The Mother-in-Law Series: When It's Hard

This is the last episode in my five part series on being a mother-in-law. If you've listened to the other four and felt a wince here or there, this one is for you. Even if things have been hard for a long time, it isn't too late to change.

We can't change our daughter-in-law or son-in-law. The only thing we can really work on is ourselves. Here are five places to start.

1. Process your own emotions. Disappointment and hurt don't go away just because we push them aside. Sit with the feeling, journal about it, pray about it. Let yourself actually feel it so it can move through you instead of getting stuck.

2. Revisit the story you're telling yourself. Our brain looks for evidence to prove whatever we already believe. If the story is "we never recovered," our brain will keep finding proof of that. We get to ask if that's still the story we want to tell.

3. Work on emotional regulation. Staying in a regulated nervous system lets us respond with curiosity instead of reacting out of hurt or fear. This is what allows us to stay consistent and warm even when a relationship feels hard.

4. Take an honest look in the mirror. Not to beat ourselves up, but to notice patterns we might not see otherwise. Are we easy to be around? Are we curious about her life?

5. Decide how you want to handle it. Some things we choose to let go of. Some are worth talking through, either directly or with a coach or neutral party first. Either way, check your motives. Are you trying to win, or trying to connect?

Mentioned in this episode:

Episode 6, "When the Story Hurts, Start With the Facts"

Joseph Grenny's quote, Unprocessed emotions don't go away, they go to the basement and lift weights."

Announcements:

Local class on nervous system regulation, Thursday, September 10th, 7 to 9pm in South Jordan, Utah. $25. You can register at https://buy.stripe.com/5kQeVd7wsfZC4wXdYm2kw0M

Retreat in Alta, September 17th through 19th. Brooke is the keynote speaker. $250. Email [email protected] for details.

Share this episode with someone who'd love it, and sign up for my newsletter at brookeoniki.com for more coaching on your relationships with your adult kids, your husband, and yourself.

Welcome to Midlife with Brooke.

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I am your host, Brooke Oniki.

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I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ,

a wife, mother, grandma,

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and a certified life coach.

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On this podcast, we talk about all things

mothering, health and emotional wellbeing.

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I share practical tools and

examples from my life and from the

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lives of my clients to help you

navigate this new season of midlife.

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It can feel tricky and confusing and

a little bit out of our comfort zone

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as our children grow up and they

don't really need us in the same way.

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These concepts and principles have changed

my life and I've watched them change

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the lives of my clients, and I hope that

they can be helpful if there are things

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that you wanna change in your life.

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So let's get started.

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Hello, welcome to the podcast.

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I am a little late this week because

we had our staycation last week

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and I was so busy with my family.

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And then Saturday came around and

I thought, "Oh, I'll record it

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today," but I also had to teach

gospel doctrine yesterday and I

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really needed to work on that.

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And so I was staying up really

late and I thought, "You know what?

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I need to go to sleep more than

I need to record this podcast."

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So it's coming to you a few hours late,

but I am glad that you are here, and

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I have a few announcements to make.

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I'm gonna do a local class Thursday,

September 10th in South Jordan, Utah.

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It's gonna be from 7:00 till 9:00, PM.

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the instruction will be from 7:00 to 9:00,

and then if you want to stay longer to ask

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questions or talk, certainly you can stay.

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It's open until 10:00 o'clock.

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And it's $25, and I'm gonna talk to

you about nervous system regulation.

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I'm gonna talk to you about how to be

more in tune with your body so that

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you can get yourself in a regulated

space so that you'll be able to have

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really honest and helpful conversations

with the people that you love.

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So many of us get disregulated and we

don't know what to do, so we either

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run away and avoid it altogether or we

say something that we regret later on.

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So if I can learn how to understand

what's going on in my body so that I

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can come to my relationships from a

regulated space, it is a game changer.

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And I have just shared this

information with so many people, and

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it's been life-changing for them.

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And so I wanna have an in-person time

where we can talk and be together,

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and people can share some of their

experiences, and we can coach through

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those, and I would love to have you come.

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So that is on Thursday, September 10th.

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It's $25, and I will put a link in the

show notes so that you can register for

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that class if you would like to come.

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I'd also like to invite you to a

retreat in Alta, California that will

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be September 17th through the 19th.

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It's at a cabin there, and I

am the keynote speaker there.

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I'll be speaking at four different

times in that retreat about all kinds

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of things that will help you with your

brain and your emotional regulation so

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that you can have better relationships

with yourself, with God, with your

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kids, with your spouse, and there will

be tons of interaction in that one.

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It's $250, which is just such

a great deal, and I would

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love to have you come to that.

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So if you're interested in that, just send

me an email at [email protected],

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and I can send you all the

information if you'd like to do that.

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So those are my announcements.

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This is the last podcast in my five-part

series on being a mother-in-law, and today

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we're gonna talk about when it's hard.

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Because sometimes we listen to things,

I've given you lots of ideas, and

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they've all been pretty aspirational,

but sometimes we feel like, "Wait,

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this isn't how it is for me.

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I already have a really difficult

relationship with a daughter-in-law

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or a son-in-law, and it's been

going on for a long time now.

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So what do I do if that's the case?"

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One of the things I've brought up in each

podcast is that joining a new family is

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like moving to another country, that you

don't know the customs or the language.

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And so when a new daughter-in-law or

son-in-law comes into a family, as the

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mother-in-law, we get to decide if we're

gonna be the friendly local that helps

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them navigate this new experience, or if

we're gonna be border control because we

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feel somehow threatened by the newcomer.

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And that's what we're in charge of, is

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deciding whether or not we

wanna be that friendly local

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or we wanna be border control.

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And most of us don't think

we're being border control.

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Most of us think we are trying to be

the friendly local, and that maybe

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our daughter-in-law or our son-in-law

is the one that feels really hard.

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we can't be in charge of that, but I

can help you with some things that might

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make it easier for you If you've been

listening to the last four episodes, you

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may have felt like wincing a few times,

like, "Oh, no, I've done that," or, "Oh,

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I didn't make a Christmas stocking

for my new daughter-in-law when

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she moved into the family," or, "I

didn't do matching pajamas since

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that was a tradition her family had.

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It's too late for me now.

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This daughter-in-law's been in my

family for six years or 10 years, and

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we've started off on the wrong foot."

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So what I want to share with you today

is that it isn't too late, that even

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if we've had a hard go of it for a few

years, that we really can start to make

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changes that can improve our relationship.

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I promise you that it can

grow and be different.

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I started coaching after I was 50 years

old, and if someone would've told me

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that I could change the relationship

with my body when I was 50 years old,

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I would've said, "It's too late now.

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I've been thinking this way for so long."

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But I am a living, walking testimonial

that you can change your relationship with

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your body and learn to love her and honor

her and be grateful for her and accept

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her where she is and treat her with love.

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I never would've believed I could do that.

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I've also changed relationships with

my kids and with my husband in ways

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that I am so proud of and so grateful

for, and I've seen my clients do it.

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So just be open to the

idea that it could change.

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If you haven't listened to the other

podcasts in this mother-in-law series,

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I would encourage you to do that.

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There are four, one about weddings,

one about becoming the fun aunt

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instead of trying to be a second

mother to her, one about helping in

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ways that are really helpful, and

one about creating new traditions.

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So they're all right in a

row just before this one.

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So I would encourage you

to listen to those as well.

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So today we're gonna talk about

more of the work that you can do.

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So because we can't change our

daughter-in-law or our son-in-law or our

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kids or anybody for that matter, the only

thing we can do is work on our own stuff.

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So today I'm gonna talk about five things

that you can do to work on your own stuff.

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And some of you might be saying,

"Well, I'm the only one doing

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the work, and that's not fair."

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So you don't have to do any of these

things, but I have found that when I do my

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own work, the relationship changes even if

they don't change, because I've changed.

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Instead of carrying all these burdens or

showing up in ways that I don't really

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like or that aren't aligned with who I

want to be, I'm doing my own work, and

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so I feel better aligned, and I feel

happier for the way that I'm showing up.

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So I'm not asking you to do

anything that you don't want to do.

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But if you want to feel better, doing

your own work will help you feel better,

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even if they don't do any work at all.

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So five things.

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Here's the first one.

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Process your own emotions If you

feel disappointment or hurt or some

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sort of regret, rather than pushing

it off to the side and telling

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yourself you shouldn't feel that way,

you can process your own emotions.

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You can work through disappointment.

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I had a girl that I interviewed during

this podcast series that said her

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mother-in-law often brings up that

her son, which is this girl's husband,

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didn't spend any time with her after

his mission, that he came home,

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started dating, and got married, and

the mother-in-law feels sad that she

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didn't get time with this son of hers.

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Well, the daughter-in-law

feels bad about that.

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She wonders if the mother-in-law's trying

to make her feel bad or guilty that

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she somehow came in and took him away.

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So this is the mother-in-law's work,

is to process her own emotions.

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And the way that we process

emotion, We gotta just sit with it.

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We gotta feel it.

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Sometimes that means sitting and crying.

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That means writing and journaling

about what we wish would've

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happened and why we feel hurt by it.

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It may be praying and talking

to God about it, and letting Him

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know, "I feel a little ripped off.

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It doesn't seem fair.

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It feels like I'm not as important,

or my role isn't as central in his

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life or, or their life anymore."

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Processing our emotions allows me

to work through it and let it go So

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when I sit with an emotion, sometimes

I just allow myself to feel it.

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Like, where is it in my body?

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Is it in my chest?

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Is it in my stomach?

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Does it feel like it's in my brain?

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Does it move around?

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Does it feel stuck in some place?

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Sometimes it might be in my

shoulders or in my throat, right?

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And if I can relax my body and take deep

breaths, does it subside in some way?

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Do I process through it and then

it comes back again sometimes?

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Grief is like that, right?

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We don't just process through

the loss of a loved one and

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never think about it again.

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It goes away for a while, and

then it might come back again.

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So it's like, "Oh, here it is again.

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Now I get to process grief again."

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So learning how to feel emotions in

our body and recognizing these are

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just vibrations that come and go.

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They don't feel great, but

they also don't kill us.

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And so I can learn how to feel

disappointed and let it pass

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through my body instead of shoving

it down and trying to resist it,

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'cause That's what we do sometimes.

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We tell ourselves, "I

shouldn't feel this way.

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I should be stronger than this

or more faithful than this."

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But if I allow myself to feel the

disappointment and let it process

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through me, I can let it go.

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Crying, for me, is super-duper useful.

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Writing in my journal, super-duper useful.

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So find the ways that allow you to process

your emotion and let that be your work.

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If I can do that, then I don't

have to keep bringing it up.

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I don't have to keep mentioning

how sad I am that he didn't spend

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time with me after his mission.

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'Cause there's nothing

we can do about that now.

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He's married.

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He has a wife.

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He should be in that relationship fully.

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And me bringing up past hurts over and

over is just evidence that I haven't

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processed through my own disappointment.

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So that's my work to do as

the mother or mother-in-law.

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Number two, revisit the

story that you tell.

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I had a client come to me years ago

and say, we shouldn't have decorated

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their car at the wedding reception.

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We got off on the wrong foot,

and we've never really recovered.

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And so I asked her, "How

long have they been married?"

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And she said, "20 years."

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And I thought, isn't that fascinating?

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When we tell ourselves we started

out on the wrong foot and we've

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never recovered And we never revisit

that story, our brain is just gonna

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look for evidence that that's true.

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So every time there's an awkward silence,

or she doesn't answer a phone call, or

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there's some kind of tension, our brain

wants to file that away as like, "See?

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You started off on the wrong

foot, and you've never recovered."

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It never tries to tell us, "Oh, no, I

think she does wanna be your friend."

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So we have to revisit the story and

decide, is that the story I wanna tell?

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What evidence do I have that she

does wanna be a part of our family?

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Does she ever come to family vacations?

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Has she ever come to family events?

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What kinds of things

do you love about her?

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What are some things that

you see that she does well?

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Are there ways that I could

tell that story differently?

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Sometimes we have a story in

our mind, and we just leave it

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there and never look at it again.

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But if I can reexamine that

story, I can decide, is there

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another way I wanna tell that?

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If you want more help with that

one, I would encourage you to

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listen to episode six, When the

Story Hurts, Start With the Facts.

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That episode is a great companion

to what we're talking about today.

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Number three is emotional regulation.

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I've also talked about

that in past podcasts.

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Emotional regulation is me staying in

a regulated nervous system where I'm

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not in fight or flight, I'm not in

shutdown, I'm able to have conversations

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with people and take feedback and be

happy for the success of others, be

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glad for my son and daughter-in-law to

be happy in their marriage, not feel

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offended and left out all of the time.

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Me operating from a regulated nervous

system is a beautiful thing, but

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I have to learn how to do that.

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I don't stay in it all day long.

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When something happens that feels

a little hurtful, I can learn

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how to get back into regulation.

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I have a client right now

who's so good at that.

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She's been working with me off and on

for years, but she has a son who has

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a strained relationship with her and

eventually moved across the country, and

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he has a lot of boundaries for how much

time she can spend with his kids, and

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she has just stayed really consistent.

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She's honored his boundaries.

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She and her husband fly out to see

their family, and they stay in a hotel

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and they just see them as much as

they'll let them while they're there,

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and they try to make meals for them

and show love and support for them.

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And when they come out and visit, they

always stay somewhere else and sometimes

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are, very prescribed about the time

that they can spend with the grandkids.

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And she has just stayed consistent

and decided, "Whatever he'll give

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me, I'm gonna be happy to take it."

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She's friendly and warm when they do come.

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And the interesting thing is the

daughter-in-law has become very warm to

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her as she has shown up consistently.

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And so I've been so impressed

with what that's created, and

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you can't actually do that from a

dysregulated nervous system 'cause

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you can't fake your way through that.

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But if you are consistently in a place of

peace, in a place of love and kindness,

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and you're trying to be understanding and

you're honoring the boundaries of someone

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else, you can stay calm and peaceful

and consistent and filled with love.

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But that's work that she has done that

has now benefited that relationship,

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and it keeps benefiting the relationship

and getting better, and I'm very

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impressed with the way that she has

worked on her own emotional regulation.

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The fourth thing is to take

an honest look in the mirror.

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Most of us don't feel like we're

being hard to get along with, but

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Here are two examples.

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One woman that I interviewed described

her mother-in-law in this way.

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She said, "She disengages

in conversations.

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She talks over me.

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She interrupts.

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She gives advice that I haven't asked for.

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And she said, "Honestly,

she's just hard to be around."

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I think that is worth sitting with

for a second, 'cause I don't think

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any of us feel like that's who we're

being, but it's worth checking in.

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How do I behave when I

talk to my daughter-in-law?

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Am I interested in her?

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Do I know things that she likes

to read or things that she listens

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to or do I know things about her?

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Or a second example, I had a client

who had a daughter-in-law who used

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to tell her all the things that her

son was doing wrong, and my client

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was constantly feeling like she was

in the middle of their marriage.

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And so as she started looking at this,

she realized, "I don't like how this is

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affecting my relationship with my son.

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I feel like I need to correct him

all the time," or, "I feel judgmental

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of the way that he's handling things

because of the information I'm

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getting from my daughter-in-law."

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So when she looked in the mirror

and saw that, she was like, "Hmm, I

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don't really like how this is going."

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So she had an honest conversation with

her daughter-in-law and said, "I love you

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and I love my son, and so I don't actually

want you to tell me the things that you

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think he's doing wrong all the time.

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I believe that you guys can figure this

out, that you're smart and capable,

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and that you guys can learn how to

communicate and talk about the things

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that are going wrong or that are

hard for you without including me."

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And so when she looked in the

mirror, she recognized, "Oh, I

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don't like what I'm creating here."

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So take a look and be

honest with yourself.

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Do I laugh or say sarcastic things

or question their parenting or give

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advice that's not been asked for?

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We really do need to look

in the mirror and see, are

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there ways that I can improve?

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Not to beat ourselves up, but

to just recognize, "Hmm, I could

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maybe work on that one thing."

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And then number five, I'm gonna

decide how I wanna handle it.

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Some people take whatever

grievance they have to the grave.

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They just decide, "I'm never

gonna talk to her about that.

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I'm just gonna try to swallow

it and keep it in my soul."

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And that's an option.

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I don't think it's that

healthy, but it is an option.

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The second one is I can talk to her.

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I can check in with my motives.

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Am I doing this to let her know that

I'm right or that I wanna win, or am

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I trying to work through something?

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In the case with my client who had the

daughter-in-law that told her everything

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about her son, she didn't wanna say,

"You're being terrible for doing this."

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She just explained, "This is hard on my

relationship with both of you, and because

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I love you both so much, it doesn't seem

like I should be the person that you

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go to over these particular things."

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So if we wanna talk about it, we

gotta check in on our motives.

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Are we trying to shame another

person, or are we really trying

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to create more connection?

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And then the third thing is you can

talk it over with a neutral party.

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You can talk to a coach or a therapist or

a friend to see if you can get yourself

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in a place that allows you to think about

it in a way that feels better to you.

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Oftentimes when you talk to a coach, you

may find you don't actually need to talk

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to your daughter-in-law anymore because

you can work through it and understand it

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in a way that feels peaceful to you, and

it doesn't even require a conversation.

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But if it does, you can learn how

to approach that conversation in a

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way that feels really good to you.

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So those are the five things that

I suggest in doing your own work.

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Process your own emotions, revisit the

story that you're telling yourself,

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make sure that you are learning how

to emotionally regulate better, take

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an honest look in the mirror and take

responsibility for your part, and

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then decide how you wanna handle it.

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If you wanna handle it with a coach,

reach out to me and I'm happy to help you.

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Even if you don't decide to work

with me, you can come on a call and

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leave with some actionable things

that you can do moving forward.

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So I would love to help you in that way.

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All right.

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I hope this series helped you, and I

would love to hear feedback about what

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resonated and, and what you're trying to

do to create better relationships with

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your daughter-in-law or your son-in-law.

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All right.

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Thanks for listening in.

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We'll see you next time.