Episode: Marginalized Melissa: Feeling Pushed Out by a New Coworker

Link: https://thehrmediators.captivate.fm/episode/episode-7

What this episode’s about:

Marginalized Melissa is feeling pushed out by a new coworker and worried that this tension could cost her a promotion. In this episode, we explore practical strategies for managing workplace conflict, setting boundaries, and protecting your career while staying professional and keeping your growth opportunities on track.

Why listen:

Learn practical strategies for addressing workplace tension, advocating for yourself, and keeping your career on track even when challenges arise.

Key takeaways

1. Feeling “pushed out” is often a signal of unmet needs, unclear expectations, and mismatched work styles - not necessarily intentional exclusion.
2. When tension escalates, preparing for focused, respectful conversations with a coworker, manager, or HR can help shift the situation from emotional reactivity to problem-solving.
3. Examining your assumptions, stress responses, and mindset can reduce anxiety and open up new options for navigating conflict without sacrificing your well-being or career goals.

Resources

• Common Ground HR, LLC - This is the website for Karen's business, a consultancy focusing on Workplace Conflict Management, Mediation, Positive Employee Relations. Featured work also includes HR Programs: Design/Build/Update/Evaluate.
• Book. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success - A top recommendation!
• Designing Your Life Workbook - goes with the book Designing Your Life
• Book: Designing Your Work Life
• Book: Designing Your Life
• Understanding Fight, Flight, Freeze, and the Feign Response | Psychology Today

Reach out for guidance: TheHRManagers@Gmail.com

Website: TheHRMediators.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thehrmediators/

About the show

Workplace conflict is inevitable, but with Karen & Kendra’s mix of HR savvy, mediation experience, psychology insights, and humor, you’ll learn to turn conflict into connection.

Credits

Music: Farben by MagnusMoone

Notes

If this helped, please follow the show and send this episode to at least one coworker. Rate & review: A quick ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ on your podcast platform of choice helps others find us.

Hosts

Karen Gleason & Kendra Beseler

© 2025 The HR Mediators

Privacy note: These are inspired by real experiences, but we change all identifying details, adjust timelines, and blend similar accounts.

Foreign. Hello and welcome to the HR Mediators Podcast where we navigate workplace conflict one coffee chat at a time.

Our goal is to help you build skills to better navigate challenging workplace conflicts with compassion, grace and ease. I'm Karen, certified HR Professional and Mediator and founder of Common Ground hr.

And I'm Kendra, also a certified HR Professional and Mediator.

Together we bring over 30 years of HR experience and 15 years of mediation practice and we have teamed up to answer your questions around workplace conflict. Grab your coffee and let's get started.

A quick note about the scope of this podcast we are certified Mediators with deep experience in HR and conflict resolution. We are not lawyers, therapists, or licensed counselors. Nothing shared here should be considered professional advice related to any of those fields.

Think of these scenarios as food for thought. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and be sure to trust your own judgment.

Thanks, Kendra. For anyone new here, we start each episode by reading a scenario inspired by real workplace experiences.

To protect privacy, we change all identifying details, adjust timelines, and blend similar accounts. Workplace conflicts often sound familiar, but any resemblance to specific people or or organizations is purely coincidental.

Today's story comes from someone we'll call Marginalized Melissa, who says, I've been in my job a long time and I feel like I should have been promoted by now. But every new boss I get tells me I still need more skills and more experience and their feedback has been vague.

I already bring a lot to the table and I'm always super busy so I don't know what more they expect. I want to retire in 15 years and I want to see a promotion happen soon if it is actually going to happen.

Recently a coworker joined from another department. She is known as a top performer and we've been asked to collaborate.

At first she was friendly, but now she barely says hello or even looks at me and rushes past my desk in the morning. She works fast and seems impatient when I need a moment to think or get some clarity on a project.

It usually seems like emailing might be easier, but when I email, she'll often respond with something very brief and doesn't really answer my question.

I I've gotten so fed up with her rudeness and her inability to even think about important things that can come up in the planning process that I've found myself not always prioritizing our joint projects. Eventually she started sending yelling style messages and even yelled at me at my desk one day.

Oh my gosh. Oh no.

We definitely avoid each other now and I get anxious When I see her name in my inbox or even think about her. We've both said we don't want to work together anymore, but our boss has said that's not a possibility. I can't deal with this.

I'm afraid one of us is going to have to leave, and I really hope it's not me. I'm comfortable in this job and I'm frankly afraid of the learning curve with starting over somewhere new.

Thank you for reaching out, Melissa.

Before we continue, we're going to play some music for all of our listeners and invite you to briefly pause the podcast and ask yourself some questions. What would you do in this situation? Where might Melissa be contributing to the conflict, even unintentionally?

What's one question you would ask each person if you were in this situation? Enjoy the music. While you give those questions a ponder.

We hope you have had a chance to reflect on how you might handle the situation. Let's start by reflecting on what we're hearing from Melissa.

Sounds like she is not having a great time at work.

No. She's in a really difficult spot, isn't she?

It's really hard to wake up on Monday mornings and go to a job that you're not looking forward to and maybe even dreading. So I have a lot of empathy for her.

For sure. She sounds stressed, but her job usually feels familiar and comfortable and so she doesn't want to leave either.

Yeah. Comfort is a great word to use there for her. I think.

She definitely seems to like things sort of steady and this is a big shakeup for her.

Yeah. Especially with that new co worker coming in.

Exactly.

Yeah. And it seems like maybe there are like two different kind of work styles and communication styles that might be playing a role here.

I think so.

That coworker sounds fast paced and it sounds like the person is very high performing and I'm not sure where Melissa fits in with that, but she doesn't seem to have a good connection with that person. They are really not just drifting apart, but they're beyond that by now.

Yeah. And it does seem like she is feeling pretty insecure in her job as a result of all that. Yeah. Has a lot of fear there. Right.

She does seem to be worried about how things are going to be going forward for her and she wants to be promoted too.

Yeah, that's a good point to bring up. Yeah.

What is that going to look like?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, do you think our listeners are ready for the short answer?

Yeah, let's do the short answer. That sounds good. All right, here is that short answer for anyone who wants to get right to the point.

But we hope you'll stay because we are going to share our thoughts and opinions from a variety of perspectives during the rest of this podcast.

First off, Melissa should consider talking to her manager or hr, but if she does that, she'll need to prepare a little bit so that she can efficiently share her concerns in that conversation. She could also reflect a bit on whether there really are some things that she might invest some time in learning.

And lastly, consider what self care she can do because it sounds like she's in a really stressful moment.

All right, Karen, thanks for sharing that short answer.

So to our listeners, we are going to dive deeper and as we do, we're going to look at this situation from several angles, including conflict resolution, human resources, and psychology.

We are bringing our wisdom from our education and experience working in Fortune 100 companies, vulnerable volunteering, and running our own business, diving into the conflict resolution perspective, which is always where we like to start. I'm feeling like there's two conflicts going on here. That's what I'm seeing.

Yes.

One between her and her boss. Because of that desire for a promotion sounds like maybe getting some not so great feedback.

And then separately, the conflict between her and her coworker.

Right.

So which one do you want to start by talking about?

Let's talk about her and her coworker.

Okay. That seems like the big one that's causing her a lot of grief.

Yes.

I think that she and the manager have some things to talk about, but I think her and the coworker, even though she probably really doesn't want to talk to that person. Yeah, that's, that's really the pain point here. I think first and foremost, yeah, I.

Would agree with a coworker. It feels like they really have different values, different things that are coming into play.

Like her coworker seems to value fast paced, which I think you mentioned in the reflection, and she seems to value that relationship. And so it sound, from what she said when she wrote in, it sounded like she really valued her coworker.

Saying good morning to her and pausing for a quick chat here and there. And that stopped. We don't know why that stopped. It could have stopped just because the coworker doesn't value those things.

And actually I have a side story if I can take a little tangent here.

Yeah, go for it.

So when I was in my early 20s, I'm a pretty direct person and I'm pretty like, get to the point. I Like, to, you know, get things going. And so my natural state is just to jump into whatever I'm trying to figure out.

And I had this friend, and I would message her, and I'd be like, okay, so when. When are we getting together? Hadn't talked to her in a few weeks. And that would be, like, how I started the conversation. And she's from Mexico.

And this is important because in Mexico, they have different culture there, where you spend the first minute talking about your families. Hello, how are you? How's your family doing? How is everything? A lot of cultures are like this, actually, and I didn't know this.

And so then one time we were chatting and she said to me, you're just kind of rude sometimes. And I was like, what? I am?

Okay.

And she was like, yeah, I just really. I don't understand why you don't start by saying hello. And. But I know you're not a rude person, so I think you're just not aware.

And I was like, oh, this could be like a cultural nuance, too, between, like, my personal culture as well as my country kind of culture, because in the US we tend to be a little bit more straight to the point.

Right.

And so it was just like a really interesting thing.

And so now whenever I'm working with somebody from another country especially, but also in general, because of the way that it can come across as kind of rude, I try to always say hello or good morning or like, if I'm texting, I say hi before I go into the thing. Try my best to remember to do that.

But it's just like a. I think it's an interesting side story that shows how the values and communication styles could be just very different between these two co workers, and that that is creating all of this underlying tension and problems in their working environment.

Right. Sometimes those subtleties in communication can actually really start something if they're not talking about their differences in communication.

Totally.

Some awareness of that. And I just want to say good job for your friend for bringing that up.

Yeah, she's so great. Shout out to Alex.

Nice.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah. These two are definitely having some difficulties.

And also it would depend on maybe where they are in the US Too, because if they're in New York City, they're going to have some different expectations probably of each other for how they interact.

Yeah.

And if they're versus if they're in the south or if they're on the west coast or Midwest.

Great point. Yeah. Culture is so varied, even within a specific country or region. Right, right. I love that point.

I like to focus on what are the behaviors of the other person and what are your own sort of needs and behaviors in situations like this. Because you just never know when people are just going to have different styles and expectations.

And you may not ever know what's driving that, but you can at least observe what's happening and reflect on it and have some thoughts about what do they need? What do I need?

Yeah, I love that.

Through that in a rational sort of.

Way is really helpful. And the world is so complex now. I mean, if you. It's hard to even ask somebody where they're from, right?

Because people move and they live in different places and maybe their country of origin is Ghana, but then they lived in Florida and you know, like, it's just so the world is complex. So you have great points there. And so, like, I might suggest that if she wanted to talk to her co worker and ask her what she needs because.

Well, actually, another quick side story, I won't take too long, but whenever I start a new job, I have a template where I always go through and I ask people, how do you like to communicate? Is it im, email, like phone call? Like, how do you prefer? How do you want me to reach out to you?

If you need something quickly, how do you want me to do it? That way? And if you need something slower.

So just setting those level, setting on expectations is really critical because different people communicate differently.

And so if they're expecting a turnaround in 12 hours, but my normal turnaround is 24 hours, then that can create some tension and frustration without even realizing it.

I think that them having that conversation about, like, asking what her coworker needs and then maybe sharing what she needs, I mean, they might be beyond that point now, but it'd be nice to try, I think.

Yeah, I think things have really spiraled down at this point. But I love that you brought that up because I've heard you talk about that before, but I don't think it was on the podcast.

But I, I remember you bringing that up and I think that's so cool, that dynamic that you are a very observant person about human nature and people's styles and what do people need and things like that. And you' a big driver, so I just thought you would put structure to it like that.

But it's so useful for really setting the tone about, okay, how are we going to work together here?

Yeah, yeah. And also it helps alleviate annoyances and frustrations. Right.

Because I imagine this other coworker that she's working with is somebody that likes to get to the point and doesn't like from what she's saying about her. Doesn't like a lot of extra relational things. And so if she can learn that and navigate, then that way she's not getting frustrated.

It's just, you know.

Yeah. And not take it personally.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's huge.

That's just the way kind of how she rolls.

Yes. It's not about you, Melissa. I mean, maybe it is, but. But in this case, like, you don't know. And so a lot of the times, like making the.

Making the assumption that it's not about you and then asking what is needed. Oh, can be so helpful.

Definitely. I would say some other things to think about here too are what is the environment and the external stressors.

So they may be in a situation where they're being asked to deliver on something that's coming up and things super busy right now.

Yeah.

Don't know if the new co worker got brought on board because it was just a backfill somebody left, somebody else needed to come in and do that part of the work, or if it was because there is an uptick in the work that's needed to be done or if they're trying to meet a deadline or something like that. So it's something worth thinking about.

When we have added stress in the workplace, more work, trying to work faster, things like that, that's when interesting behavior comes out.

I know we're never our best selves when we're stressed. It's just part life.

As she's kind of pondering about this, it would be helpful to think about, is this a this too shall pass kind of thing? Is it almost done?

And then maybe they can work on this together after the fact because there also may not be time to do a lot of, hey, let's figure out our communication styles here. But so, so important to do. And if she can think about, hey, this is almost done.

We're going to meet that deadline, you know, in two weeks or something like that. Let's work towards that and then we'll figure it out.

That's a really great point. It might be too far in their relationship to recover.

I'm a pretty optimistic person normally, but I think that there are certain situations where damage has been done and it is impossible to repair those relationships, especially if both parties aren't willing and interested.

Right.

So when we consider that if Melissa is actually in that state, I feel like her best path forward with this coworker is Just understanding how to get this project done so that potentially they don't have to work together in the future. And just like bare minimum contact. What are the next steps in this project? What do I need to do? What do you need to do? And like, let's get this done.

Because clearly neither one of them wants to work together.

Right.

So even approaching the conversation with a coworker, since her manager's already said, no, you have to finish this. Approaching it with like, okay, yeah, I know you don't like me. I don't really like you either.

I mean, it doesn't have to be that direct, obviously, but just like, what do we need to do to get this done? You know?

Right. Because at some point something's gonna have to happen here. Yeah.

She can't put it off forever.

Right. They need to finish whatever they're working on that the manager insists that they work on together.

Assuming there's some sort of near term end to that. Yes, if, if there is. But I can see that where she's at with it right now is that this really can't continue for much longer.

So she's thinking about leaving clearly. But doesn't want to. She just wants the other person to leave.

Yeah, it would, I think a lot.

Of times of that sort of first. Oh, if they would just go, just go away, you know?

Yes. Don't we always try to wish the problems away? Right.

Yes.

Well, I feel like we've talked a lot about her co worker relationship. Are you going to pivot over to the boss?

Yes.

So when I think about her relationship with her boss, I'm not sure how often they're talking. I think a quick shout out to managers is I feel like you need to be having at least a one on one, at least every other week regardless.

But I, I think you should do every week.

Agreed.

I think we've talked about this in the past, but this is just really important.

And so in theory, if Melissa's meeting with her boss every week, her development, her goals, because I think some of this conflict comes from her feeling like she's not achieving the work goals that she wants. And the feedback she's getting doesn't seem aligned with her own perception. So if that's the case, they need to be having more conversation.

And Melissa seems like maybe the kind of person who's not gonna say that she doesn't agree with her boss on what the feedback that she's getting.

She might, because there's definitely a disconnect here between what she pictures as her contributions. Versus what her. Not just her boss, but her bosses have been saying so.

Yeah, great point.

I do think there's a disconnect here.

Yeah. So I would recommend that in her next one on one and if.

Okay, side note, if your boss is not somebody who schedules one on one, schedule one on ones with them. They can always decline if they don't have time or energy or whatever. But. But if you put it on their calendar, it's likely.

It's worth a try.

Yeah, it's worth a try. Love that. But I would ask for specifics if she's hearing over the last three bosses that she's had that she needs to work on her communication style.

Maybe she needs to work on her communication style, but asking questions about that in a non defensive way is kind of critical. We've talked about feedback in the past.

When you ask for feedback, you got to approach it in that non defensive way and be open to hearing that and maybe open to asking for additional perspectives and tools and resources for how to get better at those things.

Right. And even before she talks to her boss, she really should reflect on her own behavior, her own performance and really think through that.

Especially if she's struggling with certain tasks. Because you can go to your boss and say here's where I'm having some difficulty. What do you think about that? Can I get your input on this?

Or hey, I'm doing these things but you're telling me that's not exactly how you're hoping to see them happen, that sort of thing.

If there's any of that going on, you can really approach it from a collaborative standpoint with your manager, which tends to allow for some of that growth of that partnership and also growth of your skills.

I love that, that self reflection and taking notes on what you want to be sure to talk about before you go into that meeting. Critical. So helpful.

So I would say as well, when she is about to talk to her boss, she should think about what behaviors, communications, what are the breakdowns, not just how she feels. And jot that down and it'll help with clarity if she does speak to the co worker or the boss or hr.

So definitely jotting those things down would be helpful. And also preparing by thinking about what outcome she wants and how it's affecting her.

Use specific examples and use I statements to express the impact of those behaviors clearly. And also respectfully keep it brief and focused. Especially given the co worker's fast communication style. That's going to be important too.

And then she should ask for a conversation when she's ready for that.

So what I'm hearing you say, Karen, is that she should prepare for any challenging conversation that she's going to have by examining her feelings, looking at what she wants to happen, and then giving specific examples, using those I statements, whether it's her boss or her coworker.

And being brief, cut it down so that it shares the important points and helps you get across the main things that you are wanting to convey.

Because it is human nature to look at a long document like that and skim it, try to distill it as best as you can while keeping those important points in there.

And it might not be something that you're sending. It might be something that you're reading. And so you.

You want it to be something that you can skim those points easily and make those points as you're talking.

Exactly. Helps with both.

Yeah.

And I have worked a lot in communication, and one of the things that's a common sentiment is that the more concise and effective a communication is, the longer it takes you to put it together. So be prepared to spend time on that.

True.

I would also suggest that she share her goals because it sounds like she has a clear vision of what she wants her career to look like. And if her boss doesn't know that, her boss can't help her achieve that.

And most good managers, I think, will want to help you achieve your goals, like that's why they're there. I mean, hopefully not every manager feels that way, but I think that's ideal.

Right. That's a good point about needing to bring that up, because I assumed from this that she had brought it up.

But there is definitely a perspective out there that many people hold that if I just do the work and I show that I have good performance, my boss will reach out to me and say, hey, you should be promoted, and I should not be asking for that.

I love that you brought that up. I love that, because that's so true. I feel like so many people feel that way, like, oh, just work really hard and they'll notice.

And that's not the way that the world works in most situations.

Not in the US for the most part.

Yeah, great point.

I think there are some cultural nuances there, especially for people coming from cultures that we would call high context. So they don't say a lot, but they expect a lot of reading between the lines and interpreting behaviors, things like that.

I have another short story. I know I'm telling a lot of stories this podcast episode, but Story day. Yeah, story day.

We go where we go.

I was in a job for about six months, and I had this manager who saw a lot of potential in me, and he had asked me what I wanted to do with my future. But at that point, I was young and I didn't really have a vision for what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go.

And he kept encouraging me to think about that. And finally I told him, okay, I think I want to be a mentor in this job.

And I said, but obviously that's years away because all the other mentors in this job are in the job for five years. And the next month, he made me a mentor because he was like, oh, you're a top performer and you teach things well. Why not try it out?

And so just by being able to share what I wanted for my career or the next thing, he was able to help me achieve that. And I think a lot of great managers will do that. And so that's why it's so critical to share what you want and to figure out what you want.

I love that you mentioned to figure out what you want. I have a really good book reference, since we're talking about what does she want to do?

And I don't know if she wants to do anything other than get a promotion in this job. She's really fixating on that right now, which is understandable because it's such a difficult situation.

But if she is talking to her manager, talking about development, it's not a bad idea to think about what do I like to do with my job? How do I want to spend my days? Not just. Just I want to spend my days in absence of this bothersome co worker, but what do I want to do?

And the book called Designing your Life, which was mentioned to be by my friend Beverly, is a really good one. And we'll put it in the show notes for you. So it's definitely worth giving some thought in sort of a structured way of what gives you energy?

What do you enjoy doing? What are things that you don't enjoy doing as much? And what does it. Does that look like ultimately for your days?

So we hope that Melissa will give that some thought too.

I love that book. And they actually have a second one that came out after that called Designing youg Work Life. So it's focused entirely on Designing youg Career.

Perfect.

I've read both love them. Both love that recommendation. Beverly and Karen so highly recommend both of those. Well, I think we're ready to move to hr. What do you think?

Let's do it for the HR perspective today, I'd like to focus on what I would say to Melissa if she decides to go to HR with this situation. Managers or HR usually want to know if an employee attempted to resolve the issue first.

And if Melissa doesn't feel comfortable doing that, she can still go to HR or her boss directly.

But it's important to organize thoughts before a meeting with HR or the manager so that she can avoid coming across as over emotional or scattered, and so she can make sure that the main concerns are communicated clearly and also to maintain some credibility and professionalism.

Nobody's gonna fault her for freaking out in the HR office, but she's gonna get her message across a lot better if she thinks it through and is prepared to talk about the main points in specifics of what's happening and how's it bothering her.

So if she does need a vent thoroughly, that's going to be done best with her, with her BFF or her partner or a therapist, not in the HR meeting if she can help it.

Yeah. The perception that people have of you really matters in this situation. So especially if this is your first time meeting those HR partners.

Right. And it's important to remember that a human is receiving this message from you.

Yeah.

And all of us being human, if somebody comes at you with a huge bunch of emotion, it's not wrong. It's just probably not going to be received quite as well and in the way that you want it to land. Because Melissa wants help from hr.

If she's going to HR or to her manager, she wants help from them. And making it possible for them to hear her message better is going to be important.

I would add too, that she hasn't mentioned any of the big things that sometimes come up in hr. Sexual harassment, concern for her physical safety, anything else where it might not make sense to go talk to this co worker about it.

So she still could talk to the co worker and doesn't say sound like she's really tried to talk to the co worker yet. I'm generally a fan of trying to talk to the person and if that doesn't work, talking to the manager or hr.

Yeah, we're talking about communication, which is usually the issue.

Yeah. I think the only yellow flag for me was the yelling, but that could have just been an intense moment of stress.

Thank you for mentioning that.

Yeah, that could be. Yeah. But it sounds like there's no threat of violence or anything like that, so.

So if I were the HR business partner for this organization, I think one of the questions That I would be wondering is, have other people had a problem with Melissa or is it just this one coworker and. Or has anyone else had a problem with the other coworker or is it just Melissa? You know, understanding.

If there's like an ongoing theme here, it sounds like the other coworker was highly respected in her last department, so maybe not.

But maybe, maybe there are some other issues there and maybe they need some more support from their manager, some development in their communication styles, and they're working together in collaboration. It seems like maybe there's some underlying issues here that HR could help the manager solve.

I think so.

And this is kind of one of those things that managers, they just, they think, gosh, if I could just get my job done, I don't have all these people concerns. But it is part of the management job. Right. And it does come up sometimes.

And I think it goes with that saying that 10 or 20% of your, your direct reports are going to be 80 to 90% of your management needs sometimes. And it just kind of ebbs and flows with the management job. I'm sure it's difficult for everybody in the situation for all three of them.

I agree.

And I like that you brought up. Has there been problems in the past with Melissa or with the co worker?

Because it could be that Melissa is not as strong of a performer as she sees herself to be.

And it also could be that this coworker had a good reputation in the other group, but could have been really blustery there and hard to get along with sometimes. High performers are also just difficult to get along with.

Very true.

And managers have not managed their behavior because they have limited time and they're thinking, hey, this person is getting so much done. I'm not going to address the behavior. I'm happy with the work they're getting done and we're just all going to deal with it.

So that's a thing too, right?

Yep.

But sometimes even for are high performers who are getting a lot done and have a big personality, sometimes even that comes to a time where the behavior needs to be managed. Yeah.

Ready to move to psychology?

Yeah, let's do that.

Our favorite topic.

Yay, psychology. The psychology term that comes to mind for me today is polyvagal theory, also known as fight, flight or freeze. And then the term fawn was added.

And then after further research, fawn was turned to the word feign. So now we think of fight, flight, freeze, or feign. And I'll share why this comes to mind.

Sometimes when a person is in a tough situation, it can trigger the brain's automatic response from the amygdala of fight, flight or freeze.

And those are survival modes related to back in the caveman days where you might have come face to face with a tiger and needed a quick, useful survival instinct to kick in.

And then that more recent ad of Thane is a little different because it's actually involved with higher brain functioning, because it's related to planning. It's trying to make the scary person sort of happy or more calm by catering to their needs.

Kind of like George McFly in Back to the Future when Biff shows up to bully him and he just kind of tries to say calming things to soothe him, even though the treatment he's getting from Biff is super rude. And of course any of these are going to be associated with a lot of anxiety. So that's important to keep in mind.

If a person is in any of these modes frequently, it can really have longer term effects on their mental and physical health.

So I think Melissa is generally leaning toward flight and freeze because she wants to just avoid the situation, to not work with this person, and because she talks about how anxious she feels when she even sees her co worker's name in the inbox. That's a lot going on for her and I'm not recommending that she fight. But I bring this up to really highlight that it's a very difficult situation.

And anytime you can start to get some language to describe the situation, what's going on, how you're feeling, it's a good start to begin processing it, which can also help towards moving to figure out what you want to do about it. And we've got thoughts and advice here. But of course, all situations are going to have more details than what's available here.

And using your judgment and owning each situation is important.

I love that you brought that up because that is so critical here for Melissa and what she's going through. And it also makes me think about the things that we say in a lot of our podcasts about taking a minute to feel centered, right?

Like we've talked about clenching your butt cheeks to like relax a little bit, right? Because that helps you calm. Putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth to help you relax your jaw, lifting your shoulders and rolling them back.

I don't know if everybody just heard that crack that happened in my back there, but those kind of things, to feel centered and be in your body and feel present can really help her as she's facing that fight, flight, freeze, or fain situation. So just kind of want to remind our listeners and remind Melissa about those physical tools and processes that are out there.

Very helpful.

The two psychology perspectives that came to mind for me are one of my favorites, growth mindset versus fixed mindset. Now, I want to start by saying, Melissa, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to be challenging you a lot in this next little section.

And I'm focusing on what you can do because you cannot control your co worker, you cannot control your manager, you cannot control your work, but you can control your actions and your approach. So that's why we're focusing on these two things that I wanted to call out. So growth mindset versus fixed mindset.

There is a professor and researcher, Carol Dweck. She's amazing, and she wrote a book called the New Psychology of Success where she talks about growth mindset versus fixed mindset.

I know a lot of people know about this, so I'm just going to give a quick summary to anybody who maybe hasn't heard these terms. But growth mindset is where you are open to developing. You do not assume that you cannot learn things and that you're.

That you're stuck where you're at forever. A fixed mindset is the opposite of that. Right. Where you say, like, I can't do things.

Some of the phrasing that people might use to display a growth mindset are like, I haven't learned that yet or I'm still working on that. Things like that. Whereas if you have a fixed mindset, you might say something like, I'm not good at that.

And so that mindset really has a lot to do with how you approach the world.

And Melissa, you're hearing from your managers more than one, that you have some things to work on, which tells me that maybe you need to shift your mindset a little bit from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset and be open to growing and developing the skills that they're suggesting.

I love that resource. And that is the number one business book of all time, in my opinion.

It's amazing and personal book.

I know.

Yeah.

I mean, since we're talking about workplace here, obviously business came to mind first, but she claims it's this great book that's also helpful for parenting. I think it says it on the front of it, if I recall correctly. Also good for parenting and all these other things, but she is not kidding.

Yeah, it is great for so many aspects of life. Yeah.

Actually, growth mindset, one of the pieces of feedback that I got from my daughter was that maybe I pushed on growth mindset a little too hard at her, like high school graduation. She got up there to say things about what she appreciated about her parents and whatnot.

And one of the things she said was that I helped her grow her growth mindset. And then later she said, but you did it too much. But it's true. And, but it is a really good skill to have.

And so like, being able to pivot from that, like, I can't do this to. I can learn how to do this is so helpful in every aspect of your life. It is. So. Okay, sorry, that's my little soapbox.

But I'll step down now and maybe pivot over to the other psychology perspective that I brought today. The other psychology perspective I wanted to talk about today is a self fulfilling prophecy. It's kind of a like, broad, loose term.

There are specific terms that are used in psychology, like the Pygmalion effect or the Rosenthal effect. That's for positive.

That's essentially saying you view somebody positively and so then they perform better and perform more positively because of the positive way in which you view them.

Because of your micro expressions, your body language, things that you're doing subconsciously that people are picking up on and then living out what you're seeing in them. The opposite of that is the golem effect where you are viewing people negatively.

And, and they're living up to that because of how you're acting unconsciously. And so I think that that is a really big risk here for Melissa. She's had a negative experience, or few with this coworker. She's been yelled at.

That is not a great situation. Right. So she might just assume that this coworker is always bad, that working with her will always be bad.

And if Melissa goes into every interaction thinking that way, feeling that way, making those negative assumptions about her coworker, it is more likely that her co worker will act that way.

Because even if Melissa tries not to exhibit those things, that underlying feeling will come out in her body language, in her tone, in her interactions.

What a great unpacking of the self fulfilling prophecy and how it applies here. And she may be seeing it through that lens.

It happens all the time. But when you have those feelings, the projection that you put on people, they feel that, that even it's all, a lot of it is like subtle.

It's unconscious. Like we're not thinking about these things, but the way that our bodies are acting, the tone, these little things make a huge difference.

And if people are reading that you are expecting them to fail, expecting them to be bad. Especially if you're like in a manager position that's a little bit tangential, but I think it's still important.

Then performance outcome will be different.

Yeah, I like that you brought up the self fulfilling prophecy because that could definitely be something that's happening here.

And it would be helpful for Melissa to examine, examine her thoughts about the situation and try to determine if maybe there are some assumptions that are kind of spiraling and growing and it might be something that if she were to realize that that's happening, if she can kind of dial those back a little bit and go in with maybe assuming some positive intent. Keep that spiral from happening quite so quickly.

Yeah, exactly.

Or stop it entirely. Yeah, maybe. Who knows?

Oh my God, that would be great.

Yeah. It sounds complex though.

Yes.

Not an easy fix.

So that's everything I had for psychology. Do you have anything else you want to add?

I do not.

Shall we close it out?

That sounds good. All right.

Today we heard from Melissa, who is feeling a bit shaky in her standing at her job while dealing with a difficult co worker with a different work style.

We hope Melissa will do a little self reflection and have some self care and also consider organizing her thoughts a little bit in support of talking with this co worker or talking with the manager or hr.

And for our listeners, don't underestimate how helpful it can be to reflect on your emotions, prepare some notes and organize your thoughts, especially if you're going to be having a challenging conversation.

Doing that will also help you manage your emotions a bit before you have the conversation, which will increase your chances of getting heard and understood. We hope this chat gives you some ideas to use the next time you encounter a similar situation.

All the resources we referenced in the podcast can be found in the show Notes. Please let us know your thoughts, ideas and questions.

Also, if you'd like to hear our thoughts about a workplace conflict scenario you're facing, reach out to us and we might include it in this podcast. We want to hear from you. Check out our website at thehrmediators.com or email us at thehrmediatorsmail.com thanks for joining.

Us on the HR Mediators. Stay curious, stay kind and stay brave. You've got this and we'll see you next time.