Welcome to CROWD Church! This week Matt Edmundson and co-hosts Anna Kettle and Dave Connolly discuss the topic of family from a Christian perspective. They explore the complexities of family life, including the different family structures, the challenges of marriage, and the financial issues that families can face.

Key Takeaways:

1. Intentionality in Building Family: Whether it's through biological families or extended ones, building and nurturing relationships requires intentionality. Including others in family life, such as single friends or extended community, reflects the biblical call to create inclusive, supportive environments.
2. Selflessness is Crucial in Family: In contrast to the self-centered values promoted by modern culture, healthy family dynamics require selflessness, where individuals prioritize the needs of others over their own. This reflects Christ's love and service, which strengthens marriages and family bonds.
3. Contentment and Financial Balance: Rather than constantly striving for more, practicing contentment with what you have helps reduce stress in family life. Aligning family goals with God’s provision and prioritising relationships over material gains fosters peace and harmony within the home.

If you loved this weeks discussion make sure to check out everything we do here at CROWD church, from our weekly Sunday Livestreams to our Podcast show Whats the Story.

CROWD Church | Doing Family

Crowd Church and there are a few ways that you can do just that. Firstly, you can engage with crowd from any device during our live stream and if you're up for it, why not invite a few friends over and experience the service together. You see, church is all about connecting with God and connecting with others, and one of the easiest ways for you to do that is to also join one of our mid week groups where we meet online together to catch up [00:01:00] and discover more about the amazingness of Christ.

You can also subscribe to our podcast called What's New? It's the story where we deep dive into stories of faith and courage from everyday people. More information about all of these things that I've mentioned can be found on our website at www. crowd. church or you can reach us on social media at Crowd Church.

If you're new to Crowd or new to the Christian faith and would like to know what your next steps to take are. Well, why not head over to our website, crowd. church, forward slash, next, for more details.

And now, the moment you've been waiting for is here, our online church service starts right now.

Anna Kettle: Hey.

Matt Edmundson: And yes, if you're new to, uh, if you're, uh, not new, if you're usual to Crowd, you'd be like, what? What's going on? Why is there three people around the table? What's with all these weird camera angles?

Uh, well, we're doing things a little bit differently in September. Excuse me while I adjust my microphone. Uh, yeah, we're going to do things a little bit differently in September. We are going to be doing these, what we call, panel conversations. So we've picked topics, five topics, and we are going to sit around and talk about them.

So there's no planned talk. It's just the three of us chatting away about a topic. So if you've got any thoughts about it, any questions, let Write them in the comments and we'll do our level best to try and either ignore them or answer them. I'm not quite sure which one we'll do. It depends on the quality of the question, I suppose.

In two weeks time, I think it is, not next week, but the week after.

Anna Kettle: It's very mysterious. Dun,

Matt Edmundson: dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You know what they are, though.

Anna Kettle: I know what they are, but you just left everyone wondering. Keeps everyone coming back. In another two

Matt Edmundson: weeks. Yeah, make sure, make sure you subscribe and like, uh, Crowd Church and all that sort of good stuff if you want to.

I've had, uh, a few people have emailed me asking me, Matt, what are you talking about in the live stream when you're saying some changes coming up? I'm going to email you as well. You want to know. I want to know.

No idea where it's going to go, no idea what it's going to look like, but we're going to have some fun doing it, right? And we can look at family and the Christian perspective. Whether

Anna Kettle: they have fun watching us do it is another thing. Yeah.

Matt Edmundson: It's one of those, isn't it? So, um, so yeah, should we dig into it?

Should we jump straight into it? Yeah. So, uh, let's briefly. I guess, where to start? So, uh, just introduce yourselves, for those that might not have been to Crowd before, and also, I guess, just tell us a bit about your families, right? So, who's going first? Anna.

Anna Kettle: Camera's on me, so I'll go first. Um, so, I'm Anna Kettle.

Matt Edmundson: That's good.

That's good. If you have any questions about who Anna is, just write them in the comments and we'll try and answer them. Dave.

Dave Connolly: Yeah, I'm Dave Connolly, and I'm married to Julie. We have three grown up children, and we have eight children. Five grandchildren. Wow. And I spend most of them. Okay. He wins

You can catch up

And, um, I spend much of my day to day, um, working with churches and leaders just seeing. Trying to support them.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, fantastic, fantastic. And my name, oh, wrong camera. Let me get the right camera.

Anna Kettle: There's going to be some more of that. There's going to be a lot

Matt Edmundson: more of that. I'm trying to switch the three cameras.

Uh, yeah, my name is Matt, like I said at the start. Um, I have I have three fantastic kids. I remember once doing a live stream and said that I had two kids.

Did you leave out? No, no.

Matt Edmundson: Did I say I had two or four? I think I might have said I've got four kids. What? That's even worse than missing

one. Yeah, yeah,

Matt Edmundson: yeah.

So, uh, yeah, we've got a fair bit of, um, family life between us, I suppose, haven't we? My background, uh, my parents got divorced when I was nine. So I grew up in a predominantly single parent house. Although I did see my dad every week. Um, but it was mainly my mum that brought us up. Um, but what about you, Anna?

Did you?

So he has one full sister and then he has some half siblings from their previous marriages. So yeah, his is a little more complicated family than mine.

Matt Edmundson: Right. And Davel Bain.

Dave Connolly: Yeah. Um, well I grew up with a very dysfunctional family really. Um, I'm the youngest of. Four. And, um, because we didn't grow up together, you know, and I lived with, um, other, um, extended family.

So I think they call it, um, sofa surfing now from about the age of eight.

Matt Edmundson: Right. And actually, it's probably worth saying, um, all of us have done a recording on the What's The Story podcast, if you want to check it, especially your story, because you and I did the conversation. In fact, we did, I did yours as well.

Yeah, you did.

Yeah.

Well, maybe you have Anna.

Anna Kettle: Um, I wouldn't say I've got it all sorted out. That's my husband, who's I definitely don't.

Matt Edmundson: Uh, yeah, cool. Definitely not me. Um, but I, I thought family would be a great conversation to talk about. So let's, let's do the, let's do the caveats right here at the start, because obviously there are, there are certain things that people have in mind when you start talking about family.

Anna Kettle: And I think the other thing to say about that as well is that, um, Family isn't just talking about nuclear families.

Dave Connolly: about.

Yeah. Sorry. That's a great point. It's also important as well, that when we're talking We're aware that not everybody has had a good experience of family, you know, some families have broken family members, you know, whether it's through parents, siblings, or even grandparents, etc. So, we want to be sensitive to that.

I think we're trying to reference our experience as well.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, yeah, no, that's a fair point. So, I think that the thing to say, I know family is quite an emotive topic, isn't it, for a lot of people. Everybody, I mean, as we've proven, everyone has different experiences with their parents, with their brothers and sisters, uh, with their kids.

Knowing that. So if that's you and you're watching this and your experience isn't great, then please give us some grace. Please bear with us. Hopefully we'll deal with the topic sensitively. And conversely, if you're single, that doesn't exclude you from the conversation as well. I mean, we're talking, say what you were saying earlier on, if you can remember.

Anna Kettle: Um, I mean, I was saying that, like, for me, it's really important that for people who are single, that they feel part of family, so, like, me and Andy, we both got married in our early thirties, so we had, we didn't get married young, which a lot of Christians do, um, um, so I think we both had singleness in our twenties, so I had enough experience of being single, but I knew that, that can sometimes feel a lonely place, particularly Yeah.

in church or as you get older and more people are having nuclear families and starting

to

Like yesterday I had a friend over and Yeah, I'm really conscious of that because I know what it's like to be on the other side as well. Yeah. And yeah, I just, I just think we need to be really mindful of including people who aren't in a usual family unit into our families.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, super powerful. So let's, let's talk about that then.

Um, extended family, uh, this phrase extended family, we use a lot in church. Um, what, Dave, what does extended family mean to you, do you think?

Live with us for long periods of time, and for us, we have to say something, if you want to come and live with us, that's fine, but we're not looking for a lodger, we need people who can become part of our family, and it's a bit messy, you know, and And we just wanted to be real and we wanted them to see us being real.

Mm. And to see our Christianity being worked out Yeah. In them, you know?

Matt Edmundson: Yeah. That's fair play. And for those of you watching in the states or outside of the uk, a lodger is someone that just comes and lives in your house, right? Kind of rents a room, don't they? A roommate type

thing?

Matt Edmundson: I've, 'cause we've had lodgers.

It was very much learned behavior watching you and Julie and Nick and Jan as I was sort of growing up in Frontline, which was the church that Dave pastored. So you doing that, was that intentional?

Dave Connolly: Um, I don't, it wasn't intentional on our part. Um. Because we were very aware that, you know, they were working, we have to work hard at marriage.

Yeah. You have to work hard at being a dad.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: Um, and we just had three ordinary kids, you know, with all, with the, with the blessings and the challenges they bring. But it, it was just the right thing. People needed somewhere to live.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: And we said, you can come and live with us, you know, I mean. Yeah.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, that's really important, isn't it?

This whole thing about extended family. And I think I'm not saying that having lodgers is the biblical answer to extended family, but We have found that almost to be the case, right, that if you have lodgers, you'll build in this sort of extended family. So you and Andy have made it a point, you don't, you guys don't do lodgers.

Yeah,

Anna Kettle: we've never had a lodger since we were married. Um, yeah, we've had friends stay for a few days, but nothing more than that. Um, I wouldn't be adverse to it, but like for us, we do it without them living under our roofs. I guess most of our friends. Don't need a place to stay. They have their own finance, their own,

you know,

Anna Kettle: um, place to live.

Like I know some people do it short term and different seasons around kids or whatever's going on in life. But I do, it does strike me though. It takes a certain amount of openness and honesty to do it because thinking about it just then I thought, gosh, you really do open up your marriage and your family to close scrutiny from someone else.

I'm not sure someone actually likes to live in our house every day, you know, like the arguments that go on and stuff. But it takes a certain amount of humility and honesty though, doesn't it? Yeah. That actually you're opening yourself up to kind of, yeah, somebody seeing up close what it's really like.

Dave Connolly: I don't think it's either, you know, or whether it's the lodger thing, I think it's the heart, isn't it, that we want to open up our lives and we, we, sometimes we don't think we have a lot.

I mean, um, well, it's what we have, we want to share it, you know, I'm talking about our life, I'm not talking about our things we have, you know, but we're saying we want to open up our lives for people to come in, and we're not saying come to us because we have it all together, because we know we don't, and you know what you said about marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage.

I mean, it does make you think, you know, you know, when you want to,

yeah,

Dave Connolly: sort of raw, no, no, obviously you wouldn't, but you know, I can barely contain myself, you know, it does make you think, yeah, you know,

Matt Edmundson: yeah, it does, it does. It's an interesting one, isn't it? And I think you're right, whether you have lodges or whether you don't, I think it's the intent.

And we do that every time, just, you know, that intentionality, having people around extended family. Um, and I had to leave at halftime to come do crowd because that's

how

Matt Edmundson: committed I am, just left the guys there, you know, and they're just helping themselves to, I would say they're helping themselves to the fridge, but it's quite empty.

Um, but it wasn't until I was hanging around with you and Julie, and with Nick and Jen, that I actually, and actually getting into your houses, having dinner with you, you guys inviting us in all the time. When I did that, I saw what family could actually be. And it was very different to what I'd experienced.

Does that make sense? Yeah. And just by opening our lives and opening our homes, I think it has quite a big impact on people. Yeah.

Anna Kettle: It's quite counterculture though, isn't it? Because it strikes me because I grew up in a family where my parents did that a lot. Like, I guess that's why I think it's important as well, because my parents always modelled.

Like we did have a few lodgers in my childhood, not all the time, but we also had people over for dinner a lot. We always had people around the meal. It was like, you know, even Christmas Day, there'd be all kinds of waifs and strays that they'd pick up, but you know, and it, And that was kind of what I saw modeled.

Like we'll try and connect with people and it can take months to get something in the diary, like just a date, like friends we don't see. And we're like, yeah. Oh, when are you free? We need to get families together. And it's like, Christmas, you know, like how, how can we not have a free weekend to like December and people live busy lives, don't they?

And I think that not just about living extended family, but generally it's, it's people are time poor and they're really busy and that can be a real barrier to creating family and community and kind of that connectedness.

I mean, you know, the Bible talks a lot about God the Father, it talks about we're part of his body, part of his family, we're adopted as his children. There's a lot of analogy used where When we become Christians, we become part of God's family. You know, it talks about God's kingdom, it talks about God's family.

Um, why is it such a powerful thing, do you think? Why is family such a big, massive deal? Because if I look at the stats, um, and we, we can look at them, you know, in, in, in the modern time and we can see family looks very different to what we would tra you know, the traditional family unit. Mm-Hmm. , um. It does look quite different.

So why is it such a powerful thing, do you think?

Dave Connolly: I mean, that's a massive question, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a massive question, but without, well, yeah, we're, we're here to, you know, to be spiritual, but I mean, it, it, it, for me, identifies the need of society for Jesus.

Mm.

Dave Connolly: You know, because I believe that when we receive Jesus, you know, we're not just taking up going to church and trying to do a life improvement thing.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: I believe it really does impact every area. You know, of our lives and I think, you know, we want, we have to want to allow God to come in and change us. So, I just think, you know, we need to realize that it's got a huge family. It's a God thing.

Yeah.

Yeah. But, very simply, you know, we hear about families who And I know it's very complicated. I don't want to oversimplify things, but like they haven't spoken to each other for years and years and years because they fell out over something so trivial and they're not going to get that time back. Now, I'm not saying when they fall out all the time that it's, you know, over trivial.

I'm not saying that, but we need to, as Christians, we need to understand the power of forgiveness.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: And if we want to see change in our families, we have to see forgiveness come to the forefront, I think. That's where you start to get wholeness.

Yeah. What about you?

Anna Kettle: I feel like the whole idea of family is like God's idea, isn't it?

And I, you know, God is a relational God, isn't he? He's like three in one God. So at the core of the Trinity is like family and connection. And so I think DNA that we're made in God's image and he's relational and so we need relationships.

Yeah. Yeah. I

Anna Kettle: suppose family for me. It's one of the best units for that because it's.

About, it's probably where, you know, people can have the potential to experience unconditional love, acceptance, belonging, all those kind of core human needs. When you look at,

kind

Anna Kettle: of, once someone's got literally like food and water to live, like the next level of need is emotional need, isn't it? And, and I think family is where that, that's also met.

Um, but also I felt, so I feel like I learned lots about what it is to be secure and nurtured and all that, but I also being a parent myself now, I think being a mum has taught me more about selfless. You know, unconditional love than anything else, you know,

it's

Anna Kettle: the best way to learn to be selfless and to love someone like yourself, you know, we certainly don't love the way God loves us, like, all of us are not perfect as humans, is it, but for me, it's the best imperfect human way we've got to like, learn a bit more about God's love, I think, and to live in that experience in some way, I certainly don't love my husband and my son like that.

The same way God loves us.

Mm-Hmm.

Dave Connolly: Yeah.

Anna Kettle: Um, yeah.

Dave Connolly: And it's, I think it's bringing Jesus and God into, you know, into our family unit. Mm-Hmm. No, into our, you know, relationship with our husband or our wife, you know, and, and with our kids.

They love, you know, You know, when they stay over on a Wednesday evening, they'll quite often say, Oh, tell us a story, which is like, if you're in the church world, a testimony of a way that we have experienced God and, you know, or we might tell, you know, something from scripture. And it's a way for us to use legacy, you know, with our grandkids, but it's only because we did it with our own kids and our, you know, it's really obvious that our own kids.

I've shared some of these stories with our grandkids. Yeah. So it's a great legacy thing really. Yeah. Having God in there.

We are spending each week in September. We're talking about five different topics. Today we're talking about family. Do you feel free to write your own thoughts, comments, uh, questions in the comments and we'll try and get to them. Um, But yeah, that's what we're doing this week. I'm with Anna and Dave. So a warm welcome to you.

I'm intrigued, right? So here we are talking about family. Let's say I'm curious, you're sitting down, right? Well, you've done this a lot, right? As a church pastor, you sit down, someone's thinking about getting married or thinking about starting a family. What's your advice? What do you say to them? What's the key thing you've learned?

Dave Connolly: Not to say anything too quickly.

Yeah,

Dave Connolly: but sometimes you think you know, they just need to Say what they're saying And god, you just need you know to deal with this.

Yeah, and it's not always wrong

Yeah, you

Dave Connolly: know, but I think sometimes they don't need our advice.

Yeah,

Dave Connolly: sometimes they're just coming to tell you or to share with you um, or you know And I think that's a bit of a privilege thing. Yeah. Yeah a lot of times a privilege thing You Um, but I, I would like to think we listen.

Yeah. I know that. I know that sounds like the right thing to say. But I think, yeah, well, I'll be

Matt Edmundson: slow to speak quick to listen, James said that,

Dave Connolly: yeah, I mean, it's not always that easy.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, come on, James, sort it out, make it easy.

You know,

I don't know if you've ever read this book. It's basically, you just need to read the cover of the book and you've pretty much got the book. And there was actually, there was one section in the book, the idea of the book is men are from Mars, women are from Venus, you speak very different languages, right?

And you need to figure out how each other talks. And there was this one page in the book where, uh, it was the most helpful page in the whole book. And I think it summarised it neatly. It had a table, what the woman said, And I think it summarised it neatly. It had a table, what the woman said, What the woman means, what the man hears, all three different.

And again, what a man says, what a man means, what a woman hears, all three different. Um, and so quite often, certainly early in our marriage, I'm getting faster at it. Now, Sharon would just look at me cause I just go really quiet. And she'd just look at me and she'd go, you're translating now, aren't you?

You're just trying to figure out, you know, what it is I truly mean. We'd have conversations about it. Um, so I definitely get what you mean about that.

Anna Kettle: Um,

Anna Kettle: I think similar. I feel like the main thing we've had to learn is communication.

Like not as like similar thing, really not assuming what the other person means, not thinking that the other person thinks the same way as you, because me and Andy are like quite different people, personality. And yeah, we're rarely thinking the same thing and it's like, Not reading between the lines, like you say, like actually being clear with each other.

Like I have to be very explicit with Andy about what I mean.

Yeah.

Anna Kettle: Not just assume that he gets my gist and yeah. And so you, you get better at that over time, don't you? Like understanding one another. But yeah, I think in terms of when you're thinking about getting married, I just think just take your time and like, make sure it's the right person.

And the pressure's on, right?

Dave Connolly: Yeah. And we're quite good at hiding those tricky bits, especially men. You know, I think most women don't know their husbands until they've been married to them for a couple of years. Um, but I think, you know, the whole thing about conversation with each other, I think you hopefully become more comfortable and you start to realise.

How you need to, really what you're saying, how you need to communicate for, you know, your husband or for your, or your wife to understand you, like, you know, the old illustration is, you know, for me, I mean, everybody we did in marriage prep, we would probably say, Oh, you said that to us, and we said it to everybody.

Anna Kettle: Oh, you get off lightly. I know, yeah,

Dave Connolly: I do. Andy definitely

Anna Kettle: has to do more than that.

Dave Connolly: I mean, it's close to be out, I should be doing it now. I'll see you in a minute. And, um, Sunday evening.

And, um, that's my only job. We have two bins. Well, we have three, but I'm only responsible for emptying, getting two out. And if Julie says, oh, the bin needs emptying, I'm like, no. No problem. I'll just finish watching the last five minutes of the football I'm thinking in my head. Julia said the bin needs to go out.

I know after we've been married 45 years recently and um, to each other. And um. It does clarify it. It does clarify that point. And um, our kids are all gone. And

um,

And she's like, I'm like, I was gonna do it. And she's, yeah, but I need it done now. And I understand that Julia doesn't say now. Well, I know, I know really what she's saying, and I think quite often we just need to be clearer, simpler, you know, saves a lot of heartache.

Anna Kettle: Yeah. Yeah. And that's something you're learning all the way through marriage, isn't it?

Yeah. These things that you don't stop learning. No. These lessons like, after a few years, you know, I just, I just think you're constantly working on this stuff, communication.

Yeah.

Anna Kettle: Yeah, kind of serving each other and putting the other person first, not being so selfish. They're lifelong lessons, aren't they?

They

are. Yeah, always working on it. Yeah. And

Um, you know, and we've both got busy lives and we have lots of other things going on. Actually, like Andy's really good at this, but he'll regularly say, we need a date night, like we need, we need a night in together. And like, and he'll be like, how about Friday? And we'll have to get the diaries together and like make it happen.

But, you know, I kind of think creating these times where you regularly like come together and talk and connect, um, it's just really key. Like. Yeah, and you have to be really intentional about that. You do. Like, it doesn't just happen. No. So that's been really key for us as well.

Dave Connolly: And I think that's a really, that's a real value that we need to have in our, in our marriages where we do have date nights.

Yeah.

We'll make a statement, really, that this is not worth the effort. Yeah. Um, but we, we, we very much, me and Juliet. You know, we're always ready to talk and we're quite robust, you know, so we're not sort of very gentle people, you know, but I can't have a conversation, if there's something we need to talk about, I've always said I need to sit at the table and I want to sit down and that means you don't answer your phone, you don't think about answering your phone, I need your full attention and it doesn't have to be about serious things, I just like to sit down at the table and what I'm saying is that this is important to me, And it mightn't be something that I'm bringing.

I mean, I was like still at university and they were constantly wanting our time and attention, which is lovely, you know, and even now they do. Um, You know, and they want your talents, but it is good to be able to say, okay, when mum and dad are talking, and I know it's hard to communicate that when they're, you know, much younger, you know, you want to prioritise that conversation,

you

Dave Connolly: know, you're just talking value, you know, and it's not like so, because I do it with our kids, you know, and even now, you know, I'll go around to the house, and I say, can we sit at the table, you know, and it's not, I'm being told off.

Yes. This is an important conversation we wanna have. Yeah. Yeah. You know, even if it's just saying how great you are. Yeah. You know?

Schedule it in. Certainly I'm a big fan of the big rocks principle. You know, if you put big rocks in a glass than a medium rocks and the small rocks, you can fill it up more than if you do it the other way around. And for me, date night is one of the top priorities of the week. Definitely if you don't, don't do that.

Do do date night. Yeah, absolutely. And the other thing I think I probably should say here is that as you were talking earlier on it, um, I think in Christian circles there can be a pressure to get married young.

Mm-Hmm. .

Matt Edmundson: Um, and I, I realize that what I'm about to say in some respects doesn't make a whole great deal of sense.

And he was like, I think it just, he just wasn't captivated, I think, by the whole thing. They broke up, he was heartbroken. But I just said to him, listen, your 40 year old self is thanking you right now. Because there is this pressure, I think, sometimes in Christian circles to get married in that situation.

And actually, it might be great now, but in 20 years time, there's a whole lot of pain. And you see, I think you see couples getting divorced in their 40s and their 50s, who didn't have the courage to say in their 20s, actually, we should probably not be here.

Dave Connolly: I think you'll find that there's lots of people who Are in marriages that are far from what they thought it would be.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: You know, um, marriages are gonna be filled with challenges, you know, and blessings, but.

I think quite often failures take action.

Matt Edmundson: What do you mean by that failures take action? Well,

Dave Connolly: you know, it's, it's like, you know, can I get by without, you know, raising this difficult, you know, issue. I mean, I mean like there's X number of topics that cause us the most pressure in life, like finances and, you know, et cetera.

And, um, you know, or spending what we haven't got or expectations, et cetera. And I think like in marriage prep, when we did it, we would always. You know, say to people, you know, you need to get yourself in the best place you can possibly be in. Yeah. Before you get married.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: Um But I also I think people did get married younger.

Um,

Matt Edmundson: I don't think that's a bad thing by the way I genuinely don't but yeah

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: And, um, she knew that I didn't.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: You know, I didn't know that. And I, I backslid for two years and people were saying, you know. Sorry, explain what you mean by backslid. Oh, sorry, I just turned my back on God and went off, did my own thing. And, you know, for nearly two years, And, um, and Julie was like, well, I know we'll be back.

In your heart of hearts, not that you necessarily say it, you know, to the person you're dating, unless you're thinking, I'm prepared to marry this person, you know, if she's the one, yeah, um, I think you shouldn't, and I, especially if you're going to, um, date my granddaughters, um,

we don't have a conversation, you

Dave Connolly: know, um, I think, you know, we don't want people getting messed around in here, is what I'm saying, you know, because I think there's lots of people.

Do you get it? And I know that's not always the intention.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, I get it. I love that. I think, um, for me, I think it's having the courage to end something that needs to end before it goes too far. Yes. Um, uh, in some respects was quite well, but I think quite quickly, like I knew within a few weeks whether, you know, that Sharon and I would get married.

Um, just, just to share with you as well.

Dave Connolly: And it's me. And it's you, isn't it? It's how you communicate, you know, that directly. It wasn't sort of some nothing. It's you, you know?

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, absolutely. So let's talk about then some of the pressures people are facing in family. And let's think, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm curious how you guys do, let's talk, you mentioned earlier finances.

How do you guys do finances in your, in your family? Anna, you can go first.

So we just kind of got both of our lives and sort of put the bits that need to join together together. But yeah, I mean, I, I just feel like it's easy for us in a sense because we, what we bring to the marriage is pretty much 50 50 financially and work wise. But, you know, I have various friends who that looks different for, right?

Yeah. You know, but me and Andy sort of split that fairly 50 like, if I'm working as many hours as you, we need to share who's doing dinner, we need to share who's doing the jobs, and don't get me wrong, there's different ones at Hildy, like I've never made the lawn in how many years, 11 years of marriage, um, and there's things that he's never done, so it's not, it's not like we're doing everything in hot off light, but, you know, we do kind of share it out quite evenly, but that works for us.

But I think every family looks different and I guess my view is there's no right way to do

it.

Anna Kettle: It kind of depends what your circumstances are as a family, what your kind of financial situation is and kind of like what your workload looks like. And that's quite varied, but I do think you need to be really clear on it or it can become quite messy.

Dave Connolly: Yeah. Yeah.

Matt Edmundson: What about you, Dave?

You know what we would spend.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: You know, it wasn't that, you know, you needed permission to spend, but we would talk, you know, about, you know, significant expenditure.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: Um, it's all this conversation thing, isn't it? You know, uh, you know what you're saying there, Hannah, about, um, who does what? I mean, there's a conversation, is it?

Yeah. You know,

Anna Kettle: I think it can become quite a source of stress for a lot of families though, can't it? I, you know, I'm in my forties now and we've got a lot of friends who are going through divorce at the moment, um, both Christian and not Christian. And I'm. I think some of them probably just married very young and have grown apart and like their lives have just gone in different directions.

Um, probably a couple of them shouldn't have got married, but like a lot of them, I think it's, it's more just like, that sort of smaller stuff that becomes big stuff. And it just, you know, if you don't sort, sort the little stuff, it just grows, doesn't it? And it becomes a fence. And then catch the foxes before they score the vineyard.

And you know, and I'm also working full time or, you know, part time and like quite full on jobs in some cases. And then it's like. It's that, if you're not careful, it becomes that, well, I'm doing this and you're doing that and I'm doing this, but you're only doing that

and,

Anna Kettle: you know, you really have to, like me and Andy constantly say, like, we're a team, we're on the same side and you have to remind each other of that, like, it's not like me versus you, like, how much are you doing, I'm doing this much, you've got to keep that, like you say, Dave, you've got to keep that conversation going and remind yourself, like, you're a team,

Dave Connolly: I think there's a book there for you,

Dave Connolly: because I think You know, there's these, um, you know, idiot books, which I've read a couple, and it really hasn't helped, um,

Matt Edmundson: but you know Oh, you actually mean the Idiot's Guide too?

I do, yeah, sorry, yeah. Okay, you're not just a fan Not that I I'm just

Dave Connolly: insulting enough. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not meaning how to be an idiot. I mean, people have the ability to do that. I'm sure there is a book on that, if you want to read that book. I think, you know, a real honest look book, you know, without saying, if you do A, B and C, you'll get there.

But I think Bringing out, you know, people's story. You know, when we first get married, I dunno if you, I know it's Sunday, but are we allowed to say sex ? You know, so much focuses around sex, doesn't it? You know, especially for Christians. Yeah. Especially for Christians. Yeah. You know, and, um, and that's why we need, I think marriage prep can be a real blessing, you know?

I wonder how many times that husband, I suppose, undervalued.

Because

Dave Connolly: sometimes when we say things over and over, those, I'm just raising this little issue, becomes an accusation. Yeah, you know, and it becomes really quite painful. And people grow up hoarse and we just need people, I think it's this whole extended family where, you know, when we're sharing with friends, because I think sometimes women tend to do this, I might be wrong, a bit more than men, you know, we don't say anything besides grunts or talking, not of any great meaning, I don't think, I think we, every man needs a really good friend he can talk stuff about or somebody who's a little bit older.

Anna Kettle: Do you know what, Dave? The other thing that strikes me as you're talking then, Dave, is that actually, Like, sex is often part of the reason why Christians get married very young, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And I just, you know, I understand that, but I also think it's a terrible reason to get married, if that's one of the primary drivers. Absolutely. Um, yeah, it's, but I think, you know, for me, like, I got married a bit later, and I think we have to get past, and it's not just Christians, I think it's cultural as well, it's like, it's a fear of being.

Yeah. And then as soon as she finished uni, she moved to America with him, you know, that, that was very young and, but they just knew they were right for each other. So sometimes it is right. Um, but I think it's okay to be like, I'll just wait and wait until the right person comes along and I'll rush into it because I feel like all my friends are getting married

and I'm insecure or I feel like

Anna Kettle: I'm being left behind.

Like I did have times when I felt like all my friends get married and I'm getting left behind here, but I had to trust God. I did that. The right person will come at the right time and shouldn't just like grab the first guy who like says join on a date.

Yeah.

Anna Kettle: Like just, you know, be sure that they're the right person and don't feel that cultural pressure, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if you can have that in the context of family. I mean, you used the word earlier on about selfless love. It's actually there has to be a Is crucifixion the right word? There has to be a crucifying of self in order to have that relationship with your spouse and with your kids, right? And in a culture that is constantly focusing on me rather than focusing on family.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know what you guys think. It just feels like this, we are, we are promoting selfishness. And maybe one of the secrets to a happily To a strong marriage, to a strong family is selflessness.

And, you know, I think a lot of what we learned culturally is a relationship should fulfill you and make you whole and, you know, complete you and, you know, all that stuff. I grew up in that kind of chick flick era of movies, you know, and that's like kind of what was just thrown at us. And, and it's, you know.

It's, it's not true. Like you're not going to find your core identity and your meaning and all your belonging and all your self worth in any partner. And so, yeah, I, I feel like we do need to turn it a bit on the head and be like, this is about preferring each other's needs and serving one another, you know, like, like the Bible talks about, you know, husbands should serve their wives as Christ serves the church, right?

So, you know, and marriage will go through ups and downs, won't it? There'll be times when you're, you're really connected and feel like you are really serving each other well. And there'll be times when you're quite disconnected and like, What's the point of this marriage, you know, and it's harder, but having that as a benchmark is, you know, you can't go too far wrong, I don't think.

Dave Connolly: Yeah. I think, you know, when we talk about, um, uh, it's almost like our rights.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: I have a right for this. And I think that is fundamentally an unbiblical approach.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: I think it's more about our responsibility.

Yeah.

For me, I think, God, you know my heart.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: Um, I might be falling short in this, but, but you, you know, my heart is to honor Yeah. And, and, and to do this. And, um, I think that is something of, of, of God, you know, God's grace in, in relationship.

Mm.

Dave Connolly: But I think a bit more focused on, you know, what's my responsibility in this situation?

Yeah. Mm. Rather than what is my right. It changes and it reshapes things.

I often get asked, you know, because I go on a lot of podcasts, they say to me, what's your definition of success? I'm always like to succeed at home first, right? Because, um, I see a lot of successful business people with very broken marriages, right? And there's, there's reasons for that, which all start off very noble.

The guy, you know, they start to have a family, the guy, they need to owe more money. The guy goes and gets the better job, which usually means working longer hours. The average hours worked by a CEO, did you know this, is 70 hours a week? Do you know what the average hours worked by an Uber driver is every week?

Um, and they can't commute because they need to be home close to the kids and they need that flexibility. So those jobs become increasingly harder and harder. There are these financial pressures and it, and we see this in this promotion of this lifestyle and you kind of think, I just, I love the biblical response to this, which is let's do family, whether it's, um, natural birth family, whether it's extended family, let's just love each other, leave the money to God.

And I'm not being crass when I say this, but do you mean let's see God as our provider. Let's see him as our source. Let's understand what contentment is all about. Prefer one another. I don't know, that seems to work. Yeah.

Anna Kettle: That's really interesting that you say that because it's, it's that idea of, um, you know, it's good to work and like, you know, earn a living and, you know, we all work hard, don't we?

But I feel like early on, we decided we don't need a bigger house.

Yeah.

Anna Kettle: We don't need like a better lifestyle, that constant lifestyle improvement that then you have to work harder to get. It's like, actually, it's contentment is really key, I think. Because, you know, I don't want to belittle because people who don't have enough, And I understand contentment, you know, it's a hard thing, it's like, yeah, but we have enough.

And we've chosen that's not going to work for our family and for our marriage. And what is it worth the cost? Um. So, yeah, I think sometimes it's about making countercultural decisions, isn't it, to be content with what you have, and I'm not saying that people that, you know, are really short and struggling should be content with that, but I think we also, as a church, have a role to play in helping those people to have enough, um, but yeah, I think the vast majority of us do have enough, if we're honest, um,

Dave Connolly: It's how we measure enough, isn't it?

Yeah,

Anna Kettle: yeah, exactly. It's how we measure. Or live in the richest, I know.

Matt Edmundson: The richest time ever in one of the richest nations. Yeah, exactly. We're all in the top, what is it, we're all in the one, top 1 percent of, yeah, it's just crazy when you think about it.

Dave Connolly: I, I, I think, you know, I mean, I think Church has a part to play, absolutely right, Hannah, I think, you know.

Anna Kettle: improvement, is it? Not on any kind of level. The way we understand it culturally, anyway.

Yeah. What God has Given us, you know, and where God has placed us and, um, I just think, you know, sometimes our, especially in church, I think that there are times I feel like, you know, our families, we can be busy doing so much with church, you know, our families are, as I've always, I've always said, that's my priority, I think I would have to say, if I'm honest, I'm not sure if that's always worked out that way, um, maybe sometimes for all the right reasons, sometimes for all the wrong reasons, um, I don't know.

Finance is really tough. They might have ill health in their family, whatever it is. And all those things as we get older, you know, growing your family can be challenging. But I tell you, you know, as, as, you know, we have all aging parents, as me and you are both. We've gone through that, you know, both our parents are.

But, you know, that brings different challenges, you know, and I think, but in all these things, there can be a contentment. Yeah. And, um, but it's no less a challenge.

Yeah.

Dave Connolly: And I think, and all the things we've talked about, you know, this evening, I think there's something about drawing closer to God and drawing in on God.

And asking, asking God, you know, what, how do we do this?

Yeah.

I don't mean like the horoscopes, you know, my blessing for today. I just mean, you know, some proper, you know, some proper story,

you

Dave Connolly: know, just seeing that God has made provision for our lives.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah. Yeah, no, super powerful. And I think it's a good place to end because I'm aware of time. But yeah, I think when it comes to family, I remember, and I'll end it with this story.

If I'm honest with you, if I, I think one of the biggest calls on men is to be fathers, isn't it really, even outside of their own biological kids, because I think there's such a need for it. Maybe that's a topic for another live stream.

Yeah.

Matt Edmundson: Um, but yeah, study it out, read the Bible, find out what it's got to say, because it is life changing stuff.

And I think with contentment, it's, it's not anti ambition. I don't think the Bible was anti ambitious. I think it's being ambitious. Yeah. Ian, I want to, we're going to get into this when we're looking Philippians, uh, in October, but this whole live a life worthy of the gospel, I need to be ambitious about that.

I didn't even notice the comments. I'm really sorry. Uh, greetings and God bless you, Pastor Alexander. Hi, Anya. Uh, hi, Matt, uh, in the comments. Thanks for your comments. Um, have we missed any questions? Notice everyone's sending their greetings, which is cool. Um, so hello. Sorry. On the ball. It's just because they're around the corner and I can't see them because Anna's camera here is in the way.

That's okay. That's fine. Uh, we'll fix that for next week. Um, but yeah, if you want to find out more information about the church, uh, if you want to get in touch with us, you can find out more information on the website, crowd. church or on social media at crowd church. You can reach us through there. If you've got anything you'd like us to pray about, family, any of that sort of stuff, we would love to pray for you and chat with you about that.

Come join us, I think is probably what I'm saying. You can tell I'm professional. So you think. So that's it from us. Again, like I say, if anything that has come up tonight, If you've got questions on or there's something there that you would like prayer for or anything, then please do reach out to us. We would love to hear from you.

Um, but in closing, Dave, anything else from you, brother?

Dave Connolly: Go on the journey with

Matt Edmundson: God. Okay. It's as profound as that. Anna.

Anna Kettle: No, I think just if something stirred up on what we've been talking about tonight, get in touch with us. We'd love to chat to you more.

Matt Edmundson: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for joining us. Uh, we will see you next week.

Now, by smashing the like button on YouTube or writing a review on your podcast platform, it helps us reach more people with the message that Jesus really does help us live a more meaningful and purposeful life. So, if you haven't done so already, be sure to check out our website, www. crowd. church, where you can learn more about us as a church, more about the Christian faith, and also how to connect into our church community.