Artwork for podcast The Voice of Dog
“There is Something I Must Do” by Caesar (read by Radium)
2nd October 2026 • The Voice of Dog • Rob MacWolf and guests
00:00:00 00:21:09

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Shownotes

...there is something I must do there is something I must do there is something I must do there is something I must do there is something I must...

Welcome back, to The Ghost of Dog on the Voice of Dog.

Tonight's story is “There is Something I Must Do” by Caesar, who just needs the dreams to stop. Oh god, why won’t they stop. You can find more of his stories on his blog.

Read by Radium, your Dear Deer Friend.

thevoice.dog | Apple podcasts | Spotify | Google Podcasts

If you have a story you think would be a good fit, you can check out the requirements, fill out the submission template and get in touch with us.

https://thevoice.dog/episode/there-is-something-i-must-do-by-caesar

Transcripts

Speaker:


Welcome

Speaker:

back,

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

Ghost

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

Dog

Speaker:

on

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the

Speaker:

Voice

Speaker:

of

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Dog.

Speaker:

This

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

Rob

Speaker:

MacWolf,

Speaker:

your

Speaker:

fellow

Speaker:

traveler,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

all

Speaker:

this

Speaker:

month

Speaker:

we

Speaker:

again

Speaker:

have for

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

a

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collection

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of

Speaker:

horror,

Speaker:

ghost,

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or

Speaker:

otherwise

Speaker:

spooky

Speaker:

works

Speaker:

from

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the

Speaker:

writers

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of

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the

Speaker:

community.

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Tonight's story

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is “There

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is

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Something

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I

Speaker:

Must

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Do”

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by

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Caesar,

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who

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just

Speaker:

needs

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

dreams

Speaker:

to

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stop.

Speaker:

Oh

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god,

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why

Speaker:

won’t

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

stop.

Speaker:

You

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

find

Speaker:

more

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of

Speaker:

his

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stories

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on

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his

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blog.

Read

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by

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Radium,

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your

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Dear

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Deer Friend.

The place

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is nowhere

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in

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particular.

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The time is

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too

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late.

Speaker:

We

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all

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know

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a

Speaker:

place

Speaker:

like

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it, because we have all been to one, they are to

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be

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found everywhere.

Speaker:

They

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are

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the

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haven

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

doubt

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and

Speaker:

distraction,

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they

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serve

Speaker:

amnesia,

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

accept

Speaker:

cash,

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credit,

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and

Speaker:

confusion.

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It

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could

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be

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argued

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society

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needs places

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such

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as this,

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for the lost

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and

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bewildered

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to

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linger,

Speaker:

trying

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to

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remember

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why

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

came.

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The

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place is

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anywhere

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

care

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to

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imagine,

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the time is

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too

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late,

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and

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the

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special tonight is:



“There

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is Something I Must

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Do”

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by

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Caesar

I

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have

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a

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plane

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to

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catch.

Speaker:

But

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before

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I

Speaker:

go,

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there

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is something I must

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do.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

swirl

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

drink

Speaker:

around

Speaker:

and

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around

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

countertop.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

smell

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

Kentucky

Speaker:

rye

Speaker:

lifts

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

it,

Speaker:

peppery spice

Speaker:

snapping

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

long muzzle

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

soothed

Speaker:

by

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

undertones

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of

Speaker:

white

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oak.

Speaker:

It’s

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

drink

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

usually

Speaker:

share

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with

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someone,

Speaker:

but

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I

Speaker:

think

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that

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tonight,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

am

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alone.

I

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

this

Speaker:

bar

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

think.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

walls

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

veneered

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

thin

Speaker:

plywood,

Speaker:

deeply

Speaker:

darkened

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

mahogany

Speaker:

gel

Speaker:

stain

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

give

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

appearance

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

finer.

Speaker:

Its

Speaker:

dark

Speaker:

surface

Speaker:

consumes

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

weak

Speaker:

light

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

suffuses

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

room.

Speaker:

Red

Speaker:

lamps

Speaker:

hide

Speaker:

behind

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latticed

Speaker:

wood

Speaker:

panels

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carved

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in

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

style

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of

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confession

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booth

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windows

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mounted

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atop

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the

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bar.

Speaker:

Rows

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of

Speaker:

half

Speaker:

empty

Speaker:

bottles

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

up

Speaker:

lit

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

soft

Speaker:

white

Speaker:

glow;

Speaker:

an

Speaker:

altar

Speaker:

where,

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

small

Speaker:

fee,

Speaker:

one

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

wash

Speaker:

away

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

sins

Speaker:

of the night. Portishead’s “Roads” plays from

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the

Speaker:

jukebox.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

machine

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is

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broken,

Speaker:

returning to

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the

Speaker:

start

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of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

track

Speaker:

at

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the

Speaker:

end

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of the second chorus, reliving the climax

Speaker:

again

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

again.

Yes,

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I’ve

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been

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to

Speaker:

this

Speaker:

bar

Speaker:

before.

Speaker:

But

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I

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thought

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it

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was

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in

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a

Speaker:

different

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town,

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a

Speaker:

different

Speaker:

place.

Speaker:

No

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matter,

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I

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

all

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

time

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

need

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to

Speaker:

get

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

airport.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

just

Speaker:

need

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to

Speaker:

get

Speaker:

this

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one

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thing

Speaker:

done.

Speaker:

Plenty

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

time

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

enjoy

Speaker:

this

Speaker:

drink.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

lift

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the

Speaker:

tumbler

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to

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

lips

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

let

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

whiskey

Speaker:

slide

Speaker:

down

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my

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tongue.

Speaker:

In

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first

Speaker:

flush,

Speaker:

there’s

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the

Speaker:

chemical

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kick

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of

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the

Speaker:

ethanol,

Speaker:

and

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the

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hot

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spice

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of

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the

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rye

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grain.

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The

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heat

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of

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my

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body

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warms

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the

Speaker:

whiskey,

Speaker:

mellowing

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it.

Speaker:

From

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

spice

Speaker:

emerges

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a

Speaker:

warm

Speaker:

caramel,

Speaker:

sweet and

Speaker:

delicate.

Speaker:

In

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

surface

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

blushing

Speaker:

liquid,

Speaker:

I

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see

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

warp and weft

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of my

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reflection

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stretching out

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

sharp

Speaker:

lines

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

Doberman

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features.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

look

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younger

Speaker:

there,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

wonder

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

youthful

Speaker:

energy

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

once

Speaker:

felt is

Speaker:

simply

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trapped

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at

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

bottom

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of

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the

Speaker:

bottle.

I

Speaker:

think

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in

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passing

Speaker:

how

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it’s

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unusual

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for

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

bar

Speaker:

to

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be

Speaker:

this

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empty.

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In

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

corner,

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

high

Speaker:

shelf

Speaker:

behind

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booths

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

faded

Speaker:

red

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velvet,

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is

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a

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taxidermy

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red

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fox.

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It

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stands

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awkwardly,

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as

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if

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one

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leg

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is

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slightly

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longer

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than

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the

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others,

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lips

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pulled

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back

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over

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its

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teeth.

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I

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can’t

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tell

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if

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it’s

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snarling

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or

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smiling

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at

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me,

Speaker:

pushing

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

away

Speaker:

or

Speaker:

beckoning

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

closer.

Speaker:

It

Speaker:

reminds

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

knew

Speaker:

once,

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

who

Speaker:

was

Speaker:

important

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

me.

Speaker:

Someone

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

important,

Speaker:

time

Speaker:

has

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

left

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

image

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

their

Speaker:

face

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

their

Speaker:

name.

Speaker:

After

Speaker:

all,

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

name is

Speaker:

just

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

word.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

short

Speaker:

summary

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of

Speaker:

everything

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

is.

Speaker:

And

Speaker:

when

Speaker:

you

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know

Speaker:

someone

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completely,

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you

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have

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no

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need

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for

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the

Speaker:

summary.

Beside

Speaker:

me,

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a white

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ermine

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raises

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a

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martini

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glass

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from

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the

Speaker:

counter

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and

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tilts

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it

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to

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his

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lips.

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The

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liquid

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inside

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is

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clear

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but

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seems

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to

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draw

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the

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pallid

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light

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of

Speaker:

the bar

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into

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itself.

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Its queer

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luminosity

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draws

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my

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gaze

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in

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an

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effort

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to

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comprehend

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it.

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It

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seems

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to contain

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colours

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that

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were

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never

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in

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the

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light

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it

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inherited;

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cool

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pale

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blues

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and

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sunkissed

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yellows.

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A

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twist

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of

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lemon

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peel

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bumps

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against

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his

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tongue

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as

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he

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draws

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from

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the

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liquid.

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The

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glow

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of

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his

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drink

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settles

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into

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his

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white fur,

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the

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edges

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of

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his

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face

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a

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hazy

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penumbra

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against

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the

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gloom

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of

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the

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bar.

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The

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dark

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lines

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of

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his

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lashes

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split

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and

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open,

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revealing

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milky

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red

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eyes.

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They

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take

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me

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in,

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pupil

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dilating

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and

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focusing

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upon

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me.

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My

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tongue

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feels

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dry,

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constrained

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to

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the

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narrow

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width

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of

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my

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muzzle.

“Why

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have

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you

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never

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brought

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me

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here

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before

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tonight?”

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he

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asks.

I weigh

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my

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tumbler

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in

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my

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paws,

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as

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if

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imbuing

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its

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physical

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form

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with

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the

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question.

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The

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blunted

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tips

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of

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my

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claws

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glide

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across

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its

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crystal

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surface,

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finding

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no

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purchase.

“I

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don’t

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think

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I

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knew

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you

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when

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I

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used

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to

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come

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here”

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I

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reply,

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finally.

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He

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nods

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slowly

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and

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takes

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another

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delicate

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sip

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of

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his

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drink.

“Do

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you

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know

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me

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now?”

His

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eyes

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watch

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the

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lemon

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peel

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in

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the

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martini

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glass

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roll

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and

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sink

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to

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the

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bottom

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of

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the

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liquid,

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languishing there. I

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focus

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my

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eyes

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on

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him

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again; his

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delicate

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cheekbones,

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the rounded

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soft

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curves

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of

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his

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petite

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ears.

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I

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search

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in

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the

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deep

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recesses

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of

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my

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mind,

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plunging

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paws

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into

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the

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thick

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oils

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of

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my

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memory,

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but

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bringing

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nothing

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to

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the

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surface.

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For

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the

Speaker:

second

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time

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this

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evening,

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a

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name

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escapes

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me.

“No,

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I

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don’t

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think

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so.”

My

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words

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do

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not

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seem

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to

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perturb

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the

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ermine,

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who

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returns

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to

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

drink.

Speaker:

Faintly,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

there’s

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

need

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

do,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

that I

Speaker:

should

Speaker:

probably

Speaker:

get

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started

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on

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it

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soon.

Speaker:

But

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the

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ermine’s

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presence

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alone

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seems

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to pull

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my

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attention away,

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pulling

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my

Speaker:

mind

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along

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like

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water

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down

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a

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drain.

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I

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allow

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my

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eyes

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to

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wander

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along

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the

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soft

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lines

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of

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his

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face,

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along

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the

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jut

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of

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his

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neck

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from

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his

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shirt

Speaker:

collar.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

fur

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

looks

Speaker:

twisted and

Speaker:

matted,

Speaker:

which

Speaker:

seems

Speaker:

odd

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

such

Speaker:

pristine

Speaker:

delicacy.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

black

Speaker:

leather

Speaker:

bolo

Speaker:

tie

Speaker:

hangs

Speaker:

neatly

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

collar,

Speaker:

riding

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

rise

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

fall

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

chest

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

he

Speaker:

breathes.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

shirt

Speaker:

itself

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

buttoned

Speaker:

up

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

black

Speaker:

leather

Speaker:

bike

Speaker:

jacket,

Speaker:

loose

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

the shoulders

Speaker:

but cinching in at

Speaker:

the waist. The supple

Speaker:

black

Speaker:

hide

Speaker:

clings

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

form,

Speaker:

suggesting

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

an

Speaker:

equally

Speaker:

supple

Speaker:

midriff.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

familiar

Speaker:

thirst

Speaker:

creeps

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

me,

Speaker:

one

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

could not

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

satisfied

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

stiff

Speaker:

drink

Speaker:

alone.

“Perhaps I

Speaker:

could

Speaker:

get

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

now?”

He

Speaker:

smiles

Speaker:

tightly.

Speaker:

It

Speaker:

reminds

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

tying

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

bow

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

gift

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

obliged

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

give.

“I

Speaker:

think

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

deserve

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

chance

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

remember.”

He

Speaker:

turns

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

face

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

and I

Speaker:

stare

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

colourless

Speaker:

eyes,

Speaker:

blood

Speaker:

red

Speaker:

pools

Speaker:

observing

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

closely.

Speaker:

He’s

Speaker:

close

Speaker:

now,

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

close.

Speaker:

And

Speaker:

soon,

Speaker:

our

Speaker:

whiskers

Speaker:

brush

Speaker:

one

Speaker:

another’s.

Speaker:

It is

Speaker:

an

Speaker:

intimate

Speaker:

touch;

Speaker:

each

Speaker:

person

Speaker:

feels

Speaker:

different

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

your

Speaker:

whiskers.

Speaker:

Feeling

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

brush

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

mine

Speaker:

swirls

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

oils

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

memories,

Speaker:

lifting

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

sediment

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

mind

Speaker:

up

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

surface.

Speaker:

Before

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

pull

Speaker:

any

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

these

Speaker:

pieces

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

forefront,

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

lips

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

mine

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

I’m

Speaker:

tasting

Speaker:

him.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

sharp

Speaker:

tang

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

gin

Speaker:

strikes

Speaker:

first,

Speaker:

before

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

nose

Speaker:

fills

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

animalic

Speaker:

musk

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

heady

Speaker:

leather

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

jacket.

Speaker:

In

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

moment,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

him.

Speaker:

How

Speaker:

could

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

not?

Speaker:

He’s

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

love

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

life,

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

partner.

We

Speaker:

linger

Speaker:

in the kiss, lost in knowing one another

Speaker:

again.

Speaker:

Now,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

don’t

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

could

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

forgotten

Speaker:

him.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

press

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

hand

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

midriff

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

well,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

pads

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

paw

Speaker:

gripping

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

snagging

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

leather,

Speaker:

feeling

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

dull

Speaker:

glow

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

warmth

Speaker:

underneath.

Speaker:

Hot

Speaker:

breath

Speaker:

passes

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

us,

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

mixture

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

juniper and malt

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

pleases

Speaker:

me.

Speaker:

It’s

Speaker:

him,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

could

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

ever

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

been

Speaker:

him.

I

Speaker:

draw

Speaker:

back

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

him,

Speaker:

seeing

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

again

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

clarity

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

understanding

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

provide.

Speaker:

His knowing

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

half

Speaker:

lidded,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

breath

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

short,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

pink

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

tongue

Speaker:

lingering

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

lips.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

recognize

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

way

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

fur

Speaker:

creases

Speaker:

around

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

eyelids.

Speaker:

I recognize

Speaker:

the way he absently

Speaker:

rubs

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

paw

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

circles

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

bar

Speaker:

while

Speaker:

he’s

Speaker:

thinking.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

stuffed

Speaker:

fox

Speaker:

watches,

Speaker:

red

Speaker:

light

Speaker:

refracting

Speaker:

through

Speaker:

its

Speaker:

glass

Speaker:

eyes,

Speaker:

smiling

Speaker:

down

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

us.

“How

Speaker:

did

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

find

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

here?” I

Speaker:

ask.

“I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

always

Speaker:

find

Speaker:

you.”

It

Speaker:

dawns

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

would

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

unusual

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

us

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

apart.

Speaker:

But

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

he

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

always

Speaker:

find

Speaker:

me,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

suppose

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

things

Speaker:

must

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

ok.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

raise

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

finger

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

another

Speaker:

drink

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

two

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

us,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

soon

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

pair

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

full

Speaker:

glasses

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

placed

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

front

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

us,

Speaker:

one

Speaker:

crystal

Speaker:

clear,

Speaker:

another

Speaker:

deep

Speaker:

amber

Speaker:

brown.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

ease

Speaker:

again.

Speaker:

My

Speaker:

narrow

Speaker:

tail

Speaker:

swishes

Speaker:

behind

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

take

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

swig

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

fresh

Speaker:

glass.

“So,

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

been?

Speaker:

I’ve

Speaker:

missed

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

dearly.”

Something

Speaker:

flickers

Speaker:

behind

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

ermine’s

Speaker:

eyes,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

way

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

projection

Speaker:

screen

Speaker:

flickers

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

end

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

cinema

Speaker:

reel.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

was

Speaker:

expecting

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

same

Speaker:

warm

Speaker:

joy

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

that I

Speaker:

feel in

Speaker:

me,

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

it’s

Speaker:

hard

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

parse

Speaker:

what

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

see

Speaker:

instead.

Speaker:

It

Speaker:

seems

Speaker:

dim,

Speaker:

deep,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

sad. The sight

Speaker:

slows

Speaker:

my tail.

“I’m as

Speaker:

well

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

be,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

suppose.

Speaker:

How

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

you?”

There’s

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

knot

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

stomach

Speaker:

now.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

wood

Speaker:

paneling

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

walls

Speaker:

seems

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

suck

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

sound

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

well

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

light.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

jukebox

Speaker:

sounds

Speaker:

distant

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

muffled,

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

was

Speaker:

listening

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

playing

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

another

Speaker:

room. I

Speaker:

open

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

mouth

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

reply,

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

tongue

Speaker:

feels

Speaker:

like

Speaker:

it’s

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

quite

Speaker:

meant

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

there,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

wrong

Speaker:

words

Speaker:

come

Speaker:

out.

“I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

fine.

Speaker:

I’m

Speaker:

fine.”

I

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

odd

Speaker:

sensation

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

slight

Speaker:

delay

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

moving

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

lips

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

sound

Speaker:

arriving

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

ears,

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

words

Speaker:

are

Speaker:

being

Speaker:

changed

Speaker:

midway.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

ermine

Speaker:

just

Speaker:

nods,

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

shimmer

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

moisture

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

wasn’t

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

before.

“I

Speaker:

suppose

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

don’t

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

yet.”

“Remember?

Speaker:

Remember

Speaker:

what?”

But

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

course,

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

moment,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

do

Speaker:

remember.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

pounding,

Speaker:

driving

Speaker:

rain.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

smell

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

bread

Speaker:

left

Speaker:

discarded

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

table.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

body

Speaker:

cooling

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

warm

Speaker:

carpet

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

our

Speaker:

home, bent

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

limp

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

broken.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

don’t

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

how,

Speaker:

nor

Speaker:

why.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

jukebox is

Speaker:

oh

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

faint

Speaker:

now, but I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

hear

Speaker:

its whirring

Speaker:

mechanics

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

had

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

ears

Speaker:

pressed

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

it.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

high-pitch

Speaker:

mechanical

Speaker:

keening,

Speaker:

like

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

cry of

Speaker:

an

Speaker:

infant.

Speaker:

Across

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

ermine’s shoulder,

Speaker:

shadows

Speaker:

swim

Speaker:

across

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

stuffed foxes

Speaker:

face,

Speaker:

veiling

Speaker:

its

Speaker:

uncertain

Speaker:

features.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

sucking pit

Speaker:

opens

Speaker:

in my gut.

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

warmth

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

pad

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

cheek

Speaker:

wiping away

Speaker:

tears

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

heave

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

sob,

Speaker:

bent

Speaker:

double

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

lap

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

prayer.

Speaker:

Each

Speaker:

tear wracks

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

body,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

way

Speaker:

heavy

Speaker:

rain

Speaker:

pulses

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

tin

Speaker:

roof

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

rolling

Speaker:

oscillations

Speaker:

during

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

gale.

Speaker:

Each

Speaker:

convulsion

Speaker:

squeezes

Speaker:

more

Speaker:

tears

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

me

Speaker:

until

Speaker:

I’m

Speaker:

gasping

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

breath.

Speaker:

His

Speaker:

hands

Speaker:

cradle

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

cheeks,

Speaker:

soft, pink pads

Speaker:

clearing the

Speaker:

tears

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

soon

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

arrive. I

Speaker:

stay

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

until

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

no

Speaker:

more

Speaker:

tears

Speaker:

left,

Speaker:

left

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

short,

Speaker:

twitching

Speaker:

tremors.

“Isn’t

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

need

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

do?”

I

Speaker:

blink

Speaker:

through

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

tears.

Speaker:

He’s

Speaker:

right,

Speaker:

there’s

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

need

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

do

Speaker:

before

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

leave.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

don’t

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

much

Speaker:

time

Speaker:

has

Speaker:

passed,

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

need

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

get

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

done

Speaker:

soon,

Speaker:

otherwise

Speaker:

I’ll

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

late

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

airport.

Speaker:

But

Speaker:

groping

Speaker:

around

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

mind,

Speaker:

now

Speaker:

I’m

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

sure

Speaker:

what

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

is.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

look

Speaker:

up

Speaker:

at

Speaker:

him,

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

red

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

bloodshot.

“Yes.

Speaker:

But

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

can’t

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

what

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

was.”

He nods,

Speaker:

knowingly. Without

Speaker:

another

Speaker:

word,

Speaker:

he

Speaker:

takes

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

hands

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

his,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

way

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

priest

Speaker:

holds

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

hand

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

sinner

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

confession.

Speaker:

He

Speaker:

draws

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

paws

Speaker:

close

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

until

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

rest

Speaker:

upon

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

chest.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

can

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

life

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

him,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

pulse

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

heart

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

sternum,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

rise

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

fall

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

breast

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

every

Speaker:

breath.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

tips

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

claws

Speaker:

trace

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

thin

Speaker:

lines

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

pectoral

Speaker:

muscles

Speaker:

which

Speaker:

twitch

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

shift

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

touch.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

want

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

linger

Speaker:

there,

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

he

Speaker:

keeps

Speaker:

drawing

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

hands

Speaker:

up,

Speaker:

pawpads

Speaker:

sliding

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

grooves

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

collarbones.

Speaker:

I’m

Speaker:

reminded

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

well

Speaker:

they

Speaker:

fit

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

hands

Speaker:

journey

Speaker:

onwards,

Speaker:

up

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

crook

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

neck.

And

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

stop,

Speaker:

frozen.

Speaker:

My

Speaker:

fingers

Speaker:

slide

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

twisted,

Speaker:

matted

Speaker:

fur

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

welts

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

bruises

Speaker:

underneath.

Speaker:

Tears

Speaker:

threaten

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

spring

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

again.

Speaker:

How

Speaker:

could

Speaker:

someone

Speaker:

wreak

Speaker:

such

Speaker:

destruction

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

so

Speaker:

fragile?

Speaker:

My

Speaker:

long

Speaker:

muzzle

Speaker:

rises,

Speaker:

inches

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

own

Speaker:

rounded

Speaker:

one,

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

see

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

pained

Speaker:

expression

Speaker:

reflected

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

his.

“Who

Speaker:

did

Speaker:

this

Speaker:

to you?”

The

Speaker:

ermine

Speaker:

smiles

Speaker:

sadly

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

presses

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

edge

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

muzzle

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

edge

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

mine.

Speaker:

Our

Speaker:

whiskers

Speaker:

brush

Speaker:

again,

Speaker:

measuring

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

short

Speaker:

distance

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

us

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

minute

Speaker:

quivers.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

own

Speaker:

whiskers

Speaker:

sway

Speaker:

back

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

forth

Speaker:

with

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

breeze

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

breath.

Speaker:

A

Speaker:

small

Speaker:

kiss

Speaker:

lands

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

wet

Speaker:

fur

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

cheek.

“You

Speaker:

did,

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

love.”

He

Speaker:

does

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

need

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

say

Speaker:

it,

Speaker:

because

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

he

Speaker:

says

Speaker:

it,

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

know

Speaker:

that

Speaker:

I’ve

Speaker:

known

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

all

Speaker:

along.

Speaker:

My

Speaker:

fingers

Speaker:

tremble

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

them

Speaker:

slide

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

grooves

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

damaged

Speaker:

skin.

Speaker:

Each

Speaker:

finger

Speaker:

slides

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

place,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

memory

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

brutality

Speaker:

etched

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

him.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

remember

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

found

Speaker:

him,

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

I’d

Speaker:

heard

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

moans

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

honeyed

Speaker:

pleasure

Speaker:

unfurling

Speaker:

like

Speaker:

smoke

Speaker:

down

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

corridor,

Speaker:

how

Speaker:

I’d

Speaker:

opened

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

door

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

found

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

reclined

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

another

Speaker:

man.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

heat

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

rage I’d

Speaker:

felt,

Speaker:

dulled

Speaker:

now,

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

if

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

was

Speaker:

feeling

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

heat

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

an

Speaker:

incinerator

Speaker:

through

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

glass

Speaker:

screen.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

fingers

Speaker:

start to

Speaker:

squeeze.

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

gasp,

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

short

Speaker:

throb

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

neck

Speaker:

under

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

thumbs.

Speaker:

His

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

lock

Speaker:

on

Speaker:

mine

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

whisper

Speaker:

escapes

Speaker:

him.

“There’s

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

you

Speaker:

must

Speaker:

do.”

I

Speaker:

don’t

Speaker:

want

Speaker:

to,

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

again. But

Speaker:

each time I try to pull

Speaker:

away,

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

fingers

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

tighten.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

taxidermy

Speaker:

fox

Speaker:

watches

Speaker:

us

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

above,

Speaker:

snarling

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

disgust.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

ermine’s

Speaker:

paws

Speaker:

wrap

Speaker:

around

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

wrists

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

fingers

Speaker:

twitch,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

pads

Speaker:

quivering

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

short

Speaker:

fur

Speaker:

there.

Speaker:

The

Speaker:

white

Speaker:

light

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

bar

Speaker:

counter

Speaker:

occludes and

Speaker:

fades,

Speaker:

leaving

Speaker:

us

Speaker:

only

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

crimson

Speaker:

red of

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

bar-top

Speaker:

lights.

Speaker:

His fur

Speaker:

fades

Speaker:

into

Speaker:

muddy

Speaker:

brown;

Speaker:

reminiscent

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

dried

Speaker:

blood.

Speaker:

But

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

red

Speaker:

eyes

Speaker:

glow,

Speaker:

bulging

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

swelling

Speaker:

from

Speaker:

their

Speaker:

sockets

Speaker:

under my

Speaker:

force.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

feel

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

fear

Speaker:

again

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

rapid

Speaker:

pulse

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

his

Speaker:

blood

Speaker:

underneath

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

fingertips.

The

Speaker:

twitching

Speaker:

turns

Speaker:

to trembling, the trembling to desperate flailing.

Speaker:

Paws

Speaker:

beat

Speaker:

against

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

arms

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

do

Speaker:

not

Speaker:

stop,

Speaker:

for

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

must

Speaker:

do.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

must

Speaker:

do

Speaker:

it

Speaker:

because

Speaker:

allowing

Speaker:

myself

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

forget

Speaker:

would

Speaker:

be

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

blessing

Speaker:

too kind.

Speaker:

So

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

watch

Speaker:

as

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

squeeze

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

life

Speaker:

out

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

him

Speaker:

again.

Now

Speaker:

even

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

red

Speaker:

lights

Speaker:

begin

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

dim,

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

final

Speaker:

weak

Speaker:

sweeps

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

my ermines’

Speaker:

arms

Speaker:

barely

Speaker:

reaching

Speaker:

my

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eyes.

Speaker:

They

Speaker:

recede,

Speaker:

like

Speaker:

shadows

Speaker:

in

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

fog,

Speaker:

until

Speaker:

there

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

nothing

Speaker:

but

Speaker:

oily

Speaker:

blackness

Speaker:

and

Speaker:

the

Speaker:

limp

Speaker:

weight

Speaker:

of

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

body

Speaker:

between

Speaker:

my

Speaker:

fingers.

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

done

Speaker:

what

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

needed

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

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Speaker:

And

Speaker:

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Speaker:

I

Speaker:

have

Speaker:

a

Speaker:

plane

Speaker:

to

Speaker:

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Speaker:

But

Speaker:

before

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

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Speaker:

there

Speaker:

is

Speaker:

something

Speaker:

I

Speaker:

must

Speaker:

do.



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