Episode summary introduction:

Join TC & Maddog as they enter into the complex nature of apologies. Apologies are fundamental to restoring social bonds, fostering empathy, and validating the emotional pain of the aggrieved. We delve into the intricacies of what constitutes a genuine apology, emphasizing the necessity of heartfelt acknowledgment and the importance of timing in delivering such expressions of contrition.

As we explore the various dynamics surrounding apologies, we highlight the potential pitfalls of insincerity and the profound impact that a well-considered apology can have on interpersonal relationships.

Additionally, we examine the cultural nuances that inform the propensity for Canadians to apologize frequently, contemplating the psychological underpinnings of this behavior.

Join us as we navigate the multifaceted landscape of apologies and their vital role in maintaining social harmony.

Topics discussed in this episode:

During this episode we look at the multifaceted nature of apologies, elucidating their fundamental role in the restoration of social bonds and the validation of emotional experiences. While the act of apologizing is ostensibly simple, it embodies a complex interplay of emotions and societal expectations. Our journey traverses the psychological implications of an apology, positing that a sincere apology must transcend mere words; it necessitates an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an expression of empathy, and a commitment to amend the wrongs. Through the exploration of personal anecdotes and shared experiences, we dissect the dynamics of apologies, considering both the societal pressures that compel individuals to apologize and the deeper implications of failing to do so. We also delve into the concept of timing in apologies, emphasizing that delaying an apology can dilute its significance and impact, thereby transforming what could be a heartfelt gesture into a perfunctory exercise in social etiquette.

Ultimately, our conversation serves not only to elucidate the nature of apologies but also to underscore their importance in fostering meaningful connections between individuals, thereby reinforcing the societal fabric we navigate daily.

Walkabout takeaways:

• In our discourse, we emphasize that no individual should traverse the journey of life in isolation, as companionship is crucial.
• Throughout our discussions, we delve into the multifaceted nature of apologies, exploring their significance in mending social relationships.
• We assert that a heartfelt apology necessitates genuine empathy and acknowledgment of the emotional pain inflicted upon the aggrieved party.
• Our exploration reveals that the act of apologizing serves not only to restore balance but also to validate the emotional experiences of those harmed.

Links Associated with this Episode:

https://www.google.com/search?q=the+psychology+of+an+apology&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-ca&client=safari

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/articles/200207/the-power-of-apology

Why Canadians Say 'Sorry' So Often - John Zada

More about E-Walkabout:

To learn more about Electronic Walkabout visit us at www.ewalkabout.ca.

If you want to read more “Thoughts of the Day” check out TC’s Book at Amazon:

“St. Mike's Fortunes”

A special thanks to Steven Kelly, our technical advisor, who keeps trying to teach these old dogs new tricks when it comes to sounds and recording!!

“Remember to take advantage of the moment before the moment takes advantage of you!”

Electronic Walkabout. No one should have to walk through life alone. We share the good times, the bad times, and the best times.

Everyone needs a little direction now and again. And TC and Maddog are here to show you the way. A podcast where we talk about the important things in life. Come journey with us.

The Electronic Walkabout Mad Dog. We're about to begin another episode of Electronic Walkabout. And on this trek, we look into something that could be both simple and difficult.

An apology.

Sorry.

At its core, it centers on restoring social bonds, fostering empathy, and validating the victim's emotional pain. But in reality, can have a number of different dynamics that fails to hit this mark.

This is going to be interesting one.

Join us. And it's too late, because I said I was going to say no apologies. But you already. We already apologize. No apologies needed.

As we explored a different path an apology may take and the reasons for that. But first, as always, a thought for the day. Knowing when to say. Your story has a best before date. When it passes, it leaves only one thing. Regret.

Interesting. I've never looked at apologies in that light, so this is going to be a good one.

Well, it's.

It's the thing about an apology, and I don't have a question on this, but do you think about when you first were told to apologize for doing something when you were a kid and had no idea why you were saying you're sorry?

Yeah, parents understand the politeness of it, but kids are like, okay, I'll. I'll say it if you tell me to. But yeah, to your point, no reference.

Yeah, we'll just call it modeling at that point. And then at one point, it kind of resonates with you what the importance is of an apology.

Something happens and you literally wait six months to apologize for it. It kind of, I'll just say loses. Loses its wind. It really does.

I would say. So it's just more of a. Oh, I didn't say that. So I'm going to say it now.

But you know, what if it was really meant and you, you know, probably should have reached out a lot earlier.

That's. That's what I'm thinking. And, and the only. The only thing I'll kind of add is a bit of a caveat.

Even though it's six months down the road, let's say it is a heartfelt apology, and we'll talk about that in a second, what that means that the doors open a little bit to travel down and maybe kind of recreate that social bond that was there. To start with.

And I think that falls into the better late than never category.

So, yeah, let's just leave it at that. For sure. So in your mind, what is a heart felt apology or a sincere apology?

I think it comes from a place of empathy where if you're, you know, something tragic has happened or somebody's suffered something that has affected them greatly, that I think it provides a little bit of assurance to the person that, you know, people care and that they're willing to listen and that sort of stuff. So it usually comes out in a. I think it starts as an apology. Oh, sorry. I'm really sorry to hear that.

And then that might cause them to open up or maybe it's just a. You know what? Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. So, Dan, never thought of anything could come ill of a. Of an apology.

Okay, well, we're, we're going to talk about that too, because there is a possibility. But I, I'm, I'm, I'm thinking just by hearing your response, you're really in the ballpark of where we need to go.

And, and the heartfelt or sincere apology begins with, okay, accept the facts of the situation without excuses. So accept the fact you've done something wrong that may warrant an apology to start with.

This is kind of where you kind of send it around, acknowledge the impact and show empathy for the hurt caused. And that's. That's fairly important. Directly offer a Cesare apology directly. Not six months down the road, but directly offer.

And that could be a hard thing to do. It really should be.

Yeah. You're opening yourself up by doing that.

Yeah. Because no one likes to admit they made mistakes.

Nope.

Because it just makes them look bad. Maybe they're embarrassed.

Whatever it is, it just highlights the fact that you've done something wrong.

Oh, for sure. But. But, you know, I don't know how many times if we even talked about the fact how important it is to own your own mistakes.

It builds on your integrity as far as I'm concerned.

And, you know, to your point, you have to be able to face these things and, you know, take the responsibility if you have, you know, either wronged somebody or a situation. So that's the best start to help to rectify it is, you know, to own it and apologize, like you said.

Okay, now to tie this up in a bow. What's more important? And it's not just with an apology, it's. If it's most things, there has to be some action that follows it.

You can't just say, I'm sorry. And then continue in that same type of behavior, that hurtful behavior, because there is no action to correct it. No.

And it's not an all absolving statement. You know, if you punch somebody's kid in the face, you're like, oh, sorry, that doesn't fix the issue.

But yeah, it should be at least a starting point.

So you know what I was, what I was thinking about that. I don't know how many times you would have experiences when we were coaching those young kids and it would be, sorry, coach, sorry, coach.

And they get out and do the same thing again. And finally I said, I don't want to hear sorry anymore.

Please just, just fix it.

Just fix it. Yeah, it's a big same thing. On a higher level. Of course.

I wonder if it's the same with US Youth football as it is with Canadian youth football, given the hardwired, you know, sorry, apology type kind of culture we have.

Absolutely.

And thank you, Mad Dog, for kind of bringing that up because we're going to get into maybe some of the reasons why we Canadians think it's so important to apologize at the drop of a dime. I'll say. So why is a heartfelt apology so important?

And this is going to be from a psychological perspective, but I just always love to get your take on these things. Bad dog. So why is it so important that that heartfelt apology take place in your mind?

I think that's part of the human connection. Right. Like if it's just words that are like, ah, sorry about that, you know, it really doesn't mean anything.

But if it's, if it's heartfelt, if you own it, I think that your, your care comes through, even if you might have wronged somebody or a situation that it, if you are, you know, owning it, putting a lot of emotion to it and really understanding or accepting the impact that you had, I think that goes a long way to the, the other person that is trying to receive it.

And I, I'm pretty sure you always look at my show notes before the. I swear I don't, I should say my plan. The show notes are to come, but they'll. This will be in the show notes as well.

But validation and empathy hit the nail on the head with that for sure. Restoration of moral balance. So it's, it's the right thing to do.

I mean, nine times out of 10, if you've done something wrong and, and, and I don't mean apologizing for the sake of apologizing because we're going to talk about that as well. The reduction of negative emotions and the rebuilding of trust.

I have a quick question that's kind of off topic.

Oh yeah, that's okay.

From a policing standpoint, if somebody gets in an accident and gets out says oh, sorry, does that make them liable? Are they the ones at fault there?

Well, I, I would think that, that that's an admission of guilt to some.

Degree because I remember I was drilled in, don't ever apologize if you get into an accident. My dad used to tell me, I don't know.

I don't know how well that works with Canadians though, when they, they're hardwired to say I'm sorry.

If they're both apologizing, okay, then it's a wash.

So not being Canadian, but why is it so difficult to apologize?

I've, I've personally have never.

I think it's some of the stuff that you've covered previously is that there's some, you're, you're owning something wrong that you, or you know, having to admit guilt or something along those lines. And you know, some. Sure, some people take that as a weakness or you know, it's not alpha of them to apologize.

I don't know how people kind of perceive that.

Tell me more about that. Not alpha. I think I understand what you're saying.

With, yeah, I think a lot of guys with, I mean it could be women as well.

I'm just, you know, generalizing with, with men is that, you know, sometimes they're too proud or you know, have too much of an ego to, to say, oh, sorry. Because then, oh, they're not perfect.

They haven't done something wrong and you know, they might just let it go and not address it at all if that doesn't, if it's not something that they're interested in doing.

So oh, perfect, perfect.

So just to build on that perceived threat, the self image admitting fault can diminish a person's self esteem or challenge their view of themselves as honest or capable.

Yeah.

And I think most people would look at it the opposite way that you know, if somebody did apologize or own their actions, that's more mature than just, you know, manning up. Oh, no, I didn't do that. It didn't really hurt that much or whatever the case may be.

But you know, I think it's a positive, you know, thing for a person to do is to own their actions.

And starting off with apology is good and there might be other things that need to be righted, but you know, at least there's that empathy like you said to the situation.

Absolutely, absolutely. Power dynamics. Apologizing feels like giving up power and it puts one's reputation in, in the hands of the victim.

Yeah, I think we can. Yes and no.

That like, I think it's taking control by apologizing and meaning it because then you're the one that has, you know, obviously something that's come out of your mouth that possibly or an action that needs to be rectified. But for you to do that, that's empowering in itself to say, oh, you know what, I really apologize. I did not mean that to happen.

That shows to me more of somebody's character than somebody that's not willing to apologize.

I agree totally with you. When I read that and I listen to what you're.

I almost get the feeling that if someone's kind of mindset, there might be kind of a low self esteem thing going on as well.

Yeah. And that would just add to their mountain of worries, if you will.

Yes, yes.

Fear of vulnerability and admitting to a mistake requires vulnerability, which is difficult for many, particularly those with higher narcissism or entitlements.

Agreed. 100%.

I don't think we need to talk much more about that. I think that's pretty well self explanatory.

Yes, I agree.

So this gets back to what, what I was kind of mentioning before. But when is an apology insincere or not?

Art felt, you know, like I think it, it's the same thing as, you know, shooting a text versus something in person. You know, text is just words on, you know, sorry, whatever.

But when you have that human connection and if you're standing in front of somebody and you apologize with sincerity, that can be felt like that, that, that the person can really see and, and just by your, you know, emotion or just overall movements and whatnot and just looking to somebody's eyes as they're, they're saying that I think it, you know, it is extremely impactful versus to your point, it's just a casual, I'll start, you know, with just saying the words without having any meaning behind them.

It almost is like a check the box exercise. So I offered an apology. So it's all good.

Yeah, but you were running away and you weren't even looking at me, you were just shouting forward. It's like, you know, let's, let's take that all into consideration.

What, what are the other situations?

And I'm sure it happens many, many, many times in the, I'll say, business world where you're looking at a situation where someone's made a complaint and part of the resolution is they want an.

Apology first and foremost. They want to be hurt. That's. They want, they want them. Yeah. They want you to know that they're angry and that they're put off whether,.

Whether, let's say whether their complaint is founded or not, but let's say it's not. And they're saying that in order to move, move along, let's. I want an apology from that person.

And if I'm, I'm the one that the apology's directed at and truly I haven't done anything that would warrant an apology.

Yeah, no, it's, I think it's just standard practice where it's, you have to own it first. Especially from a customer service standpoint.

If you're talking in, in business where you know, if somebody's got a, an objection or an issue, you need to own it immediately so that they know that they're heard and that it's like, oh, okay, they're, they're actually listening to me. And then you can address the problem whether it's found it or not. You know, I'm sorry you had this experience.

It's not necessarily apologizing for an incident that might be founded as, as, as valid, but at least it's like, you know, you can start off with, I'm, I'm sorry that this has happened and let's, let's look into it and then you can try and resolve it from that standpoint. But people just want to be heard and acknowledged in that.

Okay. I think that's, that's important to hear that.

So it's almost like you're putting your best foot forward in order to listen to what that person's complaint is and, and start to move towards some kind of resolution.

And I've seen the opposite in business where people will not apologize if somebody's too stubborn or strong headed. It's like, well, you know, that's not something we do. It's like, what, you didn't hear anything I said? You're not accepting, you know, my reality.

So, yeah, that can backfire. Real.

Okay, so let's go back to empathy for just a second because we mentioned it a couple of times. Why is empathy such an important component to a heartfelt apology?

Yeah, because it takes the lip service out of it. It's, it's.

And again, when it's a human interaction that, you know, when, when you're offering that genuine heartfelt apology in person and you know, you would like to think that that person realized the genuineness, the nature of that it's coming across that has that impact and you know, let somebody know that you've heard them and that you're, you're kind of understanding what they're going through and then, you know, offering assistance from there.

Okay, perfect. And now let's go to the fork of the road. Let's, let's pick on Canadians right now. Why do we apologize so much?

I don't know, like where, you know, where that came from. I don't know whether it's started off as a generational thing where parents were wired to do it, so then just by way of, of, of growing up with them.

That was just part of the standard verbiage that Canadians used. But I don't think that we walk around feeling sorry for everything that we do. I don't think that's where it comes from.

I think it's more of a, you know, what if there's conflict? We're a fairly pe whole nation that it's like, oh, yep, sorry, didn't mean to there. So what's your.

Okay, I'm good. I'm going to get into it because I've kind of, I've done a little bit of research on this, but I'm going to start off by asking this question.

Someone's apologized, basically a Canadian for no reason at all. I, I simply respond by saying, why are you apologizing? And right away, what do you think the response is?

Yeah, they're, they're probably a little bit dumbfounded because it's just that automatic delivery and maybe not realizing what they're apologizing.

So the funny thing about it, on more than one occasion I get, oh, I'm sorry, they're apologizing for apologizing.

Oh, Canadians.

I, I have nothing else to say after that. I think I just made my point.

Okay, so, so getting back to what the research is saying, this story is kind of a tech reflecting, kind of resulting in self consciousness, self doubt and awkwardness that resides in us. So what. Basically the research is saying that Canadians don't have self confidence.

So in order to boister that they, they say oh, I'm sorry when they have their business. No business saying I'm sorry at all.

That's an interesting way to look at that. Yeah, I never thought of that.

We are more pros predisposed to say the story also because of our existence is so ordered, linear, controlled and rational.

Linear, controlled and rational. Interesting.

I don't know if I initially buy into that, but this next one, I kind of. Kind of makes sense to me because it's kind of a cultural thing.

Canadians enjoy the luxury of physical space, which makes us extremely susceptible to saying sorry when getting too close to someone.

That's very interesting.

Doesn't that make sense, though?

Yeah, yeah. I've got all this land and, oh, I'm in your personal bubble. I'm sorry.

Yes.

Interesting.

The relative affluence, comfort, and safety of Canadian life translates into an exceptionally low tolerance for adversity and inconvenience. Sorry becomes a diplomatic tool.

Yeah, yeah, we don't have a lot of strife or a lot of issues to complain about in Canada. So, yeah, I can definitely see how that's, you know, people don't want to rock the boat. Things are good.

You know, we don't have a lot to complain about, so let's just say sorry and move on.

Yeah, say sorry, move on. And like, so the next time. Next time someone makes fun of you as a. As a Canadian for saying sorry, just chuckle to yourself.

And if it's a Canadian saying their story, another Canadian, get over it. Don't do that anymore.

No need to do that with our own kind.

Well, no apologies, but that music is telling us this episode has come to an end. And Apologies has its roots in our psychological well being. It is meant to assist in restoring a wrong you have done to bring back social balance.

It must be heartfelt for it to make a difference, which includes taking some form of action not only to bring back the balance, but to clearly show your apology was sincere. Any parting thoughts on that, Maddog?

No, I think, you know, as long as you're not leaving, you know, apologies for, like you said, months at a time, there's not a lot of bad, I think, that comes out of apologizing if the situation is. Is accurate. But, yeah, I think it's just to keep an eye out for the potential, you know, downfalls of not. Not stepping up sooner than later.

But I don't see a lot of downside to apologizing.

Remember to take advantage of the moment before the moment takes advantage of you. To learn more about E-walkabout, please Visit us at ewalkabout.ca.