Can divorce mediation work in a high-conflict divorce? Yes—but it requires two people who are willing and able to participate meaningfully.

You do not have to like your spouse, trust everything they say, or agree before entering divorce mediation. After all, reaching an agreement is the reason you are there. But successful divorce mediation requires honesty, complete financial disclosure, meaningful participation, and the ability to make independent decisions without intimidation or coercion.

In this short episode of Doing Divorce Different, attorney-turned-mediator Lesa Koski explains the difference between an unhappy couple and a couple that may not be appropriate for mediation. She shares three signs divorce mediation may work, warning signs that additional safeguards or professional support may be necessary, and practical phrases that can help prevent difficult conversations from becoming battles.

You will also learn how Zoom rooms, shorter sessions, financial professionals, and limited-scope attorneys can make mediation more workable in some high-conflict cases.

Divorce mediation is not a boxing match. You are not there to defeat your spouse. You are there to make informed decisions about your children, finances, and future.

Suggested Timestamps

(00:00) Can divorce mediation work if you don’t get along?

(00:52) You don’t have to like your spouse—but you must be willing

(02:05) What meaningful participation in mediation requires

(03:28) Why complete financial disclosure is essential

(04:25) Compromise, priorities, and possible solutions

(05:24) Coercion, intimidation, and independent decision-making

(06:34) Three signs divorce mediation may work

(07:34) How high-conflict mediation can be structured differently

(08:36) When mediation may not be appropriate

(10:05) Three communication phrases to use in mediation

(11:10) Divorce mediation is not a boxing match

Key Takeaways

• You do not need a friendly relationship to mediate, but both spouses must be willing and able to participate meaningfully.
• Complete and honest financial disclosure is essential.
• Each person must be able to ask questions, say no, consider options, and make independent decisions.
• High conflict does not automatically rule out mediation; separate rooms, shorter sessions, attorneys, and financial professionals may help.
• Mediation may not be appropriate when fear, coercive control, ongoing abuse, manipulation, or hidden finances prevent meaningful participation.
• Listening and acknowledging your spouse’s concerns does not mean agreeing with them.

Communication Phrases to Try

• “What I hear you saying is…”
• “The part that matters most to me is…”
• “Here is where I may have some flexibility…”
• “One part of what you said that I agree with is…”

About Lesa Koski

Lesa Koski is an attorney-turned-mediator, divorce coach, educator, and host of Doing Divorce Different. She helps individuals and couples approach divorce with greater clarity, dignity, and less conflict through mediation, education, and practical decision-making support.

Resources

Schedule a Divorce Clarity Call: https://www.lesakoski.com/

Learn more about working with Lesa: https://www.lesakoski.com/

This episode provides general educational information and is not legal advice. Mediation standards, legal requirements, and available processes vary by state and individual circumstances.

Welcome back to Doing Divorce Different.

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I'm so thankful that you're here,

and I want to use today to quickly

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go over the question of can you do

a divorce mediation if you don't

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even get along with your spouse?

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And, you know, I think people

often worry about that.

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You know, we talk about high-conflict

divorce or, um, you know, you wanna

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know, like, is this an option for me?

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It is the greatest option if it works.

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So here's the thing.

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You don't have to like your

spouse to do a mediation.

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You don't even have to completely trust

everything they say, and you don't

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have to totally agree with everything

before you walk into the room, because

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that's what the mediation is for.

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But it does require two people

who are willing, and I have

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to say able, to participate.

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And as a divorce mediator, I really do

have to watch that because sometimes there

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may be one person who maybe isn't able.

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Maybe, um, they're

having addiction issues.

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I actually am seeing that more and more,

and it's not always easy to negotiate

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with someone who's not all there, right?

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Or if they're having

extreme, um, mental illness.

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It's sad, but sometimes it's not going…

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they're not gonna be available

to actually think through

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the work that you need to do.

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So I, but I do wanna say that I've had a

lot of couples who don't really like each

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other, who are, can be a little grumpy,

and the only thing is you don't have to

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be cheerful, you just have to be willing.

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You don't need to be friendly,

but I do ask that you're kind

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when we're working together.

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And I…

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You know, a good mediator is going to

step in and help you to really listen

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and hear the other person, and to be

able to communicate what your wants and

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needs are, and to really kinda train

you to be a good, good negotiator.

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So, um You have to be willing to

compromise too, because no one's

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gonna go in and, you know, it's,

it's not a boxing match, right?

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I do, I do reels on that.

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Divorce mediation is not a boxing match.

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So what, what you need to be

willing to do is to show up, to

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share the necessary information,

and this can be tricky sometimes.

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Um, when someone's trying to hide their

finances, we can't do a mediation,

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um, because you have to be willing to

come in with all of the information.

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And so if I ever have an inkling that

I don't know if they're telling us

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everything or if the other person does,

we've gotta get other people involved to

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look into it and probably hire attorneys.

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So you also have to be … So you have

to be willing to show up, share the

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necessary information, and listen long

enough to understand what the issues are.

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And sometimes that's hard 'cause we

get defensive or we get sad and we get

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emotional and I try to help you come back

into your body so you can use your brain

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the way it was meant to be used, which

is really hard when we're under stress.

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But there has to be listening.

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When I'm, um, observing two people

and I'm seeing that they're not

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hearing, I can step in and help,

but still, you have to be willing

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to listen so that you can understand

what the other's person's issue is.

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And you have to be willing to

compromise and consider more

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than one possible solution.

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So I ask, always ask my clients

to come in with the idea of,

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"This is what I really want.

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This is perfect.

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Here's where I'm willing

to budge a little.

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This is something that's so

important and I can't move on it."

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Think through that if you can before

you get to your session, 'cause

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you'll just feel better prepared.

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Okay, here is another one that can

be sneaky sometimes, and sometimes

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we don't even know ourselves.

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I've known women and men who think

they are able to make decisions,

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but they're being coerced.

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And, um, as a mediator, I need to watch

for that and I need you to really think

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through can you make this agreement?"

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Or, or are you feeling coerced?

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Are you feeling threatened?

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Are you feeling manipulated?

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If someone has a hold on you like that, a

mediation is not a good idea because you

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do, you've got the mediator there, but

you are representing your wants and needs.

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There's not someone there advising you.

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So, um, yeah.

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So and you just accept that neither

person gets everything, right?

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We know that.

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I've already said that.

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There's, there's, um,

there's a compromise.

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So mediation is voluntary, but

that doesn't mean it's casual.

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You are being asked to participate

really honestly in decisions that

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may shape the rest of your life.

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So these are three signs I kind of

look at that a mediation may work.

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You can focus on decisions

even when emotions are present.

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So we can deal with the emotions.

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They all get emotional.

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We can deal with them, and

we can still kind of get back

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and focus on that decision.

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Both people are willing to provide

complete financial information.

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That's so important.

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You can't do it without that.

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And each person can say no, ask

questions, and consider options

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without being intimidated.

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And that's really important because

willingness alone isn't enough if

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one person controls all the money or

the other person is afraid to speak.

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So current standards specifically

emphasize screening for domestic

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abuse, coercive control, financial

pressure, and barrio- barriers

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to informed decision-making.

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That's kind of my job, but not every

mediator is going to catch that, so I

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really want you to look deeply because

mediation is a great, great tool But

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if there's any lack of control that you

have, don't jump to it just because you

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think it's the cheaper, quicker option.

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That's not true.

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It's totally worth it if we

have two willing volunteers.

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Now, a lot of times, I, I don't

work with a lot of high conflict

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unless they're court-ordered.

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But I want you to know that just

because something is high conflict

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doesn't automatically mean that

you can't do the mediation.

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I've had some really successful

high conflict mediations, and I

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think Zoom works great for these.

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We can separate out.

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I usually have shorter, um, sessions,

and we call in professionals.

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We call in financial people, and we get,

like, represented by lawyers, maybe on a

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limited scope if you don't need that much.

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But you don't need to have

a perfect relationship.

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You need a process that allows both people

to participate safely and meaningfully.

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So when mediation may not be

appropriate is when someone is

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afraid of the other person, there's

coercive control or ongoing abuse, one

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spouse refuses to disclose finances.

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It happens.

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Someone cannot make an

independent decision.

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That could just be they're

somehow controlled by the

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other person, so look for that.

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Um, a spouse uses mediation

only to delay or manipulate.

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I have seen it, and I can't stand it

when it happens when we're talking about

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parenting, where people are delaying

it and diving knives into the other

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person when we're trying to talk about,

"Let's get centered on our kids."

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So sometimes spouses can use it as a

delay tactic, and we don't want that.

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It's there to make things easier, simpler,

cleaner, more peaceful, less expensive.

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Um, so safety protections cannot

correct the power of imbalance.

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So even if we do everything

we can, if there is a power

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imbalance, we can't fix that.

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So just be clear.

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I think mediation is great, but

make sure it's great for you.

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So here, here's some great little tips

that I've, like, given in reels lately,

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and it just helps you when you're just

communicating in general, but when

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you're in the middle of a m- mediation,

and I'll help you do this if you work

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with me, is to make sure you listen

and say, "What I hear you saying is…"

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Now, it doesn't mean you're agreeing,

but the other person is feeling heard.

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Then you could say, "The part

that matters most to me is…"

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So you're putting it on yourself.

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You're saying, "This is what I need."

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And then the magic, "Here's where

I may have some flexibility."

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And I do always say, if you can come

in, um, when you're listening to someone

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with something you agree with first,

that's gonna just Just do a little

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breath of fresh air through the session.

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So remember, divorce mediation

is not a boxing match.

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You're not out-- you're not there

to knock that other person out.

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You are there to make informed decisions

about your children, your finances,

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and your future, and you may even grab

some communication tips along the way.

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You cannot control how your spouse

shows up, but you can prepare your

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information, understand your priorities,

and manage your own responses.

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And you know what?

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Surrender the rest.

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Thanks so much for being here.