Family is one of the most influential things in our lives, no matter what your feelings towards them are. Heather shares her personal story of her relationship with her sister, the loss of relationship during a time of crisis with Connor’s coming out, and coming to terms with the tragedy of an illness that stopped them from becoming close once again.
“Changes, growth, tragedy, celebration, sadness, and joy. They can all happen at once. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum.”
Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen, the podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child. My name is Heather Hester and I am so grateful you are here. I want you to take a deep breath. And know that for the time we are together, you are in the safety of the just breathe nets. Whether today's show is an amazing guest, or me sharing stories, resources, strategies or lessons I've learned along our journey, I want you to feel like we're just hanging out at a coffee shop having a cozy chat. Most of all, I want you to remember that wherever you are on this journey, right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone.
sterWelcome to Just Breathe::
Welcome back, my friends, and welcome if you are listening for the first time, I am both happy and honored to be part of your day. Today I am circling all the way back to the beginning of our story almost six years ago to the day. And I'm going to share another layer of the chaos that I've been pretty quiet about up until now. Changes growth, tragedy, celebration, sadness, joy, can all happen at once. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. And that is why I want to share this part of our story with you. Other than brief appearances here and there. I've rarely talked about any of our family members on Steve side or on mine, other than the six of us, other than myself and Steve and Connor and Isabel and Grace and Rowan. And there are many many reasons for that. But today, I am going to talk about my sister. Karen is five years younger than me. And we are different in almost every possible way. Our looks, our temperament, our interests, our loves of people, places and things. As the oldest and the youngest in the family, we adhered pretty strictly to those roles. Well into middle adulthood. Corinne lit up every room she walked into, she loved to travel. She loved her work, and she loved her friends. And even though our life paths were quite different, she loved me, Steve and her little nieces and nephews. She was my ally, and I hers and our family dynamics. As the youngest, she saw the truth and reality of things. Way before I did. Her coping mechanisms were to cut people off and keep people at a distance keep moving forward. Whereas mine were those of the peacemaker and creating mental narratives that allowed me to remain in the system. She was not warm and fuzzy. And she used her sharp tongue and intelligence as a weapon when she felt wronged. She was guarded and let very few people in. But oh my goodness, she had the best laugh. She had a silly quirky sense of humor, and she could debate anyone for days. She has stayed with me for weeks, sometimes months throughout our adulthood. She spent holidays and birthdays and regular days hanging out with my growing little family. She even insisted on being in the delivery room for Grace his birth, which in hindsight was probably not the best idea given that it ended an emergency C section. We've had knockdown drag out screaming matches as most sisters do. And we've had moments of silent acknowledgement of pain.
sterWelcome to Just Breathe::
When Connor came out as gay to Steven me in February of 2017 I did not tell Corinne. Her sharp tongue had Been teetering the line of cruelty and days, weeks, really months preceding that. And she'd become increasingly unpredictable in the way she would respond. And so I had set a pretty strong boundary with her. As you know, from hearing our story, my focus, our focus became 150% on the ever changing and scary dynamics of Connors coming out, as well as the energy needed to support Isabel and grace and rollin. I had nothing left for anyone else. And something inside of me, kept me from sharing any of this with Corinne. When I finally shared what had been going on, her response was cold and quite confusing, actually. And so the boundary became stronger. We talked less and less, and even when we did there were often long moments of silence. A few months before Connor was set to return him from the therapeutic boarding school in the spring of 2018, it became clear that something was very, very wrong with Corrine strange behavior during a well check snowballed into Steve and me driving into the city to pick her up from her apartment that rivaled hoarders the TV show, which then rolled into a hospital stay, a battery of tests and confirmation that was going on. What was going on with her had nothing to do with substance use or abuse. But something far more concerning. Something was going on with her brain. I will never forget the look on her face that night that I brought her to my house. I could just see something was off as she answered every question I asked with a singular Yes. And with an expression that was mixed with relief, and trust, and fear. She knew that she was safe with me and in our home. Since Steve and I were preparing to bring Connor home, though, having her live with us was not an option. So my parents, our parents came up and moved her out of her apartment and took her back to Ohio with them. 10 months later, at the age of 42. My sister was diagnosed with FTD Frontotemporal dementia. Over the past four years we have watched as she has slowly lost her ability to speak and then to smile, or make any facial expressions. And now completely unable to move or do anything on her own. The Karen we all knew is gone.
sterWelcome to Just Breathe::
My mom has cared for her through it all. And I have incredible compassion for the sadness, the anger, the grief that she feels on a daily basis, as well as the physical strength Corrine's care requires. I miss my sister. Her relationship was a perfect example of and she was difficult and self involved. And she was loyal and had a good heart. And we were there for one another. I am sad that she has missed her nieces and nephews growing up. She would have been so proud of each one of them. I have carefully considered over time, how I would share this little snippet of Corinne with you. It is very personal and extremely painful. But I decided to do so today because it is life like I said at the beginning changes, growth, tragedy, celebration, sadness and joy. They can all happen at once. Simultaneously. intertwined. Life doesn't happen in a vacuum. If you have multiple crises or difficulties going on, I know it can feel so big so incredibly overwhelming, so never ending. And I want you to remember when you were in those spaces that you are not alone. Remember that you are strong and brave and loving. That you will make it through. Be kind to yourself, you are human. And be kind to others and remember their humaneness as well.
sterWelcome to Just Breathe::
Thank you for being here today for listening to my short episode with a very big message. Remember, you can always find additional resources on my website. And please share just breathe with others. Until next time
