This week in the diner I had a thoughtful and vulnerable conversation with Survivor and CEO of Candle In A Dark Room, Desi Garcia.  Desi shared her gripping and heart-wrenching story of surviving childhood physical and sexual violence. She told the story of how she turned her “mess into her message” and how she felt called to help other survivors and families of survivors to cope and restore their power. She shared about her podcast and her foundation and the dreams she has for what it can become. Desi’s strength and fortitude are profound and inspiring, and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to listen and learn from her.

*CONTENT WARNING* This episode includes stories of trauma, child physical and sexual violence, bullying, stalking, and suicide. Resources can be found at: https://www.candleinadarkroom.com/

About the Guest: 

Desi Garcia is a mom, wife, survivor, advocate, counselor, crisis worker, trauma expert, podcaster & public speaker, I am the CEO/Founder of Candle in a Dark Room (CIADR). I am a survivor of child physical and sexual abuse. 

CIADR now offers many things. We help survivors of physical and sexual trauma, as well as mental health that stems from trauma. We also help with other trauma such as grief, adoption and more. She now goes to court with victims around the country to face their perpetrators in court, I help prepare them before, support them during, and offer long term help after. I help survivors take their power back, and start the proper steps of healing through their trauma.

Connect with Desi and learn more:

https://www.candleinadarkroom.com/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/candleinadarkroom/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/candleinadarkroom/?hl=en

Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/candle-in-a-dark-room-podcast/id1454847769

About the Host: 

Friends! Here's a somewhat stuffy bio of me:  

I am an author, professional speaker, coach, host, and entrepreneur. My first book, Leading Imperfectly: The value of being authentic for leaders, professionals, and human beings, is available wherever people buy books. I speak internationally to willing and unwilling attendees about authenticity, vulnerability, and leadership. My clients include American Express, General Electric (GE), Accenture, Yale University, The Ohio State University, and many others. As a speaker, I am doing the two things I loves the most: making people think and making people laugh! 

I host my own events multiple times a year. They are 2-day events called Living Imperfectly Live (and sometimes they are 1-day virtual events). They are a space where humans from every walk of life can come together to be part of a community on the pursuit of badassery. The goal is to help attendees start living the life we say we want to live.

Alas, you're here because of an idea I had a number of years ago and didn't think I was good enough to pull it off. I finally acted on it and alas Diner Talks with James was born! As you can see from what I do in my professional life, Diner Talks is alligned with everything I believe in and teach.  If this wasn't dry enough, and you would like to know more info about my speaking, events, or coaching feel free to check out my website: JamesTRobo.com.

Let’s Be Friends on Social Media!

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jamestrobo

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jamestrobo

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jamesrobilotta/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/JamesRobilottaCSP

Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/JamesTRobo

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Welcome to diner jocks with James. slide into the booth and let's have conversations we never want to end with friends. We never want to leave over food we probably shouldn't be

my friends what is going on? Welcome to another episode of diner talks with James. I'm James and I'm super pumped to be here with you all today. How are we doing my friend slide into the booth? What can we get you at the diner? You want a hot chocolate? You want some whipped cream on top of that hot chocolate? I bet you do you look fancy your fancy person aren't you? That's fine. Get into it. I'm here for it friends. It's also hot chocolate season which I'm excited about. I'm not a coffee drinker. I do people like coffee. I don't like coffee. People think that's weird about me. But as you can tell I'm naturally obnoxious. I don't need more caffeine, y'all. I woke up like this. So anyway, I'm super pumped to hang out with you in the diner. today. We have Desi Garcia coming out and hanging out with us. I've met her via Instagram but we've never really met in person so I'm really excited to get to know her because she does some incredible work. Let me tell you a little bit about Desi. Desi Garcia is a mom a wife, a survivor, an advocate counselor, crisis worker, trauma expert, podcaster and public speaker. She is the founder of candle in a dark room. She's a survivor of child physical and sexual abuse. And the candlelit a darkroom is an incredible organization. They offer many things they help survival survivors, excuse me a physical and sexual trauma as well as mental health that stems from trauma. They also have other traumas such as grief adoption and more Desi goes into court with victims around the country to face their perpetrators and help them prepare before support them during and after the law and for the whole long term. She is an incredible individual, she helps take and she helps survivors take the power back and take the proper steps and healing their trauma. I'm really excited to work with Desi today and get to know her more and have you get to know her as well. So let's bring her out right now is badass woman what's going on? Desi How are you today?

Hello I'm great. Thank you for having me.

I'm excited that you wanted to be had for reaching out and and connecting with me on Instagram and yeah, I'm so pumped that we're connected today.

Me too I'm so glad I love I love all your stuff that you will always post and all your psyche and your hilarious so I'm excited to be here.

Thank you fam I appreciate that I appreciate it. Does he this show is called diner talks with James and so we got to start it off proper I'm wondering late at night Do you have any late night guilty eating pleasures now I know you're based in Salt Lake so I don't think the diner game is strong out there but maybe we got I hops maybe we got Denny's maybe there's something else out there that you're doing that I'm Cafe Rio maybe that's open up but what's your what's your late night move?

Oh, wait so we don't have a ton of diners here we have a few but like nothing, nothing like some of those other states have around it. I wish we'd had more because I love diners. But I would probably the thing that people do when they like go out and we're drinking and things like that. We like to hit up what's called bait those which is like a rancher retos it's like a Mexican quick food Mexican place and they have like Carnia SATA nachos and things like that. So when I like going out with my friends and I'm ready to come home and crash I would love to get those nachos from there so that's probably my guilty guilty pleasure.

Desi I am ashamed to say this because it means I'm not hanging out with the right people but you are the first person who says they do nachos late at night and I think that's a great move that's

so funny. It's not often but I mean I don't go I don't do much very often at night but when I do that's my that's definitely go to you can't that like can go wrong with nachos, especially cardio sauna ones they're they're amazing. So sad

is so good. And Beethoven it's a spot in Seoul and you're in Salt Lake right?

Yes. Yep.

Great town, underrated town. A lot of people are confused by you time for some reasons, I understand but for the most part you got to get out there and meet the people.

And it's actually and it's changed so much the dynamic over here since you know just since last at least several years. It's a lot different than I did when I grew up it was very more sheltered and you know a lot of the LDS community and things like that when people think Utah salt lake they think you know the LDS the Mormons all that which they are here, but honestly I feel like nowadays there's more non Mormons and there are Mormons in Utah so it's definitely changed um, and I love you topper you know, many different reasons. I hate the snow so that's one thing I don't like. But I'm definitely in the wrong state for that because you know Utah's known for their snowboarding and skiing and all that but um, I love you top beliefs where I live, I feel like it's a safe, pretty safe, like place to be. I grew up, I grew up, excuse me, I lived in Albuquerque for a year when I was 17. Because I don't know, I just after I got out of rehab, I thought it'd be cool. So I am excited to move there by myself at 17. And, um, that was interesting. And that is a whole other life out there, let's just say in Albuquerque, so that made me appreciate salt lake so much more, because I didn't realize how sheltered I was that I hadn't seen, like, I believe, again, where I live, I don't see people like doing drugs and doing things like that. And like in Albuquerque, which is right there in front of you all the time. And so it's definitely weird. And we do have obviously, the stricter like laws with alcohol, which can sometimes be frustrating. But other times, it's kind of nice, because we don't have to, I feel like it's not as you don't have to worry about as much of like DUIs and like those type of, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. So it has its pros and cons, but for the most part, I do like you

I hear that I hear that. Yeah, I've never had a bad time. And so like one of my favorite restaurants in the country place called the copper onion. Oh, that's

a good Yep. That's their, their burgers are fire

strong, strong burgers out there, for sure. I'll do anything for a good burger desert, you can write that down. I will I love that. That's awesome. And nachos are the move. I have a friend and I want to make fun of him publicly. Now. That's okay with you. Whenever he makes no less than less, this is the way you eat them. In which case I'll stop making fun of people like this. But whenever he makes nachos, he sends me a picture because he lays them out chip by Chip and tops each one of them chip by Chip, as opposed to just doing the tower of NACHA

Oh no, I do the tower. Thank you probably benefits a little bit though because he probably has cheese and stuff on each chip where most the time like when you eat nachos with a big pile once the pile is gone, then you just have chips, right? So kind of I kind of see his point, but I feel like that would take a lot of time.

That's fine. That's podcast guests. Sam Davidson, by the way, friends, feel free to judge him online. And Desi are a better person than I am for taking the high road on that. So that's fine, too. So I love this desert Your name is Desi Garcia. And

Andre Are you telling me? No, I just I say it's actually Deseret. But I go by Desi.

Okay, perfect Deseret Garcia. And you were telling me a little bit about it before we got on the air. Tell me a little bit about the you know what is? What's your what's your origin story? Where's your family from where Tell me about your last name Garcia.

Um, okay, so my my maiden last name is actually Martel. And that was my you know, my my dad's name. And he is from San Salvador. And he was born and raised there for the first parts of his life. And then he moved to San Francisco when he was a like a young boy, I'm not sure exactly the age. And I grew up in San Francisco and then moved to Salt Lake. So I'm half a Salvadorian. And then also my mom is Spanish. So a lot of my family is Spanish and yeah, so that's, I'm just I just been Latina. That's the way best way to explain it. Because I have a little bit everything in me. I feel like so yeah.

Is that something that you have pride about? Like, do you have pride about being El Salvadorian? or Spanish? Is that Is that something that that you are excited about? Anything you do culturally around it?

I love you know, I love being like, I love my Spanish culture. I love the food. I love all of it. You know, El Salvadorian food there's this thing called Appaloosa. I don't know if you've ever had those. Those are so good. Those are from says outdoor and they are the best thing that's ever happened. And then also El Salvadorian tamales, which are different than Mexican tamales, they're actually wrapped in a banana leaf. And so they're like moist. They're not dry, like the Mexican ones. And so anyway, those are really good. And so the food is probably my favorite part. We just had Thanksgiving and we do what's called a Pons comparto which is it's basically a turkey sandwich or Salvadorian turkey sandwich and you put like a red sauce over it. And it's so good so pawns can pabo and that is the traditional thing that we have everything's giving I wish I had a picture of it but yeah, it's basically a big roll Turkey and then you put this like salad that's like marinated with like cucumbers and like I don't know all like beets and things like that in it. And then you put the red sauce on top that cooks with a turkey and eat it and it's it's amazing.

That sounds like it slaps I gotta I gotta be out that the turkey this man, I may get called out for this and that's fine. Y'all can come for me. But the turkey is my least favorite part of the Thanksgiving meal. Always dry.

Exactly. That's funny. I always that's why I always eat ham. So I have a traditional Thanksgiving with my mom's family and that I have which you know still have like chili their day and stuff like that, you know for the Spanish enough but For the most part, we just do the traditional, but my dad's side is the good. Like I said the sauce and stuff. And so I like that Turkey because it's noise. But other than that, yeah, Turkeys just dry. I'd rather have ham any day.

Yeah, I want one of the sandwiches. You're talking about anything. Amazing. That's awesome. That's beautiful. I love them. Yeah. And your APA pieces are so good. So that's awesome. So but you yourself grew up in Salt Lake, you're born and raised in Salt Lake area. Yes. Yeah. When you were younger, Desi. What? What did you want to be? Tell me Tell me about your young Desi.

Oh, who and young Desi that's a little bit harder for me just because you know, we'll go into my story a little bit later. I don't ever I kind of go back and forth. I didn't really think too much about being an adult when I was younger. And I know that sounds kind of weird. But when I did, and at first I wanted to be a teacher. And then that's kind of like the last thing I remember what I wanted to be when I was a kid. And I was very shy, very timid, which is so funny, because I'm so opposite from that now. I you know, I kind of just kept to myself, I didn't have a ton of friends. I had a couple, you know, I kind of was picked on because I was like, you know the little Spanish chubby girl in Utah with all the, you know, white blond, skinny girls here. And so I didn't fit in very much. I definitely was kind of an outsider. I had no couple best friends and my best friend who's still my best friend to this day since fourth grade. And if it wasn't for her beating up some of my bullies I'd I don't know. I don't know where I'd be. So yeah, I definitely am a lot different than than little Desi. But yeah, I think I just I loved. I'm kind of just, I love playing with Barbies. And I loved this kind of the basic kids stuff I just loved. I had I have three brothers, and a sister and I loved playing with my siblings and things like that. So yeah.

Shout out to this best friend of yours taking care of the bullies out here. Roger. Yeah, right. There

she is. She's my ride or die for sure. Like I said, we've been best friends since fourth grade. And I had a bully who would always slap me in the back of the head on the school bus. And I just would go home and cry everyday because I like didn't like her. And she was so mean to me. And she would like tell me that she think I just messed up. And she would like tell me that she was like a witch and like would not walk me sleep in my through my window. Just weird stuff. And I remember at school, she came up behind me and like push me. And all I remember is my best friend grabbed her. And I her head went into the double doors. And that's all I remember. So she never bothered me. After that. I had to defend myself once with her on the bus after my mom finally told me that if I don't hit her back, I was gonna get in trouble. And so I She hit me back ahead and I told her I was so I remember being so terrified. I was so shy. And I was like, if you hit me again, I'm gonna hit you back. And so she hit me again in the head. And then I guess I knocked her out or something on the bus and then yeah, and she never bothered me after that. There's took those two things and then that was the last thing. But yeah, man, they were rough back that back in the day. So luckily, my best friend had my back.

Oh, casual TKO on the bus to stop the bullying. I like it. This is this is why you gotta keep your eye on the quiet person. Right? There's always a fire underneath there. Come out one way or the other.

Yeah, but you push that button. I takes a lot for me to go there even to this day. I'm your best friend. But yeah, don't take it too far. Because I I'm a bear will come out and defend who I need to defend.

And in the meantime, you got your best friend who's going out to people on the front side of stuff.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And she's still my best friend. So I can just call it like, Hey, we got a problem. We got my back.

That's beautiful. That's awesome. Those uh, those childhood friendships are always so beautiful. But sometimes they don't We don't find friends that round the corners of life with us. Yeah, you know, even even even if it's just going to you know, going through puberty together and then going through a transition to you know, going to New Mexico for a year you know, things like that like not everybody rounds the corners with us. That's really cool that that she's been by your side what's her name?

So her name is Mindy and yeah, she she's been my site. I remember when I called her when I was in New Mexico and I met my husband and she was not at first she was like, Who's this like kid that you met in New Mexico she's always been very protective of me. And she was about ready to hop on a plane and come check it out before I before I went any further and like moved in with him or anything so she's always been very protective. Now her husband and my husband are like best friends and it's a great dynamic our daughters of the same age so yeah, you you definitely I you know, I've had a lot of friends great friends but my again my situation has always been kind of complicated and so it takes a good friend to kind of stick you stick through all that and she has had through my side through all of that. And so I'm super grateful for her. And she's my only like, you know, friend that stepped through everything with me. So I'm super grateful for so

that's beautiful. Yeah, shout out to Mindy. That's awesome. That's awesome. You know, you mentioned that you didn't think a lot about being what you would be as an adult? Or what adulthood would look like for you. That is, that's, that's a tough sentence to hear. And it's because you went through some tough stuff. If you'd be willing, I'd love to, to hear a little bit about what you know what, what kept you from dreaming? What kept you from, you know, whatever it was right? Wanting to be a veterinarian, or a marine biologist, like I wanted to be when I was younger, or, or a teacher, you know, or things like that. What, you know, what was it the kind of squash that didn't come out?

So? Well, you know, to kind of answer that question first. I didn't really think I'd make it honestly to be an adult. So I never drive I was more of am I gonna live till tomorrow, let alone am I gonna make it to be an adult, I never really thought you know, a lot of kids, a lot of girls especially grow up and they have their books, but they want to do and they get married. And they're, you know, want to have kids and this and that. And I don't really remember ever having those those thoughts until I was like older. And so I was actually basically born into trauma, and is the best way I can explain it. My mom and dad were married, they got married very young, my mom was was pregnant with me, they got married when she was who I don't want to mess it up. But I want to say she was still 17 If not, she had just turned 18 Because her birthday September 9, October 3, so either like barely. My dad was, I think two years older than her. So he was 19. Um, and, you know, my dad had went through a lot of abuse as a child, a physical, sexual abuse, a lot of things. And so my dad had a lot of issues and non anger issues. And so can I my mom's relationship, you know, is very toxic and abusive. And I saw a lot of things that I shouldn't have seen it, you know, three, four years old, two years old, you know, whatever. Um, you know, I have a little brother who's three years younger than me. And I remember sitting in the closet holding him when they were fighting one time and like trying to protect him and the things that you don't, you shouldn't go through as a kid, basically, you shouldn't be you know, you should be able to just play in your room, play with your Barbies, and not have to worry about those things. And unfortunately, that wasn't the case. But luckily, they kind of both realized it and got divorce when I was six. And that's when my mom met my old stepfather. And then my dad got remarried as well. My stepmother was not nice to me. So I didn't really like one of my dad's very often. And then my mom's new husband, he I don't remember, kind of from six to eight, I don't have like a very big memories. The only like, couple memories I have. One is where I guess I was watching Lion King or something. And he went outside and I locked him out. And I turned Lion King up really loud and locked him out of the apartment. And like he had to like bang on the door. He like waited until my mom got home from work or like left it blocked outside. I don't remember very much about I just remember bits and pieces of that. So I don't know, I don't know, if I had a radar. I don't know if I was just a six year old brown. I'm not sure exactly. But I do know that around eight years old, is the first memory I have. Again, from my childhood, I have very bits and pieces missing. Well, big chunks of my childhood missing from my memory. But at eight years old, it's from the first memory I have of when my stepfather was actually beating me. And it was a typical grooming station. And then from there, it turned into full child sexual abuse. And that went on until I was about 15 years old. And it became you know, it was every once in a while to every week to every day to I would get checked out during the school I would, you know, he would tell my teachers I had a dentist's appointment, and then I would go and then he'd bring me back to school. And I'd have to finish my day at school and weird things like that. That happened for years of my life. And because of what happened I you know, he was also very physically abusive. He would punch me so hard that I'm pretty sure I never got to confirm but I'm pretty sure I broke my ribs at one point because they still have scarring. Um, uh, you know, he would pull pillows over my face. So I would pass out and I would come back I would come come back, you know, I don't know how long later and punch and punch me in the sound like that. I would like lose consciousness and things like that. Um, so I don't remember I remember like he would hold knives to my throat you know, lots of different things like that. And so, that went on like I said, until I was about almost 15 Because what was happening to me, I a lot of self destructive behavior, you know, because of my dad and my relationship. i My biological dad, my real dad, he I kind of distanced myself from my dad because I think one my dad was a detective, ironically, a sex crime detective who was a he was a very known detective here in Utah because he did us the Susan Powell Okay, help with the Susan Powell case. A lot of big cases here in Utah. Um, but my dad didn't know what was happening to me and I, you know, definitely think I push my dad out of my life because I didn't want him to figure it out because I was scared. Because I, you know, my whole stepdad would threaten that he would kill my dad, he would kill my mom bury my brother's alive. Things like that very threatening, and he was the guy. I mean, for example, he had a tattoo that said, no fear, like he wasn't scared of anything, you know. And so, um, yeah, I didn't really have a relationship with my dad at the time. And so he used that person to his advantage, I think. And then, like, I don't know, he kind of would use that as an excuse for lots of different things. And so yeah, and because of that, all that was going on, I again, I was doing self destructive behavior, I had an eating disorder, I was really bad bulimia, and then I would go anorexic, I would go back and forth. And, again, kind of back to my bullying situation, I was being bullied at home, and I was able to eat at school pretty bad. And so I was constantly and I had gained, I tried to gain weight on purpose. And I would make myself look ugly, because I thought he would want he wouldn't want me more. So if I was, like, not cute, or if I had like he was little chubby, or whatever it was, because I thought, that's how he wouldn't want to hurt me if that was the case. But unfortunately, it just made me become more of a target school. And so I just didn't really have a safe place anywhere. And so I was I started cutting, I tried to attempt suicide a couple different times. And then when I right before I reported it, I had tried a suicide attempt. And my school reported it to my mom, and it was this whole big thing. And a couple weeks later I had we just moved into a house that we had just bought. And I had talked my mom into letting you get a lock on my door because I was a teenager and felt like I needed to have that space. And that was kind of my excuse to do it. And one thing I will say is people always ask how did your mom not know? Well, he was very abusive to her. But he was also very manipulative, John was a very, very good liar. And he made me a very good liar, to where I was able to go. Key would take me hurt me and I go back to school and laugh and have I had a good day at school because I was able to completely shut that part of me off, I think I would completely dissociate disassociate from my body.

And so I never gave signs of what was happening. I definitely think there were signs now that my mom looks back. She's like, Oh my gosh, like, why didn't they question that. And that's why I'm a huge advocate to parents to talk to your kids on a regular basis about things and check with them and ask questions. And if someone were to ask me, then I probably would have told me I don't know for sure. But I but I was never asked those questions. Um, and so yeah, so then that night, and I got a lock on my door, I had hit a key at Monday's house, I remember, I hit a key and then I hit a key somewhere else. They took it to school. And I heard someone I heard he was on the other side of my door trying to pick the lock. And that night, I remember just freezing. And I don't remember much of it. I think again, I kind of disassociated. I don't remember too much, except for I always say like a higher power took over me which I feel like it was you know, for me, I feel like it was gone. It was just like, we we do this now or you're not gonna make it like we got to do this now. And so I got up the next day, and I didn't sleep a wink that night. I had, I've always had really bad insomnia, so I wouldn't sleep anyway. And so, um, I ran to school fast they could and I went until the teacher, this teacher was already like a really good ally. For me, she had called like the suicide hotline with me, she had seen my rope marks from when I had tried to commit suicide she had, she had seen lots of different things. And so she was kind of a space that I knew would help me if I needed it. So I went round to school as fast as I could and told one of my best one of my close friends at school and had her Go with me to tell my teacher, my teacher went and reported it to the school counselor right away. And the school counselor told her that I was lying and probably just being a drama queen. Because, yeah, and this is a school counselor. So I remember being I remember my teacher luckily, like fought for me and told her that's not our job to figure that out. If this is lie or not, our job is to report it. And that's all that we can do. And so she did, and they reported it. And then I remember the detective coming. And I was waiting in the office and she came up and she goes, Look, your teacher told me that this is what's happening to you. But your school counselor doesn't think it's true. I need you to know like this is a huge accusation. And I need to know if it's true, because if it's not then I'll lead right now and you won't get in trouble. But if it is happening, then I'll help you. And I guess I don't know if I started crying. I don't remember if I like her or something in my face. I just remember telling your I promise that this is happening and if you send me home, he'll kill me. And I remember she grabbed my hand and she just started to her eyes teared up and she was like, Okay, I believe you. And that was the beginning. For me, you know, kind of being free and he wasn't arrested right away. He, they didn't have proof because I nothing had happened in a few days. So I didn't have any like evidence and have any proof of anything. And so, um, I had to take a lie detector test, I ended up passing lie detector test, he took a lie detector test and he did not pass like he did not fail. His was like inconclusive, which blows my mind. But now knowing what I know about psychiatry, psychology, and you know how our brain works. I think that he believed his own life, he believed that he wasn't hurting me. He believed that he loved me, he believed those things. And so in his head, he didn't hurt me. And so it's really messed up. And it's a full narcissist behavior. But um, yeah, so I ended up being, we went to court, I tried testifying, I had a complete meltdown in the courtroom. And my mom and dad read a letter to him. And that, you know, my, my biological dad came back into my life when everything came out. And he wrote, he read a letter in court, and I remember he, like, yelled at him, and that, like, triggered me. And then I just kind of remember losing it in the courtroom room from there. So I never testified against him, which kind of sucked because I wasn't able to take that power back, which I now realize is so important. Excuse me. Um, so anyway, he ended up being sentenced to three to life. And he ended up being in there for total 10 years, but only five for what he did to me because other five was basically he got attempted murder of his cellmate because he like, broke his jaw on like, how to get his I don't know, there was some type of major thing in jail that he bought. So he got like, multiple charges on that. So he's very violent person, obviously. And so anyway, he ended up spending 10 years there, well, during the 10 years there, and while he was there, I you know, after I reported the abuse, and I kind of went into Downward Spiral, honestly, and I became more self destructive, I pushed my mom away, I was so angry with my parents, so angry with my mom, I would fight with that, um, it was just really bad. It was just really,

really hard. Like, I was just basically losing it. And my parents really didn't know what to do. So they ended up putting me in a residential treatment program here in Utah, part of one of the major hos children's hospitals here in Utah. And I actually lived there for two years, I was in residential treatment program for 10 years, or excuse me, for two years, not 10 years. For two years. From age I was there from 15 to 17, like right before I felt like summer before I turned 18. So yeah, it was two years of being there. And during those two years, I was diagnosed with, they thought I had borderline personality disorder, PTSD, major anxiety, this and that, well, I didn't have borderline personality disorder. But what I did end up getting diagnosed with was disassociation identity disorder, which a lot of people, so it's less than 2% of the entire world have it. So it's a very, not like not common disease, or see the diagnosis. And but basically, people when they look up Di D, they think multiple personalities. So that's a lot of times what happens people get multiple personalities to to help them disassociate themselves from what's actually happening to them. That was not the case. For me. I never had multiple personalities I never have. But what would happen is I would go back into being the age I was during that incident that I was reenacting. So for example, I'd be sitting here, and like, I always say, if you ever saw that, so Raven, she this girl is that old TV show at Disney Channel, she would see visions, and she would like go off into a daze. And then she starts seeing vision. That's kind of how my therapist would describe it. So I would be sitting there and I would basically just go off into a daze. And I come back and I would talk like I was eight years old, eight years old, I thought I was eight years old, I act like I was eight years old, I would sit in the corner. And after my mom, I was, you know, a child again. And my body actually thought that this abuse was happening. So I would reenact the abuse, like I would throw myself on the floor, my face would turn purple in some cases, because I thought he was holding a pillow over my head, I wouldn't be able to move my arm because he was holding me down, I'd come out of it and have red marks on my arm. Because my brain physically thought something happened to me. And so my body would react if something did I would stop reading because I thought my like my you know, someone would punch me in the stomach. Weird things that like is not normal, but I would completely reenact situations of abuse. And so they ended up having to bring in specialists and all kinds of different people to figure out what was wrong with me and diagnose me. Luckily, you know, I've gotten that out of control. I haven't had an episode in years with that. But that was a big part of my teenage years is me. Having those episodes I would lose hours of my day I'd be sitting here talking to my therapist or talking to someone in rehab and all sudden I'd come out of it and I'd have 50 people around me and three hours of my day would be gone or It just it was really weird. Um, so yeah, that I never remembered what happened either. Like, everything I have I explained to you from it is from what I've heard from therapists and doctors, I've never actually remember or seen an episode that I had. And so yeah, it's very rare. Like I said, I ended up getting out, and I was 17. And that's when I basically was like, I'm going to move to New Mexico, I'm gonna go, you know, and live with my family that's out there. And I'm gonna go out there, and I'm just gonna figure it out. So I moved out to New Mexico, I ended up meeting my husband there. And for the next bout 10 years, I kind of just went through the motions of life of I started because that's when I started becoming a counselor. I first was a psych tech, and then I kind of just went up the ladder and that and became a counselor. And so for most of my career, people, I was very good at my job. And but people didn't know why people didn't know why I was going to my job. Why, like, why I was interested in what I did. And you know why I was interested in working in Psych, Psych hospitals and rehabilitation centers and all those things. People just thought I was probably like, why don't you like that stuff? It's crazy. But I, you know, eventually, once I started coming out with my story, then people started making sense. putting the pieces together. But again, I was very good at living two lives, I had done it my entire life, I had my life at home, and I had my life that's like outside in public. So I kind of created that narrative of my life forever. I had my life with my husband and I went home. But then I also had my life at work. But then I also had a life of my mental health and all that stuff I was actually internally dealing with, but I never talked about it I didn't talk about with my husband, I didn't talk about it. I never went to therapy again, I quit all my medication I had left when I left rehab, I left with a freezer bag full of medications, I quit all of them, I just basically just stopped and pretended like that part of my life didn't exist.

Which, you know, a lot of people say sometimes fake it till you make it. But let me just tell you, it comes back and bite you in the ass at some point if you don't work through it. And that's kind of what happened to me. So during the my husband and I when we were together. First together I had ended up having because of the body, the internal body damage I have. I have like scar tissue, lots of different things. I actually had five miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that I lost. And so I had a really I was told I wasn't able to have kids, so many different things. I was thank goodness, I you know, it was a blessing. I ended up having two kids. And I have a nine year old son and my daughter's got turned seven. And there's only two I can have I ended up having my tubes tied. They almost died after had my daughter. But they're definitely a blessing I wasn't supposed to have. And so I'm super grateful for that. Um, but during those years, I just again went through motions of life, I was a good mom, I went to work, I came home, I cook dinner, it just was very I just went through life just not living but surviving. Right. And so in 2015, I got a call that my stepfather was up for parole. And I went to the parole hearing, I wrote, I wrote my victim statement, and I actually read it to the court. It was the first time I had I was actually able to read it. And I felt like it was when I actually felt my power back because I was actually telling him what he had done to me and the effects that he had on my life. And I because I wasn't able to do that for the first court hearing. So he ended up being released, you know, they didn't really listen to me, but it's okay. That's kind of what happens, unfortunately, the justice system. He ended up being released. And from the, from the beginning, when he was first put in jail. I remember telling my therapist when I was rehab, I just know it's not over. I just know it's not over. He's gonna come after me. Something in me, and I don't know how to explain it. But something always in my soul knew it wasn't the end. And so fast forward to 2019. Before that, let me go let me go back and say before that, I would think that I would see him I would like be at Costco and I would be like, Oh my gosh, I swear I just saw him and I just saw John like what the heck, or I would be driving and I would think I saw him and so many different things that I was like, I swear I saw him. I told my dad who again was a retired police detective and he would be like, why would he come after you again? Like he's out living his life. Like, don't worry, you know, it's not him. He's not coming after you anymore. Whatever. Well, he's actually the father of my little brother. So I was like, what if he's looking for my brother, this and that? Well, anyway, long story short, his people basically just said it was my PTSD. And I was imagining everything and that it wasn't the case. So again, fast forward 2019 I had just started my podcast in that March. And that's when my husband my husband came up, came home one day and was like, I know what you can do you need to do a podcast. I just listened to the Elon Musk podcast, you need to do one, and I had never listened to a podcast. before and I was like, What the heck's the podcast? Like I had always been told, you know, anytime I started telling my story, and I would tell it, I would leave doors open up, oh my gosh, you need to tell yours you need to write a book, you need to do a movie like this has to be some type of story that you need to get out there. But I never knew what the what the like nothing felt, right. So when my husband said that I was like, Okay, let's kind of see how that goes. So I got like my old, like, HP laptop, a little old microphone. And I had, I think it was like actually the earpiece of like, this, the string that has a little mic on it. Not good for not good product at all, not, not good quality, but whatever. And I just went in my closet, and I recorded my first episode. And my story is season one, but it's episode 124 and eight, because my story's long. So those are the, those episodes for my story that's on my podcast, if you go back and listen to it, um, I recorded the first episode and released it in March of 2019. And my first episode went pretty viral, I had 1000s of views. Within the first 24 hours, it was insane. And I remember being so confused and like looking at it and be like, What in the hell just happened? Like, I thought it was just gonna be like the people I went to school with, and like my family, and like, you know, it was I did not think it was going to be like, go out there. I had no idea. I also had no idea what I was doing. I just uploaded on anchor and kind of just to see what would happen, you know, and it went viral. And I was like, What in the hell just happened. And so that's when I kind of came to the conclusion of like, okay, I need to tell the rest of my story. And then I'm going to start giving the mic to other people, because they other survivors need. I realized that like survivors needed this outlet. Like when that episode went viral. Within the first two days, I had hundreds of messages from people saying, You just gave me the strength to tell my parents what's happened. What happened to me when I was a kid, you just hope that gave me the strength to talk about my story for the first time in 15 years.

Things like that, that I was like, in tears, like mind blown, because I was like, Holy crap. This is so needed. Why don't we have anything like this? And you know, now there's more podcasts and stuff. But when I started a couple years ago, podcasts just kind of became a thing. But it wasn't popular yet. And so it just, it kind of blew up. I had celebrities contacting me. I had people like, they were like, hey, I want to be on your podcast and tell my story and this crazy thing. And so I realized, like, this is my purpose. And I always since I was younger, and I know this might sound weird. But I when you say what I envisioned when I finally got to that point where I realized I was in live, I remember thinking, I have like a purpose. Like when I was being abused. I remember this one specific time praying and thinking, why am I going through this? Like, why are you letting this happened to me? And so like, what did I do? Like, what do I need to do with the story and being kind of confused about it. Um, and then I, after everything came out, I realized and I had a vision, and I don't know if it's a vision or dream, I really don't know what it was. But I had some type of dream that I was on stage. And there were 1000s, like, hundreds and 1000s of people. And they were all holding a book with my face on it. And I remember being like, I'm supposed to do something big with my story. And like, just knowing what my purpose was. And so when my podcast came out, I was like, This is my purpose. Like, this is what I want to do, give people their, their, their voice back, and you know, all that. Um, but then as my story went on, I realized and I'll kind of get to what happened in 2019. So in July 2019, I get a phone call from FBI. And they say, Hey, I you know, I don't know if you know that John was rearrested. And I was like, Yeah, I was informed, he was rearrested. And they like, well, um, he was re arrested for child pornography. wasn't necessarily surprised just because he was always in a pornography. And I have always said pornography was a huge part of my abuse, because I feel like it's what kind of got in his head to make him think that what he was doing was okay. And so and I, so when the when he told me child pornography, I was like, in my head thinking, I'm not surprised. But he's crossed the he's crossed the line. He's officially a sicko, right. And like, kind of just like, that didn't make sense to me. But And here, I was working at a huge hospital here in Utah as a crisis worker, where I would go basically, on scene after someone was rated or someone who's trying to commit suicide, I was my job to talk them off the ledge, like I was in some pretty traumatic cases. And so here I am putting out my podcast, and saving people right and trying to do all this. And then this detective calls and says, Well, I don't know how to tell you this. But John had over 200 pictures on his laptop, his phone and he's hiding his apartment that had show but that was pictures of child pornography, with your face cut out and put on every single picture.

Oh, so he digitally and physically had pictures of me from now on Pictures me on scene of crisis interventions with police on so he was stalking me like while I was a police on scene like in the parking lot walking to my car in the parking garage. And there's a picture of me on my front doorstep pictures of me at the park with my kids pictures me at Costco. Dude was following me for a few years and I knew it and I felt it. But I always was told it was my PTSD and not to, you know, don't believe it or whatever. But in my stomach, I I always tell survivors, if you feel like something's wrong in your gut, you need to look into it. And you know, sometimes it is just our PTSD. But most of the time if something's telling you something's wrong, it's because something's wrong. And so he had pictures of me. I was a screensaver on his cell phone. When the police arrested him. They asked him why it was a screensaver on his laptop and cell phone. And he said, because I was his girlfriend. And so the detective put two and two together and realize that he was so obsessed with me that this couldn't have just been a girlfriend. So he looked up what his original case was that he was arrested for and found out, looked me up on Facebook, realized that was me in the picture and then contacted me. It was very, like crazy FBI detective work that they figured out with me. Um, but yeah, he had a full obsession and he he had a basically the best way to explain it. It's like a shrine of me and his apartment. And but the detective told me the day he called us it, you know, honestly, all I can say is we're glad that we found and when we did because his stalking was escalating. And what we found in his apartment and in his car, I think he had intentions other intention. So I believe that he was planning to duck me and I don't know what torture me I have no idea. He had some type of obsession with me in jail. He still does. He tells people and talks about me. He in court, he told the people that he was excited that I was there supporting him when really I was testifying against him. And just just psychotic, like literally obsession. And here this was my stepfather. This is the fault you know, the father and my little brother my mom's ex husband like just this you know, it's It's sickening when I say it out loud when I think about it and say it out loud. Because it's so messed up. Right, right. Yeah. So again, in when this all came out, I was like, hit in the face because I did not expect that. Like, yes, I suspected something. But I never suspect suspected this that like this is like Lifetime movie network shit, right? Like these are like radar like crazy movies that like don't this is actually happen in real life. Soccer shit. Yeah, it's happening in my life. And so I was so frustrated cuz I was like, here I am going to court with victim to face their perpetrators. At this point, I had started doing podcast episodes, giving people a voice. But yeah, I'm being victimized all over again. No, I'm not being raped and physically abused anymore. But I'm still being victimized and a whole other messed up way. And so it was a real mind game of me trying to be like, What do I do now? Like, I can't keep going, I'm a fraud. Like, I can't keep telling people to survive, because obviously, I'm a victim again, like I was. So that story in my head was really messing with me. Um, but I remember a couple like after, you know, being depressed and in bed for about a week, I finally got myself up. And I was like, eff this, like, I am not going to let him take any more in my life. And that's when I kind of released my other episode and started talking about I ended up being on the news, by ABC did a whole thing on me, they actually released my story without telling me. And we're planning to bombard me in court. We're planning to take we're planning to show up to court and surprise me in court, which is insane to me. I called them and they did a whole story. And they messed up the story and said, A man who raped a girl in 2004, binds her and totally messed up the story. So I was like, okay, he didn't, it wasn't just a one time event. And I called and I said, if you're going to tell the story, you're going to tell it right? So I'm going to, so I'm going to do an interview. So I went on there, did an interview, explain the whole situation. And again, that went viral, because people are mind boggled by that this actually happened, that the court system failed me because when I thought that I had seen him at Costco and those other places, I called his parole officer several times and left voicemails and never received a call back. I even called the Board of Pardons and still never received a call back. So really, if they would have called me back, you know, sooner, this could have stopped a lot sooner than it did. So when I went to court in July last year, I wrote a letter to my old stepdad and the court and I said, you know, this is you guys failed me. And this is why survivors don't come out and tell their story because you say you're going to protect us, but you don't. And so that's why I'm a huge advocate for survivors in court now, because I feel like they don't do what they say they're supposed to do. If you know his parole officer would have been checking up on him and looking at his computer and doing the things that he was supposed to be doing, he would have caught this before it happened. And so or at least at the beginning of it, right. And so just the whole situation was a really kind of crazy situation. But like I said, I just decided, You know what he and I, on my news interview, I've said, he took my childhood, he took my past, but he will not take my future. And that kind of took a huge bull up of people being like, yes, he took, you know, that's awesome. Like she that she said that and this and that. But I really believed it because I was like, in my head, you know, in that moment, it just came out. But in my head, I was like, it's true. Like our abusers, the people who hurt us take parts of our lives. Take though sometimes years, sometimes moments of our lives, but doesn't mean that has to be our entire life. And that's what made me kind of want to start candle in a dark room as a foundation, and not just a podcast. And so last year after court, I applied for it to be a nonprofit. And I said, I bought a team together, and I just said, we're going to be more than just a podcast, we're gonna, we're gonna actually show people that in the darkest of darkness, in the darkest things that you can think of, because I've heard it all doing what I do now. You can still find light, you can still find light within yourself. Or you can find light within within someone else who can help guide you out into the dark out of the darkness. Whatever it is, no matter how dark things may be, no matter the horrible things that have happened to you, you can still live a happy, joyful and light and you know, a lie a life that is full of light.

And, yeah, horrible things have happened to me. And it's things that I can't even explain because they're too you know, intense and things like that. But I try not to focus so much on that anymore. Instead, I use my story is, this is you know, people ask me all the time, how do you do what you do? I hear I now do with my foundation, one on one sessions with people where I do a mix between counseling and coaching. And I hear stories of try I try I work with trafficking survivors I work with, you know, a child abuse or other people, you know, one time rape survivors, whatever the situation is, and I've heard all this horrible things that you could think of. But yes, it's hard. I'm not gonna lie and say this was easy. I definitely have to keep my mindset right and do the work for myself to keep myself in a good headspace. But if anything, it fires me up. This isn't that this was my purpose. My purpose wasn't a podcast, I think it's part of the story. But I think my purpose is to show people that you can still find light and live a happy life after things happen to you. It takes work it takes it's not gonna be easy. It's a lifelong commitment, but you can do it yes, I have to get up every day and do that sometimes do look you know if I feel triggered do the tools I've learned and the things I know to help get me through the day. But more times than none I'm happy I am happy with my life I'm happy with my kids I'm not in fear anymore. And that's that's freedom and now I get to decide what to do with my story. Yes, he took a part of my story but he doesn't get it right get it right the rest of it I do. So that's what my purpose candle darkroom is and now we do we our next women's retreat is in March we do Healing Retreats, we do group support groups I do like I said one on one clients I work with one on one clients. Um, we do try to think like I just so many other things that just offer other like resources like I said, different types of support groups and things so people know that they're not alone. Some of its virtual some of its in person. And but yeah, we we do a lot of different things. I'm a public speaker, I go and speak to colleges and high schools and you know, try to tell people like you're not alone you can ask for the right help and that you can be rescued from a situation like this so

so Desi.

Desi, there's so much there. First of all, that is to quiet as I've ever been on this podcast. Shout out to you. Yeah, but at the same time, it's not a story that can be interrupted. Nor should it be. And also, sometimes, you know what, when we've experienced trauma when we've gone through hard things, we just need to tell the whole story. Yeah, and then then we can go back through and kind of pick apart some things or whatnot. But in order in order for you to get through it, this is this is how

I get my podcast is four episodes on my podcast. So this is really making it into something short and it's still not sure

scratching, scratching the surface of something of a life of trauma. Right. And it's interesting, because, you know, we started the the, we brought up your story on the on the question of what, what kept you from dreaming about more as a child? And abuse is so misunderstood by people who haven't dealt with it. Absolutely. And hearing your story the way that you told it. You know, I mean, it's kind of hard to fathom a little girl, a little boy, a little human, not dreaming about something. Right. But like, because of what you went through, what was there to dream about. And it's profound hearing about the chunks, the spiciness of your memory, for all of the different reasons that the various points of your life where it is so choppy, and cut up and screwed. And it's a it's really, it's really powerful to hear you tell your story, I want to thank you, for trusting me for trusting the people who hear this with your story. Right? It is, it is not a story that, that we need to trust, we don't have to trust our story with everybody. And you know that, because for seven years, you didn't trust anybody with yours. Yeah. Right. And, and even then, right, it's still it's still it still took time to come out. And so it is, it's incredible. What you have done, from what you went through to the work that you are doing now. And I want to talk about candle and a dark room and just a second. Because because the work that you're doing right now is really is really profound. When it comes to that, before we do that, I'm curious to hear, you know, a lot of us a lot of people have met somebody who has gone through abuse. Maybe we are and unbeknownst to us, we may be meeting somebody who was going through abuse what, what thoughts, advice or tactics or whatnot? Would you ask others to look out for, you know, in some of those situations, and also I'll ask a two part question, what do you know that? And then also, what's the best way for someone who isn't trained about it? Who isn't going and advocating for people in courtrooms? Who is just, you know, the Mindy's of the world, you know, I'm saying are just just trying to be your ride or die and the person that loves you, but doesn't necessarily mean how do you show up for somebody? Sometimes it's going through so much. So I'd be curious on that.

Yeah, so the first one you said is what to look for. And it's hard because there isn't always major signs but there's a few like for example, if it's a child and their behavior of acting out is one maybe their grades in school not sleeping, having nightmares, peeing the bed anxiety whenever you're you're not home or you come home from work for some from somewhere, you know, Secrets of like, feeling like your kids have secrets, but like, Can't tell you like they don't feel comfortable. You know, I'm very open with my kids about what I do and about why I do it. They don't know the details, all I know is that I was hurt as a child, but they know enough of like their boundaries and why it's important to have boundaries for themselves. So I always say that you know, communication, communication, letting your kids know that you're a safe, you're safe place that they can trust you. If it's happening from your parents. Then you find a grandparent you find a teacher a school you find someone you find that person that you know that's going to help you in some way or another if you don't have anybody that you reach out to people like me reach out to resources like rain, my you know, my foundation, there's so many other you know, foundations and, and resources for people to be able to call but that's my biggest thing is, you know, I think for parents to look for is look for signs of just your you can you know, when something's wrong with your child, my son something happened at school as soon as I pick them up what happened was you get in trouble for right like, you know like you know their face if something's wrong Yeah. And my mom looks back now and she's like now that I realized like yeah, there's it's like I didn't sleep in my room by myself until I was 1415 years old, that 14 years old, I slept in my little brother's room who's three years younger than me. And I would sleep by the wall on our bunk bed on the same one, he would, he would only sleep on the bottom, and I would sleep by the wall. And I would only let him sleep on the side of me because I didn't want John have access to me on the other side. So I would sleep by the wall, I've still never prevented anything, but in my head that felt safer to me. So weird things like that, like my, but like, look for if your kids are, you know, start changing their behavior, and those type of things, and random bruises and marks and just, you know, again, they don't often they don't want to change in front of you, like your kid like all sudden is being really protective of their private parts and things like that, it's definitely some major signs to look for. And then to be there for people, biggest thing is to believe them. And I know that sounds so cliche, but it's so big and validating what they're telling you. Even if something seems off to you, that's not your job to figure it out. That's not your job to call them a liar. That's not your job to investigate and to talk to the person that they're blaming. Your job is to protect is to protect them, even if it's just your friend, it's still your job to help that person by helping and figuring out who to who to report to, who do we go to? How can I be what do you what is it that you need? Where How can I support you? And that's the biggest thing is just asking, like, what is it that you need? If it's a if it's if you're the person that adult and they come and tell their friend, as their friend? Like, you know what, I'm so sorry, that happened to you? What do you want to do? Do you want me to go with you to report this? What is it that you need from me, and something as simple as that can literally save their life. Because, you know, I had many times, like I said, when I tried to commit suicide, because I didn't feel like anybody cared. And I felt like anyone actually cared about what happened to me. And so I thought that me being out of this world was was not you know, would be better for everyone. And that's not the case. And you know, everybody has a purpose in this world. And all they need to be all they need to hear is that they're validated, and that they're worthy, and that they're worth helping. And if you are a stranger to them, and you could tell something wrong, be that light, be that light that guides them out of the darkness. And you know, I have a shirt right now that we're selling a sweatshirt and it says be light because you being a light for someone and just letting them know they're not alone, sending them a text message once a day. Hey, how are you doing? Just checking in to see if you're okay, let me know if you need anything. could literally save them from committing suicide can literally save them from taking that bottle of pills. And you have no idea like how many times I've heard that.

Yeah. Yeah, that reminds me, and I hope I'm bringing this up, you you, you hear why I'm bringing it up, not at all to center myself in the conversation. But a friend of mine, I she was going through a tough time and and I put a lunch date on our calendar, and not knowing that that would, you know be what it was. But like, if she kind of told me at that lunch date, she's like, You gave me something to look forward to. Right? Because I was thinking about hurting myself and I was unintentional act of a moment. They're just you're just trying to be a friend. And so I don't deserve anything but it but it just goes to show exactly what you're talking about. You're right, the believing the believing in you sounds or believe them sounds so easy. Yet for some reason, it is hard. Because oftentimes it's not. It's not it's people we know, right? Do you see this with

time? Yeah. 96% is people that they know. You probably know the person too,

right? And so everybody's like, no, that's so and so a good guy that's not going there are right, right. And so like, I mean, I can think about times like that, where I haven't been the best advocate when someone told me what was going on. I was like, Nah, they would do that to you. Right? And like, I would love to go back and take some of those moments back of just like, how would the conversation have shifted? I was like, alright, that's messed up, keep talking. Right? And like, just in that moment, and so

you don't have to be a hero and go in. You go report to the police and do the whole bagel thing. Like sometimes I get it. It's not everyone wants to be that hero and I get that but just to you listen and say I'm so sorry that that happened to you and that you've gone through that could be a life changer.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, this is this is not the moment for us to pull out our natural fixer tendencies, right, the moment for us to hit empathy first and fixing Come along. But this is and this is, this is the thing is that, you know, this is what used to describe it in your situation and, and why people close to us are able to do this is the master manipulators. And, and it's one of the worst things that we could do to make somebody else feel like they're the crazy one. Right? Yeah. Well, we see this all the time men men are doing it to women left and right, right. And men are constantly told or to harass. They tell women that they're crazy. Or that they're that they're dramatic, that they're this you know what, it's an issue. It's sexist. Now and, and so is one of the worst things to tell somebody is that your the way you're thinking is crazy. You're You're You're dumb.

The thing is, is like, I get like my therapist, or my old counselor, school counselor, you know, she's being a drama queen. Like, yeah, I probably was a drama queen in high end, junior high, I was very, you know, I was acting out. I was doing self destructive behavior. I was doing things, but because I was calling for help. And that's what I think that the counselors and people need to understand is, yeah, maybe I was being a drama queen, I was doing those things, seeking to do doing negative attention seeking. But because I needed attention, I needed a call for help. I needed someone to pay attention to me. So if someone's doing that, it's because they need it. They need it for some reason or another. And that's what I wish people to understand is doesn't mean Yes, I was doing those things. But there's a reason behind it. There's a reason why it was being dramatic. There's a reason why I was doing those. So that's I think what people need to understand too, is like, understanding the the root of why people do the things they do, why are kids acting out and they come to school? And Why are kids punching other kids at school? Well, maybe because they're seeing it at home. Right? Like there's so there's always an underlying reason, and that's what people need to be aware of.

Yeah, yeah. That's the beauty of candle in a dark room. And that's, that's, that's what I want to end on. Is is having you tell us a little bit more about candle and dark room? What, who should be reaching out to you? Is it is it individuals that potentially have someone that they're worried about? And they want, they're looking for a resource of someone to talk to? Or is it just the person who is receiving the abuse or going through the trauma, right? It's not just a handle and darker? It's not just a trauma based entity, not not just a sexual violence abuse situation?

Right? No, we we, so we actually what my goal is by the end of 2022, so we actually help not only the survivor, but we help the, like the survivors, families. So helping, for example, like my mom and my brother's like, we will now offer resources for family members like that. Because the secondary trauma is is important. It's just as traumatic. And my brother lost his dad, because he would have did to me, my mom lost her husband and found out horrible things that her husband that she loved and was doing something towards her daughter. Like, they you know, my brother, my other brother was being physically abused by him. There's, it's always there's always some secondary trauma. So we offer resources and support groups and things like that, to those people as well, including the victim. So our goal for 2022 is to have a eventually I want to have a one stop shop, basically, what I like to call it where it's a place that anybody can come in for reporting for support. Um, hey, this just happened to me, what do I do? Okay, let me walk you through, let's go report this together, we'll you know, we'll send an advocate with you to go report it to the police station, whatever, hey, my daughter just came came up to me yesterday and told me that my boyfriend did this to her, what do I do? Or we just found out my husband did this and he's already in jail. But now she you know, we're all don't know what to do from here. Okay, well, we offer support groups, and you don't I mean, I want to have a one place where we have all of these resources for anybody to come in and ask for help. And so right now I'm we we have a few different things that we offer. So again, we offer the podcast, and that can be for not only survivors, but it can be for, again, a spouse of a victim, a parent of a victim, who, you know, it's awesome to hear from other point of views, and survivor support groups, community and other survivors, like supporting one another. So we have like support groups and other things like that. We do meet ups, one on one coaching programs, group coaching courses, we do workshops, again, I speak like at events and throw, you know, I'll have speaking panels and stuff for survivors to come to and get information and Healing Retreats. We do challenges, you know, for families and their kids and for anybody in the public to participate in. And but yeah, I want to have this one stop shop basically where we have a crisis intervention team, to where let's say the also the police call me like hey, we just have a 17 year old girl who was Rate and has no family. Okay, I'm sending an out, I'm sending one of my advocates right now. And we show up at the hospital and just hold their hand through the rape crisis, the rape kit, and hold there, let them know that there's no we're going to help them after they're done leaving the hospital will help give them resources then. So yeah, so we offer a lot of this stuff right now. But eventually, I want to have an actual location that people can call and come to instead of, you know, kind of all over just the internet right now. But yeah, we offer lots of different things for just know, like, there. It's not just about the victim. It's not just about the survivor, it's about it's a whole family dynamic that gets you know, especially if it's someone in the family that was the abuser. So, um, and then it's not, you know, for people who don't have any support and don't have family at all, we're there for you to to know that you're not alone. We have a community, you know, our last women's retreat, we had 30 Something women come. And now they're lifelong friends of all around the country of women who can support send a message in our group message and be like, Hey, guys, I was triggered today, I'm really struggling, and have a group of women be like, Hey, girl, you've got this, like, what's tough? Let's do a zoom. You don't mean it's just you have a community of people, men and women to support you. So you know, you're not alone in those times.

Incredible, incredible. Does he Thank you. Thank you for the light that you are to so many. And thank you for finding your superpower out of complete shit show.

Yeah, I always say turn your mess into a message. You know, it's important. You can you can do that. So thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, no,

for sure. And yeah, and whatever that message is, right. I mean, just because you've been through trauma doesn't mean you need to grab a microphone and get on stage in front of everybody. But even just one other person, right? One of them. Yeah, just Yeah, exactly.

It's about one other person that you could help. You could say one life and that's always been

what's what's that? That cliche when a candle, lights another candle doesn't lose any of its flame, right? Or any of its brightness. And so yeah, there's, there's a way to do it just one person at a time as well. Your story has so much power, and we should all share our stories when we're ready and feel safe, too. And so thank you for feeling safe and sharing yours with us today. Desi, it means a lot.

Thank you, thank you for giving me a space to share it. And I hope that your listeners can benefit from it as well. You know, I think, unfortunately, abuse and things like trauma aren't linear, and anybody can be affected. And so that's what I'm, I'm glad that you are welcoming conversations like this. So thank you so much.

Yeah, it's so powerful. And stay in touch with me. You know, I know you said to do what you do been doing more speaking and stuff like that. Yeah. I speak, you know, at college campuses a year. And so if that's something that you provide your voice to more individuals, please, I

love that. I'm definitely trying to get out there more in that college community. So that would be awesome. I'll be in touch.

Let's talk homie, what a great start. To what I hope is a really cool working relationship. Desi Garcia, thank you so much for coming into the diner today, my friend.

Thank you. It's so great. Thanks so much. Oh, yeah,