In this segment of Grief in the Wild, we engage in a conversation with our guest, Melissa, as she recounts her deeply personal experiences of grief following the loss of her son, Kulten. She talks about the unexpected and overwhelming moments of sorrow that can arise in everyday settings, such as a grocery store or during family gatherings. Melissa articulates the complexities of navigating public spaces while grappling with her emotions, sharing two particularly impactful instances that illustrate the pervasive nature of grief. This discussion not only sheds light on the nuances of experiencing grief in public but also emphasizes the importance of understanding and empathy in the face of such profound loss. Through her candid reflections, Melissa invites us to reconsider our perceptions of grief and its manifestation in our lives. In this poignant segment, we delve into the profound experiences of Melissa, who reflects on her journey of grief following the loss of her son, Kulten. The conversation explores the transformative power of grief, highlighting how Melissa has channeled her sorrow into meaningful initiatives that honor her son's legacy. Central to the discussion is the establishment of "Kulten for a Cause," a foundation dedicated to enhancing the lives of others through acts of kindness, thereby fostering a sense of community and connection. Melissa's narrative serves as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the myriad ways in which individuals navigate their grief, revealing that, despite the heart-wrenching pain of loss, there exists an opportunity for healing and growth. This segment not only pays tribute to Kulten but also aims to inspire listeners to find their own paths through the complexities of mourning.

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Hello, human collective.

Welcome to the Upside to Grief.

My name is Story and I am your host.

And my name is Erica and I am your co host.

And this week we are welcoming back on Melissa.

Thank you so much for coming back on with us.

Yes.

We're going to be doing the Grief in the Wild segment.

Grief in her.

Her choice for her segment when she's coming back.

Yeah.

Want to tell us a little bit.

About what Grief in the Wild is real quick?

Yes.

So those of you who have not seen a Grief in the Wild segment, essentially the example I like to use is the grocery store one.

Because I feel like, you know, like we all go to the grocery store so much, so I feel like it's relatable, you know, And I've had a.

Grief in the wild grocery store experience.

So same like.

Yeah, so you're just like, you know, getting groceries and then you're like sobbing in the cereal aisle or whatever aisle it is because you're like, oh, this person loved Lucky Charms.

And then all of a sudden you're just like.

Or a song comes on and you're.

Like, yeah, the music.

It's anything like that.

And so it's grief in public spaces.

That just happens.

So.

Yeah.

And Melissa said she could think of a.

She's like, yeah, I know.

So.

So what were the ones that kind of popped out to you when you saw that?

So I have two.

One is in the beginning when it first happened.

I was only six weeks out and I went out for my first time in public and I thought I was fine.

And I'm going up to Julian and I thought, I could do this.

I could handle it.

Cruising along, shopping, no problems.

And all of a sudden it hits me.

My son's never coming here again with me in this store.

He's never going to look or shop with me.

He's never going to ride in the car with me to get here.

And I just full tears, sobbed.

Like, it.

I just heard the news of his passing.

It was like.

And then I panicked because I was like, oh, my God.

I don't want everyone to think, like, something's horribly wrong with me because I'm ugly crying and sobbing.

And so I kind of like, asked my sister, like, can we please go?

And so we left.

But it was like, when that hit me, I was like, this is the rest of my life now.

Like, oh, my God, Like, I'm gonna have this the rest of my life.

These moments where I'm gonna be doing something, and I think I'm okay.

And I Think I can do this.

And it's gonna hit me like a freight train.

And I just am gonna have to feel it.

I can't, you know, I can't not feel it.

So.

So that was, that was a huge one in the beginning for me.

And then the other one that's like a.

A hard one for me is I have two daughters still and a husband.

And we were in a store and we're shopping and it's for Christmas and obviously my son's not here anymore.

So I. I'm thinking in my head, okay, we're shopping, we can do this.

And every time I'm looking for them and with them I'm.

I'm heartbroken because I'm like, I need to buy for him.

I look, this shirt, he would like it.

And then I just start crying and I'm like, I'm sorry, girls.

Like this.

I tried.

I really did.

And you know, they understand, you know, and they come back with me and, you know, it's mom, we're still here.

We're still going to start.

We're still going to shop for him.

We're still going to, you know, do gifts for him or things like that.

But it's just like, I thought I was okay in that moment to be like, okay, girls, we can go and shop and we can do things, you know, and even though it's Christmas time, like, I can kind of put it in the back of my mind, but it was still like, no, I can't do that because it's just not normal.

It's not.

I shopped for him for 18 years.

I.

You know, like, it was just like, this is the hardest thing.

And so I'm just like crying and like, thankfully, you know, it's.

It comes and goes, you know, like that.

But those are like two of the moments where I'm just like, this is happening right now.

There is literally nothing I can do.

I cannot stop it.

Like, I tried and it just came.

So, yeah, those ones, those ones are heavy too.

And I don't know if we've ever.

Specifically talked about, like, have we talked about grief in the wild when like, other people are present too?

I don't know if we've like specifically gone into that.

Cuz when you were saying that and you were like, both of my daughters were there and you know what I mean?

And I was like, oh, yeah.

I've never, like, thought about it.

Not in the moments that we've specifically talked about.

I don't think so.

I think they've all been like, solo moments of grief in the wild.

Like, being alone when we've.

When we've done this segment.

And so, yeah, I mean, I feel like that just adds, like, a whole other peace to it when there's other people present.

I mean, I don't.

I don't know.

I know I've experienced grief in the wild solo, and then with other people around.

And I feel like when there's other people around, that I know sometimes depending on the person, I guess I feel like I almost have a harder time just letting my emotions be like, okay, this is happening.

We're gonna do this.

If you're alone and it's just a bunch of strangers in the wild, I'm like, I don't really give a fuck.

But, yeah, you know, then I, like, I got, like, friends or family, and I know everybody's, like, supportive and all that, but there's always just this little piece of me that's like, fuck, we.

Were supposed to do some.

Something good today, like shopping or this or that.

And I'm like, here we go.

Okay, let me just fucking ruin everyone else's days.

But I know that's not how they feel.

Right?

You know what I mean?

So I feel like it adds, like, this other piece to it.

Well, it sounds like your daughters were super loving and present.

Yeah.

I mean, from the beginning, I kind of just told them, this is who I am.

Now I'm gonna cry all the time whenever I can't.

Like, because literally, I cried for so long that my tears were burning my face.

Like, a friend gave me arnica cream to put on to help, you know, my skin.

And, you know, and I just.

I told them from the beginning, like, this is me.

I don't know what.

I don't know how long this is gonna be.

And so they were.

Understand.

Even my sister, too, you know, but it was.

I've had moments where I'm, you know, walking in a store and I'm just, why did I come here?

What was.

You know, Like, I've had those moments where I'm like, okay, I just need to leave, because.

And then I get to the car and I'm like, that was scary.

I don't even remember why I went to the store, you know, but those two core moments are pretty much the.

The ones that I'm like, those are the wild ones for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And those are also the ones that, in my experience, talking to people who've experienced grief, they're the ones that.

They're defining moments, because those are going to happen for the rest of your life.

Maybe they're not as intense as that very, very, very, very first time that it just like, you're like, oh, this is my life now.

But I still have those moments where, like, for Christmas for my dad, I still looked for presents for him.

I still got him a card for his birthday.

I still got him a card because I didn't want to stop those habits.

I had been doing them for so long.

I didn't.

I didn't want to stop.

And I, like, gave myself that grace to be okay with that.

I don't think.

Like, for example, I don't think my mom does that, and that's her husband, which is fine.

But in my mind, I was like, I'm okay with not stopping doing these things.

Like, I want to keep doing them, even though every single time I do, like, I get hit with that pain.

Yeah.

Like, story just celebrated Ken's birthday, and she still got him his favorite cake and celebrated that way.

Sing Happy Birthday.

The whole thing.

Yeah, it was nice for what it is.

I mean, it's not like.

It's not nice, but, like.

Yeah, there's like, that side of it where you're like, I'm not going to stop this.

And then the other side, like, yeah, but it sucks.

I was talking about it as I was walking to the beach, actually, and I was like, these are the things that I'm like, I'm so grateful that I have the mental capacity to do these things and the space to do these things.

But I'm like, but I fucking hate them.

I hate that they're on the fucking agenda, you know?

But they're on there.

Yeah.

And I'm not just gonna, like, close the book, you know, because that's just feels wrong.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're the same.

I. I just tell my family, I. I'm sorry.

At maybe some point, I won't do it anymore.

I don't know.

But this is what I need to do.

And they're totally on board with it.

And we celebrate birthdays and Christmas and different holidays and stuff, all kind of the same.

I mean, we do things a little bit different now because it's, you know, been some time.

But, yeah, we still do all those things, but, like, those first moments when the.

I'm like, oh, gosh, this is scary.

This is getting like, my whole life forever now.

So.

Yeah, I really love that you kind of said that out loud to your family, too.

Like, this is.

This is what's going on.

Right?

This is who I am now.

I don't know how long this is gonna last, but, I mean, especially, like, those initial weeks where, like, your tears were literally burning your face because they just came so often and you didn't know when that would stop.

I remember I had had good experiences like that, but I did have one friend who was mad at me for the change in who I was.

I'm like, I.

My dad died.

I'm not ever going to be the same again.

And I'm sorry if you can't accept that.

It was that kind of feeling, and it was really weird because I just didn't expect it.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm not gonna deal with your anger and grief while I'm, like, right in mine.

Like, I can't.

It was, like, within a month of him passing.

Wow.

And I just.

It hurt.

And I feel like it made, like, a permanent shift in our relationship.

But, yeah, I remember that very vividly.

So I'm so glad that you were able to vocalize that.

And then your family is just.

They're like, yeah, yeah.

Even once I.

Once I posted on my Facebook, finally, when I.

Like, because it takes time when you hear, like, you know, your son's never coming back or, you know, loved ones never coming back.

So, like, I couldn't say it out loud.

I couldn't.

Like, I couldn't even tell my mom.

I couldn't call my mom and tell my mom.

I had to have my brother.

I.

Like, I just.

I couldn't do it.

So when I finally put it on Facebook, I told my friends and stuff on Facebook, I'm like, if you don't like it, you can unfriend me.

Like, I can't tell you what I'm gonna say on here anymore.

Like, I kind of felt like a loose cannon a little bit.

Like, this is my life, and if you're my friend, then you're along for my life.

Ride with me.

And if you're not.

If you're not.

See you later.

I don't need.

I don't need you to tell me he's in a better place.

I don't need you to tell me, like, God has a plan.

Like, all those things, which, I know it's coming from a good place, but, like, I'm.

I'm raw right now.

Like, I don't need to hear any of that.

I just need you to just be a friend.

And, yeah, if you don't want to see it, then don't be my friend.

You know, I feel like even shifting that.

Right.

Because, like, right.

It's coming from a good place.

We say that, too, all the time.

But I think really, it's.

That it's coming from an uneducated place.

People aren't educated about how to talk about grief.

So, I mean, I'm not saying that they're not saying it because.

Because they are trying to, like, give comfort, but, like, it's not.

There's nothing comforting about it.

Like, you're literally just, like, saying random sayings about somebody that I really care about passing, and you have no idea what you're doing.

And, like, it's just wild.

It's just wild to me.

So 100%.

I.

The same.

I'm just like, oh, okay.

You obviously have not lost someone that's very close to you in the capacity to actually know how I feel.

And that.

That wouldn't be something good to say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But.

Yeah.

So.

We call them the unhelpful platitudes.

Yes.

Yes.

And it's.

You know, when I was four months after Colton, I went to a grieving mother's retreat.

It was more like a conference.

It was very overwhelming.

It was about 100 moms.

And I walked in and I walked out.

I sat in my truck, cried a whole bunch.

And then I went back in, and then all these women came around, and it was, like.

Was wonderful and great.

And then they were just like, oh, my gosh.

Only four months out.

Like, I would never be here.

And then I thought I was doing something wrong.

Oh, no.

And so I panicked.

And then I was like, oh, gosh.

And then a couple other women came up, and you know, they, like, just were like, we're glad you're here, you know, and very kind and very helpful.

And that.

That conference kind of helped me just with understanding that I will always be his mom, like.

Cause that was my biggest thing in the beginning, is I just felt like I completely lost him.

My memories, like, everything.

Like, it was the weirdest feeling.

And then.

So I.

One of them said that you will always be his mom.

You grew him in your belly, you birthed him.

You raised him.

Like, you're always his mom.

His birth can't change.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, my God, you're right.

So I. I took that, and I was like, okay, I got this.

And then the other thing that was, like, really nice.

Even though it was so overwhelming, I did learn that no matter if he's gone for 20 years, if he's gone for five years, if he's 50 years, whatever it is, however I choose to honor him.

What I choose to do for him or with him or however I want to look at it, whatever I want to call it, that's what I get to do.

And no one gets to tell me that this is unhealthy, this is wrong.

You shouldn't keep doing that.

You know, things like that.

Because that's, like, another thing.

Like, I thought, I'm like, oh, my God, am I grieving my son?

Wrong.

Like, I.

There's no book in the beginning.

There's, hey, let me tell you how.

How to be a mom, how to have a baby.

But there's no, like, hey, by the way, there's a chance that you might lose your baby or your son or, you know, like, there's none.

There's not that information out there.

So I had those two, like, key walkways with that retreat, and it kind of then helped set me up for, like, okay.

Like, this is really about me and how I handle it.

And, you know, I don't have to worry about what other people say, you know, because some people do say things where you're just like, okay.

And at that.

That retreat or the conference, there was.

They had a speaker.

And he.

He said it perfectly.

He's like, yeah, I had just lost my daughter, and I had to get on a plane, and it had only been, like, six weeks.

And I sat next to this lady, and she was all sobbing.

And, you know, of course, me just being kind and compassionate, I was like, are you okay?

And she's like, no, I'm not okay.

I just got the call that my cat Fluffy died.

And, you know, I just am so upset.

And he's like, I'm thinking in my mind, this lady is sobbing like she just lost her child.

And, you know, I.

Here I am sitting next to her.

So, like, he, at first was, like, very kind, I guess, and, you know, the conversation.

And then she was just like, I don't know, I think I might just have to cancel my trip and go home because I can't live without my cat.

And she, you know, kind of continued the conversation.

And then he was like, I'm sorry, ma', am, but I just lost my daughter six weeks ago.

And I just.

This is really, like, bringing a lot of feelings on for me.

And she was like, oh, my God.

Well, then, you know exactly how I feel.

And he just was like, I, at that point, knew that this conversation was done because our level of understanding death and grief was completely different.

I appreciated her wanting to, like, you know, have the understanding that we.

We might know how each other Feel.

However I lost, like, my child, a cat can come back, you know, in another form, you know, for other people.

You can find another kitten, you know, like, things like that.

My child's never coming back.

Yeah.

You didn't birth your cat or, like, create yours.

Yeah.

So he was just like, you know, so he actually know.

Was like, okay, I'm going to use the restroom.

And then he actually sat in the back of the plane.

And so for me, hearing that, I was like, okay, so there's going to be those people out there.

They're only going to come to you and meet you at their grief level that they've experienced.

So I. I learned those three things at that conference, and I was like, okay.

So that kind of helped me going forward, too, with just being in public and, you know, because unfortunately, fortunately, we're very much in our community, so.

And this.

His accident was all over the news.

It was very public.

So within 12 hours of it happening, we literally had our community showing up.

Our church, our work, you know, like, just everybody showing up.

And so it was just like those people were saying those things.

And so then going to this conference four months later hearing, like, okay, like, they're just meeting you where they are and what the grief that they've experienced, the death that they've experienced.

So it was like, okay, I'm.

I'm not crazy for feeling the way that I'm feeling, you know?

Yeah, that's really interesting.

I never thought about it.

I've never thought about it like that either.

I mean, I definitely had moments like that where I understood, like, okay, like, people are gonna do this and they don't understand.

And they also don't understand that what they're doing may not be helpful.

They're doing the best with what they can, even if their best is not great.

But I really.

I really like what that speaker said.

Yeah.

Because that.

That resonates for sure.

100%.

Yeah.

So, yeah, that's.

That's been a interesting little ride there.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for sharing those moments.

Those are.

Oh, they got my head going off like crazy because I'm like, yes, I. I feel.

I feel that.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take us out and do.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming back on and doing a segment with us.

And.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you guys for viewing.

And don't forget to, like, follow, share and subscribe all of the things.

And we will see you guys next week.

Bye.