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You know that moment after you've had a baby, when you're sitting next to your partner on the couch and it hits you that you feel alone, like more alone.

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Then you did when you were actually alone.

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That happened to me after I had my first baby Ian, and I remember thinking, what in the actual is happening?

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This is supposed to be like, we're super close, happiest time of our life.

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We just had this baby.

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So if you're watching this or listening to this, you probably know that feeling too.

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And I want you to know something right now.

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Your relationship isn't doomed.

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And what I'm about to tell you today is going to help you see this in a whole new way because here's what a lot of people don't know and what nobody tells you.

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The reason your partner feels like a stranger has nothing to do with how much you love them or if they're a good person or not.

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It's literally biology.

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Timing, and it's something I've seen with literally thousands of couples, and once you understand what's really happening and have a plan on how to handle it, you can actually do something about it.

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Hey there.

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So I am Trish, if you are new here.

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I am a 16 year labor and delivery nurse.

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Some of you guys may know me on all social media as labor nurse mama, but I also wanna say that I am a mom of seven.

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One is adopted, so I have walked through postpartum.

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Experience myself six times and also with 15,000 women online.

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And I, I really wanna come from a place where you know that I've been there with you, but I've also been on the caring side of this.

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And I'm gonna share some things with you guys today that some of my students have shared with me and also what I lived through.

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Because when I, well, first of all, y'all know I had a terrible relationship with my ex.

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He was abusive, and that's a whole nother story.

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But we had our moments, right?

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But after our babies, I really felt like I was with a roommate.

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Like it felt like a roommate, not a teammate.

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So today we're gonna talk about what's really happening in your relationship after your baby.

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Why it might feel weird and disconnected.

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And we're gonna talk about the three things you should understand to get through this without losing each other.

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'cause that is the goal.

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Stick around because at the end I'm gonna share a conversation that one of my students shared with me that changed everything for her and her husband.

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And that conversation brought them back to each other.

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Okay, so here's what everyone gets wrong about your postpartum relationships.

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Everyone focus on the lack of sleep and the stress and the adjusting to parenthood, which yes, those are real.

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That's real, but that's not what makes you and your partner feel like strangers.

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The real reason is this, you and your partner are living in completely different realities right now.

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It reminds me of that book, like Men Are for Mars.

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Women are from Venus, right?

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You are in like a literally different world.

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So let me explain what I mean.

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When you have a baby, your brain goes through this massive biological shift.

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Your hormones, which I'm gonna go into further here in a second, are doing things that can make you hyper-focused on this tiny human, and this is like what you're built for, like you're supposed to, back in the day we were out in the wild.

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We have to be hyper-focused on them to keep them alive.

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That is, that's the whole thing.

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Everything is to keep them alive.

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You can hear them breathing from three rooms away.

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You know what every cry means, and your whole nervous system is wired to keep this baby alive and let's.

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Talk about the hormonal drop for just a second because it's wild during pregnancy.

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Your estrogen, your progesterone levels are like 50 times higher than normal, 50 times, and your body is basically running on this hormone cocktail that's keeping you pregnant and preparing you for birth.

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Then you have the baby.

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Within 24 stinking hours, those hormones drop to almost nothing like you're jumping off a hormone cliff.

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It's one of the most dramatic hormonal shifts that a human body ever goes through.

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Guess what?

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You're the prize.

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You get that.

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You're the winner for that.

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So not only are you trying to keep your tiny little baby boo alive, but your body is literally going through withdrawal from the hormones it's been running on.

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For nine months.

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Think of PMS on crack.

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Your brain is foggy.

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Your emotions are like all over the place and you feel like you're losing your stinking mind.

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Your partner, however, their brain, their hormones, didn't get the update.

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They love the baby.

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Of course they do, but they're not getting the same.

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Biological signals that you are, that you are wired and connected to this baby in a way that they're just not, they love their baby, but they can't hear what you hear.

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They don't feel that same urgency that you feel when the baby cries.

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And this can create this like resentful and visible gap between you.

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And what it can look like in real life is you are holding the baby and your partner asks if you want them to take the baby so you can shower.

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And instead of feeling grateful, you're annoyed.

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Because in your head you're thinking, do you not see that I just got this baby asleep and now you wanna move them and you wake 'em up and they're back at square one?

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They have no idea that's going on because they're not in the same reality as you are.

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Or your partner tries to help with the baby, but they do it wrong.

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Not actually wrong, but it's different from how you would do it.

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And girl, you know how to do it right?

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And this makes you crazy because you're thinking, why can't they just know how to do this?

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I know how to do this.

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I've never had a baby before.

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But here's the thing, they don't because your brain is wired differently.

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And here's the part that can make it even harder.

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Your partner is dealing with their own version of this new reality.

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They're watching you.

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Be completely consumed by the baby and they're feeling left out.

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Maybe they're trying to help, but they feel like nothing they do seems right.

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I did this interview with an expert one time, and she talked about accepting imperfect help.

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Their help is going to be imperfect.

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Everybody is.

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No one's gonna do it like you.

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They're also exhausted.

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They feel like they can't say anything because you are the one who did all the work.

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You gave birth, you built the baby.

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So you're both feeling alone in different ways, but at the exact same time, in the same house and sometimes in the same room.

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And that's why you feel like you're strangers, you're, you're literally experiencing different realities right now.

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And maybe nobody warned you that this would happen.

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So here's what you need to know to get through this.

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We're gonna talk about three things.

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Thing number one, this is a temporary gap, but if you allow resentment to build, it will not be temporary.

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So this biological gap that I'm talking about, it's real, but it doesn't last forever.

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Your hormones will regulate, your nervous system will calm down, and your partner will start to understand your baby's cues.

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They'll learn them a little slower than you.

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But here's the catch, do not let the resentment build.

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I want you to work on it constantly letting it go, breathing through it, because resentment sticks around and it can change everything.

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So every time you roll your eyes, when your partner does it weird or wrong, every time you snap at them for not reading your mind, every time that you push them away, when they're trying to help, that can add up for both of you.

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And six months from now when the fog lifts a little.

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You're gonna look at each other and realize like you've built a wall between you, not because you stopped loving each other, but because you just didn't know how to navigate this new reality.

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So the goal right now isn't to close the gap.

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To fix the gap.

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The goal is not to make it worse.

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And we're gonna talk about how So thing number two.

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Now this is a big one, okay?

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I want you to hear me.

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Hear me.

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Your partner cannot read your mind and you cannot read theirs.

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And I know that sounds obvious, but in a relationship, like I do this to Steve Ware all the time, like I think he should read my mind, but he can't.

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So.

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I remember when Ian was like four weeks old, and I'm sitting on the couch crying, like not pretty, like Instagram crying, but like ugly, snotty, crying.

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And my husband comes in and he says, what is wrong?

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Did something happen?

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And I literally lost it on him.

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I was like, what do you mean what's wrong?

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What?

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What do you think?

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I haven't slept in four days.

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My body hurts.

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The baby won't stop crying.

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I'm bleeding.

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I have hemorrhoids, and you're asking me what's wrong?

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he just.

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Stood there looking so confused because in his head he thought everything was great.

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He thought I was handling it because I hadn't shared with him otherwise.

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And you know, you have to realize they have no idea what's happening inside your head unless you communicate it.

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So I really want you guys to start doing that.

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Start.

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Speaking out loud, your experience, even like narrate it even if it feels stupid, right?

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I am feeling really alone right now.

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I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.

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I need five minutes alone in the bathroom before I lose my mind.

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The baby's about to sleep, so I need you to not make any darn stinking noises for the next 10 minutes, and it may feel awkward as you get practice.

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Like what This sharing muscle.

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But it needs to be done because they can't read your mind and they can't help you if they don't know what you need.

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And you can't support them if you don't know what they're feeling.

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So you have to talk even when it's hard, even when you're tired, even when it feels like they should stink and know it.

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They don't trust me, they don't.

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So thing number two, you're both doing your best and your best.

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Looks different right now.

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This is the one that really saved my students like relationship honestly.

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She was about six weeks postpartum.

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Her husband and her got into a huge fight.

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I'm not really sure.

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Let me think.

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What was it about?

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It was like dishes or laundry.

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But in the middle of the fight, he says something to her that.

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Really opened her eyes and this is how we ended up having this conversation on our postpartum hangout with the members.

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He said, I dunno what you want from me.

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Like I'm doing my best and nothing I do is good enough.

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And that really slammed her in the gut because she realized he was right.

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She had been focused on everything he was doing wrong, everything.

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He wasn't doing that, she wasn't focusing on what he was doing.

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And she wasn't like giving him some praise.

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Like, you gotta give people praise.

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When they're doing things, like if they're not doing anything that's different, but look for what they are doing.

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He was working full time, he was doing the night feedings that she couldn't do, and he was taking care of her and the other children while she was taking care of the baby, and she had been like treating him in a way that made him feel like he was failing.

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So.

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Realizing like she was able to step back and realize they're both doing their best.

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It just looked different for each of them.

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So for her, her best was keeping the baby alive and trying not to have a meltdown, trying to spend some time with her other children and his best.

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Looked like trying to hold the rest of the life together.

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While she was focusing on the baby, and neither one of them, this is the truth, neither one of them were doing it perfectly, but they were both trying.

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And once she was able to shift what she saw, she could see that he was trying.

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So if you take nothing else from this take this.

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Look for the good, look for what they're doing and understand that they're doing their best.

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This is new.

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You guys are on a new path.

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So even when it doesn't look like what you need, even when they do it wrong, even when they do that silly like putting a diaper on backwards, they're trying, and you are doing your best too.

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You're probably not doing it perfect either.

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So.

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You are trying.

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They're trying.

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And for right now, let that be enough.

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So let me tell you about a conversation that another one of my members had that really changed everything for her.

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She was, I think, eight to 10 weeks postpartum, I believe.

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And.

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They were at a place where they were literally like passerbys.

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They were barely talking, they were surviving, passing the baby back and forth, communicating in like one word answers.

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And she said it, I, I'm trying to remember this correctly, but one night she gets the baby down and she looks at her husband and she says, I miss you.

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And he looked at her like she was crazy.

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Like, I'm right here.

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I've been here.

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She said, I know, but I miss us.

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And that's when they both actually cried.

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She told him how alone she felt even though he was right there.

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She told him that she felt like she was drowning.

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Like she felt like she was failing and she just really didn't know how to ask for help 'cause she didn't know what she needed and she felt like they were never gonna feel like them again.

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And so he then told her how helpless he felt like.

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He felt like every time he tried to help her, she would push him away and he felt like nothing he did was right.

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And they cried and they hugged and they reconnected.

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And what happened after that is they sat down and made like a check-in agreement, right?

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They agreed that for the next few months they were gonna be a team.

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Not a couple.

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They weren't gonna worry about all the romantic stuff, all the mushy gushy, but they were gonna be a team and they were gonna focus on surviving.

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And they were gonna choose to assume the best about each other, even when it looked wrong.

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Right?

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And they also agreed, and this is what I want you guys to do.

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Is to have a weekly check-in, no matter how tired they were.

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No excuses, no excuses.

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They decided they were gonna check in because they mattered to each other.

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They weren't checking in about the baby.

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They weren't checking in about the house, about work, but about them and how they were feeling and what they needed.

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And you know, did that fix everything?

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Did they still have some arguments and problems?

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Yes.

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But it gave them a path forward.

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So here's what I want you to hear.

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You can have a conversation like that as well and have it before babies is is born.

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Agree on check-ins.

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You can tell your partner, you miss them.

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You can admit, this is harder than I ever dreamed.

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Like this is freaking hard.

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you can ask for what you need, even if you're not sure what that is.

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Like take baby steps, girl.

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Because the alternative is allowing that resentment to build and resentment and sarcasm and anger will kill your relationship.

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And just like.

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Pull that distance and grow it, grow it, grow it until you have a really hard time finding yourselves.

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So here's what I want you to do in the gap.

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We're gonna go over it.

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Number one, have the conversation.

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Talk about what that looks like.

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I want you to start with this.

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I need to tell you how I'm really doing and don't fluff it, right?

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Tell 'em the truth.

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Tell 'em what you're struggling with.

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Tell 'em what you're feeling.

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Tell 'em you feel alone.

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Tell 'em you miss them.

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And then say, how are you really doing?

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And listen, don't interrupt.

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Really listen, don't defend yourself.

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Don't explain, just hear what they're saying and validate it, and this won't fix everything, but it's gonna open a door.

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Then I want you to do what my student did, create a team agreement, right?

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Here's what I want you to do.

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Sit down with your partner and make a list of what teamwork looks like For each of you and for your family right now.

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Like for one person, it might be okay during this time you're on duty with the baby while the other person gets to sleep, shower, go for a walk, go to Target, whatever.

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Check in every week.

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Like pick a time when you're gonna check in on how you're both feeling.

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You know, if one of you is at your limit, say it and don't judge each other and be allowed to say, Hey, I need a break right now.

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Without an explanation.

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You don't have to like explain.

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Always assume the best, even when things go wrong.

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Now, if you have an X, like I had, you may not be able to do this, but I'm assuming you're in a good relationship.

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Your list will look different.

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If you're not in a good relationship, send me a DM and let's chat.

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But having a list and writing it down means you're always on the same stage.

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Step three, schedule regular check-ins.

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And I know that sounds so corporate of me, but trust me.

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Schedule it because life gets busy when you're taking care of a little newborn.

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Once a week, sit down and ask a couple questions.

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What went well this week?

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What was hard this week?

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What do you need from me?

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This week?

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Takes five minutes, but it keeps you connected when everything else feels chaotic.

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Then I really want you to next step, step four, find some small ways to reconnect.

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You may not have time for a date night.

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You may not wanna have a date night, I know.

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But you can find some small moments, like hold hands when you're watching tv, hug each other.

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Stop in the kitchen when you're passing, and hug each other, text each other, something funny.

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Say thank you.

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You know, when your partner does something, even if it's really small.

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You're like, well, they should be doing that.

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Say thank you.

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Anyway, those tiny moments will add up and they'll remind you that you're in this together, like you guys are in this together.

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The hard truth people.

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Here's the hard truth.

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Here's what nobody wants to say out loud, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

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Your relationship will never go back to what it was before you had kids.

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And I don't mean that like in a sad way.

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I mean that this is a good thing.

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Like you are new, the baby's new, you're different people now you've been through something.

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So life altering.

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You've probably seen each other at your worst.

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You've had to learn a completely new way of being together, and that is not a bad thing.

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It's just different.

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So the goal is not to get back to who you were.

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The goal is to become who you are.

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Now together, find your new normal, and that can take time and longer than you think.

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Remember those hormones, the body healing, the boobs leaking, the booty hurting.

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It can take longer than you want, but here's what I can tell you from the other side of it.

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You will feel like yourself again, your new self.

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You will reconnect and feel like a couple again, not the same way you did before, but in a new way, especially if you're being intentional, you'll find yourselves in a deeper way and just give each other grace while you're figuring that out.

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Okay, mama.

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So if you're sitting there right now feeling like your partner's a stranger, I want you to hear this.

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You are not alone.

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We're here for you.

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This is so normal and it can be temporary if you handle it right.

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You're gonna get through it, but you have to do some work.

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You have to make some choices.

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You have to have the hard conversations.

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You have to continue to choose one another even when it's hard, especially when it's hard.

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And if you need help with that, don't forget, we have Calm Mama Society, which includes our postpartum support.

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We have a postpartum doula.

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We have me, I'll be your, you know, labor nurse.

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Slash postpartum expert, and we meet together a couple times a month on Zoom.

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We have expert workshops and we have all the resources right there in an app.

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If this video helps you feel less alone, do me a favor and share it with someone else who needs.

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You can go to labor nurse mama.com/cms CMS, so labor nurse mama.com/cms.

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It'll be in the show notes.

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And if this video helped you, if you're like, oh my God, I needed to hear this.

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Do me a favor and share it with someone else who needs to hear it.

Trish: 00:19:32

Make sure you hit subscribe.

Trish: 00:19:34

If you're watching the video on YouTube, if you're listening on Spotify, wherever you're at, hit subscribe.

Trish: 00:19:40

It means.

Trish: 00:19:41

So much to me.

Trish: 00:19:42

I work so hard to to show up for you guys and when you hit subscribe, when you leave reviews and comments, it really just touches my heart and I so appreciate it.

Trish: 00:19:52

We have free resources in the show notes wherever you're at in your journey.

Trish: 00:19:57

Because we know that each and every one of you need to know you're not alone, and we want to empower you so that you know how to handle each and every twist and turn.

Trish: 00:20:08

Okay?

Trish: 00:20:08

You guys, as always, I'll see you again next week.

Trish: 00:20:11

Bye for now.