Shownotes
Some people such as 'The Rules' advise on following tactics designed to make you appear less attached and less interested.
Is this a valid strategy or does the inauthenticity affect relationships?
We discussed this topic and a wide range of other topics such as Poyamory and Monogamy.
Transcript
Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. This question has had me having nightmares like that, it just it just reminded me of a certain scenario that I was thinking, this is why I don't believe it's true, why I believe it is false because of this scenario. And then I've been having nightmares about this scenario last night. Oh, gosh.
You want to tell us what the scenario is or is that it wasn't a slip in something major just a day in a situation where it was over a long period of time, it's probably over like two years.
I kept seeing the same guy on this this thing on the website and we never really talk to each other. And then we got talking somehow. I was like a bit not sure about him, but we got talking. It was really weird and taking ages to text back and all the rest of it. Days like three days, four days, sometimes the message box. So I just fizzle out and then didn't see him speak to him again for like another year or something and completely forgot about the other time and then would kind of arrange to meet or and then he'd just go sit at the last second and then he would not actually arrange to me it was just kind of like, do you want me?
OK, then again, about a year later, I started talking again on a different website and it seemed a lot more interested this time year. Getting to know me more and all that sort of stuff seemed interested. So I was like, OK, let me go on this time and arrange to baby. So I was about to leave and everything and he just didn't respond. So I just didn't just delete him off my phone and whatever and then left it.
But I think that was kind of one of them. Treat it means keep from keen. And I think he thought that that was going to keep me hooked in and I just like, fizzle out. And then he kept liking me on the thing as well afterwards because he most of premium's you can't rely on my account and like him, I just just left it, left it physically now because I'm not playing I'm not allowed to play games. But I think that was one of them scenarios I amines CAPM key.
I was just looking for some of them, and there's a four page open that's gone, but it was this one recommends you take four hours minimum to reply to a text. You only see them once a week for the first month and only, oh, this is is this advice to be able to treat someone mean to keep them interested.
Yeah. All right.
But what do you think? Do you think that works?
I think that it's getting more and more complicated to make things work because there's so much. So much, so many fishes in the sea, I don't know how to put it, but I'm not very good at playing those games. To me, those are games. And I don't know, I did do it for a little while, but I tried to kind of date guys that. Kind of go with the same perspective as me, so we are both honest and very like it's consistent behavior.
So if a guy doesn't text me for three or four days, I just match them or whatever it is, because it should be consistent. And it's not showing me any respect, because if he's busy, I'm busy. So I'm really bad at that.
But I do believe that sometimes you do have to play a bit like you mean to keep them calm. So I did do that with a guy that I'm dating at the moment. There was consistency when we were talking, but I was not always available to meet up, so I tried to keep a little bit of a balance there, but it's really hard.
I don't really know how to explain, but I. Yeah, I do think there is a bit of a playing games. So so what did you do in terms of playing games? Uh. I am I playing games, it's just like I think when we begin to get to get interested in someone, it's really easy to just shut everything down and just focus on that and let your life you like. At the first message we get, we hear that.
And I was like, oh, my God, it's him. Let me reply.
And I was like, no, save yourself.
Just finish doing so. That's just putting yourself in check. Yes. But at the same time, if it was the old me, I wouldn't think about it. I had to go through bad experiences to kinda. OK, hold on, finish what you're doing or go and do this first and then come back and reply. So I changed my behavior if it was anybody else.
Also it was a family member or friend message. And if you're busy, you're going to put your phone down a message in Berkeley or anywhere.
You know, it really depends. I normally, quite honest, I don't always have my phone with me and at work I probably they know they probably won't reply straight away, but I tried to reply as soon as I can so I didn't change retasking.
So I'm always like, I need to focus on.
Yeah, I do, I do multitask a lot so I can do that. But and I work with my phone with me. But sometimes I really have to ignore it and just focus. I carry always carry my personal phone and my work phone with me. I have to work with my phones on all the time so I will see it. But I choose to reply or not and I don't really know. I'm really bad at playing games, but to me it has to be a bit of that.
I was more concerned about what I was doing. I think of the OK, hold on, because if I reply too quickly in my read this into OK, she's very available to get those. Those are the things that we hear a lot.
I don't think it goes very well when you when any of us move too fast. Yeah. Excited for you. I think it is better to sort of take things more of a natural pace and just I don't necessarily see it as a game. It's just it's just more of a natural pace.
Yeah, but I say this because I'm saying about it's really hard.
I find nowadays to have a proper conversation through a chat, for example, where you were in the past. It was normal, like, OK, oh, we texted me and after like five minutes I would text back and then we would have a conversation. Now it's pretty much like, OK, text today, reply. But tomorrow we will send another text. It's a it's a bit hard to keep up with that pace because you end up not having a proper conversation.
And how are you going to really develop some interest that you will go on a date or something like that? You're not available sometimes. Yes.
So that's that's I think that some women are better at that than others. And then at the same time, why is it why do I feel that? But guys don't really feel that. I don't know. Because I had guys that would reply straightaway, if I message, they would reply straightaway. I think it's a feminine or masculine thing. I think it just depends on the person. It's just some people are a bit more like, oh, yeah, we need to know what message about straight away.
So I really believe that they have to kind of like hold back and wait a bit more natural about things. And then there's some that we'll be like incessantly texting you every second. The guy is just like, whoa.
I was just wondering if if women feel that pressure more than men do. Also, no one thinks about it and is just go with the flow. Now, I think I think it's positive. I think men also get the same advice from some people. But I think I definitely like you. I think the part where it has some validity is if you're I think this is like your. Like being authentic, but then there's also like there's the core of who you are, but then there's also we live in a society with social creatures and there's this social pecking order.
And it's like we look at people in terms of like social value and the highest status is more attractive. And so there is something that. How you act, how you behave shows people like your way, where you are sort of in the pecking order and people are watching prickliest. And if you if you're willing to willing to please be willing to give up everything, then it seems that you have low social value. Yeah, but I think where it becomes false is like I'm not going to reply.
I've got you know, I'm going to set my timer for four hours. I think I think you have to have a certain level of momentum. And for me, like, if someone's a long time texting, it's just like you can't there's no, like, Spock to work off. And so I personally, I would be less interested or if I feel someone's playing a game, then I just like, completely uninterested. That's what I mean.
Like, I'm not good at playing games. I find myself. What I changed was that maybe on the beginning because I started online dating for. Two years ago, I think, and it was very on and off because I'm not very patient, I don't know how to play games. If people would text me, I would reply to them. If I was free, I was free. And I also had the unfortunate event of most of my friends went away.
So they moved back to their countries or they moved to other cities. So I had more time in my hands. And I don't think that gives me less value. I don't have less value for that is just the way things worked out.
It's not necessarily there's less value, but we're looking like an all animals day looking like if you have a dog, you have to make sure that you'll you'll see as the leader. Yeah. So. It's not that you have less value because of that, but it's that there are certain unconsciously we judge and so conscious of it, and it was my opinion consciously and unconsciously.
But I think there is.
There is a little bit of luck, if we know we can have something, then we're going to sort of strive for the next thing. And I think people are indicting all sort of striving for the best that they can get. And so there is it's not that you have less valuable. That is just that that would play some of the unconscious triggers. But I thought there is some research that they did.
There was what is researched by flies, but it is found that people who play games attract partners who play games. And so they have less. It's. The more authentic you are is the best long term dating strategy. Seller, in your situation, though, like you said, you were worried that people would think that your own life or whatever it is you said, you are busy, though. You work, you you're doing this. You do not what you choose to.
I don't know.
But then I guess it's not like we try to worry less about what they might be judging you.
But I think I came to my son and I don't think I don't think I changed into playing games. That's not what I meant. I think that I became more conscious about putting myself first and just finishing what I'm doing and then replying. So I'm not counting the time to reply. And I'm not doing that. I'm dating this guy for almost three months, so I'm not doing that. And I did not do that. But I was just very aware that I needed to do my things first because and this was due to past relationships where I had I think I am I give a lot.
If I'm like someone I do, I like to do nice things for them. And it's not the first time that I would do it. I say that they had me for granted and that to me was quick. Excuse me, it was quite insulting. And of course the relationship didn't carry on. So to me, it's just like I had to learn from a really bad relationship to kind of put myself first.
But it's really hard to keep a good, normal balance to it. And and to me, it was more that, like, I am still interested. I still want to have a good conversation with you, but I would do this first hour.
I am going and do that first whatever, and then I'll reply and and at the same time, I would give probably a better reply after I had done those things because I would be more focused on life and things ended up working.
All right. But just but I had but I had the same opportunity where someone was always texting, always very keen. And in the end of the day, they were playing games anyway. It's really hard to read into people, I could read what was going on, it took me a little while, but I did get where we were going. But it's just really difficult. But I just kind of I think it was I'm not playing games. It was just me, like kind of prioritizing me, not getting too involved too soon and just trying to save myself, if that makes sense.
I think I think there's something I think there is something that, like the old value comes across in the sense of, you know. Not exactly. Yes, I think this is a principle I have that people will give you the minimum that you'll accept. And that's like being able to set boundaries and say that I'm not going to accept anything less.
So generally speaking, though, because if somebody wants a certain standard for themselves, regardless of what other people are going to give them or not give, if they're going to still try to hold to their own standards of themselves over recent people.
Yes. Yes. So is being able to walk away from someone that doesn't fit, right? Yeah. Is going to treat you right. Like there's a level that this is what I this is what I'll accept and I won't accept anything less. And then people will generally rise to it someone. But then they were never going to be, you know, this concept of somebody...