We answer a listener's question: Does age matter in a relationship? 

If you’ve ever wondered, How much of an age gap is OK?, tune in to hear:

• Age Gap Realities: We review the research, unpacking trends in happiness and commitment in age-discrepant relationships. Listen to hear science’s mixed answer to the question, Can couples with large age gaps last? 
• Beyond Years: We explore how age-gap couples relationships can thrive by focusing on shared values, speaking honestly about their goals, and planning for inevitable life stage differences.

Resources and links

For full show notes with links, visit relationshipcenter.com/podcast

Ep. 2 - What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner

What to Look for in Partner free guide

May-December paradoxes: An exploration of age-gap relationships in Western society.

Globally, women are younger than their male partners, more likely to age alone

The marital satisfaction of differently aged couples

A Review of the Factors Associated with Marital Satisfaction

‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration

Got a burning dating or relationship question for us? Call 415-573-0164 to leave us a voicemail! Alternatively, you can record an audio note on your phone and text it to that number, or email us at podcast@relationshipcenter.com. We may answer your question on an upcoming episode of the pod!

From the Relationship Center, I'm psychotherapist, couples counselor, and

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dating coach Jessica Engle, and this is I

Love You Too, a show about how to create

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and sustain meaningful relationships.

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Josh: I'm dating and relationship

coach Josh Van Vliet.

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On today's episode, we're going to

be answering a listener question

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in a little mini Love Note

episode all about age and dating.

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We're so happy you're here and please

remember that this show is not a

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substitute for a relationship with a

licensed mental health professional.

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Hello, hello, dear listener.

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We're coming at you today with a little

love note, which is a little mini episode.

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In today's episode, we're going to

be answering a listener submitted

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question about our episode on what

to look for in a long term partner

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and how to be thinking about age.

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So we'll play that question in

just a moment and get into it.

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Jessica: Yes.

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Before we get started, if you love our

show, dear listener, will you please

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share an episode with a friend or two?

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By doing so, you help us reach

more sweet humans like you.

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So thank you in advance.

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Okay, let's hear this question.

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Listener: Hey folks,

thank you for the podcast.

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I've been listening to the episode on

what to look for in a long term partner,

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and I'm wondering where age or age

difference falls under the traits of a

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long term relationship success or not.

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Thank you.

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Jessica: Okay, great.

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Thank you so much for this question.

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We love listener questions.

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Josh: Yeah.

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Thanks so much for submitting it.

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Jessica: Yeah.

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So I'm taking from this question

that you're asking whether age

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differences between long term

partners impacts the quality or

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the viability of the relationship.

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So these are sometimes referred to,

these relationships are referred

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to by scientists as age discrepant

relationships or in pop culture they're

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sometimes called May December romances.

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Okay.

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Now, in the What to Look For in

a Long Term Partner episode, we go

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over a lot of research about kind

of like the traits that correlate

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with long term relationship success.

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I will say that age gap

relationships are very common.

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And the research about how age gaps impact

relationships success are, it's limited

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and it also kind of offers mixed results.

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But let's go over all of it.

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So apparently, according to a 2011 study

out of Purdue, in Western countries, one

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out of every 12 male female couples have

an age gap of 10 years or more, okay?

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That number increases to 25 percent

in male male couples and 15 percent

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of female female relationships, okay?

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So, for some, the gap is even larger.

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Data suggests that about 1 percent

of heterosexual couples in the U.

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S.

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have an age difference

of 28 years or more.

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Yeah.

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And then if you look at non Western

countries, places like Sub Saharan

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Africa, age gaps may be even more common.

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Okay, so this is all just to

say, like, age gap relationships

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are actually pretty common.

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You probably can think of

several in your sphere.

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Now the research, that same Purdue study

I mentioned before, indicates that age

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gap partners are often more satisfied

and committed to one another than

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partners who are more similar in age.

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Isn't that interesting?

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That said, there is, uh, another 2017

study that shows that differently aged

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partners enjoy more happiness at the start

and relationships where the partners are

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a similar age, but that, that boost at

the up top is evened out by a reportedly

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quicker decline in marital satisfaction.

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Yeah.

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For differently aged partners.

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So they may be happier up,

up top, but they may actually

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be less happy more quickly.

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We've got another Korean study

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greater the age gap, the higher

the incidence of depression.

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Josh: Interesting.

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Yeah.

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Jessica: There's some researchers

who suggest that couples with an age

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difference less than 10 years are happier

than those with a gap greater than 10

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years, possibly due to differences in

sexual functioning and expectations

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as the partners age differently.

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And the last bit of research I'll share is

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uh, That was focused on, you may have

heard of this one, the research around,

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um, how much you spend on an engagement

ring and the chances of getting divorced.

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Have you heard of this one, Josh?

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I haven't, no.

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So the more you spend on an

engagement ring, the higher your

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chances of getting divorced.

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Wow.

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Within this same study, uh,

they also found that greater age

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differences were also correlated

with higher rates of divorce.

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And, side note, but very interesting,

reporting That one's partner's looks

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were important in the decision to

marry was significantly associated

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with higher rates of divorce.

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Mm hmm.

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Josh: That makes sense.

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Yeah.

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Jessica: Okay.

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So, what are you taking

from all that, Josh?

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Josh: Well, I really hear there's

like a mixed bag of research about...

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Relationships with a large age gap and

that there's some evidence that says

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there's less satisfaction, maybe higher

rates of divorce and some, some research

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that says maybe more satisfaction.

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Right.

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So yeah, it feels like a mixed bag there.

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I, I think part of maybe what you're

pointing to a little bit or what the

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data is pointing to a little bit is

what's the reason for the age gap, right?

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If the age gap is.

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Based on appearance, right, an older man,

for example, looking for a younger woman

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because she's attractive, that is not a

basis for long term relationship success.

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So I think there's probably a little

more nuance to tease out in any

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individual situation about like,

well, what is happening there, right?

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You may or may not be looking for

a person who's a particular age.

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That's probably not the best marker

to use to determine whether somebody

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is a good potential partner for you.

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I would more use this as deciding where

you want to set your overall, Considering,

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perhaps, if you're online dating, for

example, and you're setting an age

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filter, I wouldn't, I think I, for

me, I wouldn't peg age as one of your

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most important criteria as what you're

looking for in a long term partner.

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More important are some of the

other things we've talked about

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in the episode, like values and

you know, those kinds of pieces.

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Jessica: Absolutely.

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I agree.

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So, you know, you mentioned in one of

our online dating episodes that age

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can sometimes be something people look

at, uh, that's a proxy for something

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else, like emotional maturity.

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And it is great to look

for emotional maturity.

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There is research backing up when you

have an emotionally mature person partner,

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you're, you're gonna have probably

a much more successful relationship.

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Right.

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So shifting to looking at the age,

to looking at emotional maturity,

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and to these, those other factors

that we listed in that episode.

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Things like growth mindset,

kindness, skills to fight well.

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Okay.

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In addition, if you are exploring

a relationship with somebody where

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there is an age gap, I really want to

just recommend that you have honest

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conversations with them about your values,

your dreams, and your expectations for

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the relationship over the long run.

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So, It seems like age gap couples do

struggle the most when their differing

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life stages are most glaringly obvious.

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So for example, if one wants to retire

and the other one wants to have a child.

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So think through the various points where

your age differences Really might become

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more of an issue, okay, and talk about

how you'll handle those issues in advance.

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Maybe even write down a plan,

okay, because when you're in the

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thick of it, it's going to be hard.

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So you want to really get clear in

advance, let your current, newly in

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love selves decide how your future

selves are going to be on their

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best behavior when you, you approach

these moments in your relationship.

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Okay.

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You also want to really be honest with one

another about what you want in the future.

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Okay, so if, for example, you

do want children, say that.

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Make sure that you're on the

same page with your partner.

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Make sure, if they already have kids

and they're headed towards retirement,

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do they want to have another kid?

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Right?

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And along with that, do talk about sex.

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How are you going to manage,

uh, changing sexual capacities

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and drives as you both age?

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Josh: Perfect.

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That covers it pretty well, yeah?

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I think so.

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All right.

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Short and sweet.

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Short and sweet.

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That's all for today.

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You can find the show notes with links

to all the resources we mentioned in

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this episode at relationshipcenter.

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com slash podcast.

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Yes.

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Jessica: And dear listener, if

something in this episode touched you,

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will you please send it to a friend?

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That would mean the world to

us and allow us to connect with

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more sweet humans like you.

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Josh: Until next time, we love you too.

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Adios.

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See you later.

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Sayonara.

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Hasta luego.

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Jessica: Salutations.

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Josh: Sincerely.

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Yours truly, Josh and Jessica.