm... My inner child is throwing a temper tantrum, and I'm gonna be a disaster until I do something to take care of myself." And he said, "Yeah, you had a crappy vacation. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do something to, to help with that because I had a good vacation at the same time you were having a crappy one, so..."

And, uh, he set up a spa day for me, and I was fine afterwards. But I needed to recognize that that's what was going on with me and to be, to have patience with myself, right, in that scenario. I'm like, you know, I could have just added insult to injury by going, "What's your problem? You just got back from vacation.

You, you should be fine. You should be fine." Should be. Oh my God, the word should be when related to yourself is the worst things you could say to yourself. Stop shoulding on yourself, right? So, y- you know, I could have done those things, and instead I went, "Ah, I'm a cranky bitch. Ah, I'm having a bad day. Ah."

And I literally did just sit there and go, "Ah, I'm having a bad day. It sucks. I hate it." Right? And he was like, he, he whined with me because, you know, our, our inner children often play together in those ways, in, in lots of ways. But, you know, these are the moments where you, you do have to have patience with yourself.

And if you don't have patience with yourself, you're never gonna have patience with other people because you're holding yourself to impossible standards, and therefore anything you ask anybody else to do is gonna seem reasonable to you, despite the fact that it may objectively be completely unreasonable.

Um, and you're gonna be that way because you are, you treat yourself even worse, and that's, that's really valid. So the other piece of patience, I think, because, um, you know, people have often called me very patient, which is ironic. It is and it isn't. I, I, I like everything yesterday. I still do. Um, I'm learning to slow down with age, and I'm learning to recognize that not everything can happen yesterday, but it's only taken me, you know, 40 years.

But I'm getting there, right? And, uh, but one of the things that I can tell you that helps with patience, because I am very patient in other ways, right? Um, I never am demanding that somebody grow faster than they're capable of, faster than they feel comfortable with, you know? And it's because I'm not attached to their outcome.

And, uh, this goes back, we're talking a lot about becoming a light worker this year, and this goes back to the light worker thing, is that when you attach to someone else's outcome, you become an unsafe space. And so when you can detach from someone else's outcome, you can be as patient as you need to be.

I mean, a, a friend of mine has been practicing law for, oof, 25 years, and has never wanted to be a lawyer in the first place. Went to law school because an ex-husband of hers was insisting upon it, and then somehow just kept doing law because, you know, she did. And every two or three years we have a conversation about how she's gonna quit and go open her tea shop.

And, you know, this has been for 25 years, right? And, you know, I engage with it and I give her some advice on she's gonna, you know, become a, a reader or a coach or whatever, right? And we have the conversation, and we talk about how it would work and, you know, 'cause I'm her entrepreneur friend. And, and then she, you know, wraps up shop and heads back, right?

To, to doing law again, 'cause she's had her little vacation in her head. And she and I had a conversation recently, and she finally hit the point of going, "I need to live before I die." And I went, "Ah, this is the moment." And I, I, I pushed harder than I have ever pushed her because she was at the point where she was truly at a choice point instead of just taking a mental vacation, okay?

And it wasn't because I wanted her to do it, it's because she was finally ready to do it, and she is now committed that she's being done in June, and we'll see whether that holds. I have no attachment, right? It'll either hold or it won't. Um, but this is the longest it's lasted in all the 25 years, so... And it's been a week, so, you know, we'll see.

Right? By the time this comes up, comes out, I'll know the answer. But But um, this is the, the thing where we talk about patience, right? Is that everyone and everything happens in its own time, and it may not be according to our timetable, but it is according to the right timetable. And where we get in the way is when our personal sense of self, our sense of our own value, our sense of our own usefulness gets bound up in the outcome.

And, and instead what we need to be doing is saying, "This is gonna be what it's gonna be, and I am here to provide the service that I've been asked to provide, and to do it to the point where it is received." And when it stops being received, to point out, "You have stopped receiving. Is that your intention?"

And if the answer is yes, you go, "Okay, rock and roll." You, you recognize it's not gonna get you where you wanna go. Yeah. Okay. Good. You've made a choice. You're a sovereign being. I'm golden, right? But that's a lot harder to, to do than it is to say when you're first getting started, you know, when you're, when you're putting the weight of your self-worth on the outcome.

That's why you can't do that. So that's a good way to establish patience is to recognize the sovereignty of the other people in your life, right? Because one of our safety mechanisms is controlling everyone else around us. Wouldn't the world be a better place though? He-- My father used to say, "When I'm elected God, this shit will stop."

You know?

One of my favorite sayings of his. You know, my, my least favorite was, "Life isn't fair. The sooner you realize that, the better off you'll be." Uh, that was my least favorite one. But, uh, you know, "When I'm elected God, this shit will stop," that one, that one's classic. I think this, uh, and a little bit comes back to we've had this conversation I think with perhaps every one of these, uh, uh, six that we've discussed so far.

Really wrath and patience, m- while it, while it is a reflection of our own heart, I think the danger and the sin comes in the way that we use others in this as well. If we use others as a way to heal our own wounds by the way that we treat them, then that is sin. That is, uh, sin, that is wrong. That is, uh, that is amoral as, as we were talking about in, in the last episode.

Um, the reality is, is that I think so much of this really comes back to how we use others to make ourselves better, uh, uh, feel better, th- look better, whatever that is. I think it really... The, the moral nature comes into our relationships with others, and, and wrath is no different. If we're using someone else to heal our wounds by casting them on them, uh, that is, that is the problem.

And, and I would say that the attaching your value to somebody else's outcome, uh, which limits your patience, is doing the same thing, right? Yeah. So well, that, that sounds like a wrap-up right there. Thank you. Thank you for that. That was beautifully done. All right, so, uh, I think we're gonna call that good.

So find Grant on perfectlyg@, uh, on TikTok, and, uh, you know, like, subscribe, and rate as per always. Thank you so much for your reviews. I appreciate it. It helps us get noticed. Please share this with a friend if you think they would find it interesting. And, uh, that's all we have for this week. We'll see you next week, uh, when I share another episode on energy, magic, and the spirit world.

I am Kelle Sparta here with Grant Merrill, and you have been listening to Spirit Sherpa. So long, everyone. Goodbye.

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